Amudim Event 9-11-2016 Part 3 Rabbi Dr. Zev Brown

I don't know about anybody else, but my heart was absolutely pounding through most of Dr. Pearlman's when he was relating the experiences of so many people. There are multiple organizations amas that are involved in tonight's incredibly important awareness and educational asifa could give all of them the to continue in the topic of sexual abuse is one that is extraordinarily sensitive requires high levels of tenius and delicacy and yet at the same time is so incredibly important that it becomes an ace lassis. that makes it necessary to address many of these issues in a public forum. There is really an incredibly difficult balance between being aware of a particular problem and making sure that we are properly prepared to deal with it responsibly aso as opposed to becoming panicked or frightened by it. There's an equally difficult balance between recognizing that a particular problem exists and that its ramifications are potentially catastrophic and lifealtering and yet recognizing that the vast majority of us will not encounter it and for the most part our children are not at significant risk. The goal for tonight is simple education. As parents, the more we understand the problem, the more comprehensive a strategy we can formulate to try our best to ensure that we protect ourselves from that particular problem. If we understand how children are abused, what type of circumstances abuse is more likely to occur, where abuse is most likely to occur, and who are the most common abusers. We can then take significant steps towards preventing our children from becoming victims of this terrible crime. The sensationalism of certain high-profile cases, particularly when the blogs or the media get involved, tends to skew the reality of how abuse is most likely to occur. It causes us to become wary of adults in our children's lives and in general generates high levels of fear and insecurity about the world around us. Creating an environment of safety and security is crucial for our children's healthy development and we do not want to jeopardize that in our quest to keep our children safe. We need to find the correct balance between keeping them safe while at the same time ensuring that they grow up feeling secure. They need to grow up feeling that the world in general is indeed a safe place as long as we take proper precautions. Overreacting or viewing anyone or everyone who interacts with our children with suspicion is counterproductive and will cause more harm than good in the long run. A woman recently called me about a referral for her 10-year-old grandson. Why she was calling, I'm not sure. About a minor anxiety issue, and I suggested a few highly competent therapists who I thought might be a good shock for her. As soon as she heard their names, she became anxious herself and requested that I make a recommendation for a female therapist. When I asked her why, so she responded that a 10-year-old boy should never see a female a male therapist. Who knows what can happen. It sounded like she actually had tightness on me that I was making a referral for a male for a male therapist. She clearly had been so frightened by the media misinterpretations and sensational cases that she lived her life in irrational in irrational fear. The reality is that almost all interactions that children have with adults or with older children are not only safe but they are highly beneficial. There are few things fewer things more helpful to a child than having an older mentor. A mentor is a firstline defense for a child as having any sort of an issue. Often when parents call me for therapy, I suggest to them instead to invest in a highly qualified mentor for their child. It gives the child a safe place to discuss many issues that they may not be comfortable discussing with a parent. Mentoring is an extremely economical and efficient way to ward off issues before they become bigger problems. If we generate fear and distrust of adults our for our children, not only does the world become a scary and insecure place, but we also deprive our children of a tremendous resource that may be able to help them. At the same time, we need to recognize the realities of the world and we need to protect ourselves as best as we can to ensure that our children do not become victims. We need to make sure that our children's interactions with other children, teenagers and adults, we need to make sure it takes place in as safe a manner as possible. As Dr. Pman told us, the statistics of sexual abuse are are indeed very alarming. Multiple sources from multiple studies across the board suggests that as many as one in three girls and one in seven boys will be molested before the age of 18. That means that in a kindergarten class of 20 children, four will have been molested before they graduate high school. These these numbers are incredible and they're across the board through multiple studies. They're enough to frighten the most staunch non-believer in this entire para. However, these numbers do come from secular sources and to my knowledge, there have not been any serious, as Dr. Pearlman said, any serious comprehensive studies that have examined the from population. My own experiences in no way seem to match these statistics and multiple conversations with other mental health professionals as well as pediatricians seem to support my own findings. I have no doubt that the findings in the secular world are probably accurate, but I suspect very strongly that in the firm world they they're not nearly as prevalent. As a community, we have a tremendous amount to be proud of. It would seem that we are far healthier than the general population in many ways. That being said, it's clear that we are not immune. Sexual abuse does indeed occur. The catastrophic damage that it leaves in its wake affects durus of families and individuals. The damage, as Dr. Pearlman said, affects the gof. It affects the nama. It is extremely difficult for a victim of sexual abuse to lead to lead a normal, healthy, productive and adaptive life without significant struggle. Who abuses a child? As Dr. Pearlman told us, over 90% of abusers are known and trusted by the child. This does not mean that 90% of people who know your child will be an abuser. But it means that when a child is abused, 90% of the time it will be by somebody the child had a trusted relationship with, somebody the child knew and somebody the child trusted. Sometimes it's difficult to understand why people can have such an extreme reaction to being abused. Why is the damage so formative and why does it impact them for their entire lives? We've all had challenges. We've all had difficulties. We've all struggled. Why is this difficult? Why is it so different particularly when the abuse is no longer taking place? Why is it so difficult for them to move on to have a normal productive life? During the developmental years of a person's life, their sense of security, their entire sense of self-identity plays a pivotal role in how they will come to view themselves. If during a person's developmental and formative years, their basic sense of security, their basic sense of trust has been violated, it is extremely difficult for them to develop a comfort level with the world around them and with themselves. We never know who the next monster is going to be, what they're going to do to us. Victims of abuse operate with a heightened sense of suspicion. If a previously trusted person violated them in such a horrific way, who's to ensure that it won't happen again? This betrayal of trust affects the victim's ability to establish basic relationships because all relationships are based on trust. Children who have been abused have a far higher risk of developing a wide variety of emotional issues. They live life without any sense of security, without any sense of das. Let's also remember that if 90% of the time the abuser is going to be a trusted adult or a trusted individual in the child's life, that means that in our community always the abuser will be outwardly from. It's then very easy for the victim to create associations in his mind that being from results in a horrible and malicious type of behavior. In a sense, the victim essentially connects Yiddish kite with abuse. Is it any wonder that many victims of sexual abuse struggle mightily with their Yiddish kite? How can they be from when somebody who represents Yiddishkite did something so terrible? In a traumatic time, it is very easy to confuse Jews with Judaism. They may lose faith in themselves. Since it's easy, as Dr. problem said to blame themselves for what have occurred. They may feel dirty and used, lose their sense of wholesomeness. It's confusing because it feels good and they may not have actually been physically forced. Rather, they may have been coerced. They may have been intimidated. They may have been convinced. When it comes to physical abuse, it is always against physically against the will of the child. When it comes to sexual abuse, it is often more a mind game. It's a psychological mind game. They often carry the tremendous burden of blame and irrational guilt. It weighs them down for years and years to come. It attacks the gof and the nama on many levels. And that is why it is so catastrophic. Research has shown as Dr. Pearlman said, it is much more difficult to recover from sexual abuse than any other type of physical abuse. The fact that almost always the abuser is known and trusted by the victim also causes us to re-evaluate how do we go about protecting our children and ensuring their safety. Warning our children to stay away from strangers puts our focus and our energies on the population that is least likely to harm our families. Besides for the fact that it encourages people to think that the world is a scary and dangerous place, the truth is just the opposite. For the most part, we can indeed place our trust in humanity and almost always that trust will not have been misplaced. As a matter of fact, if you look at the advertisement for tonight's event, it prevents a very scary picture is a looming shadowy figure hovering over a small child. That is overwhelmingly not the reality of how abuse takes place. Almost always it is not a scary figure lurking in the shadows but a kind trusted person whom the child already knows. So what can we do? How do we keep our kids safe? Obviously we don't and should not focus on the chance that there is a possibility that somebody whom the child knows and trusts is going to harm them. Besides the impractic impracticality of such an approach, it would generate tremendous harm for our children's sense of development. If they grow up paranoid and afraid, it'll do immeasurable damage to them in many ways. What we need to do instead, we need to teach our children basic safety skills in a healthy, non-threatening way. skills that they could apply across the board in multiple settings, in multiple scenarios. Skills that will keep them safe from potential harms and threats from those who may seek to harm them while at the same time enable them to maintain the faith in those whom they love and trust the most. Instead of teaching our children to be afraid of strangers, we need to empower them to protect themselves with confidence, with assurance. We need to teach them the skills that will keep them safe across the board. We need to teach them how to respond in a given situation in any type of a scenario that might be making them uncomfortable. The truth is there is no way to tell who might be an abuser. There's no look. As Dr. Pearlman said, it's not the freaky guy in the van. It's community people, successful, highass individuals. They could be male, they could be female. They span every socioeconomic forum and exist across every culture and every religion. That's why it is so important to teach our kids to keep themselves safe rather than having them avoid scary situations. It's simply impossible to micromanage their lives in such a way as to have them avoid people who might present a threat. We simply can't identify in advance who might be that risk. We just don't know. I've worked with several individuals older bram who had molested younger siblings or or relatives or neighbors. No one had any idea they were considered top bakr in their respective yes is yeshivas. No one would have ever suspected them of doing anything wrong. Trying to keep our children away from people who may harm them who we may suspect of having ill intentions simply not enough. We will never be able to accurately identify who may pose a threat. We need to teach our children to keep themselves safe with confidence with assurance. We need essentially to put systems in place that will protect them and keep them safe in multiple environments and across varied situations. It's important to recognize as well that children do have the capacity to understand messages of safety and danger while at the same time still maintain their sense of security. Think of it as a fire drill. Every yeshiva, every school, every mid runs a fire drill. And we don't go through life afraid of fire unless somebody has an anxiety disorder. I just want to take a couple of minutes to discuss several specific areas or danger zones that my professional experience has taught me can be particularly challenging. The overwhelming majority of the cases of abuse that I have dealt with have involved either siblings, cousins, neighbors, or peers. Almost always the perpetrator is either a child or a young adult, a teenager, and could be either male or female. It is less common for females to be an abuser, but I ha I have had multiple cases where the abuser was a female. I've had many conversations with other mental health professionals on this topic, and their experiences in this regard are very similar to mine. It is far more common for abuse to be perpetrated by peers or family members younger, such as siblings or cousins, as opposed to being victimized by adults. These are not scientific studies and the truth is we really need hard data to get an accurate assessment of the reality. But the mental health professionals as well as pediatricians whom I have consulted, they're all experiencing the same thing. Most abuse takes place at the hands of younger people who are either family members, peers or neighbors. Which means in a sense that there are really two victims. There's not just one victims. Both the victim and the perpetrator are victims. Had proper safeguards been in place, nothing would have ever occurred. I've worked with several good Bakram whose lives were totally destroyed by the guilt that they carried because of the things they had done when they were younger. They're desperately wishing that they would have never been given those opportunities that they were given and to do the things that they had done. Of course, they're responsible, but essentially they're also victims. Almost always it doesn't come from anything malicious on their part. The world we live in today and the exposures that our children experience at increasingly younger and younger ages, they generate very powerful feelings that they are simply not mature enough to handle. In the time in the past, by the time a child was exposed to the adult aspect of the world, they had the emotional maturity and the self-control to keep themselves in check and to avoid acting impulsively. They were able to recognize the seriousness of this entire topic. And they were emotionally developed enough to realize the harm that could occur if they were to violate the rights and privacy of other people. Today, kids are exposed at a younger and younger age, and the feelings and drives are activated much, much younger. I I've had conversations with boys in fifth and sixth grade where they they're already exposed. It's an age when a child or a young adult is not emotionally developed enough to avoid acting impulsively. They are simply unaware of the terrible danger that they pose to themselves and others. the availability of relatives, siblings, cousins, neighbors. It's simply too tempting for them and they end up doing things that they know they are wrong. It requires a self-control at a young age that they simply do not have. In the end, it's a tragedy for both of them. A tragedy that very likely could have been avoided with a little bit of foresight. Even by the way, in situations where technically it would not be considered abuse, there is far too much experimenting and playing around among amongst boys of similar ages. I've received many calls from parents of boys in sixth grade and seventh grade, eighth grade who've been behaving together in ways that are highly inappropriate. And even though this may not be considered abuse, but the damage can be terrible and longlasting and it often has longasting repercussions. It can affect how they look at themselves long term. It can cause them to question if they're normal. And a little bit of foresight and a little bit of shira in advance would have can can really pre prevent all of these issues. Another area that I believe requires extra vigilance. People may be surprised is household help. Housekeepers cleaning help. They present their own unique challenges in our world. I recently worked with an outstanding young man, a real bentra who had been molested by his family's trusted cleaning lady when he was a child homesick one day. He carried this terrible burden for 15 years until he told me I was the first one here told him 15 years. It it distorted his entire concept of every adult concept. The pain and trauma in a sense had an impact on practically every single thought he had had in yeshiva and in his life for the past 15 years. I've worked with several bakram who interacted with their family cleaning ladies in horribly inappropriate ways over periods of time. To a certain extent, if we think about it, these women are the only non-family females that these boys have been exposed to. And there's a certain comfort level that they feel particularly if these women are around often enough and to a certain extent they're considered their employees especially if they're full-time housekeepers. So what can we do? How do we keep our children safe? Particularly it seems that our children are most at risk in areas where they are most comfortable at home in school at the homes of relatives in the neighborhood. We do not want them to lose their sense of security in these environments. We do not want them to become paranoid or hypervigilant losing their sense of innocence. We want them to be comfortable. We want them to be secure and trusting while at the same time we want them to be safe. I think what we need to do is to create an environment and a culture in our homes, in our lives, in our schools of transparency and accountability and to gives to give our children age appropriate knowledge. When our children are raised in a culture where it is unacceptable for them to be alone with somebody behind a locked door or to hang around in an isolated area, if we have a culture where they know that being in a deserted area with someone either another child or an adult who is not their parent is something that is simply improper, that is an extremely powerful safety skill. When when we raise our families with the mindset that there are places and situations that they simply should not be and they should not allow themselves to be, then if somebody tries to entice them or convince them to enter that type of a situation, they will immediately know that they should leave and they should tell an an adult what has occurred. They will have the skills to keep themselves safe far in advance of any actual danger. We definitely want our children to have healthy relationships with other children and other adults. As we said before, a mentoring relationship can be invaluable to a child. However, we want it to take place in an environment where there is transparency, accountability, and knowledge. Mentoring should never be done in a private location. It should always be done in a public location such as a shel where there are other people. Never in a private school where nobody's around. Never in an empty building. It should not be done in the mentor's house if his wife or family members are not home. It can be done in our own homes if parents are home. As long as there is accountability and transparency, our children should be safe. All aspects of the relationship should be public and out in the open. A child should not be going on a trip by himself with an adult who is not his parents. He can go with several children or several adults. This creates the transparency and accountability. When children are playing together, there should be parental supervision. There shouldn't be going into construction sites on their own to play by themselves, to play together together in the basement when there's no adult supervision. If there's transparency and accountability, no one would behave in a way that's inappropriate. It requires a a very careful balance because we do want to give our kids autonomy and independence. They need those skills to develop into healthy, adaptive adults. One of the simplest ways to create this kind of an environment is simply to follow or to mimic the of when it's two boys of and the responsibility that we all have to avoid the is of creates this level of transparency and accountability and almost always prevents inappropriate behaviors. Mother recently called me with the following situation. Again, all cases are are adjusted and none of them are local. She had left her nine-year-old daughter in the care of a male teenage relative who was essentially a part of the family. It's a classic convenient babysitting situation and the boy tried to be inappropriate with her. The fallout in the extended family was significant. If the halos of Yehik had been followed, this would have never occurred. An older girl babysitting for a child also certainly above the age of nine. We could ask the but maybe even younger to mimic the tremendous pain and suffering can be avoided. In general, children should not be allowed to lock the bedroom doors in a house. Even better, doors shouldn't have locks to begin with. Obviously, this becomes much more difficult when there are married siblings. But as a general rule, when children are younger, the doors in the house should not be locked. Parents should be vigilant to make their presence known on a regular basis throughout the house. If the kids are playing upstairs, one of the parents should just cruise through. Just the fact that the parent is consistently around, it creates an incredible mess and helps to avoid behaviors that are unacceptable. It doesn't and should not be done with a sense of urgency or a sense of panic that there's something terrible going on, therefore I'm coming to check on you. Just in a casual, very relaxed way. Parents should make their presence known throughout the house. The combination of not allowing doors to be locked and being a constant presence in the home creates a very strong level of transparency and accountability. Especially when friends are over or at a time when the home has many unfamiliar people with it. It just creates that level of accountability when we're constantly around. Yiff can be a particularly challenging time that requires extra vigilance. It's a time YT is coming up. Many families are together. Many more people are cooped up in close quarters. People who generally would never share a bedroom are sharing bedrooms for extended periods of time. Yes, Yantiff is beautiful. We want to make sure it's beautiful for everybody and that everyone's memories of Yontiff are positive. Unfortunately, I know of way too many stories that people look back at Yiff as as a horribly horrific time. The way to do that is simply to create this level of accountability and transparency. The truth is it's nothing new. Khazal were well aware of this. That's why there were msak and bahab because of the heckeris that takes place over yiff. There is no reason a child should be in an adult's bedroom or an adult should be in a child's bedroom. Certainly with the door closed. It's simply a matter of creating that culture within our homes. We limit opportunities for people to do something wrong. Parents go away for a or an evening. They should also try to mimic the and not leave just two siblings at home, even two boys. Unfortunately, I know of too many situations where behaviors went on went on and untold damage occurred. Again, creating accountability and transparency without that sense of panic or urgency to create that environment of safety, without in any way compromising our children's security in themselves, in their families or in society. It's easy to do, especially younger families where we're not making any changes. We're just creating a culture that doors are open, parents are around. It just creates that mess. Sleepovers, we should be very careful. older siblings should not be around if a younger sibling is having sleepovers. We have to use SEO to create this level of transparency as much as we can. We should try to institute the buddy system where children don't walk by themselves. They're always walking in pairs. It's far less likely for somebody to attempt something with a child or try to intimidate a child if there's somebody else with him than if he's walking by himself or her. When we bring our children to shul, we also need to put transparency and accountability. Our children should know they are not allowed to go into rooms when no one else is in there or into rooms that lock in the shoo. In general, they need to stay in public areas of the shoo. Not getting into the topic of should we bring children to sh to play around or not. I'm sure everybody has their own opinions on that. When children are younger, it is probably wise to take them to the bathroom rather than letting them go themselves. As an aside, not really today's topic. It's my opinion that the safest bathrooms are the ones that have the most exposure. Yes, from a sneeze standpoint, having stalls that are very private is far more comfortable. From a safety standpoint, the less private they are, the safer they are. If you can't see people's feet, if you can see people's feet, it's very unlikely that two people will go into the same stall together, unless it's a father helping his son. I get calls with regularity about activities that take place in the bathrooms. The less private they are, the safer they are at all times. We need to pay attention. If somebody is playing with a child in the lobby of the shul, if an adult is playing with a child in the lobby of the shul, it should attract our attention. I'm not talking about the little kibbiting here and there. Why is an adult not where he's supposed to be? Why is he in the lobby interacting with a child who's not his own? As a rule, adults should play with adults and children should play with children. When an adult is playing with a child, it is suspicious and it's something we certainly should pay attention to. When an older child is playing with younger children, it's also something we should pay attention to. Is it simply a social issue or is it something else going on? creating this atmosphere and this culture of transparency and accountability. It also protects innocent people from being accused of something for which there is no defense. Once an accusation is made, even if it's withdrawn or even if it's found to be totally false, the suspicious the suspicion always lingers. There is no place to go for a person to get his good reputation back. That's why it's catastrophic to make a mistake in either direction here. Either we put a child at risk or we totally destroy somebody's life in a way that they can never recover from. We cannot afford to make a mistake in this area ever. Ever. The way to protect ourselves as adults and protect our children is by creating transparency both for both for ourselves and for our children. We also need to recognize that creating accountability and transparency throughout every aspect of our children's days. For us to do it ourselves, it's a logistical nightmare. It's simply impossible for us to do on our own. We cannot structure their entire day in such a way that they will have the messes from us. We're not around most of our day. We're not around when they're on their own. We're not around when they're in school. What we need to do really as what Rasha Rebelli said, we need to harness our community resources to generate accountability and transparency for our children. We need to look out not only for our own children. We need to look out for the children of the entire community. This does not mean that we parent or we discipline other people's children. It's a recipe for disaster. But it does mean that if we see something inappropriate or if something is making us uncomfortable, we should not just walk away. We are not allowed to be malam anov. are not allowed to walk away. We need to make our presence known at times. We need to call the parents. We need to contact them. We need to let them know that, you know, we have reason maybe to that they should look into something. Let's look out for all of our children. If we see something going on in the kiddish room and chul often just walking in making our presence known is enough to put a stop to it. When we see children lurking in isolated areas, be a presence. We should teach our children when and where it's okay to be somewhere. Often the children themselves may have this sense of discomfort. They're not really sure, should I be here? Should I not be here? But if they don't have clear guidelines about it, it's much easier for them to kind of get sucked into the situation. It's tremendously empowering for our children to be able to have a very good sense of what is okay, what is not okay, where is it okay for me to be and where is it not okay for me to be. Abuse is not just about inappropriate touching. If another child shows another child inappropriate material, explicit conversations can all be abusive. Often these activities are part of the grooming process where more behavior is planned. It's designed to lead elsewhere. And we need to pay very close attention to these types of behaviors. If there's a candyman in school, he shouldn't just give a child candy. He himself should ask, is it okay with your parents? This teaches the child. It's a very powerful lesson. It teaches the child he shouldn't be accepting something from anybody. We need to communicate to our children and to help them understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate interactions, between touching that is okay and touching that is not okay. In general, communicating to our children that no one besides a parent or a doctor has any right to ever touch them in an area normally covered by the bathing suit. It's a very good general guideline for what kind of touching is okay. However, any kind of touching that makes them uncomfortable is cause for concern. And our children need to know that they can say no. Even if it's rude, even if it's rude, we need to teach our kids if somebody's touching them in a way that makes them uncomfortable, they can say no. Even if it's an adult, it doesn't matter how they are. And then they need to tell a parent. A child should not be sent to the doctor for an annual exam with an older sibling. It should always be done in the presence of the parent. And the parent should demonstrate to the child that this is okay. This doesn't mean for a strep strep type of a thing. Means for the annual physical. One of the most important things that we can do to protect our children is to develop healthy trusting relationships with them. If they are comfortable with us and they trust us then they will share our lives with their lives with us. If something does happen to them as Dr. PB said they will tell us they will trust us to protect them and they will trust us that we will keep them safe. They know we won't blame them. They know we'll be supportive and they know that we will get them the help they need. If they don't trust us, if they feel that the relationship is not one that's genuine and close, they will avoid sharing with us. And we will be severely limited in our ability to help them at the time that they need us most. In general, the most effective weapon we have in our arsenal to protect our children from all of the challenges in today's world, in today's highly challenging world, is our relationship with them. We need to make our relationship with our children our highest our highest priority. And together with may we be to raise many healthy [Applause] dus. Thank you very much Dr. Brown. Thank you very much Dr. Pearlman and Relia. I really want to just thank everybody for taking the time to come out here tonight. We know that this is not a topic that's easy to deal with, but uh as everybody mentioned before, awareness is the key. And hopefully with SIA Deshmaya, by being open about these matters and being able to communicate it, we can keep the next generation safe and those that are suffering, we can get them the help that they need. Thank you very much for coming.