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Amudim Event 9-11-2016 Part 2 Dr Akiva Perlman, Ph D
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thank
youas and all the wonderful people here
I can't tell you what an honor it is to
be
here they say there's a hole one of the
famous music HS in the world Cari Hall
they say there's only one way to get
there and that's through practice
practice practice I've always wanted to
become a part of Lakewood and
unfortunately I didn't do it the right
way I found a loophole and but
thankfully I'm here and thank God I have
this opportunity to share some of my
experience and hopefully pass that along
in through through words of strength um
and today's a day that we should
celebrate not a day that should we
should look at ourselves and say where
are we but rather where are we going I
especially want to give a thank you and
a hello to my colleagues my former
students from liou um who are really in
the front line of working within our
community with our people um it's so
wonderful to see you here settled and I
finally get the chance to see you on
your own your own
grounds it's never an easy
day and I certainly don't get any
comfort in speaking about sexuality and
speaking about Intimacy in a public for
it's not intended to be spoken about in
a public form it's designed to bring
intimacy it's designed to bring
closeness between two individuals and
that's how it should be spoken about
it's not supposed to be discussed in a
way where we're diminishing its ultimate
power however tonight we have no choice
the time has really come because there's
so many people that are suffering that
we need to find a way to talk about
something that is so hard to talk about
that is not intended to be spoken about
in public simply because we have no
other choice so I would like to
find a way to balance discussing
something that is so sensitive while
also upholding these values that are so
beautiful it's these values that keep us
as a nation close and connected to one
another but it's not only that but the
way that we don't talk about it could
even just slightly be perpetuating this
problem because there's no Forum we
haven't developed a way to talk about
Intimacy in a way that works for us then
we have we don't hear the voices that
are calling our names that are screaming
out saying please help us so we need to
develop a way to discuss something that
is very hard to talk about and it's
almost like a muscle there's a muscle
that when you first start developing
something or you first start working out
it hurts a lot but then over time you
gain strength you gain comfort and gain
increased ability I remember the first
time when I started out as a therapist
and someone mentioned something that I
was simply not prepared for I wasn't
emotionally ready for it no one told me
about it in graduate school and there it
was in my office someone talking about
something I was simply not ready to talk
about and at the time I tried to compose
myself but I couldn't I said please
excuse me for a minute I walked out of
the therapy room I tried to pull myself
together gained some strength came back
in and continued the session and since
then it's been a journey of trying to
develop this muscle of being able to
listen to things that are so hard to
hear but are necessary to hear I keep
looking for this guy I want to give him
some money back and say like that was a
terrible session and uh you deserve some
money
back there's a a wonderful study and a
teaching that was given over to us by a
a psychologist a world-renowned
psychologist named Alice Miller and she
shared an idea and she said we have a
natural defense against seeing something
that is too painful to look at and
however painful it is the increased our
defense is going to be towards it so an
issue like this however prevalent it
might be it might be in our doorstep it
might be in our house because it's so
dark because it's so painful we have
this defense against seeing its actual
existence this
issue is far more common than we'd like
to think it is but I could say this we
don't have actual numbers in the Jewish
community community and we'll explain
why we don't have actual numbers and we
certainly don't have actual numbers in
the World At Large either we only have
estimates because people themselves who
are hurting with this are too afraid to
talk about it it's too painful so even
them we don't know how many of them are
there actually how many people are
suffering but I know this as a therapist
I do not know a single Jewish therapist
or single therapist that works with the
Jewish community that has been doing it
for more than 3 years that doesn't know
this problem exists I don't know a
single RV who's been practicing in any
community that doesn't is not dealing
with this problem within their community
and the picture is a little different
than we might think there was a campaign
called stranger danger that was very
popular and it would basically told us
stay away from strangers if to someone
knocks on your
door and he ask you for something Clos
the door someone pulls up in a van and
offering you candy stay away and that
was easy for us to absorb it was
comfortable because it was another
people it was the outside it was some
weird guy in a van but the reality is
that
90% of the people who are perpetuating
these crimes are people that the victim
is familiar with the victims know the
people that are harming them the
families are familiar with them the
families trust them they trust them
largely to be with their children to
take care of their children so we talk
about 90% it changes the picture a
little bit it's no longer a stranger
effect it is no longer another guy it is
our neighbor it is ourselves it is us as
a
people 30% it's a harsh number to talk
about but 30% of those people who are
abused are abused by family members and
that family member could be a parent it
could be a sibling it could be an uncle
or an aunt but these are people again
that are not the creepy guy in a car
they're not the guy who knocks on your
door and S offers you a candy these are
the people that come over for a Kaneka
event these are the people that we
celebrate our family Simas
with these are people that the family
ultimately
trust and it changes the picture it
changes the picture from one of outside
people who are harming us and we protect
ourselves and we could keep it pristine
it turns it into a picture that we have
a problem that is starting Within
ourselves within our families within our
people that is emerging and as a result
of that people are suffering and the
suffering is a lot more painful it's a
lot suffering is never good and no one
should ever suffer but it's easier to
digest when it's a stranger who's a
sicko who's hurt you it's a lot easier
to look at that than it is to look at
someone that I know and I care about how
could someone love me yet hurt me at the
same time how is someone who is supposed
to take take care of me take care of my
needs also harm me in such a profound
way I had someone who said to me
recently a client of mine I just wanted
to know in advance these stories I
change so of course not to reveal the
identity of these individuals these
special people who have come forward who
are talking about it and he came to me
and he said after an incident that
happened to him he was abused by someone
that he trusted that the family trusted
and after it was over the person just
acted like it was normal and he said how
could they do that how could they just
pretend like nothing happened and just
wave to me when they see me walking down
the street how is that possible and that
confusion that pain is much more
profound than a guy who lives in a
neighbor a neighboring community that is
the guy who lives down the block who's
harming someone who's close to
him one thing we know and they these are
only estimated numbers they can't tell
for sure because this problem like we
said we're changing the face of it it's
no longer others it's us one thing we
know is that around 40% of people who
are victimized never ever
disclose we only know this based on the
amount of people who have come forward
and the ages that they've come forward
and how long it's taken them I had a man
in my office recently was 70 years old
he lived with the shame the silence for
who knows how many years
70 years old and I was the first person
he disclosed anything
to and I do believe that because there's
no Forum because there's no place for
people to talk about this in an open way
for people to know that I can turn for
help certainly in our community that
that number might be a lot bigger that
40% that exists in the World At Large
within us might be larger than
40% now numbers are easy to talk about
but stories and people and
lives it's much more different when you
sit with someone who's been hurt in such
a way they're no longer a statistic
they're a human being who's in profound
pain I don't like telling stories to
dramatize or to paint a picture that
would say okay let's all wake up but
there's a reality and what is it about
there was a young woman I worked with
when I first started
out who feared and greatly
feared when her brother would return
from Yeshiva during
ban and this is a one-time event and I
tell you this story only because we want
to start to begin to understand what is
this what is this
problem how does this affect the people
around us and ultimately a most
importantly what could we do about it
but she feared bayaz man because her
brother would come into her room and
harm
her now she pretended the whole time
that she was sleeping because she knew
if she pretended she was awake and hear
this for a second she didn't want to
embarrass her
brother she didn't want her brother to
feel like he was doing something wrong
so she pretended like she was
sleeping now that shame that aloneness
that quietness of the
Sleep lasted however long it was until
she shared that with me what happens
with this because it's such a private
matter because it's something we don't
talk about it happens in the dark it
happens in secrecy and ultimately with
shaming feelings for example statements
like and I can't tell you the amount of
times I heard this you liked it you
wanted it you were seeking it
out I didn't hurt you you wanted to get
hurt yourself and not only that you came
back for more that
message the darkness of that the sh
shame that comes along with that
ultimately when they look at this in
numbers and they look at in statistics
they look there's a study done in
Denmark that looked at all harmful
behaviors bullying making fun of a kid
children from homes that are broken all
these places neglected physically hurt
and what they found when they put it on
in numbers they found that this type of
abuse this type of pain hurt more than
any other the shame connected to it was
just more profound than any other and
that's something that we need to
understand what about it it seems like a
physical Behavior how does that manifest
in something that's so deep and lasts
for so
long to First understand that pain let's
first look at what life is like for an
individual before such an event occurs
and this is of course idealized and I
only hope that everyone in this room
feels this way but it might give us a
sense of what happened to that
individual prior to an event and then
ultimately what it did to them
later imagine a person who's supposed to
be unconditionally loved simply because
they are born and simply because they're
a child of Hashem and that's it they're
supposed to be unconditionally given to
all of
us we're taught that we're inherently
good and worthy and this is a message
that's given over to us as a child and
there a message that we should be giving
over to all of our children you are good
simply because you're a child simply
because Hashem created you and you're a
beautiful being we are taught that we
are capable and we can
achieve and then we are told that we can
and will'll make mistakes but then
ultimately it's okay we could overcome
them and we're still good which means
the center of who we are is okay is
intact is comfortable and therefore we
internalize this we take the message
that the world gives to us and the
message that we're supposed to giving to
our children we internalize it and we
Define ourselves by it we take risks we
overcome the obstacles we feel okay not
all the time but generally speaking we
take this message that's been given to
us and we feel
okay but imagine for a
minute what if that was taken away from
someone and they were left believing
that that core that Center of who and
what they are is bad is unworthy is
unlovable that essence that is
unconditional that is supposed to be
given to every human being is taken from
them by an act by a message that's
inherent to that act what would happen
to that person now shame is the opposite
of this same is shame is the exact
opposite of description of a person who
could face the world because they feel
okay and they feel comfortable shame is
the the inverse to that
experience shame is created when you are
treated like an object and not a
person when you're viewed as a piece of
meat and not someone who has any self
value a client one sent to me and it was
such a painful thing to hear CU why was
this person thinking about this but he
said I often wondered if he cared about
me as a person here's this individual
who was paying attention to them who was
grooming them who acted like they like
them yet they treated them like an
object they didn't treat them like a
human being yet yet this person who was
being harmed and hurt on a regular basis
was left wondering does this person know
that I'm a person does this person know
that I exist outside of
this shame is created when a person has
their powerlessness regularly held in
front of them so they can't escape that
feeling
powerlessness I don't know if we know
what that feels like but to feel like
you are not in control where that's
being stripped from
you client said in tears tears and
bitter tears I tried so hard to escape
but I always found myself back in the
same place there was nowhere to turn it
was an individual that was there that
had access and harmed and harmed and
harmed and in spite of desire to leave
to
run there was nowhere to
go shame is created when a person is
forced to experience something that they
are not yet ready to
experience and if there's one essential
statement
that could explain shame and its
totality it's that
experience we are not supposed to
experience things that we are de not
developmentally ready to experience yet
everyone goes through stages of
development children learn to share they
learn to communicate with others and
then as they get older they develop this
ability this this capability to
communicate with others and make
decisions for themselves but when you're
forced to experience something that you
don't yet understand that you can't
maneuver your way
around that develops a deep sense of
shame in a
person a client once said to me and this
happened to him when he was very young
and he said I knew I knew in my heart
that there was something wrong but I
didn't know why developmentally he
couldn't make sense of the harm that was
created in it even though he still knew
there was something wrong in it so
shame is the opposite of what we were
describing for before of someone who
feels like they're given to shame is
created when your essence your most
private part of your being is taken
advantage of leaving no one to
trust and certainly not
yourself a client recently said such a
painful thing it was just a moment to
answer and this is an individual who
hasn't harmed a single
being has been harmed a great deal but
is so terrified of their power and who
they are as a person they've stayed so
far away from harming anybody yet they
still looked at me and said would you
trust me as a person to teach your son
how to
lean which means he didn't believe in
himself as a person it was taken from
him it was the message of you are bad
you are
unworthy there something about you
that's wrong was internalized he took
that message that was given to him and
he began to feel it and he felt like a
person even though he didn't do anything
wrong that was simply incapable of doing
any good that essence of him was
taken so what happens to this
shame let follow the journey just a
little bit what happens to it as that
individual whose core whose Soul has
been tarnished over time you begin to
internalize that message that there's
something really wrong with
you you've been told you've been treated
like there's something wrong with you
and over time you begin to feel it I
think one of the most painful moments in
all my years as a therapist happened
when I was seeing this one young man he
a beautiful man from our community who's
been hurt I believe more so than anyone
I've ever encountered in my
life yet he has the strength and
fortitude to keep moving
forward and I was working with him for 6
months and it was very slow the stories
he just had a hard time even talking
about what happened to him had a hard
time sharing his life with
me and I asked him one day I finally had
the courage to say what's going on why
do I feel so much distance so much
protection I've been here I'm trying to
connect with you I'm trying to create a
place that's safe for you yet I still
feel the
distance and he turned to me and he said
you have been good
you've treated me well you've treated me
kindly you've seen me when I didn't have
any money to pay for
therapy yet I'm just waiting for you to
abuse me I'm waiting for you to hurt
me he believed this message I sat there
I just could I couldn't
breathe but he believed this message he
absorbed this message that he was
supposed to be someone who was getting
hurt he was supposed to be someone who
couldn't put himself out there to be
taken care of in this world
and he said I'm surprised when adult
when any adult doesn't hurt me I assume
that they will now I know that at some
point I might hurt him certainly not
intentionally but he is is waiting for
it he will welcome it and he said I
prepared myself for that and in my mind
as we looked further into this he said
if you wanted to hurt me I would let you
because that is what I know that's what
I've been taught that's what I know
about myself as a
person and I asked myself when I met
this
man I said where was I now he was from
another Community there was no way I
could have known him but where was I
where were we when there were
cries there so many times that he was
being hurt where were
we and today is that time when we say no
more we create a platform we create a
forum for these voices to be heard and
we need to because the suffering is so
profound and it's not an individual
follow that individual through a
marriage and how does that look and how
does that look when that individual is a
mother is a father is a teacher is
working for somebody what does that
person look like who ultimately believes
that they're supposed to be hurt that
they're not supposed to be treated well
that they are bad and unworthy
people and that becomes who they are are
they develop a sense what we call a core
belief of I am bad my Essence is bad and
I'm a helpless
individual and we all know that that's
not true we all know that every child
deserves the right to feel a different
way but ultimately an event can take
that
away all pain and these are one of the
unfortunate things I had to
learn that all pain presents itself one
way or another when people are hurting
when people are hurt when people suffer
it finds a way to present itself in real
life I just want to read you a line from
an author ber Brown where she talks
about this process a little bit and she
says a deep sense of love and belonging
is an irreducible need of all people we
are biologically cognitively physically
and spiritually wired to love
to be loved and to
belong when those needs are not met we
don't function as we are meant to we
break we
break we fall apart we numb we ache we
hurt others and we get
sick there's a consequence to pain
there's a consequence to people being
treated poorly is that that person then
aches and they don't only ache alone
they often hurt others as well there was
a a young woman I worked with many many
years ago when I was first starting out
and I was at an agency ohal Children's
Home in
Brooklyn and as a young woman that the
family came in and they described case
after case of terrible events that
tragedies the family went through
together and they brought in the two
sons and they were the identified people
saying these are the ones that are
suffering and I said tell me a little
more about the family they said well we
have there's another person in the
family but she's wonderful she's great
she loves she's kind she's generous
she's open she doesn't need to be here
and I said has anyone given her an
opportunity to talk she went through the
same experiences as everybody else in
this family and they're all turning
their lives upside down and inside out
has she had had an opportunity to let
some of that Pain release some of
it and they said no we quickly set her
up with somebody to talk and she
presents as the the child that was
really doing everything well and all it
took was one person asking her one
question how are
you was the only question that therapist
asked that session it was not me it was
a colleague of mine and she said how are
you and that was it the floodgates open
and a World opened up and there was a
person finally was willing to listen she
didn't have to hide behind all the good
behaviors she didn't have to be the one
who was taking care of everybody else
she could be the individual who was
hurting as well thank God she's doing
really well today she's made her way
through that Journey but it took a long
time for her to settle down after that
there's a study known as the ace
study which basically teaches us this
one point the more pain one experiences
the more dysfunction they're going to
have in their life it's almost like a
mathematical
formula If you experience a lot of pain
you're going to hurt and it's going to
present in a really bad way and what
they found is that if someone
experienced four what they identifi we
don't have to go through the whole study
what they identified it as four
experiences that were really traumatic
then that person was seven times more
likely to become an alcoholic we're
talking about over the general
population 12 times more likely to
attempt suicide than anybody
else that is the reality of pain it
lives it's alive it doesn't go anywhere
and where does it go how do people act
out when we look at substance abuse
facilities and treatment centers for
people who are really crying for help
what they have found is that between 60
and 80% of adolescents and young adults
who are in treatment centers
have a history of sexual abuse so we're
looking at what happens to the people
how do they deal how do they begin to
resolve some of that pain how do they
numb some of that pain but what we know
is that it goes somewhere and there
needs to be a seeking of some type of
comfort in my own informal study that
I've asked the people that I know in
this profession who are running centers
for the atrisk community the people who
run the hour
places and the other programs the living
room programs for our people who are
struggling with these types of issues
the lowest number I got was 60% of the
people who attend those programs as
having an issue having a history of
sexual abuse that was the lowest number
my good friend and colleague man NQ runs
the living room last night texted me
with the men it was around 70% and with
the women it was between 80 and
90% now what we look at what we see is a
person's
self-destructing what we don't see
is the pain that is creating that
self-destruction and maybe maybe because
of tonight we could open our eyes our
hearts just a little bit more and start
seeing the essential problem not the
behavior that comes as a result of the
problem but the pain that creates the
need to run from
it so when we look at acting out when we
look at atrisk Behavior that's the
manifestation of it often becomes the
only means to deal with such pain when
you look at people and you really get to
sit and speak with them about their
lives and what the atrisk behavior means
for them they will often make a
statement like this is the only way I
know how to live this is the only
experience that I have that gives me the
sense of survival of reprieve of comfort
there was a physician Gabor mate from
Cal from Canada who made a statement and
he said it's impossible to understand
risky Behavior without asking what
relief the person finds or hopes to find
in the risky or addictive behavior he
said we need to look at what relief is a
person
seeking why do they need to do what
they're doing we might be asking the
wrong
question we get frustrated with the
people around us who are acting in these
ways and we ask them why do you cause so
much pain to other people why are you
destroying your life but maybe we need
to ask what type of pain are you in that
you need to soothe it through such
means what's hurting that this provides
you a sense of relief and a sense of
numbing so let's
reidentifying to give a chance to Rabbi
Dr Brown to really talk about the
Practical aspect of what we need to
do physical abuse happens to the
body but the result of it is not
physical the result manifests
spiritually emotionally through shame
through aloneness through
helplessness the solution is going to be
discussed in just a few minutes but I
want to share a teaching from a great
psychologist named Carl Rogers and he
said change is much more about being
than it is about
doing we need to become a people that
could listen that could hear
we need to be we also need to do but it
starts with being we need to become a
people that no longer fears this reality
we know it we turn to it we face it and
we build our muscles our tolerance to be
able to communicate about it because
they won't communicate with us until
we're ready to hear it we need to become
aware of the suffering around us and
become emotionally available to those
who need us most those individuals who
live in this
Darkness we need to become a people who
does not allow this Behavior to continue
by protecting the ones committing these
crimes there's an unfortunate reality
that the people who commit such
atrocities are often not caught until
they've done it to a hundred
children and when we think about it's a
controversial subject and I really don't
want to touch upon it certainly not
tonight when we talk about
reporting there's a different story to
reporting often I hear about it from the
individuals who are suffering who are
saying I've suffered enough my life has
already been ruined I just want to make
sure this doesn't happen to another
individual please help me find a way to
stop this
person I just want to make sure another
person
suffers does not
suffer shame cannot survive empathy it
can cannot survive being spoken
shame becomes Born Into Darkness and
remains alive and develops strength only
Into Darkness and once we bring it to
light like We Are Tonight it can no
longer exist so why do we need to listen
why do we need to develop these muscles
because tonight we really make a
difference by listening by strengthening
ourselves we're going to become more
likely to hear about it
hear about it in the planning phases
hear about it when your child comes home
or a child comes home your child a child
comes home and makes a statement like
this something feels a little off about
this individual and I can't tell you the
amount of times that I've sat with
parents and children and the parents
said well why didn't you talk to me why
didn't you tell me and the child turns
to them with these innocent eyes and
says I tried I told you I didn't like
this person but you said oh don't worry
it's okay and the child said I tried and
you didn't listen so therefore I gave up
by listening we become attuned to that
voice in advance and we could catch it
in its planning phases by listening
we're more likely to hear about it
sooner even if it does occur if it
happens we could hear about it right
away so we could inter intervene and
help that person and by listening we
could find the appropriate way to
respond because figure fing out how to
respond really impacts the outcome of
this individual's life of the greatest
predictors of the amount of suffering
it's going to cause a person is based on
the first person they tell what their
reaction is and I can't tell you how
many times I've
heard a child say I wasn't believed I
told somebody I told a leader and they
just simply didn't believe me so we need
to listen to them
if our children sense and this is so
important if our children sense that we
can't handle this subject that we can't
turn to them and say your body is yours
it belongs to you and nobody possesses
the right to touch it if they sense that
we can't say those words with it a sense
of comfort and
confidence then they know that we can't
handle it and they certainly won't be
able to handle it on their own they're
looking to us to give them that strength
to say we could we could handle this as
adults and all we need is for you to
come forward but most of all we need to
listen because they will not speak until
we as a community as a people as
individuals are ready to hear and I wish
us all and I give us AA that suffering
ends and we see mhia speedily in our
days thank you