Amudim Event 5 15 2016 Part 1 Harav Elya Brudny

Thank you very much for coming. For those who don't know, my name is Tvi Glak and I had this along with some others here to found this organization just over two years ago. I'd like to start by saying thank you to the young Israel of Q Gardens Hills. It's uh the RV and the president and directors for really opening up their home to us and bending over backwards to really make this work. I'd like to thank our partner Kazak and really helping us put this event together. And I would like to thank the local maestra Yeshiva to Ferris Mosha Yeshiva Katana Benos Malakov of Queens for really helping get the word out and showing the importance of this topic and what we're dealing with to the Queen's community. I also would like to thank Season supermarkets for being the corporate sponsor for this event and of course the staff of Ammudam, Rabbi Avi Feldman, Mikall Guer and the entire staff for really stepping up and helping to make sure that this event can go on. Unfortunately, we are living in times that are being plagued by unprecedented issues in Kai Israel or at least that weren't as publicized or as known about until recent years. Unfortunately, people get upset at me when I publicize certain things like the number of deaths we've suffered under the age of 35 in a counter that I started keeping track of as of Rashashana. An email that I sent out on Friday had that number at 65. Unfortunately, as of today, that number is 66. It is no longer possible to try to make believe that certain things that are killing our kids are not happening. Whether it's being victims of sexual abuse, whether it's suffering from addiction, whether it's mental illness, these are issues that we must confront and accept that this is a problem and it is our responsibility as part of Cly Israel to do something about it. The concept of saying it's not in my backyard no longer applies. I don't know any family that I know of that doesn't know someone either in their immediate family, extended family or neighbor that has suffered from one of these things. I don't know of any. And the idea of making it seem like this is not a problem and something that shouldn't be spoken about or when I'm being accused that I'm making a hashem when we talk about these issues just can no longer go on. So therefore we have made the decision to do what we can do both to provide the treatment the services the referrals the therapy to help people but just as important if not more important to work with professionals and Rabanim and Das Ty and bring awareness to these issues in a method that can actually affect change which is the reason why we're here today. So, I really want to thank those of you who took the time out to come. And I have to say this is the part of my job that I hate. I'm the first to admit it dealing with these issues, but I love the fact that we're helping people. So, without further ado, because nobody really came here to hear me speak, although you'll get it anyway, I'd like to ask who has been guiding us from the angles since uh pretty much our inception to please share some words with us. Thank you. It's me. [Music] We have Dr. Zimmerman here who really the message that he's going to be sharing with us is probably in practical terms more valuable. But I do feel I was asked to present a Torah perspective and I tried to give it as much as possible to some of the reasons that we continue to allow things that were eminently preventable to happen. And I'm trying to figure out what the Torah says about some of these situations. Most of the time when something that shouldn't happen happens, there was red flags out there to be noticed beforehand. And whether it's loving parents, eminently capable educators, and other people that should have noticed that something was a miss, it just passed over them or it passed by them. almost till it was too late. And if it would have the signal would have been noticed earlier on in the process, the prevention would have been such that whatever therapies would have been needed so much less complex and So much pain, much more painless, so much less pain both the victim and his family would have been subjected to. So why does this happen? People are not people are smart. A parent cares and why does one ch allow for a signal to go unnoticed and unheard. So I think basically there are two dynamics that come into play and Kazal speak about both of them and Mish elaborates and I just want to bring that out every not supposed to learn Gmorra. So we learned that we all come back every year to the Gmor and Giten the three theim the of Tormala the of tremendous that could have and should have been avoided and really little small episodes that could have been caught in the bud would have prevented them. And the Gomorrah begins with a PK. Praise be the person that is always fearful, apprehensive. boy, someone who's strengthens his resistance to fear and to apprehension will in the end fall into a bad situation. And the Gomorrah brings the famous Gmorra was a gentleman that sent his messenger to invite one his friend and instead he invited his enemy and when he saw that the enemy showed up, he wanted him to leave and humiliated him publicly and the rabbis there chose to let it pass and obviously for good reason at the time to avoid controversy to avoid making to avoid making. But the Gomorrah teaches us that what evolved was the destruction of Yallay and the destruction of the Bam Mikdash because one thing led to another thing and this person went to Rome and he had an inside with the rulers of Rome and the Bameikdash came out and Shalayan was destroyed. a little thing. It's true. It was practical to ignore, but that's without taking in the consequences, the broader picture. So the lack of and instead there's a mishap a wise man is fearful vis and he avoids bad situations and a fool is finds energies to surround himself with false bravado and he just it'll be fine, it'll be good. And that's a it's a human trait. We don't want to get into a complex situation. So one has those that inner mechanism that he could develop within himself to just it'll be fine. Like in Israel they say and those that know a little bit about some of the disappointing military engagements in Israeli history. some officer, some general, it'll be good. False optimism, optimism based on wishful thinking. So when a situation arises and a subtle signal, my child starts acting a little bit out of character. does cross my mind what could have happened and sometimes my radar picks up. Could it really be that what I noticed last week, whether it's a sibling or a relative or a guest, but whatever it is, admitting it, pursuing it, being vigilant about it is going to upset the apple cart in a very painful way. Following a lead could upset an apple cart, could make things complicated, could break relationships. It could arguably put a family into upheaval. The same thing in a school. Child comes home, blurts out something to my wife. What does that mean? And I have an assign. Let it ride. That's easy. It'll be good. It's probably nothing. It's probably my imagination. But if I do try to pick up the signal, I have to deal with the signal. Where do I start? Who do I call? Where do I blow a whistle? How do I blow a whistle? It's very complicated. And people make that decision time and time again to do what they think and feel at the moment is more expedient to just not notice the flag. We have that mechanism within us. We have the ability of a fool develops defenses against the we have we have the ability not to be not to pick up the signal and we make the mistakes sometimes and by the time we can't avoid the flag because it's not a red flag anymore. It's an full-fledged explosion. Sometimes it's very late in the game. You just certainly see the harshest of the consequences. There's so many different layers of consequences that don't necessarily end up that way. But it's misery. It's misery. It's a lifetime of misery. It's a lifetime of misery for generations. Some of these victims when they build their own homes sometimes that's not my job here to elaborate was a wise man who could foresee how a scenario plays out. I think inos is this coming shabas maybe had five great disciples was one of them and he was famous for being a was very god-fearing he had the mid and he's the one who says and moral says the their description of their character activist character traits and their mid that they preached were parallel to each other is only if you're a person that's a but if you have this tendency to be oblivious or you could create a facade of being oblivious you're not going to be a royal You're not going to foresee the scenario playing out. This is on the side that the clinician doesn't even see. When it gets to the clinician, it's past the inhibitions and after finally the whistle has been blown or the explosion has occurred. But building up to it is could be months and even years of self-imposed choosing to ignore, choosing to be oblivious, choosing to be ignorant. And this the consequences are brutal. So it's been bothering me the best parents of course if you'll blame it on dysfunction. So there are there is unfortunately a percentage of society that are unfortunately not highly functional. But this goes way beyond that. These problems could occur in the most functional families, in the best of schools, state-of-the-art classrooms. How is it that parents, you just said, what does one live for? How do we avoid I think the title of my presentation was the advocacy for our children Torah's perspective. How could we place temporary comfort or discomfort in the forefront of a psychology, a self-imposed psychology of ignoring, of being oblivious? How could that be? And it occurred to me that parents that are able to do the act of ms teachers, principles, assistant teachers, school psychologists, whoever it shouldn't be that are able to do the right thing. Risking relationships, risking breakup of family relationships, risking the animosity of children, the animosity of siblings, the animosity of parents, risking the loss of employment, and putting that aside and only single-mindedly looking out to be the protector of my child. If you look in the tells us, you saw what I did to I've carried you on the wings of an eagle. And Rashi says an eagle flies higher than all other birds. All other birds protect their children by carrying them down below them because the targets are above them. So they're in between the target the the danger and the child. So the child is below them. But the eagle flies higher than all other birds. He's not afraid of anything above him. Any danger that could come to an eagle is from man from an arrow. So the eagle keeps the the children on his wings. So if a if an arrow comes, it'll hit the eagle, not his children. Rashi says an amazing thing that the Israel is alluding to theam's conduct with Israel at the Yamsu where the Mit the Mitri was shooting arrows and bullets at the encamping of Cladio and the Anan took in those arrows. Of course, it's only it's not taking in arrows, but it's a lesson is the prototype of parenting is the relationship with mankind and is teaching us the aspect eration of parenting is the the arrow should hit me and my child should be protected. But if we need a being the role model for this and the chooses among from the birds he found of the same thing in the is like so obviously that's not an automatic thing. Being remiss in that is not something that a person should have embarrassment about. Yet in a time of crisis, in a time of tragedy, we have to re-evaluate what parenting is supposed to be. We can't go by what we're used to or what's norm the norm out there. We're not going to save our children. We're not going to save our youth by by parenting like parenting is we're accustomed to around the world today. We have to revisit the Torah to see the standard of what a parent should aspire to. One has to train himself and herself to a mentality to an instinctive ability of be what it is. I got to my child should be safe no matter what the cost is. No matter what the consequences are, my child must be safe. I'm not saying this as muser. I don't know if I aspire to that. But the Torah does set that as the gold standard of Jewish parenting. Jewish parenting is and I beg to say a Jewish teacher, a Jewish rebi, a Jewish moa, a Jewish man, a Jewish playgroup teacher, a Jewish kindergarten teacher. Jewish education is defined by a relationship of parent to child, child to parent, especially in a time where so many different situations arise where families don't provide. security like they used to provide a 100 years ago or so and so many times the school is the real truly base. It's a home away from home. So if we are aspiring to be parents in the sense of of we should aspire to be teachers and moras and rebies on all levels of nari. And if we do upgrade our parenting skills, that feeling of we will notice red flags. Then we're going to be the because our approach to will be one of wisdom. and we'll avoid the pitfalls of Makiba and we'll avoid the pit pitfalls of I know what I'm saying sounds a bit utopian but rais the alternative we've heard I don't believe anybody that came tonight is unaware to a large extent of the scope of this great plague of suffering that we're suffering. We should be thinking out of the box. Yes, I think my words are out of the box. The times arise where one has to think out of the out of the box. And in solutions that are out of the box have to be explored, pursued and we should have success. I give my braha to Amoudim to the leadership of Ammudim special to putting together tonight's program and should bless our endeavors with Thank you.