Enhance Purim: Practical Parenting + Safety Plans

Hi, it's so wonderful to be back again joined with Rabbi Yankee Harowitz, the founder and director of Bright Beginnings, who's also a master in the true sense of the word, someone who I personally have known for more than 20 years now. And we have Rabbi Avi Landanda who is a clinician as well as the director of education for Ammudim charge of our school-based preventative programmings as well as a a trailblazer in many other areas of topics of discussion within the from world specifically regarding around puberty and changing bodies and getting the Rabanim actually on board to agree to allow those topics to be discussed. and I am luck and we're here today to discuss some ideas and some concepts as we're gearing up to get ready for PUM. Now, I I do want to say that this is going to be a conversation. This is not scripted. I have no notes in front of me. This is going to be just open talking. But I do want to say that for years, I've always said I'm very against all of the anti-drinking PUM campaigns. Why? Because drinking is a problem every day of the year. And when we focus it on purim, we very often forget that these problems also exist elsewhere. So as a general rule, when it came to all these big campaigns, I would say it's not about this purim don't get carried away. It's any day don't. But at the same time, we have to use the opportunities whenever we can create better awareness to do so to help bring change. And I will say a very big thank you to the director of I don't even know what to call her, webmaster, web development, design. I don't even know how to describe her, but she's just been amazing, which is Tippy from Amuim, who helped us come up with this theme for this year of saying instead of it always being about the negative, let's talk about what people could do. Let's give people something exciting and some ideas, tips, and tools. and I must say it's been resonating amazingly well. So, we're getting a tremendous amount of positive feedback from people and it's something that we plan to go on. So, a big shout out guys to Tippy for what she did here. And uh with that, I would like to say this is why we're here. So, we are going to open up the floor and let's take it away. Rabbi Harowitz, let's start with you. >> Yeah, I love the idea of of of coming up with with positive ideas and positive initiatives. I remember you telling me to years and years ago, but drinking overall, not only a purum. Um, you had a great simple suggestion that I've been using ever since. Um, if I have enough time, I give attribution to you. But, uh, it's re it's really a great idea that about putting, you know, some shs. Rabbi Hashi Billet was one of the first 30 years ago in Young Israel of Woodmir to his great credit. Uh, he went, you know, totally dry. um got a lot of push back, but his leadership 30 years ago, you know, got it done. Um but your suggestion, see, was um to if you're having alcohol, put it on the head table. I thought it was so simple and practical. First of all, you see it stops kids from underage kids from taking and you get to see if someone is coming back keeps coming to the head table. It would probably make them self-conscious in the first place, even if nobody on the head table said anything. But it lets people just have an eye on things. That's just a simple positive way of, you know, most people don't like to be told what to do. All three of us barem here are quite headstrong. I don't think any of us would be thrilled if someone told us what to do, but positive tips and and angles that we haven't perhaps thought of really could be a tremendous contribution. >> It might not help for those sitting at the head table, >> but everybody's watching them. That's the good part. But people are watching them at least, right? If you're sitting in the corner, you know, nobody's looking and nobody's and nobody's watching the alcohol either. >> So, I I'll tell you the idea really came about when everybody started with all of these. we're gonna make a dry shul. And it sounded great, but then you found out that the house next door was extremely wet, overflowing. So you realize that you're just shoving the problem someplace else. So the solution, at least the way I thought of it, was do it in a way where like nobody should ever be pouring their own alcohol. You know, let's let's come up with the model of like now again between me and you, the real way to do this, and I say this to every shool, is to have it in a way where there's a mashkin. is a person who's ensuring not just for underage drinking, even adults, you know, just because someone's over 21 doesn't mean they can handle their alcohol, you know. So, you're giving somebody shot after shot and you got to be responsible. The problem that we continuously face, and this is something that I'd love to hear both from Rabbi Avianda and Rabbi Yakiitz, as a religion, we get this push back a lot. So much of our customs and cultures revolve around the kis the Arabic kais the four cups of wine for the starim by kdesh every shabas again not that it's an issue for everybody but we hear this a lot from people and again I would love to hear how do you answer that people go it's coming up to it's a mitzvah to get drunk again obviously we know what that really means but how do we deal with that >> yeah I would say a quick comment on that we we need to make sure that people understand that there are different ways to be makayam this mitzvah. There are definitely pathways especially for people who have any sort of concern surrounding drinking that there are ways to be maim the mitzvah. Again, speak to your your r to your rabbi in terms of the exact details and how to do that. But it definitely does not need to involve drinking more than a person is comfortable with and potentially not even drinking at all. But again, speak to your rabbi about it. But framing this around the positive that we want to try to infuse into the Yumptive into the wonderful holiday of Perm. One of the things that I think Sippy has been so masterfully putting out to people to read every so often revolves around having proactive conversations with the people around us. And I can't stress that enough in terms of how much more prepared we'll be when the umptive all of a sudden comes. Right? So, a woman having a conversation with her husband to the effect of, "Do you think you could sing a few more nice songs? I really love it when you're singing the songs with all the bakram that are there or the other men that are there. It really lifts my experience of Purim. It's going to be a much more difficult conversation to have after three or four cups of wine have been drank than a week before Purim." And the husband even feels like, wow, like I want to make this a special experience for my family, for my wife. And again, you're focusing on that positive instead of can you please not do x, y, and z. Now, that's also an important conversation to have depending on what hap what has happened in the past, but making sure to focus a lot on that positive. What can we do that will make it a much more enriching and enjoyable experience for everyone all around? >> Yeah. And and No, I I think I think it is great to have conversations beforehand and but I I want to talk about what you said about halahly I did a podcast a podcast it was a conference call probably 25 years ago I started doing these before Purum with Dr. Turski and Kameki you should have a he said clearly that it is absolutely forbidden for people to get roaring drunk I'm not talking about he said said, you know, between you shouldn't know about. He gave a few interpretations of how how what that could mean, but his overriding message was to get roaring drunk is absolutely forbidden. Now, there are people in leadership positions of Jewish life who do get drunk. You know, it would be foolish to say is the only only authority on this. But if you're looking for for guidance, there are lots of people, lots of gdollum sages who feel that overdrinking is certainly something that's that's absolutely wrong. >> So, and again, that's the answer that that we like to give people. And I always like to say, you know, everybody loves to pick and choose when it's good for them. And and that's just the nature of the beast. You know, I used to tease I think I told this Rabbi Harowitz many years ago. We're going to do instead of dial a head there, we're going to do a better system. You give us the answer you want and we'll give you the way to frame the question. And you know that's much more in depth. It can make a lot more money too. But the reality is Purum is supposed to be a real amazing you know happy time. And you know I could say this for myself. You know growing up and again it's a different generation and I say this with the utmost respect to my parents. May they live and be well at Maya Esim. But my father age-wise, I was the Benzakanim. You know, my my siblings are more than 20 years older than I am. My older siblings, uh my older brother's three years older than me. But growing up, PM was was PM. I got dressed up. I did my thing. But in my family now, it's a whole theme. Now, people used to be like, "Oh, it's crazy." Now, we don't go crazy on the theme. I'm not going bankrupt on the theme, but we pick something and we all get into it and we we do it together. So we make poem an exciting experience. It's a positive experience that like for example, you know, my daughter with the cricket and with the sublimation printers and if you guys don't know what that means, Google it cuz I just learned about it in the last week. >> Yeah. >> You know, making our own pictures and you got to mirror the image. But it's an exciting thing. It's something that we bring up to Purim as a family. And when you're deciding about making the Purim Suda, right? So how do we want to handle the Puram Suda? You know, I'm not going to lie. There are times years ago that I did get drunk on Pum and to a point that I I think my my older kids, I mean, now they're much older, but I think this was like 15 years ago or something, so it's a long time ago, but I think they still have some memories of that. And those are memories that I'll never take back. I can't. And they're not me in my best of lights. I didn't do anything crazy, but at the end of the day, I I look at myself now and say, would I ever want to be seen like that by my kids? What kind of lesson do I want to be for my children? So again, it's the same thing. So we make the suda more interesting, right? How do you make it more interesting? You decide what products you're going to have there. My wife makes this kala that's the shape of a hamage. You know, the kids all get into it. You try to do things. We invite friends over. We try to do things to make it that it's an enjoyable yumptiff for all of us. And if you look at some of the material that's been going out, I mean, again, you know, this is one of the concerns we have. People call us up after PURM, okay? Just because your husband got stoned drunk on PUM or your wife, as is the case in many situations, we keep referring to it as a male dominant thing. It's really not anymore at all. But it's like that doesn't make them an alcoholic, but it also means that they need better parenting skills if they're doing this in front of the kids. So like we have to look at this from a very different set of pictures. And I think if we look at the excitement of it, if we can all look at Purz, what can we do that our kids will remember this in 25 years? Which part will they remember? Will they remember that we all had these funny costumes and we all got dressed up and we did a theme? And I'm not talking about spending money you don't have. I'm talking about just enjoyable things to do it. And I think that's really a key where we can hone PUM back in and make it something that we can all enjoy. Yeah, I think that's fantastic. I think that uh you know we see that the pesak seder is all about keeping the kids interested and excited and uh I don't know if we can do a little drussa so the garumar says that there's a connection in the 30 days between pur and pes the same idea certainly should apply to pur and every yumpt and every shabas where we want to make sure that the kids are involved and they're interested and they're curious and they're having a great time and they're happy and we should be thinking to ourselves what's really going to make them happy and what's not. I do think it's important for us to recognize the reality that us three here are not going to change. many people in our circles having quite pretty significant levels of drunkenness going on at their permuda and that that's just why I keep coming back to in addition to everything else that's being said I think having these conversations beforehand about so like what is the plan again many people are not getting so drunk that they're completely out of their mind some people are but they will lose themselves to an extent and the more that certain seeds and ideas are planted within them now it could be the idea of don't drink so much or don't drink at all and if that works okay but for those who are still going to drink it's not like all hope is lost you can plant these very positive seeds of what do you envision going on at the psuda I keep coming back to singing because in my own experiences I've seen generally two different types of purudos when there's a lot of drinking going on one that involves a lot of singing and one that doesn't involve now the a lot of singing with drunk men I'm sure it could be the Same with women. I just haven't experienced that. It means that all the people who are normally off key and off tune and don't know how to sing and it will be quite painful on the ears are all going to be singing nice and loud and losing their inhibitions and all that. But that's that's something that I think a child can see. And what words are you singing? You're singing words of Gomorrah, words of the Torah. So that I think is a big piece to try to push in terms of if there's going to be drinking at Suda. >> You know, one of the things we used to I'm just giving you a a perspective of someone with a Medicare card. You know, I can look back on things and notice patterns and how our adult children talk now about things that we did at home. And you know, I I I didn't do it yet, but the last snowstorm, I I posted pictures with our children making snowmen and how they still talk about it now. They're our children are in their 40s and and they still look back at the things we did. And we had like, for example, in Kaneka, we did a couple of things that were a little bit different. We did for for Kaneka gel, we used to we used to accumulate like quarters and all kinds of coins and every every kid had a dip and as much as they were able to take out, they can't got to keep. And we put in some coins that we marked with a 10. That was a $10. They weren't a lot of look that were $10 coins and $5 coins. And they they would sit and it was so much excitement. Didn't didn't cost that much money, but it was just it was something. Another thing we did was we I would drop I would take a $50 or $100 bill and you know they would have to put their hands in the middle and I drop it and they would try to catch it. So, it was just a fun thing that everybody was involved in and they were yelling and screaming and and and in a nice way, of course, but everybody was all pumped up about it. They turned their hand over. They didn't you know, you you can build things into your family legacy, into your family memories of PUM. And that's what that's why it's so nice you're talking about our singing and other things. I think it's great. Our grandchildren have been working on their pumm costumes for quite some time that grandkids are calling Udie and asking them to send certain things or find things for them. So you know all of these things that's why it's better that we talk before PUM can really build culture in a way that the focus isn't only about the alcohol. >> Very well said. I think also we have obviously the other mitzvos of the day um Shalakmanos and Matanos Leavonim and Mikram McGillah you know we I think it's important for our children to see the level of reverence kashivos that we're giving to all of these mitzvah it's not just about the puramud in fact many places the permuda doesn't start till much later in the day to allow for time to do all of these mitzvos and then how do we do those what kind of excitement do we do those with um you know our children are watching and they're seeing you know if it's annoying for us to have to and it can be annoying at times depending on how many teachers there are but to go to all of the children's teachers and deliver everything all over town and it used to be used to be a huge skill there was always some guy who was an expert at maps to map out exactly how to drive the most efficient route to all the people now we just plug it all into Google Maps I think they could do it for you but we want we want to show our children that there's there's tremendous sima in all the different aspects of PURM and then the dressing up and like you said all the themes that we're getting involved in to make it exciting. So just kind of approaching it with that holistic thought on the entirety of the day. So I think is also important which a very important point as well is how do we give the proper guidance to the spouses to feel comfortable to say something to their spouse before pumm now I mean we're not you know at am you know we're not like one of those shal bias experts you know people call us up all the time my husband this my wife that okay you got to figure it out but like there are those spouses is that we know cuz they do call us even if we're not going to get involved that they want to say something to their loved one. They want to say something but they don't want to upset them, alienate them. You know, maybe that's like the house that everybody knows is the party. I don't want people to not show up now because of it. So, what could we tell those spouses? How can they bring up this topic to their loved ones in a healthy way where they can express their feelings and hopefully be able to come to a common commonality common ground of how they can enjoy their perm and fulfill it the right way. I guess I could start with a small piece. I'd love to hear where Harowitz uh has to say on this just one idea. It's really an idea that's universally applicable to anytime we give criticism to another person and certainly in a very close relationship between husband and wife. I think it's important to make sure to find and it has to be sincere and genuine but to find a positive. So let's say you feel again I'm just going to talk from this perspective. Let's say the wife feels that the husband drinks too much on purim. there there hopefully are aspects and elements of PUM that she appreciates and are positive to her about her husband's decision-making and engagement with the with the day and with the family. I think it's really important to prepare in your mind like these these are important and sensitive conversations. They're not meant to be had just off the cuff. So prepare in your mind what are the things that I'm going to say? What are how am I going to approach this conversation? And one idea is to begin with a compliment. You know, I I'm just thinking about PUM coming up and I'm remembering the last few years. I'll just uh sound like a broken record here. Pun intended. You sang so beautifully at the Suda or you know, I I love how you're you know, you take the initiative with the driving around giving out the Mishmanos. I love how you say Torah. always make sure you know say a couple of compliments that you genuinely appreciate before then transitioning into I was thinking a little bit about the drinking like could we discuss that a little bit and approach it with a respectfulness and wanting to engage in conversation avoiding accusations certainly accusations of character where it's you are you know not not a not a good person on you know something like that but more talking about the behaviors so it's starting with a compliment and then easing into the conversation really focusing on the behaviors and not the character of the person. Horowits, please. I'd love to hear. >> Yeah. And I think it it it's also we could expand it outside of PURM and say like, you know, the kids look up to you so much and you you're really a great role model to them, but think of what their takeaways from PUM would look like. Do you remember walking into a room and watching somebody else who was really, you know, toasted? And and what did you think about when you saw that? Like you said, you need, of course, we need timing is everything. Timing is everything. you're if you're cranky, if you're in the middle of an art, don't don't certainly don't pile it on to something else that you're saying, you know, that that quite to the contrary, find a quiet time and think of a way to do that. And it also may be generally talking about what alcohol is doing to what negative effects can be. We all know how gateway drugs work that pe people start small and then they just continue to to they continue to get sucked into the addiction. I'm sure virtually all people listening to this know someone who drinks too much. It just has a really negative effect especially within families. So that might be another point to bring up. The biggest problem is that everybody always says that they that I can handle it. Don't worry about it. I got it. I'm in control of this. Um, it it is it is difficult. It really is difficult. >> You know, I say that and I say this not in not in light, but it is in light, which is, you know, the old expression, what happens in Vegas now stays on YouTube. So that's the same. >> I didn't hear that one. It's me. Thank you. That's good. What's Vegas, by the way, what's Vegas? >> Vegas is a place that the Yidd made up in the desert. They they've got they were wandering for 40 years and they ended up finding some some shekel and they made it into a full shekel by putting it into a machine or something. I don't know. Episian sounds like >> Yeah, it is. But, you know, that was my expression a few years ago. Truth is, a lot of people forget that nothing escapes social media today either. So, let's not forget like when people act and say and do things, all it is is that one video clip on Twitter X uh I don't even know all the names. I'm going to sound stupid. Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, Tik Tok. What am I missing? X. >> Good. You're good. >> I'm good. Okay. I'm sure there's more. But >> whatever it is is that people have to remember, you know, now another thing I want to just bring up on a safety component, which is again, everybody has to do what they feel more comfortable with within their own parameters and their own families. But just keep that in mind when you post pictures of your minor children. I just always like to recommend that. I'm I'm not going to say that I've never posted pictures of my kids. I'm not going to say that I do it all the time. I just each person has to keep in mind for themselves the pictures that they post of their own families context of what they're displaying, what message they're giving out, just and that's something also for all year round. But when it comes to PU and people get a lot more loose and they're just snapping pictures and posting it much faster. So we want to keep that in mind. But now let's say we get into this discussion and the wife and I'm I'm going to let's play this out. You know, if we'd have somebody else on, we can do like a role play, but let's make believe. I'm I'm the wife in this case. Rabbi Harowitz, you're the husband. That's it. Enough already. You know, your friends, they come over, they drink, the kids see this. It's disgusting. I can't believe this. If if you don't do something about it, I'm not hosting Pum this year. >> That might not go over that well. >> Okay. So, respond. No, let's >> I should respond. I agree. I agree. I won't. That's what I want to hear. >> Right. It's not that bad. Come on. You're overdoing it. I get a little happy. People see me. But, you know, everybody knows that I have a good sense of humor and and they like when I get a little loose. >> Now, Avi, you be that husband that's a little bit more forceful, not as polite as Yankee with that same statement. >> Whining. Stop whining. You don't know what you're talking about. Everybody loves the way that I act. I get tons of positive feedback afterwards. I don't even know. You don't know what you're talking about. You know, Avi, I really enjoy the way your parents come over and your siblings come over and the suda is really beautiful and it's really nice and the singing and everything that you do. It's just it really brings out the happiness and the kids love it and I'm happy that you invite over the guys from the shoo to come for dessert and afterwards. But you think maybe you know those two guys from the shul they come. I think sometimes they they get a little bit loud. You think maybe we can have a discussion about how to speak to them so that they don't you know act that way in front of the in-laws, the parents, the kids. You know what do you think? You think we can discuss this? Yeah, I would like to discuss it with you. Thank you. I mean, I can I can still play hard ball with you if you want, but that's obviously a much much better way to approach the conversation. And and here's an important point. If if the reaction to what you just said is still, "Oh, come on. We don't need to discuss this. It's fine." And all that, you can say, "Okay, it's just something on my mind. I want to I want to think more about it." I I give this advice to parents. It's true in any interpersonal relationship. You don't have to resolve everything in one conversation. You planted a seed. You started the conversation and then you move to all right, let me think more. Let me think more about what you said. And if you come back to it a day or two later and you say, you know, I'm still thinking about it. I'm still I would really appreciate if we could just have a conversation about this, you may find a totally different response at that point. Is that what the Kazal says? It's ado yada or adelo argue. Is that the difference in the discussion? sometimes they they get translated differently. So, you know, since we're trying to talk about practical advice here, I think we're going to start this one with Rabbi Harowitz and then we'll ask Rabbi Lander to answer as well. We know that kids very often teenagers, you know, they'll they'll want to drink. They're going to drink even if we tell them not to. We're not stupid. We know that our goal is to educate and to plant seeds, but people will do it. So, let's start with the Harowitz. What do we do if someone's kid does go out and get drunk or will be getting drunk or we're scared they might like what could we do to discuss it, prevent it or deal with it? What do you recommend in that situation? >> Right. So, in addition to the standard thing that we tell our children that they shouldn't be drinking and and it's it's harmful to them and it's not it's not a good practice, the fact of the matter is the peer pressure is tremendous. And I think we we're very well served if we offer our children an off-ramp to to you know have uh I was driving in Aspen. I remember seeing it for the first time that they have these runaway truck exits like lanes if the trucks they burn their brakes out. So I often tell this to parents of anything. I think all year round it's a great thing to to get into your children's psyche that they can call you if they're in trouble and tell you anything and that we have to tell them that and we have to act in a certain way when they do tell us things, but to give them a way out. If if your child didn't listen to your rules and they and and they're drunk at a party, at a perm party, if they can't come home, they it's so much more dangerous for them. They're going to drive home with somebody that's drunk or they're going to really get into trouble or sleep on somebody's lawn for three hours till they get sober enough to come home. So, give them an out. Give them a way out to come talk to you about things. It's the same thing really. You know, we have this with other areas of parenting. Even though it sounds to many parents like you're saying, well, here are my rules, but if you choose not to listen, you know. So, I tell parents, tell your kids that your life is more important than our rules. That's your par your life is more important than our rules. We have these rules. We don't want you to violate them. But if you do, your safety will always come first. We'll talk about in it later. Um doesn't mean that we won't change your things because of that or discipline you. But we're not going to we're not going to yell at you when we come pick you up. All we're going to say is I'm glad you're safe and that's it. you have time to talk about it 3 days from then, a week from then, but the immediate reaction should be have them get away out of this so they can get home safely. I think that's fantastic. And I would add to that even taking it to the next level. I would tell the child actually if you make a mistake, which I we hope you don't, but if you do and you go against the rules that we're setting for you, if you come and you call us up right away and tell us, we are proud of you. The way we're going to respond to that is we are proud of you for reaching out and contacting us cuz that's not easy. It's not easy to pick up the phone or find us and tell us when you might be embarrassed or you might be wor and you did it anyway, which is the most important rule, right? It's one of the rules. If you break the rules, immediately reach out to us, especially in this in this idea, this genre of rules where there's a danger involved like you like you said and you you um outlined, tell us, call us. And the first thing you're going to hear from us, and then the parents have to make sure to follow through with this. The first thing you're going to hear from us is we're so proud of you that you called us to tell us and now we're going to come get you. And just specifically on the drinking and driving, whenever I do presentations to students and Bakram and yeshivas, I always put the manal or the rebby on the spot. And I say, and if you're ever in a situation where there's a car and you're concerned that it may be driven by someone who had some something to drink, call the rebby, call the manal, call your parents, but even the rebby or they will pay for the Uber. They will come pick you up and obviously don't have to be stressed. >> Yeah. You know, I I I think there's something else that's also part of it is that to try to plan with your children to have a strategy. Tell them in the first place if you're feeling uncomfortable. If somebody who's drunk is acting inappropriately to you, please let us know. I actually asked, this is a story with one of our own daughters. She gave me permission to use a name. I won't. I'll just say one of our daughters. It was a fascinating situation. One of her friends in her class was Mangapuram party and I knew from previous years hearing from the kids that there's a lot of crazy stuff going on there. The parents were a little you know not doing what they should have been doing and and it was a pretty wild scene. So I I told told our daughter that one of the friends has to somebody has to be there represent you know from her peer group of six seven friends. I said one of parents should be close by in case you know to keep an eye and to supervise. I said I didn't want to do it because because of my role in the community like me going to a PUM party is like like if the Malam is like you know it would be a downer that I was there but I said text me text me now just text now and that'll I'll come right over. So the concept is called scaffolding. That's the term. Like they do construction on a building. There's scaffolding all around it. Well, so people could work and they don't they don't get hurt when they fall. So think of it in those terms. What are you doing? How can your child get out of a situation in a comfortable way? So anyway, a few of the kids got really drunk there and our daughter text me now with like five exclamation points. I drove right over. I didn't say a word. Parents, it's the hardest thing in the world. I didn't say a word. the home. I'm glad you're safe, sweetheart. And when I came home, I didn't I didn't get into sweats and go to sleep because I I knew sooner or later she would want to talk. She went up to her room. She was really shaking. One of the guys started getting handsy with some of the girls. It was it wasn't wasn't a pleasant situation. Anyway, she came down a few hours later and she said, "Why did you let me go there?" That's what she asked me. Like, why'd you let me if you thought it was going to? So I said, you know, part of being responsible is knowing to walk away. And you did a great job doing it. And I said, if I would have said don't go at all, you would have said, my parents, all they live for is to keep me away from things that I enjoy. So I said, what do you learn now? Look how much you learned tonight. You learned about the need to get out, about having a plan, and that you don't belong everywhere. You know, I think overall that's one in the win column. That's fantastic. >> You know, I think one of the things that I like to bring up and we come about it in the positive way is um you know, I I I put together these uh different lines for parents and for kids. I'm testing it out now for the first time. So, if it's not good, you have to let me know. But the first rule to the parents are, "Thou shalt remember, you are the demo version. Your kids will follow what you do. You're the trailer. Thou shalt not call it stress relief in front of thy teen. >> You mean drinking? You're saying >> this is my asaras equivalent of drinking for parents. I'm sorry I didn't preface it the right way. >> Uhhuh. >> Thou shalt know thy spouse's eye signal. Now that I think is one of the most important ones. When the eyebrow goes up, the cup goes down. Or whatever system you have. Okay. Thou shalt not say it's only once a year. So is a Super Bowl, but people still plan responsibly. Thou shalt remember volume is not joy. If the neighbors are concerned, you might not be doing such a mitzvah. Maybe you are. This is the one that I think Avi loves the most. Thou shalt coordinate beforehand. Obviously, if parents are doing things, they should make sure that responsibly they're going to, you know, as parents be able to parent together. And thou shalt protect thy marriage from postp amnesia. Did I really do that? It couldn't be. And thou shalt aim for a kdesh hashem, not a kdish hangover. So, those are my my my 10 notes, but then I did one for the kids as well. Okay, now this is I am proudly the parent of three teenage children right now. Thou shalt remember everybody's doing it is not data. It's usually three boys on a group chat. Thou shalt not confuse confidence with immunity. Good kid is not a vaccine. Thou shalt define responsible before purim, not after. Thou shalt remember that supervision is not lack of trust. Now this is something that we speak about all year. It's not just for PUM. But a lot of parents, they think that we have to give our kids all the leeway they want. Thou shalt not be shocked when thy teenager says the word relax. This is the official anthem of the adolescent youth. Thou shalt know that silence is not safety. If they're not talking about it, that doesn't mean it's not happening. Thou shalt prepare for the morning after because the real mitzvah is for all of us to wake up healthy. And the last but not least, thou shalt remember the goal is joy, not damage control. Purim should end with memories, not apologies. So these are just, you know, my own >> lines. I put it together. I figured, you know, I'll debut it now in my next career. But I say this is really very important is that you know I've spoken about this years ago and I've said when I go into schools for example I've spoken I said I don't think no one in this school is not going to do the actions I'm discussing because I was here today and spoke to them. I'm not I'm not an idiot. I'm not a fool. I know the truth. However, if even one person can get one seed planted that can help one person make a healthier decision, make a better decision at the end of the day. Yes, this is about safety. It's also about maintaining shalom and bias. It's also about healthy parenting, healthy decision- making. It's really all around about being what I like to term a mench. And that's really what it is is that yes, things become difficult and we're not we understand what happens. Kids have peer pressure. We know it. Parents sometimes have to compete with their neighbors for the parties and who throws a bigger party. Again, right, wrong or indifferent, we know it's going to happen. All we're saying is to be as responsible and as safe as possible. Feel free to reach out if there's any help that is needed. And I will tell you guys on the Ammudum website, ammud.org, and you can find a lot of these discussion tips. We moved it to the homepage so that people should be able to go to the website and download talking points and things of that nature. And with that, I'd like to ask Rabbi Landa and then Rabbi Harowitz to give us some final words. Rabbi Landa. >> Sure. Thank you. Thank you for those Sarah dibbros. Those were great. I guess I would just say that one of the things you mentioned before just stood out to me. Um, Rabbi Harowitz, you know, if what's happening due to the drinking on Purim is literally the antithesis of Purim, you know, Kabala accepting the the wonderful connection to Hashem that we have. So you know boundary crossings if there's a an environment where men and women or men and men or women and women if there's boundary crossings happening at a purum suda at a purm party I mean that's literally using the even for a person who's going to drink and the alcohol is there to try to enhance the sima you know again in moderation responsibly and instead it's actually creating such sadness for Hashem to watch that that this is the environment that's being created due to the alcohol. It's it's it's exactly the opposite of what we want to try to create. So, to end off on a positive though, I would say that like we referenced a few times already, preparing and having these conversations beforehand in as positive of a way as possible, planting seeds, not needing to have the whole conversation in one shot. And definitely to check out the resources that Amudum has put out there. are fantastic guides specifically to have these types of conversation with a spouse with children and the more that we prepare the more we talk about it the more that Hashem it's going to be a wonderful sim so with that I want to say thank you both as always for all of your work on behalf of the clal and for doing what you can to help make this world a better place and again I encourage people to go to our website download the the tools the tips the ideas the talking points if you feel there's anything you want to add to it. You can comment, let us know as well. We're not scared to uh take feedback. We actually appreciate it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And I want to end off by saying that I would like to read a quote. Hold on. I got to pull it up on my phone cuz I think this is when you know that you've made it right, Rabbi Harowitz. >> You got it, sweetie. You know when you get people's attention, you're doing something right. >> So, this is not about this topic, but it's the same concept. So, you'll hear how it leads into it. Somebody posted this on their status. I don't know who. I agree. Gambling has ruled the sport and the camaraderie and it's the modern-day opioid. But now the anti-gambling is like ammud trying to cancel PUM. If you want to gamble, enjoy. If you had a bad experience gambling since you bet on the Jets, no need to go militant on the gamblers. So, first of all, that's a great shout out. But I do want to use that as a way to say to everybody, Amudam is not trying to cancel Perm. We're trying to enhance PURM. We're trying to make sure that PUM is a YTIF that is enjoyable, that families can speak about for years. Children will remember what they had in their home. We will be bringing great memories and doing things in a way that will not embarrass ourselves, our spouses, our communities, our loved ones. And with this, we should all go into it in a healthy way. And remember my rule, and I know we're not posting it, but I'm saying it anyway. If somebody says no to aim, do not offer them a second one. Period. End of story. >> See, I'm actually glad that you brought it up. >> I I couldn't not. It >> It's an important topic and although it's not the main focus of our discussion, people should know that so many individuals in our community and anywhere in the world are struggling with addiction and they may be in recovery. They maybe have been clean for years and they have grown children at home, parents, grandparents, siblings, spouses who are terrified that they're going to fall off the wagon, god forbid, and get right back into the terrible hole they were in when they were addicted to alcohol. So when people see others in their peer group and say, "Ah, come on over. Have a drink. What's the matter? Is something wrong with you?" You know, what's that really could break someone's will when it could have taken years, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and sleepless nights for everyone around this person. Trust me, none of us want to be in that position where we, God forbid, can harm somebody's sobriety. It's just such a terrible thing to even contemplate. So, let's be mindful. Let's enjoy ourselves, but please see to it that you don't apply alcohol on people or encourage other people to drink. You never ever ever know what someone else is dealing with. >> Yep. So on that note, I'd love to wish you all a fre and we should be speaking for good things and happy things and again thank you very very much for joining us for this and we look forward to speaking on more important topics not more important other important topics in the future and seeing how what we can do going further. >> Thanks so much for having me Ravi Rabavi always a pleasure glad to do it anytime. >> Thank you. >> Thank you all.