Camp Safety & Boundaries: A Training by Rabbi Avi Landa

Okay. Hello everyone. My name is Avi Landanda. I am a licensed counselor in Baltimore, Maryland. I have a private practice there. I also work in TA in Baltimore with the guys there. And I am here in my capacity as director of education for Ammudim. How many people here ever heard of the organization Amuim? Ammudim. Anybody? Okay. One, two. It's a good organization to be aware of. Amuim.org. They are a great resource for all things mental health, safety, trauma, abuse. They really have a lot of professionals on call that can help. Take a look at their website, amoudim.org. If anyone wants to get in touch with me personally, you can also. I have my two business cards here. You can take a picture of those if you'd like. Okay. For today, we're going to talk about some basic rules and safety guidelines when it comes to camp, when it comes to being a counselor. How many people here first time ever being a counselor? Nice. Okay. Nice amount. So, I want to start really with the positive. I want to start with something that maybe even those who have been a counselor already haven't realized. And that is that being a counselor means being an adult in a kid's life. It doesn't mean, listen carefully, it doesn't mean just being an older kid in a kid's life. It means you're in a position of responsibility and authority. It means that the kid initially is going to look at you like an adult. Now I don't know if you have prior experiences with these kids and maybe those will make this difficult but that's how it will begin if you work hard to change that and initially you're acting very often silly and irresponsibly kind of saying things behind the head staff's back and stuff like that. It's okay you could do this break the rule. then they'll start to relate to you as a big kid and they're the little kid. And that's exactly what you don't want to do for many reasons. There are negative reasons. You don't want to do that because you can create negativity. You can do harm. But maybe the most important reason is that you're actually losing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. Will some of you go on to be teachers and principals and people involved in schools like the other adults in kids' lives? Maybe. But many of you won't. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, right? You go off and become a doctor or a businessman or a lawyer later in life and you remember, I had those years when I was a counselor. What's so special about that? That you were one of the caring adults in that child's life. And you may think, okay, like for a month or two, does that really make such a big difference? Let me tell you a story. There was a rebby there in Baltimore years and years ago. He told over the following story. A guy came over to him. He didn't really recognize him. And he said, "You don't remember me, but years ago you were my rebi. This is my name." He's like, "Wow, I didn't recognize you. I remember your name. Of course, I remember you. I don't recognize. It's amazing. Thank you for coming back to say hi. He said, I'm here to say more than hi. You saved my life. Saved your life? How did I save your life? He said, Years ago, about two years before that, I was in a really deep, dark place. I was contemplating committing suicide. And I was in my bedroom which is common amongst people who really contemplate this. It's very sad. Lo it should not happen to anyone that of us or anyone that we know. And I was looking around my bedroom one last time before I would just end it all. That's a common thing that people in that situation do. They visit a couple of famous place um familiar places. They look around their familiar spots like their room and I noticed on top of my dresser a bunch of cards standing up on top of the dresser. Said, "Rebby, you know what those cards are." And the Rebby said, "Wow, of course I know what happened." Since that kid was a young child in that Reby's class, the Rebi took note that this child seemed to be struggling with something and decided, I'm going to mail this kid a birthday card. Gets it in the mail. Parents open it up, kid opens it up, happy birthday, little braha. That's it. And he set a reminder for himself to do it next year, too. And he did it the following year and the following year after that. And he kept doing it. It's a small, cheap, not so time consuming. And the kid saved all those cards on top of that dresser. Those birthday cards saved that kid's life, and he was able to live and talk about it. Tiny little elements like that of positivity. Don't lose and miss out on this opportunity. A little extra smile. You're like, who am I? I'm just a kid. I'm a teenager. You know, it's funny with teenagers. When there's responsibilities, I'm just a kid. But when there's privileges to be able to drive and stay out all night, I'm an adult. Try being an adult consistently. Try it out. Especially during the time that you're put into a position of authority where you're the one who's supposed to be taking care of this kid. This is not a time for you to have fun. Of course, you should have fun, but that's not the purpose. It's to take care of these kids and merits Hashem and it'll be through a very fun time with your friends. You'll have a great experience. But first and foremost, you're here to take care of the kids. And that means more than just don't hurt them and make sure they don't kill themselves. It means smile. Oh, there's kids bullying. We'll talk about that a little bit. How do you help a kid when one kid's bullying another? Oh, there's a kid who feels left out. There's a kid who's just sad for other reasons. What's a good way of just kind of having a conversation with that kid? And then of course we'll talk about the boundaries. What do we do to make sure that we as counselors are not crossing any boundaries with our campers? And we as coun counselors are the front line of defense, the eyes and ears for the head staff to see if there are inappropriate things happening amongst the campers. Okay. So let's start with that. The general rule is when in doubt, report to your head staff for two reasons. Number one, the head staff might have information that you don't. Maybe they were hesitant to take this kid into camp in the first place and they have they know certain things. Maybe they got a report from another counselor who observed something or from another head staff who observed something and now you come with your report. So all of a sudden that head staff realizes, okay, there's something that needs to be addressed here. You may never find out, but you did your job to report it. What's a report? It's nothing so fancy or official. You just go over to the head staff and say, "Hey, I observed this. Think everything's fine? Anything you want me to do about it? You want me to intervene or not?" No. Okay, great. Less than a minute conversation. Always better to over report than under reportport. Number two, not only is it good for the camp and for the head staff, it's good for you. Because unfortunately, there are times, and I've been involved in these cases, it's extremely sad. It's rare. So, you don't have to worry about it. But don't put yourself in a position to be subject potentially to it, where the counselor falls under suspicion, where it's the counselor who people are saying like, "Wait, he did that or he is that okay?" If you're a counselor who's often reporting to the head staff, then you're totally not under suspicion. Then you're somebody who looks like you're trying to be as open as possible. I get a cup of water. So that's another thing that we want to keep in mind when it comes to reporting to the head staff. Always air on the side of caution. That means speak to the head staff. You notice something weird. You notice something strange? You were in a situation that felt a little weird with a camper. Go to the head staff. The suspicious person doesn't do that. They're trying to do bad things. So you say, "Yeah, but I'm not trying to do Yeah. So make yourself look more and more like that person." Just a word of advice. Always over report. It's never going to be a problem to the head staff like, "Oh, you're taking too much of my time giving me all this information." Worst case, it's a less than one minute conversation. and they say, "Thank you. That's nothing. I don't need to worry about that." Great. Good. No harm done. Okay. What if we notice the kids acting in ways in which are crossing boundaries? So, what does that mean to cross a boundary? So, that could mean touching obviously touching in private parts. That's total boundary crossing. It could mean acting in certain ways. If there's getting undressed or undressed for swim, certain types of motions and then even words that become highly inappropriate. You want to notice them and report them to the head staff. What about in the moment? Do you stop it or do you just ignore it? What do you guys think? Thank you so much. How many people say ignore it? Because there is logic to ignoring it. Sometimes you pay attention to these things and the kids like the attention and they do it more. So while there is logic to ignoring it, really the best thing is to definitely report it to the head staff because that's not even getting giving the kid any attention. But when it comes to trying to stop it, it really sometimes you have no choice. You have to just immediately say stop. But sometimes something happens and it's kind of over. They said it and they're on to the next thing. So for you to come to the bunk or the group and be like hold on, stop this conversation about sports right now, let's go back to what you were talking about before that was inappropriate and let's understand how you can't say that. Right? That's not a good idea. What would be a good idea is even an hour later, let's assume it's over already. Even an hour later, even the next day, look for an opportunity where there's no group really right next to each other. You don't have to be alone in a room. You're 10 feet away with this guy. Hey, I want to talk to you for one second. One-on-one, no audience. Again, you're not alone. We're going to talk about not being alone with your campers. There's just nobody an earshot. And you quietly say like what you were talking about yesterday, it's not okay. Can't happen. It can't happen in camp. What you were doing with that kid or the motions that you were making, it's not okay. You have to stop what you're doing. We can't see that or hear that happening. And if you do it that way, first of all, it's not embarrassing to the kid because you're doing it oneon-one, right? Like let's say someone's phone rang in the middle of my presentation and I called him out in front of everyone. That would be embarrassing. But maybe after the presentation he's walking behind and I go over to him quietly and say, "Hey, try to be more careful with your phone next time before you start a presentation." Okay. So, so we just want to be conscious of that. We are there to be the adult in the group, not just the the older kid also looking to have fun. And hey, if he's doing something inappropriate, it's not bothering me, so what do I care? Why do I have to get involved? That's what you're there for, to get involved. Just do it in the smart way. Not where you redirect everyone back to the inappropriate thing, but rather where you're coming to be able to do it in a way in which is not embarrassing, that doesn't call that person out at all. you're doing it in a way in which they're much more comfortable with it and you don't call attention back to it. So these are the types of things we want to be thinking about. All sorts of different types of things can happen in terms of action, in terms of speech that we want to be careful with and we want to recognize and give over always to the head staff in terms of airing on the side of caution. And what about us? We, the counselors, do not want to ever be in a car by ourselves with a camper. We do not want to ever be in a room alone with a camper. But what if I have to? What if my bag is in there and the camper is getting his stuff together and it would be just me and him? Believe it or not, air on the side of caution and just bring at your age campers. Now, some of you are first graders. It's a little young, but it's better. It's still okay. It's just on the border. It's not like the three to five year olds division, but certainly if it's middle school aged and older ages, just tell another kid, "Hey, follow me for a second." So, it's you and two campers. That is totally different than you and one camper. You and two campers. Certainly, you and another staff member, another counselor and a camper is the best. Maybe that's not available to you. Okay? So, even in a car driving somewhere, what it's broad daylight, it just it's not about I'm worried or the camp is worried you're going to do something. We're assuming no one here is ever going to do anything. First and foremost, it's because it protects you. You again don't look suspicious. You are doing the things that make it look like you're a safe person. You don't look no one can read your mind. So, you want to try to act in those ways as much as possible. Okay. So, what if a kid is kind of horsing around with you a little bit? Maybe he's inviting you to wrestle him. What do you say? Wrestle or don't wrestle? Raise your hand if you say don't wrestle. So, you say wrestle? What? Oh, I didn't see your hand. There's a trick also. Sometimes the guys who don't want to participate so much, you make them say don't and then you can find the ones that really meant to raise their hand. Just using just practicing some psychological skills. Well, don't wrestle, right? Yes. Why not? What do you think the problem is? Okay, simple problem. You'll have issues with the parents. The parents do not want you wrestling with their kids. What if it's a parent who says, "Yeah, go ahead. No problem." Then you go for it. Oh, I thought you said, "Then kill him." Then go for it. Okay. So, right. The parents could have a major issue with it. You could end up hurting the kid. Absolutely. Excellent. So, we don't want to get physical with the kids. That's really important. What if they're starting to get physical with us? What do we do? What if they're pushing the counselor? What? Bring them to the head staff. Yeah. What? Bring them to the head staff. Yeah. What if they're giving you a hard time? Right. So, sometimes the best thing is to just back off. believe it or not, even just run away from the kid because you're almost in a catch 22 situation. It's like a fire. If you turn around and rightfully so crack that kid in the face, who's going to be in trouble? Yeah, the kid started it. You're going to be in trouble. Tremendous trouble. Even if he's just pushing you and you push him back like to get him off of you, you're probably going to get in trouble with that and it's going to be a bad look. So there's a certain there's a Mishna that actually says that little kids piggy that means encountering them is bad. The Mishna is saying because if they destroy stuff since they're under the age of being a they're not to pay for it. So they just destroy all your stuff and you lose. So, it's like stay away from little kids. But seriously, in your case, you really want to make sure that if it ever you know, you don't want to stay away. You want to be there. You want to be there for positivity. Like we said before, compliments, smiles, you're doing a great job. Let me help include you in the game. You want to be doing that all the time. But if it starts to turn negative, they're pushing or anything like that, you back away. And if necessary, run away. And you make sure to go get that head staff. you if there's a security guard, you can get the security guard. They're the ones appointed to get physical with someone if necessary. But I could handle it myself. It's so easy. It's for your own safety and for the safety of everyone else. So that's when it comes to kind of interacting with the kids, not being alone with them. Obviously, even between counselors, right? This happens. What about between counselors? Two counselors are having a good time with each other, wrestling each other. Headlock, rolling around on the ground. Not a good look. It's not a good look for the camp. It's not a good look for the kids. If the kids were doing that with each other, we'd be like, "Break it up." We should say, "Break it up." Any sort of aggression, but now we're doing it in front of them. So, we want to be mindful. How do I look to the kids? I'm like that authority figure, like that role model. Do the kids hear me whispering inappropriate stuff when I pass by my friend or making a motion that's inappropriate? That's terrible. That's exactly the opposite of what you should try to be doing here to impart positive messages to the kids. Not negative, not inappropriate. So, we really have to change this mindset at the very least for when we're in camp in that role in that position. You might do it differently when you're at a camp. Should try not to. These are all good things anyway. But at the very least, when you're in that role, in that position, what if a kid comes to you and he complains, "So- and so is bullying me." How do you help? So, let's understand what bullying mean excluding me. He's calling me names. All the different types. So, what's at the root of all bullying? Anybody know? Why does a person ever bully someone? Jealousy. It can be jealous. Insecurity is a little bit more broad. Yeah. It's a search, a desperate search for a sense of power which makes me feel secure, makes me not jealous. Right? If I can say or do something that gets the other person to react in a way in which they even go and tell on me, I got negative attention. Look at the power I have with my words or with my actions. Sometimes it's physical. I can make that person cry. I can make that person run and go and tell on me. But you're getting in trouble. But I feel powerful. I feel great. I feel powerful. And obviously, it's coming from a very unhealthy place. They should feel secure and good about themselves without having the need to hurt others, to step on someone else to raise myself up. So unhealthy. And that person needs help. But knowing that what's the best way to react to the bully if it's a search for power and for reaction? So be what? Yeah. A great word is indifferent. Indifferent is not Oh, is someone talking to me over there? No, I don't hear anyone talking. That's not indifference. That's very obviously I hear the person talking and I'm trying to tell him to stop or whatever you want to be giving over the message that okay say all that you want whatever kids calling you a name okay thank you I don't really care like I'll keep saying it okay keep saying it but what if it really bothers me on the inside sometimes you have to act and this is what you'd be telling the kid and I'm giving you now the speech to give your camper as a good counselor. The kid says, "But he's going to keep calling me that name." If I just say, "Fine, call me that name, whatever." It doesn't bother me at all. No reaction. He's going to keep doing it. So, you tell the kid that might happen. Oftenimes that does happen. If you keep it up and you act, you really act like it doesn't bother you, eventually it will stop. Usually after a few days, because they're getting zero power out of the bullying. they've you've become a total non-source of power for them because you don't care at all. It's a great tip to give your kids if they say, "But how do I act like that?" So, a little tip I like to give the kids, do you know of a baby? Any baby, it could be a younger sibling, could be a niece or nephew, could be a neighbor. Can all of you right now picture in your mind the face of a little baby somewhere between zero and 12 months? Let's say a baby face. Got it in your head? Yeah. Not one of those dumb AI things. A real baby, right? Is that where you were going? A real baby face in your head. Okay. Now, imagine you tell the kid the bully and imagine the bully's body swap his head off and put the baby's head on top. And picture that scene. Hopefully, it should be kind of weird and funny to you. That's the image you should recall when that guy comes back and calls you that silly name or tries to push you a little bit. Obviously, by the way, if the bullying is tackling and pinning him down and you have to get head staff involved right away, talking about mostly lighter type bullying, but still can be extremely hurtful. So, you want to make sure that you can picture that and you'll be able to stay calm and pretend like you're indifferent to it and it takes all the power away from the bully. It's a great piece of advice to give your campers if they ever come to you and they're complaining about these types of things. If it doesn't work, again, you always go to the head staff, make sure they're aware of it to stop whatever is happening. Okay? I don't want to go too long. So I will just end off with one important topic and I'll if you guys have any questions you can feel free to ask questions. What about if we are suspicious that the kid is either hurting himself, what we call self-injurious behavior like cutting, or if we are suspicious that the kid is suicidal. You can have a kid come and talk to you because again you're the adult and maybe they don't have such great adults in their lives and all of a sudden they see you as a cool nice guy to talk to and they start opening up. I'm so sad. Could be about abuse happening to them. Could be about suicidal ideiation. That means that they're thinking about suicide. How do we know how serious it is? So I'll give you the way of psychologists to determine whether it's something you have to call the police immediately for. Do they have a plan that's realistic and a time for that plan? So, if they're going to say, "Yeah, well, I was going to steal one of Musk's uh Starship rockets and I completely unrealistic, that's not real suicidal ideiation." But if they have a plan that's realistic that's within their reach and they start talking about when next week on this day not just I sometimes think about that then the police must be called immediately there needs to be immediate intervention but you guys are not professionals so it's not your job to determine all of this once again anything like this is being brought to the head staff but you should I'm telling you this because you want to listen for it if something like this happens, you want to be able to go to the head staff and say, "And I heard him say a time or I didn't. And I heard him say a method or I didn't." You want to give that information because it will make a big difference to him when he's talking to the police and the psychologist. And you're the eyes and ears. When do you report? You know what I'm going to say? All even yellow flags. So a kid just starts saying, "Yeah, sometimes I wonder would people even care if I'm not here? That's definitely enough to report. How about if a kid is on the court and he misses a shot and he's like, "I'm going to kill myself." Do you report that? So, you don't report that because it's so obviously a joke, but but and this is going to sound funny to you, but I'm just telling you doing this work from my perspective, it makes perfect sense. And I urge you to take my advice. I can't convince you unless you've seen the things that I've seen. Even in that case where it's obviously a joke, I'm not denying that it is a joke, it still makes sense not to report to the head staff yet, but to go over to that kid, again, not in front of a whole audience outside of earshot. Hey, I know you were joking when you screamed out, I'm going to kill myself, but in our camp, we don't even joke with words that sound like suicide. We don't even joke like that. Choose another phrase. Choose another expression. If it happens again, you know, randomly, I'm not going to assume the worst, but I'm asking you stop. If he defies you and starts doing it more or just keeps doing it regularly, then tell the stuff. I warn the kid and he's still doing it. You see, because when you have yellow flag behavior or even somewhat okay behavior, but you warn, don't do, and they keep doing, now it turns into yellow flag behavior and potentially even red. So, you want to give that over to the head staff once you've told them, you've warned them, let's stay away from that stuff. Okay? You notice certain marks or again, you catch a kid hurting themselves in certain ways, that has to be given over. It's not necessarily suicidal self-injurious behavior at all, but it's dangerous and it has to be given over to the head staff. The bottom line is that you guys any any additional points that you want to add in. So the bottom line is that you guys are in a position to have a tremendously positive impact on the kids' lives. There will be kids I'm going to say something. You might think I'm crazy for saying this so confidently, but I know it's true in every camp. There will be kids this summer under one or two or three of your care at least. At least I'm going to I'm going to be conservative. One of you with one kid at least, but probably more than that, who you will make a lifechanging difference in that kid. You may not become aware of it, but the support and care and kindness and happiness and positivity and compliments and smiling and attention you give these kids. Some of them are coming from very difficult backgrounds. Some of them all of a sudden something happens and it's private and no one knows. Your positivity and your being that positive role model made all the difference in the world. It should be a summer filled with tremendous good things, health and happiness. Thank you so much for having