AMUDIM Awareness Event 3-4-2017 Rabbi YY Jacobson Part 5 of 5

we're here to bring about change we can't continuously you know focus on the past or what things may or may not have happened we have to focus on the future and how we can all move forward as I've mentioned earlier breaking the taboo is extremely important in order to get this help and also making sure that if people want help we get them to appropriate places to provide the right help helping to increase awareness program such as this one in the school systems in our shoes in our communities whatever it takes and of course training the parents and the community leaders to really realizing what's going on I know that we started late so I'm going to cut short my next intro just to say that this is a speaker who is no stranger to anyone who I've witnessed firsthand giving his life his soul for those that are less fortunate whether it's people suffering from addiction or abuse or just general this is a person who has real a a love for any other Jew that is not something that is seen by so many people and the fact that he had a previous engagement tonight but still realized the importance of this and came in from M we know it's late but we uh pre appreciate so much that Rabbi YY Jacobson took this so Rabbi Jacobson thank you so much and please Jo us I know it's a serious event tonight and you've had quite a few serious speakers here so you'll forgive me if I begin with an anecdote the gor says that ra or RAB before he would begin a lecture or a she he would always begin with a with an anecdotal or humorous comment so the rabbis would laugh and then he would begin the she there were a few reasons he would do this but I will follow a suit so there was a Jew and a Hindu and a politician who went hiking in Texas and they hiked all day and they were EX lost it and in the evening they were searching for a hotel to rest their weary bones but none was to be found so they knocked on the door of a Texan farmer in desperation and they asked him if they could stay in his home for the night and he said it's not a problem the only thing is he has two beds so one of them would be forced to sleep in the barn no the Jew is not going to a barn the politician is also not going to a barn so it was left on the Hindu NE to go to the barn the Hindu goes to the barn and 10 minutes later he knocks on the bedroom door the Jew and the politician open the door and the Hindu was standing there they say what's the problem he says there's no way I could sleep in the barn why not he says there's a cow in the barn how do you expect a Hindu to sleep with a holy cow in the barn it's not happening no the Jew says I guess I'll sleep in the barn the Jew goes to the barn the Hindu gets into bed 10 minutes later the Jew knocks in the door what now the Jew says there's no way I am sleeping in the barn said why not Jew says there's a pig in the barn how do you expect a a Jew to sleep with aaz in the same room it's a past it's inappropriate okay the politician says I guess I'll have to go to the barn so the Jew and the Hindu go to bed and the politician goes to the barn and 10 minutes later there's a knock on the door the Jew and the Hindu open the door and they see the Pig and the cow why I share with you this uh okay the men are just getting it so we'll give them a minute I'll tell you why it's funny no okay I also just got it sometimes it takes me some time I share with you this anecdote not only because because it's funny but because the word politics has become a duty word and for good reason politicians often uh create the way we look at politics but there's another form of politics and that is politics that looks spiritual politics that looks religious politics that seems holy politics that seems Heavenly let's call it politics in the name of God and that politics is as ugly as repulsive as grotesque as abominable and as destructive and sometimes even more because it knows how to use and employ holy garbs the Garb of religion the Garb of Torah the Garb of spirituality the Garb of zealotry the Garb of God but it's really politics and it's important for people to make those distinctions especially for a young generation today that cannot deal anymore with hypocrisy I don't know why when I was younger I'm still a child but when I was even a younger child there was so many people around us that we knew we Hypocrites and I don't know didn't bother us so much sometimes the teacher told you to do something and you knew he didn't do it himself some fathers would tell their children to do something you know they're not doing it themselves it was almost like part of the game today when children see dishonesty it drives them mad when they see teachers parents Educators rebies who are not completely honest with themselves and with their students and their children it turns them off in the deepest way generally when they see people who are not working on themselves people whose religion and spirituality becomes a mask for their own insecurity their own fear their own shame they use religion to run away from their identity because remember religion is a great crutch to run away from your identity somebody doesn't have a good marriage in the house what do you do I have to go davv it's wonderful so secular people don't have this religious community it's great it's wonderful I see the the women are laughing loud okay I'll talk to your husbands you know they say an old joke the talud says that Abraham instituted and but is the is really the first prayer because we start with the night so it should have been yov why did yov Institute the night prayer the evening prayer so the answer is simple had two children had two children at 12 when he came home from work in the evening his wife Leia saw him said yov Ru hasn't seen his father in three weeks shim hasn't had a bath in a month Ley needs some tender love and care yud is a terrorist s has become introverted I don't even know where he is Don seems desperate he's looking for things naali is running all over the place I want you to stay home tell them a story tonight give them a bath cuddle them in bed so Yakov looked up and he said MV it's time to go to MV if I was yakob I would also Institute MV I would also dmire it's extremely easy to use Judaism to use Torah as a cover up for not dealing with reality for not being truthful huh you agree with me I AG absolutely okay if the women AG if the women agree fine tell my mother-in-law it's extremely easy for people it's wonderful I once asked somebody a question I told them I said the following question I want to ask you something if you had to make a choice between God and Truth which one would you choose and the person looked at me with such suspicion and anger and said what type of heretical question I said answer the question would you choose God or truth and he said of course I would choose God and I said to him you just represented one of the great tragedies of our times that in some people's minds God is not necessarily synonymous with truth in fact God sometimes is a substitute for truth God is actually sometimes an excuse to lie to deceive to hide to repress to cover up well any religion that believes that God is not about truth and truth is not about about God this religion is idolatry I told him you should not be a part of it your Judaism is dangerous it's sickening it's cultish it's absurd it's a lie it has nothing to do with Judaism if God does not represent the search for truth the vulnerability to discover truth the sacrifice to explore truth and the commitment to dismiss everything but the truth what type of God is this this is called an idol so yes even religion can become an idol sometimes the greatest Idol and I don't know how to say this nicely so I'll say it not nicely Judaism can also become an idol our Gods could become Idols that's the god that's created in my image and we create gods in our own image gods that allow us to justify our ills gods that allow us to justify our insecurities God that allows us to control to remain in our comfort zones to remain in prisoned by our lies and our problems without the need to be truthful if we are not ready to challenge this then Young people whom we have been privileged to educate and Inspire will look at us and say there's no place in this Judaism for me you see here's the rule kids today teenagers today young men and women today are very deep they're very honest they're very profound they're very sensitive and they need a real thing look at all the children and look at all the youth who are what they call of the D who are taking drugs who are alienated who leave Judaism and you'll see they are our brightest kindest and most sensitive Souls isn't that interesting ask any mother is this child was this child your smartest child was this child your most sens itive child was this child your kindest child was this child your most giving child and you'll hear the answer isn't this fascinating that means we're losing our best our brightest our deepest shouldn't this challenge us to our core and say thereof the D maybe our whole D is off the D maybe our whole path is off the path maybe when God became something but the search for truth and Community became about everyone being in the same box and being accepted meant cover up all truth so everybody looks perfect so any sensitive honest Soul vomits and says I don't want to be part of this I'm not going to be part of a lie I'm not going to be part of a dysfunction and never mind when sexual abuse is covered up for decades and decades and decades and the victims become the perpetrators and the perpetrators become the victims and when rabbis and teachers and Educators and principles and Community leaders those whose mission statement was to stand up for truth and to stand up for the suffering and to stand up for people who were hurt and instead those people are bullied and perpetrators are protected How can any sensitive or smart Soul want to be part of this so we are now facing a time where we have to re-evaluate everything and we have to open up a genuine conversation what Judaism is what God is what truth is what Torah is and we have to be able to learn about souls you know there's a fascinating a fascinating line in the millas Esther in the Book of Esther it's an incredible line of course there a lot of incredible lines there but I want to focus on one that relates very much to tonight's event M asks Esther the first lady to go into aish and plead with their husband to let the Jewish people live so what does she tell she says I can't you have to know my husband he's a mad man he's an alcoholic he's a mug he's a tyrant you go into his room without you go into his Palace private you go into his private chamber without permission you come out with a head shorter and that never feels good and I have haven't been summoned for 30 days I can go in he'll kill me so M tells Esther don't think you're going to be saved when the Jewish people perish you'll perish with them they'll find out you're Jewish then he tells her in fact the Jews will be saved regardless but you and your father's home will be lost and then he says a third point and who knows if it's not for this reason that you attained your position as a queen as part of the Mal as part of the Kingdom in order to save the Jewish people and commentators already pointed out that it would seem like the final argument of M should try to score a home run and yet he goes from stronger to weaker first he says you won't survive anyway then he says the Jews Will Survive but you will be lost and then he says and by the way who knows maybe this is why you got your job okay is this the ultimate argument besides he says who knows when you want to motivate somebody to go do a mission which requires selfs sacrifice you have to be unwavering unwaveringly confident M asked to say and I know that this is why you got your job he says me who knows who knows maybe yes maybe not Esa could say listen you're not sure I'm certainly not sure maybe I got my job for another reason and yet this is what inspired Esther to go into the king and one of the explanations that's given for this in the Holy books is that M was actually communicating something very deep to Esther you know Esther was dumbfounded she was troubled by something very deep and the question that was troubling her was how did I end up in this mess I was a regular girl valedictorian of bet betov what's the name of the girl school here Chev Beva cheva or whatever the name of the beautiful schools are here in Flushing in Queens or other communities I was a great girl my future was bright I was supposed to get married build a beautiful Jewish Family bake kala for shabis and build a future I ended up in the Palace of this Persian Monarch why me H how did this happen like why am I here this is a deep question and what did tell her he had two words for this he said Mi is not an expression of Doubt uncertainty m is basically he's telling her there are some things that are higher than do M who knows this is not something that we can wrap our brains around and say I understand why Esther belongs in this place you know you look at your lives there are some things in your life that you can explain how you ended up there there are sometimes you look at certain parts of your life or your children's lives or your loved ones lives and you say I don't know M I don't know who can understand who can understand the journeys of people the journeys of souls all these Souls that have been struggling recently all the overdoses this is the reason we're here for today all the people struggling those who died and those who survived and those who struggle as we speak why did this happen to them why what went wrong can we articulate logically and rationally and understand everybody's Journey perfectly impossible we have to look back and say m there are things that are beyond our DOT beyond our ability to really comprehend we don't understand people's Journeys our job is not to understand our job is to create space and love for people's Journeys and yet often in our communities we suffer from something okay I'm fine I'm fine don't worry I'm good good we suffer from something we suffer fromal and you forgive me if I'll be a little blunt the women won't mind and that is we have this conception that for a family or for a person or for a child or for a marriage to have a good reputation everybody has to be perfect the only people I know who are not perfect in the Orthodox Community are the people I don't know the only marriages I know that are not perfect are the marriages I don't know all other marriages are perfect perfect the only families I know that are perfect are the families I don't know we live in this pressure of perfection and it's a lie you know somebody who's perfect you know somebody who doesn't struggle we created an expectation that is false is not realistic is ludicrous and it puts people in situations where they're not ready to conform and kill their Soul they basically become stigmatized as weird as strange as crazy so we create standards that are so not real not authentic how can you have a relationship with God how can you have a relationship with truth if bases of our sociological foundations are sometimes so deeply flawed by the need to deceive and cover up we need to create space for realness space for realness means I have to tune into to what is really happening with me with each one of my children and get rid of the shame and the stigma that is associated with children who are struggling with abuse with drugs with mental illness with psychological emotion social religious spiritual physical and financial struggles that people have every soul is on a different Journey no two souls are on the same journey and we have to be able to respect different Journeys we have to be able to honor different Journeys and we have to understand that we don't have to understand me I have to be able to respect my journey and I have to be able to respect my child's journey and I have to be able to respect my students journey and sometimes it's very mysterious and it's very complicated don't minimize it don't rationalize it don't justify it don't reduce it don't make it small see it for what it is and realize that God sends Souls on different Journeys and some of those Journeys are very mysterious look at Esther's life it seemed like an unspeakable tragedy where she ended up a a beautiful Jewish girl where did she end up in the abyss but you know what we're all here because of her so I want to tell you all these Souls that we seem to look at these souls and we say neb they ended up in the abyss instead inad of using the word neb compassion is important but realize that our greatest duty is to empower them to believe in them and if you'll Empower them and believe in them you will see that the Jewish people will be saved from them the greatest light will come from these Souls CU they will open us up to truth they will open us up to God they already opening us up to a more honest conversation another component there's no religion there's no Judaism if people are not speaking honestly about life we get up at these beautiful places and we say I want to share Torah stop sharing Torah talk truth everyone has toras to cover up for everything I'll tell you a nice V do they use this expression a nice V what do they use for V by bukari Jews what's the word for V huh okay I won't try we we have we have ver we have insights we have toras what we need is what we need is raw truth we need toras we need raw truth real life you know purm is named purm because it means poor PO is a goral a lot cuz hon cast lots says in Z that purri is like yur y is like Pur why cuz Kipper the high priest also cast lots he took two goats and on one goat he put the word lashem and another goat the word laaz and one goat was offered in the holy of holies and the blood was sprinkled there and another goat was sent to the aaz mountain we call it in English the scapegoat so the mishna says in shum chapter 6 that the two goats had to be identical the way they looked in their height and in their value you have a so two goats identical they had to be the same height the same face and the same money so says it had to be twins Two Goats identical what's the meaning of this why what do we care if the two goats are not identical I'll tell you why sometimes you look at Two Goats Two Souls one ends up in the holy of holies and you know where the other one ends up on a cliff in the abyss and you look at the two goats and you say m he must have had good parents he must have had abusive parents this goat must have had a functional home this goat had a dysfunctional home this goat was taken to therapy when he had a problem this goat was molested and nobody looked at him and sometimes we're right but the mishna says no sometimes the two goats are identical sometimes they're twins same father same mother same therapy same height same look same money same blood damim was put into both of them they both had a wonderful education they both had caring families and one ends up in the holy of holies and one ends up on the aoel mountain why why you know the answer is it was a goral you know what a goral is a lot M I don't know a lot like Lottery gal gal gal p it's higher than I don't know I can't understand I don't know why souls go through certain things I know my job is not to understand my job is to be present to empower to believe in them to be able to be open with the challenge and to be able to really address it all of you have children all of you have students all of you have nephews nieces grandchildren friends children friends grandchildren communities as parents as Educators as rabbis as teachers as Asos as people as Layman as businessmen whatever or women whatever field you're in whether it's connected to you personally or not the era has come to stop stigmatizing people who have challenges good good people have challenges and let me tell you a secret deeper people have greater challenges more sensitive Souls have much deeper challenges not because they're not good because they're so good depth creates challenge y y King Solomon was a wise man he said the more perceptiveness the more Agony it's just how it is ignorance is bliss is not a cliche people who have big Souls feel more they have more pain I once heard from Dr tski he saidif I asked him what did you learn from 60 years dealing with addiction you know what he said that addicts are the most sensitive Among Us he says everyone has pain but they are too sensitive and they couldn't brush off their pain and move on because they're too deep and they're too sensitive and they needed much more in order to dull their pain and hence they fell prey to addiction so when I look at an addict I can say look what a destructive life he or she is living and I'm right but there's something so much true look how sensitive this person is and if I cannot provide that love that sensitivity if there's no space for these types of souls what are we doing with them where are we sending them and why are we denying challenges and problems that people have because our neighbor may find out I asked the father why did you send this boy to this school you know that this school is not for him it's going to kill him you know what his answer was what are people going to say if they hear that he ended up in that school I said wow and you call yourself a father you're sacrificing the future of your child because what the neighbors are going to say if he's not in the school I asked another mother I said I don't understand why did you marry off your daughter to this fellow when you know it's not a good she said you're right but the family is a very good family I'm like so interesting how long do do the family stick together for seven days so you made your daughter miserable for 95 years so that the pictures for seven days should look good and people should say a nice family we you could record this I'm not embarrassed where's the SE we where's the SE where's the sensitivity our whole life you sell your soul to the devil you sell your children to conform it everything is social pressure and you call this religion and God F this is idolatry they used to sacrifice their children to the m and we sacrifice our children to social pressures and stigmas that they should look good CU they went to this place or that place stop calling it Judaism this is called idolatry dysfunction stupidity abuse and absurdity be there for your children be there for your loved ones embrace them for who they are and let them shine each one of them is an infinite diamond and stop protecting yourself and your reputation for people who couldn't care less about you and your children trust me we talk about God and God and God and God and God until it comes to anything that has to do with truth and honesty and then God gets thrown out of the window because what are they going to say I don't understand Bish what should I tell you I said in English I said what is approach if not what is another I don't care if you talk about God just don't create a god that is an idol it's wonderful to talk about God but the definition of God is not something that's created in my image but truth and if I have a child I have a nephew I have a niece I have a student struggling with something to hide it and put it under the rug you know Jews in America used to have Hollywood kitchens and wall to- wall carpets you remember so somebody asked me why they need wall to wall carpets I said cuz they had to put a lot of things under the carpet so you have to have a carpet from wall to wall so you can put everything under the carpet we have a lot under our carpets and you'll forgive me but sometimes strong communities the communities are very strong and everybody covers up everything and everybody has to suffer from inside and no one is allowed to talk you're not allow to communicate you know what happens to sensitive kids they vomit they go crazy from this spiritually they vomit emotionally they vomit you can't create a normal society based on this I once for my Reb a very powerful idea what was the beginning of Jewish Exile you remember when ysep was sold to Egypt why was he sold to Egypt he was in a pit who put him in the pit his brother ruven because he wanted to save him he wanted to save his brother from the death sentence of his other brother so he had him in a pit so he could take him out so why wasn't he there when they sold him so Rashi says because they went to eat after they put him into the pit they went to eat and he was fasting why was he fasting CU nine years earlier he took the mattress of his father and he relocated it into another bedroom and it was mixing into the intimacy of his father so he was fasting for nine years so he wasn't there when they were eating so he wasn't there when his brother was sold so when they sold Joseph to the Egyptians ruven wasn't there he was somewhere fasting and meditating and praying and crying and singing and when he came back Joseph wasn't there he tore his garment the child is not here what am I going to do now let's understand what caused Joseph to be sold into Exile not bad people doing bad things you know what caused Joseph to be sold into Exile a brother who was fasting in order to perfect his character in order to do tra in order to do repentance and therefore he wasn't present in other words the beginning of Exile is not bad people doing bad things the beginning of Exile is when holy and spiritual people are busy fasting praying and perfecting themselves when there's a Jewish child languishing in a pit when there's a Jewish child in a pit of snakes and scorpions stop fasting and stop praying and stop focusing on your own Perfection and stop going into meditate in order to get closer to Heaven it's beautiful to fast and pray and meditate and get closer to heaven but but not when there's a child in a pit when there's a child in a pit stop fasting come out of your meditation and save a child from a pit and when you don't that's the beginning of Gus that's the beginning of Exile that's the Consciousness that creates Exile today there are many children in pits in the abyss many children in all communities Queens but in all communities and of all types and of all spectrums no Community is exonerated from this theid communities the yish communities the Lisha communities the modern Orthodox communities the ultra Orthodox communities the right-wing communities the sensuous communities all communities black hat white hat Straw Hat yellow hat Bieber hat this hat Hamburg stal Becka SP half a SP almost SP barcelino Chicago barcelino no hat hats on Yip all types children are in the pit in the abyss of depression in the abyss of pain in the abyss of melancholy in an abyss of addiction in an abyss of drugs an abyss of deep deep misery and Agony at such a moment nobody can go focus on their own spiritual Perfection when Joseph when ysep is in a pit at such a moment I have to go down and help extricate him or her from the abyss how the first thing is by stop denying it stop making believe it's not a problem stop saying in my family it doesn't happen first of all why don't you find out what's happening in your family second of all why is a nephew not called family why is a neighbor not called family why is a Community member not called family the first thing is let's stop denying it the second thing is we need to be humble we need to be able to become vulnerable we need to be able to strip ourselves from our ego it's not easy to re-evaluate our priorities let's face it these kids put us through the ringer and they Shake us up and sometimes we look in the mirror and we don't recognize ourselves but you know what they say that the Chinese survived 5,000 years you know why because the same character they have for the word crisis they have for the word opportunity but in Judaism it gets better do you know the word we use for a breakdown in Judaism in Hebrew masar what else does mbar mean a birthing stool a birthing stool every breakdown every crisis can become a springboard for rebirth every challenge can become an opportunity for a new discovery yes it's humbling it's challenging it's painful the seed has to decompose in order to germinate and become a tree that seed was wonderful you put it in the Earth it goes through decadence but only that way can it become a tree our seed also has to decompose because we are sometimes so oblivious to what's going on we really need to be shaken up in a washing machine sometimes I feel like I and others have to be put into a washing machine spin around thank you in order to in order to really confront our situation so denial got to go we need to educate ourselves emotionally not only intellectually and to really be open to the truth of each of our children and sometimes it's not as rosy we would like it to be but here's the truth my child was not created to give me Nas nor was my child created to look like me my child is God's Soul sent down on this world and he or she has his journey I'm here to help him or her succeed in their Journey with love with confidence and the most important with empowerment they say there was a Chinese lady who would go every day with two with two buckets to the river fill them up and bring them home one bucket was complete the other one had holes she was very poor so she couldn't afford to get a new one so when she came home each day one bucket was filled with water and the other one was missing half of its water one day the broken bucket opened up its mouth and and spoke to the Chinese woman and said to her it's not fair I'm so jealous of my friend the other bucket comes home filled with water and I come home every day missing so much water and the Chinese woman tells the broken bucket tomorrow when we come back home look at out your path and when the bucket looks out she sees it sees plants flowers lies roses planted along its path from the river to the home so say what's this and the Chinese woman says when I obtained you I knew about your defects I knew about your blemishes so I planted all of these flowers on your path so each day as we're going back home and your water trickles out of your bucket you get to water all of these flowers and all of these plants which gives our home so much fragrance and Delight very often we look at different people some buckets seem complete and some buckets are filled with holes sometimes we look at our own buckets and they're filled with holes and we ask ourselves couldn't we have been wholesome why do we have all these defects and blemishes but you know when God created you he knew exactly the holes in your bucket but there's something that the broken bucket can accomplish that the other bucket can't the water that trickles out of it creates plants and flowers and roses and smells that the other bucket can't create so instead of asking yourself why me or why my child or why this one or why that one that question won't help them a much deeper question is how do iow allow this bucket to maximize its unique Destiny its unique calling its unique mission a few months ago Leonard Cohen died and I believe he once sang and said when I was young I worshiped Perfection now that I'm older I search for things that have cracks because it's the cracks that allow the light to come in our communities are cracking there are cracks everywhere but if you tune into the cracks they will allow the light to come in people who are perfect have no light coming in cracks allow the light to come in they allow real light to come in cherish cracks cherish the cracks in your life even though they're painful nobody likes cracks we like Perfection but it's the cracks that open us up to truth they open us up to God they open us up to our soul they open us up to a life that's free of judgment free of judgmentalism Free of bias free of politics they open us up to depth they provide us with wisdom they provide us with perception and with a lot of perceptiveness so M tells Esther I don't know some things I don't know I don't understand I really don't understand but the most important thing is I don't have to understand I have to believe in you and I have to believe in ourself in myself we have to believe in each one of these souls and we have to believe in ourselves and we have to believe in their infinite power in their infinite resources and we have to believe in our ourselveses that we can expand our Horizons and change the Dynamics but for this don't be afraid to rewrite the script of your life you see some of us are trained to think certain ways and when we see a crisis we respond in the predictable way what's the Line Round Up The Usual Suspects so we have the same thing you know something happens we have these meetings these aif we Round Up The Usual Suspects we blame the women for SAS and we all go home and we're happy right a crisis happens in a community you blame the women that blah blah blah blah you blame the internet and everybody is great and everybody runs back to their classes their comfort zones and to their ice coffee yoga gym poates whatever you're into stop rounding up The Usual Suspects I have to be ready to say maybe everything I know is worthless I actually don't know anything I'm going to be like RAB a at the age of 40 said I don't know anything I want to start over that's greatness greatness is control alternate Al delete how do you do it remind me delete control alt delete and a big restart have the courage you know this Fus R there was a Jew known as the yades you ever heard of the yades one of the greatest Masters why they call him the yades every Jew is a yadesh every Jew is Holy you know what he said he said because the Y Kadesh had the courage that every day he became a Jew again just like a convert every day for him was like a conversion the Judaism of yesterday did not work for today that's what I feel like where we are today we have to all con convert to Judaism and those who are Jewish for many years need it even more and those who are Jewish for 2500 years you know what I'm talking about communities that are here for 2 200 years they as need to convert because we're so used to our old gods we get stuck so I have to be able to say you know what let me learn a new approach maybe I don't get it maybe I really did not get it the whole way of educating people by not communicating with them in a real honest powerful loving way is ineffective today methods that some of us thought were excellent and impeccable are turning out to be a mockery and fule and ineffective at least for many I can't say for everybody but for many in generally in general today you have to treat children not so much like children we treat nine-year-olds as though they were babies today already at six they're teenagers seveny olds no more than their 90y old grandmothers this doesn't mean children are not children but it means treat your nine-year-olds with deep intelligence and respect because they understand everything never mind your 11 year olds and 12 year olds talk to them listen to them communicate with them go out of your space and go into their space spend time with them on their terms not on your terms a father comes to me and he says my son doesn't want to spend time with me I said okay I also don't like spending time with you what's the problem I didn't say that I just thought it I'm like I was thinking like I'm waiting for this meeting to be over so I don't blame you son I'm like well what type of time do you offer your son to spend with you he says I always ask him to learn with me and he never wants to I said oh yeah kids very a lot of kids don't like learning with their father he says that's a problem I said okay but what does your child love he says I don't know he loves sports I say for example does he love horseback riding he say oh he's crazy about horseback riding I said why don't you go horseback riding with your son once a week he says let's not education I want to learn with him I said one day but first bond with him become close your child needs a father go horseback riding with him once a week he says that's bit Torah it's it's it's wasting time of Torah I said listen that's my advice to you start going horseback riding with him once a week for a good few hours and you'll build you'll build a trust language so he tells me I cannot take responsibility for such a sin to waste time of Torah and go horseback riding I said I have an idea when you die and come to heaven and they'll want to punish you for going horseback riding with your son say it was Rabbi YY Jacobson's advice I said I'll tell you why I'm anyway going to hell I know you're going to Paradise I'm going to hell anyway so they'll add this they'll add this that I told you to horseback riding with your son it's not the end of the world in fact maybe that will be my Paradise maybe that will that's when I'll get Paradise for that you spent some time with your son you gave your son a little a little bit of fatherly love fatherly trust he says to me you're serious I should say this in heaven I looked at him I said you know if I was your son I also wouldn't want to spend time with you you'll forgive me stop analyzing and stop dissecting go spend time with your child you created a certain model of what a relationship looks like completely on your terms you know nothing about your son you know nothing about his life you know nothing about his interest you know nothing about his heart you don't have a child you have an imaginary child that you created in your own image that's not your boy why don't you learn who your boy is cuz you don't want to learn who your boy is cuz it's not the boy you dreamt about well guess what life is about Reinventing yourself every day for what God wants I want to share something with you and end with this there was a boy who went to Vietnam to fight he survived he called up his father Thursday and he says Dad I arrived in California from Vietnam the army base I can come home on Monday wow amazing Dad one request my best friend in my platoon he stepped on a mine he lost an arm he lost two legs he has no family we're best friends can I bring him home with me take care of him father says son that would be a big mistake you know we we going to be nice to him on the outside but inside we're going to resent him he's going to make our lives miserable it's not going to be easy it's going to be very difficult He says Dad I promise you you're going to love this boy he is the sweetest brightest most Charming kid in the world you're going to love him he says son I don't have a doubt that I'm going to love him but internally I'm going to hate him internally I'm going to be miserable because he's living in my home this is not my responsibility it's the government's responsibility they will put him in a home that can help him they will pay for him you could go visit him but this is we don't want such a person in our home it's really not going to work your mother and your father are going to despise it I'm telling you the truth he says Daddy thank you hung up the phone so that Sunday the father gets a call it was the police the police said that there was a soldier who came back from Vietnam and he took his life over the weekend he jumped off a roof they think he may be related to him if he could come identify the body so he came and he identified the body it was his son and he saw that his son was missing the arm and the two legs his son was not talking about his best friend he was talking about himself this is a story someone sent to me I'm not here to judge anybody in the world especially not a person who has his own challenges and as the mishna says never judge anybody until you don't reach their space until I don't wear somebody else's shoes I don't judge them and since I never wear anybody else's shoes I barely fit into my own shoes I don't judge anybody but this story taught me a lesson and I'll tell you what it is sometimes we're ready to accept accepted children that look like the children we hoped we're going to have we're ready to accept our loved ones as long as they fit into the mold of what my student my child my grandchild my daughter my son my teenager is going to look like as long as you fit into that mold I'm here for you I love you I'll do everything for you I'll pay for your Yesa I'll pay for your college I'll pay for your University I'll marry you off I'll pay for you to learn in Kyo for 29 and a half years as long as you look like the one that I need you to look like so I could sit down and say ah I have from you the moment my child looks different the moment my child is on a different Journey suddenly the worst in US comes out I have no space for you some parents will throw their children out of their homes some parents will keep their children in their homes but they will resent them and they will have only a negative attitude towards them but there Comes A Time in your life when I say to you ask not what your child can do for you ask what you can do for your child and ask not how everything fits into your picture or my picture my question has to be how do I transcend my comfort zones and say I'm going to be here for you I know it hurts and I know it's painful and I know it's not the journey I wanted and I know it's not the journey that I expected but let me tell you something my dear friends if you go on this journey it's not only your child who will be saved you will also be saved it's not only your child who will find a new life as hard as it is to believe you will also discover a part of yourself and a part of God that you never knew about thank you very much [Applause] okay I'm not sure how I can uh continue one second um but and I apologize that we're a lot later than we thought so if people want to stay here and talk to us we'll do that um also there is a a woman here that we were going to try to get her to speak I can't Mrs Gardner we don't have time I'm sorry but I'm going to see if people want to talk to you privately I'll gladly set that up as well so there is a woman here who has a lot of experience in dealing with addiction and has lost a child who's willing to speak to people and share some of her experiences the Naran training is going on upstairs for anyone who wants to go to get their own Naran kit um and again I'm just going to leave with one closing remark we must follow the advice that we've heard so many times here tonight and it is one message to go over and over again we must remove the stigma the shame and the embarrassment from being that blockade from letting us get our loved ones the help that they desperately need we must live our lives for those around us who need us and not for ourselves to feel good about what we're doing I truly hope that we don't need to have any of these types of events anymore and I truly hope for the day that these issues will not happen and I don't have to be nervous at 3:00 in the morning when my phone rings that it's another carbon another sacrifice that was taken from us at a young age but until that day happens we have to keep fighting this fight getting our schools to bring in education and awareness getting our tools getting our communities community centers and for that I know it's 11:00 on a Mah shabis late night and it's so appreciated that everybody that's here stayed as late as you did and show that you cared and please if there's anything that we can do for you anything amudim can do for you anything any of these Community organizations or leaders can do please reach out do not be shy we never know who the next life is that we're going to save or turn around and it could be some one extremely close to us thank you all very much and have a good night you