Am I Good Enough? - Tehila Gimpel: The Land of Israel Fellowship

hi everyone so there's something that really struck me in this past Torah portion of shmot which was the negotiation between Moshe and Hashem regarding Moshe going on his mission to go speak to pharaoh and save the Israelites because I think it touches on something very real psychologically there's this kind of pushback and resistance and it starts on these very sort of lofty you know premises uh you know he says well you know they're going to want to know your name and then Hashem says okay well here's the name you're going to tell them and then one says well wait wait wait wait maybe they're not gonna believe me so Hashem says okay here are some signs you know that you can show them and in between the lines you might even hear Hashem kind of preempting a possible concern about their financial welfare seemingly out of nowhere Hashem says well you know don't worry they're also going to have a lot of gifts from the Egyptians and they're going to be going to a land of milk and honey like maybe I should have saying to him if you're worried that they're going to go into the desert and just waste away don't worry about that either and what's so interesting is that after all these initial sort of objections Moshe really cuts to the Chase and he says Hashem I'm not a man of words he says I'm not a man of words neither from yesterday nor from the day before yesterday nor from the time you have spoken to your servant for I am heavy of mouth and heavy of tongue now that's interesting from the time you have spoken to your servant we're in the conversation right now what is he even saying there I think here it's sort of like those Babushka dolls where you you know you open up one and you find another one until you finally get to the middle one so it's like Moshe is starting with these different layers first it's like theological it's a philosophical problem what is God what is God's name there's a philosophical problem then it gets to a more practical problem like what if the people don't believe me it's not like a national issue this is not about it it's about the nation how am I going to get public support for this but then when you open it up what's layered inside of the inside is this fear that basically says I'm just not good enough and when I'm reading that it really hits home because at least this is my experience like I have a lot of excuses in my mind when I have to you know face something that I know I should be doing or I feel called to be doing I can philosophize you know make excuses like you know saying uh well who even knows if it's the right thing who even knows what Hashem wants and then I can make practical because it's like well how could I find time I have kids I have work yada yada but deep down I know that inside what's often holding me back is this feeling like am I even worthy I'm I even good enough and for those of us who are parents this comes up all the time too with our children like how do you help a child that's afraid of failing so we have to read hashem's answer really carefully and see how he's going to address this because I think he can model for us the faith-based response to this kind of challenge now how is Hashem going to address this One Way Hashem could address this could be to sort of continue in the pattern of the answers given to moshe's other concerns Moshe said that they're not going to believe me so Hashem said here's a miracle here's a snake here's a miraculous leprosy on your arm and it'll be cured cool that's cool right so if that's the pattern what would we expect Hashem to say Hashem could have just said oh yeah that little talking problem Magic Stick poof it's cured your mouth is cured you're a great speaker now it's not out of hashem's range and you can kind of hear that maybe Hashem Moshe is even expecting that because Moshe says I'm not a good speaker from yesterday the day before yesterday or from the time that you spoke to me but you're speaking me now meaning I'm thinking that maybe if I'm speaking to Hashem Hashem is going to heal me it happens to us right so often like with our kids when you see your kid having a problem you want to make it go away you know you could fix this you could just just fix it up but you know that if you do that you're not going to let them grow so that's the one way that Hashem doesn't take now the other way and this would sound familiar for those of us who grew up in the self-esteem modern psychology kind of environment this problem sounds really obvious and the solution sounds really obvious what does him do Hashem should build his self-esteem right oh you're stutter no big deal no one notices that little thing you are a great speaker believe in yourself I believe in you you can do it right that's what modern psychologists would tell us to do as parents right praise your children build their self-esteem you're amazing you're wonderful you're perfect but Hashem doesn't go in either of those directions what does Hashem actually say it says the Lord said to him who gives a man a mouth who makes one dumb or deaf or seeing or blind is it not I the Lord so Hashem says Hashem could have said well you know you're perfect the way you are but he doesn't he says who makes someone blind who gives people their shortcomings I don't only give people talents I give them shortcomings and I have a reason but then he says in verse 12 so now go I will be with your mouth and I will instruct you what you shall speak for me this is such a powerful lesson like he's saying I'm not going to cure your problem and I'm not going to tell you that your problem is not a problem you're so talented you're so amazing I'm sure you'll be fine I'm gonna tell you you have a problem not only do you have a problem I'm the creator of every person's problems I put your talents there and I put your shortcomings there but when I Choose You for a mission I'm going to be with you and your success or failure is going to have nothing to do with you and everything to do with me being with you and your faith in me that is what Hashem is guiding us to and this really hit home for me as like the emunah kind of Faith response to that feeling that I think that I struggle with and I think a lot of us struggle with and it connected to our life on the farm and this Fellowship because you know sometimes I'll take a moment when things sort of are quiet enough to take a moment and I pause and I look at the Crazy Life we're living I look at this remarkable farm and meeting the most amazing people from all around the world and who even gets to do that and people turn to us of all people as a source of Torah and guidance and we have you know this you know these amazing opportunities to travel and to teach but as those of you guys who have met us on the road or an Israel no we're just like the most regular people we have a messy house we're running around doing carpools and homework and squabbling about stupid things and forgetting to pay silly bills and how in the world did we end up in this position there are rabbis that are a million times smarter than us to be teaching tour there are farmers that are a million times more skilled and experienced than us to be trying to revive the land and yet here we are for the simple reason that we couldn't escape and we might have tried but we could not escape the feeling of being called to this journey and this Mission and so hashem's words here are really like echoing in my mind and strengthening because he's saying you think I chose you without knowing your shortcomings I know them better than anyone who makes one deaf or one seeing or one blind I made you dumb to Gila and I still want you and I will be with your mouth so the solution is not in trying to escape the shortcomings you know magically hope to fix them or to whitewash them and make ourselves feel better about them but the simple faith that Hashem reminds us here in verse 12 when he says I will be in your mouth and I will instruct you what to speak and perhaps that's the lesson we need to impart not only to ourselves but to our children as well that their success and failure turns not on what they're born with but on knowing that when Hashem puts them in a position you're not there for no reason he doesn't knowing your strengths and knowing your weaknesses and through your faith that you are where you're supposed to be and by knowing that by being committed to following hashem's instruction that is the key to finding success and blessing on whatever Journey you find yourself on so that gave me some strength this week and I hope uh I hope it resonates with you guys too hope everybody has a great week bye guys