Kedoshim 5786 - Confronting the Person Who Offended Me

In the parsha Kedoshim, we have a lot of um halachas of bein adam l'makom, a lot of halachas of bein adam l'chaveiro. And one of these halachas is lo sisa chinam b'vavcha. You're not allowed to hate somebody in your heart. Um ach chet tochecha t'chakech et amitecha. You shall reprimand someone with tisa l'v chet. And do not carry on him any uh avera any any hatred. Really. Now, very superficially, people will interpret the pasuk as meaning you're not allowed to dislike someone, even if this person has acted very um not right towards you. A sort of uh I guess not hating anyone. That's not really accurate at all. First of all, the differences you have in halacha category yesh l'v tarumos, that if a person acts in a certain way, I'm entitled to um be upset with him. Uh anyone who harms me or hurts me in some way, I am perfectly entitled to be upset with the person. So, what is this injunction about lo sisa chinam b'vavcha? So, um the uh Ramban explains that it is wrong to hold in your your being upset at someone and not tell them, but to keep nursing that hatred without confronting the person. He says um the elo t'chakech et amitecha u'v'dvar chet madua kacha s'sima d. Im lo sisa l'v chet l'chases masav l'vecha. The do not keep it yourself. Confront the person, share it with them and say, "I'm very upset cuz of this and this." And have the person realize it. He says the Ramban, "Because when you reprimand a person, he'll apologize. He will possibly do true before his avaira and it'll be forgiven." So, the and then the classic follows that by not taking revenge and so on. The point of it is and I'd like There are two points really in this Ramban. One point is I once heard someone was involved someone was very upset with someone for something or other and I encouraged the person to confront the person, you know, and sort of tell them why they're so you know, that they're upset for whatever it is. And the person replied, "Well, if I tell that person, he's going to feel sorry, he's going to apologize. I'm going to have to be mohel him. And then that person won, so to speak. That person got did what they did and I got for nothing. I was you know, I got nothing out of it." There's a sort of a sense that nurturing a hatred towards someone is something that is pleasant. In other words, a comforting maybe is a better word for it. The you know, okay, this person did this and this, but I really have it in for him and I keep thinking bad things and so forth. So, the first thing is the Torah is not telling us not to feel um upset. There there's wrong with feeling upset. The question is what do you want to do with it? I should try to make the effort to rectify it. Secondly, I guess in this is the way in which we emulate Baruch. Baruch doesn't does not forego any sins that we've done. If we done something wrong, Baruch will eventually reply in kind. Meedah k'neged meedah. But would like us to do teshuvah. Keeps reminding us either through words of a of a navi or through other ways that we are in wrong and we need to write what we did wrong. That's the way Baruch deals with it. So, we also need to do the same thing. We need to want the world to be good and everyone to be good. And if this person done wrong, we want him to do right. And that's where he says that I'm sorry. It's not so long. If you are him, he will apologize. Or with his capital. Or he will um do he'll say he'll do teshuvah and he'll have a capital. In other words, we also should want that the people who've done wrong are going to um uh are going to do what's right and do teshuvah and so on. The who usually takes after he usually echoes says something similar, adds a point to it. He says when people keep nursing a hatred, it doesn't really go away. And what happens is the um at some point it will burst out and you will do something to the other person that you regret doing. He brings us an example of Solomon Amnon where because Amnon molested Absalom's sister and Absalom did not call him out for it. It says Absalom and Amnon Absalom did not speak with Amnon meaning he made no attempt to try to rectify it. Over the whole decade and so on, that's why it um he ended up killing him because he was very upset, never gave the other person a chance to come to grips with it and apologize and do chuva and therefore at the end of it he killed him. And Hashem says the Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants the world to go on a path of pleasantness, of peace and so on. So, we have here a very, very fascinating type of halacha which would work out the following way. Somebody does something wrong to us. Somebody wrongs us. Many times we feel um we don't want to make an issue of it. We're I'm not going to say anything whatever and so forth. Now, if a person can genuinely get over it in a way that truly it's as if it never happened and or understands what to tell the other person and he's 100% comfortable with it, that's a very, very big tsidkus. And of course, that's that's astounding. But for the vast majority of us, the vast majority of times, we don't have that type of um uh feelings. What we do have is that we um we don't want to make a fuss about it. Now, sometimes it's just because it's a bother and tell the person, person who I don't like him so much, so we have to sit down, talk to him, tell him that, and then the person will deny it, and then they and then I'll say, "Yes, but and it's a process and I I don't want to be bothered by it." There's another kind of psychological reason why a person doesn't want to do it. Cuz if I tell a person that I was hurt by the words you said, I was upset. That's a small nobility. It means, "Yes, you were able to hurt me." And really, really um you know, do something to me. I'm vulnerable cuz what you say means something to me. If I play it cool and I pretend that it's you you know, it's it's nothing or who cares who cares what you said. Very macho, but at the end of the day, I do have that hatred. So, um that a person should be able to do it is is the fear of of this is the fear of a person. So, we have here um the Ramban and the Chinuch both say a similar point that the the prohibition is not not it is not that a person should not be upset. That's A. Um many times a person is entitled to be upset. Luckily, the other person wronged me. Two, um even if he didn't, but it's human nature. It's a natural human nature that when someone whatever was annoying for some reason, I'm upset. What the Torah is telling us, do not allow it to simmer. And we said two possible reasons for it. One is it shows a certain of vulnerability. The fact that you that I really care what you said, that it hit home, that it that it was embarrassing or upsetting. Two, um that I you know, if if if if you apologize everything, then you know, you'll go ahead, but I'll still be nursing my wounds. And you'll have won. Those are two reasons why a person would not want to engage the other person. The Torah says no, you're obligated to engage the other person, have them listen, and if he apologizes sincerely, you ought to be mekubal it. Two reasons. First of all, like the Chofetz Chaim says, if we let it sit, it will simmer and simmer, and it will blow up, and you'll do something bad as retribution to the person. Two, Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants the world to be a good place. And by the same token, obviously, he wants people to be good people. When you um when you when you tell the person he's doing wrong, and many times the person doesn't even realize how much you've been hurt. When you tell it to him, the person takes it to heart, and does teshuvah. He apologizes to you, he sort of looks to rectify his own life, and he does what's right. Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants the world to be a good place, and people to do what's right, and people to be tzaddikim. We emulate Hakadosh Baruch Hu that way, that when they when people have offended us, we in the bein adam l'chavero arena, we we actively seek that they do right, and when they do right, we're happy with their um with their having made it right. We're happy with their apologies and it's what we want out of them, that they do what's right.