alienation/estrangement w/ Tuvia Blau

interesting character we've met several times over the years um although you always have to remind me of our history it's okay you meet a lot of people I do and uh tuvia is involved in we're both involved in this but tuvia is like this is his thing and I get it only as a blessing that comes with my work and that is a family estrangement is people being estranged from their um either AR ing family or or being estranged from family and do you have a name to your organization yeah so my work right now I I call myself a parental alienation and family arangement coach can you say that SL yeah parental alienation and family estrangement that's my work been doing this for about six years with an organization called broken ties they're an incredible organization uh run by amazing people who have supported thousands of families who have found themselves in a very challenging family Dynamic that we call parental anation this uh Dynamic causes uh extreme trauma within the family um parents losing their children adult children mostly is the work that I'm doing but uh this is a real test of of a real challenge for them and their families to find a way to heal and to together soem for doing this work and bless meet so many inredible families as I know you have as well yeah I think um the um can you tell us a little bit about family estrangement and what's it about what happens that is called family yeah so I think there is some confusion out there you know with so many pieces of information that you can find online but I would say that there's parental alienation in the truest uh form would be where usually through a divorce usually when there's an underage kid or underage children true print alienation is where one parent weaponizes the child against the other parent and try to tries to to to disconnect the children from from the other parent usually for their own self gain as you know in some ways uh it's it's abusive towards the children I think that one parent wants gain some level of power and control could be a result of some level of personality disorder or narcissism as we uh sometimes say but the idea is that nonetheless the kids are disconnected from one parent uh this is not a healthy thing as you know it's kids need both their mother and their father as a big part of their lives as the kids grow older and they become let's call them adults let's say maybe 18 or older uh we call parental alienation usually when there's a third party who some way uses the actions of their parents to show the kid that that's manipulative and that there is um an unhealthy dynamic between the adult child and the parent this third party unfortunately could be a therapist maybe with a motive to continue to you know see their clown and and and and have long-term relationships with that with that person um it could be a r unfortunately or rabbitson who in some ways is helping the kids see that the actions of their parents are negative could be a roshi Shiva could be really anybody who has some real significant influence on that on that child's that adult child's life which keeps them separated 100% yeah and unfortunately I think a lot of the the guidance that that some of these amazing you know ream um or so somebody like that in that position they're giving good good advice good guidance but because they're not aware of the dynamic that exists between this alienation and estrangement um their advice is sort of onesided and they're not seeing the whole picture and I think that that's that's a mistake amazing um give me another example of family is strange okay so yeah so so again the child May in some way have gone through some trauma I don't mean to that was the child parent one what are some other ones right so so we have um for the most part it's parent alienation and family exchangement again the parth alienation is probably at least from from the work that I've done is where some other party helps that person to disconnect on the other side there's a family estrangement which I think is you're what you're referring to family estrangement is when the adult child makes a decision on their own to disconnect from the parents usually in a traumatic situation uh where the child recall some memory associated with what the parent did or didn't do and they believe it's uh let's call it more emotionally um healthy for them to cut off contact completely and in a way this cutting off contact could be you know a couple of days weeks months years and um it's destructive because a lot of these adults have kids and now these parents who were cut off from their kids are also cut off from their grandkids and so we see that level of family Dynamics start to go generation to generation cut off siblings too siblings as well because uh they could have siblings still at home 100% while they're busy cutting off and not that right now the sibling's going to follow suit with the other uh kids they start to say well you know if if my brother is doing this there must be really something wrong and uh you see the dynamic you also see uh families where there's two different sides of some argument and um they pick sides kids and now there's what we call Family arangements brothers and sisters against each other as well wow and it's rampant it's rampant in the in the religious communities in The Firm communities yeah and what about the Gentile communities or I think in the secular environment there certainly is I think in the secular environment there's more um politically focused you know divide there's more um conversation about money maybe know we hear a lot about overstepping boundaries we call these helicopter parents in in the secular World um amesh things like that where where parents overstep more than they should they they forget that their kids and adult can make their own decisions um but the fir communities I think is a little bit different uh well it could be that the the European world is um is different because the the the observ commity are really European communities they're not Americans to be an American you have to be raised in a public school you can't come to America and never have touched a public school and call yourself an American you may have an American citizens you may have an American passport yeah but you are not American anyway but they're European and Europeans are bigger on grudges bigger on grudges they I'm not going to let it slide you know and um and one of the things that's a real leftover from Europe is um to no longer talk to somebody right could be a brother there's even Jewish leaders that have siblings that are Jewish leaders and the leaders of the of the group don't speak to each other each other sure which is like meaning that's serious estrangement and but it's much worse though because because they're leaders they're burning they're gigantic communities some of those commun could be 40 50,000 people well 40 50,000 people means that there a lot of people with brothers and sisters and if our leader can't talk to his brother won't talk to his brother and is in in a nasty you know a nasty and and public relationship what it does is it lets the entire Community know that this is within the realm of normal yeah it's okay to not speak to for years if not forever and anyway but that but that it it's a considered fair game to cut off from an immediate family member or one's parents um it's considered fair game because it's a European thing it's also um when the Europeans came to New York no matter who they were Jewish or Gentile when they came to New York and that was um you know was coming from Europe what happened was as it got to the West Coast meaning as Americans move their way west it got less and less like that to the point where where I was raised in La there was no such thing as like going in better set up something like make up C TRS start over therapy's part of the program as a family you know it's like it's like you just don't go to bed upset with anyone nor is anyone really upset with you and you work it out unless obviously there was something really heinous but but it was generally it out is that Spore what is that Spore yeah what is farting like you we're just more if you fight and we we make up like because sping are Hot Blooded you know the Middle Eastern Jews are more Hot Blooded so they know that they're going to say things that they didn't mean and I love you everyone knows you didn't really mean anything um yeah the ashaz once they lose it like that it could be years of discom and the yeah because they dig in they double down it's been a year it's going to be two it's going to be two um we're laughing about pretty sad stuff right now but but uh what happened is I Married An East coaster and we were both raised SEC so we're not part of the whole European thing but I was West Coast and she was east coast and she said to me after maybe 3 years of marriage she said that one of the things she learned from me having been married was was was how to share what she's feeling 3 days earlier you understand meaning meaning if I upset her she would just turn cold for 3 days and brewed over it but anytime she upset me I would just be like I'm really feeling upset you know just like what I'm like well yeah what you just said was was that that was hurtful she be like are you actually bringing up something that I said is hurtful like aren't you supposed to wait 3 Days To like suffer what about the 3 days suffering for what for the hurtful thing anyway but I daughter which is another carryover from Europe is hold it all in yeah hold it in bury it right at least for a while and then just until until you're ready to explod yeah so she really appreciated that and she's gotten like we're married now 30 years so she's like she's she's either she's gotten it down to a few hours over 30 years wow 30 she's gotten it down to a few hours she can't still do this she'll give me a kind of look and then walk walk set your timer set your alarm anyway but she's super cute and she does you know now now it comes out you know like within the day and that's great it only took 30 30 years to do that so anyway so about this estrangement I want to share with you something that I think it will be powerful and i' love you to share me a lot of things um but you're ready for something crazy many years ago in one of the Poss new seminars and uh before I go into it just wanted to mention to that um I have a a webinar called uh it's called tkid in Hebrew or the mission in English and it's where people find their mission in life like what they're actually here to purpose yeah their purpose and men and women have like a mission worth more than just their life you know they have a mission like I just met someone yesterday his mission was Justice and uh your mission is um I think your mission is connection yeah and um anyway a lot of people have no well a lot of people have no idea what their mission is and you don't well you're normal because when I ask a room of 50 people 50 men cuz men are more connected to Mission when I say Mission by the way I don't mean like all the good things you do or or saying y May at appropriate times that's your that's your kind of buil in I'm talking about the mission that God put you here for individually the difference you were meant to make and by the way without watching the webinar you can um you can ask yourself the question what's always bothered you ever since you were little interesting I'm tell about this you'll probably notice this always bothered you once in a while something happens in someone's life and that becomes what they Champion well that's what I was actually going originally thinking about right because in this world of estrangement and alienation many people are left asking themselves like why me why is this the situation that Hashem is given me and I always think about this as almost like meos like what are you know as you know in this world people come to fix their families and when in reality they find the they find a way to fix themselves to heal themselves from within and that usually will propel them forward into the dynamic of the relationship that they really desire but there's always two I say these MOS these purposes Maybe Mission um that parents usually find themselves um with the estrangement which is is is one how to focus in on themselves I was saying earlier uh to my friend here that a parent would say let's take somebody from Muny they have 10 kids hasem and they spend their entire lives focused on those kids and this mother now loses her kids to a Strang men or alienation and she doesn't know who she is she literally doesn't know what to do with herself in the morning and the second thing is this idea of compassion iic we all but we really need to to learn I I do I do these large speaking engagements as well and and when I do I ask a a room full of people what is your definition of of compassion most people will give you the definition of empathy right try and put yourself in somebody else's shoes I like to simplify everything and I I use this idea of compassion as sitting in a room listening to how somebody else feel sometimes negatively about you right that's when you're hearing the child in this case say um you are a bad parent I didn't like what you did you know you were this you were that but being able to sit in a room listening to how somebody else feels without trying to change it or fix it for them and I think as a parent who want to just help their kid see the world in the best way possible um kids are here to have their own experiences hashem's in charge I always say hashem's my daughter's father before I am um but being able to sit in the essence of somebody else's pain without trying to make it different for them is a true definition of compassion and something that um that you can really learn and and and maybe can be a mission for a lot of these people who are going through this like to be able to sit with this pain and know that the reason why somebody's cutting off contact is usually because they themselves are in pain but they just haven't learned how to communicate that level of pain to you just yet right and the and finding one's Mission based on later life occurrences there's there's several of these uh like for example I mean so lots of people find their mission because of what they're going through um one of those is uh there was an the guy who created the biggest emergency operation in the world which is called hella uh was saw someone like dying or suffering or in some way and there was he couldn't do anything he couldn't do anything they had to just wait for an ambulance I don't know if the guy made it but but that helplessness is what that man had experienced is what caused them to be hella and the biggest Organization for helping ch um parents have children um which is called bon L thing building the they um it was someone it was people couldn't have kids sure and I just worked really hard on it and finally realized after everything they went through why don't we create an organization that streamlines this for parents makes it easier for them to to get to the you know to able to have kids or find out they can't but but so a lot of missions come out I just want to say my mission I want to share with you my mission my mission is is a bridge I'm a bridge which is very similar to connection I think so but I'm doing something uh a little different so after in in the in the mission seminar top seminar you um not only do you get your mission down to a word but you also need to um have a a short sentence that extrapolates what that word means to you so you would have to describe connection W okay and I the way I describe bridge is and then you totally understand me if you've watched my class you've been in my seminar You' know that that what bridge means bridge is I connect people to themselves to one another and a sh so to themselves the to each other I'm constantly working with people reconnect them from estrangement with others and to because well is you know I'm 33 years in Outreach like terrious like anything I can do to reach out to the Jewish people I do and I don't stop I've seen this I've followed your work for many years as a result of that it's been an inspiration to me and and my and it's to connect the person so so I've got it all compartmentalized and I'm constantly doing all of this you know at any given time I'm working with people like like I'll work with boys who are engage to get them ready to connect to their spouse because you know after I get to know them a little bit and ask them who do they really tell everything to and the answer is nobody you know and I said so you don't have a best friend well I have what we call a best friend but what is that really about but it's not a best friend cuz what's the definition of a best friend right and best friend is someone you can say anything to and he doesn't run away he stays friends that's a best friend yeah so they've never had one well they're about to get married and if they are not good at sharing themselves what do you think that wedding band is going to change nothing do you think no show themselves in marriage do you think that there is a I'm outside the system is baluba for almost 4 years hasem on fire flaming B flaming flaming uh bcha and excited about about it as well you know I came to Ariz course you're excited I came to yeah let's go we're not leaving um I came for two weeks stayed for five now here for eight extended for another two and a half months soem like it's been an amazing opportunity but I'm curious like you know out of we just come out of fishov and um you know I'm I'm I'm I'm hearing the amazing re over at ASA Tor where I where I was yesterday uh speak about Kos and like really understand of the the ideas that are proposed by these um Kos did they cry by any chance when they were introducing the Kos um there was some tears being shed especially when I'm the introduction when they're explaining the no uh one one at the at the end there was an incredible Rabbi there who uh Rabbi Elan and he gave a story personal story uh about his child and um he cried he cried I cried we all cried CRI it was unbelievable uh he spoke about he spoke publicly I hope it would be okay if I just share a moment of it but um it touched me so deeply because I've been going through some challenges with my own child over the last year um experiencing some of the same challenges that we're talking about today so and um you know it's given me a a place to start from and a mission as well like you said but the story was um how his child needed some some dental surgery and um the child was very young maybe two or three and Rabbi Elan spoke about um how he was able to sit on the chair to hold the child during this procedure and they had given the child some novacaine to numb up the area um but he says a little bit into the procedure he realized that the novacain was wearing off on the child and he said to the the surgeon like you know I think the the Nova's wearing off this kid's suffering kid's in pain and the surgeon said back to him you know I understand that that's a big concern for you but um I can feel myself getting emotional just telling it but uh but I'm way too far in the procedure to Nova cane right now so hold your son tightly I believe it was his son I hope it is uh meaning like I'm giving the right child but hold your son tightly and uh we'll get through the surgery and he began to um the child began to sarm he held his his child tightly and he could see how much pain he said the child was looking in his eyes he was looking back in his child's eyes and he uh he could see he could sense that level of pain that his child was in and he just kept holding tightly and tightly and tightly seeing the pain that his child was going through and the idea is um when the surgery is over you would think like the child would you know brmi made it through the surgery and um you would think that the child would like you know start getting upset with his dad and hitting over punching him like how could you see me suffering in that pain hold me down and he said the first thing that he did was he uh he gave him a hug a giant hug the kid the kid yeah and he said that he um you think about we go through this pain especially like you know we ask AEM like why am I going through so much pain our father and um Hashem holds us tightly and squeezes us tightly and sometimes when you have to go through that level of pain right it's it it it's it builds that connection you would have never let me go through that pain father you would have never held me that tightly if it wasn't for my own good he said I think that's an unbelievable lesson today with this estrangement with Hashem yeah with Hashem you know why else would you be going through this if I didn't love you if I didn't think that this was for your own best good I wouldn't put you through this I wouldn't allow you right it would be easier to walk away to get up from the procedure right so just an amazing amazing story and uh and that was an introduction to the final kenos and uh that really brought out some tears profession it was amazing so so I want to share with you something wild and that is that um I had I had a I used to lead the women's program I finally trained in women's leaders which is amazing a Four Women an amazing seminar leading and and the funny thing is is that at this point there um results are better than mine were so I guess I was not doing the best job I think I was doing a great job but uh but apparently the first 21 years of the seminar for the women's they really needed a woman a woman to leave it's deep thear very and and I guess it's just better not to have a man in the room so probably not yeah anyway but many years ago when I used to be there was a girl in the Seminary and she had um she had a strange to her family and she was the victim of U of you know extreme sexual abuse that was unfortunately at the hands of her father and um and the and so you know obviously she was absolutely um absolutely validated by all professionals and myself included to have left in a such a major way that that she was unlocated can't locate and um but the problem was leading the seminar is I could see that she's an absolutely miserable person she a miserable person and and my my um I I went I did something crazy I said sent to her listen I want you to be back in contact with your father at least you probably think I wanted to get her to get in content with her mother her mother's just the victim of all of this I mean I'm sure she wasn't enaer that's always like mothers often can feel at least vibrationally that their father that the man's up the husband's up to no good with the kids but but they like you know just don't feel the strength to stop it or whatever so they're often in trouble as enablers but anyway the whole room looks at me with like the women's there's like smoke coming out of everyone's ears right how could you yeah so I said wait let me explain what I mean by this what I mean by this is and here's how it works is you need to be back in touch with extreme rules and consequences set up Extreme Rules around the the the contact like these are regulations I call them boundaries but yeah boundaries conditions but they're real conditions I look at it as almost like a vessel like a cine right you put yourself within that so that you're protected you're safe as you move forward I think it's important exactly we all have those keep them on yeah so so I what I told her was here's what you're going to do he's allowed to send you a text once a month now oh by the way he she's knows she has her SP she knows that he's been get in touch this whole time you she the mother siblings yeah you get to know when people are out to find you you know she had her spies and and uh anyway he's allowed to send her one text a month two texts a month he's off for three months wow okay consequences if he finds out if he tries to find out where she lives 3 months anyway um it's almost a way to reinforce the behavior before the seminar had ended he got to send his first text she agreed to do this reluctantly he sent his first text she sent sent back me one of her spies told the father what the rules were and then she comes in on the last day of the seminar having had a loving text from her father and saying he would keep the rules [Music] and she said when I was you I we were going around the room various people were sharing their previous night's homework and which was reaching out to family members and various things like that so when um not in these kind of situations although sometimes often it was just like speaking up to something with your wife or speaking out something with your best friend or your or your parents you're closest with but whatever everyone's sharing when it got to her she said the following words strangest things she says you saved my life the whole room like almost passed out and I looked at her like what do you mean and like that wasn't even what I was trying to do here I was just going out on a limb taking a huge risk to see if maybe you're so miserable I didn't say this maybe you're such a miserable human being is because of this and she says you saved my life so I decided I'm going to keep trying this like I tried it once I'll try it again so obviously when you're dealing with a room full of people you always have people stranged and especially who stranged their parents and so every every single time the man or the woman said you saved my life every time it was always those words with one exception one thing another amazing you know what do they called when you do this room it's called a uh I forget what it's called Tony Robins does it it's called an in uh this is some cute word fancy word you know what I'm talking about I do I do I've seen a lot of his work yeah it's called the word infiltration is coming out uh anyway can't remember the word I'm sure on the comments I just go right this this word always intervention intervention God I knew was an i all right so I think infiltration works too by the way he I've seen his work where he'll he'll he'll oh you're having a problem great call them right now 10,000 people you're like hello you've seen him do that I've seen him do this yeah so I also do interventions but um unfortunately I don't get to film mine because I'm dealing with a population at this point hopefully we'll Branch out eventually but they know you can't have a camera in there you can't have everything so even the fact that you're there is completely confidential yeah it's crazy like no one's allowed unless someone told you that they're proud to have been there and go ahead and share it no one even knows you were there nor can you tell anyone they there it's a little looser but not totally looser if the person you're talking to as a graduate would be really excited that a friend of yours like the three of yours is a graduate you know meaning he's open about it you're open about it and the third guy he just doesn't know yet that he is part of this club I remember I I saw you speak one time I sat as a as an onlooker to the class we were both speaking at a at a shabbaton and um it was one of my first interactions as a from guy with uh with you know the the community yeah the community and I remember you you looked at everybody said okay this time I want you to turn towards your wife you know facing them almost touching KNE to knee and um just look and Gaz into each other's eyes and I sat as an a Then I then I let a dialogue for 20 30 minutes it was I was in I was sitting on the sides and I was watching this like this is an interes Dynamic and uh the bridge it was unbelievable to watch the level of uncomfortability between husband and wife who have never connected in this way it was unbelievable you had done and I thought to myself the whole time like do these people even know each other and um I Remember by the time you were done I think it was a 30 minute 40 minutes of them gazing and looking and and working through some things um and they turned their chairs back and we're talking about 200 couples manbe at least and 400 coupl I can't remember how many they're sitting far apart from each other um it was a it was a packed room 4 it was a packed room and um but when they had turned their seats back to be normal there was a there was this sense of of the seats were a lot closer than they were when they started and it was I was like wow this is amazing there's a level of um connection that we yearn for I wonder as an outsider um I hope this doesn't come out wrong but we teach in this system gar kashu and Haka and how to provide you know be a great mother in a Jewish Home and all these beautiful things but I wonder if we forget to teach how to tap into your emotions which I think is the work that you're really doing how to um Define your desire how to figure out what you want how to align your actions how to overcome your own fears uh to really move forward feel connected should be in the curriculum it should be it's just not I think that actually goes back to and speaks very clearly to the challenge that we're in these children don't know how to effectively communicate so it's easier to cut contact it's easier to be hoods dick it's easier to yell and scream and kick as if you're a 2-year-old throwing the T temp because you don't have the skill set that's really where my work comes in empowering the parents most most of the time sometimes I have the opportunity to speak to the children which is a blessing to empower both people with the set of tools on how to communicate first with yourself and then how to communicate effectively with somebody else it's powerful it's really right well what happens unfortunately is to rise to the top of the education system in our communities um it's rare that someone with high emotional intelligence would make his way there it's probably a lot less rare today in 2024 was probably less R but what had happened was that in order to be in a high position of Education um in the observing Community where there's absolutely no official training you ever went through you understand you can wind up being a principal or a principal or a a dean of some sort and um and you have zero formal education which means you didn't get to do all the other subjects on for example emotional intelligence training and stuff what you did do was you were very good at having your head in books right learning learning learning learning so you're very good at that which is not a people skill and very often the opposite meaning meaning very often that it's the mean the people I know who are I call them ones you they're up here these are twos yeah I'm a two and then the threes are the I'm a big 32 so I'm at 231 your everyone has a number syst yeah I'm at 231 so meaning I I do enjoy mountain biking and aitz and my three serving yeah my three is strong but but my main thing is two and um anyway but these ones to be a great Tusc you're one but emotional intelligence and interpersonal connection is a to so what do we do is people who can handle all the studies that you know getting a master's in education all that stuff what do we do and think while they're studying that they're learning a lot of two skills even though they're not twos but if you never touched any of those educational programs you never got your two wor done so if you're two then both sh you're going to have an amazing education uh organization meaning you're going to have an good great institution because you're a to who managed to keep your head the books long enough to be considered a leader of education but if you're not a two if you're not a two you are creating a problem yeah for yourself and everyone around you and it's interesting too like you said earlier as a leader when we see our leaders leading with this idea of disconnection and it's okay to do this and that but when our leaders are not tapped in emotionally our students aren't tapped in emotionally and it's sort of this uh lorva door of of people who who have missed out on the idea of of tapping in and following um you you see the yes students will like wear it as a badge of honor I'm not going to mention names of of famous like uh highest tear theas but they actual aware their lack of emotional intelligence as a bag and it's like that's not going to work well as a father you know not going to work well as a husband if you ever become an educator it will not work um as an educator and so but but where they getting as bad and want or what makes them the top buffer like this is they are emulating their ERS who are in position of power and they're pleasing them and you know obviously so much of who we are is from who we wanted to please so much of who we are is who we wanted to please this is why for example masculinity is taken such a diet for men in the last 70 years but but it just gets worse and worse if you ask oh I can ask you you weren't raised observant so what what did your father do what does your father do or did he do for the father was a great salesman salesman okay he was in sales which means he was uh either in his office making calls or he was out Mak sales yeah he on the road not with you not with me and which would leave your mother to be with you now here's the golden question because it's all so much of who we are is who we had to please so you had to please your mother your father was on the road now um I had the same thing my father was on the road he was sales and he wasn't he was in sales but he was running the whole company but probably the top salesman for the company as well the um here's the question go for it what was the gender of your teachers how many male teachers did you have between your starting which I guess would be called Kindergarten until um I don't know 8th grade 10th grade I don't know you tell me but how many male teachers I don't think there were any male teachers I don't think there were any B teachers none I had the same thing um I thought where you were going with this was you know wanting to please the person in this capacity like what was my first job which was in sales and that would have no we're talking about that you were taught to please women ah I see whoever you're Tau to please creates so much of who you are and I have it's actually served me very well but because I was raised like you so it caused me to have a fear of females W it caused me to have a fear of feeling why because I'm only as good as they give me the nod of meeting the teachers my mother you know was like was like that's where you find out your okay women are where you find out you're okay and if you're like most people you have all kinds of doubts on whether you're okay what's fascinating is therefore the women the scary on I'll tell you something through a divorc through raising a a young young daughter and even with the relationship with my mother um not only do I see that but I see that if I don't get the praise like the nod that yeah yeah you're doing okay it's easy for me to take that as a rejection and that's a whole another sure well it's why do you take it as a rejection because it's tapping into a deep down belief that you're not okay which everybody walks around with but it's amazing how women hold this and and for me it was a particular blessing because I had no idea I was going to discover Judaism later which says you know it's a real separation of genders definitely and then you marry and then you have this like incredibly pure relationship with your spouse where there's just nothing nothing else besides this like the only woman on the earth and he's your only man on the earth so well for many Bali chuba people weren't raised non observant she is the only woman in the world but but she's still uh you know but most people have a history sure so this fear of women actually kept me quite pure because I was just scared of the other women so my whole life I was scared of women and and today women are particularly scary too because the U the they oh because men like to get in Fist fites and women go for character assassination interesting yeah they go for yeah yeah by the way I'd rather get a fist fight yeah tell me yeah getting taken down you know it's by by women is is a real situation and for that M for that reason you and me and all of us have to you really got to be that careful I know I know rabbis record their calls oh 100% calls and they and um why what why are they reported the calls because in case they would ever have someone going for to assassinate their character happens is there what happens is a a female can have a crush on the rabbi or she can be like part of their household word she comes for shabas and stuff she has this crazy crush on the rabbi of course he's a married man he's like this is an impossible situation so but what she can do is take him down yeah 100% take him down meaning in some I mean obviously this is sociopathic psychopath to do that cuz he's not going to go with her you know she's just the one who ruined his whole life so but you understand like since she can't have him no one can't or something so she'll destroy she'll destroy I've seen this in divorce and uh I've seen this in in even my own circumstance where um when the relationship doesn't work out whatever the relationship is we're all in relationship you and I are all together in one way or another um they will use their their power that they have in in in speech to to tear down remember the rabbi the therapist the coach they they're put in a level of of power uh you're holding space for somebody who's in a deep dark place and if you can help that person move from that space um they almost see you as this savior um it's not Hashem but the Savior um that brought them up from the darkness and and helped them to see the light and there's a level I think attraction yeah that's a better word attachment is better than attraction but em almost and there's also something else uh that's a weird vibration that can happen is um is because you went because you were in the mud with them and now they're okay so you're this like constant Your Existence is a witness of the mud yeah you know what I mean yeah you were there I was there yeah it's a validation I think in a way I think we're all searching for that validation this is why Bal Chua rarely at least in the Yeshiva B Community they'll rarely have the rabbi who pulled them out of their mud make a br under their oh that's interesting so the rabbi what what would happen would be me and the a rabbis we'd all be drinking shots shots by the shot tale cracking up on the stories that we had to go through with the with the groom the groom's already under the h we're watching the Clipper from a distance because we know none of us will ever be called up for this CLI first of all I understand I understand the groom he's starting off his brand new life where EV when you're under that cpet everything was erased yeah everything goes away everything we've ever done who was erased and you're not going to invite the guy who like pulled you out of the mud to be part of that and and so we'll drink shots tell them funny stories about our our memory obviously none of the stories we're telling ones that we weren't all told because we were all involved with this guy no at all yeah we were all like we were in the mud with this guy I mean somebody these great guys who K you know just we wearing it on their sleeves so we got to all be part of the mud and get them out so anyway we're doing good shots cracking up about these stories and then looking up there while these rabbis who like he's been this the rabbi giv the BR been his Gamora rebi for like 6 months well meanwhile we for 2 years like trying to extract him out of Ben Yuda Street you know and somehow everybody has their place right get him off drugs or whatever else he was up to you know porn addiction or something and so meaning we're for years working with this guy and his gamor Rabbi like doesn't doesn't even remember his last name you know he's making the he recognizes him only by face but yeah he's uh but the uh and once in a while once in a while there was a sh who really made it to the top and became a great buffer and got married and lo and behold we're us all the Kies are the sh bu under the and but that's like that's a big man yeah that's a that's a guy who who went through the uh through your emotional intelligence dreaming that's that's a guy who did some work himself um by the way to be an Outreach Rabbi means you don't see the damage right you don't see the damage I used to get students used to get mad at me like one done was walking up japa Street shabas night and there's a there's a 24-hour store open liquor store on jafa Street on chabas and it's like one of the only stores open in chabas in anyways I'm walking by the store as I'm walking by the store I was particularly close to the door this time normally I just more near the train tracks I was soing on that sidewalk so I'm like coming right around the corner of the door of the store I'm going to head towards the tracks it's a Corner Spot yeah I think yeah you so as I'm doing that someone's walking straight into the store and we like we didn't but basic are colliding and I look up and it's one of my students from asan Tor on his way to buy a pack of cigarettes nice and I look at the guy like what the hell you doing where do you think you're going you're like what are you doing if that's not the invention I don't know what is so so it was like the Saturday like Saturday Night Live you no Sor the David letman show story you know that one which one is that well one of the H students had become observant and he went his name was David and and he uh he was in America but he just couldn't hold on any longer he couldn't keep another shs he was just he had nothing supporting him so he finally he finally broke one Friday night because his favorite show was day 11 but but the is David let him in Israel he had been on he's not a tra he had done something in Israel and um and so the person that was he was interviewing said him so oh no no the person he was interviewing had just come it was a movie star he had to shoot in Israel he was he was interviewing a movie star so David says to him what did you learn in Israel he said well I learned on Friday night that you say shabbat shalom so and then that right then he turns on his television he break shotless turns on his television and and the television says shabbat shalom Dave it's perfect and this guy Dave just like shut up and he was like what like that was when I turned on anyway so I run into this guy with a cigarettes going to buy his pack of cigarettes then give him hell just because it fun to do that course to play the RO so and he so I pull him aside you know they were standing on the side of talking he says listen gler ever since I have cont which is going half G you treat me as if I'm observant I'm not observant I'm not even a little with I don't keep Shas I don't keep ker I don't keep anything like I'm not observant and I would appreciate if you'd stop treating me as if I am whereas countless thousands of students and hundreds not maybe not hundreds tens come up to me afterwards and said you know one of the things that got me observant was the fact that you saw me as holy as you saw yourself the day I walked in you just saw me as just as pure as everyone else well you know after a few months I started liking that more than the way I liked being with my you know my family in in uh whatever Memphis wherever the guy was from I mean it feels good yeah it's nice to be treated holy and I tell you something amazing is that if people treat you as holy it feels really good so treat people that way yeah it's pure it's yeah treat people as pure as you would want to be treating I think that's the golden rule is it not but people really do get traction as I saying before we are so much of who we are is who we're pleasing so if they're pleasing their friends from their their Hometown in Memphis Tennessee or they're pleasing their their rabbis who see them as pure so Purity is what becomes you you become pure because that's who you're pleasing now obviously we're not being pure because we're trying to please people we're not even being pure to please a Shem I don't think I think we're being pure because when you're pure you're um ability to connect to God is is easier you know hard connect God struggle when you're covered with mud you know and your conscience is beating you up badly have you seen it the other way though I I feel like I have in a lot of ways in my own personal Journey with you know the work that I'm doing is from that mud from that pain there is a level of connection and if you can see it if you can really see Hashem it's very aggressive term yeah it from the mud yeah there's an incredible um um I'm down I'm down like I've seen so many people struggle and look there's two ways you could go away from Hashem you could go towards Hashem it's there but there's always Hashem there's always Hashem right so works one way or another yeah there's a great um it's by baritz par Kisa and I believe it's the fourth fourth Fourth alah r that talks about um Moses says to Hashem like okay we're you know like show show me your show yourself to me andem says toosha nobody can see me uh from the front and live and I heard a great Rabbi I wish I can just no no man can see me that no right okay so so I remember um the the way that this was given over but but Hashem says but if you wait over there on that rock MOS I'll pass by you can see me from the back and a great Rabbi again I wish I could remember who it was that told me this he says that it's very difficult to see Hashem when you're facing your problem you're facing what you're going through but from the back you can see why Hashem did everything that he did in order to move you through that situation from the back right rather than facing the issue from the back and I think it's such a powerful message um being in the mud and not understanding why you're there how you got there and how you're ever going to get out but knowing that once you do get out you'll be able to look back and see exactly why you were in the mud and that from the back yeah from the back exactly from the back meaning looking back in hindsight which is very clear the vision is clear in hindsight powerful very cool I I try to think about that I've gone through a lot of trauma um I think trauma is a spark that can ignite that flame within you that we all have um that can really bring Hasen into your life and it was for me um there sometimes there's no other choice yeah there's some I think there's there's certain densities to souls yeah and a denser Souls got to like you got to rub things together to get the spark yeah 100% you know and then there's there's Souls that are not so dense that um it wouldn't be helpful it wouldn't help anything to help them suffer that with that Soul needs a lot of like high TOS or something cab I watch it in my classes I can see there's certain people chisel certain people need to be like dragged across the coals definitely in order to heat them up and the other ones are like all I have to give him some really high T and you just see this light ignites and you'll see that same guy 20 years later 30 years later 40 years later I see them decades later same exact lights just like a you lip the lamp and it's been burning ever since BR is amazing thing though then you get the high F people those guys going up in a lot of well they burn out it's like uh somebody once gave over a a story about uh you know going camping and you build this flame and it's it's an inferno you know you seen this in like the pit and uh you you cannot C a hot dog in that in that or hamburger or anything you cannot cook in that level of Inferno you have to wait for the Flames to die down and for the coal to heat up to such a point where there's a a sustained level of heat and I always think about like even myself you know you're on fire I said this in the very beginning I was on fire and then all of a sudden like I think people's concern is like it's going to burn out and then where is that guy going to be and that's a scary thing yeah he knows way too much but he has no strength to carry on yeah so to mention all the people he burned in his in the Wake right just throwing his fire around you know I also you get Fiery people very attracted to fiery people and so two fire people now married so who's going to make the Chun right so they so actually I recently I think the most fiery female in the world today um I I found a man who's like he likes Cabella which is good she's I only thinking cabala he likes cabala but he's really a security guy who like Works in security around the world and know big company could easily afford her fter events you understand so I think like might a good sh and he'll just be you know be probably a little strange for everyone who knows that he has this this fiery B Che lady as his wife I'm reminding myself to make this um please remind me after this I don't forget I will I will I'm going to remind you me as well I've never made a sh if that helps the insightful people are terrible why is that um well that's not so much why is that it's it's really why are the opposite of insightful people they have there's these people who like I don't know the wires are crossed inside of them or something like some kind of weird wire or are crossed and they can see who goes with it but don't ask an advice and then all the people you would think would be good at CH are the ones you'd ask advice to ask ask anyone the people you find in sight ask them how should right probably zero zero yeah I've did I've done it like got walk ask all the like super insightful rabis how many should none I give like one because like the couple showed up their sh it just worked I'm hoping for that as well by the way had plenty of those but not because I thought it my wife's also super inle zero it's so funny every time she meets single person she's like who do we have for you and I always look at her and I don't say the words I'm like no one that's who we have married 30 years so um what I wanted to share with you is um every person that I did this with it was the strangest thing would always say you saved my life meaning every person who got back together with family with all the rules everyone of them about the rules said you save my life until finally a really intense situation A guy was a man and he had estranged himself from the family or estranged his family from him and he didn't say he saved my life first time so I was like here I am like meeting everyone's going around the room off yeah like the first time it ever happened that they said I didn't by the way I never even understood what they meant when they said I sa but they always would say you save my life anyway this guy so I started asking him questions I'm like so so um so how' it feel and he says it felt great I'm waiting for he said that so this asked and this I ask and that and then I realized oh I got the question I said to him how did you feel before you made contact with your father and you know he said I felt dead which was such an Insight definitely to how people feel when they're AR strange from their parent even if their parent is the perpetrator and so and so what what I wanted to share with you is that is that there's there's something about our parents that we have to have at least a threat of connection to it's we're not if you cut that thread and it's the thread it's like a nothing it's a Texton but you cut that thread you're dead you keep a thread you're alive it's the weirdest thing it's very interesting because parents who see their kids contact who are footed dick disrespectful in all different ways they take it yeah the kids are the I call them adult children um but the parent takes that so personally right they hear the words that their child's saying to them they they internalize it it must be that that's truth what I always say is if I handed you a lemon then you squeeze that lemon what would come out lemon juice why because it's a lemon no because that's what's inside I've squeeze lemons and nothing comes out an srub when it like strolls up if I had to do an orange and you squeeze the orange what would come out orange juice yeah why that's what's CU that's what's inside and usually when the child is squeezed when there's some kind of pressure or whatever it is that they're going through and what comes out of them is CL the DI what comes out of them is anger it's because that's what was inside of them so really when somebody cuts that last thread like you say it's a result of where they're holding not where the parents holding and that's the key if they can realize and look inside themselves the child and I'm not saying but there are parents parents who overstep boundaries there are parents who um you know see see their agenda is more important than their child's or or maybe they just don't know better but that is an opportunity in this situation prali ination is such an incredible gift in a way saving a child's life saving your own life um because you can go inwards and reflect on what's inside of you and if you put goodness inside of you I always say um you're a happy a lucky person I see you always got a smile on your face riding down with your bike you know waving to everybody you see uh I've seen you on the sides of of of all different sharim and things are always holding people and holding space for them um you believe in God seems like you have an incredible marriage a beautiful family how many people have you cut off contact with recently zero so when you're holding in a space that is really and I I know this I actually you're saying when your juice is pure or good or tasty because then when you're right no why would you be right same thing with hasem you know when you're feeling good about who you are when you're feeling confident it's easier to be connected and so again this is this is an opportunity for growth like you said like it's always about you right going inwards and reflecting like how can I show up differently how can I be better if you have two people that are doing that a parent I'm the son right or the parent and the child I should say and that's why I say like in pren alienation the job of the parent is twofold really only two things one they have to be a leader and I always say by example they have to lead they have to show up consistently they have to do the work on themselves they have to show up as more emotionally aware and emotionally available for themselves and for others and two is they have to create safety this word safety by the way has been thrown away around way too much I think it's the most overused word of the century you know everybody needs to feel safe m in the dam plan I I I think it's very important but safety is built through a level of consistency right when the child you know the story that you tell I think is so powerful when the child gives the boundary I like to use boundaries walls walls fences I think it's it's putting somebody out I think a boundary like a pool contains within it right the goodness it keeps people safe and you know where you are any any given time but if that child sends a message to their father and gets one response today another message tomorrow and gets a different response they don't know who that father is so if the father doesn't spend the time becoming really aware and consistent of their own actions there will never be a level of safety built for the child when there's safety people want to come close I always say the opposite of safety is is what it's walking on eggshells and we all feel that like I don't want to you know I don't want to mess them up I don't want to mess I have this relationship I don't want to lose it okay it might be hanging by a thread but it's a thread nonetheless and I'm not coming close to your dumpster flyer I'm not going to come close to your Shaky Ground uh there's a seesaw there's probably a playground around here where we can go and you sit on one side of the Seesaw right I sit on the other side it'll be a fun afternoon I promise you we'll go up and down the different between this is that there's a there's an inverse relationship on one side there's fear and on the other side there's confidence so when your fear is high your confidence is low when the confidence goes up fear goes down and I think that fear is really preventing people from being their authentic self that you talk about a lot and putting themselves out there in a way that makes them vulnerable so that even if they have to sit in the essence of him somebody else's pain they don't take that on as their own I think it shut off cuz it says you need Wi-Fi just now it's ready to going for an hour it's often yeah I'm saying you could see you like you both paused what should I press later on Wi-Fi orary data aary data going again mhm that about the seong in confidence versus fear yeah I always say there's an inverse relationship between confidence and fear meaning right on the Seesaw fear is high right then confidence would be look oh you're saying in the same person yeah in the same person yeah 100% oh sorry with I was talking about I thought you were saying see I my reference in the seaw was us you know two things on either side or an inverse relationship as one goes up the other goes down so yeah within one person if there's a level of confidence there's very low fear and with confidence right I like to think about confidence and esteem two different things maybe one of the same but the idea of of self-esteem is how you see yourself and this idea of conf conf is how you believe other people see you and it takes a stee for you be able to see uh other people seeing the goodness in you and I think that's a that's a key which again takes this back to U the work that you can do on you even in these situations where there's disconnection and Trauma you know and and and uh and really tough tough relationships it's hard it's hard but it provides an amazing opportunity for you to be a better person better are you I feel like we could do even more but I'm also feeling that um we should pause great yeah thank you so much um yeah amazing I think there's a lot of teaching points there and um yeah let's let's as Bob Marley says let's get together all [Music] together anyway Rabbi great to see you I'm two of you here in Israel I'm going to live by two of you going forward some people know me as Jason Jason blow at home so um how are you reachable I'm reachable online yeah um although I am switching over the website to embrace my tuist uh currently I'm online at Jason blow bl.com you can find the work that I'm doing and uh reach out to me from there jason.com thank you so much such an honor such a pleasure it's a great being with you again than than