Ahavat Israel must start with good communication - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] Yes, but is not a revealed sin. I mean, I can hate you. I can smile to you all day long, but in my heart, I hate you. Now if I do one of the three sins of the first beta mikdash idol worship you see me on the floor and forbidden religion everybody can see that and murder bloodshed it's obvious it's a very obvious act but I can walk here and smiley all day long and hi how are you and in my heart hate you with all my guts so the sin is not revealed so the hate is inside and unfortunately this is the bad news that everybody hates hates other people. I mean, I didn't meet a lot of people that have true real love to everybody unconditionally, even if they hurt them. So, you you don't know if somebody hates you. That's what I mean that the sin is not revealed. The sin we know it was notam, but the hate I mean, you know, there's a lot of problems with schlumb between a husband and wife when when couples come to me for for for marriage counseling. So I separate them and I first listen to what they have to say and all complaining and the complaint that I hear all the time. He doesn't appreciate me. He doesn't say I look good. He doesn't say this. She doesn't. Why? You you love your wife. Tell her I love you. You appreciate your your husband. Tell him I appreciate your hard work. Because we want we we're we're are we are creatures that need this this uh acknowledgement. So I can carry this unbelievable love to my child if I don't tell my child once a day that I love him. He doesn't know I love him. How would my child know that I love him? Because I support him and I buy him clothes and I feed him and I worry about him all day long. He doesn't know I love him. For him, it's a common thing. My father has to give me money. A child needs to hear me telling him at least once a day, I love you. I appreciate you. So, you know, my wife used to complain all the time, "You don't think I'm pretty?" I told her, "I think you're the most prettiest woman in the world." She was like, "You never say that." I said, "But I told you once, you're pretty, and you didn't change. You look exactly the same." So, she was like, "But I need to hear it." Says, "Okay, so I'll tell you every day you're pretty." So, she knows that I think I'm pretty. I know that she's pretty, but what's in my heart is doesn't go by Wi-Fi to the another person. So this is on the positive side of it that people need to hear you have a worker he he wants to hear you saying you did a good job thank you. So it's the same way the other way around. I mean I can hate somebody not say anything. It's much more healthier to tell a person straight to his face listen I don't like what you did than to carry this animosity in me. So even though it's not the right way and there are ways to share it but it's much more healthy to come to a person and say you know you hurt me yesterday. I don't like what you did that I don't like that you did this and that. This is not nice. This you get it out. So when I said that the sin was hidden, it's not a reveal not in a revealed way. That's the problem. And that's the problem of because a lot of people pretend that they like somebody or they put on on a nice face and in the art they would if they if they could they would kill you. So that's the that's our problem and it it I mean you can take from that the lesson of the negative side but take from that the nesting of the positive side that you have a feelings and emotion share it share it with your kids your kids need to know what you go they don't know even though your husband knows that you love him very much you can tell him every day you know I appreciate that you wake up at 5 in the morning to go and work I know you work hard I know it's not easy for you I appreciate it don't think that I don't appreciate it so of Of course, when it's done with with the right intention, not fake. But I see it for example with my kids. They need to hear what I think. They need to hear that I'm proud of them at least once a week. I'm proud of you. So you have to incorporate it. Not not only a wife, husband, kids. We're human beings. We need to get this acknowledgement all the time. Very few people don't need to hear it. So from anything bad, you can learn something good. So this is a severe sin that we were failing for thousands of years and as a result from that we lost our beta mikdash. So don't don't concentrate on the negative on the sin. Take from that the the learning oh I shouldn't keep things inside me. Today I met this man that is very close to me and he was going through a tough time and he's he was in hospital a long story and his daughters really hurt him and he was so he's like I don't want to talk to them ever again and I told him I understand you're very upset with them but what good would it do that you're keeping this anger inside of you think it's going to make you better I know you're upset forgive them this is a very very hard mid it's called in Hebrew in English it's for bitterness somebody hurts me doesn't matter if it's deliberately or intentionally I still forgive him because the same story when we learn that that that that you know there was a certain individual that killed that cursed him and you know then at the time was the general was Yav and he told David I have to kill him he cursed the king and David says no no no told him to to curse so even when somebody does something bad to me. That's Hashem's and I told don't keep this anger inside of you because it's just, you know, it grows and it grows for your own sake. It will hurt you. I mean, people suffering, people get sick because they're holding anger and and and negative feelings for years. They can't let go from from a certain feeling. So, I told him, "What good would it do?" But more than that, it creates this emotion if you don't let it out. So I can understand they hurt you but don't keep it inside. This is where this comes from because you can't people don't want to deal with situations but unfortunately this is a very big test but what I meant is that it's hidden. It's not it's it's even like in a very refined way even between couples. I mean, a husband can hurt the wife's feeling. And if she keeps it inside, she's developing this anger. Instead of just saying, "Listen, it's not nice what you just said. You hurt my feelings." Probably most likely a normal husband will turn around right away, say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." But a lot of people, they don't want to, they don't open up. So they carry around a certain individual something happened between me and him and I just made a comment and it was completely not in a mean way and after 3 days he exploded and he's like you know you hurt me with that comment and I didn't sleep and I this I told him I don't even know what you're talking about I just told you you know a I told him why did you carry it for three days you should have told me on the spot what did you mean, why did you say that? I said, I didn't. It wasn't even directed at you. I just made a comment. He understood it the wrong way. Instead of right away dealing with it and saying, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why did you say that? And right away, I would give him an answer. I didn't even mean what you think. So for 3 days, he hated me. That's why did you hate me? Judge me for maybe I didn't mean what I said. Maybe I had a slip of my tongue. The point is that we constantly see it's not necessarily that a person walks down the street and he's dressed different than me then I hate him for no reason. It's also somebody can do something to me and but the person even mean even didn't mean to and I still hate him. Why? Come and tell the person wait a minute you know what the act that you just did really hurt me. Did you what did you mean? Why did you say that? Probably most likely half of the times the person said I didn't even mean to. I just said I didn't even mean to hurt you. So can come in many different forms and unfortunately that's what causes separations because when people don't deal with situations and they keep it buried inside then it grows and it grows and then it goes completely out of hand. So you can learn from that many different things in many different levels. And when any type of relationship, husband and wife, parents, employers, when there's good communication, as sometimes as uncomfortable as it might be, good communication solves all the problems. And then you don't carry this hate in you. And unfortunately, almost every human being if you if he really looks in the depths of their heart, they're carrying some type of anger or hate towards somebody else. I know people that they hate somebody that did to them 40 years ago. Let it go. let it go. So this is another form of holding this negativity. And I strongly believe that half the diseases people get is because they're holding this negative emotions in them. They don't know how to let go. Somebody said something 40 years ago. 40 years they're carrying this hate, this anger cuz somebody said he said that 40 years ago. So let it go. It's not doing anything any good. Just forgive is is forgiving. So it be like the forgive too. Let let it go. Doesn't matter right now if you said it on purpose, didn't say it on purpose. First let it go. So this is again these are all different forms of of of that I hurt another person for something he did to me 20 years ago. And that's mainly what we need to work on because we always carry this hate and anger towards other people. That's why people who are 100% open and they just say what they have to say. Yeah. Sometimes it's rude. It comes off rude, but it's one of the best way to just get it off their chest right away. Really, not everybody processes that quickly, though. I mean, to know why you're upset by what somebody said, it's not always Yeah, you don't have to do it right away, but as long as you don't hold it inside. Of course, sometimes you need a week to process what's going on, but it's a very healthy motion to pro to something negative happens in your life is you sit down instead of, you know, reacting right away. Most people would react right away. The smart way is to okay, let me analyze what's going on here and you make your analysis and then you say, okay, how am I approaching this? It doesn't have to be instant. But the point is a lot of people, you know, they carry this anger or they say years. That's what I mean. That's not a good thing. Sometimes you need a week or two, let things calm down, then come and approach it. But it depends. I'm just talking very general now. It depends. I mean with in a in a fight between a husband and wife sometimes it has to be addressed right away. Sometimes a day or two to relax is good. Same thing with anything. I mean, the point is that one should always know how to deal with what's going on internally to be able to to approach it the right way and not walk around with some anger because somebody said something and I'm and in my mind I'm going developing this entire storm in my mind and the person just was innocently just said a word or turned did a hand movement and a person can create a whole thing in his mind. He moved his hand. What did he mean? I'm just giving one example out of many. The point is that what's going on in our heart we you know we can't read minds and we can read each other's emotions. And the problem is a lot of people are closed. They keep it inside and it eventually it affects them. So you know it can be between a husband and wife and mainly between parents and kids. Kids are some most kids right away they get they they lock themselves up. Very few kids have already the nature or they feel the confidence to right away come and talk and it's up to the parents to know how to give this form of security to the kid that come right away come and talk about it. Don't don't leave it inside. It's a very bad habit to leave things inside. Why? Because in the beginning it could be a misunderstanding or even if it's not a misunderstanding even even if it's 100% if you're right. But deal with it. Bring it out. What did you mean? Let's talk about it. you hurt my feelings. But most people, human nature is you keep it inside. I got hurt. That's it. I don't talk to him anymore. So, okay. So, for one week, maybe it's good. For one week, you don't sleep. So, you're getting stomach aches already from that. That's that's that's not a smart way to work. Of course, each each scenario is completely different. Each thing can needs to be dealt different. But the point is that it's not healthy to keep things inside. You want to constantly straighten things out. Now, us as an adult, we're already already okay. We're we're all our life is to start fixing things. The the the smart part is to see it and already start at least educating our kids. I mean, I educate my kids. Doesn't matter what happens. Talk about don't don't bury it inside you because if you let it out real fast and you know how to deal with it. If you keep it in for two years, three years, then it becomes 40 years. I know people that they carry this hate for years. cuz somebody did something to them 50 years ago. Let it go. Now after a week, it's easy to let go. After 50 years, you can't. So in any type of interaction, the right way is to put things on the table. Doesn't matter if it's right away, a week later. But the point is to not to keep things inside. And we kind of sidetrack to that from. But that's the the the the beginning of because you know one time I I I I give you an example. But I went on a bus and I sat down and sits to me not observant Jew. And as I sit down next to him, he goes like that. And I'm like, I'm not contagious. Why you Why are you doing that? So he kind of mumbles, they're all the same. Said what? He's like, you're all the same. I said, you don't even know me. How do you say that I'm all the same? So he started throwing all these slogans and of course he threw ah you don't go to the army. I said I didn't go to the army. Where were you in the army? And he starts he started like a he wanted to argue and I was like you told me I didn't go to army. I did more army than you and your father together. Why you saying you know me? How do you know where I was in the army? Cuz I have a beard right away. That's it. I didn't go to the army. So then when I was running in Lebanon you were a kid playing but football. Don't tell me I didn't go to the army. So anyways, we started a whole argument. Ah, you don't work. I said, I don't work. I work harder than you. So, you know, he anyways we we slowly slowly got into a conversation and all the these theories that he had, they didn't fall on the right person. So, the point was that I told him, look how how ignorant you are. You see me dressed in black with a long beard right away. I didn't go to the army. I'm a schleer. I'm uh I'm feeding I'm milking the country. I'm not paying taxes. What are you my my accountant? How do you know what I'm doing? You just analyzed me because of my look. I told him, I'm sorry to tell you very you're very ignorant. You're very ignorant and undeveloped. I don't know. Did I sat next to you like this? You're desecrating Shabbat. No, I I don't see you different than me. The point is that a lot of people they see you, they just run away. They analyze you. Oh, she's dressed like that. Oh, she's she moves like this. H how how are you analyzing me? You don't even know me. I can be your best friend now. How can you Why are you putting me down? I can I I can be the one that if you special me on accident, I'll come in with ambulance and save you. How do you know who I am? How dare you even analyze me and and completely negative without even knowing me? So the point is that we don't know what's in each other's hearts or minds. And this development of this it starts somewhere and then it's like a bubble starts developing and developing. So I can now tell you something. Oh, I don't like gray shoes. That's my opinion. I don't like gray shoes. You can start developing now in your mind. How dare you? Gray shoes are the best. And how dare he? And he has black shoes. I just said some comment. I'm just giving a very far-fetched example. But the point is that as individuals we take one word that somebody say and we take it out of context and know that's it and the right way to to to deal with anything is to first to make a quick analysis why who and something bothers me talk about it and that's what develops the because this individual could have told me you know I'm sorry to tell you my opinion is that all the religious people are the same. Oh, so let me talk. Let's talk about your opinion. But he doesn't know me. And the example I'm giving this example cuz he developed this hate to me without knowing me. That's enough. I told him, you know, if you would remove this beer right now, we could have been maybe best friends. How do you know? What? You judging me because of a hair or because a jacket? Told him you you have to make a whole bikbite. It's like this this is your level because I'm dressed a certain way that's it. So this is a and I just give one example out of many is that sometimes you look at a person you don't know nothing about that person and right away you made your analysis that's it that's the person. So this is one example out of many we deal all day long. Hashem puts us in these situations that we constantly we don't know what's the other person thinking right now and I'm already building theories in my mind. So there are many different forms of the point is to first of all you give another person the benefit of the doubt. I don't know who you are. Maybe you're amazing. Maybe you're great. Maybe you're 10 times better than me. Anything that I would just think of. That's the right attitude. And if when you apply that then any type of encounter that you have will be good whether it's your husband your kids your employers your neighbors because you constantly have the motion okay says he didn't say he says so it means that who am I learn from everybody I can learn from everybody which means that it means that I'm looking at every individual and any individual Jew that I'm sitting in front of can teach me something and he's better than me than something. I'm sure you're better than me than 100 things and I'm sure you're better than me than 100 things. I might be good in these things, but every individual in the world has qualities that are much better than me. So, it's a very limiting way to look at another person and right away be like, "Oh, I'm much better. I'm smarter. I'm more religious. are more this is what develops this this feelings of is not necessarily standing and hating another person. It's everything around it. So you can have in a very severe way towards a person that you don't even know and you can have in a very refined way to your husband cuz he said something not nice to you in the morning and the whole day you carrying this. How dare you? How I'm going to come home? I'm not making dinner. So the point is that we are we are very sensitive creatures and when and when we put things out it's very healthy. I teach my kids don't don't carry anger. Come on talk to me. I'm not going to get upset at you. And if I need to get upset I'll get upset. But you know you don't get business done when you hold things inside. So if you need a week take a week. You need a day take a day. But I don't like holding anything inside because it's it bubbles and then once it bubbles it goes out of control. That's even worse. But it, you know, it's it it grows. I used to tell my kids, I used to tell them every time you get angry, there's like a fit for anything. I tell them, count to 10 and think during those 10 seconds, think only good things. And if you're mad at your friend, if you're mad at us, always think of something good. You know, sometimes it works. It like calms them down. It's in anything, you know. Unfortunately, I see it more and more in our generation, which I blame it on certain things, but everybody's aggravated. Everybody's tense, and you know, somebody cuts you in the road, blows the horns, curses. So, you know, I I I I blame it a because we're getting this radiation around us all day long. All day long we're getting radiation from all the cell phones and antennas everywhere. That's enough to aggravate a human being. And I'm not joking. It's serious. This radiation is aggravating us. Second is our nutrition. Our nutrition is not so good. So it's also aggravating us. I'm not people blame it the economy stress. No, it's it's different things. But the reality is that most people are aggravated all day long. I mean I drive now in the in the road. Everybody's aggravated because nobody takes a moment to say, "Wait a minute. Why why why do I need to curse another person who who drives not responsible? What does it what good does it do to me?" And that ties to the same thing with with holding things inside. So not for nothing, we we failed in that big sin of because it's a very hard challenge. It's a challenge that it's very hard for me to tolerate a group of people. That person is annoying. That person talks too loud. That person chew with his mouth open. Because the point is that all the people who aggravate me are my my mirrors. And the kadu wants me to become better. I mean people in the religious world feel that their focus and their life has to be about Torah and mitzvot which is very important. But the great student of the vital he says yes to mitzvah are very important. We have to do them. But our main aod in this world we came to do what's called I have to come to refine my character traits. And that's why I came down here. I can live here for 80 years to work on one mida. And the kadoshu is so kind that he puts in front of me hundreds of mirrors that I can look in the mirror and say, "Oh, I don't look so good." I mean, every human being before they go out to a party, they go to work, whatever, they comb their hair, they straighten their tie. So, Hashem makes sure that he's putting a lot of mirrors in front of me and one mirror will show me that I'm impatient and one mirror will show me that I'm annoyed and one mirror will show me that I'm lacking trust. puts in front of me all the annoying people, an annoying wife, an annoying child, an annoying neighbor, an annoying boss. Everybody's annoying me. But the reality is that there there's nothing wrong with that individual. It's just a mirror that I'm looking at and I'm getting annoyed from that person because there's something in me that I have to fix. If I'm getting annoyed from a certain individual, then it means that I have a problem with my patience. I have to work on my mid of my patience of so the constantly will put in front of me the right individuals to make sure that I can look oh that person chews with his mouth open and it annoys me means that I'm having an issue with a I do something that annoys somebody else and if I have a problem with anger is going to put a child that all day long makes a mess on the floor so I know if to control my anger or to be like it's okay nothing happened. He will give me a very sloppy child that all day long spill things on the floor. So I will say instead of getting upset at a three-year-old and no, I have a problem with anger, I need to breathe, right? I need to go and work out. I need to do something with my anger to relax it. There's not a problem with the child. He's three years old. So the is very very courteous and he puts a lot of mirrors in our life. the the smart person looks at the mirrors and says, "Oh, I didn't know that I'm lazy. Oh, I didn't know that that I'm oh I didn't know that I talk loud." So the kadu is very very kind to us and the more the person analyzes everything then he lives his life in a much more healthier way and anger is a very big problem. I have a series online of tikunid and it's a very long it's it's hours and hours of of classes but I explained that the there there's always the the good side the positive and the negative so the ultimate positive mida is midata being humble and the the negative of that that's of being proud these are the main the the first the head and from gava. A person who has a lot of gava, a lot of proud, pride, then that will birth anger and sadness and then from anger and sadness it will start birthing other midot frustration, depression and so forth. It goes like in an hierarchy in steps. So the person wants to go and figure out how to fix his midot. He has to backtrack all the way up. What what what's the originate the what's where is this mida originating from and the puts this mirror in front of you and then you can look oh my problem is there most people they have they don't have the mida of real being humble so their ego says no no there's nothing wrong with me it's his fault it's his fault it's his fault I'm fine should know how to fix our midot [Music]