After Hours with Rabbi Yaron Reuven (3)

[Music] no questions yeah did drink wine in the afternoon because you ate right okay okay only the guy that's doing the B is drinking wine not everybody huh no I don't and even if they taste from they take a sip you don't get drunk off a sip you don't get buzzed off a sip we're talking about Dr somebody is drinking wine and someone is getting a buzz out of it taking a sip for K is fine there no problem and most of the time they use a uh what's what they use uh uh grape juice anyway but even if they use Wine fine you take a sip out of it for the uh for the uh no problem that's not that's not what we're talking about we're talking about drinking wine where you're actually drinking and you're getting tipsy that is a problem next okay so online they have a bunch of questions you guys I'm sure have some questions so before I go online okay any questions doesn't matter what the questions are doesn't have to do with this a l okay good brain listen Le a lot sure we do exactly at least do a little bit right completely and a lot of them up okay so how do you go it well fir first it depends on what kind of you know you have to you can't just uh expect people to listen to you because you speak like just because somebody speaks doesn't mean anyone wants to listen so first and foremost you have to look at it in a way where when they your relationship with them is different than my relationship with you is or my relationship with everybody else here the reason why is because your relationship with them is they view you as let's say the merchant they're the customer or you're the customer they're the merchant so they're expecting a certain level of professionalism there when you start throwing religion at them they're they're completely thrown off by it because this is not what I'm buying so we not just customer as this is this is you already became friends okay so first if if it's not just okay so initially I thought it was just like any customer okay so if if they if you already became friends with them then you have to look at it in ways how they view you if they view you as someone that's something they want to be like then you should teach them but if they don't then you should tell you should give them somebody else to teach them so that's why I say like for example one of the worst decisions that b Chua usually make is they try to rebuke their family usually people that do Chua the first thing the first customer they want to help do Chua with is their family their father their mother their brother their sister this is the worst decision of all and the reason why is because your father your mother your brother your sister and all the people you had your whole life at this moment you just did Chua they don't look at you as someone that they want to be like they look at you're someone that's going through an experience maybe a phase maybe it'll last maybe it won't last but it's not something they want to be like you're doing it do you good luck sometimes they like it sometimes they support it but it's for you it's your thing has nothing to do with them why are you trying to make me do what you're doing so in the beginning stages for you to to try to help people do kiru it's already a bad move because they don't view you as anything special next next thing is is that even if you wait some time you wait six months you wait a year you wait two years before you try to get them to Cha the another problem that most vet Chua hate with their own family is that their family will never ever view you as a religious person even if you go to Nets even if you learn toah even if you this even if you that first few years they're not going to view you that way and the reason why is because they're always going to view you as the way they saw you the majority of your life you're alive in this world for 30 years they know you for 28 for those 28 you are you were secular you were reformed you were this you were that you definitely not sadik that's the way they want to remember you so when does that eventually change it changes when you get to such a point where your behavior without doing kiru become something they want to do meaning you're the way you manage yourself the way you run your life how happy you are how successful you are how good you feel and look as a result of your chuva that's something they want to do they want to be like you not because of your chuva but because you're happy because you are emulating something good and if chuva is required to do something to be like that I want to do it the problem is with a lot of B is a lot of them are not happy because they're so focused on the exterior they're so focused on building the the beard and the hat and fitting in and going to prayer extra early and yelling at everybody to do everything or else they're going to go to gay and doing all these things yes it's don't get me wrong you have to rebuke people you have to get people to wake up but there's a certain way to do it and there's certain people to do it with so when you do with people that are not the right people at least not the right people for you more likely you're going to turn them off than you are going to turn them on so the first thing that I recommend for people is on family and friends and pretty much everyone you know from your past take a CD and give it to them don't do anything else don't say you should keep this you should keep that first let them watch he is a CD is Rabbi youron ruvin is Rabbi MRA is's whatever Rabbi you like you give him a CD you give him a link watch this what is it about it's good it what what is it about it's about good and what else and good and what else amazing don't describe anything don't give him a pitch don't give him nothing just say watch this just like you sent somebody a joke on you know some some type of funny film on YouTube or on Facebook or any of these waste of life websites that have things for us to waste our life with you send him a video you don't tell them listen this is a scene of a cop saving ducks in the middle of the highway you don't write a paragraph you just send him the link and if he clicks on it good same thing send him the link let him click on it he'll watch the whole thing if not the next one but give him a CD give him a link and hope for the best that's it pray for them that's the first thing you should do if they watched it they're going to come to you they're going to come to you already by your themselves why because then their predisposition is going to be their their the way they're going to think about it is that it was their idea it was their idea to watch they're going to forget that you sent them and the CD or you gave them the CD they're going to forget about that they're going to think that watching this Shure that just changed their life was their idea now they want to learn more about it I need to go ask somebody that's religious who's religious oh Steve Steve is the cha let me call Steve forget you forgot that Steve is the one that gave a CD let me call Steve and see what he thinks about this do you ever see this RAB yeah yeah yeah act stupid don't say I'm the one that send you the CD you should say thank you to me I saved your life the rabbi said I created you don't say any of that don't say any of that act like oh yeah wow amazing I'll watch it with you watch it again give him strength that's how you do so with family friends you do it indirectly you have somebody else speak to them now with complete strangers that don't remember you from your past then that's somebody you can speak to based on how your relationship is because they're going to judge you based on you today they don't know you from the past they don't know you how you were in the past so therefore they're going to if you look like someone they want to be like they're going to ask you questions about it but if you're one of these people that wears a hat and has a beard or you're a uh woman that looks modest but you're always angry and you're always upset and you're very cheap and very stingy and you're like pretty much a walking please don't do k please I'm asking you please don't do anything don't even give the CD out because you're ruining it no one wants to be like you no one wants to you're ruining it you're ruining it for the rest working day and night to get people to do Chua what do they tell me yeah but look at this guy look what he did I saw him in the casino I saw him in this he's always angry he's always upset he's what they every single time something happens if there's a religious person out of a thousand people there's one religious guy look but there's a religious guy there look look he did it okay but there's 999 seculars no no but there's a religious guy so if you're that religious guy don't do kiru stay away fix yourself first you do cha that fix other people that's the thing people are I understand people mean well and it's important to do K but it's also important to do CH first have you have to save your own so as far as speaking to people definitely speak to them but the main thing I would suggest for you to tell people ultimately as far as the main main thing in regards to get people to do to keep something is not talk to them about everything that they're doing wrong like we talk about in these lectures rather focus on getting them to learn getting them to learn tah so whether it's family friends strangers whoever get them to commit to watching something or reading something once you they watch something or read something and then it's autopilot a lot of these people ian9 lot they went I'm talking about hardore religious yes sure sure sure at 17 after military whe it's in Israel or somewhere here they they don't want to come back to right and I I didn't even goone of well you're going you're going you're going against the hardest possible people to help him do cha there are there's levels there are levels of people that to help as far as who's more difficult more than me there are certain people there's levels from experience a few years of doing this I can tell you there's levels of like who's who's your best customer like for example when I was in a business world one of the main things that was known about me is that I don't accept every customer I only accept certain type he has to fit my description he has to have a certain net worth he has to have a certain amount of money invested already and he also has to have a certain mentality he has to have a certain mentality even the mentality was important for me whether I'm going to invest time in him everyone could open an account but as far as whether I'm going to invest time in you as a customer depended on your mentality not just your money mentality needed to be similar to mine you need to want to achieve big things you need to be a certain level of risk taker but an intelligent one not just a gambler but also not a uh you know someone that was scared of their own shadow um now was in a business World some people are Ultra conservative where they're scared to make a move so it takes 500 conversations to get them to take the first step that's a waste of my time in the business world I make $3,000 an hour I'm not going to invest 500 hours before I spent get my first $3,000 on the other hand certain people that are gamblers if they're gamblers I know that I can't satisfy them why because they're just doing it for The Rush they're not doing it for business so they're going to call me 500 th thousand times a day asking me what happened what happened what happened what happened did it go up did it go down why it go down why is it going up why is it up they G they go they drive me crazy so again you have to invest your time efficiently this is again has more to do with the business I was in than it has to do with uh all businesses but in General the best thing for a person to do in the business world is to get customers like him get people that you could relate to that's in the business world the same thing goes as far as in the chuva world try to get people like you so if you are a former Yesa student that went off the D and came back on a d you understand that mentality you can help that person but if you're a person that never went to Yesa and all your friends went to Yesa you're not going to be able to relate to them most of the time not all the time but most of the time and the reason why is because you have no idea why they left they may have left because one of their so-called rabbis was a rabbi was a evil person that wasn't really a rabbi that may have Shalom raped them molested them abused them uh you know uh uh with with with their uh filthy mouth made them feel like losers maybe that's why they left maybe they left because they don't believe in God because they watch too many Discovery Channel uh shows and they believe that we all came from monkeys maybe uh so they are miseducated maybe they don't believe maybe they don't do it because they have really a desire for a woman that they're not allowed to be with so in order for them to be with this woman or be with this man they have to pretty much forsake the religion because they can't be a you know they can't be a hypocrite so you have to understand why they're doing what they're doing so it takes a little bit of experience and also a little bit of a Psychiatry uh so if you have experience with people that went from nothing to something that's what you should focus on but if it's if most of the people that you're going with are people that left from Yeshiva I'm already telling you from experience not because it's me or anything like that from experience from my teachers they are the most difficult to get them back on a yes we have a few that went back on a that I talked to them they came to some they got CDs we had some conversations did and they're back on the right Road uh we have from all types you know you do this enough times eventually you're going to get a nice Skittles bag of different types of Jews to come back to Hashem which is good but you also have to invest your time properly so if I have one guy that's an atheist that is an atheist because he just doesn't know anything he's like an empty bag of chips get nothing and then I have another guy who's also an atheist but he's the type of atheist that hates religion who am I going to invest time in the empty bag of chips why cuz I can fill it up he's empty because he's ignorant he's an atheist because he's ignorant he doesn't know anything so he wants to learn science I'll teach him science wants to learn about God I'll teach him about God wants to learn about religion I'll teach him about Rel whatever he wants to learn I'll teach him no problem I can fill that back up but the guy that hates religion I don't want to waste my time with him unless I have nothing to do which doesn't really happen in kir world because most of us don't really know what's what's the truth so first and foremost you have to know when to invest your time the people that are the uh best customers that are the best that try to help are people that already say they believe in God in their heart but they just don't do anything or they do very little like we used to be we used to have K once a week but then we drive to the movies we used to you know say but we go have a barbecue the next Shabbat we said in reality we're supposed to say not in the past tense we're still doing it not we used to sin we're still sinning that's what we're supposed to say so the best customer is someone that says that they believe but they just don't do why they don't do because they haven't learned that that it's really not a choice most people believe that being religious as far as Judaism is concerned is a choice it's a choice a free choice place that you can be religious if you want or you don't have to be like it's something that's you could do or not yes you could technically choose no one's going to force you to do anything but there is a price it's not exactly free choice it's Choice meaning if it was free choice then it would mean that if you are religious and you follow the Torah then you get reward if you don't follow the toah then you get nothing that's free choice if you go to work you get paid you don't go to work you don't get paid that's free choice we don't have free choice we have choice choice means if we excuse me if we follow what Hashem says we get reward if we don't follow what Hashem says we get punished that's not free choice that's Choice that's like if I go to work I get paid if I don't go to work the boss sends people to my house and they beat me up that's what we have so most people believe we have free choice most people believe that being connected to the Torah and doing what the Torah says is an elective you can do it if you want to if you connect to it if it's your kind of thing they don't realize that it's a no option kind of option meaning that you have to do if you were born Jewish you have to follow the entire Torah if you're not born Jewish you still have to follow the entire Torah that's relevant to you meaning as a Noah they have to follow the seven laws of Noah and all the things that are logical go ahead tal just calls itself a synagogue it's not a synagogue it's a m you have to listen the thing is though is that you have to be you have to understand there's a lot on the line there's a lot online for already almost a year and a half people are asking me to do a Shure about Gom and I refuse to do it because I don't believe that anyone can handle this sh um unless they are really really serious about toah no I mean it's not just mentally strong you have to really really be close to hasem in such a level that it's a uh you understand the benefit out of the disaster to give you an idea when mhu went to mount saem showed him G and and when M so the says he started shaking he started shaking furiously uncontrollably and he asked theem what is This Disaster what is this what is this you created what is this and hasem says this is where I punish the this is where I punish the wicked so mhe started shaking even more thinking he's going to have to go there thinking that maybe he made one sin maybe he's considered theem says to the prophet isai and Shalom there's no peace to the to the to the rash so he thought maybe AEM says don't worry you're not going to see you're not going to see even the Gate of this just showing you what's available for the if they want to come this is what they have have a place for them to so what he saw we can't even imagine but there's a few books that talk about it and a few others no no much more detailed than uh he didn't all of it also so point I'm trying to make is it's very very very very hard very hard now meaning that there's a lot on the line in is says that if anyone understood just the lowest level of G the L the best part like the one that's like the most lenient they understand what horor that is just not going there is already a reward that just not going there not going there for even one second is already worth being the biggest sadik in the world just not to step a foot in there that's already enough for you to be aik even if there's no G even if there's no reward nothing he says it's worth it to suffer an entire life like job 70 years then going there for one second the wor the the best part not the worst part the seventh level doesn't end all that stuff and not even tell you what happens there yet so just to give you an idea of how bad it is meaning that the more you learn T when you learn T and not just things that are nice to hear you realize there's a lot on the line there's a lot on the line your n is on the line for eternity this is not a job that if you get hired good if you don't get hired you apply somewhere else this is not a marriage where if it works out great we have a few kids but they all become if not we get divorced we get find another one today divorce rates are like a uh it's normal to get divorced three four times normal it's like no one said so somebody says divorce now like oh yeah two you two me too how many times two three oh okay four seven oh people get divorced why are you even getting married you get divorced five times already already you're not good at it Let It Go you're not good at it stop getting married five times you get divorced you're still trying again for what you see some of these celebrities married four times six times seven why why do you keep trying stay at home stay in bed by yourself fix yourself maybe one day you'll help somebody else something's wrong obviously can't be everyone else and you're the only sadik you got divorced five times there's something wrong with you but the thing is though is that people don't realize that there's a lot on the line there's a lot on the line if you get it right your eternity is amazing if you get it wrong I don't want to describe how much of a disappointment a person will have just finding out forget about what they experience after they find out just finding out that their entire life was one big joke their entire life they're going to see what they were supposed to be according to the way you were programmed you were supposed to beu you were supposed to be uh you know one of the biggest in history you were supposed to beu you were supposed to be you were supposed to be the in some major place you were supposed to be something special you showed up over there with a bag of chips worth of mitv you showed over there with the mini skirt that you wore your whole life yeah but the rabbi didn't say anything or like I see many people in a religious World unfortunately I live in a religious community or at least it's supposed to be a religious community and every time I walk around with my family I usually try to look on the floor and the reason why is because it's very frustrating to see not only because I want to not see anything that's IM modest but it's very frustrating to me to see many women walk around six in from they within six inches difference six inches longer they're going to Gan six inches many women walk around for whatever reason the Satan has convinced the world that to wear skirts six in exactly six inches too short 6 Ines too short so they wear the skirt exactly 6 in inch tooo short if it was 6 Ines longer it's not much more fabric you already bought the dress it's the same cost for the factory six more inches you're six more inches you havea you're amazing no one's making sense because of you you are a walking K amazing but because it's six inches too short every time a guy looks at you he makes a sin it's a problem and I'm talking about religious World in non-religious world you can't talk because Unfortunately they don't know yet I'm talking about the religious world you go to synagogues you see most of the women are not modest you see that their sleeves are six inches too short the skirt six inches too short the wigs even if you use the of the of the the lency of lency of lency to allow the wig let's say you do which again like I told you if it's a real wig there's no whatsoever but let's say you found one let's say there's a butt call from sh says wigs are out fine 6 in too long 6 in too long of a wig cuz the the leniency of the wigs was over here most wigs you see advertised in the Jewish newspapers what is it it's like a one of the superm models it's long like it's it's longer than your natural hair would have been if you grew it from the time you were born long hair you look like a supermodel but women today think that sadik they come and look I'm wearing I'm covering my hair with what you look just came out of a uh one of these runway models what are you talking about what this is you actually believe this is modest so that's the thing the is convincing us he's convincing us that we're all he's convincing us that we're all doing just enough but we're six Ines in the religious world we're 6 in from being at break even we're 6 Ines from Break Even 6 Ines we have a chance not seeing for sure but six Ines we have a chance in a non-religious world we have to start from scratch so when people are telling you that they are religious your followup question should be what do you consider religious because to most most people religious means exterior how they wear where they go to school you know the things you see outside if they have people over for PES if they have people over for Shabbat you know some people think that just because they have 10 15 people at their sud chabbat they're going to ganeden but if they're only inviting these 10 15 people for Shabbat just to show off how much money they have and how good their food is there's no mitvah the real by the way for anyone who doesn't know it's not to invite the neighborhood community to your house to show them how great your house is and how great your cooking is the real is to help people that don't have anywhere else to go meaning the people that no one else wants to invite that you invite the people that are guests in the community the people that don't have homeless people the people that don't have any place that's that's when they're talking about that's that's the they're not talking about inviting your next door neighbor one week he invites you you're not going to G for that it's nice it's enjoy it it's not a bad thing but no one's going to gun Eden because they invited the uh they had a uh what is it called um like the do with the cars a car pool they have a Shabbat pool every week somebody else has the whole community over there house you're not going to geted for that it's fine it's nice enjoy it but that's not so we are fooled we are fooled constantly by we think that something is we're a lot more than what we really are yeah they to sure friend and and Mom [Music] and well one one thing that's really important we learned from the tah is is that everything has a cost meaning that hasem makes sure that we know that for everything that's a a everything that's a sin he writes if you make the sin this is the cost this is the punishment for it someone this is the punishment someone that goes with a steals from somebody this is the punishment meaning that he's giving us the cost of sinning so this is one thing that's very very important for us to teach our kids to tell them that there's a cost to sin there's a cost to go against the rules of the house if I said go to sleep at 9:00 and I find out that you didn't go to sleep until 10:30 there's a cost to that if I said no cursing and you started cursing there's a cost to that there's a punishment to that once the child knows that there's a price already just knowing that there's a price changes their behavior but if they think that there is no price they can do whatever they they want I can curse I can go come home whenever I want I can yell I can scream and she's not going to do anything he's not going to do anything or worse my father wants to punish me but my father but my mother doesn't or my mom wants to punish me but my father doesn't where the parents have a miscommunication one says yo no the other one says yes that's the worst thing because then the kids are Ultra smart and they go to the one that's going to say yes every time look Aba she wanted to punish me but I just wanted to go to my friend's house you remember when you had friends ABA right like they make you feel bad about it they're Geniuses these little kids the parents need to know first and foremost rule of raising kids parents must always agree in front of the child even if they don't agree even if they don't agree like he says yes she says no say yes or no somewhere else privately not in front of the kid never disagree in front of the kid ever that's one two in general you should have a rule book you should have like you know listen what's your expectations of the kid okay I want the kid to do okay what about you I want match your list okay this is not acceptable this is acceptable and have an agreement between the parents of yes or no in general a Jewish father should let the mother raise the kids let her make the rules as long as it's based on Tor let her run the house you come to teach them whenever you get a chance but but aside from that you let her punish them you let her do everything whatever she says whatever she says goes that's the best thing you can do let the Mom raise the kids that's the job of the mother it's not the job of the father want to be involved fine but in general you have to be more lenient towards her side because if you start doing her job who's doing your job so that's the second thing next thing is is that you have to make sure that the kids know that whatever says ABA already agrees with I'm not going to I'm not even going to ask ABA and even more so if you disagree you disagree somewhere else but in general if I'm going to do something against what IMA or ABA said I'm GNA have to pay for it if the kid knows that there's a punishment a reasonable punishment I'm not saying throw the kid into some closet and leave him there for three days obviously be humans there's a reasonable punishment for each thing he's going to start doing it he's going to start doing what he's supposed to and uh usually the best uh things to do as far as punishment is not to have them like a lot of people like to take stuff away a lot of people like for example if they have games they like to take away their games like to take away their I know Game Boy or whatever these games are that they have they like to take that away even though that's definitely a necessary thing to do in some extent it's not necessarily always the best because if you just take away kid's games and just leave him in his room to do nothing he'll replace it with something and usually the something he replaces it with is not good so an additive to that is to replace it with something good so say listen I'm going to take away your Game Boy or whatever game it is that they like and you're not allowed to get it back until you finish one page of G until you finish fim until you watch this entire lecture or this entire thing you learn your F out by heart you have to do something that's useful productive until you finish your homework replace his time with something else not just give him punishment and that's it give him something to do that's produ that's productive because if you just tell them no no no no no then they'll just find already have a replacement ahead of time oh I know that after I go against what my mom said she's going to take away my game so I already have this other game on the side he's already got a few things stashed and he's ready for the punishment that's why he doesn't care so if you replace it with something good not only will you end up benefiting that you're replacing it with something good but also you'll end up having a he'll end up learning a lot of toah that way last thing but that's most important I think all of it is that you have to use the Torah as the found Foundation Foundation to how you're going to build your house foundation to how you're going to live your life Foundation to how you're going to raise your kids because if you use it as a family the kids are going to want to do it but if you just tell the kids to do it and you don't do it the kids are not going to do it like a lot of parents make the mistake of sending the kids to Yesa but they themselves are they themselves don't keep Shabbat they don't keep anything they themselves they like no my kids are good for Yesa for them to have the tradition for them to know who mosenu is but we're adults We Know Better problem with that mentality is that as soon as the kids come home they look at you they don't look at their teacher and they idolize you as their parents so when they see that their Rabbi looks a certain way and acts a certain way and IMA and ABA look a different way and act a different way they have to make a decision they have to pick a side who's right the rabbi or my parents 99 out of a 100 times the parents win only rarely will a kid choose the rabbi as he's right and my parents are wrong most of the time they're going to choose their parents so if the parents are living a life that looks like it's against the Torah the kid is going to come to a point where he's going to say my Rabbi he's a joke he's wrong it's not real and that's what happened to most of those kids by the way that you're saying many of those kids that went off the D they went off the D because their parents were already off the D so all they were doing was just being like their parents the parents sent them to Yeshiva but when they went home they went home to a secular home so when you go home to a secular home then what it means is that the rabbi only dresses that way because he's being paid for the rabbi is only teaching us and Mish and because we're paying him he's only doing it for money he's not doing it because he believes it so what happens is the kid says I don't believe it either and the kids end the kid ends up being more confused than if you would have sent him to public school now obviously I'm not saying sent them to public school what I am saying is that you need to work on yourself yeah said it older people that are like not your own kids your own kids you have to discipline right unless you know how to do it but most of the time it's not good okay okay okay so I listen to him it work okay um but then what happens is back her question with the kids if they come home to M no I didn't say that I said siblings I said your brothers your sisters your parents wife or husband you have to do something you can't just let them live you can't just let them do nothing and you do you do chuva and they don't do chuva you can't let that happen and the reason why is because if a lot of people have this mentality where it's like listen I'm going to do chuva on my own and my wife will do chuva when she's ready my husband will do chuva when they're ready and they let them be they let them be although this theoretically sounds nice that one day they're going to realize and wake up on their own this is a very very bad idea and the reason why is because by you continuing to grow spiritually while your spouse is not growing you are distancing yourself away from them and eventually you're going to get divorced you're in essence what you're doing is you're you're preparing your own Doom so this is not good what you have to do is you have to be a little bit more patient with them and you have to do everything you can to make them grow with you even if that means you have to grow slower like a lot of for example a lot of times when somebody starts doing cha something moves them they watch a lecture they watch a Torah movie they read a book it's very moving they're moved they're passionate like everything just changed something clicked they want to be mosu they are waiting already for hasem to start talking to them they're waiting they know any minute he's going to start talking to me I'm telling you from my own experience you guys make fun of that you laughing I honestly thought God was going to talk to me when I first started doing Chua and I'm not a crazy person I but when I started doing Chua I honestly believed and I know all of you believe the same thing I honestly believed at some point that God was going to talk to me I said what I'm reading TV I'm studying I'm not sleeping I'm this God has to talk to me at some point I started doing I started doing everything I'm like he has to start talking back come on it's can't continue being a one-way conversation so when you start you're very passionate your spouse on the other hand is not so much and the reason why is because that same switch didn't click for them yet they even if they saw the same movie you did even if they read the same book you did it didn't affect them the same way it did you so to expect them to react and do the same thing as you is not fair so what you have to do is be patient with them and continue feeding a little bit more a little bit more a little bit more a little bit more pray for it cry for it it talk to Hashem about it the way he talks back by the way is when he makes it happen when he makes something out of nothing when their switch does click but from something that you would have never thought I can tell you one thing from my personal story already knows my wife's a convert and there was a big mission to get to that point the biggest obstacle that people have in regards to Christianity versus Judaism and really in regards to everything versus Judaism is the oral Torah which is the basic foundation of the entire Torah if you believe in the oral Torah in its completeness you're in good shape you're in very very good shape if you don't you're nowhere near Hashem simple as it gets people believe in the written Torah even though the written tah would not be legible without the oral Torah so anyway this was a constant debate how do we know the or TOA is real how do we know if it's from God because there's names of rabbis there there's arguments there's debates like how do we know the authenticity of all this and so on and so forth so at some point I gave up on it I gave up on the argument of proving the oral toah and I just tried to prove other parts I tried to prove other things I tried to prove that Christianity was fake which is very very simple I tried to prove a lot of other things in the Torah and the interesting part is I worked endlessly doing research and learning and crying and praying and and everything you could possibly imagine begging Hashem to just make something happen here and as hem would have it the last thing that I could possibly ever think that would actually ever be the switch that flipped from for my wife was that she went on her own she decided on her own because usually would it be was I would pretty much not sleep and first thing in the morning six o'l in the morning I'd have like a bunch of like videos or papers or verses or something ready for my wife good morning like imagine some guy's like cracked out practically but spiritually not drugs and it's like wait good morning with like verses and proof look look at this she like what do you want from me let me I just woke up leave me alone I was really I was obsessed and nothing worked out nothing worked and I I went and I started leaving it alone I got to a point where we just pray but anyway the thing that Hashem did eventually when he felt bad for me he realized okay it's enough and obviously she prayed for it also um is one day she just decided she's going to do research on her own nothing to do with me instead of waiting for me to find sources and proofs and so on she said you know what I'm going to start looking for things and she didn't even tell me she started looking for things and looking at the book and started you she knew there was already something wrong but she couldn't put our finger on it and one day she found this thing that was written about the oral tah proofs of the oral tah and that was like the first big break so when and I never even saw this thing it was a big some paper that someone wrote it I think it was a ask noah.com wrote something about proofs of the oral tah and um he wrote this really really brilliant proof of the oral toah how it's transmitted and so on and so forth and even though I knew the material the way he put it together really hit home for her and that was like the first Big Break until the movie Torah and science came that we saw and and the debate and so on like that was the first thing so the place that I thought had no hope the debate that I thought had no hope that was exactly the Cure but hasem had to do it not me so the same thing goes with a lot of different things say when sometimes you have your spouse that's behind you as far as her growth or his growth in spirituality you have to number one be very patient with them don't make some of the same mistakes I made don't wake them up 6:00 in the morning with proofs uh second thing is be patient as far as know that their switch wasn't turned on yet they don't see what you see even though they saw the same movie even though they read the same book it didn't affect their like it did yours because that specific thing is not their tun something else is something else is their tun so you have to just keep jabbing at it and putting at it and putting more coins and a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more eventually with a effort prayers and persistence they're going to be more alive than you they'll be more more righteous than you they'll be better than you much better I can tell you from my own experience my wife Grace human being on Earth she's now I'm not telling you because she's my wife she really is so it's B it's amazing to me it's amazing because I would have never thought um so it's again it's it's a you have to be very very very patient with your spouse but that doesn't mean you let them go on autopilot and they'll just do it like many couples say listen I'm going to go to beess I'm GNA pray I'm G to learn when she's ready to keep Shabbat she's going to keep Shabbat no my friend you let her do that you're only a matter of your clock has already started for divorce it's only a matter of time before you come home one day and the house is empty so you have to do something so one of the things that you can do aside from patience is start learning with them learn Torah with them don't learn by yourself only learn by yourself but learn with them watch a with them put on instead of watching TV or sports or any that that stuff put a put you have few hundred sh T that I've done or on YouTube or you want to go to Torah anytime or Torah bank there's a bunch of different places you can get put on a without thinking too much have one ready and click on as soon as you sitting down eating dinner and watch together 15 minutes a day half hour a day an hour a day now this not only is something that's is a thing to do where you're doing something together that's bringing you closer in general it's also bringing you spiritual spiritually closer because when two people learn T together it's much more significant than if they learn the same thing in different times so now you're learning to all together try to learn things that are an interest to them but also something they need to hear so sometimes people like to learn about schlom but in reality they don't need any help with schom they have SCH so them they can watch 500 lectures about schom and it's never going to help them they're not even going to get much credit for it in sham and the reason why is because they didn't have a schom problem what was their problem their problem was modesty their problem was they're cheap their problem was they were very stingy people unfortunately we live in a generation of cheap people people are very very cheap it's only about purchasing people buy they don't want to give so people when they give something they want even if they give don't want going to give if it's going to give them something back here in this world they're going to put their name on the betet uh there's going to be a some type of uh Public Announcement that they donated uh they're gonna you know people going to know they need recognition so in essence they're not buying a mitvah for the sake of Mitzvah they're buying advertisement adver that they're a sadik or they're sadik but if you tell somebody listen if you donate you're going to help some learn this month without being worried about P You're Gonna help a few people do chva because we give them CDs you're going to help a few lectures happen because we do lectures for free you do all those things but there's no Public Announcement that so and so donated $100 so and so donated $10,000 no one's going to say that no one's going to announce it I'm also very much against putting names on CDs this is a very uh um uh very common thing in Israel where anyone that donates a couple of hundred checkel which is like 50 bucks or 100 bucks they put their name on a few hundred CDs I don't do that unless you donate at least 10,000 CDs and the reason why is because I don't think it's I'm not going to go through the trouble of having my Graphics guy spend even five seconds forget about five hours 5 Seconds putting your name on the graphic so I could send it to the printer so you could print a few CDs in your name I'm sorry it's not 100 bucks it's not worth my time it's not it's not worth my Graphics guy time and last but not least if there was any marriage you're going to get out of that mitvah now you're definitely not going to get it because everyone's going to know that you put it at least if you did 10,000 CDs or more there's something there but in reality no one wants to donate 10,000 CDs why because 10,000 CDs for them is like H you know it's too much what he needs so much maybe this maybe that everybody has their talks to them so we live in a generation of people that are wanting to buy marketing they want to buy advertising and that's a problem because when we show up the sh they going ask you okay so what do you have I have a lot of oh let me see your so look I donated $5,000 every year to theet for yum Kip oh okay let me see oh look they announced that you donated $5,000 oh look and you're actually on stage oh you're saying you're giving everyone a blessing that you're the after you got this oh so you already got all 99.9% of the you already got in in that world so there's nothing left for you here much you're going to get a little bit oh okay but I donated to uh the uh this organization oh yeah they help Jews leave Judaism you're not getting credit for that oh I help the whales okay the whales were okay without you you're fine you're not getting it so when I show up with all of this money we gave his charity it could be thousands and thousands of dollars and what is it going to be worth in sh maybe a box of matches it's worth nothing why because nothing came out of it or even if anything came out of it you already got all the credit for it because people are trying to buy recognition so one of the things that I try to explain to people is a lot of what we do as an organization no one knows really no one knows unless you're on the inside unless you're either someone that's like really close to us you're either donating or you're just part of the organization a lot of what we do we don't do we don't advertise and the reason why is because honestly I'm already having enough enough trouble getting people to donate 100 Balls forget about the tens of thousands of dollars we need for all the other things we need to do but for anyone that is serious about doing doing about getting to come back to hem there's an endless price tag for it there isim that we help in y people that are very very serious Torah Learners we send them money every month there is CDS tens of thousands of CDs that we give out for free even though we have in our website buy the CD for a dollar or $2 dollar Sunny would tell you 99% out of the CDs we send out are for free I I announc CDs $1 once in a while you have a few people say okay send me 50 send me 100 send me 200 send me this I announce okay 5,000 for free five minutes 5,000 go everyone had why you couldn't send 50 bucks to get 50 CDs no because again people have a hard time hard time justifying like writing a check or putting a credit card in so that's another thing that we do uh another thing that we do is there's a lot of a lot of people that uh for example today there was uh an announcement we made in our groups that there is a couple that's trying to get married the wife is uh an orphan M she's an orphan she's also poor really has a lot of really big tests so part of what we try to do we try to help them raise money for them has nothing to do with us we don't get any money for it and this is an ongoing thing anytime somebody comes with a real need we try to help them if it's possible if it's a real need I verified we try to help them there's no money for it we donate for it also and on and on and on there's a lot of different things that we do because again when we teach to be a chaser of mitv we have to live it too the point I'm trying to make is that when someone comes up to Sham they can ask him what' you do would you would you would you give I give money to besset I give money to the Red Cross I gave money to Blue Cross I gave money to the Dolphins I gave money to the alligators I gave money to all these different things I tell you okay so you came here with an empty bag of chips at least if you had a bag of chips you have something to eat while we prepare your Dean but the reality is you have to you have to start thinking about what am I giving for all this money that I'm giving for what what what's happening what is the outcome of this money what's the outcome for it what did hasem gave me all this money what am I doing with all of it why would hasem give me more money last but not least point that I would make is that n out of 10 today nine out of 10 remind the remind about the love your brother like you love yourself and everybody mentioned it because it sounds like such a neutral mitvah you should love your brother like you love love yourself you should love your brother like you love yourself everyone mentions it the reality of it is there's almost no one almost no one that loves their brother like they love themselves and the simplest way to prove it is the amount of money they give in how do I know very simple you when you eat you go out to eat what are you eating a uh burger for $5 no you go out to eat you want a stick extra 16 oun 18 oce you spend no less than $75 on dinner but the orphan that needs to get married you donated $18 not even enough for her to give a steak for herself in our own wedding you want to get a car because you want to get to places and stock just the rims are $3,000 the rims the rims are $3,000 the rims the part that you don't even see because you're driving because you're inside the car only everyone else outside the car enjoys it but you're going to spend three four five six seven eight $9,000 on the rims but Amy that doesn't know who God is you're GNA give $9 or $90 for CDs but the rims are 9,000 but CD you're going to give $90 when you want to live in a house you want to make sure you have nice furniture so you don't go to Ikea Ikea is for poor people you're going to the kashu place in B Arbor in uh Fifth Avenue in all these places full of nice furniture each couch minimum $3,000 $4,000 if not more but the in that makes 00 a month it has no money to feed his kids what' you send them you send him 50 bucks yeah yeah where where is the where you give $50 you spend $5,000 on one couch you spend $10,000 on rims you spend $5,000 on a navigation system you're not even using because you have a phone [Music] [Applause] [Music]