Interpersonal Relationship Tools - Part 5: Praising Improvements - Rebbetzin Avigial Gersht

[Music] you know why I'm so excited about this class today other than the fact it's just nice to smooth because I said this last class which was we read them in the CFC charm the introduction the wrong call right it is not innocence or on the phone can we steal a theorem right which is he's saying this about the path of the dress right then all the more so which was nothing I'm telling you this is something new right it's it's you know but the more we were doing the more we discuss it then it really integrates into a person so what we're discussing today said love is based off of Dale Carnegie's book how to win friends and influence people which I don't like the title I think it's a very silly title however it has great great these are just basic skills that are so helpful in all relationships and all the more so in marriage which ladies the secret of life is this okay and I mean this and I on my first day with my husband I told him I have emotional issues but I told him I don't think I'll ever get married I had like I had like a fear of America first day yeah he stuck it out he stuck it out I had to accept I want it to be responsible do my history like put him at Front's thank God I wanted to get married but like I doubt that like it just kind of matter finding someone and then he's talking about but but what but oh that's why I said that because before I got married I was like oh all these like made people whatever me when you just see marriages especially when you're seeing you just like analyze you see and I was like I don't want a marriage everywhere you look that more people than not are going to get divorced do you know that there's a state there's a state in in a province in Canada if for two years after you're married you cannot change your last name because it's caused such bureaucratic issues of changing and attaint unchanging again because so many people are getting divorced this secret of life that I'm going to tell you is if you want these are for people who believe in marriage if you don't that's fine also but for those of you who believe in marriage if you want a happy life you should you you need to have a happy marriage a happy relationship that is the secret of life you see people I see it with my friends I see it with wit with all over the world as you do people who have successful marriages go on to be successful people you can have all the money in the world and if your your you come home and it's a broken home you're a broken person it just goes hand in hand that's what it means to be a soul mate you are connected to each other so if you're not treating each other properly you feel that on the other end so all the more so we're discussing here why am i teaching this like it's not this like beautiful tart class because this is it says derech Eretz kata my Letarte which means dare air its proper literally translated as Derek right the path Eretz of the land right which means manners and and how to talk to people that comes before tour it's a prerequisite to tour to prove anytime I see like an Orthodox Jew like littering or something I always like take a double look like like what you know what did he do my dad I have to share a sweet story we're at the park on hug and someone threw a bag of chips on the floor my daughter looked at me she's three and a half and said hey mommy we don't litter that's not derech Eretz and she went and she said that she got the bag and she started to put in the guard when she saw other trash in the park and she was chasing this other plastic bag around the park shake the weed I know she's like she's so sweet so so that comes before tourists what we're discussing here is just when I was reading this and as I practice it practice this and use it some life I'm like just the whole world should know this because just helpful so last class we said we did I gave out this sheet which was begin conversation in a friendly way we started off the story with this Sun and the wind fighting who's mightier and the winds like I'm strong and the Sun was like I'm stronger and then the wind said you know how strong I am you see that man wearing this coat I can blow his coat off women a harpy and he's blowing and blowing and blowing and as the wind is blowing the old man's holding his quote tighter right and out comes the Sun and dried up all the rain and the as it's getting hotter and hotter the old man puts down his briefcase and takes off his coat right and warmth genuinity being interested in people we said become genuinely did another person spoke I thought so care about the other person you're talking to don't condemn or criticize we said coach I'm call before we start anything you don't want to be criticizing people today we are discussing how to criticize people because it isn't necessary and we do it so being that we do it will discuss how to do it but you should not want to be criticizing people and then we said be sympathetic we spoke about - grunt - Gunn Crowley who was a killer in the 1930s I think in the 30s no don't quote me on the air and he was a killer and as he's having his final shootout with the cops from his girlfriend's apartment and blood is falling from his forehead he's writing says to whom this may concern beneath this coat is a heart but a weary heart one that will do no one any harm right and we quoted the other Al Capone Al Capone is he a movie the actor no no he's the mobster right okay there's a movie called Al Capone based on Al Capone my friend was once in class and her teacher asked the question on art and she said I'm have Leonardo DiCaprio mean the energy bin so you should like that one so so Al Capone the mobster he he said I has a quote which was basically I for years I've been a hunted man I've just been trying to give people the better years of her life and all I've been as a hunted man right no one appreciates the beneficiary that I've done for other people everyone is right in their own eyes right we all believe we're we're right and we're correct so be sympathetic okay let's go on number five on the sheet for those who have it any question on what we just said okay praising improvements works better than criticizing what do I mean praising improvements works better than criticizing yes Nicole so like if someone is working on something like trying be more on time and they show up late again you don't have to be like why don't you're late again like just things that they're still not good at yeah yeah why do we know why yeah it's supportive and also it gives people reputation to live up to which is something else that we're gonna discuss praising improvements works better than criticizing this is literally magic and everything that we're saying obviously has to be sincere I'm not teaching you quick you know tricks on how to get people to like you obviously they say Camila Panem Kane late Adamo Adam which means like a water is the reflection of a person spaces in the water so - is there a person's heart reflection of the other person people smell from mile away for not being genuine okay but praising improvements works better than criticism this is magic let me give you a very easy example when let's say it's husband's atopic theoretically if he didn't help me with the dishes okay there's two ways to go about it what do most people do the coffee table we showed us the coffee table video you did okay the coffee table video which is complaint you so watch that for class is very funny yeah are you seeing it okay so just so Z which is basically just just complaining and how come you never help me with the dish you please do something with the dishes and they'll do it right or other people say you never help me with the dishes you know you really never happen with the dishes what should you do what defines the time he's washing that one little fork okay could be a one little for go after him and just say I really appreciate you washing the dishes it just really means a lot to me and have a lot of work to do tonight so it just takes a lot off my back thank you so much that's it right why there's a rule of thumb in human psychology which is attention is attention we all want some more some less so when children this is now in context of children children do not differentiate between attention negative and positive okay so when my two daughters are fighting with each other I feel like this comes up a lot in class so we're gonna have if you're watching this one day I love you the the so my two daughters are fighting with each other so I'll tell you what I did in the beginning which is what most parents do when you have a newborn baby at home and the older daughters trying to hurt the two week old baby please don't hurt her stop hurting her stop hurting I still do that sometimes because I lose it and then human right but usually stop hurting her right what does her mind comprehend smack baby mommy's love smack baby mommy's attention so now baby that's all they comprehend that's all they comprehend as opposed to find that one time there she's being nice to her or she's just playing by herself and I just go up to a cubby oh you're such a nice sister thank you so much or you know what else they do that's also magic this has just been a recurring theme in our home with her you know she means well she's not trying to hurt her she just plays very you know passionately okay which is which is when she hurts Ahava when she hurts my younger daughter what do I do I run up to you know let's act this out Ellie can you pretend to smack Sam Sam I'm so sorry are you okay of a boo-boo oh I'm so sorry right and other ones that I write exactly and I'm so sorry I love you I love you I'm so so right what if she comprehend I'm tired this is magic this is literally magic rush comprehend she gets nothing she loses out when she hits why she's not getting any attention when you give when your husband and also when critic complimenting people what did I say had a high Fraser yeah praising improvements works better than criticism because again when you constantly tell let's say your husband to help you with the dishes or give me any example would you like to use a different example this one's working so when you tie your husband Kazakh town please you don't have to move the dishes what goes on his mind she doesn't expect me to do the dishes right she doesn't you're giving him the reputation of you don't you don't help me at home as opposed to I notice when you help me right or or if he's not helping say it's ok I know you usually want to help and I'm sure you're busy tonight why that creep ate in his mind Oh have you got all expect me to help that gives when you tell a child that so that's really you did that I can't no I can't believe it so not like you right as opposed to I need you do that I know what why'd you hurt her why did you do that right in her mind mommy thinks that I hurt people so she will match up to that there's actually a fascinating study done it wasn't a study it wasn't a study but it got confused between two teacher there was the how did what was the nice way they phrased it in school the higher on lower class remedial I'm like accelerated I don't know they always have you like nice names for like a higher and lower class I could take so I was okay right like something fancy like that okay whatever is something that I was always in the lower one but you know it was because I didn't need that anyways so so I was always been the lower one but there was one time there was a miss it was in elementary school there's also a higher in lower class and the teachers switched by mistake their tenses got switched whatever in the beginning of the year they were given the wrong information the one with the remedial classes slower class she was given the grades and and it was told this is a smart and one with the higher Custer six was a lower class and what did they find the whole year they taught like that and what did they find yeah they performed at that level they both perform that level the higher class did whatever low sheets were doing and the lower class they just totally rose to the occasion you're the movie I love this movie Freedom Writers know I highly you know it I highly recommend it Freedom Writers I highly recommend it and I don't recommend a lot of movies it's a true story the true story that movie I recommend I mean I'm a teacher so I like these kind of movies and also front of the class are two very powerful movies both true stories and as Freedom Writers the teacher it's a true story how teacher went into an inner city and basically took these kids who were a bunch of you know Street kids and really brought them up but I remember him and the movie the first day of class she walked in and they were like jumping on desks this is high school and she walked in and after she finally got their attention she said I want you to know every single one of you has a hundred right now you all have a hundred your grade is 100 with me and it's up to you whether you keep the hundred or you lower the hundred all son wow I have a hundred right I can do that so so it's amazing I remember had a bunch of my my daughter we had some acne board kids at our home ones and the kids were fighting over toys which is what kids do healthy kids so the kids were fighting over the toys and and I didn't want to do fight so I just brought chocolate chip and I said to one of the kids I said do I do a mixed fund share the toy and they said and said yeah I gave her child so when she shared the toy and after she said just seeing this little song I mean I did I miss out it was like one of these sign you did it at the dinner today and all of a sudden there were like seven kids there and also and all the other kids started like sharing they say look mrs. ghost loom was good I'm sharing and I had this little cute kid Yona who's like my daughter's best friend he came after me said he's like four and a half he said there's no mitzvahs for me to do and you were so sad why again all the sudden they comprehended I like I get her attention and a chocolate chip when I do good right so if you want your boyfriend to call you because your boyfriend isn't he's always learning and he's always working instead of saying dude make time for me when he just catch him catch him and blow it up blow it up not in an immature way not an immature way but just an meaning like I really do appreciate it we started off by saying be sympathetic to a person if he's not calling you there's a reason he's not calling you think he doesn't like you then there's real issues to deal with or else he's busy there's a reason why people are doing something right and if he's busy big thank you so just a little tip it's a little note at the end on Father I really appreciate the phone call I really appreciate that and you'll notice head and and I want to hear examples from you have you noticed in your life if people when people have complimented you that you've lived up to it who can give me an example yeah Rachel I think you melt my down [Music] it's so funny I really do like what I teach it's so funny okay give me give me another example I get what you're talking about it makes me if it brings you back to 22 again you feel this like Oh like you're happy meter high guys like I have to color it you didn't feel give me more examples but you won't yeah yeah it makes you want to exactly you want to live up to the reputation give me another example that's nice that's a nice way thank you I'll give you a tip you can go up to homeless people in Jerusalem they actually appreciate it you can give them like fifty shekels or 100 shekels first make sure they give you the money I've had in systems where they haven't earned it back you say Johnny exchange it for me because they have tons of coins and what you can do is you can just have a little you know whatever mini purse a little pen thing I've stuck a little literally a guru and you can give to each person at the end of day you spent two shadows you can get all of that change by giving them fifty shekels and give you back like this much change if you ever want to do that you can actually ask them to say if you have a 50 check out bill I mean if you want to carry change on you to give to homeless people so you can literally take 20 shekels they'll give you like 100 coins for 20 shekels they'll give you 20 shekels and like a GU rope because they have so much change on them yeah I asked ya I'll give him like say all I give him 20 shekels so you can keep like five but can you give me 15 checkouts and like a guru and they're happy to get rid of their change and you have a bunch of change to give up okay another example is if people if I you just show up on time and you just say to someone like by the way I really appreciate you always show up on time I really it's nice because most people keep me waiting it's really nice again just like oh shoot she expects me to be on time all right or if someone says you always look good together you just feel like you all look put together right that's praising praising improvements don't criticize okay yeah of criticism well we're gonna speak about when people criticize but I'll give you a little taste of it now which is how did I phrase it on this if you're wrong admit it quickly and emphatically first of all in general rule human behaviour we mimic other people so people when you are a role model people just won't will they'll pick up on it though tend to get it be interested in relationships I'm just a big fan of open communication in general so if someone's open to it like you know the five love languages right no it was sweet manners you know it's great there we should speak bet at some point it's or just great to know there are five love languages everyone has we all need all five event but we all have one main love language that we need the five are physical touch presence quality time words of affirmation and acts of service we only I need you to help me with the dishes I want you to give me presents I want you to tell me I love that you love me I want you to hold my hand and I want you to give me your time right but we all have one main one and so I'm a big fan of just couple sitting down together I've been like so which is your main one like let's just like cut to the chase instead of me guessing right so I believe in just open communication of like I heard this great thing interesting relationships I think it's beneficial but another another gray yes gifts ah yeah is that it gifts acts of service meaning like helping i'm quality time giving me your time words of affirmation which is words letters and and what was the other one and physical touch and physical touch it's a book yeah it's a book so but when people criticize us we're gonna get to I don't want to say the whole thing that but a little bit of it is when people criticize us a way to end it just stop it right stop it criticism is just to say you're sorry right away a funny story that happened with me in a cop it's actually happened a few times I had I have two that I remember but I noticed it's happened to me throughout my life and which is and I meant to genuinely exact because I I did i I was wrong but I was I was driving if he had told you this story before I was driving in the car and I was speaking to my friend on the phone and there's like this like motorcycle coming really close to me so he motions to me and IV graciously back like motioned to him like no it's okay you can go first you most hits me again and I'm like no no like go ahead it's a cop he's pulling me over he's not like motioning to need to go ahead of him right so much Oh Rick I gotta go ahead and hang up the phone and and he says look what are you doing what is Ray Li's are very mock bit are not speaking on the phone which the right I was wrong and I had this like a moment shy just like lied him and say like my headphone just broke like what do I do and I'm like I don't think it kept saying was I've had so dick I cuts it which means you're right I'm like you're right you're right you're hundreds damn right I was like I should have bought a headset I didn't buy a camera I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm really sorry he's just like he'd know what to do with himself he's like don't do that again and like he drove away happened three another time where I was getting I saw him writing a ticket I parked illegally I didn't know I thought you're a lot of park there and he's running my ticket he's about to pry my windshield what are you doing and he's like why did you park here I want why aren't I allowed to and usually we get into these back-and-forth of like why can't I I'm like I didn't know I'm really sorry I no like where's the sign you started like schmoozing and he's like okay then he ripped up the tech he's like don't do that again so when people criticize us the moment we say I'm sorry like how how bad is that for our ego to say I'm sorry you're right you're I'm late they say I'm late because limiters are because now you took away the sorry say I'm sorry you're right I'm you're totally right we'll get there okay one bunch the next one which is any questions on praising improvements pretty basic but super helpful in life