A Man's Role in Marriage—Spiritual, Mental, Emotional, Social, Physical

okay good evening welcome everybody we are speaking tonight about a man's role in marriage what's a man's role in marriage okay so first of all before i get into the nitty-gritty i want to make a comment and that is that in the past i have been very careful about speaking about certain things where i'm being recorded and those words can find their way to those to whom it was not intended and i'm going to deviate from that policy tonight we'll see if i if i think better of it afterward but for now this is my plan i'm going to do something i don't normally do which is have the conversation i would have if we weren't being recorded and i'm going to tell you why i'm going to tell you why because if you're here live you're watching it on zoom if you're watching it recording and on a recording you're watching it on youtube and that means if you're already at those places with that access then there's a whole lot of other stuff that you are exposed to as well and just like you have to exercise some discretion and self-control not to click on something or continue watching something that youtube suggests to you that's inappropriate so too if you're on this class right now and this isn't for you if if you're not a married man married and a man then it's not for you so we're suggesting we're asking that you exercise some discretion some self-control and don't continue this is not for you now if you're not going to listen to me and you're going to continue anyway well you have the whole youtube to explore with that same lack of self-control and discretion so if that's where you're at right now then maybe it's better that you hear these things from me then you hear them from somewhere else so that's basically where i'm at um i'm doing things differently than i've done it in the past i think it's a little bit of a different world today i think that today bahram are exposed to a whole lot of stuff that we were never exposed to my uh 22nd wedding anniversary was yesterday mazel tov to my wife for making it um to that point she she stayed alive to that point um huff base or derision tough i'm telling you when i was a bucker we did not have exposure the way that the bakram today have so i'm just sort of recognizing the reality and i'm going to say that i'm going to talk about the stuff that we need to talk about and i'm sorry if that ruffles any feathers i can virtually guarantee that nobody's gonna hear anything inappropriate for me uh for the first time anything that you hear that you shouldn't hear because you shouldn't be watching this because you disregarded my my warning at the beginning you've already heard from other sources that are not speaking in a context of yiddish and kedusha so did i say enough of a disclaimer i hope so all right so that is my disclaimer all right so let's i'm going to take your questions and i have some of your questions but before i do that i want to ask a question how about that i'm going to ask a question here's my question has a whole side of himself that he has no kosher way of expressing and without belaboring the point let's just say that there's a great deal of uh avoiding that aspect of human nature for all the years that you are single and then one day mazel tov you're married you're a married man and that side of yourself suddenly has a way of being expressed and not only has a way of being expressed it has a way of being expressed as a mitzvah in a context of kedusha so now in one day in one moment you say harayat mikudashis and something that went from being absolute prohibited absolute off-limits absolute out of sight out of mind avoid at all costs has now flipped in one moment to being a major part of your life so that that alone will give you whiplash that that kaphakelah that that uh that slingshot there but the question is when you make that transition from baker to younger man from a single person to a husband how does it work exactly explain it to me that something that was so prohibited so uh so fraught with with spiritual danger so uh connected to to impurity and and and and sin and i'm using scary words but i'm using them for a reason let's let's just say it as it is we know that falling in to this area can drag a person to to the depths so how does that same thing in one instant flip around and become become holy it's it's it's wild explain that to me how it just takes a 180 and becomes the opposite now it's holy and it's spiritual and it's the the holy of holies kedishakardashim and it's it's like kruvim and it's it's hashem and the jewish people and it's here and it's beautiful pristine so one minute ago it was like how did that happen and i think that this question i'm not asking this as a philosophical question because i think that this question troubles a lot of younger light not that they articulate the question the way that i am but that the lack of an answer to this question is causing problems whether people know how to formulate this question or not and what i want to try to do is explore a little bit about what changes from before the hasanah to after the khasna vis-a-vis our own relationship with our own i'm going to use the word once human sexuality use the word once that's it i don't have to use it again but that's what i'm speaking about i'm speaking about the desire that hashem implanted within the human psyche to to search for completion through bonding with one's other half how do we suddenly make that transition where that becomes a super important part of our lives when we just got 25 years of practice i was 25 i got married 25 years of practice completely suppressing that and pretending like we don't have those urges even though we know they're human urges and that of course they come up and you know zion of of tanya when the altar rabbit talks about people having that distracting thoughts so he says he actually the one example he gives are erratic thoughts and he actually says of of a permissible nature being beheaded or of a prohibited nature meaning to say when the altar wants to give an example of the kinds of things that pop up in our mind that's the first example that he gives because it's it's a universal struggle so we we have this struggle for 25 years or however long it is where we're constantly trying to suppress that you know like when you go to the uh the arcade and you have the whack-a-mole game where you're hitting the the little gophers pop-up you gotta hit them down you have the maxillazorda bounty hit it down hit it down okay and then it becomes a mitzvah how do you handle that what do you have to flip in your mind in order to to handle that transition okay so i'm gonna tell you like this let's talk a little mashiba macabre oh i know you can say i'm a cobble i heard mushmere macabre i understand i should be a cowboy i heard it so many times okay uh you can hear it again but i'm going to speak about my spirit kabul in a little bit of a uh maybe a different way what is a mashpia and what's a macabre so we often translate mushby and makable as a giver and a recipient giver and recipient should it's actually not such a helpful translation because it's not accurate because if you look at any true mashpiya makaba relationship the mekabol ends up giving back to the mashpiyya more than the mashpiya gave to the mecabul in the first place you know that's the difference between a macabre and a click keyboard clickible is a receptacle not a recipient receptacle means you know uh put your keys in the in the in the ashtray and then when you need to finally i take your keys back out they're the same keys that you put there oh yeah i don't know you put some water in a cup and you come back later and you find the same water that you put in the cup right when you have a clean cable you just have a receptacle so whatever you put in the receptacles what you take back out later a mecabul is whatever you put in the mecabo you wait you come back later and you take back more in fact not only more but disproportionately more classic example of that is the seed being placed in the ground and you come back and you find a tree and the tree grows fruits for infinite generations in potential like they say anyone can count the seeds in an apple but only hashem can count the apples in a seed because there are infinite apples in a seed but in order for the infinite apples to come out of the seed so the seed has to be placed in the ground the ground hakomi no offer like the wisest of all men said everything's from the earth everything's from the from the soil the soil's malhouse so she's a macabre what does she do she receives but she gives back much much more than what she got or you know you look at the [Music] six work days and shabbos so also six work days give to shabbos that's right so if you don't get ready for shabbos during the six work days you you don't have what to eat on showers you don't go work and make money so you can go shopping and buy food and cook and bake and do everything to prepare so then shabbos comes in lamitas malachi sarah sir i didn't put a trolling done let me put the shoulder in there you can't so shabbos only has what she gets from the six work days which makes her sound very passive and weak which is by the way the biggest misunderstanding about femininity because if you only understand half of what a macabre is you think a macabre's a loser because she's dependent she can't even make her own potato cocoa shabbos in order for there to be potato cook on shabbat she has to get it from sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday she can't make her own potato but that's only half a femininity that's only half of being a macabre what's the other half like we're saying that what she takes she ends up developing and giving back just proportionally more so the six workdays give shabbos a potato kogal she takes a potato cuggle and she turns that into shabbos rest and connection and recalibration of our purpose here in the world yes i have to pretend that i'm benching yes something far more valuable than a potato google can tell you that far more valuable than trolling you have to make the potato coke go on the weekday to give to shabbos but then what shabbos gives back is incomparably greater okay and and that's the truth with every mash be a macabre relationship teacher and student right teacher and student so on one hand the teacher has to give the student the teacher doesn't start talking then what are we going to talk about but when the a real student a real talmud who's in a cobble absorbs from the teacher it's in the teacher greater insight that he would never have gotten on his own he wouldn't have gotten it on his own so who who's the real who's the real giver or uh sacral and and and dibor say helen dibor like when you need when you have an idea and you don't understand it fully so you need to speak it out so you take the cycle the intellect and you start speaking you know i'm just thinking out loud like we say and when you start to verbal verbally articulate something so you end up understanding it better so hold on a second deborah is a total macabre because if you don't have information to speak about then there's nothing there's no words so deborah is them kabul and yet seiko ends up receiving from dibor because when you speak it out you end up getting back insights you would never have gotten if you didn't speak it same thing with middles and deeper by the way that uh when you have an emotion let's say and uh you feel something and you realize you're feeling something and you say oh i gotta stop talking or i'm gonna i'm gonna cry i'm gonna break down and then you stop talking and then you you know like a real man i don't feel like no i'm okay okay but let me ask you a question how come if you would continue speaking you would start crying it's interesting it's misbehaving cobble because from one hand the divor is only a mecabul it's only a channel to express the emotion that you already have yet it's when you speak the middle the emotion through the divorce through the speech that the emotion the original emotion gets intensified so that if you talk if you continue speaking then you're gonna end up crying and if you don't speak then you're not gonna cry doesn't make sense if you feel sad enough to cry then speaking or not speaking shouldn't make the difference and yet it does why because when you take the emotion and you put it in the the the vessel of speech the vessel of speech doesn't just transmit the the the emotion that was placed in her she adds to it she magnifies it she amplifies it and it ends up coming out much greater than how it was given to her so every mesh pima cobble relationship that you can describe is like that there is a giver and a recipient but the recipient is also dynamic she is not passive she is not passive which is the great misunderstanding about femininity and to the contrary actually she is an even bigger giver than him and you want to talk about men and women okay let's just start with the biological which is indisputable you know the man what does he give i'm talking about how babies are made what does the man give to the woman atipa nothing so impressive what does she give back nine months later your child with a personality and a name and a smile that's that's called an infinite upgrade that's not just a little upgrade that's not even uh twice as good or 100 times as good or even a million times as good that's an infinite and infinite degree of improvement so that's mushroom a cup okay now let's go back to our question and uh as we're about to go back to our question i want to remind everyone again because i i said it at the very beginning but i'm going to say it again now this is for married men both married and men if you're not married you're not a man you shouldn't be listening to this and even if you think it will help you um i'm not so sure and i will not take responsibility if this information is not helpful to you if you are disregarding the warning here right now i fully understand i'm cognizant of the fact that somebody may take this and forward it to somebody else and again if you have access to this kind of stuff you have access to things that are much more explicit and uh that is the reality of the world today but i'm asking you to exercise a little bit of self-discipline and uh at least for your own benefit you should uh you should know that this message is not the same message that would be delivered to single men and it's also not the same message that would be delivered to women and in fact for a woman to hear some of the things that i'm going to tell the men could cause the opposite of shalom bias it could be weaponized god forbid because i'm going to speak real just between those guys and i'm going to talk about what we got to do as men but it wouldn't be necessarily such a good thing for a woman to hear these things and to start to [Music] uh resent that maybe her husband isn't living up to the ideal just yet who among us is living up to the ideal but here i want to speak on lofty on a lofty level and i do want to speak about the ideal but i just don't uh i don't want that used against anybody god forbid i don't want this used against anybody we have to be able to feel safe as meant to speak about what we're striving for but it should never be used against us to uh to show us that we're not yet there i think we all have a right to be works in progress and to admit that we have higher standards than we are currently able to achieve so i just hope everyone will take this warning to heart and uh do the right thing okay so a mashpia and a mecabul yeah a man is a giver and a woman is an even bigger giver ayve so then what is my identity you told me i'm a mashbiya okay i'm a giver but now i looked into it and i just found out that she's a giver too and in fact everything that i give her she gives me back an upgraded version of it she's always showing me up she's always out doing me but that's that's the relationship between mashiva and mccobble so then what what am i good for anyway you know like what what what do we need men for what's my role what's my value here i'm a giver but she's also a giver and in fact she's an even bigger giver so the answer to that question is yes it is true mccobbell ultimately is a bigger giver than the meshbia but the mashbia is essential and will always be needed because the mashpiya gives first the mashbia gives first so a man is a giver and a woman's a bigger giver but the man is the first giver he's got to be the first giver and if he's not the first giver then he's not a meshbia and the whole cedric touchless gets inverted and that doesn't work for anyone so let's talk about what that really means to be the first giver maybe i'll start on an emotional level i won't jump right into intimacy although i think we need to get to that point let's start on an emotional level man comes home tired from his work day maybe his wife was out working too you know today from families and how much money you have to make to be middle class so maybe there's two people working full-time right so he's not even uh necessarily only the the the chief breadwinner but he comes home he's tired from his day of work he sees his wife he goes over to her and what does he want what does he want from her he wants comfort he wants i know i've come home i've come home to my wife this is this is my safe place this is a place of nurture that's what that's what a woman is and i go to her and i say the world has beaten me up please love me validate me spread your warmth upon me and make me feel all right now i don't speak like that because i'm not a poet but you know in so many words you come over and uh you know you want to tell her about your day and she should take your side in every argument that you tell her about and uh you want to complain and she should say yes you work so hard it's so true you're so good we love you so much you're such a wonderful tati or maybe even not to jump into the intimacy stuff but you want physical affection maybe that's the comfort that you're looking for but the point is you walk through the door and you're looking for your wife to soothe you and why wouldn't you expect that you know the first woman that you knew well if you had a healthy relationship with your mother that's what the first woman that you were close to did she was there to soothe you and comfort you i mean so that's our paradigm for femininity but if you stop stop freeze frame pause think about it i just walked through the door with all my emotional needs on my sleeve looking for my wife to be my comfort am i walking through the door as meshpia or as macabul am i walking through the door as a giver or a receiver i mean it's clear i've come to receive i've come to receive and it's clear that that's against my nature and it's bound for failure and frustration even if i don't know why i keep getting upset and disappointed but if i'm fighting my nature i'm fighting the existential reality of husband and wife being mushri and macabre there's no way i'm going to succeed and everyone ends up feeling unsatisfied and not even necessarily knowing why and a lot of men will complain and they'll say but what about me i work hard i just want a little bit of love acknowledgement approval affection what about me and the answer is you're right but you have to know how much biamacabal works she'll give to you in fact she'll give you more than you could ever give to her because a macabre is actually a greater giver than a mashfield but you have to give first you have to give first you walk through that door and fill her up with no expectation or concern for getting anything back walk through the door and initiate the flow of giving all the direction of the energy should all become going outward what does that mean you walk through the door as tired as you are as beaten up by the world as you are as much as you feel that you have unmet emotional needs or even you feel emotionally depleted because of all the interactions outside of the house which took away energy and you feel like you need to refill don't refill yourself refill her i can't i have nothing i have nothing you do because you're also a wife jewish men are also wives hashem is our husband he's armasbia we're his mecabul and incidentally yes we give him back more than he gives us he creates a world but we give him adida in him we can talk about that later i don't want to break the flow over here receive from hashem hashem is empowering you you're a husband this is your mitzvah you have a nissimus kayak for this and you're built for it too because in your relationship with your wife you are the man you are the meshbeer and give just give give give give give give and you say well how much how much giving i mean i'm gonna sit there and i'm gonna just let her talk and talk and talk and talk she'll never she never gets filled up i i i can tell you because i i sit there for half an hour and she just she's she still knocks at us i sit there for an hour she's not satisfied okay so not trying to make a joke but if this thing is on the table the clock didn't start ticking yet the iphone here if the smartphone's on the table the clock how can you tell me that you're giving to her and you're filling her up when you're when your device is dinging no giving to her filling her up means she's your focus you know how people talk about this is supposedly for laboratories so i'll use uh inside baseball references uh this class was marketed for laboratories i don't know who's actually gonna watch it but uh you know how people talk about who people had and how they're it's very common you'll hear people say you know i know the baba chidaba was so busy he had so much going on and yet when i was in the devil's room i felt like i was the only person alive i felt like he was completely present with me okay so that's what it means focus that's what it means being there for somebody and you walk through the door and you fill her up and it doesn't take forever if you stay focused on her if there's a quality of time then the quantity of time will also eventually click in and she'll feel satisfied she'll feel filled up you will have emotionally impregnated her and it doesn't take nine months for this baby to be born because this is like a little micro impregnation what happens is she's ready to give you back in the form of that nurturing that you seek but if you walk through the door and you try to be the first receiver instead of the first giver and take it from her what have you done you've actually turned yourself into the mccobble you've turned yourself into the feminine party in the relationship you're trying to get pregnant and it won't work you don't have the parts i'm not talking biological here i'm talking emotionally and spiritually you can't get pregnant so you want her to be the initial giver when you walk through the door feeling emotionally needy but she can't impregnate you you can only impregnate her so what happens when we reverse mashpia and macabul and we try to make the mccobble the first giver when we try to make her give before she's been filled up everyone fails and everyone gets disappointed because you took the whole cedar esthaus list the whole system the way hashem set things up how to flow and you inverted it so that now what za is supposed to be macabre from malchus so we'll be ultimately my couple from malchus and ultimately malchus is casser and and and and and is asia's highla teres byla she's the crown but that's after the process of unification where zorg comes to maurice as a selfless giver and impregnates her then after gestation and and and nurturing what he gave her she can turn around after a process of development and give it back to him in an upgraded fashion which is infinitely greater than what she received at first and then yes then she is the giver and she is actually kessar and she's a terrace violet but it's the culmination of a process it's the culmination of a process that's why shabbos which is feminist safe might shove a trilo yeah that's true conceptually it's all about what maurice is going to do but uh procedurally that's not how it works you have to respect the process you want to hear a joke backwards okay start laughing that's not respecting the process to hear a joke backwards start laughing you laugh first and then i'll tell you the joke doesn't work that way okay so you can't walk through the door and take from her you've got to walk through the door and invest in her and then she'll give you back incomparably more than what you invested and i don't mean investing in a crass way where you're doing it for the payoff obviously not i mean you're doing it for fun and for free altruistically but the side benefit is yes it ends up being very profitable for everyone involved because she also wants to be a nurturer but you can't make her be michal shabas you understand what i mean by that when i say you can't make her be mahalo shabbas the six days of work which are masculine have to prepare and give to shabbos the raw materials she needs in order to turn those raw materials into something incomparably greater so in this case the raw materials are baking the kugel that we spoke about before if the six workdays didn't want to make kugel they said you know what let shabbos make kogu that's called khil shabbas making a coco on shabbos is called hill shabbos making malchus or the macabre provide the raw materials that were supposed to be provided by the mashbia is a form of desecrating the shabbos or desecrating the feminine or desecrating the sanctity of the macabre we don't want kill shabbas we want shabbos to be able to receive the best that the six workdays can provide for her and then she'll take all that and turn it into something wonderfully greater than what she got okay so now let's talk about intimacy let's let's get into it and i see there are questions in the chat which i'll look at but uh not just yet not just yet you know um the gemada speaks about a concept of a man forcing his wife what it calls over there it's interesting the the modern era says to do a dvar mitzvah and it means conjugal rights so it's it's a var mitzvah right it's a good thing but it says that um you shouldn't force her and if he does not good things come from it also speaks about it in uh in uh kalarapsi also in the modern arabian it's uh you're not allowed to force your wife to be intimate it's interesting because i i heard recently people discussing the idea of consent and whether or not that's just pc tripe and especially consent within marriage well uh yeah there is a concept in plato because i'll do speak about the idea that there's such a thing called consent it's not a criminal discussion here that's not what we're talking about we're talking about is the proper functioning of mashpia and mecabul and how can a giver be a giver when he's taking you can't be so if you're forcing your wife to be intimate are you giving her intimacy or are you trying to take it from her in which case it's not intimate at all and you're not a meshbia at all see here's the thing remember i said at the beginning that for all those years we had to repress that side of ourselves and then all of a sudden the floodgates open and now it's off to the races and i asked how can we do that how can we flip 180 degrees and just go from one extreme to the up to the other to the opposite and it was really a trick question because the answer is we don't we don't go from one extreme to the other it really never changes it wasn't human sexuality that was evil it was never evil and he didn't suddenly become holy on the day of the wedding it was always holy what was evil what's clipper and those who learned tanya know this the clip is say have have give me give me give me give me give me give me kedusha is bottle that means it is surrendered it says reporting for duty sir that's kedusha kadusha is i'm here to do whatever the job calls for klippa is what's in it for me so it was never that human sexuality was good or bad it's the giving and taking are what is holy or sitra happens to be that when you're a single man there's absolutely no way to use your sexuality as a giver there's no there's no place to give to there's no recipient to receive so therefore it has no place in your life and if you do as a single man express that aspect of human nature it by definition will be in a selfish manner of taking because there's no way to give because there's no recipient it will always be selfish it will always be taking when somebody when a man looks where he shouldn't look and has pleasure from what he sees is he giving or is he taking whether he's looking at pixels on a screen or he's looking at a real person on the street don't tell me he's giving anything no he's taking he's taking and that's what's unnatural and unhealthy for us we're mushp and we're meant to be givers and now we're going around taking let's set aside intimacy for a second let's talk about something more powerful something less emotionally charged let's talk about the said of that you guys like kabbalah right daemon four levels of creation so you have the inanimate the vegetative the animal and the human so you know if a person eats a piece of steak with animal lust he just gobbles it down for the physical pleasure of it it's a degradation to that animal that died for that experience which is why the gemara actually says that an amaha audit shouldn't eat meat somebody who's crass somebody who's physical audits means physicality so he won't be able to take the energy from the animal and repurpose it and elevate it so it's actually it's a urethra it's a degradation for that soul of that animal because really the human being wasn't supposed to take from the animal he's supposed to give to the animal when a human being eats meat it's supposed to be an act of giving and if it's not an act of giving don't eat meat and really the same thing with vegetation when you eat brussels sprouts you're not supposed to take from them you're supposed to give to them don't eat brussels sprouts just because they're geshmak well in that case it's not such an associate but maybe somebody likes brussels sprouts anyways but eat the brussels sprouts because they give you calories that you can use to dive and to learn to do mitzvahs in which case you're a giver you're giving an alia to the energy in the brussels sprouts because now they become mitzvah brussels sprouts starving brussels sprouts learning brussels sprouts whereas before they were just clipas noiga now they're kidosha so you gave it an alia that it couldn't do for itself so not to compare a woman to a brussels sprout but to compare uh intimacy to eating yeah it's very similar you can eat in a selfish way where you're taking from the food in which case you have inverted cedar establish you've reversed the flow of energy the way it's supposed to go because you're supposed to be giving an aliyah to the food you eat not taking pleasure from it and the same thing with intimacy you're the mashbiya you're supposed to be giving something to her not taking something from her so here's the thing when you're a single man the only way that the sexual urge that is naturally human beings can express itself in your life is in a selfish manner there is no selflessness there's no selfless sexual act for a single man other than abstinence and chastity and and not thinking about it but there's no active way to be selfless because there's there's there's no forum to give to i mean there's there's no mcabel there's no mecabul so what happens though is that a young man a single man all of a sudden he gets married and in his mind and i see this over and over and over and over again he flips the switch that now everything that i wasn't allowed to take before and so either i resisted taking it because it was not permissible or god forbid i was initial and i took it but i felt guilty about it but now i can take with impunity they took the lock off of the candy store and i can go into the candy store and i can grab whatever i want first of all i want to talk about that in two levels practical and spiritual but they're the same thing on a practical level do you think that's the formula for shalom bias that all of a sudden you're a kid in the candy store and she's the candy store she's going to feel cherished and respected she's going to feel safe and by the way just remember men and women are different not just emotionally but even physically and for a woman safety emotional safety is an incredibly huge part of intimacy for us emotionally and biologically for reasons i'm not going to be that explicit to explain but go figure it out nobody's encroaching on our territory and by the way one of the the greatest uh wounds that we can experience as men is when somebody sexually encroaches on our territory if you understand what i'm describing so safety for a woman is incredibly important the fact she feels she feels secure to be able to allow something into her and more and we take for granted that uh you know physical urges or physical urges which to some extent they are and for a while you can get by just on the fact that you know the newlywed thing and people are interested in something that's new and the next obamas enjoys it for a while you can get by on that but it doesn't make it any less insulting to her and i don't mean she's being insulted on the principle of the matter that she chooses to be insulted no i mean existentially it's unavoidable she's being used right now how is she not going to feel used up when she's literally being used so that's the practical level on the spiritual level i'm talking about the problem of bursting into the candy store and looting on the spiritual level you tell me mashbiya how's that working are you a mashbiya when you're running into the candy store and looting how are you a giver you're you're you're you're invested in out of control taking at that point you're just taking you're gobbling consuming you're a consumer so here's what i want to try to explain to you you know what makes pornography such an avla is that you can only consume it it's impossible to be a giver there's nothing to give to you're just taking well you tell me now the moment you get married now now your wife becomes the substitute for the pornography now you can just take from her so before you weren't allowed and now they took the lock off the candy store go ahead and loot tell me how safe she's gonna feel tell me how respected she's going to feel and tell me mashpia how true to your essence and your spiritual identity are you going to feel as a looter and a taker when that's not who you are meant to be and that's not how you were built you were meant to be a mashbeer you were meant to be a giver so i mean you can talk to me about the levels in in induration and that if a man knows that he's going to sin so it's better that he should cohabit with his wife than to do an aveda and you're you're right that's true that's true okay but that's the lowest level that's the lowest level yeah it's better than doing the aveda can we not agree it's just a different version of the same old stuff that wasn't healthy when you were a baker okay so you want to ask me hilatically black and white first of all not a rav and i'm not asking her questions now or at any point but if you want to one halakhah question you can ask me is it us or is it right it's mother but is that the only yardstick is that the only uh [Music] is that the only criterion so is it better to be with your wife than to do an evader yeah but woe is to us if the reason for for marital intimacy becomes that i wanted to take in a totally user way instead i'll take in this way okay so it's better yes it's better but we can do a lot better than that what changes when you get married is that all of a sudden you have a brand new opportunity to be a giver in this area of your life you have this part of your personality and i keep i keep calling it a part of a personality it's actually incorrect because according to hasidis it's not it's not a part of your personality it's actually the essence of your personality actually the the human desire for reunion with our other half is actually it comes from atsum hanefish it's the deepest part of our soul so it's not just an aspect of our selfhood that was repressed for all those years it's really in a certain way the deepest deepest essence of who we are which we had to sort of put a lid on for all those years and now all of a sudden we have an opportunity to be givers from the essence to truly give from that deepest part of ourselves but don't make that mistake and think oh before the problem was it was us and now it's so all the things that i wanted to indulge in before as a selfish obsessed consumer now i can finally do it okay it may or may not be motor but let's say it even is muthur like i was saying before i'm not getting into the halacha let's say it's mother that i've told you okay yeah i guess you could do it but don't tell me that that's gonna be fulfilling to you or to her don't tell me that's gonna bring peace don't tell me that you're gonna feel that that's a brand new spiritual vista that's opened up in your life a new opportunity to connect to hashem that you didn't have before no you're just going to say it's a new thrill that i had to repress and now i don't have to repress it anymore so this is what i want you to understand the difference between being single and being married is that when you were single there was no way to give intimately when you're married you can finally do your schlichtas in this world and now you can give intimately but you have to give you have to give and yes we know how much via makable work whatever you put into her you end up getting disproportionately more back yeah yeah we know that we know that we know that that's how a macabre works we told you that from the beginning meshbee is a giver macabre's an even bigger giver yeah we know that but that's not why you do it it's not why you do it it's not with a husband it's not the paneer you do it because that's who you are that's how you were built you were built to be a giver especially in your intimate life i i'll ask you a question the mitzvah that a younger man has the mitzvah of being intimate with his wife is that a mitzvah mitzvos what does it have to do with anything such a technicality well it makes a big difference i think a lot of jingle i think it's but think it's a mitzvah they think it's uh it's a positive commandment something you have to do and in fact not only you have to do it but call hamada more and more and more and more because now i'm married right now it's a mitzvah it's a different kind of a mitzvah it's a lysa do not diminish her aina why is that such an important concept the mitzvah isn't to be intimate with your wife very important the mitzvah is not to withhold intimacy from her well guys get off of zoom what are you doing here you're withholding intimacy from your wife now you can't work you can't learn you can't eat you can't do anything okay so obviously that's it's not shot so so let me ask you another lambda shiloh here what is the khalas of the isser in other words it's like you're not allowed to eat comments on pesach okay but when are you not allowed to eat comments on facebook when it's basic right you're not allowed to do my luck on chops what when it chops okay fine so for something like that i understand there's a certain time that it becomes an issue but sometimes an issue is called because of a condition certain scenarios converge to create the conditions of an issue where now if you don't do something you're going to be over so now you your bull and your donkey are suddenly saddled up under one yoke to pull one plow that's an issue so you gotta take the yolk off or however it's done i'm not a farmer so when would you be either on this live of do not diminish her conjugal rights you're going to tell me about donkey drivers and sailors and camel drivers yeah those are the that's the schedule but i'm saying other than the schedule when she wants it's it's such a world of difference the mitzvah isn't to give it to her the mitzvah is not to withhold it from her but withholding it is entirely defined by her desire for it so in other words when do you have a mitzvah when she wants it now yes i understand the lowest level of the kavona's gracious kohma that if you're going to do an aveda anyway so then it's better to be with her we already said that that's we're not shooting for that we're shooting for the ideal over here okay the real relationship from the male perspective is to be available to her when she desires it so now you're gonna say they well now it's never gonna happen okay so first of all what's wrong with that okay yeah so what you're gonna die you'll be okay you went however many years without expressing this part of yourself so you won't express it now you'll be okay no i'm being very serious and this is why if you're a woman listening to this right now you're damaging your shoulder bias if you're a woman listening to this right now you're damaging your shoulders get off this recording now we'll have something for the women believe now there another time maybe not for me but okay men if she doesn't want it you're not giving her anything by being with her so then your partner you're off the hook oh you have needs yeah okay you have needs i cannot tell you i cannot tell you how much damage it does in the world today when men have a feeling of entitlement about how much intimacy they deserve to have from their wives it makes people miserable it destroys relationships it leads god forbid to to divorce or to miserable marriages relax it's okay it's okay so she doesn't want okay so what are you an animal that's the only thing you can do did you did you learn rambam today go go sit down and learn three practicums go be productive i'm not trying to sound dismissive right now okay god forbid i'm i i don't want to sound dismissive what i'm trying to say is i'm trying to speak to you respectfully i'm trying to tell you you're not an animal okay and yes there is such a thing as needs and that's why in halacha there's a concept of amarettus and she withholds and yes i'm acknowledging all of that and it is a painful thing and there are people who are deprived in that area and yes it is emotionally painful i'm not minimizing it what i'm saying to you though is and if you're in an extreme situation where you're being deprived for a very long time then then we need to speak about sholum bias in a much more serious way because it's not an intimacy issue it's much much more than that okay but i'm saying if you're not getting what you want as often as you want the way that you want uh how many times you want let it go because you're a machia and ultimately all that taking is never going to fill you up anyway that's not how you're built that's not how you're built so you think that it's i didn't eat enough donuts today and that's why i'm sad i i only 12 donuts if i would eat the 13th donut then i wouldn't be sad you know what you could be happy with zero doughnuts you could eat zero donuts you can be happy so that's the first thing i want to say when i said she doesn't want it it's not a mitzvah to give it to her so that's the first thing just okay so she doesn't want it okay great so go fishing do something else but the other thing and this is probably more important is yeah what do you think your job is [Music] it's only a mitzvah [Music] to not deprive her when she wants it but she doesn't want it what do you think your job is your job is to make her feel so safe that she wants it not because you want it and therefore you've got to get her to want it i got something i'm trying to buy but the seller isn't selling so i got to wine and dine this seller so he'll sell me his building right no no because that's still taking it's still taking think of it like this i'm a teacher no in real life i really am a teacher and i want i have something i want to teach but the students don't want to hear it so what what's one approach well if you have a miced backing you up you know it's called a school and they put the kids in a box and there's four walls and you sit at the front and you say everybody be quiet and if you don't listen to me you're getting a knack right so then you force them to sit and listen to you all right but i'm saying in real adult life i've got a lesson i want to teach you and nobody wants to hear it so what should i do like this happens sometimes i'll get up in front of a crowd let's say it's a shabbaton okay seventy percent of people there came to eat chicken thirty percent came for glenn levitt nobody came for atrocious okay it's friday night at ahabad house 200 people sitting there they don't want to hear a darter and they tell me to go up that's what i got paid for go up there save the varterra for 45 minutes so what's my first job when i get up there my my first job is to make them want it there's different ways that we make them want it the mil said which doesn't by the way have to mean a joke doesn't i mean you know why did the chicken cross the road it doesn't have to mean a joke it means as you learned you're all married men movies we marketed this still above you so i'm assuming you learned the the hassan of mimer so you'll learn so the same to open up the transmission on a deeper level you have to first get it going on on a more superficial level so there's the kidzania so you get up there and you you you know you keep it's a little bit with them you make some references you talk about the local sports team whatever you got to do to make them relate to you and then they're going to sit there oh you know what this guy's kind of interesting yeah i'll listen to them for a minute and then you got a minute you got a minute to make them want more it doesn't mean now all of a sudden oh now i can go into whatever says in a sick this week no no no no no no i have a taiwanese so everybody has to sit there and listen to me no i gotta be murderer and you uh uh a samoan that you oh please talk to me that sounds so relevant oh it happens to be a secret oh great great just talk to me speak relevantly speak personally to me and then then they'll listen to the class and then i feel satisfied because i gave a good talk they feel satisfied because they heard something they didn't know before and they think they may use in their in their lives and everybody's happy and fulfilled but you just get up there you know i'll tell you something i i i i heard well it's a known thing that there was a necrophiliac in lubavitch i don't know ian lobovich but he came to lubovic you know what a necrophiliac is yeah yeah so it was it says indrashimus the guy was boyle mess okay not a live girl it's the whole story wasn't it yeah yeah yeah anyways i won't get into the product here it's pretty pretty low aveda anyways so you know that when arabic gives a tikkun he has to find it he has to find the aveda in himself how is a debit supposed to relate to boil aqua mess so i there's there's two versions of the story and in perhaps there were two necrophiliacs in the annals of libovich history or perhaps there was one guy who was nick a second time i don't know i don't know maybe someone can write a book about this history i'd buy that book right anyways one one explanation that that that ebba told in the midwest told him that um well i don't know if he actually told him this but how he found it in himself with you know the mittle ever never handled money because he was very very holy and but when he was a little boy he once saw a coin and he wanted the coin and the tsuru baya you know the the on coins often you have royalty so this one like queen elizabeth so uh you know so this was a queen so he saw a coin with a picture of a woman on it and he wanted it so he related to the idea of somebody who wanted an inanimate woman non-jewish woman oh yeah i also had that timer once i wanted to pick up a coin that had a picture of some dead queen on it okay i can really see i could relate to you but then another version of this that i heard was that and i believe this was with the tamarted he said yeah i could relate to it sometimes they say a mime when i know the alum doesn't hear like i'm saying and there's really there's not an audience there's no crowd for it you know they're not and i say the mimer giving to a mecabo who's not fully present and fully desirous of the spa is like dysfunctional intimacy you want to say like necrophilia okay or you could just call it like degrading dehumanizing marital intimacy that leaves both parties feeling yucky i think that's the clinical term is yucky so if i want to give a speech i kind of first make you want to hear what i have to say if i want to give you something that requires you opening up and letting me into your world then i have to make you feel safe i have to make you want it i have to make you feel like this is going to be honorable and respectful and uplifting and i'm not going to be and then once you let me into your inner world i'm not going to go violating things and messing with things and rearranging things because remember you're the macabre you're letting me in like that's that's a big responsibility on my part to be sensitive to that i'm a guest in your house so how do i make the host want to be a host and feel safe enough to open the door not by pounding on the door and saying let me in let me in you're here to give to me if you're here to give to me then why are you pounding on the door you know how you'll know that you're a giver is if i open the door and i stand out on the porch and i say where's my giver oh my hero here he is he's arrived come on in so let me speak very very and again i will say the warning that this is for married men married and men so you know you talk to different people and depending on how enlightened they are they will talk more or less explicitly and they may tell you things about intimacy like men are different than women and they tell you something called foreplay okay yeah i've said a bad word i won't say it again okay you know what that is you know what that word is you know what that means it means opening the car door for her it means leaving your cell phone in the other room when you sit down to have a cup of tea with her it means when you had a bad day and she had a bad day you let her talk you give her your focus instead of trying to take focus from her that's the warm-up to intimacy but if you don't do that you walked through the door you were immediately taking trying to take validation and feminine nurturing approval and maternal love and all that stuff which freud would have a field day with and you walk in you're trying to take from her and then all of a sudden at night you say let me give to you give you haven't been giving to me since you walked through the door you've been taking and now you're going to take even more in a more violating way because now you're going to take from my essence and then sexuality becomes demeaning and depressing and disappointing and nobody knows why and this good sweet holy younger man is totally baffled because he says i don't understand for 25 years i wasn't allowed to express that part of myself and i was a good boy and now they told me it's permissible and the candy store has opened up what am i doing wrong i'm being yelled at for for for taking candy when finally they took the lock off the candy store and maybe if i can continue with this ridiculous marshall but off the cuff i might say yeah they took the door off they took the lock off the door not so you should loot the candy store they wanted you to become a worker in the candy store and to take care of it they wanted to do inventory and make sure that all the shelves are stocked they wanted to do some interior design make sure that the store looks nice they wanted you to love this store take care of this store and yeah obviously if you take care of the store you'll make a profit from it as well but the satisfaction will be in nurturing and taking care of this beautiful candy store not including it like some stranger who's there to just take it for everything it's worth and then disappear so this is this is what makes me you know sad is that when i see a very well-intended bachelor gets married becomes a younger man and he doesn't know why he's frustrated and his wife is frustrated what am i doing wrong and and and the answer the harsh answer and again if you're a woman you're listening to this you're not helping your shoulder bias right now by hearing this i'm speaking right now to us men on the highest level on the highest level and on the highest level let me say to you men if she's a substitute for pornography then what is she substitute pornography just like there's there's no way to give two pixels on a screen you could only take from them well selfish sexuality is also pornography because you're not giving to her you're just taking from her as if she were pixels on a screen that's that's what we mean when we talk about objectification of women maybe that sounds like uh modern liberal talk to you but it's a real thing objectification of what does it mean objectification what does it mean turning somebody into an object it means being a user means being a user you're a mashbiya not a user you're a servant that's the opposite of a user you entered this girl's life to give to her spiritually mentally intellectually emotionally socially and yes physically intimately but to give to her physically and intimately and if you can't give to her please don't settle for being a taker in that part of the relationship which is not just a part of the relationship it's really the essence of the relationship okay so there's a lot of questions that came in and let me let me try to look at the questions now i'm not sure how this is supposed to work if i'm just going to look in the chat or if we should let people unmute themselves but uh yeah i got questions that came in through email beforehand and i have questions from the direct chat that are coming in now um one one question here was do standards still matter do i still need a filter that's a very interesting question basically someone's saying like this when i was about her i need to have a filter on my phone because i'm going to see something and it's going to cause hearing it's going to trigger me but now i'm married maybe i don't need a filter because if i'll see a dirty picture and i'll have a taivo i'll just take it out on my wife it doesn't sound so good when i say it that way does it but sometimes you gotta say it like it is that's what he's really asking you say when i had no outlet for it i understand but that's you have to be careful you have to protect yourself but now worse comes the worst if i'll see something there'll be more taiwa okay i know where to go for that and again i'm well aware that gracias khachma says it's better to be with your wife than to do the aveda but that's the lowest level of kavanaugh okay we're not going for the lowest level we're going for the higher levels and the highest level yes you have to be [Music] careful about what you're exposed to maybe even more maybe even more and i'll tell you why because when you were single it was basically binary it was off on and you have to keep it always off you don't want to turn it on you need to keep it off now that you're married and there is an appropriate time for turning on the on switch do you want foreign stuff seeping in to your intimate life do you want ideas and images to be in the back of your head creating expectations about what your deepest connection to your wife should be like so in a certain way it's even more important now to be upgraded to be careful to be to protect yourself because now you do have a way of expressing that aspect of human nature and you want to make sure that it stays pure especially because you're the giver remember you're the giver so you're the giver in many ways but um it also means you're setting the tone in intimacy so you want to introduce things even subconsciously they come from an inappropriate source from a source where human intimacy is is is reduced to a mechanical bodily function you have something precious now to protect something holy to protect that's what i would say to that but that was a great question and you see that question is coming from the same mistake that i'm trying to explain over here okay let's um let's look at another one can i show affection to my wife outside the bedroom at home if no one is around okay so i i told you before i'm not going to pass you and i'm not going to answer halak questions so whether it's asar or it's muther please ask a competent love but instead of answering yes or no i want to do the traditional jewish thing and answer a question with another question okay and i want to i just want to ask you to ponder okay so here's my question to you you said can i show affection to my wife outside the bedroom at home if no one is around so here's my question to you um what you're describing to me is it giving or is it taking this is not this is not a leading question by the way i don't know the answer to it i'm asking it earnestly because i could imagine definitely a scenario that would be clearly unhealthy from a meshia point of view where you're overcome with desire and uh so you don't uh resist from uh behavior that belongs in one room uh exhibiting that behavior in another room and maybe even you were told that this will be good for the marriage because she'll feel desired shall feel desired yeah i've heard that one too before yeah we shall feel desired so i want to tell you something people give advice like that are they telling you how to pick up girls or how to stay married happily for decades because if you want to be my a taivor you want to be a pickup artist and you want to get human lust going that's one thing and if you're just going for short-term gain and that's all that matters in fact you don't want anything long-term so yeah sometimes it works and you know sometimes you get slapped right like like any any lothario will tell you that they'll get 90 rejections or harassment suits or whatever it is today but you know 10 out of 100 they'll uh you know they'll close the deal and all they were looking for was short-term gain so why not you got to go for it so yeah if if you want a short-term relationship with a lot of uh you know physical uh excitement and a lot of the you know hormonal biological stuff um yeah yeah yeah you could just go into that animalistic mode where you're all desirous and and you're conveying desire and you you're hungry with desire and that that may work for a short period of time um i don't know anyone especially who i was going to say i don't know anyone who gets married with hope and conducion whose plan is just to [Music] date your your your wife for a year and then split up but uh especially i don't know i don't know anyone who's on this zoom who would take time out to listen to a seduction approach to sholambias who would say yes i would be happy with um degrading dehumanizing but more animalistically exciting courtship with my wife than after the after the relationship becomes totally devoid of any trust or respect and has no content or or meaning to stand on so then after a year we'll split up and it's fine we'll just get a lather rinse for people do it again i don't know anyone who who's thinking that way what you're thinking is i want to be married for the rest of my life i want this woman to raise my children i want this woman to to to play with my grandchildren and yes intimacy and and and physical bonding is a huge part of a marriage but in the right way in the way that facilitates long-term success not short-term success so you know somebody may have told you bad advice you know go go grab her in the kitchen and she'll feel desired she'll feel it'll be thrilling how long does thrilling last for you know everyone likes to go to great adventure but you don't live there they call great adventure i'm from chicago six flags great america today i was teaching in seminary and i said great america and nobody knew what great america was except for one girl from chicago so but yeah in new york they call it great adventure anyways you don't live at six flags so the answer to the question is by all means have a healthy physical relationship with your wife where there's love and there's desire but do it thoughtfully do it proactively not reactively you know grabbing somebody because their form is irrative in you and impulsively you just have to grab them like you want to pop a piece of cake in your mouth that's not proactive that's reactive that's reactive oh but it's so spontaneous and fun okay again if you want short term excitement go for it you just eventually it doesn't translate into decades-long success so how about a little more proactive intimacy in other words instead of grabbing her in the kitchen at 6 00 pm start planning at 7 00 am how you're going to get her into the bedroom by 9 pm so it's 7 a.m when you put out a coffee for her and she feels respected now you're making her feel safe that you'll be able to get her into katie shakudoshi by 9 pm and do everything that she needs you to do she needs you to do for her not to her for her at 9pm in the right place instead of at 6pm i grabbed her in the kitchen and well she's a human being she has a body she has a nepheja bamas so maybe even she did get aroused and great but it worked once are you a pickup artist you're looking for a one-night stand so it worked you're going to build a life on that you just sold out your identity for that one night of physical intimacy because your identity is the giver you're the mashbiya you just made yourself a mecabul for what a night of fun wasn't worth it that's what asap did he wanted to gobble up the the porridge so much he sold his whole future for it that's what the clipper does pour it down my throat i don't care about the future and then until you wake up and you do care about the future you realize you made a bad decision invest invest it's called the haksha mitzvah raga traverse speaks about it mitzvah you got to start prepping and priming you know it's like when does chakras begin you know the famous question when do you start preparing for chakras so some people say uh mikvah some people saying um zayn is found dominant some people say no maidani no the real preparation for krishna the night before proactive not reactive okay um what else those were emails i got let me look at the some of the questions are coming in on the chat most of them are direct messages they're all direct messages okay um i'm just i didn't read this first but i'm gonna just read it hi i'm because it just came in a second ago hi i'm well oh why are wives listening to this wives cannot be listening to this somebody's telling me this wife was listening to this well i told you if you're a woman listening to this that it's going to not lead to scholar bias it's going to take away from your show on bias if a wife listened to this and it caused problems tell her to text me tonight and uh i'm going to explain to her why she shouldn't have listened to it but yeah tell her to text me tonight here i'll put my tell you my number now i'm gonna have more people texting me okay four one two but this is gonna go on youtube oh my goodness okay you know what send an email okay other because my phone doesn't stop ringing as it is okay i'm gonna give you my email rabbi.talbot gmail.com okay rabbi.taub gmail.com please if any damage came from this uh tell tell her to email me rabbi that talbot gmail.com okay somebody writes here what's wrong with fun couples should have fun and enjoy their fun their time together yeah good okay you're right i have no i have no answer to that that's such a i feel so busted over here what's wrong with fun when did i say there's anything wrong with fun when did i say that that's a straw man argument sir you're putting in my mouth a weak form of my argument and then dismissing it when did i say couples shouldn't have fun you can have fun i just said don't use the most holy most powerful tool for bonding that you were given in a cheap silly infantile way in other words yeah have fun yeah have fun but there's something called fun and there's something called serious human intimacy was not given to us as a diversion or as a pastime take your wife to the baseball game for all i care that's fine that's okay go to a baseball game play baseball that's better at least you're doing something active it's healthier but you think that human sexuality is given to us for fun and by the way when i say it wasn't given to us for fun i don't mean it was given to us for the opposite what's the opposite of fun boredom or pain you could argue it's either of those two it wasn't given to us for boredom it wasn't given to us for pain it wasn't given but it wasn't given to us for fun you know you know why the bris is called the ice brisket you know why the malp reproductive organ is called the holiest part of the body because it's really the dirtiest part of the body and we just like euphemism so we call it the holiest part of the body do you believe that no that's a joke no it is the holy spirit so why is it the holiest part of the body well what's holy mean kedusha means kadushu movtol separated or designated something that is separated or designated means it is set apart for a particular function so le marshal i could take my villain and use them as a doorstop caster shalom i could but that would be a misappropriation that would be a misuse that would be taking something that's designated for a very specific purpose and using it for something that's not what it was intended for so kedusha called the shimoda really means that which is designated and the holier it is the more designated it is so when you have something that has a special purpose that's holy so here's the thing you can use to fill in as a doorstop god forbid or as a paperweight god forbid yeah you could you could use a hummish to prop up your air conditioner god forbid yeah you could it'll work and you could use your reproductive organs for past time and diversion and entertainment you can you can it'll work but that's not what they were designated for they were designated to give you the ability to bond in a god-like manner with your other half in the same manner in which the creator bonds with creation when a man and a woman bond through marital intimacy they are being godlike and that's why our reproductive organs were given to us so you could use it for fun but what i would like to tell you to do is yes have fun in your marriage but use other things for the fun use your private parts for deep serious bonding and use i don't know um streamers and balloons for fun you put up some streamers confetti get some confetti that's fun get some cake that's fun but your private parts that's not for fun it's not a toy that's a tool like filling that was given to you to connect to hashem and you have to treat it with reverence and respect does that make sense somebody writes here does it ever get easier to ignore your personal desires for her or is this something i'm going to have to fight with forever you know when i was a baker with us and he said something which i didn't understand i thought i understood it and i even laughed like ah i understand and i didn't understand it he said that when you become old he said he said like i don't have the teeth right i can't chew so i was like oh that's so funny like he wants to go eat shawarma but he can't chew the shawarma what he meant is i realize now that well there is something called receiver which biologically is a real thing i mean it's called hormones and biologically physically your body will calm down but your mind you have the same tive as you just don't have the teeth your mind will only be in control the same way that you did it when you were 15. when you're focused on good things when you feel good about yourself when you have some self-respect and some self-esteem and your life is busy so then it's not that you won't have tives because like i mentioned in the beginning that you know perhaps says the unavoidable like human condition but you know your things pop into your head but if when you're feeling good about yourself you have much more of a an ability to [Music] tell yourself no to tell yourself yeah that's that's inappropriate let's let's move on let's let's get focused on something different right now and that and that that need to be in control of your machavo that's the same as when you're 15 years old that doesn't change so paul should begosmius yeah the amish that takes it a little bit easier on you as you get older but uh whatever if i wanted to be really grub i'd have a good comedy routine right here about uh physical uh differences between a teenager and uh a middle-aged man but uh yeah but gosh means it'll get easier but machava you have to be on top of it and what does it mean to be on top of it like i said but i'll say it again because it's so important the thoughts are going to pop up the thoughts pop up but how quickly you're able to dismiss it and move on to something productive and appropriate is going to depend on again how fulfilling your life is right now how busy you are with with good things your level of self-respect your level of self-esteem whether you're feeling productive right now like because when you're feeling depressed and you're feeling like a loser and you're in pain and then you have a a taivor that could give you a quick numbing so then of course you go for you you reach for the drink you reach for the numbing but uh yeah to answer your question doesn't become less important as you get older it becomes more important we have to control our our thoughts i have to control our thoughts okay somebody writes here yes but oh no this is a i don't know what they're saying yes but to okay yes but pleasure is and or should be an essential part of intimacy isn't a cv men giving his wife pleasure and essential part of the mitzvah first of all go ahead and give her pleasure although you talk about your pleasure that was your pleasure i thought this was your mitzvah what about simcha show mitzvah that should be your pleasure why isn't that your mitzvah i mean why isn't that your pleasure you you're doing your mitzvah that's that's pleasure but he's saying you know shouldn't there be yeah yeah but you know what the greatest pleasure is you look again i'm telling you you know you stay in the fascists you know we have two we have two souls so enough obama's point of view you could go for the immediate gratification and and go for a night of you know good animalistic fulfillment you know you can it'll work it'll work but for how long so what i'm describing to you about being um thinking about long term i'm not describing to you an intimate life that's devoid of pleasure or love or bonding or closeness to the contra i'm describing one that's much more bonding because instead of just trying to get from her the same thing you could get from pixels on a screen instead what you're doing is you're bonding with her on an emotional level on a mental level on a social level and yes on a physical level now that's not fulfilling why would that not be fulfilling and ultimately it's also pleasurable and in fact i mean i guess it takes a certain maturity but that's much more pleasurable than a physical stimulus it physically feels good so i guess you got to kind of choose your pleasure now i said before that women should not listen to this i would say some of the things i'm saying to you tonight i would say the exact opposite to women like first of all i don't want them to hear all this stuff about men who are taking from their wives and emotionally vampirizing them and and sexually looting them like god forbid and i think someone just told me that a woman was listening which i begged them not to and it caused problems and now i'm going to have to deal with that after i get off the zoom okay but there's other reasons why i don't want women listening because based on everything we we learned about mishpia macabul from man to look to intimacy as a way of receiving pleasure is only going to end up as disappointment for him but if a woman hears that message and she wants to be a citizen woman and so she hears this and shea staub said you know intimacy isn't for fun and for pleasure but it's a deeper kind of pleasure the fulfillment of knowing that you're doing your schlichtest in the world yeah that's for a man but a woman's going to hear that and she's going to have all this religious guilt and feel all uptight and think that she's not supposed to experience any pleasure when for her no it's for her it's the exact opposite when you learn siddhis you realize that vegeta vasmirat vumared so when it comes to mashpia and makable yeah intimacy is different from ashby than from kabul i mean like you didn't know that before intimacy is different from men than it is for women of course it is and i think this is one of those those ways i wouldn't give women a whole big speech about stop looking for pleasure in your intimate life but for men you better believe i would talk about it in fact i would spend an hour and 48 minutes per separating on that topic over and over and over again and i still wouldn't think i said it enough hint i still don't think i said it enough okay um [Music] very interesting question here she tends to want it more often than me and sometimes i end up taking a more passive role in it is that also a reversal of establishments okay so listen i don't want to i'm not going to call you a guy who's reversing your spouse list okay i don't want to i don't even feel bad here um okay so yes that does happen sometimes were you describing all right so first of all let me just tell you you're probably in the minority but it's not unheard of and also the longer you're married you know when two people are married for many decades people's uh desires the libido as they call it push it fluctuates through life depending on different things so sometimes one partner is more and sometimes the other partners more so yeah it could happen so here's what i want to try to tell you that i want to encourage you as much as possible to try to get ahead of her in that area meaning she shouldn't feel that she's the active one and you're the passive and i understand that in this particular time her appetite is greater than yours okay that sometimes happens yes that happens by the way she had babies yet okay something tells me that you're in shauna roshana wait until she has a kid or two then you you get back to me when you're and tell me oh i wish i had the question that i had on that zoom 10 years ago yeah okay anyways um yeah you know like they say i told you i'm from chicago they say in chicago you don't like the weather wait wait a minute it'll change so she wants it more often than you do i don't know wait until she has a kid or two let's see what happens i i don't think that will last forever but uh as long as it does last yet really try to be the active one um what do i mean by being the active one what i mean is you know there's when a giver is a giver there's two ways of giving one is to give begrudgingly like the bala bosses says oh yeah i pledge to your campaign now okay fine yeah yeah all right email my secretary okay whatever you know and then there's color nice the eye and your finishing you give give with a good eye so even if on an enough shabama's level maybe you're not as excited right now by the actual intimacy try to hype yourself up about the giving part of it that you're doing your schlitz that ultimately this is this is as great as shabbos and filling and and any other mitzvah you could think of as being a connection between you and hashem this is a mitzvah this is a connection and so maybe you won't get into maybe you're on a very or you're going to be forced to be on a very high level where your whole motivation will be to fulfill hashem's desire but when she wants it and you can give it then do it the symbol but two of labels okay simple between give generously and gladly and and and be present okay um i think we're way over time and uh i think we're gonna stop there i was told uh someone's right writing can you explain please explain what explain everything i said for the past hour and 52 minutes what do you want to explain what is the torah of you on pleasure pleasure in general or pleasure in intimacy pleasure and intimacy does it feel good to eat chocolate yes of course it does does it make you holy to pretend that it doesn't feel good to eat chocolate no makes you a faker and alive unless you're at sadiq like the altarebe who uh he didn't he didn't have taste buds and he didn't he didn't taste the salt in the soup and he didn't want to take the snuff from the snuff box to learn how to desire good smells but no regular people you put chocolate on your tongue and it and it tastes good okay if you engage in physical acts certain physical acts do they feel good do they trigger pleasure of course they do in fact that's why sexual abuse is so confusing because even if you hate it it'll still feel good right so of course these things feel good and we're not telling you to pretend that they don't feel good what we're telling you is that's not why you should do them so of course it feels good to eat but if you eat because it feels good that's degrading of course it feels good most of the time to be intimate with your spouse but if you do it because it feels good on a subtle level it's degrading it's not the highest reason for doing it so of course it feels good but my motivation has to be something loftier than just the fact that it feels good so we're not telling you to avoid pleasure because you couldn't if you wanted to you couldn't if you wanted to it feels good like again i said i don't want to talk about triggering things but like that's why sexual abuse is so devastating because even when you don't want it it'll still feel good so how much more so when you do want it it'll feel good so it of course it feels good and it's not there's nothing wrong with it feeling good but don't do it because it feels good is that a way to live life doing things based on how good they feel that's not a fulfilling life now that doesn't mean to not do things that feel good because that's the opposite extreme there's the hedonist and the ascetic so hedonist does things because they feel good an ascetic doesn't do things because they feel good a hasid does the right thing whether or not it feels good doing the mitzvah of marital intimacy generally feels good but that's not why we do it we do it because as a man i'm speaking only to men now it is the ultimate form of giving okay you givers keep giving i'm gonna end it here you guys are awesome maybe we'll continue another time gotta go