A couple at the turning point calls Rabbi Taub

hello Kim and hello hello how are you I'm doing well how about you good a little nervous okay so I'll just reiterate what I wrote In My email is that okay yeah absolutely nobody else heard it nobody else saw it said right right so I've I've not been diagnosed but I'm fairly certain that I have bipolar to some degree okay uh my therapist confirmed this is not this not a Google search diagnosis I I didn't get officially diagnosed MH I'm dating someone now that I love very much and uh this is something that you know obviously concerns are um it came up more recently and just uh happened to be just I just been like the last couple weeks have been like very swingy for me um again nothing nothing uh nothing violent or anything of the sort just uh really foca ties and then like a couple days of really really hard depressions and then like back up today with like a little bit Mania and just a little bit all over the place and as we're discussing engagement then you know getting more serious this is something that came up again and I understand her point of view I understand that I understand that I don't understand it because I don't have to live with that so I have to live with myself but I'm I have some level of comfort with myself and I you know I I just I could respect that for someone else it's could be completely offputting uh at the same time I also feel like I no matter no matter where I was on this on this on the Spectrum or on the uh in the in the cycle I've always been good to her I've always been attentive and always been willing to talk about whatever I was going through and whatever she was feeling and I feel like why is that not enough why am I still on trial to see if this is something that's good if I'm good enough for her and it that's I hear you that's just it's hard for just now was I I was told that you both going to come on it are you both on right now yes she yes she's there but she's camera shy right okay so is it possible she wants to talk also or uh or no she doesn't feel so comfortable that but she's listening okay no problem so you're you're saying that you've been dating for a while and and in terms of time the time is not really so relevant as much as use the term cycle that like you've been through your cycle while you were dating her so you're high high and you're low low she already has seen you in that state that's what you're saying yeah yeah all right so first first thing I I want to advise you is go ahead and get a diagnosis because uh I'm assuming you're saying your therapist says he thinks or she thinks this is the diagnosis but uh I'm assuming the reason that that diagnosis hasn't been given is because you need a psychiatrist I'm assuming to make that diagnosis is that correct I I don't know if that's accurate but I don't necessarily need I'm not looking for a diagnosis because working with my therapist I'm dealing with it and I don't I'm not looking to take medication and I I I just want to add the reason why I'm saying that is because I think that is something that really triggered her when I said I I I love my life like yes it's painful to have these lows and it's crazy sometimes to have the highs and it's hard to it's hard to manage that it's like either you're driving 80 miles an hour or 20 on the highway and it's it's very hard to get where you have to get to safely yeah when you're when that's how you're driving but that's hot I I don't know another way and I don't NE neily want to take medication and kind of numb myself or or put myself in a different place right so I'm working with my therapist as if I have bipolar regardless of whether I do and how to manage the highs and how to manage the lows okay um the reason I was saying to get a diagnosis is not so you can gain access to medication if that's not what you're ready to do right now so I just want to clarify that just sometimes having the diagnosis gives you um more more clarity and it's I don't want to push the issue because it's not the most important Point here but I generally feel that when a person gains gets a diagnosis they're they're gaining Clarity I I think it's a helpful thing um sometimes people are afraid of it because it's like if I get a diagnosis then they're going to push medication on me or then I'm going to be stigmatized or whatever it is I just want to put it out there that I think a person only gains through having that Clarity but it's you know I'm not saying it's a absolute necessity I just think you may you may gain from it um yeah so this is a tough one because you know nobody is obligated to marry anybody you know you nobody's forced to have to marry somebody even if the relationship looks good on paper and in real life and they like each other other and they share values and the reality is that either party for any reason even for no good reason can say I'm I'm not ready to do it so in a way it's like if somebody needs to be convinced to marry you it maybe not a good idea to marry them because like I don't know I I want to marry somebody who's Head Over Heels chasing me saying I I want this more than than anything else and instead of somebody saying you know I have had you know I have a certain hesitation so it's almost like I don't know what are we trying to figure out here we're trying to figure out if right so that was my that was a question that I didn't really ask and that's really what it was in other words I'm not asking you should that she should marry me the question is like am I supposed to just wait around or or be with someone that has all these hesitations with about me or do I say okay I I respect your decision for not being sure I want to be with someone who is sure I love the way you just asked that question because that's a question that I can answer okay that's a question with Clarity so great question my answer to you is I don't know if you should wait or shouldn't wait but I do know that whoever you marry should know about your challenges diagnosis or no diagnosis but whatever it is that your challenges are they should know about it and they should be so eager to spend the rest of their life with you whoever you marry whether it's this girl or any other girl they should know your challenges they should know what you're doing to deal with it and they should know even other things that are imperfect about you I'm sure you have other things that are imperfect and they should say I I know the whole package the strengths and the challenges and I want this person more than anything that's and and if you're not getting that um listen people are the most passionate for each other before they get married and it's just human nature that that passion dwindles so if somebody isn't excited to close the deal before marriage it becomes potentially uh a sign that things are going to be very strained after marriage so I appreciate that that does give me a lot of clarity I if I could just ask on her behalf because that she she just doesn't want to get on the call so she's she there are a lot of parts of me that she is very excited about and I understand that it's really like a whole package it's not like became out a buffet right so it really but she she's scared she there's a part of her that's like is she is she being stupid to tie your to somebody who's as unpredictable as I am and who's who you know this there's a lot that she went through in her life that that you know safety security and and predictability is a huge factor for her yeah and is she being stupid and and naive or or hopeful and uh impr practical way to you know to tire up to somebody who has these highs and lows and maybe can't be as predictable especially that she does have kids and it does she you know that also adds to it like it's not just her subjecting herself to my highs and lows it's how her kids are going to respond to my highs and lows and and things of that nature so I mean really I think in a case like this she should speak to a psychiatrist to somebody whether you want to diagnosis from a psychiatrist or not is irrelevant she should speak to psychiatrist and get the full disclosure and make an informed decision I mean she should educate herself take away any of the fear of the unknown and to know exactly what this thing is and make an informed decision cuz I really can't say that there's a right or wrong choice here it really comes down to what she's able to handle and I don't know what she's able to handle only she's able to to know what she's able to handle but she's only able to know she's able to handle it if she has full um awareness of what it is she's signing up for so I think take away the fear take away the the the the the doubt and just go educate yourself I mean you're listening so I'm speaking to you educate yourself go schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist go in there and say it's not for me it's for somebody I'm I'm seriously considering marrying and I just want to be educated I don't want to come here 2 years after we're married I want to come here before and make an informed Choice thank you yeah oh I heard you okay excellent you're welcome it was great okay thank you so much Rob I really appreciate it Hashem should give you Clarity both of you am okay all right thank you that was an awesome call I really appreciate it really really appreciate it okay hey this is shaab you were just watching a clip from this class if you want to get the full context the full class that this clip that you just watched was from you watch right here click right here here