A Conversation with Jen Airley, mother of heroic soldier Binyomin H"yd

okay good morning everyone thank you for being with us this morning and a very special thank you to Jen Jen for being here for being here physically is the easy part but for your courage and your bravery and your willingness to share your heart with ours and this story of B who he was how he lived the Legacy he leaves you've been an inspiration I know all of us who've seen the videos who've watched who had the privilege to meet you Rob I just saw the other day in Israel in bees and we've our group had the privilege to meet so thank you thank you for being here this morning and making this part of your schedule and your journey I know you're here in Florida for a different reason a good reason but thank you for spending part of it with us this morning so Jen why don't we start out and just uh if you're if you're okay with it I know you have tell us a little bit what that day was when you got that knock on the door the worst night nightmare of a parent your husband Rob shared with me the other day that you had a premonition throughout this war that something could happen to the extent if you're comfortable with my repeating this that you were you were trying on new clothing with the premonition that you might be in a stage that you wouldn't be able to wear it where' that premonition come from and how was it realized that day you got that knock on the door so actually I want to actually it's okay go back to two of the things that R was saying first of well thank you for having me here um I know you said it's harder to be here emotionally than physically but in all honesty it's harder for me to be here physically than emotionally emotionally I'm okay with physically not being in N well that was actually the challenge so um that was one piece and the reason I came barash was for a wedding pretty mpid on uh attending SAS and uh in fact the person who was making the SAS my amuna so it's really all because of amuna that I got here a friend from Mar was making a wedding here and my friends of over so um so that's actually what brought me here so thank learning amuna um that day I I I I can't even explain why Hashem you know how I don't know but yeah that morning shabas morning I was uh and uh after I felt like I couldn't stay but I just started getting an I had to leave I left sh quickly and uh as I'm on my way home I even see my 10-year-old daughter coming to sh she said Mom you told me to come I said I know but we're going home I need to take to Hill home and uh in fact there was somebody on the way home from sh that stopped me St I'm asking her how her kids are in the army and she happened to not ask about mine which was fine because I told her when she came to shivo had she asked me I probably would have been lying so we got home and I was just I was just I was just balling I was just crying and saying to H him crying crying there was just a feeling that you had there was something inside I felt like my heart was just being ripped I don't know I can't even explain I don't know and just happening saying to H my poor daughter she just putting her arm around around me and all I kept saying is I just I just wish we can all be home for shabas together and then she in sweet Han style 10-year-old she gives me safer saer she say momm I think you need this so we learned a little bit together and then uh NTI it was Cal it happened to be this my friend theusa was staying in the area and she happens to come over I only found this part out last night I mean I know she came over but we were talking but last night at the wedding her sister told me that afterwards D'Or said Jen's not herself she's not like this we can Contin on with the day that you know that shab we even had guests and then uh four o'clock my husband comes running into my room he had fallen asleep on the couch he was actually there for the knock on the door comes upstairs and J get dress get come down so I was like a you know was in asleep I didn't know what to make of this and said no no just fast so I said uh are the kids okay I said no so then I thought if the kids have picturing you know a kid on the street playing hit their head I'm like but where's Mada he said Jen just come start going down the staircase and I see the soldiers there and I just sat down on the stairs said and I officially understood what V means they keep learning about don't my own like what what is that no words and uh then I asked him what time was the crowd was 9:30 to 10:30 in the morning which is uh time in the morning you know sometimes you think like why does Hashem give you these things you're supposed to do something with the you know you I always feel like when Hashem gives you like that little bit of a worry so that you D for it right I had this experience when I was in cedur now I there all these years and you know planes fly overhead and they get used to it there but now that you live in Nar when a plane is flying not over bit you know planes don't really fly over bit chish but the planes that we have now are are the go get him guys planes you know like the they're going out to AA to take care of something so I feel like you know when you hear something you see something it's like meant to like stir something up inside of you so I said even in see H and doing every time I see a plane go get him guys but why did I sh me noise was I supposed to do more was I supposed to like call call to action of um but we tried and I think that was Rob's initial responses but I did everything I've been taking things on I've been doing we started I said okay this is a answer so first I thought it was I said it was the de this this was the de on us and I'm really learning to see it was was a sweeten thing maybe it wasn't even but but the hard we unack that more in a moment because that's that's mindboggling you to be able to sit here and say that and it's so important for us to understand it and learn from it and be inspired by it if just want to go back when we were in Israel last week we were on the farm helicopters going overhead and person who was with us stopped and said those helicopters are only going for one reason was an injured Soldier they go from one hospital to another and every time the helicopter goes over on the farm they stop and say to hel it's just I want you know part of our conversation this morning is to bring a Consciousness and an awareness and the experience of Israel 6,000 miles away geographically we may be far away but we should be be beating with one heart and understanding the difference of what it means when a plane flies overhead in CED Hurst or Bon versus in Israel what that elicits and and and what that brings um let's take a step back to something else you said if it's okay you said that you came in for the wedding you came in for the S if anyone in the world has an excuse to RSVP I'm sorry I can't make it I'm not up to it I don't want to be there it's you but you made the effort how do you find how do you find the to feel someone else's s with your grief and your pain and a sweeten din or de of RA we'll come back to that in a moment but how do somebody who personally and individually is going through such a loss such grief such pain find that that will that energy to still participate in someone else's Sim so the first Sim that we had was uh really shortly after SCH another person's wedding and I told him beforeand very close friends a neighbor and I said Li I'm going to I'm coming the has but I can't don't don't book me AEP I don't know what I'm going to be like I don't know if I'm going to stay not stay I have no idea what I'm going to be like now this wedding was um filled with soldiers who had just gotten out and why was it they are now if these guys can be simp when they just got out of Aza and they lost their own and you're just watching them like sing with all their heart and at the I thought you know what if I dance at this wedding everyone's going to dance because everyone's in pain the whole L is in pain we're all we're all in morning I figured if I do it gives the okay for everybody so after a little glass of wine Bes them maybe or maybe not also a cocktail I don't know but uh just it was K you know when um when beny's friends came out for the first time they went in October 7th on Sim Tor and they weren't out literally until a few weeks ago his his group was the first time they were going home and um it was all over the news that the tan were coming out of AA so I kept getting messages how you doing I was not doing well and um it's good it's good for people to hear that even you have times you're not doing well no no I only interrupt but sometimes somebody can see the videos see you in person right now right here and say I'll never be a gen I can't so it's important for people to know that you have moments that you're not doing well I cry almost every day I think we can count a handful of days from 11 10 and a half weeks that I Mish a handful perhaps and yesterday was just because it was so busy that I didn't cry every day but when we pick up we don't stay in bed we I'm missing but then we live life now these soldiers when they're fighting in AA and they're fighting from Isel and they're fighting so that we live they're not fighting so that we stay home in bed and don't go to simp they want us to live they're fighting so that herel is a place that people can live safely so that day that they came out of AA I messaged a friend of mine who um who also went through aot us and I said you know like I'm struggling I'm so sad that I'm sad I want to be happy for all these boys to go home I want to be happy for his family for their families and I'm upset at myself that I'm sad and he said it's normal and it gave the whole spiel about how it's you know this is normal and it took me a few hours I would you know go have a client then come back in the car and cry I'd go teach a class come back in the car and cry and then see when the boys come out of AA they don't come home straight away they have like a debriefing they're psychologists and then they clean their equipment and they have like a rah rah you know and they only came home the next day now the next day the pictures went out this was it was sunrise you see them all walking it's like it's with all their Gear with the sunrise in the background it was gorgeous by the next day when they were going home I was 100% happy for them I felt cool like M that they were going to be with their families so it took it took a day and I even said to the mothers I left a message to the to the fam to the WhatsApp group and I said I'm sorry that your boys couldn't come home right out of Aza because I needed me to like have time so I'm sorry but now I'm really really 100% happy for everybody to be reunited and his myet had a hard time he he felt guilty leaving Gaza and going home to his family this is but [Music] um we met with r during and he told us you are said straight down we were saying how we wanted to make a for my granddaughter and he said as soon as is up you get up and you make a party you have other children at home and we felt like it was a Charged Mission that's important to hear you have you have your difficult moments but then you dig deep and you find the will and you make the decision the kind ious decision and the effort may not even come naturally but that there is that ability within us to make the choice to make the decision to be the simp CL for children grandchildren and for and for life we talking about that knock on the door that day I know it came out recently a woman who had a sign on her door that this home hasim in it please call or text do not knock on the door because again just for us to appreciate something we don't live with every day here but anyone in Israel which is almost everyone in Israel who's related to someone in the Army doesn't want to hear a knock on the door in the morning at night anytime in between but that's something that that you you experience the worst fear of it's actually interesting daa I always kept my you know we keep our phones on on Chavis in case of anything which I when you think about it like why even bother if they're going to knock on the door but it's just something you do I don't know we just always kept the phone on and that chavas have turned the phone off I don't know I just you know let go there still something that premonition so so tell us you've spoken a lot but but there people here who haven't seen or heard everything tell us about the moment because ultimately it's his legacy we want to continue to to learn about and to live and to emulate so tell us about about his journey 21 years old but in those 21 years packed in a lot I know her Mission met with you and and when I was there with a group of of guys we met with L I heard about his journey and and that premonition that feeling that you had specifically at that hour your husband told me literally just a few days ago the CH about your closeness and how your hearts beated as one you and beam that your faith and your belief in him and who he was so so share that with us if you can it's very loaded question there's a lot to this um but you know just last night I was speaking there were two pieces that happened last night that were completely out of everything I have said so far and um I just want to mention them because they're they're quite significant see when my daughter first pregnancy everything's great was in the gym till the day I had her you know everything great then comes Ben yam's pregnancy and after the first three months that's it I'm on bed rest pre-term labor and whatever pre-term contractions and I'm in bed rest now and they said this is how it's going to stay till the end like very strict you know getting out of bed every other day for five minutes for a shower like I'm a pretty active person and I'm a pretty you know a doer so now not only could I not go do my life but now like people have to make meals for me people I actually joked around that my husband you know was food shopping for me and he got green tomatoes and I said who gets Green Tomatoes people like you I was like so upset like and um and the time that bed rest so the first few days I can't live life I can't do and then came the whole change let go say let go let in right let go let God let God and uh and Z was the most amazing five months of my life stayed in bed Hades I had shearing I you know okay so I made a you know a cookbook and I made aook Journal articles but it was the most spiritual time and this is like the the entrance to Bam life it was m at this point what else was I GNA do I mean I know could have like been watched I don't know you didn't really do that then but there were things that I that this was like uh so that's the start Al's uh not even entrance into the world but this was this was this was the beginning and I think that just these tears alone invested in him from dead rest was already a beginning so during gestation while he's developing he's developing to the sounds of Torah of R in the sacrifice of a mother for him already before he even was in this world you were already sacrificing for him you in fact funni your story and was when I was in labor with him my daughter was born very quickly when I was in labor when I first the doctor said as soon as you feel anything like go to the hospital because the doctor's miss the labor for the first one so here I was I felt the first pit so we run to the hospital my mother brought me she happens to have been in New York at the time she brings me to the hospital Rob's you know I call him he's like okay I'm coming I'm like no no no don't worry because Mo Rob is not for another five hours go finish your meeting and then come he like you sure everything happens quickly I said no no he's so sh Rob so a few hours later Rob came after his meeting and H Raba came about an hour later so we got to pick from all the names of you know the given from reading and he said's gonna be sitting with him and M his whole life with all the craziness and everything that he did um Hashem watched over from him every way he had this little Malik that I kept protecting him I know I'll get to describe you'll see why he needed a Mal constantly and um and the whole time just pictured you know that hasem you know so yes bamin was a challenging child and uh the kind of kid that was so add that the doctors wanted to medicate him and he said no which already is telling you so much and he uh as we call an Israel shev nice and rambunctious and full of life and full of fun and um cute kid you know but pain in the some you know and I been through many different schools as Rob likes to say he was never kicked out he was just asked not to come back and he uh but he did know that I always had his back he knew even one of the schools that we were fighting to get him into um the you always believed in him you pushed for him because you more than having a back having a back is he's your problem you're his mother you have no choice somebody's got to have his back and defend him you're much more than had his back CU he had to believed in him which he understood and learn from he knew I believed in him and I believed in him because I saw his potential I saw his his talents and his skills it just wasn't School s um but he knew I trusted in him I believed in him I trusted in him he trusted me always say there were things that he told me that most parents wouldn't even want to know about their child Rob didn't even know some of them some of them came out now he like you knew this um so he had been through he had been through seven different schools until 11th grade lth grade we found this place that that was going to help him fly he was ready to fly because he had already uh he went to um and he had a he wanted to you see he wanted to grow and I think that all the schooling just it I don't think it even stifled him because he didn't care I think it just I almost want to say gave him more ammo but not every child is like that but he was he he wasn't getting down from all the different situations that were against him thank God and maybe because he had his parents that uh that still believed in him but he uh so 11th grade found the school that the principal in fact even even now I mean now last year I met with the principal for another child the same one and I said to him you know if you ask Bam now who's your of who's your go-to in your head he still says it's high school principal and I said and I told the principal this this is years out of school and I said to him that you are B go too he said you know why because I believed in benam and so bam believed in me this the principle so he had the you know the backing of the school even when he was still doing things but they still uh they gave him some space can I interrupt you again I'm sorry no no please how can we as parents learn how to have our children know that we believe in them how did you communicate that to the young how did he know it why did he feel it it wasn't just that you marched into the principal's office or got into the next school or got him out of situations he was stuck in there was something that made him know that you believed in him how do we communicate to our children that we believe in them you know there was this is one example he would um he he loved wiing my daughter up he love driving her crazy the one the daughter my my oldest he would just say say things to like not to make her you know annoyed and then she would likely you know she would retaliate you know as one should meaning so she would you know make all these comments to him at the table at the shabas table and then afterwards and and he wouldn't answer and some you know she but he would never answer so afterwards in the kitchen he said how do you have this place the whole in so what did I say then he knew that I believed what he was doing and I didn't have to say anything and he knew that I understood him so it was giving him the positive reinforcement for not answering and also that I got where it was coming from I know I said that he was winding he was driving her crazy but it was anyway we'll leave that um how what's practical First of all a lot of twos there was a lot of T that went into that boy a lot of tears but also there was a trust that he knew he could tell me things and I wasn't going to get angry at him for what he was telling me we had this you know lingo that we would use like okay bam have fun but don't be stupid or let me know you're alive and he would send me messages I'm alive he was at L Balmer when the something happened and he sent me a message I'm alive he was there again he would you know the whole thing was happening things were crumbling just happen to be walking the other direction avoided he just does hasem just you know but he would s me message I'm alive I didn't even know the news it was the middle of the night but he would let me know but there was no I I didn't I didn't judge if you would tell me things just you know just be safe when you do he felt loved not judged yeah so even when you gave negative feedback or boundaries or Consequences you knew it was out of love not out of judgment and it wasn't stum just to get punished it was to keep him safe and there's also a lot of verbal we just talked about it we just spoke about that that it's just just be safe be love you be safe we love you and it's not that's going you know if you do that but it was really the love nothing can Place love so 11th grade he's in 11th grade he's in 11th grade he went to uman for that Hanukah he was searching he wanted he was just trying to find what was going to give him the push Right light that fire and uh he went to Oman see the Godless of going to uman was not just though he went to you know when he went to it was he came back he was actually upset that he can feel the Sparks he went like with a mission that I'm going to be like wow and he uh and he he was upset afterwards his friends even like I've heard from friends of his that he said that he was really uh he was hoping that that was going to do it that was going to be the pill and he came back and he his friend said to him don't M me like it's I see changes in you no no no two weeks later the GU left friend said to him you're putting on Skilling every day now your shabus is different I see this he didn't notice the incremental change maybe this is also part of the add everything has to happen fast but he wanted it now he wanted that like big moment um so and that's um so that was one piece and it was after that uman trip that he wrote this list of his I don't know who knows or not I know the school um but he wrote this beautiful list yes we printed bookmarks that you can you'll have where um on it is some of Bin's list um and then an opportunity on the back to make your own list but we have them up here please take them afterwards in addition to a project you'll also hear more about and we hope everyone will participate so bamin um at the age of 16 wrote this list and again the regardless of there are few like major wild pieces about this list number one is he wrote it when he was still a crazy 16-year old baman you know the the two in the morning you never know who he's with at what time Benyamin and he still wrote this list then and the other amazing piece about the list is there are 55 or so things on this list and he there're onlyy a handful of things that he didn't check off this list from the age of 16 to 21 see the the beauty of this list is when you think about it like what is a 16-year-old going to put on the list of your bucket list I mean you know we all write you know I don't know I want to run this race or I mean that's me but I wantan to I don't know get this car or I don't know you know um Ben y's list was pretty different and and um this list was like the gift I found in his room when I was like feeling Despair and did you know about it from when was 16 you first found out about it afterwards I found out I found it on the sixth night of KH the sixth night of Hanukah I um was busy being upset that I did not get Ben yin's notebook from the army that he wrote in the AA I heard about this notebook and when I got all his gear from the Army all I wanted was The Notebook and I got all his you know toothbrush and his you know socks and his whatever but not his note what happened to the notbook so the notebook I didn't even know he but um I heard a few weeks after Shiva two weeks after shiv I heard that at the Laya when all of his friends were inside AA and couldn't come they had his notebook that they had taken off of him and they were reading from his notebook so they got to see they were like learning from Bama they were Bing reading things and the truth is this notebook I mean it's only like eight pages Bama was not a man of many words but what he wrote was to the point so in so he had this notebook so it was in ASA with his friends Why didn't it come out with the rest of his gear I was all upset about well I wanted what do I care if his uniform why do I care for his belt I want his notebook I want what he wrote and um and that sixth day of Hanukkah I um the r our R bag now came over asking he's checking in on us how you doing whatever we're smoing and he says did you get the notebook and he said no he said are you doing for it and I said that's so weird why am I not doing for this I feel like I you know and I were buddies I talk to him about all sorts you know and I you know please let the line you know the regular let my Hala tastes good somebody actually just told me she keeps making my Hala recipe and it's not coming out the same I said it's you dobing for it okay I'll try that one but when it came to um I was so upset like frustrated like why I'm trying to figure out why am I not actually doing for this and then uh I realized you know what I think I don't want it badly enough I think the guys his friends still need it let them have it let them have the notebook and as long as it doesn't get lost please just don't let it get lost after the world get it whatever just if they need it let them have it be tired to so that that sixth night was our uh was our family night and um our Hanukah you know family dinner and had gone up into his room kind of like just like feeling like the's not going to be with us I want to just connect to something it was very little in his room he had his you know whatever he got along the you know through the years and whatever he but but put me said there was like nothing in his room he didn't care for anything whatever other things he had in his room were things that like I bought him and never used and Rob shed with us that wasn't because he had it with him Farm or in the army or the she anywhere else it's because he didn't care about material physical things he wasn't a kid who collected way fashion or clothing or technology or he didn't have things he didn't have things he had a Dar guy and a drum the rest is just books and yeah and and clothing with tags that I bought him and he never even you know never used and so I was looking through his draws just to find something to connect to and that's where I found this nit list and we didn't even know when he wrote it like how are we supposed to know when this was from but we look based on some of the things it was like he wanted to go to spots and he would had just see one of the things on the list was that he wanted to go to um and come back with Oro so we realized it was actually after the first trip he was planning a second trip he went in Kana and he was planning going for rashash so we realize he was in between the two because otherwise yeah he gave you a GI the greatest gift I hold on to that sixth night of Kaneka that's this is my gym so it's extraordinary to not only write that list at 16 years old but then not tell your parents about it we do a lot of things that what's the point of doing it if you didn't also post it online or make it your status or share it with someone who will be impressed about it but he did it for himself that in itself is really really extraordinary this is the story of B's life like most of the things he does did was you never people didn't know we're only hearing stories now things that he did he never was this crazy story he was in spot for chabas this is like a nuts just an example he was in spot for chabas um in September K now and he went with an army friend and his friend from the Army came over and he said oh I was with B you know shabis spots where B had gone for hea and he said um and it was such a beautiful chabas I said did be tell you anything about that chabas did he say anything about chabas afternoon he goes no what are you talking about after that chabas this was crazy after that chabas b calls me up he say Mom you're not going to believe what happened shabas afternoon I wanted to go for a walk in the old city and I didn't know if I should bring my gun and my phone with me as a soldier he always has his gun with him and because he works in the this this farm he always has to have his phone I guess we'll get to that soon but he has his phone on him and as a soldier also he keeps his phone on him so he said why do I need that in though what's going to be and at the end he says you know what I'm going to take it not long into this walk around the old city he finds three girls three teenagers on the floor they had um there was a roof that collapsed I don't know if anybody heard about this but in the beginning of September there was a girls there was a girl on you know looking at something on a roof of something and then she got stuck another girl went out to go help it gave and the three girls are now on the floor he sees them so now he has his phone on him so he calls mother and then he sees one girl is like having a harder time breathing puts the gun behind her head he's like Mommy I used my gun in my phone I said what's with the girls well one was you know she said she couldn't feel her legs B's trying you know this is typical B sty says no from this height don't worry that's not going to be permanent he's trying to come he mommy it was bad but he's you know talking calmly M's like so calical and collected says don't worry and she says I'm a I'm a medic I know this is the end said don't worry anyway so he says so I had my gun I had my phone so I said to the soldier did he say anything he says I never knew this story he literally I mean this is not something you forget right a trauma never said a word this is uh so one of the things on his list was could be enough he wanted to be modest he gets a big fat check on that when he got that um and also not having possessions he also wrote on his list to not have a smartphone he hated the whole concept he hated the whole concept of like sitting with someone and like sitting with someone and being distracted but sitting with someone and talking to them through the phone you're sitting with them like and you could understand like why are you why would you want to know what somebody else ate for breakfast like why would you why would you want to know what this politician says think for yourself he couldn't understand like why you would be dependent on other people's opinions when you should have your own and it's not that he wasn't learned he would he reads books you know just last night somebody somebody in Hollywood was telling me how she was at our house one chabas and chabas afternoon you know he he's he's reading a book about Holocaust this that he he's he reads he's but he doesn't go for media he thinks it's completely skewed and his you know miscon grp misrepresented um so this list um all sorts of loty things not to speak about other people he wanted to understand the ways of the world he wanted to be a good horseback rider which is interesting because that was before he started working at The Farms where he actually ended up being a really good horseback rider um so he had you know he wanted to understand understandi wrote to understand why I was brought into this world he wanted to understand how he can use his the how can maximize his abilities as so the fact that like five years later he can check almost the whole list off I mean things that he couldn't check off are things like to be married to have a wife one thing he wrote is which I don't know if he meant like to write eloquently or just legibly but I don't give him a check for either one of those um but you know so the things that he didn't get were like really not in his control or not significant one of them was that there should be that one I'm still debating if I can give him credit for I'd like to believe one thing he actually wrote on there sorry you w to um he actually wrote this is interesting he wrote on there leot kohen I couldn't understand like what I mean we're notan him and I was trying to understand like what did that mean spoke to cats about at the night of what does he mean by that he wanted to be that conduit between us and Hashem he wanted to be that separated and close with Hashem he also brought down there to go to Rashi which I'm so confused by because we go to Mayon we go visit karashi if not once a year twice a year like why would he write that but he wanted he wanted the real source so he didn't not Kev rash he want to go to rash wow he didn't have a box for to give his life a he checked the box he probably didn't put on the list cu no 16-year-old no no person of any age would put that on their list but a check mark next to say those who gave their lives holy soldiers like the Y and too many others where they sit in closeness to the Ked nobody else can come close so it wasn't on his list but ultimately it was checked off so how did he end up Yesa before what did it mean to him um so it's funny I'm understanding this more as I'm meeting and sitting with more of his friendsa literally the day before I left the day was that I left on Monday morning so on Sunday you know we go to now ra and by the way if there's anybody that wants like a little more what to the story is my name is RA um so we have aamin Ben ra and uh I keep saying he definitely started out as my benoni but he definitely ended up being my Benyamin the mush counted on him he was my rock um and he still is and he still holds me up so that day also we got together with a friend of his from his yiva who said he's got some good stories which I wanted to hear before leaving there SOA is just um it's loving and they don't care for fresh you don't care what other people are saying you're you're there for the MS you're there for not being um you know you're there cuz Nock Nock Nock no and pure love and um you know so he sent me pictures where they're like in sheer you know with their chilling on like coolo there which is why Benyamin couldn't always stay because that was too hard for him to stay focused like that so sometimes he would go to this Farm see the farm is um as we call because sometimes you say farm and you're going to think like Orchards you know vegetable picking or you know lemon trees or I don't know bunny rabbits and chickens I don't know what you think of when we say Farm but this is um this was so outside of certain communities in the Shon sh they have where there are also Arabs so outside the Jewish communities they set up these they set up these farms and it just keeps keeps the Arabs a little further away so on these Farms they have some sort of cattle are cow or sheep um and so bam would spend time there outside of when he was in high school and when he was in Sati shiv and in the Army so when he wasn't in any of those places and he wasn't home he was there where he would graze the cows take the cast for grazing and do shmira and do guard Duty and this is how he would spend his time and uh it was not necessarily the most comfortable place he uh he built a house out there there were only like two families out there basically I think three at some points and some other guys that been Y in you would um and it's really on a Mountaintop and he built a house which is not more if only less than a glorified tent i Phil actually was probably insulting Tim it was a nice glorified tent um and uh you know for a while there was no running water or electricity they didn't care he just this these things didn't didn't phas him you're cold to put on another sweater like you know there was no and it would get very cold there and uh this is how we'd spend his time raising you know he he uh he actually I just found something else in his room and how he wrote that when he's out there for at least 48 hours to not be with a phone now when you say not be with a phone he needs the phone you understand it's D dangerous out there the Arabs are very close but he didn't want to be on the phone even all the hours he would spend hurting it was time it was his his b dead time it was his time with Hashem he even then didn't want to be on his phone I'm just I'm just listening to the almost contradiction you keep describing as ADD when we think of someone with ADD they thought that they could be out in the field shepherding grazing with daa Noone is almost like a contradiction but for him it wasn't AR Zan great Seven Shepherds before anyone could Ascend to a position of leadership in the Jewish field they had to be a Shepherd you have to be comfortable in your own skin in conversation with Hashem and yourself you have to be able to be out there before you can Ascend to where you're in there with everybody else so he was comfortable sounds like most comfortable when he was out there not by himself because one's Never by themselves he was with Hashem how do you reconcile that add can't sit still can't be in Yeshiva too long but could be for 24 48 hours with no contact connection with anyone anything else but maybe it's just because he was actually doing physical work yeah maybe because his body was physically being charged on all of his lists was always to exercise and it's not just because his mama is an exerciser like it's I think he knew that that was what his body needed so he got out all the Jitters all the whatever with his you know whether it was I mean he was so strong and so wellb built he didn't go work out at a gym that was like such a concept you know why would you do that why would you pay money to exercise when like life you exercise because you didn't see it like you carry boxes and you move things and you do and so I maybe maybe that I don't know maybe because he was just doing such physical stuff that that helped his body that then he was able to actually Focus or look any Angy did kid will tell you that when they're focused on watching something they can sit for 48 hours straight it's what you're going to choose to be focused with so the farm was his happy place Farm was his happy place but not because he loved cows who my Rob jokes around about like oh who's your favorite cow he didn't care about the cows he cared about Ary St he was his happy place because he knew he was doing the right thing he everything about bomman was from and N had that's all it was for him so when he was there knew he was protecting the people and protecting the land for him it was all about Kush irat you know one time there was a story that the the farm owner to be sees that bam took the cows past where it was supposed to go past where he was supposed to be he was on the next mountain and calls him up and says I see her on the next Mountain miss ukan the Arabs are there come back and Ne said no they should see that we're here this is you know but even the people in nup in the community there they didn't even know vammen vammen didn't know them he didn't care it's not he's do he's not doing it to be personally protecting people that he loves it's doing it because he's protecting Amis people came to the Shiva like Thanking us for bam and protecting their Community he never knew them they never knew him and it was irrelevant what was true in the farm it came true much bigger and broader in Gaza when he was fighting so what what unit was he he was par Troopers sonim 101 it's funny because when I was in Israel for my year um I wanted to stay on to be a power trooper and I asked my I told my parents I wanted to go to the Army so which my mom said no and then I found out that sanim doesn't take women women can't jump out of planes and I said so frine I'll do shanet that was might as well that was consolation priz so yeah I was proud you know just say I wanted that and he uh and it was easy for him to get in he was a little worried about getting in but I think because you have to do a gush for you have to not apply I don't know what the word it is but all his friends would one of his friends were telling me afterwards that they would have to do these certain exercises in order to pass and at one point there was uh his friends he saw this he didn't even know him actually he didn't know they weren't friends at the time and his friend was like struggling he had to run around and then do something and Bam would like push him forward even though it meant bam was not first right and after the third round his friend said stop I'm dying and B said you have to get in they they didn't know each other but B just and B wasn't worried about getting the extra points he he had like the confidence that he didn't he wasn't worrying about himself anyway so he's a power keeper and he uh and he I don't even actually know what power Troopers do to be honest I don't I don't know what their job actually is um I know what B y's personal job was he was initially trained to be a neist which is uh in charge of the negative gun negative gun is like a heavy duty big machine gun and he was in charge of that and uh you have to be I mean very few people get this gun it's very you have to be strong you have to be capable I mean the gun itself is about 20 pounds plus the Amun plus everything else they have on their backs it's it's not uh no easy you know little pistol and then came training for the Army no came training for Aza itself for going in just to back up on Torah he was um he wasn't even home we were with him he was doing uh the week of he was in morning we always do and then we have birthday meal and whatever for bamin along with other cousins or cousins anyway so we were with him Kaba morning and uh enjoyed ding mates with him and had our breakfast and then he was going to be going to the farm actually even before he went to the farm of in y you need close you're going to be dating you're going to get the arm's almost done you're supposed to finish in December I said you're going to be you need to right this is before the war said you you need to go shopping so on so right after we left even though he was going to be going to the farm for unff I we stopped I told him first I'm taking you to the mall he said mommy you stay in the car I'll take the credit card I'm going what other you know it's what would another 21 come out 21y old come out with Y came out with one t-shirt which is still in his room with a tag on it so he um so he went to the farm preemptive and uh once I saw what was going on in raat sheemish all the cars that were leaving I understood B also went in so he was initially trained with this NE gun but then once they um were preparing to go into Aza itself he had a different job his job was uh it's called mad mad is like the higher up Commander not his not the one on top of him but the one on top of him B's job was basically to be his bodyguard it's a very prestigious job but it meant that baman wasn't NE was not the negga vist he wanted to do the job be out there the my gu is in charge of all the equipment that um that they're making decisions for all the power Troopers in Aza so all the power Troopers moves are being decided by this Ned and B was bmen and his group were in charge of the equipment that was going to be helping to make the decision so Rob was very happy like you know you're not Frontline you have a safe a safe position nothing can happen that you know he they have people protecting them and then people protecting them but then his friend who was the neist got injured and B was all too excited to be having his gun again so Friday night it happens to be of uh basically d k slave right before the Friday night before benam died um that guy came back into the army so they got to beat together I think his finger wasn't 100% so B just got to have the gun for a little longer shabus morning after they daen they daed very early they said and then this particular battle broke out where these three terrorists ran into uh one of the houses and from inside the house the terrorists are shooting the soldiers around the house and soldiers were getting wounded one quite seriously yeah ear barash doing better and this is um a difference Meed who doesn't even know bam bamin doesn't know him it was from a different group said he's going in he can't can't have soldiers being shot at awesome energy let's go we got to get the job done he says he's going in and he's taking his right hand now shahman actually the the M his name is Jamal abas also a Drew soldier who comes from a long line of family uh high up people in the Army so they were going in and benmen who's in a different group further back says I'm going in with you you can't go in without a neist now he have the gun so he pushes his way forward and he says I'm going in with you afterward I found out that whole area was all like the whole house is filled with like high up people in the Army and Ben and uh so they went in and after all the grenades that were thrown in all the RPGs that were thrown in there was one terrorist that was hiding in the corner and shot the three of them and uh the this is this is the way bam died is exactly the way he lived this is it if you were to ask him can we do it again differently he would do this 100 times over before the war even started he told us that he was ready to die for AR and am he it was clear to him and I think this is why he lived life for the mess this is it I think we all know the answer to this question but I want to ask it anyway given the outcome would you make Ali again understanding the decision you made to go from the comfort up in Florida living in New York moving to Israel and what that ultimately meant for your family would you do it again do you regret it there's nothing I regret I I obviously it'd be nice if you know Hashem gave a a different different sack there's nothing we would change not one piece in fact I know that uh many people have a hard time hearing this but I wouldn't even go back to before October 7th am is 180 degrees different we having a complete about face in his heart as it is and I very few people can say this but when you lose somebody I can say it I wouldn't change it it wouldn't even go back to as recently as what AM has now done and accomplished and changed and grown I we were H we gave a corba we gave corbon a corbon that hopefully is getting us closer to the ultimate goal there's a video of a soldier I don't know his name I'm trying to find that he you know has a leg amputated and he said I had to give a leg forel to be I'll give it again we gave our corbon from I can't wa for anything less than the ultimate goal now mind you the ultimate goal you know when the soldiers manually EXC excited that some of the soldiers are coming out for the obvious reason but also because I need them to say publicly what they are seeing inside AA see what they're seeing is not only is every house full of ammunition whatever innocent you know every house but every house has a picture of Alaska every house has a picture of the Dome of the Rock they know what this war is about they know where they're going they know what their ultimate destination is do we know that going and fighting in a do we know what our ultimate destination is so I told the soldiers you have to tell everybody because every house do we have pictures of bash hanging up in our house do we have pictures hanging up of Y harab in our house the same way they have this is the destination of this war this war you know they call it it's the war you know for the house this is like the lingo this is like the colloquial term term that they use in Israel you know we got you know a letter from from the government you know thank you for for serving enough for the house they don't even realize the term which they think for the state I don't know for the nation for the for the B this is this is the house this is the B know that bamin is part of this process bamin is is is bringing the B and if B would be down here with us first of all I wouldn't be here in this Moka I'd be I mean I only came for the wedding because I was coming to America I wouldn't have flown in just for that but I I wouldn't be sitting up here that's for sure I'd be sitting over here listening to re Goldberg but the Y if he would have had another 10 20 probably a whole lifetime because people would never know about him because we would never want people to know about him just said we got to move fast I'm going to take Ben you're all going to learn you're all going to do you're all going to accept upon yourselves everything possible you're going to see that the ultimate destination is coming close is coming I'm taking you up with me they're going to learn and you're going to push them forward Jen where does this come from in you I know you feel ordinary but you're extraordinary and we're all listening we're all learning we're all inspired and we all can't believe the approach that you have you saw the video at the with r cats were you rebuked it's not too harsh a word the crowd you said stop what's with little the tears and the sadness and the sorrow and the sad faces we're not going to sing this way you stopped an event on the schim of your son who was killed to say we have to sing with joy when you talk about is great that doesn't bring you where you are after having lost the son who who are The Inspirations in your life where did you get this from is it something you're born with or something you have to work on how can you recruit others us to see as clearly as you do to live the way you live with that energy with that Faith with that knowledge where does it come from and and how can we come aboard you gave me the most perfect Segway see that bag over there that is a gift for the Revit to Miriam we call that a tambourine in English last K this is in our DNA doesn't have to come from so far it's in our DNA of every woman to look forward to G this is it the we have the Ritson as the leader of the of the women and that's it you have your T mam this is uh where does it come from hasem gives me the most beautiful kiss and hugs lets me see things of Ms I don't know maybe but when you do have an amuna Kusa it's true you're not fine with reading it but talk it out that's why it's a Kusa it's not just reading an amuna book we talk about it we talk about life experiences and you know so I have a few different EMES I'm not going to lie but one of them this one the one that the wedding was here we've been doing for a few years no is simple living in living and living auna living Ina right it's not intellectual it's not sh you know you know you're not delving into perim just stories stories three minutes every day three minutes every day every day every day building your muscles constantly constantly constantly so it's on your awareness it's on your what can we learn what have people said or done for you for Rob for your family that's been helpful what what have they unintentionally said her dumb that's not been helpful I'm scheduled to have a call with a mother of a soldier who was skill who wanted to share with me so that I could try to share broadly constructive feedback of what people can do Americans come to Israel you can't just knock on a door because your group wants to offer Comfort what what can we learn both specifically in the case of a mother of the soldier but in general more locally as some people have responded to the article I wrote this week already reminding me you're right you don't have to go to Israel to hug somebody who's going through a hard time wherever you live in the world we have brothers and sisters who could use a hug and love and kindness and judge favorably so how can we learn both locally people who need our love and I'm Isel right now in Israel how to give love what what are the things people have said or done that have been helpful what can we learn of the things to try to avoid there were like I'm now beginning to feel ad there were so many things that just went through my mind um but I will tell you that some of the things one of the things that we did um at the levia I asked people to take on and the response has been amazing thousands thousands of people have taken on things when I feel that people are becoming better people and you know I mean let's bring on so that in and of itself I actually brought the notebook because I think I just wanted to show you just I keep thinking if we're shpping so was getting from seeing the list of people the things that people are committing from like ashat are standing in place and know putting on filling I I personally know somebody who since he came to Shiva he's been putting on his Fillin every day he didn't touch his Fillin since his b Mitzvah and he's not 14 years old he's so these are like to be able to see like such growth in am from that it's already a huge I was talking in the five towns one lady came to me afterwards and she said you know never really but now I want it so these are the greatest you know just as far as am in I want you to know I'm going to be very honest here two things so initially um it was a separation that we felt in our you don't understand us we're suffering you get to continue on with life but now in we're seeing the people in are feeling and we see how much giving how much doing how much investing with body with soul with money with whatever possible now obviously we want everybody to be in NY Str B said part of this war so he can clean out the South so that there's room for communities to flourish down there he literally saw this that this was going to be the biggest Aliyah movement because of this war that they were going to clean up and make room for everybody so initi so it's uh on one hand we feel what are you guys doing in L on the other hand if you can't come by the way I'm 100% believing that if you all came Rabbi Goldberg can come th Str so it's almost your fault true or not true true you're holding him back you know there was um one of your one of your podcasts I listened to when I was running I'm going to be very honest here I hope it's okay and you had mentioned that when you were um there was a fundraiser to build you're were talking about the founders the Builders of the sh and how the grandchildren that are going to come out if you are not even going to know what went into building the shore I'm was so upset what your planet and grandchildren years later already staying in you're 100% right we're building it is we're going to lift it up and bring it when the chef comes said says going to lift up and go in the south in the South with space now because it's a big campus and a lot of people but trust me every trip we take I just came back yesterday we're we're building to build we're coming we're coming but you're right keep keeping Rob actually said to DET tell every like no we can't but you're like no I can be can you know but the truth is is that that was also before simpl I think that was before we all felt how G is so palpable and all of AMS see this is another example am is just different now and you feel temporary you feel that you know things can change any second and not because they can because there something so much bigger going on and the fact that Jews are coming to arel constantly constantly constantly from K even if they're not staying full-time but I see people are like addicted they keep coming back and let me tell you something I'm coming now to America used to be on my trips that I would come here what's the trip about shopping you come here because it's good shopping you can go to and now it's like I don't there's no time for shopping and I don't care I mean I'm still G to go to Trader Joes B but like it's not our values and our needs are totally different in the same way when everyone comes to ER St on these missions it's not because it's the all you can eat breakfast at the imbal and going on ATV riding and you know ziplining and it's for it's for for real reasons of helping and volunteering and doing and giving and donating so our whole um in and I think in his beautiful wisdom sent me here for precious and I I never felt this for am lives I'm being very honest I always felt like you didn't understand this and now feeling the M 100% different wow we can't thank you enough I want to I want to close by asking you to share with us a little bit about this project in Bam's memory but really that's worthwhile and important and will be when mhia comes people will need a place to stay up north too so can you just close by by showing a little bit about this project and and Jen is too shy but I will encourage and push strongly everyone to do your part get involved all of us are eager to take away a little bit of pain to give a little bit of comfort to help a little bit in the in the of bringing mhia so please come take a bookmark that has a few of the 55 things on B's list and space to write a list of your own and please take a brasure for the project we're about to hear about so bam was a magnet for all kinds of juice he didn't care what anybody looked like what they were do do weren't doing wearing not wearing he didn't he didn't uh see any difference in Yen but what's come out of that is he can he's a magnet for all of them and uh he would pull them all in he would pull them in for Minion out in the you know even out in the fields you know one said me you're gonna love it now he makes Kish every Friday night even if he doesn't K job makes Kish because that was something he connected to by hanging with benam and now whenever he sees Bam's group he still joins them for Minion so bamin has a way of uh pulling all kinds of Juicy K so now we um wanted to start something that we feel is very needed in namel which is now postwar I know we're not there yet but guys are coming out and they will continue to beat hasem that soldiers that come out feel connected to Hashem now inside iseland they're putting on spill and they're putting on sitzes they see at Hashem they thought they were completely non-believers before and they are seeing hashem's hands do the work so but they don't know the first thing about yish they don't know the first thing about shabas but they're wearing tias right they're wearing their helmets they don't know what the keep but then they're going to come out and they feel connected and we want to provide a rehab center for them for them to Shas where we're going to have um some therapies light Therapies but a pampering place that they should want to enjoy and they should be treated like kings but to learn about yish K so in facts we have a place where with music with gentleness with love they'll start learning about yish kind whatever they want to do they want to do but we should they should be able to learn to taste how sweet to is in true bam style so that's one of the projects that we're doing happens to be there are a few different projects that are going on that's the number one that we're really fundraising for with Z right before right before suus the last thing he did before suus he took off time a few weeks earlier so he can work he took off again this is typical bam he took off time from the Army so he can work you understand most people take off time so they can go out chill with friends go on vacation but he worked so he can raise money and uh and he planted a Vineyard right before he right before the war right before so he planted a Vineyard out by we were um the state gave another 30 20 dunum of lands which I don't know if that is in acres but a lot the owner of the farm wants it to be at least 50 but we said they were're working on it and um and we want to uh continue planting Bam's Vineyards and you understand Benyamin didn't care for he did care for wine bam and I were you know we would share our bottle of wine on chavas you cared about the lamb growing and from my understanding I don't know if this is true but I say it because it sounds good I have to find out if it's actually true the area that it's that The Vineyards that the land was given is harna somebody said to me that that's where the wines for the Bas mes were coming from I don't know sounds good it sounds like but I always keep saying I'm not waiting four years I can't wait for Orland all of that to First have his wines for the base of mes we'll find the pinch hitter in the meantime and then Wars be Ed so these are two of the projects the third one is taking on a MIT to continue doing our part to do the best that we can bringing on the website we have an a.org website amazing how many different variations of spelling early they are but you'll get it in the brochure you'll see the right way to spell it a.org and you can sign up for to take on so that we can all rise to the occasion and be for all these boys who are building the B to bring it down the same way this one will be replanted over there but um this one will move there and the house that they're building up in sh will be coming down we should all be to be worthy of bringing the B down and dancing together in amen Jen I want to thank you so much you and Rob for sharing inspiring motivating hope everyone will take advantage of the opportunities to honor his memory and I'll close by saying I love that you talk about the y in the present not the past because his Nisha is still very much alive his body 21y old body is no longer housing that Nisha but he's not a part of the past he remains part of your present our present amn's present and thank you for all that you are all that you say all that you do and thank you for giving us time this morning we we send and we wish you only enormous strength and com and please God will be together soon in your