Turn Your Husband into Your Soulmate - Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik

[Music] all right so tonight's topic turn your husband into your soulmate my husband my husband is a rabbi and he you know sometimes marries people and when we meet when I meet with them she's a couple I often meet with them two or three times before the wedding and they think they're meeting with me in order to learn about the wedding ceremony which we are going to go through the house and the wines and again we mostly deal with Jews of but really from all lots of light but some of them uh have been a little bit far away in their time and but really I don't want to talk to them about the wedding I want to talk to them about marriage a rabbi in Toronto once said only people spend as much time planning their marriages as they do their weddings we all need a lot better off [Music] my first session with that I call scared and straight and I don't tell them that but in my mind oh first session scared him straight so what do I say to this young naive couple in front of me I asked them I asked them of all the people walking to the open how many get divorced so what do they say 50 percent and then I asked that of the 50 who stayed married what percentage would you say have a happy marriage what would you say ten percent in a married audience and every audience no matter where I speak in the world or what language in a married audience I get what I just heard which is of the 50 who stayed married that the lowest is usually about 10 and the highest is 50 in terms of what percentage of juice they are happy of the fifty percent I once did I was once the keynote speaker at an ncsy shop its own in Michigan it was me and the 120 teenagers it was very special and one session I had was on the Ten Commandments and I got to number seven don't commit adultery so what am I going to say to these kids without asking this question I asked something of all the people walked into the park Bahama to get divorced and they said 50 and then I asked them about the 50 who say Mary what percentage would you say have a happy marriage who are they picking up you know what they said [Music] so I say to the couple in front of me let's be very generous and we'll say of the 50 who stayed married fifty percent of them are happy and we're being very generous that means of all the people walking to the football maybe one quarter are going to come out with a happy marriage so I say to them you don't want to be a statistic now let's learn and I share with them some of the wisdom I'm going to be sharing with you tonight and if this is the listening from our Torah and I've extracted on the the wisdom and the experience I've had of course both in my own marriage but of the many hundreds and hundreds of couples who we've been involved with from all walks of fun so the first thing I'd say to the Kappa is we have to Define our terms the power is very big on us you want to be happy what's happening you want to be successful what's success so first we have to Define what love is and what marriage is because sometimes what I do when a couple comes to me unfortunately this happens on a weekly basis one of the techniques I use is I give them two pieces of paper and I write and I say to them write down your definition of love and your definition definition of marriage so the guy writes love is America's and she does the same thing then they hand you their papers what do I see two different definitions hello we're in this together and yet when we Define what we're in together differently how can we possibly achieve it at the very minimum we have to we have to have a mutual definition of what we're in now when I first did this when I was first teaching about this first I defined love and then I defined marriage which seems like the right order right love marriage character and then I realized no no Laurie anybody here who's been married for a few years and you go to a wedding you go to Asana or you go to a shiver brothers and the hasanakala the bridegroom talk about how much they love each other you and your husband are like They Don't Know What Love Is you can't compare the love I have to my husband on our wedding Day to the love I have for him now almost 30 years later five kids everything we've been through together that was like a joke on our wedding day I knew I was onto something but come on so you can't Define what love is first you have to Define what marriage is one it says in Kabbalah before you're born you're one Soul one the shama and the chef suits you you're half a soul and you go up into this world and your other half your soul mate your food also goes off into this world and hopefully you make choices in life and you make good choices and you Merit your bit share it you Merit to meet your soulmate but if you imagine you're you're an ashama your soul looks like a circle the almighty does not switch you like this he splits you like this like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together that means you have qualities that he needs and he is qualified unique because the whole idea of marriage is you're going to realize your potential through this Union and the mistake that people make is I should marry somebody just like me how can you realize your potential if you marry somebody just like you it's just more you I was in Los Angeles a couple of years ago and I was speaking there I was staying at a friend's house and they said listen we have this friend he's a long time bachelor in the community he doesn't seem to be able to get married will you please speak to him give him some advice coach him a little bit like we don't know what to do I said fine is a favor I said fine the guy comes over nice guy he handsome guy successful guy long time Bachelor so I said okay tell me about yourself so you start describing yourself and then I said okay well tell me what kind of girl you're looking for guess what he described himself and I said to him no you just describe yourself he goes I did and I said it's nice that you like yourself so much you want more of you okay maybe this is your issue all right yes that's why opposites attractive extroverts tend to marry introverts people organize in detail tend to marry people who are more artsy and flighty people like thermostats why why do omnises attract because you're half a soul and you're yearning for completion but here's the mistake we make Advantage those same qualities that we're so drawn to with the other person that complete us are the same qualities that later on in marriage make us nuts why can't you be more social why can't you be more on time why can't you be more fill in the blank ladies instead of presenting those qualities embrace them those are the qualities the almighty says that you need in order to realize your potential ladies you marry your homework and listen to the insanity okay do you notice you never fall out of love with your kids do you ever like have one and you call it your family services we never fall out of love with our kids and is anybody here pregnant wants to announce they're pregnant you're pregnant what is your name what is it oh beautiful so is this your first term it's your four okay you're gonna love me baby how do you know what you love every baby some babies are friends no you're not gonna get one of those why is she why is every friend a woman if I ask you to love your baby she's like of course she's insulted I even asked her why why does everybody why does every mother know she's no longer baby because she made a choice even before the baby was born that she's been with that baby no matter how the baby comes out boy girl organized um or or not or barely into shovel um athletic or theatric quick to anger easy going it doesn't matter why does every woman know she's gonna love her baby it's because love is a choice love is a choice and what is that choice okay so let's let's move on from there so Mary just won this okay what is one yeah before I move on just this whole extrovert introvert thing is anybody in the same Dynamic of a marriage that I'm in I'm the extrovert and my husband is the introvert is anybody like that anybody got that about that what is your name again okay so when you go into a social situation with your husband you're the actor right when you're about to social situation with your husband that he doesn't want to be at because he's introvert what's the first thing what's the first thing he says do before you watch it I'm staging it's so introverted [Music] oh Jesus when are we leaving we're leaving we have never gone in nobody is fun and we're already losing yes because for an introvert going into a social situation is like sucking the air out of the mood it's a lifestyle for an extrovert going into social situations like pumping air into the bloom it gives them more energy I thought it was 3 30 a.m ladies to come here okay yeah thank you very much [Applause] whatever and I'm going to be able to and when and tomorrow I'm flying off to Israel whether tonight you think I'd be crushed no I'm I'm gonna have a hard time falling asleep tonight because I've been hanging up with all of you all right really and I get more energy the more I'm going to be possible all right so each of those very extroverts and people who are organized married people who aren't it's why because the almighty is saying for every pod everyone lived okay there's a Buddhist expression all right that there's two pieces of a puzzle that fit together that you're going to become a greater person by marrying this person you're looking for him when you're guiding your children who they should marry is not what you want it's what do you need what do you need somebody came over to me and they asked me uh you know what questions do you ask when you're calling around don't you go paying to match your kids up or what again I said what questions you ask depends on your kid what do what does he need what does she need those are the questions you need to be asking because you're looking for and you're not looking for the perfect person you're looking for the person perfect for you and the person perfect for you and the person perfect for your child is an imperfect person everybody has stuff have you noticed that very positively like I don't get divorce and then it talks about the sky and it's just like I want to give it to the sky and independent and I go okay you can divorced I said you want to get married again okay yeah of course I go you know the next guy he's not gonna have that stuff but guess what he's gonna have other stuff okay because everybody has stopped at least this is no stop now you're gonna have unknown stuff all right when we have the deal with our husband's challenging qualities with his staff okay what do we have to be drawn upon because we all grow there are husbands good qualities our husband's good qualities are like the whipped cream on the hot chocolate we don't grow to our easy kid we grow for our challenge again when we have to and this world ladies is all about growing it's all about realizing our potential and the almighty sent you the guide with that stuff and that challenging kid to make you a better person when we have to deal with our challenging kiddo we have to deal with our husband's stuff what do we have to draw upon with ourselves we have to be patients and understanding and be the giver and be loving and being supportive if I told you I have a patient kind loving supporter giving person for you oh my gosh en I want to meet that person that sounds like uh great person get it the almighty is trying to squeeze the potential out of you and me and brings these people into your life the challenging people some of them have in-law after their name with our our son just got engaged and this is our first I'm getting married and he's I don't know if anybody are even familiar with this another speaker of the tutorial Hudson she's also a leader of the jwrp so my son her daughter and and they're done this is their first you know like also Mary Poppins so nobody knows what they're doing he's perfect and uh so I was away at ASAP time I'll do a piece of time I did uh I'm like one of those speakers those fancy piece of getaways so this year we were in Phoenix we were Rabbi Wallace we're not a programs or we are right okay so of course and my son had just got engaged here with ASAP so I'm walking around like there's 800 people there four people there and I walk around going like mother-in-law advice mother-in-law advice okay so the general theme of mother-in-law advice about God was mouth clothes there it is honestly when you talk to people you talk to people you see this is a new I find it fascinating this new stage of life this new Dynamic and it's and I'm grooming I'm already growing and I'm really be careful and I want this to be fantastic and amazing but I know it's challenging and better to learn from other people's mistakes and not your own mistakes if I collect risk them I feel like wisdom on airplanes I don't care who's beside me but how do you change yours what's your stupid what you had to do it over again what would you do tell me something you did wrong collect wisdom and if you ever walk with them about anything it should be about the most important relationship in your life and that is your marriage making the choice the right choice and when you're advising your kids this is the most important decision they will ever make in their lives the right decision will propel them forward in life and the wrong decision destruction okay all right so marriage marriage is one what is love what is love so there are three aspects to the definition of love so what have we've touched upon already love is the emotion that you feel when you focus in on the virtues of another person and you identify them with those virtues that's luck I'll repeat because it's so important love is the emotion that you feel when you focus in on the virtues of another person and you'll identify them with those virtues you see we do this with our kids you ask me like tell me about your kids I'd be like all about yourself okay so how much is a bragging Jewish mother this is how I see them even though who knows my kids good quality is better than I do nobody who knows my kids challenging problems better than I do nobody but when I think of them I identify them with their good qualities that's what we're supposed to do in marriage remember love is a choice I'm choosing what to focus in on his goodness everybody's got stop what are you choosing to focus if it doesn't mean you're blind to their negative qualities I completely cognizant of my kids challenging qualities but I love love love them because I choose to focus in on their goodness when are we supposed to choose to focus in on our spouse's good qualities every day every hour every minute if I focus on my husband's staff I won't feel love if I focus in on his virtues I will it's really that simple love is a choice so Choose Wisely that's the first definition of love the second second so love is what's important to you is important to me I learned this from David Wise he's the head he was the head screenwriter on Shrek 2 I spoke with him at a conference in London England I also spoke at a conference in Istanbul with him and he had a whole group sure an example story so David Weiss learned this from his rap I've learned it from our Rabbi and he said this was the theme of Shrek 2 and if you register it through okay you'll see the trick because the female shark too is what's it born to you is important to me now I'm doing this for my parents my parents uh my talk about offices of attract okay how can I describe my parents to you my mother's idea of a great vacation is backpacking in Nepal on 24-hour service she's 82. I'm not joking okay she's adventurous she's creative she's spontaneous she's impulsive my father's idea of a great vacation is an air-conditioned bus tour a Miami baseball planning for six months they were married this year 60 years [Applause] I'm actually a very interesting combination my parents I have a very adventurous side from my mother a very practical side for my father how did they make this work they lived this definition what's important to you is important to me my mother she loves the Arts so they have a subscription to the Toronto Symphony so once a month my father goes with my mother in Toronto to the symphony holds her hand and tries not to fall asleep my mother my father he's a real Canadian guy he loves hockey so he got my mother goes to the Toronto maybe dance with my father hold his hand and tries to Pretend This is not stupid because love is what's important what's important to me our son Moshi who just got engaged okay so emotions are jock okay he's like taking the sports and so he always follows Sports so we didn't raise our kids to the television but when I would travel to speak I would always turn on ESPN why so I could come home and say motion I Saw Shop in his neck is like this and I saw Kobe and all his tattoos and I saw the mailman you know why they call him the mailman because he delivers eyes would light up what he knows I don't love sports but I love my milkshake and love is what's important to you is important the third aspect of the definition of Love is from Rabbi desperate's work strive for truth he asked the classic Jewish philosophical question does lovingly to giving or does giving lead to nothing I love you so I give to you or the more I give to you the more I love you and the Jewish answer is the more you give the more you love you see this with kids I don't know about you they handed me my first kid in the hospital shashana and I was so overwhelmed at how helpless she was babies are so helpless they're so tiny and so helpless they can't do anything on their own they can't they can't feed on their own they can't clean up on their own they they can't turn it over on their own you have to burp them they can't even burp on their own why did Hashem make the world this way Hashem designed a world with unbelievable Brilliance and unbelievable wisdom and lessons for us in the animal kingdom it's not like this a deer has a fawn the fonders is a little bit is a little bit shaky and goes has a life babies are so helpless why so we'll give and we'll give and we'll give and we'll give now what do you get back for the first few months you'll get something back you can throw it down your back diamond on the front and sleepless nights and you love this baby there should have been a siren that went off that like mother who doesn't know what she's doing okay a couple years ago one of my kids was going through a little bit of a hard time and we had this plot okay we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna adopt the dog okay okay he's not some dining whatever in white circles but we just thought would be good for this kid my husband we didn't tell him that's it so I don't know if you've ever gone through this but we've literally went online we think it will get like a dog that somebody threw away so if you ever done this you go on and you have to apply it's a long application about your history with animals and your kids and your what does your yard look like and if you have a fence and you've ever had a dog and everything we were rejected by every every organization that gives away God that people threw away if you get past the application they come to interview her neighbors okay it's unbelievable but because we didn't have a history with dogs and because we have a fenced in yard thank God they rejected us because my husband would have put me okay they let me leave the hospital by time with me okay okay [Music] and that's why my husband and I spend a lot of time cleaning up the mess with adults okay because our parents your first kid is like the first Pancake okay now he gets them okay foreign [Music] you want to love somebody more whether it's your husband or it's your neighbor or it's your mom and Mom yes don't wait to feel loved and then give give and you will feel wonderful all right so those are the three definitions of love and we define marriage now now I'm going to live out of my daily Workshop which this is not the three questions you have to answer yes to in order to know is the right person for those of you who are trying to get married and for those of you advising people like our children again the most important decision you'll ever make these are the three questions you have to answer yes to to know it's the right person it's not it's not any any priority order because you have to answer yes to all three are you ready okay okay number one number one do you have the same meaningful life goals no [Music] it's not what your house look like what does your house feel like not just to be one have children what values do we want to give our children what a person doesn't where they do it to change but a person's meaningful life goals and values you have that has to be the same when we say opposites attract we don't need values my day-to-day goals are very different than my husband's but our life goes together and I have to tell you you know I realized early on when I was dating to get married that I'm a very idealistic person apparent optimistic and I knew I wanted to do something for the Jewish people and that's what I wanted to book myself to so you know I dated the doctors and Warriors and captains and I realized I can't bear these guys why for me again you have to know what you need but you based on you I had a girl who came up to me after a daily Workshop she was I don't know if a guy I'm dating has the same meaningful life goals and I do because I don't know what my meaningful starts with you until you know who you are and where you're going you don't know who to go with so I remember like you know I remember dating an accountant and I'm thinking like I can't hear this guy why for some people and some people this audience being married to an accountant is the perfect guy for you to marry but not based on who I am what would I say to my husband if you're an accountant at the end of the day so honey everything at all [Laughter] so I knew I I I didn't just meet a guy who was like that's nice honey what do you do for the Jewish people I need something I was going to do it like for me what I needed do you understand all right so to have the same meaningful life goes number two are you physically attracted to each other this is a very very very important part of a marriage and not just for the first few years no this is actually supposed to be getting stronger the marriage you know in the Torah when it talks about a husband and it's intimate with his voice and he knew her the more knowledge the more love the more love the more desire of each other it's supposed to be getting stronger and you're here tonight to support a cons that is almost a guarantee to keep this strong you have to understand that on the the jwrp trips these women who are coming from not such strong Jewish backgrounds or knowledge one of the things we do after we talk to them about marriage is we bring them to a midpoint and they most of them have never seen them in their lives or they have a negative experience or they have all these misconceptions as we bring them I actually we try every year our first group of women came in 2009 we had 300 women then we had 600 women then we had 900 there were a thousand in these really government thing for us and and partnered with us and the governor numbers have gone Eastern Europe and now we brought over 7 300 women from 2400. [Applause] and then I finally said to my team that find me the most beautiful nickname Israel okay I'll make this I'll make the trip work I want the most beautiful necklace so I don't know if you've ever been to in spots stunning gorgeous subject the mic for ladies there are like nishamas that sauce and these bodies to win them down okay very special very fun and the women are mesmerized mesmerized and I have to tell you these women who have many of them have never in their lives even imagined are so between going to the Mecca and the experience in The Sisterhood and the learning and the Shabbos that's been spent in The Old City together and it's just an unbelievable experience so our data shows that one year after the trip that 30 of the women are now keeping targets so much and you know what that could do you know when they hear this for the first time it's all to get off again this can't even move every month this Desiring build up for each other they're like Why did no one tell me this all right if it's such wisdom and I have to tell you we bring husbands now to Israel because the women are like my husband is so we have a husband trips Charlie Ferrari leaves the tramps Charlie I have to hook up for four years to do it but he's like all the way down to the topic and it's amazing so we bring them to the same time we bring them to the same experience and it was a big we took a chance and the mecca was amazing to open up their doors and the husband sit there and I speak Charlie gets a whole talk to them about the subject and I speak to them seriously like for three minutes three minutes and I say to them that your wives come here and they're very taken when we explain this Mitzvah and so many of them say to me I would love to do this but my husband's never going to go for this and I told them I said guys your Wives come on the trip they're missing and they share their lives with me and they share their marriages with me and I'm here to tell you on behalf of your wives that your wives are desperate for you to want them in every way physically emotionally spiritually I'm telling you the guys are just like and on Shabbos on Chavez um I I only speak to them twice as people know but when I actually welcome them I speak to them for three minutes of the Mitzvah and then on Shabbos morning or something I give them a talk on marriage and the talk is called what your wives want you to know and I told them that the Torah says that you have a job in marriage times and your job is to make your wife happy and I'm here to tell you how to do it and we're literally like she doesn't tell me okay I really don't know so this is a very important part of marriage and ladies were making mistakes in this area and this is a very big deal for a guy okay and men and women often look upon this in a different way not going to go into a lot of details about it but uh uh Robinson uh Ray Robertson once came to Toronto years ago when I lived in Washington DC now but when I was a young age wife in Toronto uh so grab a yak of weinberg's it's all in his represent came to the uh to Toronto and she met with the young Robinsons And she told us very strongly how important it is to always put your best foot forward that you shouldn't take this aspect uh for granted in your marriage and she said to us so how do we look when we go out how do you look when you go out you dress up right you all agree did I leave maybe dress up and then when we go home we dress and down so this is going to stay our husbands are out there all day long interacting with women who went out and they look great and then he comes home to us [Laughter] yes so it's not like my house is going to come home and he sees me you know whatever or not so and he's going to call a commission for a guest no but this is ship ship ship away and the correct don't mean boss called our marriages and ladies enough chips will cause a crack and enough cracks will cause a break so she told us the story she said whenever her husband or down if we drive up to the driveway would she hear her husband come home she would run to the bathroom put on first lipstick fix her hair spray perfume and go to the door to greet her husband night after night this is what the kids saw their concert we drive out to the driveway mommy would go lipstick hair and greet their father she said one night she was very tired she fell asleep on the couch and drove up with the dry bread and the kids had it so she woke up and you're sure it's a funny story [Music] American song night after night that their mother cared more about what their father thought of her than anyone else in the world you can imagine what kind of marriages they have now that they've grown up don't take this for granted this is a very very important part of your marriage okay third question third question is different for a woman than for God okay is this one is this the one oh by the way if um people here who are married like me and like a lot of you if you answer no to one of these questions do not go home and pull up yours and go I knew it all along this will be the last time they invite me back all right for those of us who are married these are the three areas we have to put a lot of time in effort nurturing our mutual goals and values making sure the physical attraction is going up and not down third question third question is different for a guided for a girl so when girl comes to me like somebody said okay are you are the same people like both yes physical attraction yes and then I'll look her in the eye without the guy in the room and the third question to her I will ask her do you respect him and she says yes without hesitating this is it but if I go do you respect him she goes yeah it's my word it is a very very very very very very important thing a poor guy it's very important for a man that is white perspective he could be the CEO of a company that people are battling down to all day long but if he comes home and he goes his wife doesn't expect him it's not time why is it such a big deal for God that his wife respects that I have no idea is that my theories can you go into society ladies it doesn't matter why it just is it just is I'm going to give you respect one-on-one now you ready this is basic basic of respect in your God if you're not doing this go and come to me I don't want to talk to you okay imagine for whatever reason Oprah Winfrey is coming to Queens and it's at your home to come to to do an in-home interview okay okay today over the camera crew account how does your house look perfect how do you look perfect okay you're on the phone with your best girlfriend waiting for Oprah in the character regular diet over in common pretty good thing you're on the phone with your best girlfriend [Music] your husband wants it [Laughter] ladies when your husband comes home yeah and he should feel you say oh my gosh my husband's home I gotta go click what message are you sending to him you are more important than anyone else at the end of this line and it's true there's a couple receptions number one it's his mother and ladies sometimes you're not on the phone and you hear your husband come home grab your phone bill oh my gosh my husband's home gotta go so some of you are sitting here I know I'm saying so I heard something amazing from an educator in Toronto named Sherry wants she says treat him like a man you respect and you would become a man that you respond if somebody tremendously respect was coming over or walked in right a great Rock uh your grandfather your some of your tremendously respect would you ask them if they want something to eat or something to drink treat him like a man who respect and it will become a man so that's the question we asked the girl what do we ask the guy because what is a Mandy a man needs to be respected what's a woman need a woman needs to be wow a woman wants to be respected just to be loved and a man wants to be loved but needs to be respected so what do we ask the guy for the third question without the girl in the room will you be happy making her happy for the rest of your life because every guy needs a job his job is quite happy but you're gonna have to take pleasure in making her happy okay true story okay because ladies you gotta give him a break you didn't Merry Christmas in the mind reader okay he doesn't really know I'm telling you guys on the trip are like just tell me tell me and I will make her happy you're like well if I killing you we won't mean anything no they don't know okay thank God for your girls were often become teenagers and your jewelry gets better right because they can tell your husband this is okay so true story okay my husband bless him okay so you're I asked Robinson Weinberg I said what's my job as a wife besides the obvious she says your job is a wife his job is to make you happy what's your job to take a good guy and make him great to make him great and how do you make him great I ask how do you break the print she said by pointing out his mistakes in the very best way possible and almost always that's not by telling him you're making a mistake because he could take that as criticism and that's not a way to build it that's a way to break him so how do you build him but but get him to become a greater person okay okay so I met I met my husband uh 30 years ago and Eric as well uh and we met at the community January we got engage today in January and got married in June and now it's October and it's my birthday it's the first birthday we're celebrating as husband of mine okay he remembered it was my birthday you got to do that and you can't see my present it's all smiles okay what do you think my husband got me for the first birthday we're celebrating his husband food processor one woman in that audience said to me she goes I got a bathroom scale my eyes Okay a food processor okay and my husband's all smiles and I realized he doesn't know he doesn't do this okay so so keep up to heard me say when we set up house after all the wedding presents and showers okay I didn't get a food processor I need a food processor he's a man [Music] so I said thank you honey just gave me my birthday presentation who worked with my husband and they were married like a year before us and he waited a couple weeks and mentioned in passing that women like perfume and jewelry so the next day my Italian perfume and the next time you got me perfume that's why you got to be perfect we only use a tiny bit okay so you have to point out some mistakes and help them to become great in a way that builds him and doesn't defeat them and don't make the mistake that we often make that we pour our time and love and affectionate effort into our children because they need us your husband needs you too he needs you more than you need him what's my proof people are married 40 years 50 years right the woman dies what does the guy do remarries in two seconds okay all right the husband dies what does the wife do she goes on cruises with her girlfriend for a man the most intimate deep emotional relationship it will have in his life is with us with us for us we have a deep emotional relationship with the woman behind us at Walmart we have girlfriends but for the guys you're it for your husband your it don't bump him down the ladder where the kids come he needs you to all right I will now Skip and I'm going to grab something and we're going to end with a very important concept this is from my soul and the actor right talk I asked our Rabbi I may not blind words itself I said you know in in the next world I'm very practical who am I with who am I with for eternity so he said you have a connection to your parents in a circular relationship with them and you have a connection to your children and a certain relationship with them but the person you spend eternity with is about your spouse now some of you look happy when I learned this I was so happy and I remember going back to Toronto and saying to my friend Sandy who has a very good marriage I said you think I just want to we spend eternity with our husbands she goes my kids I'm not with my kids I go Sandy it makes so much sense give and you give and you give to your kids and your success as a parent if they grow up and leave you you hope they live in the same city but you hope they pick up the phone you hope they come to the path that based on stator but if your kids are 35 and living in your basement something went wrong but you give and you give and you give to your spouse only so that he'll come closer to you if you grew apart something went wrong what is this teaching us Choose Wisely work like crazy at your marriage ladies it's just not for caring this is for eternity thank you very much [Applause]