Leah Richeimer | The Marriage Secrets Tour (Kew Gardens Hills) | CHAZAQ

good evening everyone welcome to tonight's very special Shear this is the third part of the marriage Secrets tour um Leia was was on Sunday amazing event in the white Shore last night in Lakewood tonight in young isra Queens Valley tomorrow night in Muny we want to thank the young isra Queens Valley Rabbi Marcus swea for hosting tonight's event than the zero Round of Applause for hosting tonight's event um we want to thank for the the amazing people who who put efforts in behind the scenes to put together tonight's event we have KH Richmond who put in so much amazing efforts for this entire tour for this event in particular we have rebon khar Marsha har yafa AB kova Kitz and Mal shov think deserve Round of Applause for their great efforts for tonight and before we introduce um Miss Le richheimer who are here all here to hear tonight um just a quick word about the kazak organization which organizes amazing events and shum like tonight different communities to inspire um men women young and old U from all backgrounds and has a special focus on public school Outreach programs in over 20 different locations um inspiring hundreds of public school students throughout the year with a special division called public school which has transferred over 1,600 children from public school yiva so if anyone here has a neighbor coworker relative has children public school like to tr to youa please reach out to the kazak organization and tonight we have the great honor to hear from Mr Le richheimer who's the author of seven amazing books and two of them are available for sale um outside marriage secrets and a book that just was just hot off the press 21 days to an awesome marriage um everyone should definitely pick up a copy and get one for your for yourself for your friends for your relatives and she's the host of the very popular um shom Bas uh weekly video podcast called Le's talk show she's the found of the nonprofit organization called the marriage companion which is dedicated to having Aaliyah for every marriage in KRA and everyone please please please let's welcome give a round of applause to m [Music] [Applause] l thank you so much wait can Philly see me can Philly see me yes oh hi Philly hi Oh I thought I could see them I'm only going to okay I can't see you but I assume you're all there hi everybody so Philly's here with us today everybody okay first all welcome everybody I am so thrilled to be here and I got so many hugs and so much positive feedback it's like I think I'll go home I'm just like an AR rest on this you know thank you very much for the warm welcome it really means a lot to me and I just want to tell you that tonight each one of you has an opportunity here tonight oh can you see me will she tell you if she can't see me I walk around what am I going to do um oh she said Le what doing great you're doing great you can see me m hi okay so that's one of my coaches who's in in Philly who's got the whole there's 40 people there I guess okay so here's the thing is that tonight and this is for everybody tonight you have the opportunity I'm going to give a sheer for one hour standing on one foot it's has the potential to completely change your life this is not like oh W that was lovely that's not the Sher we're going to do here tonight okay it has the opport this is the opportunity for you and if you open your heart I I I promise you I will deliver that and you can take that home with you and the other thing I want to say is very very crucial the single most important factor in your marriage is you and I know you think it's your husband okay but I'm going to prove to you tonight I'm going to show you how much there's always something a woman can do to shift the whole dynamic of the marriage I'm going to give you stepbystep instructions on how to do it tonight okay you ready everybody ready okay I'm going to start with a story okay the governor of Texas is driving down the freeway he's got do they have Cadillacs here these Big Stretch what do they have these days it's not Cadillacs I'm probably Tes huh a Tesla but Tesla aren't big enough you know he got it's got to be a big you know whatever okay it's a Tesla a Cadillac they made a conversion or whatever okay so he's driving down this big thing he's got a 10 gallon hat he's driving down his wife is there they're taking a vacation they never had taken a vacation they're driving around Texas galic They're laughing joking having a really really great time and he sees that the needle on his thing on his um what you call it uh his oil he needs oil so he has to go to full service he pulls off the freeway he goes into the thing and he pulls and the guy comes around and he starts talking to the governor about what to or you know what um you know but the order for the oil or whatever carburetors I don't know I don't know cars very well anyway okay oh where do I need to stand this is really annoying okay okay tell him if you can't see me okay so what happens is they pull over he starts talking to the guy and his wife who the whole time the whole vacation she's been just happy and joyous and whatever she's actually bending down and she's picking off the lint off her carpet her she does not lift her head for the entire time they're in the gas station oh good okay okay okay fine love you bye bye no problem she's one of my coaches okay um so he she's picking the lint and they get back on the freeway and the Govern says let me ask you something before we got married you are engaged to somebody else isn't that right and she goes yeah yeah we talked about it you know he said let me guess something else that gasoline attendant that was your former fiance wasn't it and she says oh my goodness how did you guess that that's crazy yeah that was him and the governor says let me ask you something else you were sitting there thinking oh my goodness if I had married that man I would now be the wife of a gasoline attendant in podon Texas isn't that what you were thinking and she says no dear that's not actually what I was thinking well what do you what were you thinking and he said says I was thinking oh my goodness if I had married that man he would now be the governor of Texas okay so here's what I want to tell you you're going to learn tonight how to make the governor of Texas and that is small potatoes for a yid we have the potential to make our husbands into not only to create the to bring out his full potential but Ina for eternity so even though that's a beautiful story about making a man great and the governor Texas is lovely lovely doesn't hold a candle to what we as women as Jewish women can create in our husbands I'm going to teach you exactly how so I'm going to start I want to tell you what's going to happen tonight so first I'm going to start I'm going to tell you a little bit about armasaur then I'm going to get give you the actual five things you're going to walk home today the five things you you oh I need Um this can I borrow somebody have a Bo a marriage Secrets did someone buy one just hand it to me or whatever okay so now it's famous cuz it's been used in a talk show or talk or what okay so here's the problem how can I this is um has 220 tour sources in it it's the the um a step-by-step instruction on our shonas Mur how do I get that in an hour how do I give it to you you like I can't do that right so what I did is I took chapter 1 2 3 4 5 and I made them one thing chapter 4 5 6 78 and made it another so I'm going to give you the I boiled it down to five things so when you walk out of here today you will know the the whole M okay thank you very much okay so now the first thing I want to tell you what's the shop that they have or where does everybody uh grocery shop what wait say it loud somebody say erands oh erands okay I like that name okay erands okay if you walked into erands you see the first woman she's wearing a shael and you go up turn and you say um excuse me man excuse me tell me please what what is our Mur fashu just say oh you need milk you need meat you need this heure is terrible that one's great you need to toyal your dis she will talk your ear off for two hours she knows kers I could talk right if I called you up here and said tell me about kers you could talk for two hours yeah maybe an hour and a half I don't know three hours okay if I if you go into erands and you see in a woman you say tell me what is our masora for chabas she say oh you need candles you need kala you need challenge you know she'll talk your ear off 2 hours 3 hours you know every you can do this don't this like candle at this time talk your ear off for hours now you ask her the million-dollar question what is our Mur for Shalom bias she got to go bye bye she'll run out of Aaron screaming because she does not know the answer did did we bring boxes of tissues please hand every person a box entire box of tissues this is the saddest thing on the whole world look where did arasur go we should be sobbing we know kous we know shom we know um shabas but Shalom bias is the single most important thing for our for our happiness for our husband's happiness for so if you learn nothing else from this Shear you have to walk out of here a aab a AOG what like dumbfounded like she's right that's true I don't know it oh my and you to put into you a burning fire to know our shom bias cold cuz I'll tell you why because for the last 70 50 60 70 years we have been sold the bill of goods a bill of goods that a marriage an equality based marriage in equality based marriage is the ticket to happiness we all it's a fail hello wake up it's an equality-based marriage is a total fail and what we are trying to do what our mission is is to take everybody from all of krail every marriage in krael and take it from an equality based marriage which is a fail to a Torah based marriage which has a three, thy old track record bulletproof track record of success it's guaranteed and the women who who studied this and some of the people came up and hugged and like wow this works and I love ladi's talk show it changed everything why they think it's because me yes I'm really great no has nothing to do with me it's our Mur our Mur gives us you think God he created us right you think he doesn't know exactly what we need to be happy and then he tells us how to get it Meanwhile we're following these old books from 1972 you know what I'm saying like hello so I'm not an anti-feminist I feel like it gave a lot of I don't know I mean I'm not an expert in it but I will tell you one thing the Shalom bias Mur works and I'm going to teach you a lot of it tonight and I'm going to hopefully put burn in your in your kishkas a desire to learn more and more and more and I do have um uh well let me just tell you when I flew to Philadelphia this is about a dozen years ago and um I F to Phil flew to to Philly Philly hi I flew and I met with re uh R ketki um who is the uh R Shiva and I said to him I believe the avod the work of Our Generation I believe it is Shalom bias and he said okay Mrs richmer can I ask you what what's your source for this and I said well I was kind of hoping that rosesa would be my source for this like and I said listen I said everyone's running running after lushan Hara they're running after SAS they're running after kids off the Derk they're running after addictions they're running after a million different things perhaps if we took care of shom bias all of the other issues and all of the other problems in clel would just diminish or or disappear and he said Mrs richheimer you need to teach this to as many people as possible one candle should not light many candles and guess who my candles are yeah we don't have a miror someone give me AE okay so what we what our mission is my husband and I about a dozen years ago I've been teaching canor for many decades and uh about a dozen years ago what could what difference could we make if but when we're sitting on our deathbed at 120 and we're looking back at our life what do we want to have accomplished well we we could save the butterflies we could you know the whales need help you know what what could we do we said if we work on sholom bias that's that's the ior that's the core of the whole world if if people had Shen bias all of the other issues would be taken care of by themselves so this is the mission we're on I'm a full-time volunteer all of the royalties from all of my books all of my income all goes for shom bias and I I this the ladies talk to everything and they're trying to buy sponsorship I'm like no this is it we are this is our mission so I'm sharing all this to for you so you know I have one Mission here I don't want to sell both the only reason yes I'm sorry I do want to sell books and I'll tell you why not to make the $2.35 okay art school is very generous whatever I want because I want you to have the best marriage you possibly can okay I'm just going to tell you about the coaching program and then I'm going to get into how the let night's going to work so uh by the way you see all these fun things the we're having a raffle actually you know what I think I have enough for everybody just at the end everybody just grabbed there's bookmarks I mean bags over here you can grab one of these a CO thing a keychain a a cup okay we have that the other thing we have is um the game 21 if you gather you take 21 bookmarks that's probably 40 but whatever you take 21 bookmarks you give out 21 bookmarks like we're trying to spread the word and then you guys are the is what isn't it a Grassroots movement whatever that's what we're trying to do so if you take 21 and you hand out 21 and you don't have to like be a salesperson whatever you just say here I think you'll like this that's what you have to do you give out 21 and you get 21 days to an awesome marriage video series it's worth $100 you get it for free okay so that that anyway that's all of this I want to just tell you about the coaching program May 15th that's right after pesak clly Israel is desperately desperately in need of people of shom biased teachers people to teach to to oneon-one to coach them to work with them to lead group groups like this to have 50 I just had one of my coaches taught had 100 people on a zoom class on Chelm bias uh another one is in Brazil she's has 20 people every Monday night coming and she's got 20 more who are trying to get her for Tuesday night you know I have um uh we have 21 oh where's the oh yeah if you look over there see that join our Global team see that map we trained up 60 so far 61 coaches though their names are on the right hand side we have a coaching hotline so people call them and get but all of those coaches you are needed and I know you're thinking oh the person in the seat next to me yes it that' be great for her we it we desperately and all of you in Philly this means you too don't think you can look behind and say oh there she's talking to you in Queens it's not us it's you we need we CLA is in desperate need of Shalom bias teachers and here's my promise to you it's a six-month course it's like a PhD in Shalom bias your marriage will will be better than you ever ever dreamed possible like ever okay and I will train you step by step on two things number one on the Missour you will know the 220 tourus sour is cold it's a live thing with me I'm not is zoom live I don't know what is it yeah kind she's not yeah anyway you can talk back to me so whatever anyway because we have everybody all over the world I couldn't fly you know unless everyone to chip in and buy me a lar jet no okay we didn't have a lot anyone oh someone in Philly wants to buy us a lar jet no okay now anyway so the thing is we do it all on zoom and it's with me and I teach two things number one I teach the Mur cold and the second thing is I teach how to give it over right because the ROM bom says you need to respect your husband exceedingly so what when I tell that to women what do they do when he respects me I'll respect him right when's the men's class you know like that so I totally get that I totally get it but as a teacher you learn to the answer to that which is I hear that he should respect you you want to know the number one way to get him to respect you respect him and the person can hear that so I teach you I teach you the Mur and then how to give it over okay I want to start by uh by the way everybody has on your on your bench did you guys get yeah yeah you got all your stuff okay so you have a um uh index card that's for questions CU how this is going to work is I'm going to for an hour I'm going to give you the Mur I'm going to give you the marriage secrets you know thing standing on one foot okay so that next time you're in Aaron you can stand on one foot you can give the answer okay so I'm going to do that um but at then after that there'll be about a half an hour of Q&A and the Q&A are on these index cards you write any question you want on Shon bias fold it in half so that nobody can see it and then we'll pass them in okay so that's um that's how it's going to work tonight okay um okay before I teach you the five things that you all came out here tonight to hear I'm going I need to I need if you have a full Cup right and I start pouring stuff in it's just going to Splash all over the place so I'm going to actually undo I'm going to take some stuff out of the cup so you can actually hear what I have to say and that is to explain the four lies that is in the world that I don't care how sheltered a life you live lead or you know flip phones and this and that however sheltered it is it infiltrates into our brain and I'm going to go over those with you and I I like these cutesy things so I it's it's lies it's the four lies in the outside word l i s so the first one is L and that is the LIE of later that later you will be happy that that um when you have the house you want when your husband starts doing things your way when your kids do better in school that your happiness doesn't exist right now and if you want a shortcut actually we learned this in the course I'm going to give you like a freebie here is that if you want you know that thing feeling it's like it's p like P again it's PES like how what happened to the year you want to slow it down connect instant slowing down so we're in our society we are addicted to accomplishing things getting this done getting the kid comes in it's like you're you're staring like like I'm just about to put my order in Amazon what are you bothering me for you know this is dropping what you're doing and connecting is the secret to slowing down time okay anyway that's just a side thing but okay let's get back to later so here's the thing about the LIE of later as you we know that we are exactly where Hashem has put us exactly right now right now meaning there is no later it's like right now this is what has it doesn't look the way we want it to do our kid didn't do well in this thing and our husband said that mean thing to us over shop us in front of our mother-in-law you know it life doesn't look the way we think it should look but is understanding we are exactly where we are meant to be at the moment that we are there okay that's the LIE of laws the next the LIE of layer sorry the next one is I right it's l i e s oh you guys also you can get your oh she's bringing them thank you sweetie P okay um I is the a lie of images that you will be happy when your life looks like a fairy tale we've all been brainwashed that the night and shiny armor is going to come sweeping up our us off our feet and our expectations of our husband and what our life should look like is out of whack and it's the LIE of these images and I will tell you I used to work with singles I have a book called shid secrets from Arts girl um I only now work with Shalom bayas so um you know whatever people Rush the stage and say oh singles I've got single you know I only work on Chen Bas now so just make that clear but for decades I worked with singles and I could always meet with somebody and I could tell whether they had read romance novels or not just literally within five minutes of talking about them because their idea and their image of what he should be like and how it's going to be and what you know his their image of it was completely out of whack and I had to kind of scrape the Barnacles off you know barnacles are those things on a ship that you can't get off you know and you're SC I in order to have them see this is a this is a fantasy land this is like it really is great for a TV show or for a movie or for a romance novel it doesn't work in real life as you I once gave a lecture to 20 somethings and I'm explaining this and they sitting like this the whole thing like this the whole time they they right that because they think that the fantasy is still alive right the 30-year-olds they gave me the next night I was with a group of 30-year-olds they're like sh sh let her talk what what what writing down everything why cuz they know they were out in the real world for a decade and they they saw the how bankrupt images is okay the next one is e l i e s right e you you didn't give um eggs out to anybody right nobody you didn't pass eggs no no one has egg no one has Tomatoes nothing no eggs tomatoes so I can say the next thing without okay ready the LIE of equality we have been sold a bill of goods that an equality marriage where all the decisions are made equally the work is done equally the sharing is done equ everything's equal that that is going to be the Gaden and as we know it's a complete fail and the the the the measure of a home is not equality the measure in a home is Shalom so I'm going to show you what that looks like but you have to just take that out of your brain because I I you know I meet with a lot of people and this is well he didn't and I you know like that so very very important okay the next one is s the LIE of stuff that getting will make you happy the getting will make us happy that you you get this and you get that right with a whole materialistic Society but it's not just materialism it's also that my husband should do this for me you know when you first get married it's like oh what can I do for you can I make you some cupcakes and can you know oh and he's going to bring me flour you you're always into what can I give you what can I give you right and then you get married and three months later it's like what what am I going to get what am I get why isn't he doing this for me why didn't he do you expectations flow through the roof right so the issue is if the husband is working very hard to figure out what he can get and the wife is working very hard about what she can get what do you end up with a get okay so the issue is I'm going to prove to you right now how crucial um giving is in terms of marriage in terms of relationship and how that's what we're told that happiness comes from getting and I'm going to here to prove to you that happiness comes from giving so who loves to shop for clothes okay good okay what's what's your name yeah what is it Violeta Violeta okay Violeta what's your favorite color it's got to be Violet come on no what would you like yeah black black okay black okay so fine so Violeta is walking to um you know down down the what what do they have around here what's the street King Street huh Main Street okay she's walking down Main Street she's having a nice day whatever and she's walking walking and she looks over and in the window is the most gorgeous black Mo Hair sweater it's got real pearls here Pearl buttons pearls around the collar fur around here you know uh what's what's better than make what's the other one extraordinary extraordinary there you go so okay so yeah what do they make the strangles at it I'm blinking on that thing no it's not what is it okay I'm forgetting okay I'm not into I'm not a fashionista I don't know but I know okay so anyway let's say it's just mink call or whatever so she says that is coming home with me and she goes in and she said please take that off the mannequin it's mine so please put it on me you know whatever so she comes and she puts the sweater on and she looks at herself in the mirror and she's like oh this is gorgeous this is gorgeous how much is it and the lady says oh it's on sale it's only $4,200 and she carefully unbuttons it and she puts it back and she gives it back to the lady and she's heart sick lady puts it back on the man man uh on the mannequin and every day Violeta is walking back and forth and she sees it there and she's just like heart sick there's my sweater you know so nobody's bought my sweater she keeps walking back and forth one day there's a big sign on the banner and it says for you know a massive closeout sale D so she looks and sure enough the sweater is not on the mannequin so she's kind of heart sick whatever and she goes inside and she's looking all the Recs not there not there finally on the last W rack she looks at of course cuz why would she look further if she found of it anyway okay right so it was in the last place I looked obviously otherwise you wouldn't have kept looking anyway so she looks and she sees it there and she she pulls over the price tag it's on sale for $34 she's like in heaven this is the best day of her life okay marriage with okay so she puts the sweater on she buttons it up she feels like a million dollars she she got what she wanted she H she she's in getting ecstasy okay she walks outside and she's standing in the thing and her friend's coming to pick her up and she's like waiting for the car waiting for the car and she clocks over here there's a lady there who's a homeless lady who's wearing a very a spring summer dress it's the middle of winter and sitting next to her as a little girl wearing a summer dress Shing like this just completely shivering from head to tail Barefoot and Violeta looks at her she looks at her sweater she looks at her she she takes unbuttons the sweater she walks over to the little girl she puts it around her and she puts her arms in whatever and the little girl is looking at her like and she the girl jumps off the bench and she hugs her around the legs like this and tears are streaming down the girl's face and Violet's driver comes friend comes to pick her up and she says goodbye to the girl and she gets in the car the question is the joy of getting or the joy of giving which one's going to sustain her for in her old age that she's going to look back on giving the giving so this is this is put this in your heart because we've been sold to bill of goods and if you can start to think like when you get to see an advertisement they're trying to think I'm going to if I get it I'm going to be happy and really if I give something I'm going to be happy okay we're going to go right into now this is the moment you've all been waiting for here we go we're going to start start with the five things that will bring mashit has okay uh are you available to just hold this for one second okay okay so I like these sticky things because I remember better when it's like in a um uh when it's an easy to remember how do I do this I okay when it's easy to remember thing so what I've done is I remember I told you I had I had all the stuff um uh I had the 220 torus sources for marriage secrets and I made it into five things so the five things area oh can you Philly see can you see that Hana perfect yeah okay good okay fantastic how cute is this okay so um now here's the question I want to ask you everyone knows that we're in mashia right the birth PS of mhia right you didn't need let over time or all the G are saying we in mashiah now da d d I have a question for you if we're in msia if we're in the birth panks of mashiah who would Hashem choose as The Midwives right who's who's he going to choose who's who are The Midwives of bringing mssiah into this world is it the the garbage collector down the street is the guy with tattoos head to cover head to toe he was a football player basketball the pred who who would it's us it's you ladies it's me you you you you you you everyone in Philly We Are The Midwives we were chosen at this time in history Hashem could have made us be born in 1190 or 1832 or any time in history we could have been born we're born here because we have an obligation we're obligated to help bring mashiach okay how are we going to do that and this is you know bringing our hostages home I spoke to R and I said that how do we create peace in the world you know what his answer was peace in the world peace in Gaza peace in the world is starts with peace at home with shom Bas and for people who are singles it's PE you know I said what about single people what do they do you know and he said single people need to bring um uh need to uh make peace everywhere they go so their mother with the the cash register lady behind everywhere they go they need to make peace so Shalom bias is the ior this is what's going to bring M and I will tell you uh a story someone I need a volunteer to just do something with me yeah you sorry you got called is that okay yeah okay so thank you for volunteering okay now you don't want to you want to me to take care it's just a second okay here I want to Endor her okay good um she's she's married by one of my son's best friends Okay so um but but you can hold this okay all right so just put your heads like there okay so here's what happened is um I was I was to teach a so rebit and tety oh they can't see me back here oh sorry guys I Disappeared can you step I'm making everybody stop torturing everybody um is that okay you can hear you can see me now now yes yeah sorry about that I forgot about you oops don't tell anybody okay um so um what happened is I I was to teach a a um a sheer in reiton Shalom so reiton is r shom's r schu's wife um and she was nifter about a year and a half ago but she was my adviser my closest anyway so she asked me to teach a year in his house I'm like no problem easy no problem anyway whatever so I told her I wanted to teach about our my mission first I want to teach a half an hour of shom Bas you know giving over some sources and things then I want to teach a half an hour about my mission said fine and then now if you can come step here you're sweet thank you sorry I kind of volunteer you got you got roped into this so what happened is I'm leaving the place and she take you can you hold this up to my mouth okay I'm leaving the place I want these people over here to be able to see and she comes up to me and she T she T my hands are I put my hands out she put my hands like this and she put her hands like this and she looked me in the eye and she said Leia you do realize that your work for shom bayas is going to bring masiah and I said oh that's sweet she says no no no you don't understand I mean it your work for Shalom bias is going to bring mashia Al amen okay so this is the Gula this is what we're going to do to create the Gula if you go home tonight and you work on any aspect of Shalom bayas you don't interrupt your husband you you know set his table setting first you welcome him you you uh don't argue with him whatever one thing you do that's bringing Messiah okay let's start with it first one which is grateful am I going to do this okay um so the first one these are the five qualities to focus on to bring mhia so Rao gives over that Alla comes from shmay through our husband and to us all braa comes from our husbands through sorry from Hashem through our husbands and to us so here's the problem for the last 50 60 70 years women have been taught to you know that that their um uh with this whole equality thing that what does their husband have to do with it and here's what you have to know and this is I I checked this with user wise cuz I was shocked and that is there is no there is nothing in your house that does not come from your husband's brother so those beautiful earrings that you're wearing okay and your shle and your lovely tile and your glasses everything you own everything you have everything your kid is doing well in school you got into the school you got the house you can you got everything in your life every single braa without exception is from your husband this is very Politically Incorrect I'm surprised everyone's not walking out so I really appreciate you not walking out um everything now I went to Rasha West I said uh excuse me he's from he's a God from from ER and I said to him I said excuse me like a woman wakes up she davens she you know brings food to the sick lady down the street street she uh ends up you know cleaning the house for somebody else because they're not well she all day long she's doing Mitzvah you're telling me she's not bringing BR into her home with a H with this you know what his answer was no she's not it's all the braa all the the the Merit for those bras goes up to shmay it sits there waiting and the only way it can come into her home is through her husband now what don't tell them don't tell them that we're precisely going to tell them well no we're not going to tell them that but I'll tell you I'll tell I'll tell you where how powerful this is the the first time you hear this it's bad news cuz like what that's yeah like really I owe him thank thank you for what he's done like what what here's the beauty of it though the way it works and this is Riva in in Los Angeles he said the way it works is the here's here's sh with all this BR okay it comes from to the husband the husband's like this Hashem gives brothera to the husband the husband goes like this and gives it to the wife if she is grateful that's what we're working on right now if she's grateful to him and thanks him it empties the bucket he turns around gets more from Hashem turns around gives it to her if she isn't grateful it stays and then Hashem tries to give him braa and he can't receive it you follow that is the spiritual reality of the world and here's the thing you can roll your eyes right now and then you're going to go home and you're going to thank your husband 10 times more than you currently are doing and all of a sudden the dishwasher which hasn't worked for 2 years is going to start working and the car that you've been nagging to get a new one get a new one new one you're the one a next door neighbor saying I've got to move to ER tomorrow can you have my car I know it's $25,000 but if you give me 3,000 I'm great I'm good with it you know I'm telling you right now if you learn nothing else in this year but understand that all Braha comes from your husband and that now gives you access to more braa in your life it gives you that access so yeah I always thought it was the woman okay so there is a gamara very good I cover that marriage Secrets I go through the whole thing because it's I get this exact thing which is that the the question was that um I thought I always thought it was the woman who bring the braa so the answer is it doesn't contradict the First Kamar the woman holds the Bara but she can't she cannot bring it down from shamayim into the home so it the amount of braa that is in the house is dependent on the size of receiver she is I'm just a receiver teacher that's what I am I spend my days you know full-time volunteer I spend my days teaching women to receive because the more look if you could receive this much right a hollow B size right that's how much baa you'll get if you're a bathtub size receiver you could receive a lot more that's fantastic could you be a swimming pool could you become an ocean is it Beyond hashem's capability to fill your home with so much overflowing braa that's be that that's not Beyond hashem's capacity and it's all dependent on your ability to appreciate understand that all braa comes from your husband so it's it's a very good question but it doesn't it doesn't uh contradict the first one which is you want to grow yourself into the biggest receiver possible I have a lot of examples I'm just going to give you a few your husband says I love your outfit and you're like fish M that's called not receiving his graa okay your husband says you know uh you know can I can I do something for you and you're like no no I'm good I'm good I'm good you know no that is not receiving his BR the answer is oh thanks yeah oh thanks look how he set the table my God the FKS thank you thank it's so nice of you like that so it's receiving his BR whatever he's giving here here people say me you know really seriously when's the men's class right when's the men's class if a woman is a the the main if I was standing on foot and errands right I do yog guys should really be able to do this but anyway if I was in errands and you asked me what's our Mur for shalas said say the husband is the giver the wife is the receiver that's a we have many many sources that discuss this in great great detail but what it means what it means practically for you is to actually receive to not you know stop him from giving okay that's grateful okay and and the the um uh saying the the the take-home message is to say thank you more 10 times more than you're doing now I just want to tell you a story I had a woman who had her husband had um she had two jobs took care of the kids did all the grocery shopping whatever and her husband pretended to look for a job on the couch okay that was their life right and when she got this shift she thanked him for anything that like she came home with the grocery said oh I'm so glad I have a home to come to bring the food she paid for the you know everything whatever but her shifting her own no matter how awkward the whole uh you know whatever's going on in the logistics of their life is when she understood and she hopped that he is the source of all Braha and she shifted her attitude he himself I mean this is a true story I I don't know how it end ended up but about four months later I get an email from her saying my husband looked for a job for two years and he just got a fantastic job and she said and and she said I um attribute it she she said attribute it to Le it's not me it's Mur but but she and I emailed her back and I said you did that don't say I did that you did that because she shifted yeah go ahead can you say it very loud was AIS other opinions as well like what about Russ right okay that that is true but what I'm going to ask you to to do is suspend the cerebral side of you that is going to want to fight this because when you when you fight it you have no you have no ability to have a uh impact on this Dynamic and I guarantee you like I promise you promise you can hold me to you can email me in 3 months or 6 months say Leia I did what you said and it didn't work I would want to hear that never happened before in 30 years I promise you if you take if you uh if you take this on as a reality that your husband is the giver and the wife is the re there are many more soures actually there's 220 in marriage Secrets uh of all and actually in 21 days to an aome marriage they're all listed there most of them are listed in the end of of the sources of shalomay what I'm trying to do is that anyone any one of you could have done this you could have gone through every safery and T picked out every source of Shalom bias look what do we do we need to get the the Shalom bias Mur back in everybody's hands so I took all these 20 220 and I'm an economist by trade so then I said okay these ones go in this chapter this one goes and made it so it's easy to understand and easy to read okay the sources themselves are evoled and you'll you'll see them so is a good question right right now I I don't have to I can have a whole big discussion and if you want to do info@ ladies talk show.com and you know whatever but right now I want to get through the material okay let's go to the next one empowering okay so women in this planet Earth have been sold a bill of good that we need oh can you see me sorry Philly uh that we need control that you know the the guys that the the CEO or the CFO or Steve Jobs or whatever the biggest thing that they have is that for them is that they've got control of their people as wives we want to be control of our staff control of our kids control of our husband control of our household women need something far more than control which is closeness and connection way more important closeness and connection and we are so Focus shifted oh we can we can like stand on one foot and we can have a she in the afternoon and the next day Pro do a bris for somebody and have you know people come and then medically help somebody and then drive someone to the hospital and you know whatever we are we are amazing and we do a lot of control in our lives which is great when it comes to a husband you have to remember a husband needs control more than anything in the world he needs to feel like he's in control of his home if he doesn't have that he's a lesser man there's less of him he's he's not he it's not going to fulfill his Schamus his potential in this world so it's very very crucial to understand that we have been sold that we need control and what we need is closeness and if you give up control and I'm going to show you a couple of examples on how to do that if you give up control your husband will be the man that you can look up to and you know treat him like a king it's easier when you give up control he'll feel more like a king so one of my students actually was a physician she came to my six we course and she she said that she had really bad um shoulder attension like so like in her in her shoulders so badly that she had to sleep on a a a recliner most nights because she just couldn't on her pillow and this and that she'd been to acupuncture and and what else physiatry physical terapy physical therapy and this doctor and that she had shots and this so everything to time take the pain out okay so fine so she's in my class and I tell her about this control about giving up control and not controlling her husband and right she said that she just let go she just stop stopped like okay he set the table wrong she can take the knife that's on the wrong side and put it to the right side if she wanted to you know but her micromanaging of him is what was causing she came to the next class and she said it was the first solid week she' had in s years of sleeping in her bed instead of on the recliner so I'm just telling you there's something about losing control even though it looks like we're losing and we're not gaining anything there's a level of stress relief when you just look there's some things you can't let go of you know you you you don't want your kid put in this class because there's bullies there and whatever and you feel so strongly about it so you know what give him give him control on every other thing and when it comes to the school he'll say what do you think dear cuz in all the rest of you life you're giving him control the control that he desperately needs okay very good okay now I want to go to the next one this is understanding yeah so it's not supposed to be a compromise not supposed to be so is it not is it not supposed to be a compromised so the source the gamorra talks about how if a woman Len um listens to the will of her husband he will treat her like a queen and he will bend his ear to her RAB Rabbi Baba B bua whatever I'm not so great in the things but I think that one's accurate um I when they're right in front of me I'm good when they're not I'm not so uh that he will bend his ear to her to listen to her when she is when she's listening to him and following his will and oh and what do you think and is it possible if we do this and what you know she's like that he will do everything to listen to her and compromise and do whatever if she is like no no no it needs to be this way it needs this way that needs to be this the kid needs that this du like that if she's doing doing that he he won't listen to her and he will fight for control and then a woman who comes to me she says my husband's so controlling he like well you know the more the less control he has the more controlling he will become now you have to know there are uh mental health issues about control and if you think that you fall into that category please I beg you from the bottom of my heart we're all everyone in the room is supporting you and getting the help that you need you need to go see somebody and talk about that you know if he doesn't let you out the house or he doesn't let you spend money or he checks your phone all the time you know there is there is a mental health issue which you know I I don't know maybe is a half a percent or 1% but for the most part women today are controlling because they think that's how they should be to be gik to be on it and they don't realize how much they are tearing their husband down it's a very good question okay this next one if I were to get what are those big fat notebooks you know the the big ones with the five five star yeah exactly the five star Okay so I took five store notebooks and we of course we get pink ones or purple or lavend whatever right we hand everybody these big fat pink notebooks so we say okay everybody write down what you want from your husband write everything down you go like everything everything write it all down you'd be like okay um I want him to get me a new Shel I want to go your trip to the Bahamas I want him to stop putting me down in front of my mother-in-law I want him to sit for hours with the kids and and teach them and play games with them so I can have a nap on sh this afternoon you you'd write you'd write you write and after about 20 minutes you come up and say um excuse me U Mrs richmer can I get another notebook okay now if I right if I can you have your index card can I borrow one just for a second I'll I'll just I'll kind of hide it a little bit okay if I were to hand you an index card a little index card like this right can you see it in Philly a little index card don't read the writing it's first okay um so if I were to give you a little index card and I were to say write down what you need you'd say um um can I do it later I I'll do can I do it for homework and you'd run out of the room you'd momas you'd run out of the room so here's the question a lot of women come up to me and they say Leia my husband just doesn't meet my needs he just doesn't meet my needs it's so painful and I say to them do you know what your pay what your needs are oh I guess not how do we expect our husband to know what our needs are if we ourselves don't really know what our needs are we end up treating our husband like a vending machine like I want this I need this I want that why didn't you do this you know and when a woman can narrow down and the what she really really needs and get the wants just kind of float away so one of the examples that is let me just try and think of what the best one to give hold on a second um oh okay yeah yeah okay I had a student whose husband um who was very important to her to get flowers every shabas ER chabas you know she and her husband was you know she drove her husband crazy it's like he came home he hi hi honey uh uh and he would turn around to go back out and go shopping for the flowers cuz he forgot again and it was this point of contention in their marriage because she wanted those flowers so badly and he kept it was very hard for him he had to he was a a commuter whatever anyway when she did this exercise she realized that the reason that she wanted flowers every week is cuz all of her sister-in-laws got them but what she really that was a want that was a blatant want what she really needed is she actually had a panic disorder or an anxiety an anxiety what is it borrowed needs borrowed needs sister almost oh so yeah right exactly she wanted it it was borrowed me from she took the example from them instead of her own jeal jealous what did you say she jealous she's jealous right exactly but it was a want but what she really needed she had a panic disorder and so she would tell her husb hband when I get an anxiety and she had like these little mini anxiety attacks like every other month or something like that when she had them she would call him and he say are you I'm in the middle of work are you you know I'm right in the middle of talking you know I I can't drop everything for you when you have you know I'm sorry I love you and I want to be supportive but I'm in the middle of work so she went to him because she did her needs I'm going to tell you the exercise in a minute she went to him and she said I'll tell you what I I'm I what I need more than flowers I will give up flowers forever but when I am having a panic attack I want you to be able to drop everything and be on the phone I don't care whether you're in the middle of a big real estate deal or you're in the middle of you know whatever you're in the middle of that you drop it for me he said that's it and then I don't have to do flowers anymore and she said yeah do deal so she got her true deep needs met and she Dre this so here's the exercise you actually do take a journal or a notebook and you write down everything you want everything you need you put them all on one you know it takes about 45 minutes to you know writing writing writing all the things then you go back and you cross out you know what I don't need the trip to Bahamas and I just got a sh to last PES I'm good I'm okay but him putting me down in front of my mother-in-law yeah Circle that one and you Circle about five or 10 things then you prioritize them and then you take the top three and those are your deep genuine needs I've done this with thousands of women I can tell you right now once you've done that the things that your burning wants if you if a woman gets three of her needs met she's she's good you know what I mean that's it that's it you need you know maybe you'll he'll get down to four or whatever but the first top three things and all of the other wants try and write them off and just let them go okay everyone Philly you with me and Philly yeah hello you still there here we're here yeah we're here good okay that's a hard exercise very very potent very valuable okay let's go to the next one loyal okay we got two more and then we're going to take questions and also there's a beige form everybody has beige form they have beige forms in Philly yeah yes yes okay fine fine okay good CU and in Philly you have to know I'm I'm counting on at least five of you in Philly or how I don't know how many are there but a bunch of you at least five to 10 of you right now think about becoming a coach we clausel desperately desperately needs shom Bas teachers I will I guarantee you it will be the best class course you've ever taken in your life I guarantee if you talk to my other coach maybe I should have bring so I have a few of them here but you know to tell how awesome it is so you you um those beige forms everyone's turning them in and hopefully everyone checking off number two to become a coach we need coaches we're desperate for coaches and um okay let's start with loyalty okay I'm going to actually start with a quiz so loyalty makes our husband trust us and feel safe with us loyalty endear you to your husband like nothing else you do so who who wants to take a quick quiz you do you mind yeah okay right you could stay there but just talk loud okay here's the quiz your husband is a terrible driver like terrible driver okay he doesn't break at the right time he doesn't stop now as bad of a driver he is he's a worse Parker okay so he's parking and his he's had his mirror clipped like five times just cuz he's parked in this way and he's parked that way and it's always like three feet you have to take a bus from his car to get to the sidewalk okay so he's got he's a terrible Parker you come home one day somebody's taking their finger on his back window and they've etched in and they said learn to park you idiot what do you do you take a picture and send it to the family chat yeah you stole my line what you I want to say that I would it all make but I probably wouldn't probably would take a [Laughter] picture anybody else have a what you say call call your mom and tell her there yeah I think I would just leave it there for him to see cuz it's not coming from me it's coming from someone else leave it there for him to see cuz it's not coming from her it's coming from someone else okay very good what up yeah I think I like right o like send a picture and tell my husband I like I'm like just show show him that like I'm not the only one who thinks you okay so like you know how sometimes as a mother you can say something critical to your children but if someone else does it you'll be very angry right so I would be upset that someone could do that oh did you hear that she would she would be she said you know when if you could say something bad about your kid but if somebody else said something bad to your kid it you'd be mad at them and so she said she would be mad that someone did that to her husband anybody else so here's anyone in Philly she' was it off you'd wash it off yeah if he's not a safe driver he might need driving lessons I'm sorry what's it going on in Philly say talk really loud it off she'd wipe it off good Sarah raisel go go good good on you that's what that's the answer so here's the thing it's not only loyalty is not only wiping it off but it's never ever telling him out right never telling him sorry what if it's a safety concern what if it's a safety concern Hashem will take care of you for bringing Shon Bas into your home please God so yes what if he would find it funny what if he would find it funny yeah he might outward but like he's not sensitive he's not sensitive like that would just be like so funny but but you let's say you've been nagging him for 10 years about it if it would yeah okay I'm going to give another quiz who wants to take a quiz who who on this side over here okay yeah good okay your quiz ready here here's the scenario your husband loves to eat and he love and he chews with his mouth open okay he's chews with his mouth okay so and you've been bugging him you've been on his case you've been like please you know I I can see your tonsils what are you doing so you've been T you've been honest case about this for 10 years you're at the you're at J table okay and over here are your parents over there his parents there aunts and uncles and cousins everybody sitting there and right across from your husband is your auntie and she looks at him and she says that is disgusting would you close your mouth that is disgusting what would you do I'll be I I'll be embarrassed for my husband so I'll be like no I don't I wouldn't know what to say you'd feel embarrassed whatever does anyone else what what what would anyone else do such a situation it's like social pressure and then it's like you know he's wrong like what social pressure and you know he's wrong aunt is right but you feel embarrassed in front of your family and just like oh they and you can't put him down and you can't put him down yeah no you can't put him down exactly so I'm going to tell you what loyal the loyal thing to do the loyal thing the got got ladies we're we're giving these extreme examples so that you will recognize listen listen loyalty is gone from the world like if you're you have a boss and he's been good to you for 10 years not you plony he's been good to plany for 10 years and then he takes a stand on something you know that he feels the company's doing wrong and you say byebye good luck in the old days you'd be loyal you'd go down with ship that today loyalty is a lost art and our husbands are suffering because of it the only way they feel safe is if they feel their wife is loyal to them so the answer for this chewing you would say oh auntie I I asked him please chew many many times I'm afraid he's going to choke so I told him please CH let me see you [Laughter] chew what you he's not a baby because they don't like when you're telling what to do that's right so the loyalty is to zip your lip the loyalty is to take duct tape as you're saying just zip your lip loyalty is be let let make sure your husband knows he's you've got his back in every situation I'm going to give you some examples of loyalty and disloyalty disloyalty your daughter says daddy still hasn't fits the light bulb in my closet so disloyalty yeah and he hasn't fixed the front door handle either that's disloyal okay loyal would be you know barem he works so hard for us and is tired at night loyal this loyal okay disloyal my husband the your co-worker says my husband leaves bags of chips all over the couch and you're disloyal comment would be my husband leaves half eaten food on the counter whatever loyalty was she gives that that comment and you say oh that must be frustrating you've also not only have you been loyal to your husband you've Also let her know you're not an address for L andara about your spouses okay next one your mother says your husband really should help you get the kids to bed and disloyal would be I know and I also wish he'd help more in the kitchen that's disloyal loyal would be mom please don't put my husband down say who showing loyalty praise your husband to your kids constantly you cannot overdo it you know I had I had um wait is there something from from Philly you have a question in Philly hello they're all fighting what there's a bro it's silly what's going on guys question I hear everybody talking at once yeah oh hold on she's asking sorry what are you asking me a question okay we're technical difficulty okay go ahead Sor you said mother was um say that oh your husband should help you can I say like I he's able to help but he like he's willing to help with through babysits or whatever or like yeah good something but like back act like your husband is standing there your mother just said this thing and act like your husband's there what would you say if your husband was standing there like yeah Ma you're right he's a jerk you know you you would loyalty would be okay what would I if he was standing right here and say m you know I really don't you look it's not it's not that he'll hear people like oh wait he he he wouldn't hear he wouldn't know if your cooworker said it what is what's the difference you know you know you know you're being loyal you know you've got us back and there's a side benefit to this besides that your husband will cleave to you and want to be with you and and it's the for in spiritual realm this is a you know it's actual logistic thing you're doing but it's also shifts the spiritual world but your husband will cleave to you in a way that you may not have felt th are in your marriage the more loyal you are the more he will cleave to you okay and again this isn't Leia Richer's great idea this Isel yeah I'm with you I hear you what we're having audio you're having audio difficulties can you talk louder or can they where's Robbie huh yeah Robbie can you raise the volume or something okay sorry tell Robbie there's volume problems hi Robbie sorry okay um they're having volume issues with the Philly okay I'm sure it's your fault sorry okay you should block your ears I'm telling them some Secrets right now okay showing loyalty he's going to listen to Kid but praise your husband to your kids constantly you can't overdo it defend your husband if anyone ever says anything negative about him never raise your voice to your husband so I just want want to touch on that for a second because um it's really really critical that especially if you grew up in a household where screaming at the top of your lungs was like the daily activity okay there's nothing that makes a home feel less safe than yelling it's very very hard if you grw up in a house of yelling not to yell and the problem with yelling is that it's so effective right clean up your room no right clean up your room enough is enough clean it up it's a disaster CLE so guess what the kids clean it up so the shortterm go goal of getting the room cleaned up is achieved but your long-term goal of being close to your children in their teenage years in their when they turn 21 and are they're deciding whether to move near you or go to the other side of the planet whether you're want your children to be taken care of you in your old age so when you start to yell think about being a you know on a cane and who's going to be there for you because yelling creates a lack of closeness this is with your children it's with your husband especially if you have to yell at your children and if you have to choose yelling at your husband or yelling at your children yell at your children hopefully you'll learn learn not to yell at them either but yelling at your husband takes away a level of uh of closeness of loyalty is very very important if you want to work on this you can find articles on it you can ask friends you can ask a REITs and you can find books on how to not yell anymore it's it's very crucial I know I spent a little bit of time on it because it's so important not to yell um and make the home feels safe okay yes how do you control that like yeah how you control that I'm talking I'm yelling is a gavalda question she her question was how do you control that natural he thinks I'm yelling at him but I'm not you we who's no you don't have to raise your hand but anyway been there I've heard other people have this issue so no so the issue is when a person understands the the um uh cost benefit analysis you know what I mean the way the I'm just going to take this little bit of a side side a trip here down the muser movement with rev salant and rev salant it talks about you using first you think things through right and then it goes into your fingers then it goes into your actions so there funny squeaky here sorry I'm squeaking I sound like a no the floor is making funny noise okay um I don't get too distracted often anyway anyway so the the um uh it's it's cerebrally if you think of something and you have an Insight this is why insights are so powerful but insights like right now I'm hoping please God you all are getting insights into our sholom bias Mur here tonight what makes an insight into internal growth to a basala to grow is action so first you have the cerebral understanding or the inspiration or the insight into something and then once you have that then you can put into action so just having the shift in your thinking and understanding oh you know what the long-term you think the long the the ramification of you yelling is he's upset for the moment or maybe he actually will you know he said he' take out the trash and he didn't you said please you said you take out the trash and so then he does but you've said it in an unpleasant way you think oh that was effective if you realize while the words are coming out of your mouth that you're causing distance in the relationship your actions will change almost by themselves and this isn't this is re I think it's it's either or who gives that down so should get Ben you with and and you should be able to do this to do it but you'll see it becomes much easier when you understand what the longterm ramifications are okay okay let's go to the next one attentive okay so I'm not actually was going to take a quiz but I'm not going to um because it's too mean which is that how many of you your husband comes home and you say how are you doing fine what how's your office meeting that you had with your boss good anything new no right that's how that's the conversation and then you proceed with a woman proceeds to spend the next hour telling him and did this and then and you wouldn't believe my car and it didn't go right okay so what I'm here to let you know is the way to your husband heart is listening listening to him and the only way he's going to talk is if you ask questions so get a journal and say oh you know why did you choose that camp you told me about why did you how come you went why did you go into learning how come you didn't your father wanted you to be an accountant why did you do that um um you you know how come you uh always wear that brand of hats you know everyone else in the show wears the other ones and you you know whatever who knows write down and write down question after question after question to have to bring him out now I've got two warnings for you one is it'll take some doing to try and get him to talk right but then when he does talk and you're listening he is going to probably talk for three months straight without stopping because he's got 10 years worth of backed up things that he needs to tell you so I just I'm telling you that but I want to tell you I had a student is a true story and and um the homework she was she was in my six week class uh that I used to give and she the between this week two or week three something like that they had to go home the homework for that week was to listen to your husband talk for 15 minutes ask him questions and let him talk for five for 15 minutes um and it was the class was Tuesday night and this was Monday night and she's like I'm not doing the homework I think it's stupid I'm not doing it and that's final then she says just my luck I'll come in tomorrow and lay will call on me I better do the stupid homework okay so fine so she goes and she sees her husband now keep in mind she had like 10 emails to return she had a call from the principal she had to return she had a you know dishes piled up to he you know uh and she was busy busy busy she said I'm going to do the homework and she was for 15 minutes she went and she sat next to her husband and she started asking him questions about his work he was an accountant and he told her every detail of their office politics for an hour and 15 minutes and she said it was so boring she had to bite the inside of her cheat to try and stay awake okay and she's there and she's listening to all these things in their inventory and July and they're changing it to June and the the what she like you know whatever she was going going to plots okay she stands up she walks away and she was so so upset because she was like this is a total fail really really a waste of time she went into the kitchen and do you have Costco around here you Costco yeah okay so they had gone to Costco and they she had four cases of water bottles that were sitting by the counter she walked into the kitchen and she had been nagging him for literally for 2 weeks to get rid of the bottles she walked into the kitchen the bottles were taken out in the garage okay he had taken them out not only this it this is a true story lady true story she walked into the bathroom he had changed the toilet paper roll it's true story it's a true story the bottom line the take-home message of this listen to your husband 10 times more than you currently are listening to him okay I want to give you one last thing take-home message this is communication I just I cover communication very very deeply in uh marriage Secrets um and again in 21 days but it's very very detailed in marriage secrets and the there's three things to remember that h o t you know I like these initials H is how to say it okay that's singly most important how are you're going to say it and plan instead of saying In the Heat of the Moment you never no say okay I when when when I'm going to talk to him before a preemptive conversation I'm going to have a conversation with him about the fact I'm done going to his in-laws for for PES you know or I want you know whatever instead of yelling about it and whatever how am I going to convince I'm say you know it's pretty hard for me maybe we can go every other year maybe whatever you think about it before how you say it makes all the difference into in communicating for results the next thing is O outcome h o o is outcome the outcome you're trying to achieve so you may think that the outcome of you know um uh is is um uh getting getting your husband to do it your way to buy the car you want to get you know but if you think okay what's the outcome I'm looking for closeness to my husband if I fight with him about this is that going to really you know achieve anything you know he wants to buy the Prius and I want to buy the escort or vice versa whatever mine is smarter and I did a Google research and you know how do I give this over what's the outcome I want and the outcome you want is shom you know or the outcome you want is for him to understand what you're feeling or the outcome is you want him to understand the longterm ramifications of something Plan before you speak and T is timing and we all know that timing is crucial to when you know if you trying to do things and solve things in the middle of a crisis ain't going to happen you know it's it's it's you're not going to come to a good resolution so that is T So Okay so let's go over the the GAA to bring GAA is grateful empowering understanding loyal and attentive what we're going to do so first of all thank you very much now you know standing on one foot you can say oh it's Gula and you remember the things and then you'll know if someone stops you in erands Market or whatever you'll know the answer and wherever the merret is in Philly you'll know the answer to what is our Shalom Bas Mur and uh for those of you you who are even smidge smidge considering taking the coaching program check number two on your beige form check the number two we'll get back to you we'll give you all the information you need I promise you the did did do you guys want to wait where's one of my coaches where's one you want to just stand and say one sentence definitely on my husband like you're a good wife but you're like I see a difference I see a difference so even if you think you're good it's going to be better and if if you need help it's you're going to grow so it's amazing yeah great thank you very much sweetheart good she's have you taken your exam yet your or yeah okay okay good they got their exams week they written in an oral exam whatever but most people pass CU we trained you really really well so even if you're even slightly thinking CL just think about the GAA think about what you can do if you become a coach and you can teach I will teach you but Point by point the Mur of shalom bayas so you can help us and this create a wave in clel and Philly also a wave in clel where people say this is our AED this is the most important thing we're working on is getting Shalon bias into clel back to clel yes for six months it's six months once a week and it has to be like it's not something that I can listen to on my own time right so H there is we're opening up an optional with this cuz we tried someone last okay so it's basically it's 6 hours a week it's 2 hours in person with me is in V Zoom I don't know if that's in person we'll call that in person because all over the world everybody's there so we got five continents last in our last cohort so everyone's there two hours with me Q&A question going through exercises whatever I'm giving it over and teaching it two hours with your ta we are the most we're like it's really a PhD program we have supervisors who work with you one-on-one and in groups you you broken into like let's say there's 30 people in the cohort then you go into a group of seven or something like that with your ta and you do practice coaching so I'd say you know I'd learn how to say oh uh thank you for coming today really appreciate what is your issue with your husband and you know and then you tell it to me and they think oh here are the six areas that Leia taught me that I go this pathway or that pathway you it's like it's it's really it's a believable uh powerful program it's yes it's it's five it's 8: to 10: p.m. on Wednesday nights and the what is that good that's bad work in the Wednesday night oh vote can you switch with the Thursday night for F or I mean in other words switch the or switch your Wednesday night switch it with Tuesday tell them pay them money say I'll do anything to switch because I want to be I want to help krel it's so crucial so that's two hours of the supervisor and then it's two hours of self-study and one hour is reading and one hour is watching a video which is a lab of me coaching someone and you learn how to like what it looks like and it's it's yeah it's galic and it's it's it's about 6 months for the training but it I don't want to graduate somebody who feels feels um uncomfortable or not confident in knowing the material yeah the course okay I'm gonna I'm not positive I think there's some kind of special that the I have 18 staff members you know I'm the only volunteer they I pay everybody else um and the staff members um I think it's it's somewhere around $1,800 or $2,000 it just so you know it costs us $5,200 to train you we pay the extra $3,000 that's how much we're committed in other words that's how committed we are to train clel is there a payment PL there is definite payment plans it's a six-month plan it starts May 15 May 15 after PES it starts but I think registration is right now on Zoom the comfort of home yes on Zoom from the comfort of your own home and yeah the retreat is also on Zoom but I will tell you who just went to the retreat who which of my coaches who oh the I can't see them anyway whatever okay so there is an in-person Retreat we did that it's goal it's like you don't want to miss that but if you can't do it then you can do it on Zoom The Retreat there were PE participants but the people who actually went and met the other cohort were loving it yeah go ahead you can't do it in May is there other times if you can't do it in May 15th is there other times hopefully we'll after the May hopefully hopefully there's no guarantees we don't know it depends we've got 18 staff we're trying to juggle and move around and and figure out so there no no guarantees of it we hope we hope so but we I I can't I can't promise do whatever you can to get into the earlier one yeah if they're not in the United States oh yeah so I have actually I have a dozen uh if you look on that Map There's a dozen uh thank you so much for coming be well oh wait come take a prize ah you know what maybe carry this to the back so people don't feel bad um uh yeah and also do the game 21 everybody we try and spread the word can you and someone else carry this thing back so as oh thank you very smart um what was the last question that was just asked oh uh if you can do so in Israel um so we are opening up what happened is the we really we really want New Yorkers we want East Coasters we need to make a bigger impact we have we have 21 in Israel we have a dozen in um uh the E uh the West Coast we want that's I do this tour in New York we want New Yorkers so that's why we're doing it 8 to 10 we have a lot in um Israel and they can watch the video on their own of me and then do the TA time what that's convenient for them and we are doing an alternate thing just check off number two and all the details will be sent to you the the index cards okay so I'll take questions now if people want um uh yeah let me just see um yeah okay so everybody hand can I have some people do you mind to help collect the the white the beige papers okay so I'm going to do a couple of questions you got the yeah just keep getting okay good okay um do do that uh more questions index cards on questions my husband um snores I sometimes wake up so I can't sleep what should I do put an earplug so uh oh that lady's collecting them right there thank you so my husband snores what can I do um it's so funny to think I'm a medical director thank you um so uh actually there there are many many things to do for snoring I'll tell you that this is kind of like and then we'll get into the real meaty uh things is that um uh there's earplugs there's a bridge you wear in your mouth that holds the GU mouth like this right which makes him stop snoring there's a tennis a thing you strap on his back and it's a oh do you mind giving it to right there okay there's thank you how do you convince him to do it okay I'll explain that that's a good idea there there's a tennis ball you wear on the on he wears on his back he straps it on over his shoulders so he can't lie on his back cuz that's when the snoring starts usually because the trachea does the whatever who's a doctor I don't know whatever anyway so there's a lot of tricks if you Google it how to stop snoring how do you get him to do it is you tell him that um uh you um you record him you record him and show him what yeah so do you Philly do you are are you guys getting your questions sent in Hana where's Hana can you tell Hana she needs to come ask the questions from um so uh what was the answer what was the answer to to tape him to record him so to get him to do it is just going heart to heart you know it's very funny I the strange thing is I ask women uh they tell me their problem and I say what does your husband say about that and like oh I never mentioned it to my husband it's sad it's sad don't this is this is he's your soulmate thank you he's your soulmate so do whatever you possibly can is can you put on index um I just want to know what the video series is that you get for free what is the oh the video oh it's 21 days to an awesome marriage it's five uh 5 minutes every day for 21 days it's like people say it's just uh inspiring it gives you it's yeah huh you what you do is you give out 21 of those things right once you do you send info at ladies talk show and you say I did the 21 and then we'll send it to you for free and then you watch it every day on like Zoom or on on any you know you can watch it on our website I think that's how it's I'm Vimeo I don't know I I have a staff of 18 they do all of the technical thing I just teach you know isn't that being critical though to say you snore it really bothers me very good question did you hear this you are a shill I didn't tell you to say to ask that question you just naturally yeah that's great so that's coach coach material who who volunteers here as a coach we yeah good okay good okay we're you're in sorry um so the um uh isn't it critical to say that you know hey you're snoring and it's bothering me it is a little but here's the thing if you are telling your husband and you're like oh you know sweetie pie you know uh you're complimenting him you're thanking him you're being loyal to him and you're doing all the other aspects of a uh of a Torah based Shalom bias wife you're doing as much as you can and you're growing in it you're getting better once you start on this path it's like addicting because you see how awesome it is with your how great the marriage becomes when you start doing the voters so you do this this this this then when it comes to saying oh what you know what are we going to do about the snoring would I want to be with you it's like I have to go in the other room I have to move next door what are we going to do sweetie pie you know he'll he'll Bend his ear to you i'lli i'lli okay let's go into the next question okay you can keep um uh sending in questions if you have okay Philly did you get did Philly see what the book she want to know what can you ask her to give you the Philly questions okay U you said husband is the source of all BR in the family what about a husband who acts depressed and is usually complaining how much he hates his life a and wishes he were not part of the family does braa still come down in this case h and how so first of all whoever's this is um I give you a braa that you should have a Yeshua in this and that he should have an Aaliyah right away and I just have to tell you that um uh unfortunately even in such a situation I don't know that there's a heter that the braa comes from somewhere else so what it means is that uh you know um there is always something a wife can do I don't know what it is in your case I mean we do have a a coach hotline whatever you can call a coach and speak with him the first session is free you could do that um cuz they know the Mur or you could speak with a therapist or you could speak with the Ritson about how to handle this but I will tell you one thing there is always something a wife can do so whether that is you know he's depressed and whatever to do some research on depressive medications what would be good what would what works what doesn't work what are the you know you could do that you could you could speak with your uh therapist rabbitson somebody in you know that you look up to and find out what are different things that other people have done you you're not the first one you're not the only one you're not the first one you know other people are dealing with a depressed husband what do they do oh this one started a play group in her house and you know when she had puppies she brought puppies in every day and that just lifted her husband out of the depression I don't know I'm making stuff up but I'm just saying that use your creativity use your beanie aera to figure out what kinds of things is it hard yes sometimes it's torturously hard I get it but there is the one thing one thing that we know from our Shel andas Mur that is probably the single most impactful thing to me personally is that it gives women hope so when a woman loses their hope and she just feel like you know what am I dealing with what do what do I have here you know that is the saddest thing in the world and if a woman has a feeling that there's something she can do not only does it give her hope back but then she starts to think okay what how do I brainstorm this how what can I do so I I give you a braa that you should um that it should you should have a Yeshua in this okay fine that's okay oh advice for when the husband disagrees with a RV very very um a crucial very good question Philly what it would do when the husband disagrees with a r so obviously the RV is wrong no joking joking that was a joke okay so um the uh if he's disagreeing about everything that is going on then it's an issue of you know what you know what's the first thing we teach a child right what first of all what's the most important sentence that we say in clel that we say to everybody before you die you say it you say it every night Shel right but that's not what the first thing we teach a child the first thing you teach a child when they can speak is to so wait a minute why wouldn't you teach them the shma right because a yid follow follows a RV anything other than that it's not yish kite it's not Jewish and um it's a big problem in today's world by the way uh I've lots of pro L lots of certain generation whatever it's very very big problem you're not alone in this that your husband isn't following a lot RV or doesn't want to follow the RV or think he thinks he knows better than the RV it's it's it's a it's a it's a big problem um and uh it is a question you need to bring to a rub probably not your husband's rub because why we learned about what word did we learn loyalty right to go to his rub behind his back but you can go to another town or another Community or a friend's RV in another town or whatever and talk to them about this issue um and find out what is the source of him not listening to his R if his RV told him something that either he found Hally to be not true or his RV made a mistake or his RV told him something emot Ally to do and he can't do it and he feels bad about it and he's holding the rub at a distance because of that you know you have to do a little bit of homework to find out but the the only the the first thing to do would probably get advice from a RV but it's just not his RV kak VOD good question okay um control letting go of control how to do that if husband constantly asks you for everything especially in decision making even when I encourage him to Mo to move make oh to make the decisions he won't do it the feels the pressure just to make the decisions so okay so there's some husbands that you know uh this is a challenge for them and I get it and if he is he wants you to be in control it could be because he has he doesn't have self-confidence or self-esteem or it could be for the last sorry to say for the last 20 years you've been grabbing the control away and now he's just out of the habit of what it is to be in control and to have that power that a man wants to have so you have to ex analyze that if I was talking to you directly I'd find that out and then be able to answer you the question better but the what the first thing that you need to figure out is his is his lack of decision-making his natural that's how he was when he was little his mom would take him out for ice cream chocolate or vanilla chocolate or he'd be like which one do which one do you think I should take you know whatever if that's how he was from a kid you you got your you've got your avoda you just have to remember one thing and that is that you are two halves of the same hole you're part of the same and Hashem gave him this and that's what that's a lot you got deal to dealt with maybe Hashem would have given it to you you know so okay very good oh thank you for being here you well c yeah we're almost done we have about that yeah just three more questions okay thank you for coming take a prize take a prize don't leave without a prize how do you avoid feeling holding it all inside and building up repetitive feelings when trying to not really getting your point across for the same same of PE the sake oh the sake of Peace H that was really hard okay how not getting impressed for the okay so feeling holding inside so basically for the sake of Peace the person's putting on duct tape and not saying what she feels and kak cavod that is a high high madrea you should be proud of yourself you should be we should woohoo you we give you a standing ovation or whatever it's a very very good thing how do you not resent how do you not hold it in how do you not make be mad about it so when you give in for the sake of peace right it creates shalom in the home but let's say you gave your husband says nope we're going to the beach day you're like the sand and you know we're going to get home and all the kids are cranky and last time we went to the beach remember we couldn't Park and we burned our feet on the bottom of the thing and and he goes nope we're going to the beach and for peace you just say okay going to the beach right so you go to the beach you don't say you know as everyone's you know dragging the sand through their thing and bringing it into the car you don't say say say say right you just maintain the peace and then what you do you come home and the two of you are spending an hour cleaning out the sand from the car and you know ratcheting the house back to normal still don't say anything and then later that day later that week at some other point you say you know I just want you to know I really really didn't want to go to the beach I really didn't I think you probably knew that for the sake of Shalom I went to the beach with you and I'm not mad at you I'm not resenting to you all I'm asking is the next time in Halid if you know if you just come a little bit my way and realize how hard the beach is for me and let's go to the mountains or let's go to whatever you know that would actually so the holding it in for peace you really should be honored for doing that but at a later time there is nothing wrong with you gently and kindly hot how to say it the outcome and the timing the wrong way what if he takes it the wrong way the wrong way oh you see it's always problematic for you you know like and then it's going become an argument you're like you're like I just said it so nice okay so then what you very good question okay the question is you know what then it becomes this Big Hal big argument and the qu the issue is you would you would say to him listen I want to bring something up about you know it happened a few days ago I calmed down really about it and I want to talk to you about it the last thing in the world I want is to create a big argument with you I I I H you know a wife has to have be able to express her feelings right I mean you know right so I need to express this how do I we I tell say this to you in a way that doesn't make you feel defensive doesn't make you feel attacked doesn't make you feel like I'm mad at you or whatever I need to be able to express without you taking getting all defensive about it so is it okay if I if you don't want to hear it right now I can tell it tell it to you another time he better let you huh another question you upset at him for something right whatever you're upset at your husband for something okay and you don't really like give him not attitude like a cold shoulder you're just like distancing yourself or just like really not just give you want your own space and he ask to everything okay you're like just yeah that's called the silent treatment right exactly so like is silent treatment okay okay so you're asking about a friend of yours who you heard this about and I would tell your friend okay I would tell your friend for me that that the silent treatment is um there there are better ways to communicate the silent treatment so you know I have a whole section on it maybe it's better you read that I'm sorry say that again sometimes you need to break for your I guess have to yes you need to break break for yourself yeah you need to process something so you could say I'm upset about what happened I need to process it I'm not ignoring you I'm not trying to push you away I'm not trying to be mean to you I'm not trying to negate you I'm not trying to make you invisible I'm not trying to ghost you I'm not trying to do that there's nothing more painful than the love of his life distancing herself from him very very painful for a man and it La leads to lack of trust I'm being very harsh cuz we're you know lady we've been through we've been through this you know uh so I I I'm I'm talking to myself as well I was a I was a silent treatment girl okay so I just have to say that because now I've kind of made you put you on the spot and the problem with it is it it doesn't accomplish what you think now he comes to you like oh are you okay and what you know what's happening whatever and he has to kind of gravel and uh you know so the the the secret to it is to look you can wake up all of us right well I've heard other people wake up in a bad mood wink wink okay so when you wake up in the bad mood right and someone's banging down the hall and some this is going on and that's going on and you're all upset or whatever and you wake up and you're like yell at your husband yell at the kids yes stop banging you know whatever okay you woke up in a bad mood that's that's called not having self-mastery and that's called not being in control of your own self difference you wake up you're in a rotten mood and you say to your husband I don't know what side of the bed I slept on I am in a rotten mood please do not take this personally please I don't want to hurt anybody I think I should just keep my distance can you get who's ever banging to stop banging and I am going to just go back to bed or I'm going to go get a cup of coffee or I'm going to like that there that's a difference between bringing somebody close or using your mood to push them away and throw them out the window so for this issue um uh there is a way to talk about it and say I really need to process I I'm try I'm not trying to this is what I had to do this is the process how I became not giving silent treatment yeah um are the books the same thing as the coaching or is it different um the there it's the same M the same like hello like you're you're do you're doing exercises you're doing whatever you're talking you're meeting with other coaches you're meeting with a supervisor you're what it's in it's immersive it's we only have two more questions and then we're going to have to end um but it's completely immersive and you you never like my coaches say they were on this path in their life and they've got picked up and now they're on this happier path I mean it's galic it's it's it's really there so yes you can get very very far doing self-study but when you're in a group and you have to keep up and you have to you know whatever it's it's really it's a whole team thing okay let's see um how do you address mental health challenges in your teaching okay that's a good question let me see what the other question is what if my husband doesn't want to talk when I wish to start a conversation with him what do I do when he shuts me off okay good okay let's start mental health issues um uh so basically as coaches we're not psychologists therapists psychiatrists um mfccs LFC W whatever different states it's different things whatever we're not that but what we know better than anyone on the planet is the m so in other words if I were to take you know and read all the books that most of the psychology books were all written in the 70s and 80s or whatever you know maybe there's new ones there are different spins and things like that but you know it's a whole body of knowledge that they all know that doesn't include the shalas masur unfortunately maybe we can one day we could get it in there also but what happens is as a uh coach we have red flags we have a whole ex you know teaching where Flags what is a red flag if somebody has addiction if somebody has uh abuse somebody has you know they're red flags and then we Turf them onto uh uh therapists so there's a whole um uh you it's bulletproof you will know exactly what to do and how to do it you'll notice that red flags that's how we handle I think that's what this how do you handle mental health issues in your in your teaching yeah so I guess that's teaching that and mental health issues you know there's a lot of people who are trained in this and there's a lot of resources in the Jewish Community what if my had the last question what if my husband doesn't want to talk when I wish to start a conversation with him what do I do when he shuts me off okay so in the heat of a conversation is the worst time to have any progress you're in a battle you're in a fight you're in a stressful situation you're mad he's mad bad time to have a productive conversation the way the conversation should go is you know at when both of you calm down both of you are wellfed both of you are well rested and then say you know I really think we had to talk about what happened the other day I don't want to attack you I don't want to hurt you I don't want to pain you I don't want to make things you feel badly I just we need to smooze it out and here's the thing the other day when you did this thing it made me feel this way and I just wanted you to know that cuz I know you don't want me to feel badly and I know you love me and I know you want to take care of me and make me feel special in your eyes and but here here's how I felt what do you think we could do next time you understand how you're you're having conversation with him not in the heat of battle to win you're bringing him on side with him sitting right next to him oh I forgot to tell the hack if your husband choose with his mouth open the hack is to sit next to them on the same side of the table I forgot to tell that so I'm going to end with that um anybody who has questions you can personal questions you can ask you can come up and ask me if you want to ask about the coaching thing everybody check number two hand your things in and thank you very much everybody for coming here should Ben you with bra mael and Shalom Bas 120 C thanks so much