Rabbi YY Jacobson & Therapist Moshe Zev Lamm, LCSW: Let's Discuss Dating | The Parents' Role

the yeshiva.net hi everybody welcome to tonight's special program special edition of coach menachem let's get real tonight is our 45th year um we're going to try to really really ram through this today we have a tremendous amount of questions it's a big topic uh we have two you know speakers over here rabbit white white and which is that lamb the first thought of all the advertising sponsors that come on that promote us every week first liquid scoop thank you very much for for robbie and from watching again appreciation for that thank you for mrs mikko sofa from cll live a special thank you to hilah calvin and trill summer from jcm jewish content network for always promoting us across all the jewish platforms uh just quickly next sunday march 14th we're going to have an amazing program with ruby chase tab sherman russell live for much trouble discussing the surprising truth about the problems that we all have so uh that's the surprise title it's gonna be amazing and again this is a three-part series by yoy jacobson tonight our focus is on the parents role in the dating parasha for everybody dating uh the questions are geared to that and that's what we're focusing on there will be a follow-up program for the bahrain for the boys on march 22nd and there will be a follow program for the girls for the woman uh right after pesos as soon as we confirmed the date um i just mentioned uh coach monaco is collaborating with ok clarity the jewish greater health and wellness jewish community around the globe okay clarity is the online platform for mental health support in the jewish community on their platform you can find the best therapists coaches nutritionists engage in forms and stay inspired links could be from the monaco email after show and again we have a tremendous show let's start first with opening words from coach minafen okay the excitement is in the air you can hear an usher's voice so i want to welcome everyone to the special edition on wednesday night and like we discussed tonight's topic the first of three of uh three-part series so tonight's topic is going to be narrowed down to the appearance and even in the parents it's pretty um vague you're talking about from all different types and the different questions so hopefully we'll be able to to um get clear on what we'll discuss so as a parent we all want the best for our kids and sometimes that itself that itself that we want the best for our kids can be a struggle because the parents already older in in other words they're already on the other side and they see things with different lens and they want to guide their kids you know based on their experiences they want to tell their kids what to do what not to do but the problem is the child is not there the child's on the other side and sometimes they don't understand um exactly they're not on the same page and it's a very fine balance between giving them the guidance and letting them go through their own journey like we discussed we're all on our own journey and as parents um we need to be here hold their hands while they're on their journey but too much control can be a problem and the truth is it doesn't stop after the dating you know the sugar box trying to get married and then you have the young couple and the parent wants this and the parent wants this this parent their appearance and uh you need another program for that you can get into their struggles so i want to thank the presenters tonight ruby yui with remissions at lamb i guess we can get um from all sides ashkaffer and the therapeutic together we'll be able to hear absolute aces and aldrachus and mitchell will be able to use it and uh twilight hashem we say in the philistine your mispal for their spouses for the shidduchim beautiful opening words because just finished the passage he's really in the pasture okay let's first start with us thanking our corporate responses for the series uh ocean breeze cleaning it's a very good friend of mine moishe feldman he lives on open vine and lakewood he does power washing and cleaning give him a call he's a very sweet guy his number is 732-276-56 again at 732-276-5668 ocean breeze cleaning our other corporate sponsors rabbi irie klein from klein's kosher ice cream as we said last year ryy all jewish memories or trauma always started with a good klein's ice cream bar so simply the best kosher ice cream in the world cigarette kubari for always promoting rabbi and pushing it we really appreciate it again just a lot of people came since we started to get on our overview this is a three-part series that we're starting now on dating tonight's focus will be on the parents role in the shirt of him the questions and everything should be geared towards that that's what we're focusing on it will be follow-up for the but for the boys and for the men and for the ladies another shooter let's really try to focus on that rabbit why we felt this is an important topic actually he reached out to me and said let's do this let's really do this and uh he brought on this top therapist motions of lamb over land from muncie one of the one of the professionals in the marriage marriage world to give us the therapeutic point of view to bounce things around and again a lot of questions came in we're going to try to cover a lot of grounds and we're going to try to people again it's supposed to be an internet interactive program you have any questions we'll get to that please ask this is why it's meant this is why the program is created so people can ask the questions let's start off with uh opening statements from motions have land the floor is yours okay hello everybody uh coach menachem probably thank you so much for having me here it's it's really it's close for me to be here on multiple levels first of all uh to be first of all just talk about this topic this is such an important topic and i really appreciate being invited to talk about this topic second just being part of this this is this is not a zoom share this is this this program is a phenomena and it's just this close to be part of the phenomena you've created a phenomena and i'm just i'm thrilled to be a product a part of it um and third is this course it's humbling and it's exciting to be sharing the podium with the rabbi yui uh so like once robert huawei i say i know a lot of a lot of people are gonna be watching so that i guess that's a good thing um so let's get started what i want to do is we're going to be talking you mentioned the coachmen you mentioned uh h's anadroxus and i i guess that's what tonight is going to be a lot about a lot of questions and answers and exercises about this thing called dating what i'd like to do is define this thing called dating that's just what i want to do in opening your mouth what is dating what what is that and if we don't understand what dating is and and what it is and what it's not if we don't understand what dating is we have mislead misguided expectations and it's not going to end well if i have if i have a toaster you know the kind that you put two slices of bread in and push it down and i think that this is meant to boil a steak and i put a steak in it's not going to end well and i'm going to go around complaining that the toaster doesn't work and steaks are horrible if we don't understand what dating is i'm going to walk around saying dating doesn't work and marriages are terrible i need to understand what dating is and what dating is not so let me let now if you hear somebody what's the point of dating what what is dating the the partial answer is it's dating is that thing that we do to make sure that i know who i'm marrying okay i need to know this person that i'm married why did that make sense how can i marry somebody without knowing that okay so let's assume that's what dating is now let me ask you a question let me let me say this as a statement that is a question the vast vast majority of what you will learn about your spouse in your lifetime you will learn after the wedding go ask any 90 year old who's been married for seven years how much of what they know today about their spouse did they know when they walked down the aisle if if they answer anything more than one percent i would be surprised the vast majority of what you're going to know about your spouse you're going to know about them you're going to learn about them after the wedding so let's go back and revisit that statement dating is this thing that we do to make sure that i know who i married huh if that's what i think dating is i i i got it wrong that's not that obviously that's not what dating is so so what is this is dating broken like what what is this and once you understand that the vast majority so so here's i'm going to offer somewhat of a definition of dating i haven't worked it out completely but i i one thing i know for sure it's not that thing that we do to make sure i know who i'm marrying because it doesn't it's it's not if so so so i'm going to put forth a possible you know the beginning of a conversation of what dating is dating is that thing if marriage is that thing that we do it let me say it differently if marriage if if 99 of what i know about my spouse i learn after the wedding that means marriage is a journey of discovery so what's dating dating is that thing that i do to see if this is the person that i want to go on a journey of discovery with that's it i'm going to learn maybe one percent about this person but what's that one percent that i'm focused on if i don't if the one percent that i'm focused on is is this the person i want to go on a lifetime journey with and get to know is this a person that has so what are those what are those qualities that i want to go on a journey is this a person that has empathy is this a person who's interested in going on the journey with me is the person who sees me is the person has what me discovers can i glean in that one percent what me this love is a pleasant person with it think if you think of dating in those terms is this the person i want to go on a journey with dating is a different experience that's number one that's point number one point number two is we date think about the process of dating it's fun it's light right there's a we have some a lot of dmc's for those who don't have daughters that means deep meaningful conversations right for hours on end we we we spend we're curious right fun curiosity now think about this for a second i have to begin myself and based on that dynamic we just we like each other we really like each other wow i have fun with him and we do all these things and then we get married and when we get married we stop doing these things i've seen couples who have come into my office after 20 years of marriage and i asked them when was the last time you had a conversation just for the sake of having a conversation that had no agenda nothing light fun was last time yet fun was last time all the things that we do to make sure that we like each other we stopped doing when we got married if you're educating your children about dating you have to educate them that whatever they're doing on the dates they have to keep doing for the rest of their life the dating is the beginning of a process that has to start to start a lifetime that's number two the third point i want to make about the last point i want to make about dating is this is this is on a personal note i'm going to say the first two points i was introduced as a couple's therapist i was introduced as the professional part of this of of of of the the duo right but for the next two minutes i'm not going to be the professional for the next two minutes i want to be a father who has barack hashem to do and i want to just share one aspect of that experience so i'm talking one one true to another there are many areas in life where one of the challenges of being uh being a jew is is not to not to say right this is we we try to you know it's it's older about them the world is an illusion it looks like we're in control but we have to say it's not going to be this one area that i have found that it is so clear that i have no control it is so clear that is the yadashima that's dating it's an area that is just the things that i've seen this i'm just saying this is on a personal things that i've seen both personally and in the professional level also the things that are coming to my office in terms of there is there is no i don't think there's an area in life where the hashem is more manifest and it's it's it's if you really look at what's going on it's very hard to say there's no illusion it's the other the hashem is all over the place we control nothing and if that's the case what are we doing here for the next hour what do what what are they going to take what are we doing and and so i think it becomes obvious that we're doing gestalts we have to we have enough horizon to do the right establish we cannot be negligent your bunch of wants us to do and everything we're discussing here tonight is is about that established but it's not about controlling a process and there are two things that come out of if i look at it as not controlling a process if i look at it this is just the gestatus two things happen number one if i back off and say i am not in control of dating two things two i think very profound things happen in terms of a family in terms of raising a family in terms of children in terms of our connection with our children if my child is five years old and i know that the shidduch that i'm going to be making in 15 years i do not control then every single decision i make for this five-year-old child will be about this five-year-old child if i'm worried about shidduchim then literally from the age of one i will be thinking about shidduchim and we end up sometimes raising the up instead of raising the child if i know that because i will look at my child as a child what's going to be what you're doing if i send them to this yeshiva what's going to be what you're doing if i'd make that decision it's like what's going to do i don't know but i need to make a decision based on this child that's number one and the second thing that comes out of giving up control is when you go into the dating process if it's about control then it's about anxiety it's about frustration it's about anger it's about friction it's about me my child my child and me there's this if it's about establish if i realize we're not in control here and if i tell that to my child also we're not in control we're going to do our best what happens is the dating process can become a really really powerful bond between a parent and a child the discussions could be calm there's a munich that sets in that's that's digging thank you everyone beautiful opening and now we're going to we're trying we're in a rush tonight now let's let's slow down but we're in a rush we have a tremendous amount of questions people are texting non-stop questions remember why away right we're gonna finish tonight three o'clock he says all right of course for me an honor to introduce robbie oyster jacobson i'm not gonna even do the bio go thank you so so much thank you my dear friend rab usher thank you my dear friend coach monachem thank you so much to maisha zevlam one of the great and celebrated therapists here in our community in rockland county and thank you to the hundreds and hundreds or thousands and maybe couples listening hundreds or thousands of people gracing us here this evening with your presence i had the privilege of being here a few times before it's always a thrilling meaningful uplifting inspiring experience let me tell you why i reached out to my dear friend reb usher and coach menachem and asked them to host this program and why i'm speaking to you this evening i am not a that's an important disclaimer i'm not a therapist i'm not a psychiatrist i'm not a psychologist i'm not a coach i'm not a social worker and and i never married off any children my children are younger but is there hashem in the right time were shattered so i don't have personal experience here so i speak to you tonight not as a professional guiding people professionally in the dating processes or parents as a therapist or as somebody who experienced it but rather from my years of traveling and interacting with individuals and communities all across the globe i see how much pain confusion uncertainty there is around the topic of dating relationships engagements marriage intimacy dysfunctional homes traumas that we bring into our marriage red flags that we ignored resulting often in catastrophic consequences and therefore i wanted to share some of the perspectives that i have gleaned over the years and of course some of the things that i have learned may be smarter than would be cypherim the tradition of yiddishkait of thousands of years so i'm going to begin my opening remarks with going back to the first major dating story or first major shidduch story in jewish history and as far as we know in world history the first shidduch ever was a match made in heaven they didn't have to date it was a match made in heaven pun intended and of course that was other manchava but the first shidduch that we learned about where there was a lot of wheeling and dealing and a lot of negotiation and a lot of problems and a lot of setbacks and a lot of failures and a crisis and it almost never happened and it was not simple at all is that one from which we every one of us comes from the shidduch between yitzhak and rivka in fact it's the longest parashantara i don't know if you know this parshas khayasara the entire chapter 54 chapter 24 67 dedicated to the story of a date and i say this explicitly because if you read the story 66 don't deal with the marriage 66 so can deal with the preparations for the marriage the last passage the 67th passage says they got married yitzhak married rifka he brought her to the tent of sorry his mother he married her he loved her and he was comforted he found comfort after the death of his mother's daughter but 66 are about avraham summoning his servant and dispatching him on a mission to go find a girl making him swear giving him the conditions and telling him what not to do eliezer taking the journey coming to the place standing at the well davening to hashem creating a sign how he's going to know who's the right girl for yitzhak meeting her speaking to her going to her home repeating the whole story to her parents and brother back and forth sleeping the night negotiating with them they're in they're out speaking to her taking her back and i ask you a question the main point of this story is the marriage that's one possible 66 is about getting to that point that destination what does this teach us what i want to share with you is two powerful lessons lesson number one avraham avinu had a boy at the age of a hundred his wife 90 they waited their entire life for this son avrom knew if i knew it he knew it that the wife that his son is going to marry is maybe the most consequential decision he's going to make in his life she's going to be the matriarch the exclusive singular matriarch of god's people he didn't have other sons kibi it's he had another song but the mystery of the tradition the genealogy of judaism goes through it's his wife is going to be the mother of kaliser maybe at least avrom should have gone himself and find a wife for yitzhak he did not he sent eliezer his servant and he trusted him he gave him and he empowered him with this mission you choose the right girl for my boy why didn't that rum do it himself you know why my friends here is one possible interpretation listen to this open your hearts avraham avinu knew that as much as he loved yitzchak their dispositions were opposite he was the paradigm of love of generosity yitzhak was made the attribute of discipline restraint introvertedness introspection that the spouse that he may choose for yitzhak may be a spouse that he would appreciate that he would cherish but it may not be what his son needs so often i choose for my child that which i feel is the best choice the most wonderful person she is the right girl is only one issue i'm projecting my own characteristics my own veltan shall my own paradigms on my child my child is my child but my child is not me you know what abrum did he took eliezer eliezer was objective eliezer grew up in the home so he knew yitzhak from the day he was born eliezer knew yitzhak intimately but on the other hand eliezer was not family eliezer was on the outside and he trusted elias eliezer will find the right person for yitzhak and indeed avraham avinu chose a woman very different avraham was sorrow was gura yitzhak was gura rifka you see avraham chose a very different wife than yitzhak eliezer understood what yitzhak needed that's why he sent eliezer number one number two what we see from this story i think is a very powerful idea in the sense the deterrent doesn't just say let's jump into this wedding there is respect 66 verses for the preparation it takes time the research the journey the encounters the meetings dealing with problems dealing with uncertainty don't dismiss it don't disregard it don't denigrate it don't try to skip it don't get frustrated by it the sugar from which we all come from 66 verses the total dedicates to it and only one verse to them for the marriage even though the marriage is the ultimate grace and the etra number two what we learned from this is often we we look at the time of dating the time that we're not married yet as some not real life it's not living there's nothing significant about this time it's just frustrating time it's like the time in the airport it's the time on the security line it's when you're stuck in traffic nobody looks at the time you spend in the airport especially when your plane is delayed and the security line is two hours especially during covert for those of you who are flying nobody looks at that time as the time when you're alive that's the time when you're semi-dead you wish you can afford your private plane and for forty thousand dollars you could fly on your own without the airport that's what you wish some of us look at the whole dating scene the whole dating process my children have to get married one date another date another date another date it's almost like there's no life let's get it done let's get married go to the wedding god willing build a family that's where life begins the terrorist says no no no no god's blueprint for life dedicates one verse to the wedding 66 verses to the preparations because the journey towards your destination is also meaningful and inspiring life doesn't only happen tomorrow when i settle down life is happening right now every moment is meaningful every encounter every experience and even every setback is part of the mission and the journey of your soul allowing you to maximize your potentials and fulfill the purpose for which your soul came down into the world if i can end by a quote of winston churchill i heard this from the late rabbi jonathan sax somebody asked him if he ever experienced failure in his life somebody asked rabbi sax did you ever fail because he was such a celebrity and so successful and world renowned sadly he was taken from us this year shabbos valera 20 so rabbi sac started to laugh he said failure have i ever failed i'm asking myself have i ever really reached real success and he said my greatest definition for success is one that comes from winston churchill churchill said the definition of success is moving from failure to failure without losing loot without losing your enthusiasm it's a profound idea we all want to be successful but part of success is i learn from mistakes i stumble i fail not everything is successful but i realize that every failure is a catalyst and a springboard for awareness for education for rejuvenation so i hope that each of us can glean wisdom from that story with eliezer learn it as i told you the longest part of the other is are given a word a sentence maybe a posik and here you have 67 because it really contains many powerful secrets for life wow what opening okay tremendous amount of questions kevin i just want to tell you about why you're you're sounding voices like a little off i don't know if you're plugged in or not if you could plug in it'll be great if possible um we got a tremendous amount of questions um we're gonna try to uh we're gonna try to navigate through them again anybody who's on tonight please turn on your camera uh you have you know rabbit huawei here you know the top therapist nurses have lamb this opportunity to ask it's interactive you know feel comfortable i'm gonna start off with a few that came in just to get everybody warmed up but anybody wants that question please text me i'll show harness on the chat and i'll let you know first question okay we'll uh we'll start from both you rabbi rabbit lamb you go first and then rabbi why why my daughter is 19 she's my oldest child i am new in the shinducking world what first steps would you advise me oh probably expecting me to say something like sit down and talk to her about shidduchim what is she looking for um what kind of guy what does she want for her life i would sit down and talk to her about her life outside shidduchim this girl she's 19 she probably came home from seminary um what is she doing this year is she in a job that she likes what's her social life like does she have friends the is does she have her summer's job set up is she living life i i think the first thing that we need to let our kids know as they enter intraduct that this is not your life you have to live life and inside this living of life we're going to try to find you a though we're going to try to find the that we're going to go out on days but look what happens so often is life becomes about shidduchim so yeah you have to you have to sit down and and talk about your luck but the question i think was what's the first thing i should do first thing you should do is make sure that she will have a beautiful year whether she finds a shirt this year whether she doesn't find the of this year and next year should also be a beautiful year whether she finds a of next year or she doesn't find a beautiful of next year make sure your kids at 19 20 21 are living beautiful productive meaningful lives and they're not just sitting in the waiting room waiting for a sale that's that's the first thing great go to the next question great answer okay the next question where is this all basic we're starting with basics over here my son went out a few times with a sweet girl he can't decide if he's happy what role should parents play in this should we wait till he decides or how much will we butt in [Music] what kind of question is that could the the way the question was worded was ever very interesting i mean should we butt in it makes it sound like there's two of us right there's two sides over here and my son is on one side we're on the other side he can't make his decision right there's a question he can't make his decision and what should we do should we butt in there's a process here and and i think you need to set up a teamwork with your son it's not butting in it it's i think the process of the process of dating the process of shidduchim is sitting down and creating an alliance with your son i think the answer to that question is can you create an alliance with him he can't make a decision right well the question was he couldn't make a decision what was the question russia what was the he he doesn't know if he should continue if he's a dropper what how much as a parent do you just let them write it out or you you start humbling with them giving them your guidance that that's he can't make a decision and i i think i want to say something that i think may apply to a lot of the questions that are going to come up him is a process and a process means that at the beginning we don't know and we just kind of move through this process the definition of a process means that in the beginning we're uncertain and i think a big part of shidduchim is being able to sit with uncertainty this boy doesn't know he doesn't know yes no should i shouldn't i sitting in uncertainty is not confusion i think i think we mistake the two you say he doesn't know he came back up his mind he's very confused no no he's in the middle of a process and he's uncertain and talking him through that asking him questions allowing him to to i think parents it's not voting in it's helping him talk it through and talking through means there may have been things that we talked about a hundred times we talked about it after the first day we talked about it after the second day we talked about it after the third okay now it's the fourth day you're gonna talk through the same thing again here here goes the hundred and first time that's that's a process and just be okay with that i i that that's but just the term butting in is i i just think not applicable over here it's it's can you can you can you align with him and help him talk it through many people are asking um there are many newbies and how do they know if their child is ready and the child wants to start dating and the parent doesn't think that the child is ready who's the question too what is that well i'm allowed to not know the answer to this one i i'm gonna say the same answer as i said to the question before uh how do i know if my child is ready uh you don't and could you stay with that uncertainty talk it through with them my child thinks they are ready make sure sometimes the child thinks they're ready the parent thinks they're not ready parent thinks they're ready to trial things not ready i'm going to resist the temptation now to go through a checklist of what's called ready for shidduchim i i think you know those checklists are out there you know maturity and medos and and and you know is he ready to be responsible in life if my child feels he's not ready uh vaccia is ready for freddie and i feel he's not ready i need to sit down and have a conversation what what is it what are his expectations or her expectations of of marriage what uh what are the and and again i i want i sound like a broken record over here but trying to bring this back into a joint venture right i think my child's not ready he thinks he's ready she thinks she's ready i think she's not ready we have much like this no no don't don't can you take it away from us like us and let's sit down and talk this through okay what does being ready for marriage mean let you tell me what being ready for marriage means i'll tell you'll be ready for our dreams and let's have this conversation okay let's get into this one right let's start with you what what what words of advice or physique can you offer parents of children that have been dating for 10 plus years we feel sometimes lost or that our child is picky or people are not writing as good children either because our family status or money what that because of people that are having you know it's an important question thank you very much the first thing is we have to acknowledge the fact that it's difficult it's painful we expected the that have happened years ago the child is getting older the boy the girl is getting older so many frustrating experiences it almost worked out it didn't work out so i think it's important just to create space and have compassion for what your child is going through of course for what you're going through but most importantly what your child is going through try to be able to have open conversations about it in a non-judgmental way in a curious way to a point of finger and tell him you know you're too picky you're a perfectionist everybody has flaws you got to get your act together you're being immature you don't want to distance your child you don't want your child to feel that they can't talk to you that they can't trust you so it's important to create space for whatever his or her experiences without judgmentalism without compassion without the need to be right just to listen and to be attentive to what they're going through because from that attentiveness and empathy you can guide them in a very subtle benign and kind way that's number one number two it's so important to emphasize what i said earlier in my opening remarks life does not stop when you're dating and you did not find your bashert life does not stop when you're not dating and you're hoping to find your soul mate it's a mistake that many of us make and i understand why we make it it's almost like when i get married i start living till then i'm in a comatose state that's not a proper approach and this is where social conformity comes in very often in some of our communities it's like there's a label she's married she's not why is she not married he's married he's not why is he not married why is he not married his brother got married at 22. he's 29 why is he not married and you know what people are people but it's about the parents the parents have to exhibit the confidence this is where real trust in god happens we talk about hashem this is where it really counts it really means that god has a plan for every single soul and the fact that right now i'm not married it's because my mission right now is not to be married my mission is to explore other aspects of life focus on self-growth focus on education focus on a career get involved in a project build myself up make my own discoveries in life life is a journey and every moment every moment has absolute and infinite significance it's not wise and it's non-very non-spiritual and very inauthentic to put judaism in a box and a model this is what a good life looks like really you know what a good life looks like one of the most powerful ideas of judaism is you know what a good life looks like what your life looks like by realizing that wherever i am that's where i can find purpose moisture's opening conversation with god what does hashem tell them says i want to get to the bush and understand why it's not being consumed take your shoes off your feet because the place upon which you stand is sacred soil you have to be able to discover in life that the masha ta'amu the love the space upon which you stand has so much potential and so much opportunity and so much significance it's pulsating with divine infinite vibrancy don't run away from your space not geographically and not conceptually of course i want to get married of course i want to have a successful date and move on in life but with the the way to get to that place is only with a positive attitude with good spirits and with realizing that till i get to that point my life is not a nebox situation i'm not a victim of my circumstances i'm not a schlemazel i'm not a loser i'm not a nerd because all of my classmates are married yes i may have toxic thoughts that tell that to me but that comes from the eight sahara and we as parents have the responsibility to really live with this to really breathe this this is a very internal experience i'm telling you this you have to work on yourself because when you come to that place you will exude a different type of energy in the home and your child will experience that different type of energy and it will only help them god willing in the right time to find the right person we're getting a tremendous amount of text like four or five of the same question it's really for both of you about asking for both whoever wants to go first the general question is i have a older child in childhood and my younger child wants to start dating already a how do i work with it and how do i how do i stay sensitive to the older child's feelings if i do agree rabbi lamb if you want to go first so i i i have very strong personal feelings about this um i know that there are certain hugging in certain families certain families have certain hypothesis and i don't want to get involved in that because i don't know in him i don't know the the aspects of any of this but i could tell you from what i've seen personally what i've seen professionally how much pain has been caused by people waiting 20 21 22 23 and and people waiting around and then there's a backup and then there are three siblings waiting i i i i think the idea of waiting i i've just seen too much pain caused by waiting but again i'm not getting into the shuffle parts but in terms of the older sibling um i think this should be a conversation between the siblings with the parents sometimes without the parents sometimes the parents should sit down with the other sibling talk to the older sibling about it and what we're trying to create is empathy between the siblings and understanding between the siblings the this older sibling needs to have empathy for what the younger siblings are going through the younger siblings need to have empathy for the for what the older siblings are doing and having them having i think having this be an open discussion is the best way to handle it it's not the elephant in the room that no but the big elephant room that nobody talks about it's something that we talk about we talk about the pain we talk about the the and it's really painful for a 28 year old to see that 28 23 year old sibling get married is beyond beyond painful and then it becomes even more painful everybody walks over to them at the cost and it says it's beyond painful so i think to deal with this pain it's bringing the family together and don't it needs to be openly talked about between the siblings and between the parents and the sickness but but i wouldn't wait beautiful very well said with my shazeev mr lam thank you completely agree and i would just add one more thing and that is it's broadened svarim and in works of halacha that it is important not just from a psychological point of view and from a therapeutic point of view but also from a moral point of view that the younger sibling really has an intimate and vulnerable and real conversation with the older sibling and in a very genuine way what we call asks them which means asks them for real permission to be able to go ahead not because they're doing anything wrong if i'm younger and i found a wonderful i'm not doing anything wrong but it's it's when when even indirectly if i'm causing somebody pain because it's just going to trigger their own pain and disappointment so i have to be able to be accountable for what i did you know if i slam the door on your finger or unintentionally i apologize so i come to my older sibling and i really have an open conversation a vulnerable conversation telling them how much i respect them and love them and appreciate them and ask them for real permission real permission to be able to go ahead even if both of us do this with a bittersweet feeling because there is pain involved and it's so important to get that you know don't don't override it don't ignore it don't say it's nothing and i also once saw a letter from the laboratory of blessed memory to somebody to a parent and he said that the etsom fact the very fact that the older brother the older sister gave wholehearted gave permission wholeheartedly to their youngest sibling that itself generates such an amazing energy in the world such a beautiful energy in the world that creates within their life an opening that they could become a channel for that flow of blessings which will help them find their soulmate so that you can do it actually in a very positive and optimistic way because that itself really contributes to what you are searching for which is to find god willing your own spouse in the right time to follow when if somebody's texting what happens if the older sibling is not masking then i said it's taking too long oh yo the older sibling the older sibling is not moscow right so much of what do you say we have them speak to rabbi it's it's so we really have to understand what's happening in other words why is the older sibling not mosque they're hurting very very deeply so are we talking about a person who you know and and i'm saying this with a lot of respect sometimes a person is dealing with a certain type of illness a certain type of challenge in the way they look at life they may not be living in reality they may be living in a delusional world you have to be sensitive to that that's a whole different scenario different situation if it's not that situation we really want to find out why is the older sibling not agreeing what is the pain that's sitting in them and it has to be addressed i think it's important it's important to address it you find either a top therapist or a top psychiatrist or a tap rabbi a real expert a real person with empathy and wise understanding and this to be able to to address this with this older sibling and hopefully reach some reconciliation wants to add something so i'm going to add one thing to that sometimes if the conversation is sometimes the old the younger sibling will say okay you know if you might beat um i'm okay to wait let's wait a year and sometimes but sometimes the younger sibling really really wants to start dating sometimes the younger sibling is begging to start dating and the older sibling says no just to go back i i don't you're innocent you're in a situation where one person i i'm just there's so much pain here so it's so painful for me to even say this but the brutal reality is you have one person causing so much pain to another person holding back a person from living their life from beginning their life and that's not so and the older sibling needs to be talked to and needs to be helped through this process and if if nothing else helps i'm i'm not sure that one person has the right to hold back somebody else from living their life okay the next question is i got amazing information about this boy from literally every single person i asked but right before we're about to say yes one one of his teachers gave terrible information and said that he was not the year of shaman what do we do i could just answer from common sense i would do a little more research you know where is this coming from what is this teacher talking about can you have an open conversation with me is this one story that happened is this an ongoing pattern what does this teacher know that nobody else knows is this teacher really reliable and trustworthy is this a story that happened many years ago and a boy stumbled and failed like i think most of us do besides a few tatticum out there so i think we just have to it's important when you hear a piece of information you don't have to ignore it you don't have to dismiss it sometimes it may be an opening of maybe opening a vista to something that's important but i don't think we should just run away from it you know it may turn out to be not very significant or significant i think we just have to investigate more i i agree with everything remember i said it just means another round of investigation i think it's important to add that the christ to say yes to a shidduch is a huge price am i sure i want to say yes to say no to is an equally huge race i think it's something to keep in mind if so much information was positive and there's one piece of negative information to just say okay negative information gone done next i don't want any negative information that's not price just to realize that that's not price also and i i have seen situations where there was a negative piece of information that could not be corroborated that's really what you want to see is it can i corroborate this can i get a second person to say something negative and i've had situations where they could not get they could not get a second person to say it and it turned out to be an isolated incident a bad year so yeah you just have to be careful okay we have a few more general questions then it gets into much more uh deeper stuff and there's a few quite there's quite a few live ones but i want to cover some of the basics before we get into the more uh complex questions um is this this is just a general question about sculpting probably more than rabbi lamb it's probably more forever jacobson i know in different circles is different but this question with pictures on resumes i i spoke to philosophers today they said the major standard practice that you always send the picture but in a lot of circles it's not standard and parents want to know if if they say please send the picture or they're marked with that i only send a picture i'm not interested should they do it even if they hold it's wrong or not it's a more of a scopic question but quite a lot of people are asking this question yeah again i i cannot give a real authoritative answer because there are sensitivities in different communities but a mother reached out to me the other day and she said she does not want a hasidic community a certain kassadin community in muncie she does not want to send a picture of her daughter and therefore she is refusing the shidduch and i was just thinking to myself that even if you're against it and you have very good reasons to be against it if you really feel that this that has potential so the question is does it make sense that the opposition should override the potential for a good in other words let's say we can agree that this is a bad idea and it's really not helpful and it's not in the spirit of yiddishkait and it's not in the spirit of our messiah which certainly a significant amount of people feel that way whether right or wrong the question is in reality if this is an opportunity coming up and this is what they want i'm not sure that it makes sense really to stand strong by your principles because maybe in this case it's good to compromise for the result may be tremendously positive that's just my personal uh opinion you have to always know what to fight for till the bitter end and what to compromise on which is generally a good idea in life anything or we should go to the next one let's go to the next one okay just a few more and then we're getting into some of the more difficult ones um another one this is a very general question but a lot of people are asking they're starting also new people when doing research for my child what would you say the most important qualities to look for from a boy to a girl from a girl to a boy grab a lamb one of the most important qualities uh the the my hesitation is we i don't you know straducam is not a checklist and people you know if all the ch or if all the checks are there then let's go back let me go back one more step yeah somebody's first child his first son or his first daughter completely knew this what what what am i looking for i'm looking she's pretty she's rich what midos what does it mean okay so so uh obviously i mean if we went down the checklist me there's televised empathy flexibility right that's that's that's the list um i'm not not coming up with all the all the words but but you get the idea and and that's i mean i'm not making fun of it that's a very important thing you're listening for some sakai you're listening for flexibility you're listening for uh obviously you're listening for mental health you're listening for for really good media us a giving person a person with empathy above all that i think we're also listening to just listen i think finding information is not about going down a checklist finding information is seeing how people talk about this person get a sense you're calling 10 people i i sometimes think people ask there's a lot of questions being asked and you want you get what's the answer to this question what's the answer to this question it's not just the answer to the question it's how the question is answered is there an enthusiasm in the answer when you ask a question and you get an answer do you get just the answer or do you get a bunch of more things like is she a kind person yes she's a kind person period or no no and last week you wouldn't believe what she did last week and when i was in seminary with her and get a sense if information is being offered that you didn't necessarily ask a question for you're trying to get the general avira of how people feel about this person not just the checklist of information the checklist is important i'm not i'm not i'm not belittling the checklist if i came across as i'm making fun of it at the beginning i didn't mean to do that it's just so much attention is is put on that that we forget to just stand back and say what what are people the people like this person what is this what is the general gut feel that i'm getting as i ask people about information about this person agreed i mean i would just say i think you know basement of my chazev's opening remarks i think it's important going out what i'm looking for is am i gonna find a person and i'm gonna get to know her or him completely obviously not somebody once said it takes a quarter of a century to begin knowing your spouse and in some cases maybe it takes a half a century but i think it is important to ask myself or ask yourself this question is this the person whom i can have a disagreement with who i want to have a disagreement with is this a person who could compromise is this a person who is rigid self-centered narcissistic is this a person who's obsessive extremely insecure you want to make sure that you're dealing with a healthy person you're dealing with a person that when there are disagreements when there is crisis when there are challenges this is a person who's going to stand by you and with you it's important you want to be with a person who's not going to be perfect but you want to make sure this is a person who's going to be accountable we're not looking for perfection we're looking for accountability this is a person who's going to be present this is a person as much as they've said who's empathetic who will listen to you obviously midas tyves kindness is so important you're a shamayam means you share values there are authentic values what type of home you want to build what type of family you want to create what type of ambiance you want to live in what are you both ready to fight for sacrifice for what are your real values you want to share that as well and then of course there is the very individual thing where really every person ultimately knows what gets their soul excited and that's very unique in gemara's terminology it's you know why did you choose your spouse you say well my spouse is an unbelievable person or other unbelievable people my spouse is also unbelievable and the real answer is it's something that you can't articulate it's called the bhaskar because mine is sham or her the basketball you're in the summer heard a different basketball so that's we have to respect that that there's something that makes one soul sing in a way that doesn't make another soul sing and conversely beautiful i have a few more basics but let's take a live question now and then we'll get to that then we'll get into the cross you're on yeah hi um what does someone do when the mother is taking care of the shidduchim that's the choice between the parents and the husband the father still wants to know what's going on and since the child is confiding in the mother there's like this barrier that the child isn't revealing to the father it doesn't mean that there's no necessarily good relationship bad relationship but since it's shidduchim the the child is not revealing so the the father in this case feels out of the loop i i would be wondering i mean the first question i was asked is what's happening between the mother and the father right that information is not being said the child does not if the child feels more comfortable talking to one parent than another that's fine but if the mother and father are not feeling comfortable talking to each other that's that's that's where i would focus the the question and that that's really what would need to happen mother and father should be talking about this fully openly and that that's really where with uh unless their marriage is on the rocks and then they should come see you a qual a qualifier is that the parents are talking but the father although the mother's handling it just because of logistics or we're going to call it the father still wants to know what's going on so what's the best approach for the father to the child mother and father need to sit down for a couple of hours and schmooze it through maybe every day there needs to be an ongoing conversation which which parent the child speaks to should have no shouldn't play any role in the mother father conversation that it's it's how do we help our kids with rejection they're going out two three times and bach hashem they're happy they're excited and they're looking forward this is the yoshimaka and then boom the first thing is we create space for the emotions around rejection it's painful it's painful and sometimes we're going to cry ourselves to sleep and the pillowcase is going to be as wet as the neglester shizzle and that's normal especially if the dating continued 6 7 8 9 10 11 times he said no or she said no or they both said no there is pain and we have to be able to talk about it we have to be able to cry about it and then we have to be able to giggle about it that's number one and number two from that conversation if we're honest we'll they will emerge a deeper truth and that is you know a fellow once called me abba he was in the middle of dating and he tells me he says we dated i know 12 times 13 times she's a wonderful girl but i don't want to marry her but i cannot tell her no because i don't want to break her heart so i said so what are you going to do he says i'm gonna continue dating i said that's brilliant of you you're gonna continue dating you'll date for another two years and then you're gonna say no so instead of her crying for three months she'll cry for two years that is empathetic in other words ultimately what does rejection really mean rejection really means that god saved you from a shidduch with somebody who's not crazy about you so yes it's painful but let's go one step deeper rejection is the greatest kindness you wanted to get married and then a year later figure out that your husband is not interested in you thank god it's coming out right now to the fore now it's hard it's difficult it's part of the journey of life growing up maturing understanding that not everybody was made for everybody right the gemara says in sanhedrin this is not everybody is made so we acknowledge the pain we feel the pain and then from that we realize that actually this is the very journey of life i have to know that i am a person and i'm searching for my soul and obviously this is not the right person i want to add to that that that using the word rejection doesn't really capture what's happening over here um because i don't think people sometimes don't realize the pain the enormity of the pain rejection is i'm a salesman and i knock on somebody's doing they slam the door in my face when somebody is dating seven or eight times the reason why we don't realize the intensity of what happened is because there was nothing there there was nothing that was created there's no way if somebody's married and then gets divorced okay we understand there was something there and it was lost but there was something there when somebody is dating five six seven eight times there's dreams there's there's a whole world that they've built in their mind and now that world is lost so the proper word is not rejection the proper word is grief and to really help your child through this you really need this it's it's it's real you really need to help them through grief i've worked with people through this process and it's it's like somebody died it's almost it's almost at that level because there's a whole dream that in their mind they already planned out the next 50 years of their life and now it's lost and it's it's real it's grief counseling when you when you work with somebody who went through that and parents need to know understand this could be what my child is going through okay here we go starts getting very uh love with it whoever wants to ask answer first answer first um maybe rabbit lamb should go first for this one i have a child in childhood now who is not it didn't who is not going up who's not going about things the way the rest of my children did a little bit more modern the rest of our family you know based on where they are he's a great boy we're very close to him yet now it comes time for him he's looking for girls on things that we don't approve of and we're not used to how do we go about supporting him and being there for him when he's dating somebody that we would never say yes to so as parents we think that shidduchim is a journey for our children we're helping our children go off on a journey um the truth is is a journey for ourselves as parents and there's a there's so much introspection there's so much that we as parents have to talk to ourselves and work with ourselves when we let our children off and when we help our children into shiloh there's a shift that has to happen as part of that journey of a parent there's a shift that needs that needs to happen when we we take our children into sudoku that shift is up until the age of 18 19 years old as a parent i'm taking my values my shifus my my whole hashgraph and imposing it on my child that's what i'm doing i know nobody sits with a five-year-old and says so tell me what are your what are your scuffles or even a 10 year old and even at 15 we we try to push as much as we can you know but but there's and i'm i'm not getting into the the aspect of it of how much should we push on a 50 year old or not but but we do the mithia says we do we want our children to be like us and that's that's that's that's what we are as parents when as soon as we enter our children entering we as parents have to make a shift we have to if we're if we're going to be there for our children because at that point up until now it was about what i want for this child it's what i want for this child what i want is my sheepless my values my hydrafa now it's about what this child is going to want what this child wants for themselves because they are going to have to live with this person for the rest of their life not me and if i can't read a off to my child that's that's something that they want and if we're talking about the child is 20 21 22 the clinic days are over it's sad and as a parent we may have a lot of internal work to do we may have a lot of grief work to do we may have a lot of crime to do there's a lot of stuff that we may have to go through i'm saying this without like i'm not saying to a parent come on just get over it and this is what your child wants move on no no as a parent this is extremely extremely painful but it's part of our journey as a parent this child wants something different than i do how am i going to help this child if i let go of that responsibility and i've seen parents do this you know i can't i i i'm not i'm not writing such a up to this child the child's going to find the off on their own that's that's not the outcome you want so i guess the answer is you need to go on your own internal journey and see how you can help your child the next level what if the they don't have open communication the child and the parents and the child is basically doing things on their own where they're trying to find children and the parent feels that they need to be involved the child's going rogue the there's part of why the child's going rogue may be because the parents i'm not i don't want to say this with any judgment on the parents because every situation is different but it might be and this is something for parents to to look at themselves in and to question themselves and maybe speak to the child's therapist slash rebbe or whoever whoever is involved is there something that i can do it with something that i'm not doing that's causing the child not to confide in me maybe the child is not confiding because i haven't done this internal work and i'm not making room for my child but if all else fails i i think the best thing we can do as a parent is to help them find somebody that that that can work with them if there's a rebbe that this child if there's a therapist that's his child's comprise and if there's a rob that this child can confide in but to work behind the scenes if my child is that's it they they don't trust me they don't want to talk to me they've gone rogue don't relinquish your responsibility as a parent maybe you need to be a parent from a distance and just help help find somebody who could guide them okay let's get to the next question next question is a powerful one uh i don't know who wants to answer this first but uh here we go my daughter's about to get engaged i just found out from our close friends of his from her that this boy from the age of 16 to 18 had a girlfriend a should that affect the shadow b should i tell my daughter about it this is a good therapist question the the answer to both i mean should it affect the shidduch and should i tell my daughter i mean first of all it shouldn't affect the like yes it should affect the sugar but that doesn't mean that you mix the up because of this should i tell my daughter absolutely yes that that's that's the first question is yes you know the first you know yes it affects the now let's see what to do the second question should i tell my daughter yes period she needs to know this this is this is her this is her shirt this is her life this is she has to she has to be part of this decision now in terms of should it affect the though what does it mean i don't know can mean a lot of different things it really means a lot of questioning that has to go on what happened between 16 and 18 that he was hanging out with girls i had a girlfriend from 1613 can mean many different things and what happened him since he was 18. i i would also want to know i mean there's a lot of open pieces on this this uh this question is the boy 21 or is he 25 let's let let's assume he's 25 let's go down that route he's 25 he's he had a few a year or two that he was he was hey you're trouble teen but now he's a good boy right so so the the reason why your daughter needs to know is because she needs to be comfortable with this even let's say 16 to 18 he had these troubled years and you've done so now you really what it means is it means you have to do a lot more research like what happens it doesn't mean no it means you need to do a lot more research and what happened then and what's been going on since then even if from the age of 18 to the age of 25 he became an enormous addict and there's really nothing lasting from that your daughter still needs to know just is she comfortable with it there's a comfortability piece that's that's that she just has a right to know that if you as a parent know that your daughter has a right to know that but if the boy is 25 chances are he you know that there's if everything else we're talking about at the late stage in the sugar i forgot what the question was is she engaged or it's a late stage saying they're about to get engaged obviously there's a lot of really really good qualities about this boy and we don't necessarily know once when somebody gets engaged we don't necessarily know all the avails that have gone on in their life up until that point um i i've been involved in many stylists you know people who have come to me for therapy when they were 16 17 18 19 years old and then when they were 23 24 25 asked the shiloh whether they have to divulge certain information and very very often the stock goes along the lines of the rev will call me up and say what's happening you know is what happened affecting what what affecting who this person is now very often the answer is yes and very often the answer is no and that's really what you want to know the fact that he had a girlfriend from may mean that it may have nothing to do with who he is now if anything it may mean he's a better person right now because he's really really worked on himself and he's he's turned himself around so you and your daughter have to be involved in that decision royale you want to add on to this okay okay let's go into another topic over here very interesting one my son is in his high 20s and he's been dating for a while an extremely picky person and expects perfection or very close to it from his future spouse how do i explain to him that marriage and people are just not perfect somebody asked me this question today live okay so i think it's extremely important if you have open communication with your child i think that is a great blessing and this is the opportunity to really have a frank intimate vulnerable and open conversation about it because this is so important in life we all know that there's no spouse who is perfect because you're not perfect either and life is not about seeking perfection but it's really about really having the ability to connect to a person despite and with their imperfections and the more we can bring our imperfections into the shidduch the more powerful the marriage is because really it's the weakest links in the marriage when they're brought into the relationship that become the strongest links in a marriage meaning if i can only speak with my spouse about those things that i'm proud of that i put on my resume our relationship is pretty weak it's when i can bring into the relationship my weaknesses my embarrassments my insecurities my fears my disappointments my scars my wounds my pain my anxiety my vulnerable parts my skeletons that is what makes a marriage so powerful because don't this don't remember the principle those things those elements in your life that potentially cause you to drift away from your partner if you harness them into the relationship they become the strongest point of the relationship let's say i have an insecurity or i have a trauma that naturally instinctively could make me drift away from my spouse and i can bring that into the relationship talk about it get support for it there's empathy there's understanding then that very weakness becomes the deepest catalyst and springboard for the most powerful relationship if you want the phraseology of gemara it's what rish locker said in this base that when you do chuva out of love your sins become mitzvahs this dynasty those very acts that distanced you from hashem become those acts that bring you closest to hashem that's what life is about that's what friendship is about that's what marriage is about and therefore i think this is the type of communication we want to have with our children you're not looking for the perfect person there's no such a thing there's no perfect person those who are perfect don't come down to this world they're angels you don't want to marry an angel often when i do huppas when i do marriages here's a little secrets from behind the curtains so the glass gets broken and we say mazel tov mazel tov so i take the mic and i say what's the mazel tov this glass cost fifteen dollars why are you saying mazel tov on the breaking of the glass we're remembering your shall i am the base i'm interested what's the mazel tov so i'll tell you the mazel tov is this you know the color standing under the chopper she's looking at her hassan he looks perfect impeccable flawless but we tell her listen my dear color sooner or later this guy is going to start breaking things and you know what you do when your husband starts breaking things you have to be able to say mazel tov thank god i'm not married to an angel i'm married to a real person who has ups and downs and we can hold each other's hands and grow together this is what you want to communicate to your children because this is what real life is and this is the joy and excitement of life taking our imperfections taking our vulnerabilities and mobilizing them and harnessing them and allowing those very weaknesses to become a springboard for our deepest connection and loyalty we have a live question before we take a live question i was just thinking when we asked the question before about one of the most important qualities you would look for to should have somebody once told me a joke if you could pick two of the three qualities in a shidduch what would you pick it could be mental health beauty or money you could pick two of the three what would you choose rabbit lamb he said he would take a double dose of mental health okay let's go to the live question okay so coming to the practical part first of all i'm enjoying very much everything is so important but it's a time of ms and when every day life happens this is what's going to happen when is the right time and how do we approach parnasso i'm very sensitive to this because i became a widow when i have sons approaching this age and how do i best approach the situation of parnessa is this a question for the for your child um i'm afraid of you know being asked as the other parent is going to come oh oh oh oh oh like when when do we talk about this oh you mean how much money you're going to be giving to the couple i just don't know how to approach this well if the basis of the relationship is money then we have a real problem exactly but i don't think money should be the basis of marriage i mean if i could tell somebody you can get this a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law come as one of the richest families in lakewood or muncie or williamsburg or toronto or chicago right or benebrach okay they're worth 650 million dollars on a bad day okay you have nothing to worry about the barista for life you could be in kylo for 230 years in the mirror but the guy is obnoxious rude self-centered right meshuggah or you can get somebody who barely has anything but they're mentioned you know what are you going to choose so money is great and if somebody has money amazing and enjoy the money but i think if money becomes the basis of a marriage it's ludicrous i don't see any sane parent who would turn that into the most important priority of a marriage it's one again it's wonderful we all want money and money is important and we all want to support ourselves nicely but we have to prioritize on that sense and i just first of all it's in hashem's hand for nasa of course but uh just um to to be practical is like what what would you be doing how are you how are you ready to support i think it's important to be normal and practical to do what is you know accepted you don't want to make the customer caller feel that because they come maybe not from a rich family they can't get what other people get but on the other hand there's no need to be ostentatious and to follow and to copy other people you know it's important we live in a time of integrity of truth this zoom session that usher and menachem started yeah usher told me it started lakewood sunday nights people started to talk on these forums in ways that they didn't speak about for years everything was under the rugs i think here too we have to stop with the social conformity and copying other people and making yourself miserable and borrowing money for no reason i see people investing money in an event that's going to go on for two and a half hours most people who come are not even interested in coming there for what for when stop living an external life stop living lives for other people you want to do things that are meaningful that are inspiring that mean something to the groom and the bride i think it's important to change our mindset you know if there's anything that there's anything authentic about judaism it's about the need to be authentic the need to be real and not stop conforming and just mimicking others so that we in our own imagination can feel that we fit in it's ridiculous what people do to themselves and their children because of that so yes be normal be balanced but don't worry so much about other people's opinions and perspectives it's important that the groom and the bride should should be celebrating this day in in in a meaningful way and sometimes that could mean something very different than what than what other people do i recently spoke to a bride someone from my community and she told me that what she really wants is a very very small private event with people who really really want to be there and that's going to make her happy so why are the parents spending so much money for their own neighbors they're doing it for themselves they're not doing it for their children you know so it's very important to realize where needs are coming from and how real they are we have another live question rabbi we have some i want to jump into financial because you brought it up we have so many questions on that let's take a live question you're on hi uh robbie jacobson and uh i just saw that it's an amazing show thank you uh ashley for arranging it i think this is a question that many many people on the show want to ask this is a crisis i don't like to use the word crisis but what can we do to make it easier for boys and girls to go out on dates to be set up um it seems like many people have thought of this um and haven't come up with a new idea what what do you both um suggest or what can we do to make it easier especially for girls to get dates i'm just a therapist what the question is really asking is that what can we do with the of system i i can come up with a lot of ques when i say i'm just a therapist i here's what i mean i didn't mean it just as a joke i can come up with a lot of different ideas about where the flaws are in the shadow system and where we can improve the shadow system there's a lot of a lot of things that i think would be great to it to institutionalize um i'm not going to say them here because this some of these ideas would be radical and there there would be so much pushback that it would work i'll give one example of something i i thought of a lot it's done for older singles uh it's not done enough but there there are there are meetings that happen it's not it's done a lot for the foresees it's not done enough but there are meetings that take place that you have 10 boys and 10 girls coming together there's a few shots on them there and they do they do it by the older singles they do a lot they do it by all the same i know it's done by divorcees but i don't know what's that things like that but maybe the age could be moved down maybe the age could be moved to 25 or 24. uh these are things that have been talked about they're out there but it's it needs either either a grassroots movement or a top-down uh you know it's interesting it's interesting dr lam that i personally i didn't know you were going to go there but i didn't want to suggest that i personally had a meeting two meetings this week with some asconum and lakewood um and this is one of the things that we came up with and we are working on it and yes we're going to have to go to some higher ups and there's going to be pushback but i think there's so many parents and so many people that want this and that need this that you know you get to a point where you know why continue in something that's not working like you said a system that's not working and when you have girls you know at home for for two three four years without a single day i personally know people so i mean it it makes no sense not to change the system and um and we're working on it though you know it's there's gonna be pushback but we're trying actually this week we i you know i met with a couple people there just on that type of the reason why that type of system could work with the traditional that should have system does not work is that so much so many studios can get mixed because of a piece of information that once you get to know that person that piece of information becomes irrelevant there are there are pieces of information that if you find out that information after the fourth date it's like that's no big deal such a nice guy such a nice girl but if you find out before the first before they meet it's it knocks off the though so you have people who are out there that are not getting dates because there's one piece of information and if in a system like the one we're describing they get to meet first and then the information happens so that's one of that would be one of the advantages of that i would also add huh i would just also add in addition to what you just said to my chazev and you just said our dear guest i think it's very important for parents and leaders and and and lay people to really create grassroots initiatives there are people here we have hundreds and hundreds of people here maybe close to a thousand people i don't know we have couples more than one i'm sure some of you have great ideas don't keep them to yourself this is a grassroots generation we can accomplish a tremendous amount simple people so to speak who are not great rabbis and poe skin and manhigan every person is a leader today take initiative get together with your friends you can create a plan and even if you help 10 people 20 people 100 people helping one soul is already helping the world i'm encouraging everybody i'm sure we have some great ideas instead of just sharing it with your spouse at supper and getting frustrated at the system right i always tell my students in life you're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution so i tell all of you let's not be part of the problem let's be part of the solution you have an idea whatever the idea maybe some people think it's an outrageous idea they don't have to do it but create it get it out there start something and you'll see great miracles happen that way remember that unbelievable lesson the lesson that affects all of history there was a little kid in a little basket in the nile delta either he would drown or starve or be or dehydrated and a princess comes out and she cannot reach him he's too far in the sea and what does she do she stretches out her arm that's what life is about you stretch you know what happens when you stretch out your arm you all know the gemara insight that you learned in school you discover that you have an invisible arm that god extends your arm beyond your reach and little moisture saved and that's why we're all here today i say to all of you you don't have to solve the problem but stretch out your arm you have an idea take initiative discuss it explore it do something about it even if you consider yourself a small and insignificant person that's how things happen i'll just give one little suggestion somebody was in my house an older boy he's in his 30s he dated probably 50 girls the good boy yeshiva boy from a community here in muncie near muncie and he told me that in his community this is what they started to do he said they started to create a database a website you can register and everybody in the community is putting all their information there and that way he says shatchanam sometimes are clueless this is what he told me they're buyers they don't get it they have agendas they decide who's good for whom he said we put all the information on a database and you get to put whatever you want to see whatever you want and that way there's like an open field an open terrain where people can look can examine can investigate there's telephone numbers you can call a friend or a relative to make a direct call it was just a very very interesting initiative and i and he told me that it's it's you know he has a lot of friends who have found their shidduchim that way so these are things that are completely not against talaka they're completely in the realm of of sneeze of modesty of respect and yet they can be very helpful let's think out of the box okay right away there's a bunch of topics here we didn't cover yet i really want to cover a lot more ground rubber lamb you ready let's do a little financial because she brought it up um i have questions let's do both both versions the issue i'm finding is when my son is being read a shidduch from a very poor family even though i know they're amazing people and the girl is a great girl as well i'm feeling i feel like saying no for two reasons a because the wedding expenses will be a big problem and follow my head b i prefer my son marry someone with a little bit more financial stability so it doesn't all fall on us or the young couple what i say to you is you know obviously it's a personal question but the bottom line is this marrying somebody with money is certainly nice not only for the wedding expenses for the continuation of life but i think in the priorities if you find somebody who can be an amazing soul mate for your son or for your daughter in my mind i would embrace that enthusiastically if there is money wonderful to make that the issue whether to say yes or no in my mind i would be very cautious about it maybe you know your daughter is 18 or 19 and you think you still have a lot a lot of choices and a lot a lot of options so you have the luxury to choose okay i understand that notion but generally speaking if you have a person who's a real real quality person a real mensch and your son or daughter you feel is going to be able to have a really meaningful inspiring loving and tremendously uplifting life with this person i would be very very cautious to reject it just because just because it's a poor family that's my opinion okay the next financial question our family is one of the more wealthy families in our circles i feel that almost everyone says yes to us but not based on my child for who he who he or she is yeah but rather because they want to have the financial backing as we are starting our second shidduch i don't know what to do [Music] yeah sometimes it's sad but sometimes i mean that's part of human nature we smell money and we get very excited i once said the the posix says evid lovely ishmael a borrower is a slave to a man who lends so somebody once asked me should have said avid louisville amalva why evid lively ishmael the answer is simple the borrower is not a slave to the lender that makes sense he's a slave to the man who knows how to lend even if i never got a penny from you the fact that i come in and i see you're sitting at the head table i'm already feeling subservient that's the falsehood of life even though behind the money you know there may not be much substance there so i think it's so important to be able to know that people are that way and it's your responsibility to search for the right person for your son and daughter somebody who's gonna marry them not for the money there are such people you'll be surprised but there are a few such people in the world who actually we care about money we all cherish money but some things are more important than money and that's what you want to search for you have to search for it and i don't think you should think that everybody you know one of the problems i have a wealthy friend so he once told me i don't trust anybody whoever tells me good shabbos i believe they're telling me good shabbos because i have money so i said you know what it's not only about them it's also about you you think that your whole identity is money and therefore you think everybody thinks your whole identity is money but there are people who are not that way yes you should be cautious not everybody who smiles to you is your best friend but don't think that everyone is so consumed by your money like you're consumed by your money we're not all completely drunk on your money just just remember that too you know live question you're on hey thanks so um thank you very much i'm new to this first time so i'm wondering as far as doing research i know of course the questions have to be based off of what are the priorities to my child and i definitely tried to get the general feeling as uh rabbi was saying about the avira but it would also be helpful to have a basic framework to use to go through asking questions in like a systematic way after asking open-ended questions as some people don't answer so much they ask for specific questions i'm wondering if there's like a list i can work off of or something i do tend to freeze up when i need to call to do research you can hire rabbi lam as your personal uh checklist guy you do that as a side service right i think you said you freeze up when you make that phone call how about making a list sit down and really make a list and keep in mind everything we've been talking about keep in mind the open-ended questions i think one of the things you want to keep in mind is not there's not just the rule book of questions but who is your child if you have a son in shidduchim what do you want to know when you make this list what do you want to know about this person vis-a-vis your son in terms of their personality if your son loves certain kinds of conversation if he loves certain kinds of activities if he loves you want to gear your conversation if you know your son has a certain type of personality you want to gear your questions towards who your child is but i i would suggest that you're sitting down and making that list that's i don't know of any structured list that that would probably be a good idea right i'm saying to to like work off of yeah i mean i that's what i was wondering if there's some some kind of general list that i can then tweak and then obviously personalize for my child i would google it i don't know there must be something after yeah okay okay let's get into a little bit mental health it's a very big topic i know again before we start this this is not there's not an answer for anybody it's a general concept so nobody should take it literally but there's a lot of questions that come with mental health and i really want to cover some ground um let's talk with you rabbit lamb okay my son is getting ready from an amazing top girl top seminary top of class she's the best of the best the best she's currently in college becoming pharmacist i just found out that her mother suffers from mid-level depression should i mix this up just for that don't we all have some issues is this something to be concerned about so i think the answer to this is similar to some of the other questions we had before should i mix this up just for that no but should i start a whole new round of research and make sure that and just see what that means i mean that that her mother had a low level depression a mid-level depression that could mean so many different things what was and the questions i would ask at that point what impact did that have in the family what impact did it have in the girl what impacted what does that mean mid-level depression does that mean for three weeks she was depressed what does that mean for five years and she was on medication or hospitalized it it could mean so many different things but there's another there's another point of it there's also some genetics you were very nervous about also what was that is that somehow the hereditary that you know because parents have something um mid-level depression i i wouldn't worry again if if this was something that the mother suffered suffered lifelong depression okay maybe that would be a concern the mother was the press for a couple of years i don't know that i would worry about about genetics on that i don't know that i would worry about giving it over to the child i would be worried i wouldn't be worried about the nature i would be worried about the nurture what impact did it have on the home that's really where the questions should go there uh depression is one of those mental illnesses that is can so easily be circumstantial and very often is and to to worry that a parent was depressed and therefore the child is gonna you know become depressed that's not where i would place the concern if everything else seems to be okay okay boy do you want out of that okay that's a good question okay let's go to the next question my son wants to go out with a girl the issue is her parents had a very messy divorce we have a normal stable family should i consider robert it's a good question i think it's a good question and and i'll explain why it's an important question and why we have to be sensitive about it the fact is that consciously and sometimes unconsciously we continue the story of our parents and those things become ingrained in us if i grew up in a home where the marriage was very unstable there was a lot of fighting or just mistrust or betrayal or insulting or hatred and negativity and ended up in a very messy and ugly divorce even if consciously i tell myself i'm not going to live that way but sometimes unconsciously when i go into a relationship that which i have learned in my youth is what i model even if i don't want to it's just how my neural pathways are functioning so i say this because i think we have to be honest about it and conscious about the problem that when i'm dating this person when your child is dating this person you have to know that there is an issue here sometimes if we come from such a family you know people who come from a family where there's no divorce there's a lot of stability when they get into their first fight and second fight and 10th fight and 20th fight with their spouse it's like of course we're going to work it out my parents didn't fight we worked it out but the other one it's like again consciously or unconsciously is why am i living with this person my mother got rid of her husband let me get rid of my husband and it can create a whole different paradigm so i think it's so important to be able to make sure that this child of the messy diverse really worked it out inside of themselves to the best of their ability to really create a different type of life for themselves in the question you said we come from a very healthy stable family in these questions in general when we're i said before that that we're looking it's a journey for ourselves as parents who who i am plays a vital role in many of these questions and especially the mental health questions when i'm looking at problems in other families and i'm going at the s what people are saying about me and my family it's just an important it's another piece in the puzzle that has to put out there i also want to add that i know many couples who come from both both spouses come from homes where there were very very dysfunctional broken marriages very messy divorces i i could list in my head ten different couples that i know of who come from homes where both sides had extremely difficult marriages and they have beautiful marriages i just want to put that into the picture it could be done all these things there's definitely reason for caution there's definitely reason for asking a whole bunch more questions there's definitely a reason for the reset but but it's not something like the term should we just mix the up it's it's something to look into if everything else seems to be okay i want to ask you about why i was opinion because i think gravity might have some bias to this but some people are texting what what is what does the rabbi think about premarital therapy mr lam has shared with me in previous occasions that he wishes every casa nancala would come for premarital therapy and even if they don't want to do it when they're engaged but at least right after they get married and he told me you know he said that there was i mean he could share the story himself there was a husson and kala they were married and they were getting into these disagreements and they came for therapy and it took one session it took one session and maybe you want to share that story what happens with most couples is they wait 10 years and after 10 years it's not the original problem anymore it's another 1.1 billion problems that have compounded over these 10 years so maybe you want to share that story i think it's it's one point it's not premarital therapy it's i'm not i'm actually not that big of a fan of premarital therapy because i find that i've done it a lot and i find so many of the things that we talk about in premarital therapy go in one ear and come out the other they're not in that place where they could hear that this is going to be a problem i would be more of a fan of if i if i could design the the marriage structure i would say two to three months after the wedding every single couple should come in and sit down and talk with a therapist every single couple like that should be the the standard routine not pre-marital but two three months later when when when the therapist stops saying when you know they know exactly what the therapist is talking about yeah i know exactly what you mean um but the the case that robert jacobson is referring to is when couples come in two three months after the wedding and there's a major problem you could lit sometimes you could fix it in one session because it's oh okay oh so we just have to do this and do that 20 years later it's it's a whole different story because problems have piled up upon problems the only time i've had situations where i was able to solve something in one or two sessions was like a month or two after the way beyond that it doesn't work okay one more question let me jump into one more question a little bit more sensitive uh on mental health and again we're just as a question let's globalize it but it's a very important question my daughter is a regular from stable girl she's being read a guy who's also great from stone yeshiva nice family one small caveat he was an anti-anxiety medication for a while when he was 15 years old because he was going through a hard time should that's something that i should really say no to for sure because he himself was on the medication i no you should not say no but i think your daughter should have a conversation with him about it and maybe you should do a little bit more research about what he was going through but a 15 year old being on anxiety could be so many different things it could be serious it could be there was something really major there or it could be an over eager psychiatrist you know it's this really you really want to research that good i wouldn't throw away a good boy because of being on into anxiety medication at 15. i wouldn't but i would but again like so many of the other questions we have it's something to research it's something to ask questions about okay i mean i think we'll do another one or two questions then okay then we'll go to closing sorry yes actually one of the reasons the share started everywhere if you remember the person that reached out to us originally was about shubha and he had a very hard time in the shidduct world maybe rabbi could uh emphasize this a little better basically somebody wrote in the question that i'm about trooper for about about five years ago i don't have any from family or really people to guide me can the rabbi please address this issue any ideas or tips would be very much appreciated i feel like i'm going through this dating in this circle by myself yes it's a very important question i also want to say rebel usher i see on the chat a shotgun posted for the woman who asked a question before a list of like 15 questions to ask so you could tell her i told her the email i'm going to put in touch yesterday our list somebody else also posted a very good idea just from putting it out there because hundreds of people listening that dario sharon should take an intake and every person that does their blood tests of basic information so there could be a massive database of so it's a very interesting concept sorry back to the mobile question right so the balchuva is in a vulnerable space because the balchuva whether it's a he or she you know you didn't grow up in the community you don't have that large extended family you don't have the protects you you don't have all those connections you don't know the ins and the outs and you also want to make sure you're doing the right thing there's also the social conformity pressure and all of this really could create a difficult and sometimes a toxic situation so i'm going to say three simple pieces of advice first of all you have to have a good and honest support system you have to have one two three four five people who you trust whether it's it's it's women men friends colleagues a rabbi a rabbitson a mashipia a mentor a therapist but a few people who know the community whom you can trust who you can be vulnerable with who you can get good feedback from that's so so important number two don't belittle yourself you're a balchuva you're a courageous soul you have a lot of resilience you have a lot of integrity you have made a lot of sacrifices for truth for god for judaism respect that in yourself you have a lot of common sense probably respect that in yourself in other words don't fall prey to the comment of every single person in other words make sure things resonate don't just you know try to copy everybody else because this is what everybody else does it's important for you to be to be informed to be educated to be true to yourself and number three remember that as a baltruva you also bring something very special into the mix you actually teach people who are from from birth the value of fighting for yiddishkait what it means to fulfill that commandment of rama venus so as much as you want to learn from the people in your community that people in the community also need to learn from you and have to learn from you and i'm not sure who has to learn more from hope so those are i think important points to remember in this entire process but it's so important to be able to have a support system and to be able to get feedback and honest feedback and to be proud of yourself and not to uh to compromise because you're calling yourself a balchova we're all god's children and nobody's blood is redder than anybody else's blood let's go to one last question very very very should have in the beginning more uh but it's a very important question and then we'll do a live and then we'll go to closing my son is dating someone we don't feel his right friend or you know the girl's dating somebody that we think is actually very bad for them um should we tell them that he's making a big mistake and try to convince them out of it at the point they're already ready to get engaged what i would say i i would love to remember what i would say is it is so important and i'm going to paraphrase president kennedy during his inauguration address ask not what your child can do for you ask what you can do for your child why are you opposed to this you have to be very honest with yourself sometimes people are opposed to a shidduch because it's a pastness for the family i expected my daughter needed to come from such a fa needs the husband from this and this type of family i'm not thinking really about my daughter about my son i'm thinking about myself of course i blame it on god i blame it on the religion i blame it on yichus i blame it on your i blame it on everything but the real issue is i am spiritually smug i am spiritually arrogant and pompous i am not developed i am not a worked out person i feel that my children are a nachos machine i wanted to look good for the pictures and the chevy brachas i want to come the day after the vart to the base madrish in the morning that's what i'm looking for you know what it feels good and if you get such a sugar wonderful but ask yourself a real question is this what you need is this what your mother-in-law needs or is this what your child needs where is my opposition coming from this may not be an easy question to answer this takes inner work you may have to discuss it with some objective people who are ready to challenge you and tell you the truth on the other hand if that position is coming from the fact that you're worried about your child maybe you see mental illness maybe you're observing red flags serious maybe you're observing personality disorder maybe you're observing serious trauma mental disorders maybe you're observing something that's maybe very toxic for your child who may be naive innocent eager to get married then you have a responsibility to get involved there was a parent who told me yesterday that he had a child who was dating and he saw all the red flags but he decided to overlook it because he wanted the shidduch to happen and ultimately they had to get divorced because it was just it was a very serious situation so when you're seeing something that could be very problematic you have a responsibility in a wise respectful kind and empathetic way to help your child see what is going on and and do whatever you can to to make them make the right decision for their long-term future just just add to that i agree with everything you said but and that in that process you have to realize yes you have to be there and and try to you can't just stand back you have to get involved if you really feel if you've done the introspection you really feel there's something wrong but here's the but trying to you say the question was it's right before they're ready to get engaged should i tell my child right that was the question those are the words should i tell them to break it up when a child is ready to get engaged there's not much you can tell them it's like trying to stand sometimes i mean sometimes depends if there's just an amazing relationship with the parent and the child and child just trust whatever the parent says fine but more often than not it's like standing in front of a locomotive and trying to stop it like this that that's what you may be trying to do so stay there telling them may be totally ineffective and just going to create tremendous friction and even if it ends up breaking up but this child's child might say you know what i respect my father i'm not going to go ahead with this because my parents don't want it so i'll break it up you don't even know what kind of pain might come out of that and what the repercussions and the resentment and there's this so there's so big of a price that they really so it's not about telling them and stopping it it's about sitting down with your child and really really talking this through and see if you can get him to the point of seeing what you see it might be a long conversation it might be involving other people but just telling them to stop it even if you have the power to do that even if you have the stop it do it do it with you need to try to get them on board and get them to see it your way okay let's go to the last live question go you're on how are you hi um i have a question about mental health and dating so for example let's say someone who you know like i i've been going to therapy for a long time and i think therapy is very important so i would i would want to go out with someone or definitely marry someone that also you know has those views but i find that you know a lot of people are not like oh i don't need therapy like they just think like oh they're okay but really they have all these things that are underlying and this and that and then they don't even realize it and like i don't know for me it's very important so it's like how how do you go about that knowing and then you know you might meant if i might mention that to a shotgun or to someone who's setting me up and be like well oh but he's a good boy or whatever like like how how would i go about that because i mean i didn't really start dating well you need a shopkin who was also going to therapy like you know like you should segregate therapy not therapy differently should also give in the resume do they go to therapy then we can deal with them i'm not sure that it depends on the shock depends how you know who the shotgun is but i'm not sure it's so important to phrase it that way to the shot i need a date a boy who is ready to go to therapy who has been to therapy what you do want to talk to the shot say to the shotgun is that i am looking for a person with whom i can have a very honest and open relationship somebody who's interested in working on themselves on their midis exploring who they are in a very authentic way which basically means this let's face it with respect to mr lam there's no mitzvah to go to therapy it's not like a mitzvah we wake up in the morning we go to yoga pilates disagree and therapy i don't think it's one of the ten commandments it is a mitzvah it is a mitzvah to be real to be authentic to be introspective very often that can happen in an environment of therapy right you may meet a boy who's his own therapist or he has a rebbe who's a tremendous mentor for him or a mother or a sister or an uncle or somebody else you know there are people who might know great people their daily therapy was davening they darvened for two i know i knew jews i still know they could dive in two hours a day and talk to god like you talk to your best friend and for them that was the deepest form of therapy they were real they were authentic so that's really the focus i don't know you know yes if it may be practically it'll end up that he went to therapy he wants to go to therapy but the phraseology is not so important as is the quality of what you're searching for i think i would agree with everything you just said and i think it's more of a general theme over here these are the kind of things you don't have to talk about to the shotgun at all you know we thought robert was saying you're looking for somebody who's real that then you get down to a level of detail where you you define real as let's say you want somebody regardless of what reward says you want somebody who went to therapy right that's your thing that nobody has to know that besides you and the boy you're dating that's it this is a discussion that comes out on the dating um and and nobody else that at the level of shotgun at the level of parents that doesn't have to be there those are the things that come out of the level of dating okay just to mention also it's going to be a share for girls after pesach so we'll see you there mr shannon it'll be a shift from boys march 22nd okay let's go to closing very powerful share tonight um okay huh somebody just texted us for the girl who just asked whoever's your girl who yeah they'll come back email coach monaco is she dating already not yet do you want to make a that's now somebody said that she has an idea for her she should email coach monapham so let's let's look everywhere every time you come on there's another that's something happening one way or another i think i think maybe the solution to the shidduch crisis is we should do this a few times a week and during these sessions will be a shidduch and we can uh we can go to the cooper pretty soon all right try ten thousand dollars of i'm letting you know first of all aggressive have land for coming on tonight giving us uh i mean people are texting this is such a need to cheer i mean people are in departure we we we touched on it there's obviously so much more to go and that's true we'll try to cover ground you were the one who really put it together and giving them so much inspiration downturn of advice and let's show them again just be repetitive march 22nd could be a share from boys if anybody who knows in departure going today or is dating please tell them to come and we wanted to be interactive the questions will be focused for the people for the boys dating i want to thank again our corporate sponsors ashley markland for sponsoring us and for um and for ocean spray breeze my friend uh what's his name and emotions great from lakewood really appreciate it and also another thank you to ok clarity ok clarity is online platform mental health support the jewish community their platform you can find best therapists coaches nutritionists engage reforms stay inspired nanaka will email the link at the end again this coming sunday march 14th we have an amazing program rabbi chase powell we have shimon russell for american cheryl discussing the surprising truth about the problems that we all deal with so you have to come to really find out what that is try to come early um everything tonight's record it's going to be on manhattanville.com and chairman is going to upload it to the shiva.net and everybody you know if you know anybody that could benefit from the two senate let them watch and share it's tremendous everybody has any questions um a few people are texting reverend land do you have an email that people that people could email you or contact you well i will put it on the chat right now i guess from the chat that will send an email because some people want to contact you you want to contact rabbi yy you can look up his email it's time it's not a secret and you can send him an email he's backlogged tonight's share share number 45 it's all pre-recorded it's all recorded it's going to be on the phone number 848 777 grow again especially thank you to advertising sponsors lakewood school robbie young from kazakh this is mikasa from cll live and kyla kaufman from jcn closing words from coach monapan thank you very much for watching bosher for controlling for doing such a good job now now with all this information boxing we covered a lot and there's much more to cover now with all this information we have to go out and actually live we're living in this school of life and when it comes to mice these topics are really uh raw and emotional your emotions your kids emotions and and sometimes you think this is it's hard it's for life who knows we're not sure but many people go through a lot of different things in life and they feel they're on a roller coaster in general and when it comes to subdue them it adds just adds a little more to the to that roller coaster but we need to remember that the roller coaster has tracks we're sitting there and it's on tracks and like we heard that when it comes to shidduchim usually we see it more openly that it's really not playful to me and we really have to rely on hashem so just just like we dive until now we have to continue being as powerful for our kids and for their spouses hashem amen this was this was amazing this was really amazing thank you the questions were really beautiful questions thank you everybody for asking the questions um there about 30 other questions going on in my mind so there's so much more to talk about i think this was a great great start i always say we cover we we we scratch the surface yes yes but the scratches in a very good way this was this was and then thank you so much for really thank you so much for having me here it's a privilege to be part of this thank you rebel huawei yes so first of all uh thank you very much thank you remember thank you especially to everybody who joined us all the parents fathers and mothers and for sharing i also want to personally invite all of the young men the bakram whether you're in the middle of dating you're planning to date you're after dating but you're in the story of shidduchim please join us monday march 22nd we chose this day because most of the yeshivas already are on break for pesach so that's march 22 testness and 10 o'clock p.m on this zoom session it's going to be especially for boys not for parents i mean parents can listen in but it's for boys and after pesach for girls i just want to conclude with this i think um basic but important piece of advice to parents and that is to my doorstep or i should say my email box come on enormous amounts of marital issues and one of the biggest biggest painful things that i see is when somebody in the relationship is just not a mensch there are going to be disagreements there are going to be disputes sometimes very serious ones there's a certain percentage of marriages that don't work out even if they do work out it comes with strife and difficulty it is so important to do whatever we can to make sure that our daughters-in-law our sons-in-law are above all mentioned what do we mean by a mensch a mensch means simply somebody who's civil who's nice who's kind who has years shamayim they have fear of god to do the right thing they're not cruel they're not sadistic they're not barbaric they're not malicious now you say even malicious people inside they're broken perhaps everybody's broken inside but it's very very important the menstrual what often happens is you know we focus on a lot of things that are beautiful and amazing and we sometimes don't look at that and i'm saying look at that it's so important you want your daughter your son to be married to somebody who's just mentioned who's a real good good person god forbid god forbid we all know divorce situations when two people are civil it's a whole different story not that we're planning for divorce god forbid but the point is whatever happens in life you want to be dealing with a person who's upright who you could speak to who will make compromises and even if he or she is upset but it's going to be normal it's going to be balanced and there's going to be a kindness and a hazard there that is so critical i send you all my love and blessings to be able to have tremendous knockouts from yourselves from all of your children and all of us should be able to see our children build beautiful inspiring uplifting homes filled with bracha and serenity and love avas hashem abba satyar abhis this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyoshiva.net donate