Chai Lifeline - Rabbi Sruli Fried MSW

good afternoon Reed here from K Lifeline we are all broken and shattered from the horrific news that we heard yesterday there are no words and we literally cannot wrap our brains around it at the same time our hearts go out for the families and friends involved we cannot imagine what this time must be like for them there have been things said by mental health professionals advice shared and insight shared about warning signs Etc and it's important to reach out to mental health professionals if you feel that you need that help here at K Lifeline we would like to focus specifically on children and how children react and what do we say what do we not say how do we reassure children our children during such a difficult and challenging time but I think before we speak about what we tell our children how we say it and how we reassure them I think there are three important factors that we need to keep in mind first we can't project our feelings onto our children as difficult as this moment is for every single one of us we can't get support from our children that's why we have spouses friends that's who we break down to that's who we cry to share our feelings and we're here for our children to reassure them two children have a total different sense of timing and context they may be out there playing and caring about what they're getting for the start of day camp and camp and really not focused on what happened but they may need you in a week and two weeks and three weeks from now when they hear certain details and that's when some of what we're going to be discussing needs to be implemented three children are very resilient they can deal with a lot our children will be okay as difficult and as challenging as this moment is at this time now let's speak about what you tell children how do you tell to them and some of the emotional reactions that children have at such a time and there are three words that I would like you to keep in mind when having a conversation with your child and that's what how and why mommy what happened tati how did it happen mommy tati why did it happen and let's go through this what happened sadly there was a devastating tragedy that happened and two young children when if teras they passed away there's no need to shear and we should stay away from sharing gory details and there's no need to share more with children if they are not asking or discussing it with you so what happened can be very should be very age appropriate concrete for younger children no need to go into specific details or gory details Etc but if children ask Mommy tati how did this happen how does such a horrific thing happen the first step is you want to make sure that you want to hear from them first what do they know what did the children hear who did they hear it from you want this conversation happen in the Safety and Security of home you don't want children just having rumors and discussing it with friends rather you want that conversation to happen in the presence of you as parents so hear from them first what do they know and if they heard the details of what happened it's important not to deny because then children may not trust you but rather to respond and say rify Mishi mommy heard the same I don't know the exact details the details are horrific it's something that never ever ever happens and sadly it happened here to such beautiful two little children but make sure not to deny if they're not if they're not going to trust you therefore because of it so you can say a I heard the same thing B don't Focus on the details and three make sure to stress what a rear occurrence this is which brings us to the third and final Point why did it happen and when we ask questions of why that's an emotional question children are looking from RE for reassurance to make sure that their world is a safe secure place and it's important to stress and say that not only do these things don't happen people have challeng Alles all the time mothers have challenges fathers have challenges we have good days we have hard days we have tougher days at work in yiva ETC this is not a reaction that ever happens this is a comes from an illness that literally never happens cuz even when people do have illnesses and mental health illnesses this is not a reaction so to be able to stress that and how unique different and some something that almost never happens and there are three words that we keep in mind that when we speak to Children about emotional reactions in such a tragic situation one is to validate their feelings two is to model appropriate reactions and three is to reassure to validate the feelings meaning that when the child says it's so sad or it's so scary the is to be able to say yes that's a normal reaction in times like this model appropriate reactions meaning that Mommy and tati feel the same way when we heard about it we cried now we said in the beginning not to get support from your children which means we can't be hysterical in front of children but we could show if they're crying that it's a normal reaction and that we cried in a controlled Manner and three is reassurance reassurance means but this is something that's not part of life this is not normal This Is Not An Occurrence that ever happens reassurance means that your world is a safe secure place reassurance means momy and Tatia here for you if you have any questions please feel free to reach out May we only Shear Sur and we shouldn't know of any tus and if any of you have specific questions please feel free to reach out to the High Lifeline crisis line at 855 327 4747 may we only share Titus