When a Man Stops Running Feel More Hide Less the Truth About Men and Healing, Moshe Haim Srour #260

Hi everybody, welcome to coach this beautiful Sunday night February 15, 2026. Tonight I share 260. Thank you all for joining. As I start every week u thank all the people for posting on the statuses letting people know about it. As I say it's a place to speak through things. Tonight topic is a very powerful topic. Hopefully it'll be very helpful for the men, for the women and for everybody. Um, if anybody wants to join the WhatsApp statuses, please WhatsApp me at 732-314710. We'll also add the community chats and if you want to, you can go to manakim burnfold.com to the website. Sign up to the email list where man sends out the emails every week and all the replays. For all the people that are watching this video on YouTube, click on the subscribe button. So every week posts the videos so you get notified right away and also click the like button. Thank you to all the advertising sponsors of Lakewood Scoop here in Lakewood, Ellen Ariel from Fivetown Central and Kak from JCM from the Jewish Contact Network for always promoting us on all the digital platforms. Um we're going to start off first with our Gatria tonight's share 260. We waited for till now. So let's go. Let's see if we could tie the gamatri into tonight's program everyone to zoom number 260. When a man stops running, feel more hide less. The truth about men and healing. It is our hope through the through this zoom that we able to feel bigger and be stronger people which lead which leads us up for tonight's gamat of 260 go bigger and stronger. >> Okay for that. Okay. And let's just first do with one of the sponsors. Thank you to OK Clarity for sponsoring tonight's program. Okay. Cloud is the largest mental health and wellness director of the global Jewish world. It's a place for anybody to find an amazing therapist psychiatrist, nutritionist and yes even coach coach is there as well. Okl has amazing WhatsApp statuses with many many followers millions of follow 10,000 followers and man will send out the link to clarity.com so you can join the statuses. I think it's very beneficial for everybody to join. A lot of good stuff over there. Again, if anybody's here the first time, every Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. on the Zoom ID, we have different topics, different therapists, different random people, some from who knows where, we have them all over here. So, join, be part of it. It's amazing. And now we're going to turn over to coach. Coach, Sunday night, it's cold. It's We're getting there. We're getting close. Everybody wants to know what tonight's topic, what we're talking about. >> Welcome everyone to another Let's Get Real with Coach. And like we heard number 260 with a lot of here we are in the present moment and we have this to have with us the topic when a man stops running feel more hide less the truth about men and healing basically stopping to run I I think it's not all it's not always only men it's uh the human race there's the world is going so fast so if we can, you know, eventually slow down and see what's going on. Uh I was thinking growing up, we have many, we all pick up an image of what success looks like and where we want to be, what we need to do to feel accepted, to be accepted in the world, to be accepted in in our social circles. And we get to work, we start pushing, we try. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But we have to continue. We keep on pushing. We got to prove, you know, we got to stay on on top. We got to stay afloat. And even when in the outside it's working, it looks like it's working. You know, you could be feel successful, be successful playing the game, you're doing the you're doing the steps. For some reason many times we feel this you know something is missing not satisfied we don't feel content there are struggles relationship and as men many times we have a hard time to express it understanding what's going on understanding what our needs are and that's where we sometimes you know all we can do if we don't know what we're talking about is Just continue. There's an interesting cycle that I see in my world with the men. There are strong men. So many are strong men covered up. I would say they have a mask. There are no ups and downs. They're just fine. You ask them what's going on. Everything is great. It's going. It's working. There are no inner struggles. At least that's what they say. So they're strong in the outside. Then there are those men and again it's not only men you know human beings who are on a journey and uh there are ups and downs and they just couldn't continue you know they couldn't hold it all together now you know eventually they had to figure it out speak to people try to figure out what's going on and see what's going on about themselves what are they looking for and then there are the third the those those men that come out on the other sides strong, vulnerable and not that it's always good. There are ups and downs and they are more in tune. They understand it. But coming out from other sides. So when you talk about somebody being strong, you have to know what strong you're talking about. Is it the before or after? So being a strong man, you know, can mean with a mask or without a mask or depends where they are. So now the question is why and what are we running from? For those who are running and we all have something that's inside of us, what are we running from? What does it look like? If it's something that I never experienced, what exactly am I looking for? And how do how do I get there? So here we are. Tonight is the time to discuss it. We have And and again, it's not only men, but the concept of not being able to be in touch, not being able to understand ourselves. And uh tonight we can slowly slow down, be a little bit vulnerable, try to figure out what is it that I'm looking for, where am I trying to get to? you know, we want to be feel a little bit content in the present moment, but if I don't know what that looks like, how do I know how to get there? So, I want to thank Khan for being with us tonight and let's have a discussion. Let's make it real. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, let's get into it. Okay. Um, tonight's topic 260. I'm going to read your bio. Let's read the first topic. When a man stops running feeling more and feel more hide less the truth about men and healing. Whoa, it's going to be a wild topic. The bio is a hypnotherapist, life coach, breath works facilitator, psychedelic integrator and guide with over 18 years in the field. He's worked with thousands of people focusing on men's work, inner child healing, IFS, and 12step integration. He leads immersed 4-day Beth work retreats under Henei centered on clarity, vulnerability, trust, and surrender and surrender. He has facilitated internationally oriented by Rabbi Yeshua Gean. Moshe integrates Torah with grounded psychological work and is known for his cander, directness, and honest approach. Mosha, right? You're laughing. It's not interest. It's interesting to hear your own bio, right? It's like your own little like cat. That's your bio and we're going to give you the floor. Open it up. Take it away. Wow. Sh. So, thank you so much for having me. really really and um I remember years ago when I started watching uh this program and I said like okay fine one day one day one day so is a dream come true so I really really appreciate it and um yeah when it comes to to this topic why do men hide uh I I I could tell I can tell you why I hide and why some of the people that I've met along the way have I've h have hid and the certain topic certain topics I keep on occurring and certain stucknesses that keep on [clears throat] emerging. Men are really looking for something. Humans are really looking for something for I think the the most consistent truth that I found uh for myself and for others is that we're on this journey to wholeness. We're really on this journey coming home. We're a journey to really feel more fully alive, more fully ourselves. And in that journey of wholeness, in that journey of coming home, in that journey of becoming our own selves, there's we get stuck. We get stuck sometimes while having our eye on the ball, we start running away from pain. And then while we're trying to go home, we start running towards pleasure and we start getting lost along the way. So, the last couple of years, what what I've noticed is that people start to get caught in this in the spinning little ping-pong game that we have sometimes in our head where I want it, but I don't want it. I want it, but I don't want it. I want to go here, but I don't want to go there. And at the end of the day, how do I let go? How do I start to quote unquote control my thinking? How do I stop thinking certain things about myself? How do I stop thinking certain things about other people? How do I stop doing those things that I that I keep on doing that I really don't want to do? Um, and what happens is that we have this certain idea or this certain paradigm or this certain model of of a picture frame in our heads, if you will, of what we're supposed to be, and we don't always fit in it. And then we start to deal with the dissonance of what happens when I don't fit that little picture inside of my head of how it's supposed to be or what happens when my partner doesn't fit um into that picture the way it's supposed to be. And there's there's there's there's [snorts] hundreds and hundreds of people that that have wonderful answers and wonderful techniques and wonderful models of how to uh find this answer and and to to delve into beag the the inner truth and it's an entire industry. So you know uh check your local WhatsApp status. So, when it comes to uh the spin, specifically with the men that wind up finding me, specifically with the people that wind up finding me, where sometimes we don't always want to admit that we're spinning. Sometimes we really want to um get the thing that we want without actually acknowledging the humanity of of of that process. Sometimes I really want what I want, even though there's a part of me that knows that it's not always good for me. So, in my work with addicts and my works with people that um I guess have long have lost their way in in being functional all the time, they they [clears throat] needed a certain model in order to come back to themselves to really come back to themselves in a little bit more of an honest way. So, the first thing when is we have to to even start to talk about such things, it requires a sense of courage. It requires courage. It's scary. It's scary to talk about the things we hide. It's scary to talk about the things I don't want to talk about. It's it's nerve-wracking. It's it's it's vulnerable. And to for a grown man or a grown woman or a person or a human to actually step into the discomfort of actually seeing themselves as imperfect, that that takes a certain degree of courage. We want to to be these perfect beings of light that are always in Hashem's presence always. And sometimes we forget that we are these imperfect perfect beings that are in Hashem's light always. So because we get lost in this idea of our perfect imperfection, [clears throat] imperfect perfection, we get scared. We get scared to acknowledge the different vulnerabilities and that we have going on. And the vulnerability is is it's it's really if you if you look up Webster, it's just it's it's a state of being where there's a possibility that I may be hurt. To actually be vulnerable with another person is to share something where there is a possibility that what I'm sharing can be poked and that's why it's vulnerable. If it was something that I'm ironclad on, it wouldn't be vulnerable. It wouldn't be scary because it's something I'm ironclad on. I'm sharing that two plus two. But if I'm sharing uh that if if I'm acknowledging something that hurts, if I'm acknowledging something that uh is contrary to the way I'm I I would like to be seen, that's scary. So the the two initial steps is one is courage and two it's a courageous choice to acknowledge my own vulnerability. So to actually acknowledge the the the mitsas and sometimes it's the data, sometimes it's something that's going on, sometimes it's the facts of life, sometimes it's what happened cuz we all know that sometimes what happened hurts and sometimes it wasn't if if I could have changed the the history, I would have changed the history. So to actually acknowledge the thing that happened is a state of vulnerability. And we, especially men, we like to package it. We like to package the things that hurt us and put it away in a drawer, put it away in an attic or put it away in the basement and forget it's even there. But it comes time where sometimes I need to clean out the attic or I need to open the boxes that I've hid so well. And that takes a certain degree of courage. So it's and it's not always the data. It's not always what happened. Sometimes it's the way I think about myself. Sometimes it's the different thoughts that I have about myself. How many of us always think that we are we are okay? Sometimes it's I'm not good enough. Sometimes it's I'm not acceptable. Sometimes it's X Y and Z. So the opportunity of vulnerability is how do I step into acknowledging the parts of me that I don't always give myself the opportunity to acknowledge. And sometimes it's a feeling. Sometimes it's it's sadness. Sometimes it's grief. I remember that there was a person that that found me. It was he found he wound up a year a year after his 2-year-old was and he did not get a chance to feel he did not get a chance to to feel the feelings that he that he felt. And [clears throat] sometimes a grown man needs to be with another grown man and say there's a part of me that's feeling. I don't know how to acknowledge that. And the most courageous thing a person can do sometimes is acknowledge what the media is that I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling scared or I'm feeling frustrated and angry. So yeah there the vulnerability is not just what happens. Sometimes it's what I'm thinking about myself and sometimes it's the feeling that I'm feeling when I'm thinking those thoughts about myself. And deep down what do I really want in relationships? How many of us have wants that we carried into relationships and we we start thinking that maybe I don't deserve that or maybe I'm not going to get that or maybe they don't know how to give that to me. So what winds up happening is that we bury that we bury that desire. We bury that want. We bury that ratan for for the person that never thought that he was able to learn that sweet vulnerability that I'm not able to learn. I am no she is satire and all of a sudden once I actually have the courage to actually acknowledge that there's something inside of me that really wants something and from that from that place actually acknowledging and maybe maybe maybe just from that place of sharing decide to do something different. So to stop the spin to stop the spin that I uh that I find myself it takes courage. It takes courage and it takes acknowledging the vulnerability of the moment. And once I start to acknowledge the vulner vulnerability of the moment, then I can start stepping into acceptance because it's one thing to acknowledge what I'm feeling. It's another thing to accept myself when I'm feeling that feeling. So, if you're like me, you've you've probably heard that before where I want to accept myself. I want to accept myself or or he just really wants to be accepted. And it's something that I I remember feeling in in school. I remember feeling it with my peers. I remember feeling it when I was looking in looking in the mirror, you know, maybe even this morning where there's a part of me that wants to be accepted and part of me that wants to belong and how do I learn how to accept myself with the different vulnerabilities? Can I accept myself even when I'm feeling a feeling that isn't always pleasant? that there's a mei and then there's a mei that feels. So for the people that I found along the way that it's one thing to acknowledge the mitsas of of the experience, it's another thing to it's another dar. It's another step to how do I accept myself as as the person that feels the experience. It's a little bit of a step higher, if you will. It's a little bit of a step more. And what I've noticed with men is that it's one thing to feel what you're feeling. It's another thing to accept that I'm feeling what I'm feeling because we don't always want to to to accept the fact that the vulnerability is going on. It's one thing to acknowledge the vulnerability. It's another thing to accept myself with the vulnerability. But what's interesting is that as I start as uh I start to accept myself with the vulnerability, there starts to be a a certain flex, a certain refinement where I'm not just the one that's feeling. I'm also the one accepting myself with the feeling. And then if I'm the one that's accepting myself with the feeling, maybe maybe just maybe there's an eye that's there that I'm starting to notice. And maybe I'm a little a little little bit more bigger. maybe uh I'm a little bit more expansive than just the thoughts or just the feelings. And what happens is that I could start [clears throat] noticing that there's someone there to trust. And at a certain point there's I could trust myself even when I'm accepting myself, even when I'm feeling. Okay, that's a lot. So, I can tell you for me, just being here, it's it's it's nerve-wracking. It's nerve-wracking. I don't know what it's like to look at at a bunch of faces with a bunch of green WhatsApp phones, and it feels scary. And even when it feels scary, there's a part of me that wants to be okay. And can I accept myself even when there's a part of me that thinks that wants to be okay? And can I trust myself when I'm looking at myself wanting to be okay? And slowly but slowly, I could start to draw a little bit more of a of a space between myself and and between my thinking, between myself and the parts of me that just want to run away and go to bed and go home. So, I think that's that's a good opening shiel, if you will. And um yeah. Okay, it's a great opening. We have a lot of questions. Again, tonight's is a topic for men. And obviously the woman listening, we need you to chime in. I'm assuming from everybody on tonight, it's like 99% women. I'm assuming all the men already didn't tune in. But for those few courageous men that are here tonight. Okay, let's go into the polls. Here we go. Everybody answer honestly. Tonight's poll is a little interesting. I want only the woman to answer poll three and the men can answer poll one and two. So, we're asking you women just focus on three. Men, one and two. Here we go. First question. As a man, I was taught emotions are. Which one talks to you? A weakness, something to control, something to ignore, a sign of of strength when felt. Second question, I stay busy mostly to why do you stay mostly busy as a man? be productive, avoid feeling, or feeling in control. And while the men are going to think on one and two because they go slower than the woman, obviously, woman could answer number three. For wives that are watching, when my husband is emotionally uncomfortable, he usually a gets busy or distracted. Oh, take it easy. It's like everybody's voting. [laughter] Number two, shuts down. Number three becomes irritable or defensive or number four ups and opens up and shares. So again for the women that are watching when your husband is emotionally uncomfortable what does he do? How do you see him react? Does he open up and share? Does he become irritable and defensive? Shuts down. Gets bit busy and distracted. Back to the men. We're going to go back slowly. As a man I was taught I was taught that emotions are a weakness, something to control, something to ignore, a source of strength. one felt I don't think any man was taught that but okay you put it as one of the you know answers so anybody answers that you could just leave number two I want to stay busy mostly to be productive avoid feeling or feeling in control so not a lot of questions there give you two seconds I'm going to post in the chat right now coach's link if you want to join the chats and I'm going to also let everybody know if anybody wants to ask a question, please text here in the chat. And remember, live questions go first. Okay. We're going to share the results and as we share them, we're going to discuss them together. Okay. Five. Four. Three. >> So exciting. two. I want to give them, you know, if they want to still think and give another two seconds to answer. Okay, here we go. First question. As a man, I was taught that emotions are 23% of men say a weakness. The number one answer, 63% by far, men were taught that emotions are something to control. 13% to ignore and 0% the source of strength and the felt. So basically most men here tonight feel that if they had an emotion of sadness, depression, anger or sadness, it was something that they had to control. What's your uh take on that? >> How's that working out for you? Um so we relate to emotions the way it was modeled for us. So if every time my sadness was rejected or tried to control, chances are that sadness isn't safe for me. If every time I was angry, I wasn't allowed to be angry, then or I was controlled, chances are I'm going to try and do that every time I'm every time I'm experiencing myself as frustrated. So, especially when it comes to men, we we we model ourselves around the men around us. meaning our fathers, God bless them, are are they they were the models of what masculinity was and how we're going to relate to emotionality. So if my father was this old school sparty where you know emotions are weakness or emotions are something to control and don't tell me I'm angry. Um and then that's that's what winds up being perpetuated. And it's almost like there's this uh trophy that I get if I'm able to control my emotions or if I could just hold it down, hold it down, hold it down. But what happens is it's one thing to be able to control my emotions and not um not express them. It's another thing when I start to dissociate from them and forget they even exist. So, it's one thing to act out of my anger, but it's a completely other thing to forget that that anger doesn't exist or pretend that it's not even there. Number two, I stay busy mostly. I stayed busy mostly to 32% be productive. 25% avoid feeling. 43% to control. So a lot of men I'm talking about control. So you have 43% control. First question is control. Control. Control. What do you say about that? >> Men are very solutionoriented people. So we think the only way we could fix something is by controlling it. And we like we have that inner god complex where we want to we want to make something happen and we want to fix something. And the second there there's something that we don't like a vulnerability or there's something that's yeah let's just say it's something I don't like then it becomes something I I I want to throw myself against. Something about acceptance is that acceptance is not approval. I want to be accepted doesn't mean I want to be liked. You're not going to like everything that that that goes on in life. It's just the matas like I'm not going to like everything that happens but at the end of the day it's happening. So how can I learn how to become a little bit friendly uh a little bit more friendly and accept what is you know there's my business and then there's God's business and and he's running the world. So you know we we we wind up wanting to throw ourselves against it in order to try and to try and control. So, it's not surprising at all, but but I think the deeper concept is we're we're looking for something where we're trying to control it. And sometimes it's to feel better. Sometimes it's so we could get that solution. Or sometimes so things could just be where they need to be. All the boxes could be in a specific row. That way I could finally rest. I'm only going to be okay when my when my shabas table looks the way it looks inside of my own head. And it's and it's and it's nice. It's it's a wonderful fantasy. It's a wonderful wonderful fantasy and then and then life will teach you. >> Okay, let's go to the woman question. For the wives that are watching, when your hus when my husband is emotionally uncomfortable, he usually 18% say he gets busy or distracted. 30% shuts down. 42% the number one answer becomes irritable or defensive. and only 9% opens up any shares. >> Wow. Um, so the defense so the defensive makes sense to me because again I don't want to and I don't know how to be friendly and I'll just use that type of type of way. Um, and I don't know how to be friendly with the parts of me that I'm not actually ready to notice and see. It's going to trigger a sense of error. irritability. It's going to be frustrating when I'm going to to find that and especially when I'm if I'm thinking that it's going to reflect on me a certain way, whether it's the mess in the house or whether it's my my son not showing up to shul, it's going to it's going to poke. And if I don't know how to hold that poke or if I don't know how to metabolize that poke and you know because maybe that poke is triggering my own trauma, maybe that that poke is triggering my own daddy issues. And if I really don't know how to do that, of course I'm going to shut down because some maybe shutting down is easy because maybe I wasn't allowed to express myself. So of course I'm going to shut down. I saw this a lot in the Himaisha community where where there's certain emotions that are not allowed to exist. And of course, I'm I shut down long enough, I'm going to learn how to distract myself because shutting down and doing nothing is really not an option. I'm going to need to distract myself. So, it's really going to be the same person. I know that's me. Just ask my wife. So, um so, uh the shutting down makes complete sense. The getting distracted makes complete sense. The wanting to control something. Absolutely. And when all else fails, I'm going to be irritable and frustrated. So, don't even bother talking to me. And eventually eventually after a day or two if there is a space if there is a space to arrive if there's a space to be if there's a space for for the relationship to exist then then there's a sharing that winds up coming. >> Let's just get into a little conversation with me and you before we get into the live questions. Um >> okay >> let's just let's just clarify some things. Um, >> please. >> So, we are raised in a world that, you know, you got to get up, you got to go to Shiva, you got to do your homework, you put when you're seven years old, you're pushed, not in a bad way. I'm saying in Jewish, non-Jewish, and all versions of it. Um, so there is a sense, yeah, you're tired, you're cranky, you're not in a good mood. We don't, we coddle it today much more than we did many years ago, obviously, and we respect it much more, but can't function when you have everything's about your emotions. So we raise our children to be a little bit stronger than the emotions. So they're teaching them like you know my kid wakes up in the morning I'm so tired I don't want to go to she oh I'm scared to go on the bus okay got on the bus you know not going to have not stay home you're not going to have a malfunction. So we are teaching our children especially our boys to be men right you you have a feeling great not going to invalidate it but life overrides the feelings. So it's very nice you're saying it now as a married man to realize you're sad you're depressed and touch and feel all these feelings but the system the world not our system the Jewish system the world doesn't it it push it shows you can have emotions but it pushes them also at the same time so >> so so I think the word that that I hear when you're talking is the word resiliency I think we're we're we're raising resilient children and I think >> trying to we're trying to >> we're trying to God has please >> I'm saying today the world is pushing so much into the feelings that they're becoming so non-functional. >> So, so everything's about their feelings. >> So, it's not so there's the soft woowoo of oh feeling, oh, feeling, oh, feeling. And then there's a sense of resiliency. So, I think it's somewhere in the middle where I get to acknowledge what's going on. I don't have to pacify everything that's going on. That's why I'm saying acknowledge the vulnerability. I don't have to swim in it. I could wave hello and I could wave goodbye. I could wave hello and I could wave goodbye. Like, my daughter is allowed to be upset. She You're completely allowed to be upset. You want to spin in it. want to wallow in it. We're not talking about that. If you're allowed, like here's a stress ball. You you you you want to shake and jump up and down that you don't want to go go on the bus. Makes complete sense. You're allowed to be angry and then we're going out on the bus anyway because that's just what we're doing. So, I think there's a difference between having permission to feel and acknowledging what you're feeling, waving hello, waving goodbye, and then you get to go and keep on doing what you're doing. So the resiliency is is not just being able to withstand the feeling but also adapt when you're feeling the feeling. So it's so it's so yeah I think I think we're both the same is not in the mood of doing something at the end of the day you're making him resilient forcing him to do it. You are showing him you have a feeling you could acknowledge it and say I know you're sad. I know you don't want to go to school but you're >> I think that's the c I think that's what you and I didn't grow up with. I think what I remember is just being pushed down the assembly line, >> right? >> And then but but what but but what you're saying different now is that nowadays we're doing a little bit of a recognition and we're being able to see them where they're at while we're pushing them down the the the the assembly line. I think that makes all the difference because then they're being seen. Little boy that's not being seen in their anger. It doesn't mean they're they get to that gets to be fully realized and recognized, but I think that's the going to be the nas. I'll I'll take it to to the next level is if we didn't grow up with it many times even though we know that we want to give it to our kids but we don't know how. >> We think we're giving this space that they should be able to acknowledge the emotion and feel it but we don't realize the step number one is to realize what's coming up in the parent. Mhm. >> What's the parent feeling when they hear the child saying, "I don't want to go to school today." If they feel like, "Oh my gosh." And they they lose it even though they don't show it. Very hard for them to give over to that child that the acknowledgement, the validation, and then let them slowly go to school on the bus. So, it's really all about us to see where am I? >> Yeah. >> Here it feels. >> So, so my daughter has this has this thing. She she loves her little her she loves to have her little kittish cup by Kdesh. Yeah. And nine eight out of 10 she's drinking it before kish even starts. And I see my I see myself I see my father in my head that the second she starts drinking like and I stop myself because why am I going to why am I going to do that? She she she's she wants to drink it. And if I get the two out of 10 where she's actually sitting through it then wonderful. So it's like it's it's so where again to just to mirror just to mirror it. Where am mine? Where's the kid? Okay, let's go to some questions over here. I just want to before we even go to questions, one more question I wanted to to before we go into it. >> As an adult man watching this now, right? Anybody who's 19, 20 plus, explain them what benefit do they have by feeling and getting in touch with these emotions because at the end of the day, they only slow you down. If I have feelings and I'm feeling sad, it can push them away. I can be successful. What do I benefit as a person, as a 20-year-old plus, whether 20, 30, 40, whatever, to really delve into feelings. The reason why I think some men don't want to is because it starts opening this vulnerability which is perceived as weakness and it's perceived that's only going to bring out you know what I mean right somebody just texted me people don't care about my emotions it just makes it worse like you know why do that mean >> so not being able to acknowledge a vulnerability is is is is not necessarily strength not being able to acknowledge what happened to you is not strength so where I deal with it is is I I like to deal in parts where there's a part of me that feels this and there's a part of me that really wants to be successful. So this is not about street fighter where the part part of me that wants to be successful is going to beat the part of me that that that wants to sit wants to feel what he's feeling and then only when the part of me that my mind that wants to keep on going is going to beat the part of me that doesn't want to that wants to sit and feel then I'm going to be successful. So, I think that's that's where there there's a mistake for the 20-year-old that thinks that, oh, as long as I don't, as I keep going, then it's okay. There's a part of you that's alive. There's a part of you that's breathing. All right? There's a part of you that exists. And the part of you, chances are it's going to come out. And if it's not going to come out at 21, chances are it's going to come out by the time 42 comes along. And if it doesn't, your kids are going to see it. So, it's going to come out one way or another. It's going to come out. So the opportunity is again it's an opportunity of of just taking a time taking a space to acknowledge what's going on. That doesn't mean you're swimming in it. That doesn't mean it takes you up your entire day and rubbing nothing rights. You got to you got to you got to specify a time to deal with the brokenness. You have to specify a time to deal with something that hurts. That doesn't mean you're going to spend your entire day on it. >> Right. Right. >> All right. That means there's a if there's a part that's hurting, there's a part that's hurting. And if there's a part here, there's a part there's a part that's in pain. The fact that you think that pain is a weakness, that's not a did in pain. That's a den in how you're relating to pain, right? So it's like so to um like there's a lumbus to it because they got to be a lump in because the second I I take apart and say it doesn't matter then that's just me taking apart and throwing it away. So there's no in being able to dissociate myself from a part of myself. No, but if I keep on going, okay, good like like great and then and and then you just wind up paying interest. The one thing I could just my my advice and telling me how old I am by saying that is like one way to look at it is you could look at the older people whether it's your father or your grandfather or parents or older people in the shul and you're like oh these guys are snappy and they're so that's really you in 20 years and 30 years from now when you don't work on your emotional feelings you become irritable and you become you have your mishagasum the feelings opens up a lot of the things inside of you and it makes you a better more feeling person actually it's like it's like eating a steak more enjoyable [clears throat] and flow. You get to enjoy life when you have feelings and you get to understand the feelings versus avoiding them. You're really dodging yourself. I hope that's understandable. >> So that stubborn shell that you see [snorts] in in in older people is grown is harnessed. It it matures and like I remember when I was in my 20s, I was seeing people that were >> that that were in their 40s and like okay fine. There's a stubbornness that that somebody hits in their 40s. Again, not judging anybody who who's there, but like it winds up hardening and maturing and maturing that comes from somewhere that grows out of somewhere. So that which you were judging the older generation that that mama is like it's you. It's you. But like you you're just not hardened yet and it will grow that that hard and shovel most definitely grow. So it's up to you to >> look at like as a young person look how could a guy who's 70 who's 60 so mature his grandkids but he doesn't get his co he doesn't get a shishi or whatever whatever it is and he goes psycho and he's a normal guy >> and that's the hill he's willing to die on and >> that's something that he never was in touch with that it just manifested and it just Okay, let's go. Everybody wants to get into it. Um here we go. Welcome, welcome. >> Hi. >> Hey. >> Um, I have a question. Um, basically coming out I'm in my mid mid midlife and I'm coming out of um pretty significant burnout event which with some and I lost a lot of my sense of myself. So, I was told that I have to learn to love myself and embrace myself. And as as much as I'm trying to read books and listen to ideas of of doing this, it just seems so difficult to grasp how how how do I just love myself? I mean, I'm not sure where the wounds of not loving myself come from. And there are so many voices and teachings that that I've been grown up with that seem to go against any opening for this to just love yourself. So I'm looking for advice. >> So I just want to say one thing. I'm impressed that a man started off the next year would be only woman. So the fact that you're here is already a plus. >> And and this is a real solid question that >> it's a solid question. Yeah. Solid solid question. >> Really an amazing question. There's I I think the way I learned how to answer this question because I used to think I was asked this like years ago is like so do you finally love yourself after all the work after all the therapy and after all the workshops do you really love yourself and it's and it's an honest question. I think a way that I've learned how to tackle it or encounter it or or meet people in it is how do I treat myself with more love? How to love is not this on and off switch. loving myself is most definitely not an on andoff switch. We're always in relationship to ourselves. We're always in relationship to uh how I'm treating myself. So, what what I've noticed is how do I how do I treat myself with more love? How do I treat myself with more grace? How do I treat myself with more um with more care? And the it's going to mean that there's parts of me that I'm not actually caring about. They're not I'm not treating with grace and I'm not treating with with love. So it it takes a certain of well where where can I do what would that look like? What would that look like to treat myself with more love to say I love myself or I don't love myself as as if it's a a black and white thing when it's very very very much gray and it's very much an evolving process. It's almost cheapening it. So it's it really is a continuum of how do I treat myself with more love and how do I treat the parts of myself that need it with a little bit more grace. Whether it's the parts of me that feel, whether it's the parts of me that that are burning out, you know, there maybe there are parts of me that need more rest. Maybe there are parts of me that that need to be spoken with. Maybe there are parts of me that need to be expressed. Um maybe there's part of me that I'm not listening to. You know, if I'm sitting there and I'm I'm burning myself out and I keep on going and I keep on going, I keep on going because there's a certain part of me that's identified with keep on going. There's other parts of me that I'm not listening to. There's a part of me that wants to be heard. there's a part of me that wants to to yeah that that really just wants to be heard. So I think once I start to treat the parts of myself that I wasn't treating with a little bit more dignity then then a shift could happen. And chances are the people around you are going to have a perspective of well what parts of me can I need more love? How can I be more loving to myself? Not do I love myself. Do I love myself? It's almost like a report card. Do I do I or do I not? And um yeah, it's not a report card that I ever did spectacularly well in either. So >> for beginners, for beginners, what where would you send them? I'm saying some modalities, some concepts really for somebody who has never done any work. >> But what does love mean? So it's really what does love mean? Can I sit down? Like love means what? and where love means what from who. Um, so there's a whole workshop that that I do. It's not the workshop coming up, but there's where we like we take apart love as a what does it mean to be a lover? Hashem is a mative. Hashem is a giver. Hashem is a lover. And we're constantly in this uh eb and flow of love from Hashem. What what does it mean to be a lover the way Hashem wants us to be a lover and to give the parts of me that that need that giving? So there's the love that I got from a mother which was this very much that caring holding love. It's that maternal love where where she's able to hold all of me and and we when we think about that we and I I know I want to be loved that way where I want I want to be held. I want to be cared for. And there's also the fatherly love of there's somebody taking responsibility for me. There's somebody holding me accountable and providing for me. So, and there's also the brotherly love where there's that sense of respect and there's a camaraderie. There's also the love of lovers. So, I know it's like, you know, I got very advanced very quick, but how how can I what does love actually mean? Just a definition in terms, you know, cuz people say feeling what what does feeling mean? What is what is what does it mean to actually feel? There's there's a beautiful uh uh process when we when we talk about vulnerability where it's it's really just how what what is what it's it's called the four quarters. What is going on? The first quarter is what's the data? What is the circumstance? I'm experiencing burnout. Okay, maybe that's the data. I'm experiencing burnout. Well, when I'm experiencing burnout, what is the what is my thinking about the circumstance? What am I thinking about myself? Yeah, really, really, really, really basic. What is the data? What is the thinking? The third quarter is when I'm thinking those thoughts about that data. How do I feel? All right, we don't got to get woo. We don't got to get into into deep inner child or close my eyes for half an hour and breathe. But when that data is going on and I'm thinking that thought, how do I feel? And when I'm feeling that feeling, when I'm thinking that thought around that data, what do I really want? So, if I'm sitting on this podcast and I'm seeing people, okay, this guy left, this guy left, this guy left. And I'm thinking about myself, well, do I really matter? And how do I feel? Well, maybe I feel scared, maybe I feel ashamed, maybe I feel feel nervous. And what do I really want? Maybe I want to be seen. Maybe I want to be seen that I'm okay. And what if that's normal? So, to get really really basic to to answer the question, a what is the definition of term? What does love actually mean? How do I become um how do I treat myself more with love? And to get even more basic, where do I even start? How about starting with just a simple what's going on? What am I thinking about what's going on? What am I feeling when I'm thinking about what's going on? And what do I want? And and start from there. Really start from from really really basic. >> First first I want to say you're doing a great job. >> How's it work? So keep it up. And then I want one second. Let's just go to this question for a second. >> Well, I want to say thank you to Joseph for asking the question and saying he also did a good job and we're here for you. >> Okay, next live question. You're on. >> Hi, thank you so much for taking my question. Um I guess I don't always tune in but I actually very much liked this uh the topic and I know people speak about it but I from my own experience you know someone once told me I found it to be very true. Don't bother telling people your problems because half the people don't care and the other half are actually happy that you have them. So now I don't mean to be cynical in any way but sometimes a person's wife will say you know can you open up can you share but then you see afterwards the things that you say sometimes they use it against you you know we all have that and you know or they say oh remember you said that or you yourself said that or you know so so of course you know we want to you know we want to unburden ourselves the question is to who so I myself I try to let's say do self-affirmations look at myself in the mirror and say you know good things and to be you know loving to myself and I push myself and everything and I think it pretty much works for me but it is true that eventually the person starts not feeling as much because when you feel there's a lot of hurt so what you know a little bit who's always great um mentioned like what's the benefit I I just see personally in my own life it's just you know no one will ever care for you as much as you care for yourself and for the for my experience people don't really fair to to actually to listen and you know it's not fair I would say at sometimes to just you know vent or unburdened and say your feelings. So, of course, something happens. I feel disrespected. I feel um underappreciated. I feel all sorts of feelings. And we're aware of that. And we try to, you know, like in the in the poll, we try to control it. We try to, you know, use our minds over our feelings, our emotions, which is really in a way is to is to be, you know, to be just dry intellect, not so much work with emotions, which is arbitrary. um it's fleeting like this this covered thing that you know people flip out. What is it really? It's really nothing. The person really would stop and think you are what you are whether they respect you or not. And if they respect you and you're a nobody so you're nobody. So if a person really wants to be fully intellectual and not so much emotional usually these are the people who are more settled, who are more grounded, who are more in control. This is what it would seem. So so I'm going to start um telling other people my feelings. People don't care. Even the people who are very close to you and even those people will use it against you many times. So it's just like listen or let's say if you'll just say how you feel about you know you're upset about something and then even you use eye messages and all the rules of how you're supposed to say something in a non you know pointed way and not in a critical way and still people will become defensive and still people say oh and you know you expect things to be this way when you yourself don't do that way. So I don't know it's is there a lack of communication or just you just feel like okay it's just better off not to discuss it's better off to just you know be the bigger person the strong I'll I'll say in quotation the stronger person swallow a little bit and if a person's it's too much so he'll listen to some music and he'll have some chamomile tea and he'll take a nice hot shower uh he'll you know soak a little bit and some you know salt and he'll have a good night's sleep and then tomorrow he forgets about it. Is that anything wrong with that? >> Absolutely not. Absolutely not. So, I think uh thank you. Thank you for that. And and that makes a lot of sense to me when it comes to vulnerability. For me, I'm really focusing from the inside out. So before I even talk about talking about talking with somebody else or sharing my vulnerability with another person, it begins with acknowledging vulnerability between me and myself. What am I feeling between me and myself? What is going on between me and myself? That doesn't mean that everybody gets to hear it. That doesn't mean that I need to go and share it with everybody. That doesn't mean that I got to go put on a billboard that deep dark thing that I really want and I don't want it to hurt anymore. Now I have to tell everybody about it. You know, there we're not virtue signaling um a a or espousing a hurt that way of I I I super saturate myself with that with being seen then it doesn't hurt anymore. What we're talking about is really how do I acknowledge a vulnerability between myself? A practice, an exercise, a skill of being able to acknowledge uh vulnerability between me and myself. Now with who I share that with is there a space to share that with? Have I cultivated as a man a space of sharing with my spouse? That's a completely different question. No, with with with in any relationship there's there's me, there's her and then there's us. So if I am it's one thing to work on myself and it's also you know another thing for my wife to work on herself and then there's working on the relationship. I don't I don't know how to work on my relationships without also working on acknowledging vulnerability within the relationship. So, so I guess to summarize, it's it's really from the inside out. We're talking about a skill that begins between the person and themselves. you know the first step in 12 steps if you will where there's a certain recognition between myself and of what's hurting or what's pinching or is there something that's pinching or is there something that happened or is there >> we know but let's say we know that let's say something happened and when we think about it it kind of feel bad at that time thinking that um you know we're under we're not appreciated and we speak about it and it doesn't really change >> got it I'm asking you how do you feel >> how do you feel all sorts of emotions emotions come and go >> this moment Yeah. >> Right now, how do I feel? I feel >> about that thing >> about the thing that's Well, it's every day it's something else. We're constantly, you know, being Listen, we're not living by ourselves. So, it's constantly >> So, no. So, pick one thing. Pick one thing. That thing that you don't want to share about or that thing that didn't go well. And how do you feel about that thing? >> I'm not sure I understand the question. So, which thing are you? There's constantly things are happening, right? >> So, pick what? The last thing that happened, well, a person, some nice person's just not nice to you. So, you feel like, why are you not nice? And then you feel bad. You know, I'm a nice guy, so why? Why? Why? >> No. No. Now you're thinking again. I'm asking you about the feeling. >> And then you stop and you say, well, >> that's the thinking. That's the thinking. That's the thinking. I'm asking you how do you feel? >> How do you feel? You feel uh you feel like a you feel I don't know how when a person say makes fun of you or you you feel low. I don't I don't know how to explain it. you feel like you feel like you're not good enough. >> So when I think that I'm not good enough, so when I think that I am not good enough, and let's you know, again, I'm not trying to sound like Tony Robbins and use eye statements, but when I think that I'm not good enough, I feel what? >> Well, honestly, when when I when I do feel like that, it's just it hits you. But then after you stop and you say like, >> now you're telling me what you do with it. I'm asking you how you feel. [laughter] >> It's like a person who punches you in the face. We had this discussion with the other guy who said it's like a ball. You throw the ball. Remember the fireball? You just throw it away. Forgot that guy's name. It was over here. Um >> fantastic. >> Yeah. What What am I What do you There's a feeling, right? There's a feeling. >> Yeah. So that feeling >> Yeah. >> So So it could be really easy to acknowledge the data. It could be really really simple to acknowledge the thinking about the data. Yeah, >> the of of acknowledging the vulnerability is to acknowledge a part that's hard to acknowledge or that's maybe a little bit more difficult to acknowledge or a little bit more difficult to to sit down and be with. And sometimes for men it's going to be the feeling. And sometimes it's the the the desire that I'm feeling that I want when I'm feeling the feeling. So that's why I'm asking you. I get that you know what happened. I get that you're thinking about what happened and you're very clear about that. >> If a person is made fun of so he feels low. the person feels like he did something and he didn't get an appreciation feels not appreciated. So I'm not sure this is like anything there's a feeling and we we feel that feeling and then we don't want to stay in the feeling. So if a person does things to distract him or to you know or just to think you very very intellectually you know like they say no one can make you feel a certain way. You have to allow them to make to to feel that way. If we don't allow people to make you feel a certain way, you won't feel that way. It's it's it's us that we allow them to give us that feeling. But if we say, "No, I'm actually I'm very good." And listen, I you learn and you'll tell yourself what you need to do, but what they think that I need to do is not necessarily true or how they look at me doesn't really make a difference in my life anyway. So So why am I even feeling that way? It's not true. That feeling isn't true. But you're feeling it. >> Yeah. We Yeah. >> Now you're judging the feeling with whether it's true or not. >> Yeah. Because it's arbitrary. It's it's not it's not real. It's it's it's not it's it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be like that. For example, like I didn't get alias. I was supposed to get a certain kibbut and I didn't get it. Is it real? Should I have really gotten that kibbut? >> Yeah. Am I really that on that level to get that kibbut that I should have gotten? And maybe the other person needs it more than me. >> I don't know. So you start thinking about feelings, you're starting to say that no, feelings are not necessarily something that should take me out of my equilibrium, out of out of the out of the place that I need to be in control of. Feelings make a person lose control to an extent. It makes a person angry. It makes a person jealous instead of talking about the person, can you talk about renovations next door and you're saying to yourself, "Wow, I wish I could do these renovations." So that's a feeling right now. You're saying don't stay in this feeling. Fine. So what what are what should we be doing? We should obviously acknowledge that I'm jealous and I should say, you know what, Hashem has something for everybody and I'm happy for them and Hashem should give them more and if I needed it, I would have had it. Why should I stay in that feeling of I feel bad that that somebody or why should I even like we acknowledge it? Because if if we if we have an answer to it, so we obviously acknowledge that there's a feeling, but we have to take that the feeling which is whatever amount of data it is and like you're saying darn it to explain it, dissect it and and we shouldn't stay in that feeling and and and the feeling sometimes is just wrong. It's it's a wrong feeling. Jealousy, anger, these are wrong feelings. >> So I hear you. I I hear you. For me, the experience of judging feelings really has not led me anywhere constructive uh to for me for me and for frankly many of the men I wind up working with. What I what I notice is that when I allow myself to feel the feeling and just give myself permission to feel the feeling and even if it's wave hello and wave goodbye and then any feeling fully felt will resolve. Any feeling fully felt will resolve. To be start nitpicking on what's a right feeling, what's a wrong feeling is just me judging the feeling, which is just me identifying with the way I'm thinking about my feeling. And it's not about me feeling. So the fact that I'm able to that what I'm feeling doesn't mean that I'm feeling what I'm feeling. You know, I I run I run uh breath work groups profusely. So one of the things I say on in these groups is just because I'm able to what I'm feeling does not mean I'm feeling the feeling. The fact that I'm able to understand that I'm frustrated does not mean that I'm feeling through my frustration or that I'm actually acknowledging my frustration. It just means that I know that I notice that there's a part of me that's frustrating. Now, can I intellectualize it? Can I rationalize it? Can I use my mind in order to, you know, put into a nice box? Okay, this thing makes sense. This thing doesn't make sense. Absolutely. Absolutely. But but what I'm what I'm talking about and is is well, what if I don't do that? What if I don't use rationalization as just a means of not feeling? Because you do that with a 5-year-old would do do that with an 8-year-old. And what's a right feeling? What's a wrong feeling? By the time he's 15, he doesn't really care what you think is right or wrong. And he's going to have his own mode of what's right and what's wrong. So, I think um I think if it works for you, amazing. But I think when it comes to modeling that for somebody else, um, I prefer ways of of of kinder acknowledgement. >> And I just want to slow it down for a minute because I think what he was saying a lot of men feel the same way. >> No, I got it. >> And uh, maybe if we can slow it down and try to figure out where um, where the change needs to be. So, you know, I we've heard a lot of beliefs that if you stay in it, it's too hard and it's not going to work. What's the benefit? Nobody's going to accept it and just go on. So, we if we believe that and that's what you're going to do. And we've also heard that there's a lot of you know figuring out of how to but not allowing to stop and just say what do I feel and stay there for a few seconds and just now for those who are scared or say what's the benefit let's can you show us why for example this person or anybody out there that has a situation that they don't like and it makes them feel a certain way. Give us the steps of what how what it looks like for somebody who >> how do you feel about so I think the the real question is how do you feel about feelings? >> So most people feel that it's it's if I stay it it's not going to work. He he said it's not real anyway. >> So when I think so when I think that feelings are feeling feelings is not going to work. How do I feel? >> I try to run away from it. >> So when I try to run away from the feelings that I don't want to feel how do I feel? So I just say that I'm not supposed to anyways. So I'm supposed to continue and just go on. Don't think about it. >> So when I think that I just got to keep on going on and not feel the feelings that I feel, how do I wind up feeling? >> I continue running because I'm not going to stop to feel >> and you still explain to me what you wind up doing. So I'm just asking you to fill in the feeling. Happy, sad, scared, or angry. Multiple choice I always say. But how you feeling? >> So you're slowing us down and you're saying tell me one word. And it has to be a feeling. But people say, "Well, why go there? It's not real. It's just because I thought I have to have shishi. Why should I think about it?" >> So when you So when you think that thought, how do you feel? All we're doing is making a ming making between how you thinking about something and how you're feeling about something. Just for the sake of the distinction, just for the sake of of language. Just for the sake of language. I'm not asking you what's right. I'm not asking what's wrong. I'm asking you to if we're going to go to really slow down to a snail's pace, let's work with language. What are you thinking and what are you feeling? And let's assume for a second that they're not the same thing. That they're two different functionalities. There's one's my mind, one's my thinking, one's my rational mind, and the other one's a little bit more abstract, a little bit a little bit more emotional, if you will. And that's what we'll call feeling. Now, because feeling is so broad, if we boil it down to fundamental words and like paste these words to these quote unquote energies or colors, happy, sad, scared, angry, alone, ashamed, you know, really, really, really simple where where an 8-year-old will will kind of be able to put it together. So when you're thinking those thoughts, when you're thinking those thoughts around what's going on, how do you feel? And that's that's going we're just making a a distinction in language. I what is it going to work? Is it not going to work? Let's just play a game. [clears throat] Let's just do an exercise. We're not even we're not even trying to get anywhere. Now, the second we're trying to come in with a um with an agenda, that's the trying to control something, that's the masculine solutionoriented mindset. What's really going to help in relationship with vulnerability is going to be a process oriented mindset where it's like let's just go with the flow and see what happens where instead of trying to jump the gun and try and well what are going what what is going how is this going to add up at the end and what is this really going to do for me? >> Amazing. Okay, so here is a question that somebody sent in. >> That makes sense. Well, slow. >> Yeah. >> I would I would only ask you the the next step like, okay, I I see it's a different language. I have to slow down now. What's the benefit? Because if it's so, you know what? Okay, again, we're used to the mind saying it's true, but forget about that. This is how I feel. I feel not enough. I feel sad. If I say it and stay there, what does what's the benefit? you're asking. >> Yeah. >> Ask. So on one hand, it's just the awareness sh is definitely a benefit to be able to be in relationship with the part of myself that's not being acknowledged. That's a benefit. To actually know what's going on is a benefit because once I start to make something an object of my awareness, once I start realizing that there is something that's there, I am not it. And what I mean by that is sometimes I I'm I I I'm subsumed by my by my feelings. Sometimes I overidentify myself with how I think about myself. And a thought is just a thought and a feeling is just a feeling. Not judging it good or bad, but a feeling is a feeling and a thought is a thought. And then there is an eye that's feeling the feeling. There's an eye that's thinking the thought. So the more I practice being able to with my language acknowledge what's going on, with my thinking, with my feeling, the more I get to practice not being it and creating more space between who I am and who I really am, what the is thoughts that I wind up having and feelings that I wind up feeling when I'm thinking those thoughts and what do I really want from that place. So the more practice I do in doing that, the more I realize that wait a second when he's saying that, well, nobody can make me angry. That's true. Nobody can make me angry because those are my feelings. Nobody's going to make you feel your feelings. Those are your feelings that are generated by your judgments that are generated by your thinking around the data. So yeah, they may quote unquote trigger you and they may bring something up and they you may think certain thoughts when something happens, but that's not doesn't make it you and that doesn't necessarily make it their fault. So when so that's what I think a a benefit is is when I get to slow down and start to realize that who I am is not my thinking. Who I am is not what I'm feeling. And yeah, I have those things. But what hap why is this beneficial? Because when I overidentify with my thinking, then I start acting out from that place. Then I start being reactive. Then I start losing it because he made me angry or she's driving me crazy. So that's uh that's >> So you're saying the goal >> that's a little double click on it. I think the goal of it is that you should be able to zoom out and see it from the outside. >> Yeah. >> So, it's not so much you. >> Correct. >> Most people would say, I don't want to stop and feel it because it makes it worse. I don't like the way it feels. But the interesting part is once you learn, this is a skill and I know I had to learn it. Once you learn to feel, not in your head, it's a body sensation. is a feeling, something that you feel, then you can slowly relate to that part and then you can slowly zoom out, look at it, have compassion and not be so scared of it. It's not going to take you over. Versus if you don't stop and learn how to feel and you think, I don't feel, it's fine, not you don't realize that that feeling is really running everything you're doing because you're escaping from the feeling. So it's it takes time. I think it takes time but it's a important hit. So let's go to the next question. I know I stay late at work because being home feels emotionally hard for me. Can you help me understand what I am escaping from and how to deal with it in a healthy way? >> H it's I think the answer is right there in the question. Um, at least he's aware. >> Correct. Correct. At least he's aware. I think a good one question I would have is, well, what are you running from? What what is at home that I'm not feeling? What is at home that I'm not acknowledging? What is the vulnerability that's going on at home that I'm not that I'm not experiencing? Men like to be seen. Men want to be wanted. Men want to be acknowledged. And fathers and husbands need to go home and [clears throat] you know generate that. They need to be the caring father that's present and sees and accepts and provides and all that. So I guess my question is in the roles that you are meant to fill in the home, what's going on there? What's going on that what what space am I am I not filling where being at work is a lot more comforting than being there? And again, it could be 101 different things. >> So, so that's the first question you would ask him. What's going on at home? Or what's the fe the need that you're looking for? You're not getting. >> No. What's what are you not getting? And what role do you not want to fill? Because being a man is a makay. You know, there's being a lover is a makay. Being a father is a makay meaning it's how do you explain makay it's it's it's an obl huh >> responsibility >> yeah but it's an obligatory experience where you have to go and do that you have to but like the opportunity is for you to go and be the man if you will or do the things if you will and sometimes it's a stretch and sometimes it's a flex and men don't always men want it a certain way men want it served a certain way men want it want it to be mirrored back to them a certain way. And when that doesn't always happen, it's it's difficult to come home. It's difficult to to to not to experience that that experience. So being at work is a little bit more comforting or maybe it's a little bit more safe or maybe it's because I really really want to provide and and trying to you know crunch the last numbers at work. So I think it's also arriving to the question without a sense of judgment. It's like can I actually accept the vulnerability if a man is sharing with me the vulnerability is is I'm home. I'm I'm I'm at work more than I am at home. And you know maybe there's some feelings around that. Can I as a listener be accepting towards that? Can I accept him with his vulnerability? Can I see him with that feeling? Can I see him with that experience? Or can he see himself with that experience without needing to try and change it? but just to be with it and to be with the sense a certain degree of openness of well what's really going on. >> Beautiful. So you're you're bringing out that even before we go to any answers and solutions is just to be aware and be there with the person. >> Yeah. It's from a place of acceptance. Just like I could I could accept that he's he's going through something without even proving it, without poking at it, without like thinking that he should be doing something different. And the misa I'm doing the same thing when I'm feeling my own feelings. Where can I actually feel my own feelings from a place of acceptance where I can accept the fact that I'm feeling something even though I don't always like it? >> Mhm. >> Somebody sended this question. How do I know if feeling is useful in a moment like this or should just keeping pushing through? A guy gets a feeling right. Maybe now is just not the right time to feel that feeling. Right now you got to do >> correct. when it's a feeling I need to act on or something I need to sit with and >> you don't >> you don't and sometimes getting getting >> I'm working during the day right and I'm feeling sad and I'm feeling like I don't want to work so do I sit with that feeling and say no something I'm feeling sad today I'm not going to work I'm just going to go lay in my car relax say oh I I feel sad but I right now for right now >> you could do that >> I'm not saying the job is going to last >> yeah so sometime so I think there's there's an aspect to ackn acknowledging the vulnerability where I could wave hello and wave goodbye where it's one thing to just blow past it again like like I'm on the highway and I'm just going to blow past it and it's and that's fine. That's fine. Nobody's going to sit down, oh you didn't acknowledge that one and oh no you didn't acknowledge that one. Chances are between you waking up and you making it to shak you've already had like four or five different feelings that you're not acknowledging. The avoid is to be able to acknowledge feelings. The avoid is not to acknowledge every feeling. So sometimes I get to I I I have an opportunity to acknowledge emotions throughout my my [clears throat] day. A way of coming back to myself, a way of emotional literacy, a way of learning how to feel my feelings is by acknowledging my emotions. So for five times a day, I acknowledge three time three emotions. Five times a day, that's 15 emotions that I've acknowledged today. Have I felt more? Likely. Likely. So, it's not about acknowledging every emotion, but it's acknowledging some of the emotions. Now, if I'm getting caught up, sometimes I need to be able to pause with it. Sometimes I need to be able to write it down. Sometimes there's all these different wonderful exercises of acknowledging and moving through. Um there's different anxiety um exercises. I personally like to write it down sometimes. Leave yourself a voice note for a minute on WhatsApp. Do what you got to do in order to park it. And then you get you wind up being able to keep on going. But the aba again is not to acknowledge every emotion. It's to learn how to acknowledge emotions. At least the I'm working with >> and then do I come back to it a different time a day or I don't have to think. >> I mean if it's recurring [laughter] if it's recurring it's going to come back. So then it's like it's going to come a point where it's like do I get to look at it or do I not? If I'm waking up with the same anxiety every morning and I have to like keep on pushing it away, chances are having a conversation about it may be really helpful. I've noticed inside of myself the second I've I've spoken about the things I've like refused to speak to that I gave it the space that it needs. A lot of feelings just are looking for some space. They're looking for some looking for some love. So if you if you give it that pat on the head, if you give it that little hug, if you give it that permission to exist, which is really the acknowledgement and I then then it winds up being able to to pass or I can metabolize a lot more a lot. You could think of feelings of, you know, these little parts of me that are saying, "See me, see me, accept me, acknowledge me, uh, recognize me." You know, there's a little boy inside of me that was that was that was scared. There's a little boy inside of me that wanted to be seen. and chances are he's going to put to to pick his head up in all different ways and all different sizes throughout my day. So, it's being able to learn how to recognize it just a little bit more. Does that mean I'm uh I'm I'm you know, does that mean I'm going to have to listen to him every time? Look, some when my kid is learning how to ride a bike and they're going to sit there and this is Usher's point from before, they're going to probably fall and they're probably going to cry. And the most parental thing to do is get up and get back on. Like I'm not interested in the crying right now. Like we'll talk about it afterwards, but like right now the most appropriate thing maybe is get back up on the back and keep on going. You know, we don't have to listen to every feeling, but we have to know how to listen. >> Makes sense, Ash. >> Brilliant. Let's go to this next live question. Here we go. My best friend. Let's go. >> Okay. Hi, Misha. So, I have a question like this. Um, you know, they say tless tacless. I know a lot of times, right, you will be with your feelings. You'll acknowledge, you'll be able to feel your feelings, acknowledge your feelings, everything we spoke about. And hopefully besides for the emotional integration the change that you'll have within you will be such a thing and sometimes it may affect your relationship with others. Others will notice to perceive you differently and you'll have better relationships etc etc. [gasps] But tak sometimes we have certain feelings because we're stuck in a situation and the situation you know looks like it may be there for life whatever the case is right always change anything. So tas even if we learn to change the feeling and we with our feeling we do all our avoid we learn not to feel like a victim etc which is and we elevate ourselves but the situation may still be there. So I know there's some books you know Gisha books even even the Tyra says some things about manifestation and the way you feel may change your life may change your masle but the end of the day sometimes a person is to live a certain way so if they do all their work and they they're able to be with their feeling but the situation will have to be there at least for some time a long amount of time so like what do we gain like so What like is this situation is not going to fight to bring that old feeling back? Is it not going to return? Is it going to be a battle for life? Is that the end of this world to always be constant tug of war on with that feeling like talkless talkless as they say? >> So um so I love this question because people think that it that it begins and ends with feelings. Once I've acknowledged my emotions then then I'm done. And for me it only begins there. It's only only only a starting point. So once I courageously know how to acknowledge the different vulnerabilities or the feelings that I'm feeling and yeah, some feelings are probably a pattern. Some feelings are probably familiar. Some feelings I'm not going to be able to change. Certain things I'm just not going to be able to change. They're they're wonderfully god-given. The next step is going to be how do I learn how to accept myself with those feelings? Accept myself with the feelings. And that is in itself is going to be a practice because my feelings are just my feelings and my feelings are not me. So how can I accept myself when I'm feeling those feelings? At a certain point after I've done a lot of th a lot of that work which is which is most definitely a lift. I'm going to have to learn how to come back to trusting myself even when I'm feeling those feelings cuz there's there's there's a you that there's an I that's that that feelings lead back to. There's one that's that's experiencing the experience. And every experience that you're going to experience, every feeling that you're going to have is going to be a pathway back to yourself. So, if I actually use it as an exercise of going back to myself and learning how to trust myself even when I'm feeling the feelings that I'm feeling, can I come back? Can I allow myself that grace and that openness to come back and learn that as a skill? And yeah, I'm going to have different thoughts about myself along the way. I'm going to have negative thought patterns. And I could also learn that I can stop the negative thought pattern. I can move to a better state and I can acknowledge my emotions and I can learn how to be there for myself even when I'm feeling those feelings. And I get that the feelings are most definitely difficult because I know I have my own. And at a certain point so we got vulnerability, acceptance, and trust. At a certain point, the fourth step is going to be how do I learn how to let go? Let go of maybe the expectation of certain things will not change. Certain things I will wind up having by hook or by crook. There are certain feelings that I'm never going to wind up being able to change. I and I can't cuz I tried. And maybe Hashem did not give me these feelings in order to change them, but learn how to feel them and how to be with them without needing to pigeon hole myself into a certain way of being. So, a lot of the feelings that I don't want to allow myself to feel is because I taught myself or I learned somewhere along the way that certain feelings weren't safe to feel. But if I learn how to accept myself when I'm feeling certain thoughts and I learn how to trust myself even when I'm accepting the fact that I'm feeling certain feelings, I can learn how to let go of certain expectations. And after I learned how to let go of certain expectations or let go of certain doubts or the or let go of certain loyalties that I have inside of myself that I need to be a certain way and I can't be a certain way because I'm feeling certain feelings about myself then I could eventually learn how to occupy a place of surrender which is really the k of where vulnerability is really going to lead me. It's not vulnerability is not just about feeling the feelings. It's wonderful to feel the feelings, but it's going to lead me somewhere more the more that I'm that that that's going to be uh revealed in this process after I've accepted the fact that I'm feeling the feelings that I'm feeling and after I've learned how to trust myself, as I've accepted what I'm what I'm learning how to accept and letting go whatever I need to to to let go of is I learned how to occupy a place of surrender where it's like there's something bigger. There's something more. There's a there's there's most definitely a mystery that um that is a lot bigger than I am and these feelings that I'm feeling. So, how do I learn how to, you know, double down on that instead of waiting for something to change? Chances are that Yeshua is going to come from the unknown. If it would have came from the known, it would have been here already. So, so a lot of this uh process, if you will, this niny process of here I am or here I am for more is I'm here for something I'm I'm here to become a little bit more friendly with the unknown. And yes, are there things that I feel? Absolutely. But what if those feelings are just at the end of the day is feelings? It's not about right. It's not about wrong. It's about whether how uh how much I'm going to to let that dictate who I am. Is it going to dictate who I am or be a pathway towards towards revealing who I am? So, I know that was a little bit of a >> No, no, I understood a lot. I read a lot about these stuff, but but I know surrender is the maybe the highest ultimate form. So, you're saying this is just the beginning that helps us if someone tries to surrender without feeling their feelings. It's not >> they haven't what what are you surrendering? >> Right. Right. I mean, sometimes people surrender because they're hit with something so hard that just forces them to surrender. >> Yeah. again and then just to make the distinction between surrender and giving up. Giving surrender is not giving up. We're not talking about that par you know hit the subconscious cause them to surrender let's say >> over saying because but you're saying sometimes it's hit so fast that there is such a thing as a shortcut sometimes when it's done like in a very >> so so if you look at Tanya it's it's it's Tanya's going to talk about the real when it comes to certain feelings what I'm what I've seen inside is that it's going to come down to for me it's just to conceptualize in instead of just like okay pushing it away pushing it away pushing it away and go where push it away and go where so I need I need somewhere to go if I'm not going to be behovven to whatever I'm experiencing for me I found that in a place of surrender whether it's in it's in whether it's in 12step rooms whether it's in just in cultivating a sense of amuna inside of myself that like there's something more and it's going to be there and it's probably not going to be here because if it was here it would have been here already if it would have been with these feelings and it would have been with these feelings already but so chances are it's somewhere else >> and this the same thing with Purim that the Yan they didn't know where the issue was coming from by Purim and you know all of a sudden that's part of surrender and everything >> if you want to get you know I'll leave it to we're all in Purim all the time anyway >> thank you so much >> okay let's go let's run I think the last one last live at least here we Go. >> Hi, how are you? >> Hi. So, touching on the subject of just touching the feeling and saying hi and by. How does that work? And is that not pushing it away? >> Good question. Thank you. So, the high and by was really I started working about the high and by for the people that wound up really liking to spin in it. [clears throat] So, I I've been in this for for about 18 years. And I remember once somebody [snorts] was able to feel the feeling, they wanted to dive in and they wanted to like almost like I'm finally able to feel the sadness. I'm finally able to feel the anger. I'm finally able to like and it's almost like they dive into it like like a mikvah. And and I get it and it made sense. And there's this question, especially when it's painful feelings for people that don't normally, you know, feel uh certain and painful emotions, you know, how do I how do I not get stuck? All right, how do I not how do I stop this thing? So, it's from from that point I I started I started uh figuring out, well, what if I tell them just to say hi and and bye. The same way I could say hi to it, I could say bye to it. any happens to be I already know that any feeling fully felt is going to go to a to a place of result but the reason why people are averse to pain the reason why people run away from pain is because there's a fear that the pain is not going to stop the only thing that's that's more scary than pain is endless pain you know the the part of the unknown of pain is not knowing when the pain is going to end once the pain once I know when the pain ends it winds up be of being just a little bit more painful. So in a way to make a little bit more metabolizable if that's a word um or palatable to actually take a feeling say h say hi say bye. You don't have to say hi and bye in you know 15 seconds. You could wait a minute. You could wait two [clears throat] minutes. You could give it 15 breaths and not four. But to actually be able to say hi you could and if you're able to say hi you can most definitely say bye. But that's that's only after after he felt the emotion after you. >> Let's just assume that I'm talking about somebody who's actually saying hi when he's saying hi. He's not just saying hi in his head. >> He's saying hi from the neck down. >> That brings that segus into the next question. How do you know that you're not so stuck in your emotions that you take every emotion and just sit with it >> and process it through? >> So So it's very easy to turn this work into a bit of an where it's like, okay, fine. Now I have to sit down with my with my pen and paper and take it everywhere. I'm going to track every feeling that I'm going to feel throughout the day. And thank God once a person is, you know, married with kids and whatnot, you know, they really force them into the present, you know, by hook or by crook. So other people is really, really, really important for and I did this work for being single for many, many years. And it's really important to stay grounded and normal and in relationship to reality cuz if not you could keep on spinning inside of your own head, you could turn chat GBT into your own personal uh therapist and it winds up uh it winds up really not being the most healthy thing in the world. So to be able to learn the skill set to learn the skill set to do the exercise and to be able to acknowledge what you what you acknowledge and then go and live your life because that's because that's the point that's really going to be the point. How do I wind up stretching and then living my life in a more healthy integrated way? >> And the last question is what does Hanei offer to do that? So um so the work that I am I allowed now um so Heni as a state or Heni as a program >> let's do it this way explain what is and then we'll send out any information I know people you'll put out your >> fantastic so Heni is the state of of readiness is a state of where it's like when said by by he was saying that that I'm it's this lush of readiness when Hashem uh meets Moshe by the and Mosha says there is this it's the lush says lion of readiness so once I'm ready to encounter the unknown once I'm I'm ready to in a sense meet this process of surrender if you will I'm ready for what comes I'm ready for what comes in as a discipline is going to be how can I how can I take the spin that I have that we started tonight with that ping pong game that I have inside of my head and how do I learn how to stop the spin and show up? How do I really learn how to stop the spin and and show up? And and that takes courage. That takes acknowledging the vulnerability. That takes acceptance. It takes trust. It takes letting go. It definitely takes surrender in order to um arrive in a in a state of healing. So if that uh encapsulates >> and that's like a four day thing that that's it and on my own. >> So the so in the 4-day program So in the 4-day program I take each one of these subjects uh vulnerability, acceptance, trust, letting go and surrender. We unpack it. We unpack it, you know, we unpack it like a suga. We do processes around each topic and then we do a breath work on that topic. So by the time the three and a half, four days are done that there's a certain command in the material and then a certain command in those in the different state of I'm not you know I've acknowledged a lot of the vulnerability I haven't been acknowledging. I've learned how to accept what I'm what I'm accepting and I learned how to stand in a bit of a place of trust. How I learned how to let go maybe of some baggage I've been carrying around and how do I become really really uh friendly with the idea of surrendering to something bigger than myself. So, >> okay. So, we'll send out information later, but before we go to closing, I'm wondering for the women that are listening, so you can have the husband that opens up and shares, you know, their feeling. Now, um for those who are really deep and need serious help, I'm sure they have to go look, you know, whether it's a therapist or somebody that can help them. But if the if the women or or g very basic, how should the wife respond? What's what do what do the men want when they start when they open up and uh the wives are maybe not used to this and it feels whatever comes up. How what would be the right way for them to respond to their husband? >> You're asking me? >> Yeah. Um, I I will most definitely ask my wife. But, um, I think men want someone to come home to >> because what we're looking for is you're saying, you know, to be vulnerable in the relationship to really say what's going on, how I'm feeling, and if it's something that I've never done, I'm going to start now or how do they how how should they respond to it? I think with this with the sense of hopefully with a sense of openness with a sense of listening uh without necessarily needing to change men are really looking for a home for somewhere to land. The men that wind up showing up to the program if you will they wind up finding some place to land. So if if part of the cultivation of the us is somewhere to land together then you know with a lot of and and openness the life [clears throat] can be that place where he will where where he can land and then he could also be where she can land. So very much that place of listening support openness and um yeah but it's also creating that space that doesn't mean oh I have a feeling let me call her and it's like 3:00 and the kids are coming home. It's it's really consciously creating that spa those spaces of connection. >> And how do we know if it's too much and they need a third party? >> They'll probably tell you. Um they'll probably tell you and the nature of the beast is is that you know use use your judgment. I like adult education and I'm not here to tell somebody what to do, but um it can never hurt to ask and therapy is a phenomenal phenomenal tool with someone you know that knows what they're doing. >> Beautiful. Okay, I think we're going to go to the closing segment now. Um let's go to the closing segment. Okay, here we go. all the people that wanted to ask. Sorry we're not going to get to it, but Macham will have him back again. Can also email him. Okay, we'll get to that in a second. First of all, for coming on tonight and giving us tremendous, this is a very uh sensitive but important topic for the men and for the women to support the men. We should get deeper into it. And uh again, for everybody here the first time every Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. the zoom ID, we have different different topics in next week, February 22nd, we have another share. It's not confirmed yet. As soon as we confirm it, we will email it out and let everybody know and uh looking forward. We're getting closer to PUM. A lot of things coming. Have a lot of big guests coming on. So, it's getting exciting. Everything is recorded by.com. If anyone has any questions, please email [email protected]. Tonight, shares 260. Everything is recorded on the phone lines at 732305911. Mashim. If anybody wants to get a hold of you, your email, your website, your phone number, your text, your social security number, your address, share what you want to share with everybody and then we'll continue to the closing. Um, so the website is projectane.com. Um, and my number is 917-757-4993. So just don't call, text, and yeah, looking forward. >> If you could type it in the chat while I continue, you don't mind if you could do that now. And um okay now as far as um thank you to all the advertising sponsor liquid scoop here in liquid Ellie and 5town central K from JCN for always providing us on all the Jewish digital platforms really appreciate it and um let's go to the closing. I'll go first followed by and then we'll give Moshim after he finishes typing his information in a few minutes to think of a closing a statement something to leave the with but in short it's a very important topic tonight uh feelings men's emotions it's um you know it's a struggle for a lot of men and I think there's a lot of benefit for it I think also with old benefits there also comes you know things that are non-beneficial we could think um it could make you feel less strong it could make you feel less vulnerable could make you feel weaker. It could make you feel, you know, all these different feelings. Um, >> and remember, it's only a feeling, >> right? Remember, it's only a feeling. And um, hold on a second. It's only a feeling. And we have to and we have to try to realize that with every benefit there's, you know, the things that come with it. But ultimately, when a person, especially a man, could tap into it, it makes you really a stronger person. makes you calmer because you understand your feelings, you understand your emotions, and it opens up a whole new world. And it's not it's not that the world is going to be easier, but it's going to be more understandable. And it gives you a lot more deep insight to connecting with your spouse, connecting with your kids, connecting with other people, and being there emotionally with people. I always tell there's friends that like we can go have a good time with. There's friends we could, you know, go have a schmoo and go to Fabrangan, go to this. But then there's friends that you can connect on emotional level. The friends that you can connect on emotional level, those are very powerful friends. Those are friends that really last a lifetime. Those are friends that you really, you know, can get very far. So not everybody to have such good friends like that. I am right to have friends that we can connect on a very deep emotional level. But it's something that you have to find and then you know if you could find it and you do find such people um it's amazing and um I'm going to turn over to coach for closing and I'm going to post cell phone number and he's going to text me the website as well. >> Okay, thank you very much. And yes, uh for men it's it's another step. Not everybody's there. Some people don't understand the language. it is could be something new and uh to find somebody that they can share like we discussed in other programs you know the women sometimes talk about situations they're on the phone and it is >> turn the camera >> but uh the men sometimes just have to know to talk to and sometimes they want to open up to somebody it doesn't land well and then they stop they don't try again that's part of being vulnerable it's also important to be able to find somebody find a place where you can share. You know, sometimes it could be a therapist, they understand it, but sometimes it could be a friend that understands. Usually those those people that went through their own thing, they need it for themselves could understand when somebody shares, you know, what they want be able to hold the space for them. So that's important. But again, it can be it's it's a new language. And I would say for me, this is also new. You know, I had to learn it on my own skin. And I remember when my therapist many years ago asked me, "Man, what do you like?" And I looked at him like, "What are you trying? I don't understand what you're saying. What What do you like? [laughter] >> Tell them like what do you what do I like?" You're like, "I don't know. Go for a walk. Ice cream. I don't know. Ex. What do you like? and I'm here now you know now I could tell you you know there are things that I like but I'm coming from a place where I don't know what like means I didn't even know who man was so slowly you start realizing you know talking about the question of what does love mean and like you said the relationship with yourself what's your relationship with yourself when something happens how do you relate to what happened do you run away push it away scared of it or could you see what happened see that it doesn't feel good and uh and just be there. So it takes time. So this is it. I want to give my to everybody. You know, we're starting with also an emotion, something that you can bring in bring into your life itself. And hopefully that could help feel other emotions like the concept of feeling whether it's either you feel or you don't feel because emotions are emotions. So if we're in touch, we're open, we feel. Or we could be shut down then we don't feel even the so if you want to feel alive yes you might encounter emotions that you don't like but that's part of being alive ups and downs and you're like in and out you know it's cloudy it's sunny but that doesn't mean we lose it we we see it we feel it and we can continue so thank you very much and we should all be able to tap into it before you're closing I'm going to somebody sent me this I think I'm just going to read it for the men like They could see that there's more to feelings. Just a cute thing and then I'll give you another minute to think of a closing. But let me just share this and you can see it. So basically says for all those men when you feel sad, sadness might be telling you you need to cry. Loneliness if you're lonely might mean telling you might be telling you you need connection. Shame might be telling me I need some self-compassion. resentment. If you're angry, resent, you're upset at somebody, might be telling me I need to be hurt or maybe eventually I need to forgive somebody. If you're feeling empty, might be telling me I need to do something creative. If you're feeling anger, might be telling me I need to check in with my boundaries. Anxiety, if you're feeling anxiety, might be telling me I need to breathe a little bit. Stress might be telling me I need to take a need to take things one step at a time. The point is these are all feelings and emotions that we have and if we could tap into them, we could see deeper where they're coming from versus I'm sad because he did this to me or I'm this because he did this. We we get the emotions and we try to blame it on other things. But I thought that was a very good thing. Closing words. >> Uh so first off, thank you so much. Thank you so much for to coach and to us to the whole space. It's it's it's a dream come true in so many ways. So really really I'm leaving very full. Um we say in learning that there are certain things we're just never going to know. And so much of this process of healing for me is and working with people is that there are certain things that I'm that I'm not going to know. And sometimes what I notice is that I get into get in my own way and [clears throat] I want certain things and I need certain things and I don't always know how to actualize it. And this process of vulnerability, acceptance, letting go, surrender is is is really a process for me of how do I get out of my own way and how do I start to live a little bit more powerfully, a little bit more actualized, a little bit more real, um, a little bit more in my own body. And it's it's not it's not a surprise that the two times you know two times of um that I usually talk about it where the Torah says is [snorts] where Hashem shows himself to Abra and Hashem shows himself to appears to to Mosa and both of them Abra is being asked to sacrifice that which is most dear and Mosa he's being asked to do something he really doesn't want to do. Now, there are times in life where we're going to be asked to sacrifice that thing where we never even thought we would need to sacrifice. Whether that sacrifices our own ego, whether it's our own sense of uh certainty, whether it's fill in the blank, and we're going to be asked to to to bring that up and is there a Heni that that that's ready? And there are times that we're going to be asked to do things that we don't want to do. We're just not interested. we don't talk right, let somebody else do it. My brother is even more qualified than I am. Why me? So, and even then and even then there is an internal call. There's an internal desire. There's there's there's a wanting for wholeness. There's a there's there's Hashem's name that is looking to be expressed in this world through you. There's light God's light that's trying to shine itself through you. And it's sometimes it's it's it's up to me how uh how hard to make it. So, how do I learn how to let go? How do I learn to allow? And how do I learn how to become a little bit more friendly? A little bit more friendly with the process, a little bit more friendly with the feelings that come with the process. And um and and yeah and it should be a um it should be a a and we should just know how to increase that which is already there to really and and increase that which is which is already there which is already inherently ours. >> When you feel the emotions you can enjoy the sa deeper. >> Definitely. Definitely. No and that's the truth. Once you once you once you learn how to feel, you got to feel all of it. >> Okay. Thank you very much for coming on. Um everybody should have a beautiful this week. I emailed you that flyer. People are asking about it. Make sure you send it out. Some good good good words over there. We'll see you all next week, same time, same place. And everybody, when you go to sleep tonight, just feel feel those emotions. Oh >> yeah. >> Have a good night, everybody. Take care.