Looking for the perfect match? Tips for getting married - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] but have a beautiful evening tonight and we want to talk about a very very important subject is because unfortunately in our generation there's so many people who are still looking for their for their soulmate to the other half and just a few months ago we had a beautiful big poram event and during the event I stood up and I started giving baho to everybody in the in the room and after I finished I told my wife look at that besides two people everybody here is single there are two people who were married and then everybody else in the event was on singles all the Pahang you should get married you should get married you should get married someone has stopped saying you should get married I said all of you should just get married so this situation is not how it should be it is not okay that so many people are struggling to find their other half but unfortunately the reality is that many people's find it very very hard to find their other half now comes another problem once they really find it him/her then how do you maintain a good marriage so there are many different problems is a lot what to talk about but tonight we want to concentrate about one one one channel one way how one can they better their opportunities and focus on what they need to do and you know some of the lectures they come off very easy and very soft and sometimes when you need to get something done you need to be a little bit more harsh and a little bit more straightforward so please don't take anything personal that I say but I sometimes when I want to get a point across and it has to come out and not always it comes with the with the panning on the on the hand sometimes it has to be a little bit harsh especially when it comes to find the other half because I meet so many people that the reason why they don't find another half is because the list of the demand is out of proportion MOCA shame we have a beautiful yeshiva and lt said we have a seminarian middle shelf for women we have a lot of things going on and of course because of that because we have the Institute for the men and the Institute for the women so by default we do a lot of matchmaking and other times we get students we focus a lot on more mature people I don't like saying the word old but we have in our men's achieve a lot of older men I mean our all the student is 84 years old 84 year old a man in 70 did you right now it's it's another two up and on the other hand we have all the students on the female side is 79 years old so go wash em a lot of our a lot of our people are older or mature and needless to say by default or other people come and tell me maybe you can find my my wife my husband not so long ago one of the students came with a list of demands maybe you can help me find my other half of course sure we'll do our best is there anything that you need that I need to know what you looking for so I'm not joking he pulled out a paper okay and she has to be five six and a half [Music] what is she's five six and a quarter that's not gonna work so the list of the demands was very very long and at some point I told you very sorry I can't help you is that why can't you help me that's not nice I said it's not about being nice I can't help you he's like why don't you help me I said because what you're looking for that creature doesn't exist doesn't exist such a thing so I see that many times people their criterias or the demands are not in proportions and has nothing to do with the reality and usually your real other half is gonna be completely the opposite of what you pictured would you imagine what you dream and what you really want because the collage mobile says that's not your other half the other half is something completely completely different now first we need to understand what does it mean another half the song explains that the female part and the male parts are one soul and before that soul comes down to the world does the Sun angel in the heavens that cut the soul in half the female part goes into the woman the male part goes into the man one fold in New York the other one falls in on an award London and then they live their life for 10 20 30 40 years and finally they somehow meet up in some random way fall in love and then they live happily ever after that's only happening in the movies it's not the reality there's no happily ever after but nevertheless that's the situation and many people unfortunately they meet their other half but they pass through him or her for whatever reason maybe the nose was too big the car was not wet it was white and many other situations and other people there you know raff of expectations is so out of proportion that when you actually see or meet the other half it doesn't meet match the the demands so the majority that the the list of the demands is so high that it becomes an obstacle for them and that obstacle stops the person from fighting their other half now I like being more straightforward and not the schmira things a lot of people saying don't worry into this into that and I don't think this works I like seeing a problem and and and exposing the problem because if a person lives in some type of a state of denial then I'm not helping him if I come to a person and tell him you have a certain issue and if you're not gonna work in it you're not gonna be successful then I'm deceiving that person so first we want to understand why did a shame create the situation that must be a man and a woman and in a form of a marriage because if a shame wanted us to be fruitful and multiple he could have created a system that you don't need to be married to have kids but when the world was created only Adam Ellucian was created to be exact this all explains that Adam Ellucian was created in in a form of a man and a woman together the man was in the front and the woman is in the back and I know the the famous story that people know that the demotion was put to sleep and then there was an operation and took out the rib so this all explains it wasn't exactly like that it was the side that would needed to come out but nevertheless in the beginning Madame Yvonne were one Barney then it was separated and right after that the demolition was in a very spiritual very high spiritual level and the story says that in the beginning Adamo Gershon was sitting on a kiss a kavod armature of glory and everything was brought to Adama or shown to be named everything all the animals all the species everything and Adama Lucian was in such a high spiritual level that he was able to see the godly power that enlivens everything and name it according to the energy that enlivens that thing yesterday we had a beautiful lecture about the secrets of the name that we have but the letters in our name what does the letters mean how does it affect my life how does it affect my my personality and we explained there that everything in the world is built from these letters and building blocks of the universe their godly powered and enlivens the universe and Adam Ellucian was in such a high level that he was able to see not the design of the world rather to see the spiritual structure of the world so he was able to see the code of the program if you're looking down a website and you see a beautiful website beautiful colors beautiful design you click a button opens a page this is just the design of the website what if you hypothetically would be able to remove the screen of the of this of the computer and you would see the code that creates there the website same thing here the world is created with a code and Adama is shown and many others said they came that we know throughout the years were able to see past this design past the screen and see the Gormley power that enlivens the world and this godly power is built from letters very soon machine is going to come the prophecy of Cheryl says well old boss our staff capiche MD Bell everybody will see that the mouth of a Shem is the one that creates the world the be removed and we would see the godly pound and enlivens the world that Michonne was able to see that so everything was brought to a demolish on he would look at a line and he would see the letters Aleph eschewed in hay in them he says oh that's RA that's a lion then they brought a ox in front of him he saw the letters she in love rage okay that's a show and he started naming everything but as everything was coming in front of him he noticed that every animal has a mate and in Hebrew the majority of the animals have different names to the gender the male has one name and the female has a different name a lion in Hebrews Ali and the female line is Livia an ox is a show and the cow is the power so like this is Maul most all the animals so at some point and I'm shown was like wait a minute why I don't have a mate I want also a wife Hashem was like are you sure oh sure there's no problem I mean you asked for don't be with you up until today we're praying for that but no offense in but that malicious is I also want away a mate no a problem a shame right away put him to sleep in the broad sea separated cover from him what comes a big question why did a Shem create the system that has to be a husband and has to be a wife because the first commandment that Adama Kaaba God is to be fruitful and multiple prove oh but technically regime could have done a system that we just look at each other and a child comes or some type of a system why does it have to be a man and a woman together so you know the Talmud says that a person that lives without a mate without a wife then he doesn't have any happiness then it doesn't have any any light doesn't have anything good going on in their life and you know the Kamala is talking in the tenths of a man but it's applying to the same thing to a woman it says that down below is sharp excuse me shall we below simcha now what a man without a woman is constantly no happiness no simcha and now or Sharon oh ha ha and so forth so technically one can ask why are you.why fig mother saying that hypothetically when are you single life is kind of better can go whenever you want to wherever you want whatever you want nobody runs your business nobody tells you what to do nobody tells you to pick of the surface of the floor you can do whatever you want you know when I was single over like 16 hours a day Doha now to help my wife carry the the shopping help with the kids through this do that technically sometimes they look at people until then why are you complaining other I wish I would be now single no I don't have to pay for such a big house tuition you know what's tuition six kids champaz oh so when you're single you can adhere today today they're tomorrow you there technically when you're thinking about it it's kind of easier better in a more free life when you by yourself why is the Talmud saying that if you don't have a wife then you don't have simcha a lot of people when then they're single they have another sin cloud but nevertheless the reason why the Talmud says that you don't have simcha it's because when you live by yourself you cannot refine yourself and really the purpose why we came down to this world is not to watch movies not to go on vacations definitely not to be a member of Facebook Facebook has enough of accounts it doesn't need you to have another account why are you here in this world and we asked this question to yourself why am I here in this world what I came here just to go from another vacation to an a vacation and work all my life and have a purpose in this world and if I don't know my purpose that I'm in big trouble I need to find my purpose in this world and what is the what is the kailash book was expecting for me i didn't come here to live 60 70 years just to spend my life or nothing so i need to have a certain path in my life and to know what my purpose in life and one huge part of my purpose in my life is to refine myself each and every one of us has a soul the soul in the eyes of sham is like a diamond and the colosseo who gives us our soul when it's dirty and damaged and is now refining now clean it if you ever saw diamond coming out of a of a diamond mind it's dirty it's not refined it's not polished I start polishing it to cut it nice that becomes a beautiful valuable expensive diamond so we all come down here to this world and we have to refine ourselves the great student of that result I'll be fine vitaly says in his book one of his many books in the book called shellac Ducie that we came down to this world mainly through refine our character traits we have to learn to love we have to do Meatwad these are tools to assist me to refine my characteristics and each and every one of us will be born with some good character traits and some bad character traits you can have very positive character traits you can be generous you can be very hard worker you can be honest you can begin a giver and many other things and on the negative side you can have a problem with anger with patience with being judgemental with being jealous we all have a long list of good and bad character traits I need to know how to recognize my good character traits so I can empower them and I need to be humble enough to recognize my bad character traits so I know what to work on now most people their ego is a little bit out of control their galva is a little bit too high and if somebody will approach and tell them listen you have an issue with anger I don't have an issue with anger yes you do but they don't want to hear about it or you come up to a person tells them listen you a little bit it's not responsible I'm not responsible how dare is I was I showed up this week one time on time so mom most people don't like being criticized and they get offended but mainly because I know it's right but it doesn't mean you're a bad person each and every one of us possesses a few sometimes some people it's more than a few but some negative character traits doesn't mean that you're bad it just means that this is the portion when you were gods that what you got and you need to work on so first of all regardless to what we're talking tonight a person has to be humble whether it doesn't matter right now married and not married putting it as a sidenote burner a person has to be constantly be humble enough to be able to look in the mirror and to see his own faults and to say yes only kidding I have a problem with anger I'm a judgmental a very narrow-minded whatever it is I get jealous like that I'm very impatient most people they wake up in the morning and they come to look at the mirror shem outdid himself here this is like the the master of perfection so that's not most people they look in the mirror and they don't see false they just see the world has to thank me today so but the reality is that the right person has to look in the mirrors is oh my kidding I woke up at 9:00 I should have wake up at 6:00 Who am I kidding I'm late to the meeting Who am I kidding I treat people disgusting so and again it's not about putting somebody down it's seeing the reality and it's important that you understand that it's not about putting a person down to making him feel bad it's to understand the tools that what a shame gave me if you go to a job and the boss tells you listen the job is not necessarily what you like but you gotta pay the rent and your job today the definition of the job today is to do this task and here is a tool to do this task I need you to dig a hole here's a shovel I need you to paint the wall here's a brush so sham puts you in this world and tells you I need you to work on your anger here's a lot of people who will annoy you that's it and then I shouldn't gives you a few tools how to deal with it and then go ahead start refining your character traits so the teachings of the student of the resolvable in Vitalis is we came down to this world let the can item adopt to refine my characteristics so different prayer different stages different rabbis in the generations called it in different in different terms they gone from Vilna Cosette Alicia Bharata me not to break them in don't you have a bad media break it don't don't let it close to your obstacle now each and every one of us has a long list of me of characteristics that it has to be refined now how can I refine it I need resistance if you go now to a gym you pay top dollars to the best gym in your city if you go in there and you just sit like this next to one of the machines you think that is going to happen nothing's going to happen you need to start moving around you need the portion to pull and to lift and to you need resistance and even if you go by yourself and you start doing like that now what's gonna happen nothing you need resistance it when you push that thing is pushing you back when you pull then it's holding you back so I need to refine my character traits I need something that will cause a resistance if I need to work on my patience if my character trait is problem with patience then a shammy is going to put all the people in my life that are gonna cause me to lose my patience and if I need to work on anger then a shame is gonna give me a wife that's gonna drive me nuts a boss they're gonna drive me crazy kids they're gonna put things on the floor all day long and and why because that's my task on my mission in this world it doesn't mean you stuck with the state mission the whole life could be there from age 10 to 20 you have to deal with one thing age 20 to 40 a drill deal with a needle another thing you need to be humble enough to be able to receive the job offer from the collage but what to understand what are the shim ohn for me how many times things don't work out in your day and you stopped at anything I share what you learned for me wouldn't it be great to get like a whatsapp message thing I want I want you to be a little bit more polite ah why don't you say so so we constantly ask questions what do you want from me just imagine how cool it would be fashion would answer you but the point is that he does answer you you know he answers you he puts people in front of you everybody in your life are mirrors your parents your siblings your friends your boss your neighbour and if you smart and mainly humble you look at every person in your life and you recognize what as a shame on from you and if a shame wants you to work on your anger and your patience on your generosity whatever he will put those people around you and you just have to have the right perception to understand that so when the Talmud says a person that is not married doesn't have simcha doesn't have a blessing doesn't have happiness why because you don't have the resistance you don't have the partner to make you work on yourself that's why you can't reach to the real ultimate level of simcha because if I have to do some tasks in the world that my wife will be the one who's gonna cause that unfortunately society has poisoned our minds through movies and media and advertising and so forth with what marriage is about you ask now a person what is marriage about you thinking you're walking down the coast of beach holding hands and like you know love you know these hearts everywhere so people you know they're imagining all sorts of things marriage is not about walking into the sunset and just startling that it works on the first day then that's and then the the other whispering is like shadow so so really this is you know and I grew up very very not observant so you know the media brainwashes you and you see commercials sometimes and the commercial is you know the the message behind the commercial is so refined that it affects your subconscious and we are really affected by media and commercials and movies and most people think that marriage is literally about romance and love and this is not marriage I don't know many couples they walk hands in hands and they kiss and then this is good for maybe the first three months so the thing is that what people are looking for the other half they have some type of a dream she has to look like that and if she does end oh no no no I told you that no longer another person came to me and he told me the same thing when he wanted me to help with find him as she do and he told him she has to be five point six feet I said well I have a wonderful lady really she's gorgeous really yet she has a lot of money how and she didn't see that but she's only 5'4 no I don't want her are you serious you're talking here but I know so bend down a little bit what's the big deal so sometimes people are stuck on so many things then of course you can't find your another house now when I became observant and I was looking for my wife then I went to the first matchmaker and she told me what are you looking for I said I'm looking for my wife okay like what are you looking for I said my wife you don't have any request sir well she needs to be Jewish of course she's gonna be Jewish but what are you looking looking for my wife I don't know how she looks I don't know how she acts I don't know if she's far to your shakuni's I don't know if she's tall sure I don't know I never met her but I'm looking for her the show kind of gonna figure out what I'm saying it said what don't you understand whatever you bring me I'll analyze it and if she fits it fits and you know the first date I went on she was divorced with a kid and I'm like 20 and I'm like okay if my wife has to be divorced and come with a kid and that's my wife what am I gonna shoo her off because she's coming with baggage I also have baggage most people say no no divorced with a child no no no no not for me I'm gonna raise somebody else's kid but if that's what if that is your wife what is that your other half you're gonna shoot it off because it doesn't fit well into your to your imagination so most people they have it completely completely wrong they draw a certain line what needs to be how it needs to look and then when you're looking at the actual I don't want to say that word doesn't sound nice but when you're looking at that product you don't recognize the qualities of the product because you're looking at something completely else and this is a problem with many many people and I know a lot of people say no it's not me I don't know what he's talking about well if you don't know what I'm talking about then good but I see with many people that the list of demands is out of proportions I know you you should have a few little things that you only want her to look a certain way or be Harrison away but but this is so irrelevant the look you know after 10 20 years after five six kids yeah that looks completely changes you know the other day it took a haircut I know it happens sometimes I barely have any hair but dr. Erekat I came home and I might took off my al-bakr and my kids start laughing nothing how are you balls like well why you don't don't say to the world that I am I wear a big yarmulke so you're not gonna see anything but they were laughing me that I don't have any hair and I said well every year and I lose their the yarmulke becomes bigger and bigger and you know one point I'm just gonna win with the helmet so but they were laughing at me that I that I was losing air and and and I was like you know I don't care if I lose hair it's irrelevant so what but that's that's how a Shem I wants me to look what I'm gonna stress over the fact that I'm losing some hair but for Lemon was very amusing that I I look a certain way and it only means you know it's so irrelevant how the external part looks the what's important is the internal parts you know when you look at the product from the outside you might be fooled by the design the inside is what makes the difference our sages 2,000 years ago says Isis to kill canula membership at the whole don't look at the you know in English they translated they don't look at the pay for the cover the book's cover don't get it what's inside what 2,000 years ago 2500 years ago our sages said in the Mishnah don't look in the in the in the jar just look what's inside so sometimes the answer to all my questions is right in front of me but I'm ignorant enough or my ego is out of control that I don't see what's in front of me and the thing is that like I said before my wife is my resisting tool I know it sounds very mechanical but I'm saying my wife is the person that is placed in front of me that will touch all the buttons that need to be points that needs to be pressed to get me out of my my my kaeleen to get me out of order if I need to work on anger my wife will be annoying if I need to work on patience my wife is going to throw things on the floor all day long whatever it is my wife is the one who's gonna make me work on myself Mehra working like me don't now the first step in most important is that you can think only of yourself most people when you come and ask him what he wants in your other half she needs to repay this he needs to pay that minimum and MD a BMW and a hundred seventy thousand a year so there's a long list of demands which is okay but I never heard anybody saying who cares what I want let's see what the other side wants never even thought of that usually when you come to look at their wife she needs to be like this she needs to be like that he needs to be like this he needs to break that I don't never hurt anybody saying oh you know what I don't care on that I care what can I give my other half how can I make my other half feel better make her life a little bit better and so forth so the first and most important is that person has to stop thinking of themselves because this is the number one recipe for disaster in marriage is when you think of yourself and a lot of people they don't get married not because they're not worthy or because they're not proving to a shame that they're ready to go into a relationship because a shame says listen I need you to treat your wife nice because your wife is a diamond and if you're not ready for that why should I bring her to you most people in relationship this is the the recipe for disaster and all relationship is when one person is selfish and they're thinking of their selves what is what is even for me if you're going into marriage and your way of thinking is what am i gaining here but then your even if you find your other it's not going to be successful because marriage is about won't can I give the other person this works in everything in life in business and partnerships when a person is selfish thinking of themselves they'll never be successful in anything even in a business partnership in anything so much more so when it comes to marriage if your agenda if you're sitting in a day one of a person and you're saying what is it in it for me because that person needs to be attractive or financially stable whatever it's time thinking of myself I'm not thinking of the other person tried wants to shift the whole method method of thinking is marriage is not about me it's about my wife and I want to say my husband cuz that's not gonna sound nice and with all these cameras saying my might husband feel gonna go so so I'm gonna say wife don't don't don't take it personal but I'm saying marriage is not about me there's nothing to do with me and when I counsel couples about their life style in their marriage then it's less relevant for single people but when I talk to married people and they have different issues I always tell them the same thing before you come into the house after a long day of work or whatever it is take five minutes take a deep breath sit outside with some tea Liam come premium kind of eat something clear your mind get all the the pressure off your mind that when you come into the home you don't come in like a gladiator and start screaming you come in soft and nice you don't know what the other side went through through through the entire day fact that you had a bad day you don't have to throw all this on your Mane on your on your wife the problem with the most that I see in disasters in relationships is when a person is selfish and they're only thinking what is in it for me you have to completely switch the way of thinking that it's not about me it's about the other person this is the foundation to any successful relationship so much more so in a marriage now when I thinking only of myself I'm actually not fulfilling my part in the universe I have a part in this universe a lot of people think they have a very low self esteem and they think that there's just another screw in the system but the reality is that each and every one of us has a huge part in the universe and if Ashim found it right to put you in this world is because there's a reason for that so you need to understand that you have a huge part in in this world but when I'm only thinking of myself then I'm not fulfilling my parts of my part in this universe if I'm single I don't have the way to work on my videos I need to find my other half that will assist me to work on my Madan my characteristics so that starts reading in the process of the dating I can't come to the date with a list of demands I can't come to a date thinking how am I getting the most out of that person to satisfy my needs and this is the wrong way of looking at it this is not how things work so how really do you find your other half what's the what's the method behind what's the secret I'm gonna disappoint you there's no secret there's no hawkers pocus but let's go into history and we'll see how it worked originally who's the first one who looks for Shido have ahmadinejad oh no a llama vino vino yeah he looked for she do for a son for it's hot he sent them yeah but really when you want to go back into history who's the one who was looking for she dude where we seen the 200 towards the source for everything Ohama vino now a family no I said we when you say the word of I'm a venir imagine like this old man or the camel and no hama vino was a tycoon he was a trillionaire he was a minister he could control the entire world Kings came to him and bowed down to him he was something huge reimagining since I'm old guy well you know is shaking hands in the shake you know in a tent he was like the man of the century now his son it's hawk was attractive strong smart rich the son of Mohammed we know technically it's how can get anyone he wanted technically just think of the dynasty who's a farmer we know where they come from that wealth and and status technically it's God could get whoever he wants he could have gone to any single bar leaning on the bar hey wanna marry me but if I didn't do that stock was sitting learning Torah Avraham Avinu sends his servant Eliezer to look for look for Shido most people they go after their eyes whatever the eyes see when people go on and she do you know hey there's so many people that when they're looking to get married is they go on all sorts of different websites and they put you know a profile we started now because we have below Hashem such a big organization we started doing Shido him like matches but in a completely completely different way there's no profile you don't post your profile for other people to look we take the profile we have the matchmakers then we go in a very sophisticated way how to match the people we have a method and we take all the information and the match is done not because when you see each other you gonna website and you see profiles what are you looking for you're looking for other picture looks and if there's a profile without a picture you skip that in a second I want to see how the person looks Jericho wants on a date without looking at the person you know I because the loop is deceiving and you're looking for something in the face and if the face is not positioned exactly how you want to you skip it over and this is the biggest mistake a family know when he was looking where she do for it's like he wasn't looking with faces he wasn't looking at bank accounts he wasn't looking at resumes he was looking for one thing good me--don't good character traits that's how far Medina was looking for a shedule most people when they look for she do they look for how it looks on the outside because III mean F has to be attractive in men and wealthy and so forth and successful but this is the biggest mistake most people they go after what they see and and they most people don't understand that this is where you fail because the the looks that's the man we're talking about necessarily the appearance but the look is very deceiving that's not how you find out your other half and a lot of people like I said before they're mistaking marriage that it's all about love really I can tell you from my own experience really to fall in love is not before the marriage you're really far enough after marriage when you really learn about who's that person how can you fall in love with somebody you never know you don't know who that person is real real to fall in love is when you live with the person and you see the kindness of the person when the person cares for you when you look the worst and that person is looking at you you know last year maybe you maybe some of you remember I came here last year on another on a tour but before that I was going down the stairs in my house and I fell and I hurt my back I had a hernia disc I wasn't in bed a cool move excruciating pain and this is the first time when I really realized how much I really appreciate adore and love my wife why because when I was at my bottom at the lowest that's when she came to help me to care about me to assist me nobody else cared I was flat on my back I couldn't move pain excruciating pain this is the time when she put the socks on my remoten my legs when she tied the shoes when she cared him pain can I help him can I move the pillow and I didn't I didn't look nice I wasn't there you know I wasn't in my best I was in my worst and that's when I saw that that's when she really cares if she wouldn't care I would be sitting sleeping on the bed it's in agony I was like okay that this is this is the real wife she cares about me when I'm in pain and when it's hard for me and when I'm suffering that's when I was like wow that's when it hit me I had a lot of time to think it was flat in bed it's also impossible to read because I couldn't even hold the book it's the first time that I actually heard lectures online I was a good and I understand why people go online listen to lectures all day long somebody walked into the room I was listening to myself it was the speaker but nevertheless I had a lot of time to think and that's when I was like you know it's that's when I realized that when I fell in love with my wife is not when I saw her it's that time when I actually realized wow she actually cares about me it's a real caring some fake and this is the real love where the marriage is none of our holding hand-in-hand and you and you'll fall in love with what's now it's what comes much much later and if you're smart you see a little bit into the future Luke's change money goes money comes they're very good friends that when they got married the husband had unbelievable job was making an exorbitant of money a beautiful house a car everything and when she got into the marriage everything was beautiful seven years later he got fired things went down he lost all the money he became depressed sick don't ask the worst of the worst and shame she was smart she was a true a true trouper she sticked with him awesome now things are better but it just goes to show you that sometimes at the time of the dating or the marriage things are one way and things can change any second so you can't judge things by by things that will come and go you have to look in a person what stays forever not too long ago one of my students tells me I'm dating a girl I like her she looks fine and everything so far is good but what really should I we need to look into her and I told her just okay let me don't just look at the characteristics look if she's she's caring if she's loving if she's security as if she's charitable look at these things these things don't change these things don't change and you don't put her into it for some tests sometimes you know when you go dates you're looking at the external part this is the wrong thing put the person on some tests see if the person how fast that person loses their temper how patient the person is take them on a drive with a big huge stand in traffic for two hours traffic is the best way to test your nerves so you wanna see if a person is angry angry or aggravated or gets you know upset or even just take him on a run it's go but I gonna date yeah and it's gonna drive on the BQE for like just from this exit to the exit why see how fast the person gets upset when do you know the ones who go like this is exactly and they get upset some people unfortunately when people cut them in the street a similar thing will did what comes out of their mouth occurs the parents they know the profession of the mother they know everything so real love is tested when you are in the worst place in you in your life not when you're in the peak and that's how you test if you really want to be with another person when the person comes with makeup in a beautiful dress and everything that's very nice people should go on dates at 7:00 in the morning when their eyes are like that and then you know the hair is still sticking this that's how you have to go on a date not at 9 o'clock at night when the person is relaxed and then you know three hours of makeup and the whole thing should change completely go meet the person 6 o'clock in the morning hi just wanted to see how you look in the morning you think after the wedding you wake up in the morning in this makeup so so you can't fool yourself this is this is what the problem is that all people fool themselves and they want to see something that doesn't really exist have to be realistic now going back again to the to the love part the real love is not when you date the real love is developed through the ears when it's really your other half the love grows you know in other groups and acidic groups and and and different Orthodox groups you know there's a match and they don't really know each other they're going to three dates everything seems to work well that's it they get married don't know who they are they don't get each other in their wedding oh that's you so but nevertheless these in a lot of the cases these are the most successful marriages because based on anything external it's based on perimeters and you know and it doesn't it works I told you now what are we doing all these matches we don't show each other profiles people says show me how she looks I'm not showing you anything I'm not showing you how she looks you're gonna go to the date what a blind date no the blind date we're gonna go through all your information for your information we match it like they used to do 2000 years ago and you know what the match is perfect why because this is no there's no shuts around there's no financial status there's no looks and the love is developed as you go a lot of times I hear for people that are dating I haven't I don't really love him we love him you know in for three and a half weeks let mean you love him what didn't he do to prove to you as you can develop love so first the most important that you have to be extremely not selfish and think of the other person not to look at the external part we have to really look at the inside the PMU two things are not the external part external things they they come and go so this is one of the most important things there's no hocus pocus but how do you start looking for other half when'll ESL the servant of Obama veena went to look for she do if you remember the story he came to the well and he was looking for a girl why would he go to the well what are you gonna let your club why don't do well because he knew that if he goes to a club she'll be dressed with makeup in a dress and she would look the the best he says I'm gonna go to the well where she's gonna come dirty the hair is not gonna be all in a ponytail she's gonna be working you know gonna work with high heels and makeup so I went dusk went to the will and he says I want to see the girl that's gonna do miss it he was looking for the one who was gonna care about somebody else and what does he found a girl that cares about the thirst of an animal she gave water to the camels and he's like that's the one that will fit my Master's child and along this line this is where we have to think what is good for me not how it looks that's why you know go into a club to look for your other half you're not gonna find anybody I mean it's okay so once in a blue moon you hear about a couple that made in the club you don't meet your wife in the club and you don't trust me don't wanna meet your husband in a club because it's all think this is not where you're gonna find the real other half now you can lie to yourself live in denial get married in ten years get after that get divorced why because it's you know you dated for three months everything looked good and then things passed the real other half the connection is spiritual it's not physical it's nothing to do with the physical now don't get me wrong has to be compatibility in the physicality has to be attraction has to be you know a lot of common denominators it's something I'm just saying go completely blind but that has to be secondary needless to say of course it has to be some type of an attraction and and things that you like about the other person but the real search is coming from a more deeper place now like I said before a lot of the times people don't get married not because they're doing something wrong is because they're not proving to a shame that they're ready for marriage and ashame says listen your other half is ready you're not ready and I gave a lecture a month ago you can look at it online where I'm explaining how and this is sourced in the Torah that if one person is in a certain spiritual level and the other half is not in the same spiritual level they might not find each other because the one who's much much greater in their spiritual level but they're gonna match to that person from the heavens the person in their level and then you don't find your real other half I know it sounds very very sad well that's what the Torah explains and that was give the same example that many years ago when I got married we were a group of friends and around the same year everybody got married besides one girl and she couldn't find her husband and every event that we went everybody was married she was the one sitting by herself and there was nothing wrong with her she was young she was very attractive very successful or smart I met an amazing catch could not find her husband and as the time goes by you know we all started at the same time to have our first kid and the second kid and we're kind of the same group of people we grew up together and she was by herself you know sitting always by herself in there you know the way the wedding she was all by herself we couldn't figure out why she can't get married but walk of shame four years ago I lived in New York and I made a layout to reality slide before that I lived in Los Angeles for about a year okay we moved to Los Angeles we were like visitors there we were new my wife tells me don't ask where are we going to eat on Shabbat so I'm like okay who she was like remember so and so of course she lives here she invited us for Shabbat I was like oh great beautiful news and she tells me she's married I'm like what Wow amazing even better news okay we go in there on Shabbat beautiful house we meet the husband like I missed the perfect tall handsome huge beautiful home good job very stable sharp girl courteous polite like literally like a perfect husband oh no we're talking with see little kid running around like a perfect life oh of course was so happy for her and you know as the conversation were going we were like so you know how did you meet where did you meet long story short she was an observant girl she didn't chew out she was observant when she was looking for a husband she was looking for a husband that learns Torah that's praise three times a day she specifically was looking for a husband with a beard she was she had it okay I want a an observant husband we found out that maybe a year before they get married he became about juba so ten years before that when she was looking for husband he was on some beach in India doing another watch but I know what he was doing and I want to say that publicly but but when she was looking for a husband he was in a completely different place so she was in a very high spiritual level he was not lucky for her that they didn't match to her somebody else from Hawaii because the Torah says there's enough sources that explain that if at one person is in a much higher spiritual plane they'll match to that person somebody in their spiritual level him and obvious on the other half and the other one will have to wait or whatever it is and there's many different scenarios in that specific case she didn't get married for so many years because he wasn't his journey and finally he did show up sham smacked him in his face he woke up and a year later he was already in yeshiva then he looked like what she was looking for and finally they were married so many times it's not that something is wrong with your other half sometimes something's wrong with you Hashem says you are not Randi your other half is already reach to the place that they're ready you not you need to step it up a little bit so we have to understand that I have to prove to the collage people that I'm ready to get married getting married is not just putting a ring on and that's it it's a lot of hard work a lot of hard work you have to start developing this relationship with the with the with that person and usually you know the first month or two is okay and that's it then you're stressing anyway that I'm kind of like this person so much it's not what I wanted but that's not necessarily the situation sometimes it's exactly what you need so first of all I have to also prove a shame that I'm worthy now really when I look for the best advice to give somebody to get married is to stop thinking of yourself that's why I started the lecture by saying if I say something that sounds a little bit harsh don't don't take it personally don't we defend it but most people are selfish they're thinking of themselves and the way to know when you think of yourself is when you looking for something too much and you're looking at the person you searched in the date and you stopped judging the person hates like this it is like that she talks like this she does like that and the voice is annoying and this and that's when you're thinking of yourself because you're saying that person is annoying me my highness I mean she's annoying me maybe you're annoying her maybe she's not happy so much without you holding yourself so really the first and most important rule how I see it is you have to stop thinking of yourself and when you're already looking at down the person the best is to test a person in the most extreme situations that's why I told you don't want a date at 9:00 in the evening go the date 7:00 in the morning take the date on the drive on the BQE let's see how much patience the person has so you miss the joke you walked in a little bit later we say the joke before the point is that you want to see when the person is not shaped up and make tup and all that you want to see when the person is real and that's really the way to look for your other half is to for to look between the lines not to look for the fakeness not to look for the external part rather to look at the internal part and really there's so much more what to say but I believe that when a person really humbles himself that's how I found my wife and it's not that I'm different than anybody else I got married pretty late and you know what when I was going on dates and looking for my for my wife and this one I didn't like that one III but I was very open to let's see what a she wants because you know what most likely my wife is not how I pictured her she is not gonna be the same height she's not gonna look at the same she's not gonna come from the background that I was expecting and you know it when you're most the more you are willing to give in the more you'll be surprised the more you coming with a list of demands then you get disappointed but the more you say gosh I'm just sending me just send me the right person and you'll see how the calash but what turns things around that gives you exactly what you need not what you want and when I was going out on date so in the beginning we didn't go out so well and I was like you know what I was only 28 I was like you know I don't think right now is the time for me to get married you know I'm gonna go as Shiva I'm gonna study for like two years you know I got a Shiva after two years it's a nice amount of time to learn though I'm I'm still young I'm gonna be 34 my other half and the second that I committed to going to yeshiva not to look for my wife to it's that I found her so okay you can can blame it so to say on the that the yet said Allah didn't want me to learn and it's nonsense the fact is that I was ready to to subdue myself a sham you just sent me what you want whatever are you ready whenever it's the right time whenever you wanted me to get married then you'll do it so I have to also learn to to give in and to subdue myself to the schedule the kadosh go home most people they they they don't include the shamaness you have to clear included shame in your prayers you have to include a shame in your in your actions you can not include a shame in this and you know sometimes you have to step it up in your in your spiritual org and usually it's gonna be a test I don't know a lot of people they come and tell me missus and you know yeah I know you tell me to pray I'm praying already for two years but maybe it requires two and a half years of prayers and yeah I took it myself all these meats votes all the rappers tell me to take on myself with vote to make it click well you didn't lose anything and maybe that's what you really need to do maybe your wife is in a much higher spiritual level and you can't find her because you're in a much lower level so to kind of summarize exactly what one needs to do is needless to say there's no question that a person needs to constantly involve a Shem and you do is what prayer and you do with your actions you have to be humble you have to see first of all not the other person's faults when you're sitting in a date is to see your own faults and to see how am i how am i making that person's life better not how that person is making my life better when you switch the whole pattern of thoughts you see things come and look become completely different and of course most important that you need to be humbled to see that everybody has faults you also have faults and you know when I was looking at my wife and we were going on dates I was I was not looking at the good things I was looking at the bad things I'm looking for false has to be something that I need to see what I need to work with and you know then very quickly they found okay that I'm not so crazy well this they're not so crazy about but whatever you know the 70 percent that is good 30% is not the best whatever but it's it's workable it's gonna help me become a better person I can help her become a better person the marriage is about Bill the relationship and the marriage is not only about me and her because then very soon after that comes kids and then the focus is not on the marriage the focus is on the kids so marriage is much more than just going into a hope and finishing with it in some nice pictures it's much more than that and of course like I said needless to say one needs to include the kadosh before in everything that they do and pray now is a very auspicious time in the month of Elul you really look at my previous year in Duccio ah we're in a very auspicious time night before Shoshanna our sages explained that on Rosh Hashanah everything that you going to get in the next coming year is decided on Rosh Hashanah so you have now a whole month to prepare yourself spiritually and emotionally and mentally to the devotional that when you come there you pray to the Condors before the right way that he will send you exactly what you need at the right time the right way you have to be very very humble in front of a Shem and to understand that the Kadosh Pope has a certain schedule he works on his schedule not on my schedule and I find that the more humble you are then the faster Hashem delivers your other half and in the best way possible fortunately we suffer from this disease called an ego and it's about me and how am I again what am I getting from here or how is that benefiting me this is not to my liking so the points from now on to take is not to just sit here and I see a lot of heads like agreeing I don't know if they're agreeing or just saying okay shut up you said enough but you know the heads are like well you know I think there's this dog and then they put in the dashboards they're you know the Chihuahua so so the point is not to go like this the point is to say okay let me take something with me tonight that I can apply to change my life if you go to a lecture and you're sitting and you're going out of the lecture and you then don't take something out of the lecture which sides breathing the air here and more make up a chair you didn't do anything you wasted your time I know that most people they come to a lecture they don't take anything with them they think maybe a CD all the flyer for the next lecture the point is to go out of the door and to say okay what am I taking in my life that I will change something in my life so my recommendation is you take with you something spiritual so you take on yourself a certain Mitzvah that is difficult for you to do specifically something that is difficult because you want to have resistance difficult means water work so causing you to grow spiritually and are needless to say that you you want to choose something that you're not going to do it for three days and stop that you're gonna be persistent with it but more than that the the best practice one can do is when you look in the mirror every morning is to look at yourself when you tell us so listen I'm not I'm great myself I also have faults and you know it's if I'm changing my my way of thinking that it's not about what I get gained from that it's what the other person what can I give another person when I in my mind make a switch that I want to be a giver I want to care about the well-being of somebody else where can I make somebody else's life better you starts thinking more about the other person than yourself you're proving to assure them that here I'm ready to go into a relationship because a successful relationship isn't about me if you're going into any type of relationship and you're thinking only about yourself it's not gonna be successful so this message is the same so somebody single somebody who's really married I see so many people they get married they already passed the barrier of finding the other half they just now they were in the marriage and they just don't have a good marriage why because all they're thinking about is what is in it for me so this is this is the the deal-breaker you have to switch your whole pattern of thought is what can I do to the other person and it's not again like I said before it's not only in marriage it's in partnerships and business in anything you have to think what can I do to the other person so I will bless you especially in such a beautiful and auspicious months that a shame should bless you all if you looking for your other half that you should find the perfect and the right other half and a shame should give you the common sense the the understanding to see really your other half when you see it then you know and it's not gonna come into commerce and you were imagining it's like ordering a car and you have a dream that the cars to be blue and then they don't have blue oh man the red one I'm sorry stuck with you for three years so hospital it's not the same with marriage but usually it doesn't come in the color that you ordered and a ship should bless you with their right common sense to see things clear and you'll be able to recognize your other half not too long ago one of the students she came and she was like I'm going on a date oh gosh era for months she was waiting to find somebody finally boat was in there was a date and she was like what should I do before I go on the date so I told her instead of being in front of the mirror for three hours with the mascara and the lipstick being for another man for 10 minutes just put a little bit of makeup that you look nice and for three hours before the date pretty lame very calm maybe go and do some act of kindness help somebody that you have that like to fasten shining from you that you sit in front of that person he was not gonna look at your appearance he's gonna see this beautiful energy radiating for you wine cuz did you diss huge weights well prepare yourself for the to the date the right way don't prepare yourself in front of the mirror that every eyelash is in the right direction every hair is like I'm anxious look just look normal that's a nice clean clothes and but prepare yourself spiritually you know why because when we do good acts we do be salt acts of kindness charity and so forth your your neshama is radiating and you're projecting this amazing light that people see this energy not the external the physicality so resolution and I'm gonna brush you all to be successful and I hope to get many wedding invitations after tonight and share should bless you to find your other half and build a byte name on resale and it should marry to stand under a whole banking machine this coming year the merits to have a beautiful home in the nation of Israel with many kids many healthy kids a house of Torah how our house will be like a mine and the most important thing that I can leave you the messages you should tonight is what can I do to the world to make the world and specifically my other half better and I can guarantee to you that sound that's how you convince the thick the master of the universe that I am ready to our relationship it would be much much much less selfish when you start thinking of others you'll see the adorable will be okay now you convinced me now I see you're ready to go into a marriage and you'll take care of your other half we'll take care of the kids and you're not going to think just of yourself and based on the shampoo this good decision and this powerful month of Elul essential bless you will and Schley high and everything that you do and Masada sham I hope I met you get many wedding invitations is that a shame [Music] [Applause] [Music]