"People Are Not at Ease” | Parenting Anxiety and Happiness with Dr. Colin Geft

Now, there's an enormous, enormous amount of mental health, of which anxiety is number one. As one child says, "No, if teacher asks me a question in class, I will die." And no one says, "Yes, I'm happy." People are not happy. It's people aren't at ease. That's what the problem People are not at ease. Everything comes back to the anxiety thing. Anxiety, not at ease, what I call downtime. This downtime means just not doing something. I certainly have some very, very, very difficult ones, but extremely difficult. Needs cooperation of the child. As the child says, "But you don't understand, I cannot eat." And that's the problem. And as one boy so beautifully put it to me, he said, an 8-year-old boy, "For the first time, the teacher is louder than the children." People don't know that you sing. And I I was just thinking I would love to take out my guitar and sing a song together. Would you do that? Absolutely. It's part of me. Okay, I'm going to go get my guitar. It's part of me. Beyond Therapy, bringing you emotional well-being. Thank you so [music] much, Dr. Gift, for joining me. Thank you for having me, sweet. It's an honor to have you here. It's good to have a podcast just to be able to have a good conversation. When did I get to sit with Dr. Gift for so long? Very eager to go. Okay. First of all, how is retirement going for you? Right, so I have my sights set when I When you say the word retirement, I've closed my office, which was a huge part of my life. I still work 14 hours a week. I have experience and I'm able to share the experience with Dr. Grenfell. He's very happy to have me there. So, I have a very good morning, 4 hours of learning by 11:00 in the morning. Still come home, review DAF Yomi, do the afternoon at the medical and still continue with my religious studies night time, which is what my intent was in retiring, so I can do what I want to do. My medical practice was an enormous part of my life. I gave, as I said, not myself, I gave of myself an enormous amount. I jumped in hook, line, and sinker, did everything I could to help. Great satisfaction. And by continuing to work now in the other medical office, I'm still able to continue the theme of the medical part, but with more of an emphasis now what I really want to do, which I did not s- not have time for with my with my the requirements of my practice. I was very, very busy day and night. And the intentions were there, so now I can fulfill my intentions more, but same time, because I do have experience, I still have a love of my medicine, which is part of my life, and my care for my and the the care I have for the the children, I'm still able to continue in that line as well. So, it's a very nice combination with a higher emphasis on what I really want to do now. Yes, very much. And you're enjoying that. Very much, very, very much. It's a beautiful program and besides my own studying, which I do, and being part of the college showing is absolute a privilege. It's a It's very, very special, very special. And they as Rabbi Goldstein said, there's tremendous talent in To- in Toronto. And when he brings in the different speakers, we gain from them. So, every time I open the door at home, I say, "It was amazing. It was amazing." That's where it should be and that's where it's supposed to be. That's really nice that you have that you have that new mix of learning. Yes, a very nice combination of my learning, but continuing input in medical. And because of that, I still have to keep up with my medical reading is in as requirement every every year in order to keep my fellowship degree, I have to do a certain number of hours of reading. And every January, we actually have to submit a record of what we've learned in order to keep up. Certain 400 credits. You do not complete the credits, I lose my fellowship and from there it goes downhill. Do people still bang on your door all the time? Or at least it's slowed down now. It's slowed down tremendously. The emails have slowed down enormously and then no banging on the doors, knocking on the door. It's also [laughter] come down to a significant reduction. I mean, the DAF Yomi cycle, which is my intention should able to finish it together with the other learning I do on my own. And very active part of my life indeed, as it always has been, but now I have more opportunity to do it. That's really beautiful. I wanted to ask you about medication. It's a common scenario with parenting is you have a school saying, I think it's common, you tell me, but you have a school saying this kid needs to go on ADHD meds. And the parents are like, "Hello, school, engage my kid. I don't want to put my kid on ADHD meds. You learn how to take care of kids with ADHD." What's your opinion on the matter? Who's right? So, this is how we go. We make a distinction between symptoms and a disorder. And that's a very important understanding. >> [snorts] >> Let's say I'm anxious. Doesn't mean I have an anxiety disorder. I function with my anxiety. It does not interfere and it helps me. Many children are not that focused and they have attention deficit. And disorder is diagnosed and defined as someone who cannot function adequately because of it. If he could, then he does not have a disorder. So, if a child's able to with the parents' support, that's very important, the parent encouragement, the child's intention, and the understanding of the school. If all that works and the child achieves, then we do not have a disorder. If it's not working, this child will fall behind, will be turned off, and now the trouble starts. So, sometimes we have to come to compromise and say to parent, "Give it a trial." Which means you're not implanting anything to the child's skin. See what happens. I can give you a 4-hour medication, kicks in in 20 minutes, gone in 4 hours. Did you see something? If I tell you I've had phone calls from a teacher who says, "I don't know what's happened, but I have an Eloy in my class." I have a child with ability. And as one boy so beautifully put it to me, he said, an 8-year-old boy, "For the first time, the teacher is louder than the children." Wow. Which is absolutely defines what the problem is. As someone said, it's not attention deficit, it's too much attention, but on everything rather than the task at hand. So, if it can be done in any other way, and certainly mother said, "I'm not doing it." We don't say, "Well, you know, you're wrong." The answer is say, "If you can do it, these are the tools to do. Employ this, your part, the teacher's part, and the child's part. If it's working, wonderful. If it's not working, consider a trial. And you say no, unfortunately your child reached the point of being turned off, then there is a problem. Because without input from the child and positive intention, there will be and as we said, the fastest runners set the pace. You will fall behind and it gets turned off, especially at the difficult age of teenagers teenage, then we have a potential problem on our hands. Yes, and when they go, they go very far. Go very far in the wrong direction. Completely. And it's a heartbreaking to see what's happened. And I've dealt with so many children who but you see when you can turn them back, it's good. But if not, it's very difficult. ADHD medication can sometimes save them because they feel part of the class. They're able to be successful. The way I explain to parents is I keep using the analogy of glasses. If you cannot see well, you can either walk up the board and look that way, you can screw your eyes, or you can use glasses. All right. If you could do it on your own, you'd have done it by yourself. Fine. If it's not working, then you need it and that's why you're taking it. I realize it's it's clumped under a disorder diagnosis and category, but like everything else, if you cannot do it without it, then you do it. If you can walk without a walking stick, fine. You're going to fall, don't be afraid to use it. It will only help you. Right. Yeah. So, self-image and confidence is very important. They're being challenged. They're They have children of the teenage boys have the so-called challenge of being part of a group. And if you're seen to be not part of them, you're falling behind. If you don't love your learning, you will not be able to learn adequately. It is a challenge. And if you're not doing well, you will fall. And this is part of a treatment. It's so-called a treatment option. If you see a benefit, go for it. Once you don't need it anymore, you will stop it. There's no implant in you permanently. So, I'm definitely in favor, but as I've said to parent, a parent option, a treatment option. If you do it on your own and try all the other activities first. If it's not working, any counseling you want. They want to try supplements. And then you can. If it's not working, I'm available to help you. What's the downside of going on the medication? >> [snorts] >> The only real downside of the medication is I'm going to say the potential side effects, which are two. One is appetite's depression, significant. And the other one, if it lasts too long in your body, you'll have trouble sleeping at night time. But the benefit of keeping up in a class and loving your learning and going forward is so on the outweighing side of the equation that I certainly do promote it when it's very evident to everyone the child cannot do without it. Right, cuz you're saying that affects the self-image. And when this affects the self-image, self-image and confidence are so important. People have to strive. They've got They're on a journey of life. And part of the journey of life is achievement. And coming away with a And this is my my job is to help people come out on two feet, confident, knowing their abilities, knowing what they can call on if they need help, but getting to that end point with a positive love for learning. If you have a love learning as I have had all along, at even at this age now, I might love for learning continues. It's been there all the time with medicine, from from studies, but I keep going cuz that's been implanted in me all along. All right. And then you have anxiety. How common is anxiety in our community? Anxiety is very, very, very at the forefront. As I'd mentioned before, medicine used to be in the old days 95% medicine, 5% uh mental health. Now there's an enormous, enormous amount of mental health, of which anxiety is number one. Number one, wow. We We live in a very, very fast-moving society with very little downtime, and I think that's significant versus the old days. Yeah. There's no downtime. Every spare moment they're doing something. There's no such thing as, maybe it sounds old style, but walking, reading, that's gone. It's activity. >> Yeah. >> [clears throat] >> And busy, busy. And they're busy, busy. The expectations are high. You want to get to university? Fine. These are These are our levels. You don't get it, you don't get in. >> [sighs] >> So, anxiety has taken over enormously. Unfortunately, it's very familiar. Um And I would tell the parents, you have to be the adult in the equation. Wow. If you recognize the child has anxiety, be there to support, identify it, give techniques for assistance, if necessary, seek professional help. Anticipate the problem and be there to answer. Right. >> And that's a very important part of it. Yeah. How How common is it in our community? >> It's very, very common. It's the number one problem that we have. >> Like what percentage of the community would you say? Um See, it depends what type anxiety it is. Um To me, in general, the P children are doing well. If there is any disturbance, it is so overwhelming to have to be anxious that if a new child is coming to class tomorrow, the child cannot go. If a new teacher might be coming, they cannot go. If the carpool might be 5 minutes late, that's an overwhelming situation. So, I I difficult to give a figure. I just that it is on the increase, the number one cause, very interfering. Children cannot go away without the parents being with them. Cannot go to sleep by themselves. Um cannot take on a new course. Right. Life carries on and we as we say, anxiety does have a certain role to play. It gets you to be very on the ball, on course, and ready to handle a situation. When it becomes overwhelming, you now become in a negative direction, and now you cannot function. Yeah. So, if you >> you if it's not too overwhelming. Right. If it's too overwhelming, then it's an interference. Now it's called a disorder. So, you've got to prepare, you're having a big exam, you're going confidently, there's only one thought in your mind, nothing else. Didn't eat that well that morning, but you go in confidently and you achieve. When it's a negative, it's now overwhelming and you will not function. So, it's either generalized or situational anxiety. Um as one child said, "No, if P teacher asked me a question in class, I will die." That is terrible. Yeah. That's terrible. So, everyone has to play the game. Don't ask the question. But it's a problem. Um So, it is something it creeps in to children's lives, and that's what the problem is. >> lives, all over the place. >> Adults' lives in teens as well. And I just see this with with parents as I goes from a parent to child. And that's why I mentioned that as I said, the parent has to be the adult in the equation. Recognize that in certainly the child's presence, speak confidently, be positive. Problem? Solution. There's a problem? Let's handle it. I will speak to teacher, things will go tomorrow, and tell me how you did. Remember you can always call me, I'm here to help you. >> That confidence. >> The confidence and the support system behind it. Yeah. That safety that the kid needs, that Children need to be secure. Children need happiness in their lives. To be happy, you need confidence, security, support. Parents are there to help them. Teachers have to be sensitive to the child and recognize you do not have one child and one uh description of children. You have a numerous children, the very confident and those who need support. And as long as you identify it and you recognize their weakness, be there to support them. And together we spend the child sees they're functioning and they are striving and achieving, then we have reached a end point of positive nature. I wanted to ask you, theoretically, we have uh Remember this bear? >> Yes, very much. Very, very much. So, we have this bear from the dinner. The most beautiful, exciting time of my life. The very very a very big high. It was an an unbelievable experience for me. An unbelievable experience. Really? When I was called into the room at the shul and they told me I don't know what they wanted me for. I was sitting in the shul with with the president and a [clears throat] meal and uh Lawrence Weinberg and two rabbis Felder. I said, "Okay, now what?" And they told me they writing a sefer Torah in my name. And it is the highest achievement I could ever think of. It's so high. It's so beautiful knowing my sefer Torah my name, my family's name, my wife's name, my parents' name, my parents my parents-in-law's name in the in the Aron Kodesh is a very, very, very, very high and appreciated achievement in my life. >> Yeah. That you now own a sefer Torah. It's It's It's unbelievable. [clears throat] It is so beautiful. Uh could not be a higher um higher gift to somebody. Certainly from my part, I It's It's the peak of what I could have expect. >> Wow. Wow, that's really beautiful. And it's unusual. Like so, whoever is watching don't doesn't know you well, you retired and they made a big dinner and they thanked you and they a sefer Torah in your honor that's owned by you that's given to the shul that you daven in all these years. And it's uncommon that a person like you has positive relationships with everybody. Everybody likes Dr. Geft. And it's a really beautiful thing. And relationships, I think, is obvious is a huge part of mental health. Positive relationships in your life can change, right? I'm sure that's obvious. So, what is the key to positive relationships? You seem to have it because you've connected to so many people of all different types. And the more people have positive relations, the better the mental health will be. What is the key? Children, adults, how can we make our relationships better? I have respect for everybody. That's my huge word. Not forced respect, but recognition of the giant neshama at the heart of everybody. Little people are little people. As I've stated before, every single time I ask a child to open his mouth, I say, "Please open your mouth." And thank you afterwards. Right. Why? Because I care for him. He's a person. And it's so interesting because so many people have commented to me and I've got notes, beautiful, beautiful notes from so many people. And the common theme is you respected me at all times. The word respect. The word respect >> Meaning recognition of the dignity, self-worth, potential of each person. Everyone has a job to do. Everyone has a journey to walk on. And I've never been threatening to anybody. They recognize my genuine interest A mother wrote me now a letter after 38 years she heard I retired. She said, "I had not forgotten when her child was born and has an ICU. I came to hospital, recognized that she must have trouble communicating with the ICU, and I went with her in to ICU, spoke to doctors, I relate back to her what their impressions were." And she said that was just so special cuz you cared about me. And that's the word I used. Care. Not a forced care, but a genuine care. I must say to go into pediatrics in general in general >> Before Before we go, I just want to consult down for a second. You said two very important things that for everybody could take in their lives is respect, the dignity of every human being, no matter you see them in their lowest points or the highest points. You've seen people in their lowest points both in every way. And parents in their lowest points. You've seen a lot of people in their lowest points and you still respected them. I respect everybody and I've seen the comeback when somebody gets out of it and he goes in the direction and they're growing and they're thriving. I've got such interesting stories of of different people who really on the way out and I showed my care and I can I can just mention one interesting one. Yeah. Um of the a boy who around 13, 14 years age was having lots of trouble with his parents and his learning. Going down, really going off the derech. And as I said, for some reason I gave him hours and hours of my time. Between 6:30 and 8:00 in the evenings, I would meet with him and his mother in the office. And he did everything but listen to what I was saying. He was looking up, looking around the room, looking everywhere but at me. And I was about the 10th session of me pouring my heart out to him, he said, "I know why you do this." I said, "Why?" He says, "Cuz you get paid." I said, "You're correct. [laughter] I do get paid." Should I tell you how much I get paid? He said, "Yes." >> [laughter] >> I said, "Maybe $40." He said, "Why do you do this?" I said, "You know why? Because I care about you." Bingo. It hit home. And he said, "By the way, I heard every word that you said to me." This boy today I get photos of him. He's a He's an a Lubavitcher boy who's been makarev so many so many people and has never forgotten that somebody cared about him. Wow. And this is what care? Why? Because he was having a tough time. Respect, dignity, caring, recognizing the intrinsic value of everybody from newborn babies to any age, anybody, any ranking, from the little people and I treat every child properly cuz each one has a neshama tehora inside him. And that has to be recognized. Yeah. Treating everybody with respect and dignity is like people think it's reserved for hashuv people or whatever it is, but even if you're a parent or you're saying is even if you're a parent you're taking care of your kid, obviously they have to respect you. But respecting their human dignity even in the hardest moments is so powerful. Or friend, whatever it is, you see people's lives unraveling and still respecting them. I've seen the mother will say to a child It could save lives. You Oh, you keep quiet. No one asked your opinion. And the kid just looks at her. He'd like to say something to her but he cannot say it cuz it's a parent. But I hear what he's saying. That's not where you speak. And I believe so strongly that every parent has to recognize what I call the dignity of this person. And they remember, they hear what you say. As you said correctly, not just rebbeim, not just professors, not just teachers, not just dignitaries, but for even the little people. And what you call the invisible people. Those people who clean the floors, Or then the visible people in shul. The The guy who doesn't have friends or Exactly. To go up to these people and just to be at the smile, the awareness, to make the warm feeling, the warm connection is so powerful. And I will say, you go to new shul, you walk in and you You don't know where to sit. Someone says, "Shalom aleichem. Welcome to shul. Would you like to sit?" Yes, certainly you can. A connection's been made, a beautiful connection and warmth has been generated. And this warmth is an essential feature of a loving relationship. Yeah. That's very powerful, all of that. The a problem that I've been hearing coming up and I want to know how like is this coming coming up in our community, but it's coming up very like like people don't want to talk about it. But um eating disorders. How How much I I've heard about that it's coming up more common, but you only hear it like under things. Eating disorders are very very serious. It's a very serious condition. I'm going to say I really believe that either everyone or nearly every child has land up in the hospital. It's a runaway condition. It starts very difficult to handle. Um child appears okay, but medically they become unstable. We have certain criteria, medical criteria. And once they reach that they have to go to the hospital. How Is this common in our community? Um it is present, not common, but each one in its own right is a very serious situation because it's going to progress. Right. And um But it's something that you're dealing with on a decently regular basis. >> much so. Very much so. Yeah, that's what I heard from different people involved in schools and stuff and I'm not talking about struggling schools, I'm talking about the regular schools. >> Regular, beautiful people and that becomes a runaway condition. And medically become unstable and that when instability kicks in, they have no option but to go to the hospital. And the hospital is going to treat them, but they still leave with a problem. And I'm saying that character I certainly have some very very difficult ones right now, extremely difficult. It needs cooperation. The child As the child says, "But you don't understand, I cannot eat." And that's the problem. "I cannot I cannot eat." That's the problem cuz you have to eat. So it's a very very difficult situation affecting the family, the siblings and the child themselves who spend a lot of time in the hospital and is medically unstable even though it's a psych- psychiatric condition. So very very present there and it's a matter of recognizing it. Each one is a tremendous tremendous challenge because to turn them around has not worked. All our efforts of seeing psychologists not work. They land in the hospital when they come medically unstable. A child went in the pulse rate of 32. That's very very very low. If you had any longer his heart would not Do you think it comes from the idea like that we we promote too much um looks and in shidduchim and that type of stuff? It's all in That's all in the background. That's very much in the background. I says people aren't at ease. That's what the problem. People are not at ease. >> It comes back to the anxiety thing. Anxiety, not at ease. What I call downtime. This downtime means just not doing something or doing something quiet, reading. As there's someone has pointed out, reading you sit the color of the white is a mild white and you look and you're relaxed. Reading or watching a game is this. You're tense, you're on a roller coaster. In the office, no child who's waiting to be examined will sit and read a book. He will be on the phone, doing something, and playing a game. Everything's with intensity is basically what >> The word is downtime is not there. Intensity is there. And when people make decisions, I'm going to make intense decisions. I'm not looking good, therefore I will go all out. And it becomes a runaway condition. You're saying that a big solution for today's anxiety issue is downtime. Taking walks, going for a bike ride. I don't know, I'm just giving examples. What other examples? >> This is what I believe in. This is what I believe in. Reading. >> Yeah. Reading. Reading books. >> Just spending time. Yeah. I would say I worked very very hard in in my studying. I lived in a beautiful town in Cape Town. When I studied, I didn't go and just sit either near the mountain and just look, go to the sea and just relax a little bit and carry on my studies. And this downtime is essential. I certainly I'm I go for walks. I read. Um this I call downtime. Children or If you ask a parent what they their program on Monday, the child goes to karate and Tuesday is dance and Wednesday is pottery and Thursday she's taking three children to gym. Everyone is busy and busy and busy and busy. And there's no what I call the word downtime. And they don't have something to do. Child goes to Central Island and comes back. There's 20 minutes before supper. What are we going to do? And that is the problem. Right. And that creates intensity and that creates anxiety. >> Intensity, anxiety, not relaxed, not a relaxed environment. Right. We need to encourage >> Contribute Contribute These are contributing factors to it. Always on the go, always doing something. They need higher graphics, better graphics, faster. Everyone is faster. You know, the computer you got now you bought 2 weeks ago, ah, no good. I want faster. And that's the internet not fast enough. Right. The intensity Intensity is there. Is there, yeah. >> Yeah. There's a lack of happiness. This is a huge part I believe in. The no downtime. If I ask people who come to my office, "Are you happy?" First of all, "What's it got to do with the general check?" Number two is never you stopped to think so. And no one says, "Yes, I'm happy." People are not happy. We give them the finest education, Yeah. the fanciest camps. You're saying that when you ask the average person in our community they say they're not happy. They never ever admitted to [clears throat] the word happiness. And I believe that simchas chaim is an essential part. Wow. If you had that, then your stresses are less, your eating habits, your anxiety, your relaxation. We're really going wrong if most people are not going to say they're happy. I never thought about it. Never Never stopped to think am I really happy or not. We don't think about what we do have, it's what we don't have. How many The camps are so amazing, these fantastic camps. I said, "You You thank you that you came back. You just thank your parents that they sent you to camp." Well, I go to camp every year. I know you go to camp again. Thank them. Thank them for sending you to camp. These basic Maybe I don't want to use the old-fashioned, but good rules, thank you, appreciation. You sent me to camp. I thank my wife for every single meal I get. Yeah. I will say that every single meal I thank her big for a beautiful meal because I know the love that went into it. Having gratitude in life brings happiness. Gratitude is so important. You really thank her. I appreciate it. >> brings your own happiness. For me and for her and then she's happy now. And I mean it. I mean it every single time cuz I know the effort that went into it. So these are very basic principles that have to be encouraged amongst people. Downtime and gratitude. >> Downtime, gratitude, respect, recognition of who you're dealing with, talking nicely to everybody. Talking nicely to everybody. Um I think so the pace has to slow down if it is possible. And now you have time to thank you and now you have time to be happy and now you have time to be less stressed and now time to hopefully do what your program requires of you. But the whole pace has been slowed down and this is We What is Shabbos come for? This beautiful day called Shabbos. What is it? It's When someone says on Thursday, "Good Shabbos, I'm flying." Because I cannot wait for my Shabbos. My such a change in my schedule with I've done you know days and nights and all that's required as a doctor. Um So my Shabbos is just so so so different. Why? Because that's exactly it. Thank you, Hashem. Thank you for these beautiful meals we get at home. We're happy. We go to shul. Our pace is slowed down. And there it's an action. That's what Shabbos is. That day. So to use those principles applied to everyday life it's difficult. I'm changing trying to change a lot. But that is very very part and parcel of our existence and essential requirements to maintain a happy balanced controlled lifestyle. All right. So that is so important. Yeah. Yeah, I know I know um like I went to camp up at Toronto. And they have downtime there. Like time to chill and we loved it. We'd just sit around. And I remember guys talking about other camps. Like you we don't have a second every second another trip, another this, another that. And I'm just like, "Oh, that ruins the whole wholesomeness of camp." Of just being and just enjoying each other, talking and eating guys what's it called? The sunflower seeds. We had such simple camps. Such simple camps. When I think about it, we had ground sheets and we had tents. We didn't have anything more than that. We had a volleyball court and we were in South Africa so we had beautiful beautiful oceans to swim in. The best time cuz we made it. It's what we did what we did. Time to sit, we sit. We'd sing. Relax. Cook. Just cook shira. Just beautiful moments like that that remain with me. And I take these beautiful values with me wherever I go and I have hope to apply them to my life. As difficult not as difficult as busy as I've been in my in my I've still given been very very very aware of my family uh requirements and giving time to my children, being there for meals, everything I could do as a busy doctor but also recognizing forever my family commitments. No one should say, "Good doctor but didn't seem very much." That's not going to be worth anything then. So there is a balance to strike. >> Very very much family is very very important. Your children are your children. They need you. There's no one else. No one else can give the love that a parent can give. And the parent has to recognize if the child is having trouble that is a further challenge but a challenge has to be met. Right. >> Whatever it takes. Isn't that what I I'm a doctor? This is what doctors do. When I see problem, you know, that's it. Okay. So this is the This is the problem. Now let us see plan A, B, and C what we can do to help. To cure, to treat, or to support. Made a big Made a big decision to leave the country. Huge decision. Yeah. Huge decision. Um I recognized where where I was living I could not with my true heart feelings for every child could not continue to see what I was seeing. And I had to make a huge decision to leave the country. >> things. Yes. The problem was that the children um In 6 miles down the road from the black hospital was a white hospital. And they had like six children's hospital. Beautiful medicine. Oh, wow. The children in the other hospital unfortunately were not immunized. Were malnourished. >> And you were working in the black hospital. I did the both. You did both. You did both. Yeah, Baragwanath Hospital. Malnourished. Not immunized. Susceptible to infection. Came in in extreme medical status. Right. >> We would lose a child every admission because they came in so late. "Why didn't you come in earlier?" Wow. Because I madam would not allow me to leave the house. Wow. So this was very very very disturbing to me. >> let them leave the house because they were They're working. They're working. >> You couldn't just take your child to the doctor. So when they came they were very dehydrated, very much in trouble. Wow. And it hurt me so much. It hurt me so much. You couldn't see that. >> to my first one day, "I cannot handle this anymore. I cannot watch what's happening in here." He said to me, "You shouldn't stay and try and change it. It's not a changeable situation and I hence I made my decision to leave the country and to travel leaving a beautiful beautiful country with a beautiful community. And good weather. Beautiful weather. Gorgeous [laughter] weather. Never saw snow like that before. Never saw snow before. Um but that was a huge decision in my life to make. Yeah. Like we talk about eating disorders. We spoke about anxiety. Um there's depression. A lot of times comes along with anxiety if I'm not mistaken. >> Very much. Right. And you have all these things and these are very prevalent in the community. Anxiety especially. Eating disorders a little less so but it's a it's a real issue. Addiction. There's so many different issues. Very unfortunately. Been very involved with that as well. With addiction. Terrible Terrible people make wrong decisions. Wow. >> Not recognizing that addiction is beyond your control. Yeah. It's not what you want. It's got you. And now you have trouble getting out of it. And they do not recognize. It's like a landmine. You're good till you hit a mine. When you stand on it, it's problem. And I I speak to the schools um on the bad choices of what I call the sad reality. S A D S smoking alcohol drugs. Unfortunately it's an ongoing problem. And not people without recognizing what the end point of the game is. >> Yeah, what the end point of the game is. So you have and they don't realize that. So you have all these different issues, right? Very prevalent. And yet people are so scared to tell anybody when their family life is really affected by whether it is an eating disorder, whether it's just regular anxiety. But and everybody has regular anxiety but this person has it more debilitating or depression. And people can't talk about it. They can't get the help they need. They can't get support from family. They live in secrecy and that secrecy creates loneliness which creates more anxiety and creates more depression. >> Yes. Right? Is that correct? Yes. They're battling a a battle which needs input from many many people and support from people. And care And care and love and recognition. And they're not getting that cuz they're too scared to talk about it. Like how do we change that as a community? Like how do we work on this that people can get up and say, "I'm struggling with this. I need some care. I need some love. I need some support." They could tell their cousins. I'm not talking about blasting on the streets and being like, you know, talking about your private issues but just just like you would talk about a regular sickness. Right. And get the care and support you need. >> with parents. It starts with parents who are able to accept that there is a problem. There is a problem. You like You like In other words saying, "No, the lump is there. There is a lump. We have to work from here." But but but See there's So you're saying medically they're willing to accept the lump but they're not willing to accept the lump in in the psychological world. >> when people have tremendous tremendous sympathy, empathy and great concern for someone has you know a child. But when it comes to the mental it's not that accepted. And the main support system is the family recognizing there is a problem, not hiding it. But the only true support and the guidance is going to come from the parents. Right. And that is where our role as parents comes in. Accepting recognizing you don't ask for certain things but you got them. And you've now got it as with this is the problem. Now let us work from here. Right. Accepting the problem. >> Accepting and recognizing your role as a parent. Your role as a parent is enormous. It's not as not like six points you've got as your job in the in the store. Your job is from A to Z. And there's nobody more than the parent. And parents has to recognize the responsibility Yeah. to be there at all times. Your best friend like use the word friend, not real friend, but your best support and your best one who really cares and loves and supports you and is there to Every child has to know that. I'm there for you forever every second of the day. It's unconditional. And the same way if you look read Ari Fischman's books on the Raising Royalty. It's beautiful books on that. As you said, you can recognize each of these people each of these people has a problem. Yeah. >> That's your problem. Now is it medical? Is it emotional? We somehow have great great great awareness and eagerness to help in the medical field. And everyone must do that. Oh, someone see him turn into He needs Good. We'll go help him. But when it comes to the other part, the emotional and the mental, somehow the attitude of parents is negative of of people is negative and parents might want to hide it. And the answer is it's there. It's like any other problem, has to be tackled, a game plan of action. Right. If you need medication, you take medications. If you need it, you take it. If someone is depressed and says, "I'll live live my life this this." It's wrong because it affects everybody. They see it, he's not part of the program, and it's very negative. >> safe, these [clears throat] medications, right? >> medications that are safe. They are handled by psychiatrist, people who understand it. But anyone who will not take it to me is wrong cuz he's non-functional. Right, both anxiety Anxiety medications are needed when you have a disorder, and the anxiety [clears throat] medications are essential when you have a disorder cuz you have to function with it. The problem is, and this is what you addressed before, who's willing to say I have a disorder or my kid has a disorder, both adults and children, to willing to admit to that. >> That's right. So this is So we say if you hide it, it shows up. I don't care, I won't go, I'm not interested in my learning. Well, we see it. Now the fall, now you get into more trouble. Recognize there is We have a problem. We have a problem. [clears throat] >> that a problem that we can't tell the community? I don't mean announce it on the street. It's not accept It's not accepted. It's not accepted now by the But isn't Shouldn't it be on like a on an ideal level? >> a tremendous stigma that goes with it. There's a tremendous stigma. As I told you, if it's a minor matter or a real illness, he's got this, he can't do this. They're all there ready to help you drive you where you want to go. But when it comes to anything else, unfortunately, it's not that accepted. I think it's a record matter of recognizing that there is a disorder that's not visible. You see? Look at my knee. It's not working, I can't walk. Right. >> Look at my rash, it's evident. It's the identification of your man of your manifestation of your illness showing up in a non- objective manner, but playing a huge role in affecting your overall well-being. You might smile, but your parents know that you're depressed. So get a diagnosis, go for the treatment, go for therapy. I think it's so essential. A teacher can be told very much. I like that. I like that you should be told. Recognize that someone said, "You call upon me to speak in class, I will have a heart attack there and then." So I say, "Don't call upon him. Be there to recognize him. See him falling, be there to catch him." Right. >> That's a nice way of looking at it. So uh friends are a support system, but they might hear it, but they're not mature enough at this age now to take over the care of that child. It's a matter of recognizing it and being aware of it, but it's the parent who's the guiding force behind it, accepting a diag- accepting a diagnosis and making it but not we don't have it in our family. It's there. Please help your child cuz I see him falling. And every interaction he's having is the person is also recognized like, "What's wrong with you? How can you do this?" Because I have a problem. Recognize it, but do not hide it. Face it, meet it face to face, and apply appropriate treatment. So that's that is more than that You see, children hear it. They're not mature enough to understand it because there is a certain stigma, and to take that stigma away is not going to go away very easily. It's it's not announcing it, it's awareness that the person has anxiety and making allowance for it. That's like the teacher The child comes to school, he won't get out of the car. He won't get out of the car. Right. So the teacher's going to be the child say, "I got to bring the child goes in with the car, child." A teacher is there to welcome him. "Come inside, sweetie. Help me with these these little activities here." And make the child feel part of the class, but he could not get there. Recognize his deficiency in getting into class and help him So I want I have just a little interesting idea that just came to my mind, and I want to know if it's an okay idea. I'm People know everything about you, and people don't know that you sing. And I I was just thinking I would love to take out my guitar and sing a song together. Would you do that? >> Absolutely, it's part of me. Okay, I'm going to go get my guitar. It's part of me. >> [singing] [singing and music] [singing] >> Very very appropriate tune. Yes. Thank you so much, Dr. Geft, for coming on, sharing your wisdom, sharing your experience, sharing your life with us and your personal experiences. It's really been a pleasure to have you on. Thank you so much. >> It's been my pleasure. My true feelings, and I've expressed them, and I believe anyone can learn from it and apply it to their life.