Contemporary Jewish Parenting - Talkline With Zev Brenner {Sefer V'Zakeini L'gadeil}

thanks for joining us hline Network radio America's longest running Jewish broadcast network the voice of the Jewish Community welcome to the podcast now tun in to this episode of our podcast today we are going to interview some of the greatest and most influential Minds in our field listening to talk line with Zev brener America's Premier Jewish broadcast on the air since 1981 now we're back it's always great to speak to Rabbi Daniel J gladin he is a prolific writer public speaker author public Rabbi teacher with a global following you can catch with t anytime and he's came up with a new book called vaki legado It's about raising children raising Jewish children especially appropriate in today's day and age and it's published by his publishing at Mone Mar and he's a rabbi called kilas Tois Mori in the five towns so Rabbi glazing good to have you back again hi thanks for having me how are you good thank God thank God I guess it's very timely because as everybody's talking about parenting I see their workshops and something which because of today's stress and all the factors on the outside so it's hard to raise a child it's hard to raise a Jewish child in today's day and age that's probably the biggest challenge of today's time uh to successfully bring up the children that will bring the parents the uh the n as they say that they're all hoping for and it requires a lot of hard work and a lot of prayer and there are a lot of ideas out there um many ideas are not really based many ideas are just sort of invented or uh people just pull out of a hat and like it comes like when it comes to any subject in Torah it's important to have advice that's uh rooted and based in in the wisdom of our T and uh the paros that we read during these weeks are the most conducive for gleaning important messages for uh raising children because here you have you have two kids Yakov and asov they both grow up with the same parents they both have y and Rifka as parents and one of them uh turns out to be one of the greatest men who ever lived and the other one turned out to be the uh Paragon of wickedness so what happened over there and that's something we have to study well let's study what happened that ASV turned out so bad and Yakov so good yeah so look there are a lot of different approaches Rashi seems to make an innocuous comment that most commentaries don't really pick up on but rsham F has a sort of a revolutionary understanding understanding of what Rashi says Rashi says on the words that the youth grew up Rashi says that when they were young no one paid attention to recognize their their Tendencies Rashi says as long as they were young they didn't really pay attention to what their personalities were but as soon as they became old so Yakov went to the house of study and asov went off to his career of wickedness so the simple reading of Rashi is that nobody really realized who the these kids were and once they grew up uh their true nature came out but sham says no it's not that nobody knew it's that nobody put in the effort to study and to recognize the unique Tendencies of yakob and asov in other words says this is an indictment on Y and Rifka now we have to be very careful because our tradition is that we are not authorized to critic I the and the the Patriarchs and the matriarchs unless the unless the sages do so with license but we can't just study their life and say hey you know I've identified a shortcoming we're not authorized to do that but if theal the sages have done that then we have to study study that and the ranin F understands that Rashi is finding criticism with and RKA that they did not study the unique Tendencies of yob and as if they would have what says the problem with wholesale where parents just say well you know this school was good for my first kid this methodology was good for my first kid this rebi was good for my first kid so I'm going to put my second kid through the same system well what works for one kid is a disaster for the second kid because what happened was you know what happened to asov what happened to asov was that the parents tried to turn him into a Yakov and what was good for Yakov was a disaster for Asa Yakov was studious Yakov was reflective Yakov was analytical so when they sent him the to the he was like a fish in water and he loved to study and he loved to probe and he loved to delve and he loved to think and ASV was a man of action asov was a man of the world and the thought of him sitting and studying indefinitely was was impossible for him do we know say that as went to the of sh I haven't heard that well of did that's how R understands that they so to speak try to put him through the system also and what worked for the first kid was a disaster for ASA and ASA said if this is what life is all about sitting in front of the rebi and studying then uh no no thank you and that's why he went off but if they would have recognized his talents they would have tried to hone and harness and develop the talents that asov had but the problem was they didn't recognize that asov had a different skill set than Yakov it sound like you're inditing the ISA system today because we looking for a cie cutter cookie cutter or Pro everybody should be the same not everybody could sit and learn a whole day and then we have to recognize that a lot of Yas don't correct well it's not my place to I'm not going to criticize uh the the yeshivas but it any good teacher has to be able to recognize the talents of uh each child and yes not every child is capable of uh being in the arena of the Bas medis for their entire life that's so so that's a problem where we're talking about parenting today that could be a major problem yeah that could be that could be a major disaster you know right so you talking about parenting that should be number one is not every kid has the same skills and while you want to all to be know your there safer they you should know about and gor not everybody can sit and learn a whole day and we have to be cognizant in fact no not not every child could do that look every Jew is expected to have a certain basic uh y like you know rabby would say a Jew has to know the with Rashi commentary of ran some and other things but no not some like said that there the 12 some are going to be uh who they're able to to sit in the B some have to be vul some are going to be involved in Commerce some are going to be Yehuda they're going to be in positions of leadership some of them are going to be in agriculture and together they form the the Symphony of the Jewish people and it's a the main job of a parent is to study the nature of the child if the child is musical then you can't say well I don't care that you could play you know play the drums play the piano you're going to be uh you're going to be a rebi in a classroom you're going to kill the child and vice versa you know some parents they uh they would not hear that their child should be involved in uh study or in analytics and the parent really had it's their main responsibility to know the unique Tendencies of their uh child so that's probably rule number one what's very interesting is uh actually in this week's para you know God comes to Yakov and and Yakov real who who is this and he says an Hashem I'm the god of Abraham your father and I'm the god of what the god of Abraham your father Abraham's not jakob's father and why why when it comes to Abraham God says I'm the I'm the god of Abraham your father and by his father he says and I'm the god of it should be just the opposite he should say the god of Abraham and the god of Isaac your father so the brings from that and this is also very interesting that Abraham loved Yakov you know you know did Abraham ever see yov ainu for 15 years we have a tradition that Abraham Y and yob were alive together from the time that Abraham was 160 until he passed away 175 the three of us were all together and then and then when uh when yob and ASA grew up at 15 years old Abraham passed away Abraham loved yakob so much and he would call him Ben Ben my son my beloved Son my beloved Son but we don't find even once that said toov Ben my beloved Son we we do find he called someone else b as as you know when when yob masquerad as as he say oh come close he called him my beloved Son eight times he never called yov my son so the says from here we see it's responsibility of the parent don't just say your son's name Abraham isob you have to call them a term of in you got to tell them that you love them you have to express it Abraham expressed to yob that he loved him y never told yakob therefore Abraham is called jakob's father Y is not called AB father it's like I mean I like to say it humorously harshly and a little bit tongue and cheek but but it's true if you don't tell your kids you love them you have formally put them up for adoption and you've abdicated your right to be their parent that's that is a important obligation parent you need to tell you have to call them a term of endearment you need to let them know that you love them don't don't you know if you think back the hey the last time I told my kid I loved him is when he was in Pre 1A because that was the last time he got a good mark on his test you know but you know that's a central responsibility of a parent cuz if you're not going to tell them they're going to look for love elsewhere and you might not be happy where they find that love so that's an important aspect of parenting get back to something you said before and then I want to get back toob is that the Torah says that God was he was an Archer and I forgot which commentator I don't know if it was ROV keski or somebody said that you would think that if God's with a person he'd become an Archer you think he become the biggest but the fact is though you got to give people kids room to go in the direction that they feel proclivity to in this case ishal was an Archer yeah yeah you have you can't force your kids to be something that goes against their nature yeah so I have an interesting idea also on that note that um the gar says that somebody who's born with a tendency to spill blood will either be a or a he'll do circumcisions he'll do ritual slaughtering or or he'll be a murderer so when the guests come to the house ofu and he gives the lad which was isal a job what job did he give yal he said um he said go the animal why CU Abraham knew knew the Tendencies of isal and instead of saying no go to the B Med he said the animal I know your nature so let me try to harness your ability through as opposed through uh other means but our guest is Robert Daniel Jay Glon prolific writer Orthodox Rabbi research public Rabbi teacher he's written numerous books his latest book is called theak legado on raising children and especially in today's day and age and uh it is published by Mone marget you know we're living in an age Rober glany where people and I think things have changed it used to be in Europe for example that of somebody married out of the faith which tend to be more men than women that they sent Shiva I think somebody El for mosha Feinstein do I sit Shiva and my son's Mar on of the faith and mosha said that if somebody's dead you can't bring them back to life so basically you don't sit Shiva and even today where you have families that have kids that go off the Derk and I've been in programs where you see and you see a child come in wearing earrings without wearing a yamuk and they accept him to the table which is a change I think in how we're parenting we don't throw kids away we try to bring them back with warmth and love yeah so you know it's a it's a different time uh there's there's a chapter in this book which is really the last chapter which um actually two chapters in the book it's called in other words uh that nobody is ever Cast Away permanently and we bring that even manasha who who was so wicked that he introduced idolatry throughout the length and breadth of the land of Israel and he did like a half-hearted Chua because he was being cooked in a pot so he says God you know I don't believe in you but if you're out there save me and the angels did not want God to accept the chuva and God made like a special tunnel under the Throne of glory and through that his chuva was accepted ultimately there's an amazing uh story an amazing account and manasha is sitting there in ganeden and anytime somebody does chuva he's like the one who ushers in the chuva so here's here's a situation where you have a kid who completely goes off and to the extent where he introduces idolatry throughout the length and bread of is and in the end of the day there is some rectification even for somebody like that even he has some kind of tick on and the point being is that uh a parent can never give up on a child nobody is ever too far gone that they can't come back you know uh one of my favorite topics is the life of RAB May Balan R balan's famous opinion was that a Jew even if they don't have faith even if they serve idolatry they're always the child of Hashem and if a Jew is always the child of Hashem then uh every child of every parent is always their child and as Bleak as things may seem a parent can never give up on their child and ultimately in some in some vein if I if I may share a very powerful maybe painful and amazing teaching of a saer called was written by R Ben who many are not familiar was a student of he actually wrote The Prayer the first prayer we say in the morning and he says that um sort of words of consolation sometimes parents have the challenge that nobody should have to face of children who don't stay on the path that they would choose that sometimes God does select certain parents with the role of caring for a particular Nish because these parents are so holy and dedicated and devoted that only they could show the love to such a child so that at least whatever whatever God wants out of this Soul he specifically gave it to this these parents because they're the only ones who will be able to bring out what whatever Mitzvah or small tick wants from that Soul so sometimes parents think you know why them why them and sometimes hasem selects particularly them because he knows they're the only ones so to speak holy enough to bring to have the patience and the love to bring out from this Nish what hasem wants out of that Mish so that's sometimes a little bit of to to a parent if I may there's a very revolutionary teaching you know one of the great cabalist today mm is also somebody who deals with troubled youth his name is Reb gam Reitz he's uh the r yes he's a great M and he has a stunning Insight in the AA which is very um it's very powerful you know when God comes to Abraham to do AA soem says Abraham Abraham says yep H Here I Am What does h mean Rashi says a language of humility the a language of being prepared to do the will of Hashem a little while later Abraham is walking with yak and Y says AI dad you're going to do this to me and Abraham says what H what my son behold here I am the same word of humility that Abraham used when talking to the almighty Abraham used when speaking to his son says Ram gam from here we learn with the same humility with which you speak to God you need to speak to your children and if AB ainu was successful in raising a child like Yak who is the next one of the Patriarchs it's because he spoke to him with respect he spoke to him with humility he didn't talk down to him Ram Gamel says that you could say whatever you want he personally deals with many of the troubled youth today and in most cases he says it's because the child feels that the parents don't value them don't respect them talk down to them and like we start with don't understand who they are the parents have in their mind a certain image of what they want the kid to be instead of trying to study who is my child and what what could he be not what I want him to be and says G what we ask a kid to do to do today in 2024 we say you know kid don't look at the prevailing attitudes in society don't look at the glamour of the street live a life of discipline live a life of spirituality we what we ask the kid to do is more difficult than an AA it's more difficult than what AB asked yak and if the only way abam was successful in empowering Yak to pass the challenge like the AKA is by speaking to him with respect and dignity then the only way we will be successful in raising our children to pass the test that they have they are challenged with is if we speak to our children with Anova with humility beautiful thought our guest Rabbi Daniel J Glass prolific writer public speaker researcher has written numerous books including his latest AI legadel raising children you know rabaran has interesting perspective about yuk and Abraham y according to him didn't like the fact that yeso was banned by his mother Sarah and then God said to AB listen to your wife listen to sah he can't be in the same house as y but y reconciled with Y the fact that the funeral of aam you know you have isus the second which means they reconcil not only that is that he asov in the same situation with Asa he knew who ASA was I know the commentators disagreed did he know was he fooled blinded but according to RAB Khan and others he wasn't fo he knew what he was but he wanted to keep him close and that was he did not want to do but happened to isal in his household okay it's an interesting I would call that uh Theory or conjecture but uh I get my my Approach is always to go with the classic uh commentaries no but but look you look your did Chu according to Rashi right you know that the funeral oh that's that's an interesting point I want to talk about you know the right the sages stress yal did chuva you know it's interesting who they also mentioned that ter did Chua right why are they so hooked on saying don't worry Dida and is Dida but but look look at their descendants it doesn't seem to have uh had a the uh desired impact on their Ence so we have a chapter here on the idea that while Chua is always valuable and it's and repentance is always accepted there's one thing that will be lost if you don't lead your life properly and you wait till the end to do chuva and that is it's great you did chuva but you never had the opportunity to bring up your children properly so chuva is always except was always wonderful but so to speak the tragedy of ishma was yes he did chuva but that's not going to help bringing up your children who grew up before you did the chuva so you know that's It's always important to for a person not to delay getting their act together because ultimately children are not going to learn from what you tell them and they're not going to learn from what you say they're going to they learn from who you are and actually Ram taught something very powerful children don't even care about who you are they just learn from how you treat them personally the way the parent treats they don't care how you treated their older sister or their younger brother or their other sibling the way you talk to them is how they will develop so you know yes youal did chuva but as they say too little too late but I like what RAB Khan said regarding the fact cuz the truth is he brought back Huger for his father to remarry run at the same time the came and saw him that's according to the medish and at the same time it makes sense that he didn't he listen he had to know who ASA was he smell the incense of his hide wives okay if that's not a clue that something's not Kosher in your house I don't know what is so obviously he did know but he felt that keeping him close would be better than banishing from his house so it does make sense based on what the Torah says at least from my perspective yeah actually there there there is a medish in the med it says V the matter says yeah he loved him to bring him back so you're saying the psych the psychology of it was his uh what he saw happen in the in the earlier generation with his uncle correct correct correct yeah with with different parenting Styles because you know there was one style that s did another style that yuk did and I guess it depends on who the child is and what situation is but there's something else that intrigues me not so much a child but a nephew Lo L we know grew up where AB took care of him and he brought with him and according to Rashi brings down the measures that after they had a fight and and L went to sidom he parted his way with Aram the Torah says that God appeared to AB and Rashi says as long as evil L was with him he wouldn't come to him because God said you leave don't take why take Lo with you however there's another matter that says God was angry at AB here AB is making all these B jeers you tur all these people onto God and your own nephew you can't do so God was upset and he kept himself from a for that very reason yeah again different parenting skills how how you're supposed to do it's very difficult and today's day and age I think we need a lot more love and tenderness because as you said that's what brings the people together and if they don't feel love in the household they're going to leave they're gonna get turned off it's very easy to get turned off yeah I'll end with um you know R Schwab if you ask most people how do you define being a parent like what is the definition of father so people say I don't know teacher guide Mentor instructor you know uh Yosef says when the brothers were getting nervous when ysep revealed himself so ysep says you know don't sweat it God sent me here he made me what does Rashi sayat a friend and a supporter says RAB from here we see from a simple Rashi the definition of father the definition of parent is best friend and he says the barometer to determine how good of a job you're doing is are your are you your kids's best friend in the world you know some the old style parent says well I'm not your friend well maybe maybe maybe that's the problem right maybe that's the problem in fact one more thing you know at the end of this week's paraa it says that when love catches up with yakob yob calls his brothers rash says Brothers yakob doesn't have brothers Rashi says bov says from here we learn that if you want to have peace in your house you need to treat your older children like they're your brothers not like they're your inferiors then you'll have peace then you'll have peace he even brings from the has a numerical value of bav Brothers yeah but Olivia one other thought with paren as we close out you mentioned in par where Yakov gets upset at R he says instead of God instead of saying being sympathetic to her which he should have done for good parenting skills uh he got angry at her so according to the m he was punished where yoseph later on went after died yose was asked by his brothers to forgive them and he a instead of God so he was punished by that by using that insensitive phrase to ra ysf used that insensitive phrase to his brother even though Yos wasn't born when he said it but the impact you have in the household has an impact even to The Unborn children I thought a wonderful thought that I saw W very powerful what's your next safer going to be the next one is uh for art scroll on uh the worku on awaiting the coming of the Redemption and then might this book is in Hebrew you're going to be translating it to English this book is in Hebrew if if your audience wants to take a look this is what it uh looks like vak legado it's available in uhum stores and uh on our site rabid dg.com with free shipping rab.com give that website one more time so that's uh rabid dg.com with free shipping you could get the the safer V Zak legado yeah anyway thank you wonderful discussion we have to have more discussion about parenting it's I think one of the biggest challenges that we face today is how to deal with children in today's society with all the outside influence but also the pressure on the household whether it's pessa whether it's fighting divorce so many issues that we have to deal with and I think I enjoy that conversation we must continue it thank you very much thank you for your time thank you