Shidduchim For Girls with Rabbi YY Jacobson

okay everybody welcome to tonight's sheer um first i want to start off saying tonight is our fifty first year that we're doing here uh we usually do sunday night cheering but this is a special series with rabbi yui this is part three of three um and it's gonna be an unbelievable shirt tonight there's so much to talk about and i want to just really jump and get started right away again i wanted to say this platform is really growing we want to thank all the viewers people are involved a tremendous amount of whatsapps emails texts it's like all over the place um this week alone i've gotten contact from brazil from uk from china we got in from asia and uh i got a call from australia so we're really uh i used to call it the lakewood based program but now it's really the worldwide program and barak hashem tremendous feedback we really want to help everybody and um in every tons of topics and we're trying to cover them for all those who are watching the replay of this video on youtube please click on the like button for the video and also please click on the subscribe button for coach monaco so you could you know get every new video that comes out i want to first start off giving a special thank you to mrs sasha friedman from california she's actually a girl's dating coach who helped me today a little bit with the questions i want to thank her again at the end of the share management send out a recap email with her contact information if anybody feels that would be useful to have a dating coach it could be very helpful i want to start off again also thanking all of our advertising sponsors who promote us all over the digital world first we'll start with the liquid scoop who always promotes us from our home base in lakewood new jersey special thank you to robbie anil from kazakh um thank you always for promoting us special thank you to mrs mika sopher from cll live for putting us on the website a special thanks to kyla california from jcn for always promoting us across all the digital platforms um again for anybody who's the first time here uh we have a share every sunday night at 10 o'clock and um it's the same as zoom id you know we speak about different topics that you're not sure one second okay and okay again next sunday on 4 25 this upcoming sunday we're gonna have tom kaminetsky he's gonna be coming on this year hold on one second there's so many people sometimes it gets a little bit blocked off usher now we can't hear you now i'm good again so this upcoming sunday 4 25 we're gonna have shaun tomneski one of our shoes philadelphia we're discussing how to bring our marriages to the next level so i'm gonna show everybody here tonight who's tossing dating if anybody who knows people are married it's gonna be a tremendous share please come and join us at ten o'clock again the coachmen show is collaborating with okay clarity to bring greater health and wellness to jewish community okay clarity is the online platform for mental health support and jewish community their online platform you can find the best therapists coaches and nutritionists engage in forums and stay inspired links will be found at the email at the end of the show we'll send it out again tonight we have this house in honor of having rabbi jacobson thank you so much for agreeing coming on this whole share started because um i said this you know the topic of dating was a big topic this is actually part three the other parts are recorded they're on the right by yy's youtube channel on his website on coach monaco's website the first part was for the parents the dating point of view how to deal with children the second part was for the buckram and tonight part three of three is for the girls and for the woman to deal with that so let's start first with the opening statement from coach monacom and then i'll take it back thank you thank you very much i'm happy to see everybody on a thursday night even though we're we're still um we're still on a high from sunday hashem the positive feedback that's coming in um from what we had from two weeks ago from last week in barcelona everybody we we really appreciate whatever feedback it is and tonight hashem we're up to part three of the three-part series for the girls and i see there's a lot of uh there are some men shot hanum that came on tonight that maybe gonna pick up some uh good uh some more information so they could help out to understand the perspective of the girls and which is very important you always have to put yourself in the other side's shoe to understand what they what they want and tonight we're going to hear a lot what what do i want what do they want so so we can figure things out but i just want to mention the the feedback that we got about this program um that people can send their questions and many times they don't have where to ask their questions and over here you could send it in anonymously and it gets discussed like a lot of topics we put on the table and not everybody knows where to go and who to ask which is which is good bar hashem and like tonight very very interesting questions from all different ages perspectives from all sides i don't know if we'll be able to cover everything because there's a lot of questions and obviously live goes first but uh the basic questions you know from how do i know what i want how do i know what he wants and how do i know if i'm getting what i want and then and then on how do i know what love means what is falling in love shall i look for it and then it goes to in seminary to teach me to be happy with uh what i have and not to look for anything you know not for too much money and then we start shidduchim what does he want a few years so what do we do so robert jacobson with hashem have this host to have you tonight to thank you put the things on the table and hopefully people will be able to get insights and the the most important thing is once the discussion is started we they can continue it with their mashpee and madrid and with the dating coaches wherever it is so at least you know the topic again let's start tonight was sponsored by klein's ice cream i recline is a big big fan of rabbi jacobson on the platform and um as we always say we love klein's ice cream right bottom line right away the best ice cream coins ice cream best the best that's why i'm so slim right you do this the skinny cal version okay then let's let's just put out some some some things that this guy had a conversation there with robert wallace tonight we're going to be discussing many topics in the dating forum um it's again we're talking from the woman's point of view the young woman that's dating all the questions that come up we're trying to cover ground this is meant to be interactive people could ask so let's let's listen to that we got a tremendous amount of questions a little bit in a different category from divorcees remarriage where things are much more complicated and it's much more there's much much more levels to understand in that level so i discussed that with gravity how to deal with that so he marks him agreed to come on on may 23rd on that sunday night and the topic is going to be life after divorce the whole power of divorce and the remarriage and the blending so a lot of the questions that came in there we actually saved it and we're going to get to that and that's going to be a very big share so let's let's try to focus tonight just on you know young woman dating even if somebody's remarried we could talk you know the dating but just focusing on the dating not all the complications that get into that it's such a detailed sensitive topics that we want to really give at the time that stated so i wanted to just clear that before we even get started and um also it's gonna say a lot of people texting because i set up countries i got texts from argentina and mexico you're worldwide and i'm letting you know so let's start off with the opening driver please open it up thank you so so much thank you my dear friends of usher pardon us thank you my dear friend coach menachem and i really thank the hundreds and hundreds of people who are with us i see we have and i in hurricane here with so many people barak hashem our dear friends from the whole world i want to welcome all of the young women who are here with us this evening whoever else is here with us this evening and i think um usher this is my fifth time on your show right you really don't like what i'm saying i was muted okay just give me a thumbs up you could see in here yeah the fifth time i'm not counting because we have so many more to go about there wow so i am i'm it's really really always a thrilling privilege to be here with you guys and to be here with so many special souls from lakewood and misham ayurveda cooley from really literally the whole world every every evening we have together is always a meaningful inspiring transformative and really thrilling experience the interactivity the questions the dialogue the people who come on live the vulnerability the honesty the integrity the the eagerness and longing to grow and and work on ourselves and create more amazing and beautiful and and meaningful lives and marriages so tonight obviously after our two sessions where we had a folk 1-1 on dating for focusing on parents role and then we spoke about young men in our last session today fight this was before pesach today finally we deal with the acharya sabayas the future foundations of our homes they say the young women so just as an intro to our conversation let me remind you a few things that you know may be obvious but it's always good to remind ourselves and that is what's the first thing that the toyota describes as not being good what's not good speaks a lot a lot about a lot of things that are not good and that are good what's the first thing throughout the whole creation it says hashem saw everything and it was good poive and then tave my eyes but then there comes the first lighthouse and the first thing that tethered says his lifetime is loitrev it's not good for the adam to be alone and what's going to rescue adam from being lavaday from being alone his spouse connected i'm going to create a help for adam against him and then it says berlin the great rosh shiva and robert he says are you is she a help or is she against him is she an asia or shia connect there she also asks the question it's a big question of the castle and his answer that it gives is that sometimes we become the greatest help to other people when we are connected when we are against them not in the sense of fighting but in the sense of expanding their horizons of allowing them to learn about another life another person another perspective because the purpose of marriage is not to obliterate the individuality of the people it's azer connected i am helped most you are most helped through a relationship with otherness through somebody who is not me somebody who every day i create space for this person every moment every hour and together we learn to love each other and to grow together i once saw a t-shirt i'm very easy to get along with once you learn to worship me but that's not the jewish definition of marriage it's to take us out of levade of that space of aloneness the real challenge is sometimes people feel they get married and they're even more alone a woman once said before i was married i was incomplete now i'm married and i'm finished so the big question is what should be our mindset during dating how do i know who is the right one he's the wrong one what are the red flags how do i know if i'm ready if i'm not ready what is love these are fundamental questions and i want you to feel free to bring up whatever you would like if you want to come on live that's great or chat or whatever but i would just like to say the onset a few questions that are worthwhile for you to be able to answer after a significant time of dating before you decide to get engaged and get married here are 11 questions that i would like you to reflect about if you need to take notes take notes if not you could re-watch it and if you have a good memory you'll remember it most of these questions my sister-in-law sent me she read a wonderful book she told me by shanna levitan from israel titled i only want to get married once but most of the questions come from there i added also question number one young women should ask and i guess young men should also ask do we share the same basic goals and values or not it's not judgment or not not about judging you or him or her but do you share basic goals and values and i don't mean every detail every nuance but basic number two are you relating to the person you're dating or you created an image of them and you're relating to the image not to the real person we sometimes imagine a person who we would like them to be but it's not who they are like a statue in our mind and that's what we relate to but you're actually relating to the real person number three can you admit that he has flaws and can you identify what they are are you also honest about your own flaws and your own shortcomings and your own challenges next question does your relationship have healthy boundaries are you obsessed with each other are you choking each other you have boundaries not just physical boundaries also very important of course emotional boundaries there is you and there is he next question what do people who are close to you think about him what is their opinion about him next question do you respect him is there mutual respect does he respect you next question can you be open and honest with him do you trust him another question how is your communication how well do you get along another one does this person bring out the best in you does your life become more meaningful more inspired more empowered more invigorated more smack more fun more excited in his presence next question is he flexible does he know how to compromise how big or small is his ego does he like himself or does he hate himself is he kind is he a mensch important last question if he never changes never do you still want to get married to him now i'm not telling you what your answers to these questions should be but these are some questions that you should consider because i think they can give us at least a general perspective about a lot of things that really matter in life thank you for listening for that opening um let me just tell everybody what's going on we're getting a zillion questions like literally a zillion so for anybody who wants to ask live please that they can go first we have a bunch of live wedding waiting and we have a wedding we have a bunch of live waiting and um good good freudian slip good for you so so let's start first with the poll question i just want to get just get a feeling from the crowd we made a call just to get everybody a little bit interactive everybody can answer it's anonymous and then from there we'll get to some of the questions that are strong okay somebody typed up everything you said and we just put it on the chat so everybody could have all those steps written up so thank you whoever did that there obviously a fast typer okay so let's put out the poll questions first okay you ready for the singles to answers only for singles if you're married don't answer this question what age group are you in are you 18 to 24 22 through 26 27 through 34 or 35 plus so please answer that question the second question is what is the hardest part of the dating process for you specifically not enough guidance through the process a hard time getting honest good information the uncomfortability of the dates or simply just having not find the right one yet so please answer those two questions so we can get a feeling from what's going on and then we'll take it from there again anybody wants to ask a lot of questions we're getting tons of text literally i probably have like 2 300 texts over here so it's impossible to even read them because by the time i read one another one comes in whoever's wants to ask live let's go and we'll start with so we'll start with one first rapper wow i think it's a very powerful one and then we'll let the the item ask okay so let's share the results with everybody here we go okay so over here one percent of the people rabbi yy are eighteen to twenty one so these are a lot of young people i'm assuming a lot of first-timers from the ages of 20 to 26 30 27 to 34 18 and 35 plus is 12 so you see the crowd we're dealing with number number two what is the hardest part of the dating process for you 18 of people said not enough guidance through the process 30 percent are having a hard time getting good honest information 11 the uncomfortability dates and the number one answer 58 simply having not found the right person yet they could export the screen okay so let's start with the first question okay and this is again we got a lot of emails we just put them together because they're all basically saying similar things so let's start with this question i am 34 years old am i supposed to believe that i will get married still or i just hope and daven that i will without being assured of the outcome what happened to all those older people i never that never got married is it possible that someone's tackles doesn't include being married isn't it a human need and desire to be married so how can you live being denied such a need if that's the taco sabrina rabbit wow this is what you call uh sprayed into the thicket of things so first of all i want to thank you for being with us and for sharing candidly with and us be told i don't think from our experience in history from everything we know about life and our sages teach us do not give up hope now every person's journey plays itself out i don't know and we certainly don't understand the reasons you can have a younger sister her first date she was 20 years old and she found the right person you know sometimes we can rationalize it this way in that way but ultimately at the end of the day the journeys of people's lives are so mysterious and inexplicable and we all have to be humble and reverent in the presence of ourselves in the presence of others who go through these journeys we don't know always the purpose of one's life how it plays itself out what god's calculations are why people have to go through things why is it so difficult for some people to find their soulmate and so many other questions that you and i have in life but what i do say is the best attitude in life is always never to despair and to feel that we're victims of our circumstances always try to be proactive never lose hope and surrender to despair and we all know people i have just i just celebrated the sims somebody i know very well he told me clearly there were times he never thought he'll be able to get married he's an older person his bride his wife told me the same thing this is a little while ago she never thought they dated so many people both very interesting people and they just didn't meet the right person but you know what the miracle happened the gemara says questions marriages are like splitting of the sea why do they say that the point is that any marriage even the simplest marriage that happens in such a smooth fashion is also a miracle for two souls to come together from seven billion people for two souls to come together and be able to create an amazing marriage it's a nest god could split a big c he could split a small c so i would not surrender to the spear so you say why did it take so many years how is it going to play out why is it happening this way i really don't have the answer our job is to be here for each other to be empathetic not to be judgmental but what i say to you is don't look at your life thoughts for shalom as a wasted life as a wasted journey yes there are setbacks there are failures sometimes there are very profound disappointments and we have to open ourselves up every moment what is it that hashem wants from me today certainly our minds and hearts should always be open to a positive attitude to a liberating attitude because you know why when a person has a positive attitude it attracts goodness the famous expression of the tsam sadiq but the zohar says it already our thoughts about reality affect our reality it affects how people feel about us it affects our relationship to the world sometimes it's hard we wake up in the morning and it's like another day and we have to work on ourselves we have to challenge our thought processes but to go into a place of despair is something that we should not do to ourselves even if we're triggered and even if we have those moments but it's not the place you and i ever want to live in despite the fact that life is filled with disappointments and frustrations great answer by the way powerful okay let's we have so many live questions let's start with one already okay you're on hi uh good evening um my question is do you have any advice for someone who doesn't fit into a box not by their background not my job but who only keeps getting suggestions for people from a very narrow box great question i love it i love it usher you love people are out of the box no yeah you know i want to tell you mindy somebody once called me rabbi y i will never ever ever go into the box the only time i'll go into a box is at my funeral so i told them i wish you that even then you shouldn't go into a box you should defy all the conventions the point is i'm saying this in a little humor and just but i get it and i think it's important for you to express to the people who you trust and people who love you and care about you that you really need a person who you can share a life with and that means a person who on some level can appreciate your soul your heart your humor your psyche i think it's important for you maybe to communicate to the people who are helping you who are assisting you you know what you're searching for is there open communication between you and them do they understand you a little bit if they completely don't understand you then we have another problem but if there are people around you confidants you know whether it's parents uncles and siblings good friends rabbis rabbits who are helping you you should really communicate to them you know what is it you know what style what type of person you're searching for and and let's open up the opportunities let's go out of the box in realizing that there are a lot of types of people in this world as you know hashem bless the jewish people with so much diversity there's so many different types of people and i'm sure there's one extraordinary uh out of the box person for you but i think it's very important for you to communicate this and and get assistance of people who can offer names who can introduce you who could bring things to the table etc i just have a question they say opposite attracts is it something that would come up over here also that she would meet somebody perhaps you know out of the box is also a little bit of an ambiguous term what does out of the box exactly mean of course if we have a definition for it it's not out of the box anymore but you probably mean you weren't specific mindy so i don't know i'm i'm you know doing some speculation which is really not fair but the point is as follows to really be out of the box also means not to reject sometimes something yeah that may look like it's in the box but really it's not so much so much in the box in other words being out of the box also means that i'm out of the box from needing to always be out of the box okay amazing remember let's go to the next live one see if she's on hi you're on um hi my question is how to deal with close friends getting married and having children and feeling stuck in shidofan like while feeling stuck yeah that's a very very important question friends are getting married walking around with carriages right always talking about the new type of carriage when you go out for coffee and you feel stuck it is so so important these two words self-acceptance it's so important for you to be able to understand and it's true for each of us in our own lives and that is we want relationships we want friends it's important to have friends you know social life is is critical i said before lo tova yes but it's important for you to be true to yourself and to really be comfortable in your own skin and that means also to have a certain element of acceptance where you are in life i could look at somebody else learn from them sometimes i'll be triggered with jealousy but i don't want to live in that space because i can't live somebody else's life what do they say god created us all as originals but many of us die as copies don't live somebody else's life because that person's life was taken i want to learn from people i want to be inspired from people sometimes i get jealous from people but it's not the space where we want to live the mental space where you want to live is remembering what the mishna says in sanhedrin 38 person is obligated to say the world was created for me now at the surface it sounds like an arrogant statement the world was created for me so i say the world was created for me archer thinks the world was created for him coach menachem thinks the world was created for him and my mother-in-law thinks the world was created for her and everybody thinks what type of world is this going to be because it's going to be but the truth is it's saying something very powerful and very humbling and that is there's something about my life that is unique there's something about your life that is unique that the whole world was created for that unique contribution that you give to reality that nobody before you and nobody after you will ever be able to give and everything is at stake because of your indispensable role that hashem put you here in this world for and when i can understand this then i can really make room for where i am in life with compassion with rachel men i want to challenge myself but you have to have compassion for where you are and those boundaries are important if you have sometimes people have friends maybe inadvertently you know i know a ca i know a woman suffering from infertility and she told me that her friends ask her out for lunch and every time she went all they talk about is the children and the babies and the carriages and the new babies she can't have children so it's hard for me to understand what are the friends thinking i mean they know about the situation and i'm sure they don't mean bad they just they get into the conversation and i told her that you could respect them but you have to have boundaries if you're coming home every time when you go out with them and you're crying for two hours either you're close enough to them to explain this to them and if you're not close enough to them to explain this to them you have to have certain boundaries i think it's important for each of us in our own stages of life to be able to remember how valuable relationships are but also to remember that we have to protect our boundaries our integrity and really become comfortable where we are in the world okay but i want to cover some questions over here um i'll do this question i feel like it's actually from a younger person okay i see i see people that get married and become less happy people one of my friends used to be very happy and then she got married to a very judgmental man now she's constantly comparing herself to others and has a sad look on her face did she make a mistake who with who she married how can i know the person i will marry will not bring out the negativity in me like it did to my friend amanda document have been dating now for a while i've had a hard time connecting on a deeper level with the boys that i have dated they seem to be very logical on the surface but missing the emotional part what do i do if i feel i cannot connect with them great great question and the answer is like this it's very hard to judge another person without having an open and intimate conversation with them so i can't really make a comment about your friend's marriage whom i don't know and you may not know some factors just number one if you're really close and you have an open conversation with her that may be helpful to her maybe she'll appreciate it for your sake and also for her sake but in terms of yourself your question is about yourself so the truth be told is as follows we cannot get to know somebody through dating even if you date somebody for a month two months three months even if you date somebody for six months you know in the secular world people date for years and then they get divorced in some places there's 50 divorce rate but they dated for six years i don't understand the answer is that dating and marriage are two completely different worlds completely but even if we date for a long time we know a lot about each other ultimately living with somebody as a married couple is a new reality and life changes us you know there is changes in the body and changes in life and there is family that grows and there's challenges that come up and there's loss and there's illness and there's psychological changes there's so many things that happen that really it's impossible to predict all of this during dating but during dating you want to be able to know certain things that will be very very helpful that's why i did this list of questions because you want to know at least that you're going into a marriage with somebody with whom you'll be able to have a disagreement somebody who will hold your hand through thick and thin somebody who may not be perfect but they'll be accountable these things you could know during the date i may not know any everything about the guy during the dates but i could know enough that he is the guy i want to experiment with he he's the guy i want to go on the journey with marriage is a hike and trust me it's a long hike beijing hashem and it's a winding hike and it's an interesting hike but you know what you want to make sure that he's the guy you want to go on the hike with he is the guy you want to go for a journey of exploration and adventure and discovery he's the guy you want to be with on the roller coaster hopefully the roller coaster is always going up higher and higher and higher that's what you want to know and that's why it's important don't ignore things during the day sometimes people minimize things if it's bothering you talk about it bring it up yeah it's important to have people you trust with whom you could bring up things because there's red flags yes you could know enough to make sure the azir hashem at least in most situations of course there are exceptions that the person will bring out the best in you the person was not a judgmental person that the person is a flexible person that the person will help you celebrate life rather than the other way so these are things we have to be conscientious of and we often need the assistance of confidants friends therapists parents other people we trust to help us through to help us navigate this process don't rely only on yourself you have to rely on yourself because you're the one making the choice but it's so important to get feedback from people who care for you and know you okay here's another question what if i'm on the quiet side especially around new people i don't talk much in general especially with people i don't know how do i navigate the first few dates great question uh great question so i grew up i had a teacher a very victimized and the joke they used to say about him was he doesn't talk a lot and his wife doesn't talk a lot so when he came out when he came back from the after a few dates his mother says name it label label you like yeah you like uh you like what you're seeing you like the the girl the young woman he says well she does i like but she doesn't talk a lot so the mother says if she doesn't talk a lot so how do you know he says when she talks i like what she says so the point really being is that i don't think it's so important you know to judge yourself if you're the loud star type or the quiet type every person has their nature and it takes time by nature to be shy at a date is normal it means you're a sensitive human being it means you're a dignified human being you know pools in china shops are not appreciated you're going out on a first date it's good to be nervous it means you're normal the fact that you're feeling this is a new person it's serious respect that about yourself the important thing is not how loud or quiet the important thing is that there is good and honest communication in other words you're giving him feedback to his words he's giving you feedback to your words you're asking questions that are important for you and you're communicating in a way that is authentic don't ask yourself am i loud am i quiet you're not here to impress you're not going to change your nature every time you meet him that's not the point of marriage i'm sure there are unbelievably wonderful qualities about you you have to believe in them and when you want to share something you'll share something let's face it some young women are very you know positive and communicative and they have a lot to say and some people are very quiet if i could tell you a little personal story on my third date i told my wife that i once heard that there was a bokeh yeshiva and he didn't know how to date how do you speak to a girl said the first date you talk about food the second date you talk about family and the third date you talk about philosophy okay so the first date he was quiet you don't talk to a girl after two hours he says do you like spaghetti because he said no the date was over this is the joke i'm telling my wife she wasn't my wife yet we were dating the second date rosh shiva said family so he's two hours he's quieter two hours he says you have a brother she said no okay the date was over the third date you have to talk philosophy so after two hours of silence he says if you would have had a brother you think he would have liked spaghetti and the date was over so my wife now my wife turns to me and says you forgot the end of the story i said what's the end of the story and then the story is they got married so we also got married the point being of course is don't judge yourself how quiet or loud you are the most important thing is that you should feel that you could be real with this person and he's being real with you and you'll say what you want to say and have to say and you want them ultimately to appreciate who you are as a person you're not going to create a substitute personality during the dates okay amazing let's go to another live question over here okay [Music] um this is what a quiet date looks like that's this exactly let's practice let's practice don't get awkward we're talking now on the dates i want to let's go with this question i noticed some red flag behaviors throughout the last few days we like each other and it's going well i can even see myself marrying him how much do i need to pay attention to those small things that keep on coming up small red lights i would pay it's great question so of course there's no one rule i personally would advise my daughter to pay attention to small red flags and continue seeing how they develop not because they're necessarily big maybe they're not very significant but give yourself the time because you don't want to regret these things you know sometimes people have told me we dated and i asked somebody somebody got divorced recently and it was very very difficult and i said to her i know her very well i said you're such an intelligent person didn't you see all this she said i saw everything i said so what happened she said but there were so many good qualities i said you know you can't be picky but i said but these are serious red flags yeah but in the context of all the virtues you know he was a learner and he was room and it was this i ignored it what i'm saying to you is don't ignore small red flags hook them over with people get feedback maybe we need some more research maybe you need some more time together maybe you have to ask them more questions maybe you have to see them in different settings take it easy but be confident that these small red flags will not one day develop into larger obstacles okay let's go to a live question you're on him thank you okay my question is if a name comes up that doesn't talk to me how do i know whether it's appropriate to say yes or no to just go out just to make sure i don't want to waste everyone's time but i don't want the feedback of oh you're being too picky you're not giving him a chance right right so it's it's it's a very important question and i think i don't know that there's one answer for every situation but i think a general logical approach would be that if you really feel there's no potential here based on some objective data and research then you're right you shouldn't be wasting people's times but very often let's face it we hear a name and we decide that this person is not for me but based on what sometimes it's based on a hunch that may be an instinct that is very very deep you know like you may have read you know the book blink how some of the most important decisions in history are made that instinctive moment not based on long rational analysis but just that epiphany the aha moment so maybe that's happening but very often you know sometimes a family name just triggers us or maybe something external is causing me this feeling that i don't want to go out but it's not really based on anything so i think it's important to ask myself ask ourselves why why am i against it you know what do i already know about this person i didn't meet him people are saying wonderful things maybe it is gonna work so if however you really feel that there's a real substantial reason that you're gonna be wasting his time and your time then i don't think it's called being picky then i think it's being rational and actually considerate of him and of yourself so i wouldn't call it picky so i think depends what the motive motivation is you know if i'm always saying no just because every little thing that i think is not good right away makes me say no then you're right it may be uh it's a little disrespectful like you know what do you want but if there's a real reason for whatever whatever that real reason may be then i don't see it as being pitchy but i think we have to remain open we have to remain up with so many people you know they heard a name or somebody said they saw them and they give descriptions you know i sometimes see a guy finishes a date it didn't work out she rejected him or whatever happened and then he tells his friend he'll never be good for you how could you say such a thing the guy doesn't even want to go out or somebody tells the girl he'll never be good for you why not good for you maybe good for somebody else it's important to have a certain openness and realize that souls are very different from each other okay this is another question here i said there's a big oil i'm trying to get in i would tell everybody who's trying to get in they can't hear me probably but not to give up because there's always space for two three more um i'm 20 years old but i'm very hesitant archer told me yesterday that these things were going to have 500 people i see we have a thousand people the five more people can't get in anymore the other 500 out of the bottom okay 20 year old but i'm very hesitant to start dating so maybe we should go let them in i feel not ready how can a person differentiate between cold feet nervousness and not ready and what exactly does it take to be ready nice question how do we differentiate between cold feet i'm just nervous and i'm really not ready okay well nervousness is a form of unreadiness just realize that i think what is important to understand is i always have to with help of people sometimes ask myself what makes me not ready sometimes i have psychological stuff that i have to work through i don't like myself i'm not comfortable in my own skin i'm not ready for a relationship with somebody else because remember sometimes people think i'm gonna get married you know prince charming and all my problems are going to be solved so here's the news good news and the bad news whatever i dealt with before i'm going to be dealing with after it's not like marriage obliterates every single challenge every single problem you cannot expect from your husband or from your wife to solve all of your own issues with yourself i have to be comfortable with me there has to be a certain level of self-love and self-acceptance like rabbi twersky rabbi doctor of romney yeshua hesselwski as a colonel of raqqa used to say it says in this week's parish you should love your friend like yourself he says what does it say in toner that you should love yourself doesn't say anywhere there's no mitzvah he says obviously the toyota is saying that that's a foundation you want to love the other person it's like you love yourself but the toyota takes it as a foundational truth that you love yourself not in a narcissistic way in a very deep way as a soul as a helically coming as the manifestation of hashem in this world so it's very important to reach a certain level of self-acceptance of comfort with yourself you know somebody was telling me about their dates they said i i was dating and trying to feel liked i wanted to feel like by the date and that's what was my dating and then i realized i'm not dating to feel like i'm dating to figure out if i like him if i love him not if i'm likable you got to be likable before you date because when i'm comfortable with myself people are attracted to me when i am comfortable in my own skin people want to have a relationship with me when i'm insecure and i'm self-conscious and i need you to validate me then they can't really have a relationship with me because i'm looking for you to validate me so my whole me is based on you like the katsuki ever said it is and maybe three books of psychology about it you could write three books about it if i am i because you are you and you are you because i am i then i am not i and you are not you but if i am i because i am i and you are you because you are you then i am i and you are you and now i would add and now we can begin to schmooze now we can begin to date now we can get married so this is so important to be able to have an eye that can relate to a you so it's important for you to look in the mirror you may need help from people you may need help from a professional if you have a good relationship with your mother father you may need help from them or somebody else in your life to be able to determine what is it that makes me feel that i'm not ready maybe there's a real obstacle maybe there's a trauma you have to deal with maybe boys or young men trigger you whatever it is you have to respect it and that's part of your mission if it's just regular nervousness in the sense that i'm shy i'm scared it's a new stage in my life thank god barakasha i'm glad you're nervous that nervous is a healthy nervousness yes it's a new stage in life it's opening yourself up to new opportunities and it's very it's it's a fascinating journey but it's it's an intense journey can we take robert jackson we have a bunch of live we're going to try to knock this bunch alive now live because this is july so i want to say remember what live people we love live people the whole share is about being live live you got to be alive or what would they say a famous difference between men and women in marriage let's say a man when he dates somebody says ah this is the woman i want to marry she's skinny she's calm she's relaxed everything's perfect i wanted to stay just like that for the rest of her life the woman says he's a very nice guy i like him a lot mentioned i think i have something to work with i can make him into a haley okay live question nabarcha you to finish the end of it you're finished okay a lot of men marry women hoping that they will never change women marry men hoping that they will change the problem is the women are always changing and the men are never changing your dick okay a lot of questions you're on hi um okay my question is that if i'm not holding at the best face of skeptically should i put on hold i don't want to marry lower so why should my husband great question i'm not i'm you say hashgraphically you're feeling that you're experiencing a downer okay but let me compliment you the fact that you're calling it a downer means that you actually know what your real standards are what your real values are so that means that you're in a pretty honest place because all of us go through changes in life you know most people they have ups and they have downs the question is you know what are your real innate values what are you ready to fight for it seems to me i don't know you so forgive me if i'm correct when you say you're having ashke challenges i'm not sure it means that you really decided that you don't want this lifestyle but rather you're going through maybe a journey you have to figure some stuff out so i would say that it depends how profound these challenges are if these challenges are really shaking up your very foundations which it doesn't sound like that it but if it's really happening then it's important for you to figure that out before you start dating because you want to be able to date somebody who's going to share some basic goals and values if it's more of a temporary situation you know you're having some difficult days maybe something happened so i would you don't necessarily have to take it so seriously so it really depends what type of downer you're experiencing is it part of the downer that is essential to life we live on a roller coaster there's darkness and there's light or it's a downer that's really more fundamental and you're doubting you know some fundamental things about your future in terms of okay i just want to jump on this question before i go to another live it's a very good question it's unique to a lot of people especially live out of town i live out of town and i've been traveling for the first few for the first for the first dates for a couple of years now i'm emotionally exhausted and my boss is starting to get irritated by my constant absences i feel like i ask if i ask a boy to fly to me i will be really limiting myself can i expect a guy to fly in for me and if so how do i ask the other side to do that for all those out-of-towners it's a great question it's a great question for out-of-towners and i think perhaps it's an old expressioning either the best the ligand is the ms sometimes the best way to talk about something is the honest raw truth can you communicate to the other side that your boss your poor boss is going crazy you have been traveling a lot and you would really love it's not like you're trying to be you know tough and and and and picky and stubborn and you need them to compromise but you just you're in a situation where this is where your job is you know maybe it'll change in the future and therefore you're just asking them a favor and i think you know if i would hear such a request it's very rational you know you you traveled a lot of times it didn't work out it's a dementia thing to do i think people would respect that i don't see them i don't see that people would see it as selfish at all you know you just you're trying to to balance different things maybe at some point you could move but maybe that's not possible i don't know the details maybe this is healthier for you and much better for you in terms of your serenity and your schedule and your lifestyle but i think people would be would be very understanding maybe not always once in a while you could still you could still fly in so i would communicate this openly i don't think you have to be ashamed okay i want to cover this topic an interesting topic also people that have a little bit of a hard time when they get started my first experience with shidduchim was very hard and it left a very negative feeling towards the whole parsha i have heard bad things about the person from outside sources but my parents and the shopkins were dismissing it and even after i went out i didn't like it they kept on pressuring me to continue continue eventually i said no but it built up a lot of negative feelings for me as much as i try to push away this experience i can't get rid of it i've gone out afterwards a few times but i have a natural disgust towards dating which holds me back from trying to enjoy it how am i supposed to get out of how am i supposed to go out with a healthy fresh outlook after having a bad taste in my mouth great question it's so important to understand quote expression of the rambam about something else this this is part of the nature of the world meaning in order to find our shadow we often go through other connections other relationships that prepare us for that moment every nothing is by mistake there's a void from the oblivion by dichev the fascinating story very interesting story the holy verdict was a matchmaker the matchmaker would come and offer him shidduchim for his grandchildren especially one of his sons died so he married off the children the mayor remained children but this champion would come if would roll up his put away his talismans phil and after davening and he would come up with names and every name that he gave he was suggested that levitzka gave him uh a silver coin every name whether it worked out it didn't work out why in the league he saw that nothing is working on him he's just taking money from the vadichev who wasn't a rich man he felt like he's a thief so he stopped coming with names one day the madichus says why don't you tell me names anymore he said i'm wasting your time i'm giving you names i'm taking money for no reason nothing happens to most of these shidduchi you know what he said to him he said the gemara says that 40 days before a child is created there's a there's a heavenly voice boss planning laplani this girl for this man and the malachim you know they're like the whatsapp the whatsapp industry in heaven are the angels he says now sometimes the angel that we create you are mistress are a little blemish so the angels are sometimes a little blemmer so sometimes they have hearing problems so they hear one name was announced but they hear another name a similar name so they announced a similar name and because it comes from allah so in order to get to the shidduch you have to go through that name in order to get to the real name because it was announced in heaven even if the angels made a little mistake it was announced in heaven this name so he says every time you suggest the name for one of my grandchildren we overcome another hurdle to get to the right so therefore i'm giving you a coin so every person you meet it's not a mistake it's part of the journey that you and i need in our life in order to be able to mature to develop to become the people that we're capable of becoming the fact that you met this person and it didn't work out it's something to learn from it there's something to learn about people about life about yourself maybe there's something to learn from how you're being triggered from your reactions maybe how you judge people maybe how you respond to people maybe to learn how other people responded to him this is an opportunity for you to grow instead of focusing and obsessing on how bad he is that's not our job our job is not to judge people every person has their own journey our job is to learn what's the lesson for me in this so i say to you dating is a process it's a journey this was part of your journey see what you could learn from it how you could become a better person from this experience every encounter in the world can make you a better person the balsamic said there's nothing that a person sees or hears that does not help us in our away and other people are mirrors they show us what we have to work on so i say take the lessons challenge yourself and now go on another date with a new perspective as a better mature deeper more authentic human being i just want to tell you right what an interesting story happened to me last week before the next live question i was eating out with my wife and somebody came over to me uh a couple they said they watched the first year on the dating and their son just started dating during that time they said that come on every question about how to be mekazek to someone what to ask what that did they followed the share step by step he said the moment of tremendous course that i should tell you so i'm just letting you know thank you oh and the guy got engaged also oh mazel tov yes that's one of the first okay let's go to the next live question okay thank you for your time um you mentioned red flags and the thing is google might have like red flags but then when i listen to torah and it's like the woman's role is to to be connected and when it comes to addiction um is that something that the woman i guess there's this part so one is that something that the woman it's like my job to help and when i'm dating if i see something like that okay that's fine i'm i'm healthy whatever i like i can help the man overcome that and then the second part is if that's something that's you know like i have doubts about but then at the same time man should not be alone a man needs to get married so so then am i like what do i do in that situation because what we have to do is get married okay so leora what i would say to you is as follows if you're dating a young man who's suffering from addiction that's a very very serious situation now some people are suffering from addiction and have the courage to go into recovery become unbelievably powerful and great people as the gomorrah says in barracudas says the place where bali troopers stand even the greatest saddiquim can't stand do not stand but this is not the responsibility of the of of the young woman or the wife i can support somebody i can love them i want to believe in them i want to create a space for them but ultimately the job to heal is on the person himself or herself who's suffering from the addiction but i think one has to be very very careful when entering into a relationship with somebody who's suffering from an addiction because if they're actively involved in the addiction i would be very very cautious very very careful if they're actively involved in recovery and they are really changed people and that takes a lot a lot of work then sometimes you're dealing with the most amazing people but certainly you cannot take it on yourself the responsibility for somebody else i cannot heal you you cannot heal me i could support the person i can love a person i can be here for them but ultimately you have to confront your demons and your traumas and your insecurities i mean you as in the person suffering from the addiction gravity let's let me have so many more topics i want to try to cover some more over here um i am 26 years old now and i do not want to get married yet i would like to continue my education and build a career before i start a family my parents are not happy about this decision what advice can you give me interesting question what advice can i give you the advice i can give you is i think obviously you're 26 so you're a big girl as they would say if i could use that expression and ultimate ultimately you have to make the decision nobody can make the decision for you nobody could control your life especially not at the age of 26. however what i would tell you as a brother to a sister we're all family we're all jews were all family is i think it's important for you to look into yourself what is really stopping you what is really holding you back because let's face it from a jewish perspective you know the there's a powerful gamora in mr secretary robiosi one of the greatest tanayam said i never called my wife my wife i always called my wife my home me and my like karissi leash to use the leash debasey yeah what's the big what's what's the big deal i never called my wife my wife i always called my wife my home okay very nice so what he was trying to say something very powerful what he was saying is from the moment i married her from the moment i met her i never just saw here another individual another person who i should respect whom i should cherish whom i should like whom i should love which is of course very important the simaka but rather i saw in my spouse my home without her i was homeless i don't have a home she doesn't only give me a space to live in she takes a house and she turns it into a home a spouse a wife creates a bias she creates an infrastructure in this world that a man on his own can't do even if he has the most neat and beautiful apartment it's the relationship with easter that's why it says by the kind god the the woman takes a house and turns it into a home she takes living quarters and turns it into a life she creates a foundation on infrastructure and there's no greater bias in the world tell me what is a greater home than a family unit of a husband and a wife and baezr hashem with god's blessings future generations for eternity i could create the biggest company the most powerful powerful corporation the greatest website the greatest organization amazing good make a lot of money make a lot of revenue but does it come close the bias that a jewish woman and a jewish man create through a marriage this is creating eternity creating souls it's bringing down god into the world so what i would tell you as a friend as a sibling as a brother is you have to make the decision but i would look deep into myself and ask myself what is really holding me back what is my ultimate priority in life what are my ultimate values in life and ask yourself when you're 95 years old and you're going to look back at the decision to delay marriage another five years another 10 years whatever it is are you going to be proud of that decision or not now sometimes we look at things short term so it's important to have that perspective a full bird's eye view on your life and really ask yourself what decision will you be more proud of when you hit that age of 97. i write to someone version of this i think i think it's very important to discuss a lot of what we're discussing now is logically make sense but i'm talking about people who are starting or in middle really the the process of being vulnerable sitting down with a different person opening up and then what they call rejection which we know is not really a rejection but that's how people feel and then they have to do it again and then they feel okay this one looks like it's gonna work out and they open up again and then doesn't this whole i i think we need some ideas more more the emotional sides of how to go through this process and to be able to say like you're saying every new thing you're nervous and to be able to say okay i'm going on i'll be able to go on the physic it sounds easy to say but when people are in it it gets sometimes really really hard unless emotionally it's hard emotionally it's hard and we need a good support system within ourselves you know you need resilience and fortitude and you have to have a good relationship with hashem and a good relationship with your soul with yourself good people that you can talk to because it's emotionally difficult and it's so important just to be able to embrace your situation with dignity and never ever to become a victim of your circumstances and just feel kasper shalom that you're a schlamazol or you're a lawyer or you're a loser or you're just a victim but really realize that every single one of us every single one of you every one of the young women who's listening to us tonight just remember who you are you are an ambassador of hashem in this world you are an ambassador of love light hope and healing when somebody sends you on a mission you represent the one who sent you so you represent hashem in this world you are an ambassador of hashem at your core you're powerful you're indestructible you're full of confidence promise possibility joy positivity and even many of us have emotional struggles all of us have emotional struggles and we have to deal with them we have to confront them but don't be afraid of any of your emotions or any of your struggles because your soul is infinite and your soul is bigger than them and your soul is larger than them and you could contain everything that's inside of you without the need to run away without the need to duck without the need to go into shame to detach to space out to become completely consumed by self-loathing and self-hate and self-shame these are all thoughts that we have but don't let those thoughts define your core your core is you're a spark of infinity and therefore you could contain all of the traumas and all of the difficult challenges that are inside of you and we have to confront them but confront them from a place of knowing that your internal self is as wholesome as it gets and nobody and nobody and nothing can destroy it can eliminate that can obliterate it or can even can even compromise it's it's beauty it's grander bro i want to get in the topic we've got a few emails about the similar questions but i'm going to ask this question but let's let's broaden it but how much do we share about our past khatoyam in our lives when we date this question came like this i'm a firm base yaakov girl i've had past relationships with past relationships with guys which is extremely not accepted in our circles am i supposed to mention it when i'm dating somebody very and it's getting serious or leave it out it's a great question and the real answer to that is i think the answer that i have heard from quite a few therapists and rabbis whom i respect dearly is if it's mamish something of your past and it doesn't have implications on your present there's no obligation to mention it if it's something that is interfering or impacting your present situation then it's important for the person you're entering into a relationship with to understand what's going on but this is something you have to be very honest about you don't want to be deceptive about this because you're not just hurting the other person you're going to be hurting yourself because they're not going to be able to trust you so you really have to ask yourself an important question you had other relationships in the past are you still into those relationships do you still have a crush is there still something going on does it really define you is it still impacting you and influencing you or is just something of the past if it's really something completely of the past and you're over it there's no mitzvah to mention it maybe one day there's going to be a level of trust between you and you'll feel comfortable with talking about everything of your past you'll have to make that decision when we reach that point but there's no obligation on the other hand if there's a real impact on an influence right now then it's important to bring it up it's important to deal with it because it's part of your life now okay um what yeah although we have a few lives i want to see if they're ready which one's ready okay okay before the lives this is a message director robert jacobson my name is sarah i'm a young girl entering shidduchim soon i have a medical condition which i understand because of it i will have i will have to compromise with different things i would ideally want and i should have my question is how much to compromise do i compromise on physical features only height weight or basically what do i compromise what do i give up what what what are important when not important where do i go with that wow so first of all sarah thank you for being here with us and thank you for sharing and i'm sorry it must be so difficult and hashem should give you all the kayak and all the strength that you need now and in the future to be able to have you know an amazing recovery in the best and smoothest and easy easiest way in terms of your question what i would say is it's a very personal question and i think it's really about yourself in other words you could compromise about many things in life but you can't compromise things that will make you feel that your life is really not a good life so it's important to compromise about things we all have to compromise by the way no situational person is perfect but you don't want to compromise on things that are really dear to you and really matter to you you know i can compromise on dreams that may have been grand and amazing and stupendous and maybe some of those dreams can't be realized okay but i can't compromise on things that matter to me in terms of my values what's going to make my home a home that i can be proud of what's going to be my fam make my family a family that i feel comfortable with what type of lifestyle we're going to live so those things you have to really ask yourself if those things are really important to you as a person you want to protect them you know you cannot sacrifice yourself for the marriage where you don't exist anymore so i think it's important to make a distinction between things that i would like and appreciate and they're part of my dreams and maybe i want to compromise on them because of different situations but you don't want to compromise on those things that are really intrinsic to you and really matter very deeply to you and it's important to be able to communicate that and you have to have a certain clarity about it and you probably i assume have a clarity about that in terms of what are those values that really mean a lot to you and and for you you know not having them will really make life so much more difficult so much less endearing and sweet okay rabbi let's let's cover this question um while dating i also think what if a person is not really who he seems to be what what what if he seems to be a nice guy but he really isn't i guess it's because i know some people like that who appear one way but are really but aren't who they really seem to be you get once you get to know them better as a result of this i date very cautiously i know most people are inherently good but how can i ensure i don't end up with one of those who aren't [Music] good thinking good thinking young woman yes yes you know sometimes people end up in a marriage i'm i'm so sorry to say this and then the marriage doesn't work out and the obnoxiousness and the rude behavior is sometimes mind staggering you know i always beg couples i know it's not our topic tonight but i always say even if you guys are going to drift away mensch look kind of just mention it humanness don't use knives and spears and daggers and bring in kids and use them as missiles it simply staggers my mind that because of the anger of the husband towards the wife or the wife towards the husband they'll kill each other and they'll destroy their children to take revenge so it's so important to be able to be married to a mansion i say to you these are the real things you want to look at you want to look at a person's medici they're here and their menstrual chain and if you need more time to check it out find out and also it's important to do research how do you do research you don't call his best friends who don't know you you have to call people who are closer to your family than to his family maybe and really try to find out a lot about this person you know his relationship with his teachers his relationships with his friends with his peers with his colleagues with his careers with the salvation you know his parents maybe sometimes i i have her neighbor in muncie she told me and my wife she said i don't let i don't let my s my daughter date anybody until the sun does not come to mind to my house and he has a meal here and i have to meet him and after bring with his father and his mother and then i allow them to date so i don't know if that's practical for every situation but i like this mother she had the confidence you know i got to make sure that this guy is is a mention of person you know he's he's he knows how to relate to people and you know women have been saying they have a sense of smell especially an experienced jewish mother and grandmother she happens to be quite healthy and confident with herself but these are important things do what you have to do to be able to make sure that he is kind he is flexible he's a person you can talk to he's a person who's ready to compromise he's a person who's mentioned these are important important things first of all to have a great marriage you want a kind person you need a person who could who can who could compromise who even if there are disagreements and even if there are fights and even there are disputes this is a good person to fight with this is a good you know this is this is the person you want to debate with all right welding okay let's go to the live question you're on hi i'm 18 years old and i'm about to and right now i'm very back then a lot of stuff happened and here i am i'm 18 and everybody somehow they decide that they're going right back to where i was at fifteen i turned sixteen i became a bolshovah they keep bringing up my past and i'm considered so in that world being about you is like how do you deal with that as an and then i have another question on if you went through a mental illness do you have to actually say it because most people say don't say it at all hide all the information everything and i'm like that's i don't know miriam you're a special girl it's a privilege and a pleasure to have you with us on the program and thank you for sharing so honestly and candidly what i want to say to you is and it really relates to everybody but especially relates to you and i think you're a shining example of this you became abolished at 16 years old this was not a mistake hashem planted you in a specific family he planted every one of us in the families that we are in so that you should go on your journey and you came to discover yiddish guide on your own like avramovino you're like avramovino probably didn't have a jewish education with taylor he grew up by terra and his mother amasai and the gemura describes it wasn't you know teres was terra and he discovered hashem from within himself and that's what you did so you are an extraordinary person extraordinary soul and you deserve and you're gonna get an extraordinary man and people who come to you and mention the fact that you're a baltruva you have to see it as a badge of honor and you tell them yeah i'm about true which means i have a real relationship with god i'm not an ffb i'm not sublunged from birth that was a joke maybe not i am i have a real relationship with god and i need a boy who's going to appreciate that and i am sure i know that there are quite many young men who appreciate precisely that in fact i was not long ago at a at an engagement party of a girl who came from a very very kasadisha family but i have to tell this to you she is unbelievably genuine and after dating people who grew up through them for a while she said i think i need a baltrusa i need somebody that their journey towards yiddish god is just very deep and authentic now show them to say that people who grew up from don't have a deep relationship but there's something about a vulture they had to fight for their yiddish guide and she just got engaged to a balthrova family because she needed that type of boy and i think it's a bunch of money you have to tell people don't be embarrassed miriah this is this was the hydrogen of the rebina shell island say yeah i am this type of girl i need somebody who's going to appreciate me what i could bring to the table and what they can bring to the table in terms of mental illness a very important question so i'll tell you what i heard from aravha gandhi of david cohen schlitter from its one of the great poiskon in america in flatbush and we were together at a shabbaton and somebody brought up these types of questions you know when do you reveal these things to completely hide it i don't think it makes sense how can you hide such important things from the other person it's this would you want that to be done to your daughter to your son and imagine my son or my daughter is dating somebody and they hide all the information i don't understand that i i cannot see how in good conscience anybody can tolerate that so i am very proud of your sensitivity to that but what he said was that sometimes certain things if you bring it up in the beginning there's no chance for a date so he said after three or four dates when there is already some connection and some chemistry you bring it up so now there's at least hope that he or she might say you know what i really like this person and i want to do more research i'm going to speak to the doctor speak to the psychiatrist i'll speak to the psychologist find out the details and then he'll make a decision or she'll make a decision i want to continue i don't want to continue that's usually the advice given by some of the great authorities boy somebody just texted i just send it to miriam a person that deals with people that are kasir shah about shooters and she does great let's give some information see that by the way by the way shidduchim came out from these programs that just coming onto the zoom people always say they're looking for the ghoulis one of those ghoulists we should put in up yeah near the mikvehs and near the trollins and this is coming on to the coach monastery yes we've had a lot of interesting stories a lot of crazy actually if you come live then there's a lot of networking and this okay there's a lot of people texting us want to cover this topic it's a physical topic a lot of people saying for months and months they're not getting rid of any sugar no dates whether they're younger whether they're older singles and uh how do we how do they get the physic to not get into the depression just months and months where the phone does not ring the cash shamans i just want to say that i'm sorry and we i empathize it's very difficult it's emotionally draining sometimes you feel like you don't want to wake up in the morning or you don't have what to wake up in the morning for and you see other people in your classes already married and having babies it's very very difficult and it's important to acknowledge the emotion to feel it there's an element of sadness an element of grief here that's necessary and not to judge yourself because you're a human being and it's tough and it's tough and you could you could you could shed a few tears it's fine you know respect the emotions respect the process number one number two what i would suggest to you and i say this not as a preacher you know whoever knows me by now knows i'm not a preacher i'm not a pontificator i speak i hope you know what the word pontificator means look it up it's a good word i speak as a brother to brothers and in this case as a brother to sisters with connection with uh with affection and with ava sisron and that is it's important not to allow these feelings to paralyze you you have an amazing life you are a gift to humanity you're a gift to the world throw yourself into something that will stimulate your growth become passionate about something build something grow towards something create a project create a plan do something maybe you wanted to do whether it's in the field of giving whether it's in the field of education whether it's in the field of learning whether it's in the field of spiritual growth whether it's in the field of creativity you know we live today in a world with so much opportunity to be able to be makada shame shamayim to be able to spread yiddish kite to be able to gifted people tremendously here look at this corona happened everybody was scratching the world closed down came two younger lights from lakewood okay now i want to tell you something they come from a community that i love i have their thousands of friends but like other communities people didn't talk so much about these stuff right it was under the rock came to younger light they started a zoom and suddenly i started to get feedback this honest conversation they're talking about issues they're talking about issues and look 55 programs yeah with hundreds of thousands of years helped in so many ways and not a lot of money it's not like they they had to raise a two million dollars you know they're raising soon for a solid 20 million they didn't have to raise 20 million dollars the budget didn't even have to raise uh 50 000. you want if you have two million dollars to spear find it go send with pleasure great but my point is be creative i say don't look at yourself nobody's reading shidduchim for me my life is a waste of time i understand it's painful and have empathy for yourself and it's difficult we want to get married it's a dream it's a goal it's a tremendous bracha to build a bias them and be strong but also remember who told us to get married we don't get married because we came up with some nice idea that men and women should dorm together in fact rationally it makes more sense that the bakram should stay in the bakram dormitory and the girls should stay in the girl dormitory the reason we get married is because the creator of the world the reborn of shalom and his inimitable sense of humor decided that a man and a woman should get married together and figure it out together the same reborn shall illum who said we should get married is also guiding each and every single one of us in our path until that right time comes trust him build a real relationship with him and realize that your life today has infinite value cherish it wake up in the morning and say god we're gonna make this together a great day fasten your seat belt we're going to have an incredible journey suck the marrow out of life and live your life to the fullest because yiddish guy doesn't believe in destinations yiddish guide says that every journey is your destination if to get from point a to point c you have to go through point b point b is part of your destination the rocket over gone writes that the reason that empires mase every single journey the jews took through the desert 42 encampments by yisu they left here and they came here they left here they came in they left here they came come on just tell me i have to say every airport i stopped in and every every gate and every restaurant and every restroom and every come on you say you went from here to montreal well not now you admit you have to tell me every gas station you stopped in yeah my show was saying every stop on the way to get to your destination is also a destination it's part of your purpose so yes i know it's difficult and we all empathize and it's important to empathize and it's hard and then from that look and tell god and say he needy i'm here today and i want to make the day an amazing life and throw yourself into something don't be afraid don't get paralyzed for someone okay rabbit let's go we have so many more live questions you're on and and very important one more sentence social conformity is sometimes a killer you have to embrace your own life you can't always look at somebody else and think what are they thinking about me not being married if i show up at the mitzvah tons of the shovel practice of this and my boob is going to come over and it's going to say what's with us i had a grandmother that's a daycast mama bakers of a woman my mother's mother the adrenaline rod every time i went to her house i would go friday other times she would say yes i got married a little little late i was i turned 27. so it was a little late my class was married already most not everybody most of my class every time i would say baba is i have to marry a woman yeah she'd say no this hobby i made you have to people will make she meant very well and loving my point is people make comments you have to become comfortable with yourself i can't just live for other people and live in their minds and constantly try to be itself for them it's not going to work okay you're on hi my question is is that how do you know if you're doing too much or too little and is there ever a point where maybe you are doing too much and maybe you should you know step down on that did you give an example i don't know maybe you felt like you've done everything you've contacted every shot when you know you've i know done as much as you could you know you've been dating for a long time you know great question how do you know when you're doing you're doing too much toddlers too little and so forth and and and one one of uh one of the girls wrote i see in the question does it stateless include that i have to change the look of my body and i have to go to exercise every day is that hishtadlus is that also including etcetera these are wonderful questions and i think i think it's important to mention two points and that is established means that we do what is usually done alpiteva we make a daily what's called a hailey we create a vessel for hashem's plan under natural circumstances gestalt doesn't mean i should be anxious i should be stressed out that's not part of their status hashem says let me do it i just need you to make a vessel what type of vessel a vessel that's normal according to the natural circumstances that means i search according to the dera sateva i seek out the type of help that is normal to seek out in this situation but i should not think that i have to go and manipulate and figure out every single system and and gold search for every website of every school of every makuba and of every bubba in every town of israel that's i think you know we we drive ourselves crazy and i don't see that as as as vital to the status means what i'll picture what toyota considers is according to the tradition of the jewish people in terms of doing things in terms of you know self self growth in terms of beauty or physicality emotional it's important to focus on things that are valuable to yourself things that are of value to yourself in other words you want to invest in things that will promote your own life and make you feel better make you give you more energy give you more stamina because unto hate that that's that's perfectly fine to do but i think it's important that it shouldn't be coming from a place of insecurity and self-loathing because when i go out on a date and i'm so uncomfortable with myself and i'm waiting for the guy to make me feel good about me i may i may i may i may have to wait 90 years so you really have to come from a place where where you can validate yourself and people who are close to you can give you that validation again i'm not going on a date to feel like i'm going on a date to see if i like him well you're on um thank you for your time my question is that i'm considered a pretty intellectual girl people say that i'm intelligent they see my intelligence and and then they i've heard from a few people that they tell me to be careful not to intimidate the boys that i should hide my intellectual side and at least in the beginning and they say that boys are now looking for smart girls they just look for girls that will bake potato cocoa and just you know do the laundry and wash the dishes they don't they're not looking for intelligence and it bothers me because i am myself and also the fact that i keep on hearing this make me feel like should i stop growing you know should i stop learning should i stop um i feel like it's it's a sorrow and all of a sudden it became a historian at this point in my life until now all the teachers encourage us to learn they encourage us to grow and encourage us to do well on tests and all of a sudden towards the end of the seminary they tell us actually you know what actually leave it coming down dumb it down yeah dumb it down throw it in the garbage and go bake potato cocoa and go be a female and it bothers me because i just don't see i see the contradiction and i don't know how to go about it and what perspective to take on dating it's an intelligent question i wanted to say you're quite an intelligent young woman but i do want to ask i do want to tell you i have an unbelievable recipe for potato kugel do you need a recipe for potato kugel that was just a joke uh it's a great great question wow a wonderful question you are quite intelligent i don't think you need my ascama but isn't that telling isn't that telling a little sad right all your years in school they're telling you it's amazing you're learning and learning and now finally you're finishing seminar you got to dumb it down because the boys want laundry and potato cookies so wow it's a little hard for me you caught me off guard with that but what i would say is i'm sure i'm sure that there are boys who appreciate very much to have an intelligent spouse um i know i know myself and i know i know quite a few men who are intelligent and they appreciate very very much the intelligence of their spouses i would say what my sister told me when i was dating she said yes if yitzhak my name is yes you're not looking for a havrusa you're looking for a wife that's good you don't have to sit down every morning to learn from a sector of a bathroom with your spouse maybe i don't know you're looking for a spouse that's important a spouse is not a havrusa meaning as well not somebody it's good to learn with your spouse it's a wonderful thing to have harossa with your spouse but the point of the spouse is much more than just a learning partner it's somebody with whom you build life it's somebody with whom you build a home somebody with deep loyalty and trust but i think an intelligent young man would cherish the opportunity to have an intelligent young woman to be able to schmooze converse bond connect so it's actually a little startling to me to say that none of the none of the intelligent boys want intelligent girls all they want is this is lakshankugal and potato google and laundry maybe there's a certain amount of people like that but i i am sure that there are very fine young men who will cherish cherish your intelligence and not be intimidated at all they will appreciate it so i don't think you should dumb it down and i don't think you should stop growing and if a guy is really intimidated by your intelligence then maybe he's not intelligent enough for you number one and number two maybe what they're referring to is something else and this i'm not saying i'm just asking and that is maybe they want to see your emotions and not just your cerebral part sometimes people are very cerebral and i want to feel their heart right with men as well some people are very intellectual but where is your heart so the question is are people maybe feeling that they want to feel more of your heart not just your your cerebral gifts that may be something and that's a worthwhile goal for each of us to really integrate our minds and our hearts there's a question over here from a girl that went out a while ago and it didn't work out and now she's thinking about it she would want to revisit if it's a good idea wow that's a very interesting question so basically it didn't work out you're still having feelings towards him and you want to revisit it and the truth is if you really feel that he may be a good guy for you it may take some guts it may take some courage but if the opportunity is there i don't see why not you know if he may be interested or you have a way of making him interested and you really feel this is good for you i think that's fine i don't see why not i know a situation happened not long ago here in my neighborhood where there was a fellow and he met this young woman and it did not work out or so they thought but he decided that he really really wants her and he really pursued her he wrote her a long letter a letter not an email not a text message not a not a what's up a letter you know the old style letters alayama shallams with an envelope with a stamp i don't know if any of this young generation ever saw an envelope with a stamp you write a letter but we in camp would get letters from our parents you remember how many times you would read the letter now we would read the letter like 93 times every night a few times and put it back in the envelope and you know what she liked the letter and she said yeah and you know today they got engaged so so sometimes you got to uh fight for what you think is amazing for you you know do it with sale and make sure it's not coming from desperation it's really you feel that this is the right person because if you're the one who stopped it last time so just realize that you know you may you just want to make sure you're not infatuated and it's really coming from a healthy and wholesome and place you don't want to continue dating ever out of weakness you want to always date and get engaged and get married from a place of strength and empowerment in other words whenever i make a decision from a place of weakness i'm very vulnerable i'm very weak i need validation i just need somebody to be near me you have to be very careful because you're not shining fully you want that your choice for relationship long-term religion becoming from your inner core from your place of confidence because if it's coming from a place of weakness tomorrow i may wake up and say oh my god my god what did i do so just make sure that it's coming from a real place of inner clarity and strength okay let's try to hop around like one or two more questions um let's globalize this question somebody sent in but i think it's an important question i'm 23 year old i'm 23 years old and my parents are divorced one of my parents is controlling and doesn't want the other parent to be involved in any part of my dating what should i do so let's globalize that forget you know just in general when you have two parents that one is more like telling you do something and don't listen to the other one and you're already a big girl you're dating how to deal with how to navigate something like that excellent question but you you i think you gave the answer you said you're 23 years old when you're 23 years old you're an adult to put it simply and i think in very respectful ways if you cherish the advice and the input of that other parent i think in very respectful and kind ways you can share with this parent and say you know i understand that there are issues between you your marriage didn't work out but for me this is my mother this is my father and i would really like their input i would really cherish their input so please you know respect those boundaries and uh i think it's important again to state it respectfully that's number one number two the question is again i don't know the dynamics what does the other parent have to know about the input you're getting from this parent maybe it's not a mitzvah to go back and say oh your ex or mommy or tati said so and so maybe that could be more private in other words try to see if you could figure out a way where it doesn't interfere in the dynamics of the divorce but generally speaking that cannot be done i think it's any way important for you to make that decision based on what you need you know and hilkus and shulkinaro does the laws of respecting our father and mother and it says over there if a father tells somebody i don't want you to marry this person i don't have to listen it may be good advice to listen especially if my father loves me and is an intelligent guy and he knows what's good for me but her logically respecting parents doesn't mean that i have to marry the person they want me to marry it means i have to respect them in what they need but not in them telling me what i should do with my marriage so it's very important to understand those boundaries we have to respect our parents but you are the one who have to decide who has to decide who to marry and you're the one who's entitled to ask advice from the people that you want to ask imagine if your parent tells you i don't like this person who you consult with but maybe this person you love and they're helping you now here is just an important qualification and that is if your parent is telling you something rational that may be true in other words if maybe you're involved with you're getting advice from somebody who may be steering you in the wrong direction so that you should consider that but let's make sure it's that and still you have to feel it out and make sure it's true it's not just coming from the vendetta that he has against your mother she has against your father so if they're saying something rational where really this person is steering you in the wrong direction okay that's something to consider maybe you need to speak to a third party who's more objective and figure out what's the right thing for you but don't be intimidated by these things you have to really embrace where you are and get the right support that will help you in your journey based on what's good for you okay it's not your parents marriage let's let's just add up with the last question somebody just text i think it's a great question we'll end with that then we'll go to the closing grab oh what if you as a girl has a different view on what she wants to marry than her parents if you as a girl have different views than what if the person who's asking what if a girl has a different view on who she wants to marry than what her parents wanted to marry great question and i think the straightforward answer to this is if possible can you have an open conversation and real communication with your parents if your parents care for you and are open towards you can you have a real conversation and discuss it and i say to the parents discuss it with her do you feel that your daughter is completely lost and forlorn and making foolish decisions that will ultimately affect her life negatively or maybe you can't just accept where your daughter is that's a question to parents sometimes i turn my daughter into somebody she's not i wanted my daughter to be somebody else but she's not you have to accept who your daughter is now i say to the girl are your parents telling you things that are really important for you to hear even if you don't like them because they're challenging you to really look into this and not make a detrimental decision for you then you have to listen to them you want to listen to them or maybe your parents really are clueless and don't get it so these are important questions don't just dismiss or accept everything your parents say maybe what they're saying is unbelievably valid and it's just challenging you so you don't want to hear it because maybe you're infatuated or you have a crush or you're desperate or you don't like yourself or you're surrendering your standards so listen to them or maybe not maybe they're really not on the same page and they're not ready to listen and then you have to trust yourself more so i'm just telling all both sides to really challenge yourself and make sure that you're clinging to your ideals here is again coming from a place of authenticity from a place of inner empowerment and clarity and not from a place of escaping your own fears and insecurities which may come back to haunt you sometimes you may need another person to help mediate somebody else to consult because parents are sometimes very emotionally involved recently i dealt with a situation where there was an interesting situation there was a girl and her parents wanted her to marry a man who's going to learn his whole life at least for 10 20 years he's going to be in cuddle it's a wealthy family they would support him they would support her that's what they wanted okay and she was dating these boys and it wasn't working it wasn't working a guy came to me and he tells me the story and he says i know this family i want to date her but i'm in business he was already in business before his dating but the father will not agree for her to date me because the father says she wants a boy who's going to learn but he tells me that she told him once at a shabbos meal or something that she doesn't want that you know and he asked me what to do and i suggested it's so important for her to have an open conversation with her parents and really articulate what are her ideals in life what does she want what is important for her it's so important to have that type of communication and then the parents and the daughter of their normal healthy people you know that could be a give and take and ultimately they can reach a space of respect if this is who my daughter is you can't reshape your daughter now in the image of what you want it's so important to understand that different people have different needs and different desires and we really have to have to respect it the story is they're engaged today and they're very happily married as well we could take one more question yeah we're close okay you're on hi um i just wanted to say thank you to robert y yy jacobson for taking the time especially when this is the third session um talking about dating whether it's for the boys or for the girls i happen to be an older single girl i've been on the dating scene for many many years and sometimes these chat random read to him and they i asked them for information on the boy and they say what does it make a difference just go out with the guy and you'll see for yourself but i've been on the scene for many many years and i say to myself i need to know some info am i wrong for asking that okay thank you peril and i think that you're not wrong i think it's a fair question you know before i go out with somebody it takes time it takes energy it takes mental space it takes preparation it takes emotional preparation you want to know some basic stuff so i think i don't see it as a wrong question i mean i can understand the shotgun telling me or telling you that it's impossible to know everything and maybe they can't give you you know a full detailed report but some basic components about the person's life i think it's fear to to communicate to somebody i mean that's how i see it okay i just like sometimes they tell you that you're an older single girl just go out with the person you'll figure it out you're an older single girl okay but you you deserve the dignity right of just knowing something i wish you would talk to somebody i wish you would talk to somebody maybe they would understand because a lot of them don't well i'm sorry to hear it's hard to judge without here you know i don't like to judge ever without hearing the other side uh but uh what i would just what i would just add here just a general general comment and that is we have close to a thousand people on and you know we have among the jewish people the brightest the most intelligent them de la creme the best the kindest and the sweetest and i think we live in a time of grassroots initiatives there was a time when people waited for all the initiatives to come from the top today we live in a time where it's a grassroots generation a ball it's called isarussa de la sata his error was from below earth and i think with all of our minds a lot of you are extremely creative people i think we could come up with a lot of new great ideas of how to enhance make the shidduch process better help older singles meet people from both genders and generally you know just help many people who are who are struggling who are longing or are waiting just create a process that may be more effective easier smoother more respectful more dignified and don't wait till you know you get the endorsement of every great person in claudius earl but rather if it's something good and you have a good mentor to guide you go for it and and create projects of course always consist you have to have you know a raw of a mentor that guides you that it should be according to aloha and based on your shamayim and erupts and hashem but i think it's important for people to think we started the first question was about out of the box it's important for people to think out of the box initiate projects initiate ideas i'm sure some people will come up with great things that can help a lot of people and even if it can help five people helping one soul is already helping the world but thank you very much peril for your question and i'm sorry for all the pain i'm i'm sorry i mean i think that every person deserves dignity no matter the age and no matter the condition no matter how many times they dated they dated 90 times um we're going to go to closing now it was murder cashier uh again i want to give a special thanks rabbi i want everybody to know all the people that are here tonight these these dating series three times where this is robert white initiative he felt it was a tremendous uh need to bring up the topic discuss all the things we discussed tonight and there's so much more we really i have papers over here i need to buy i need to make another order from staples i'm out of paper but um it was tremendous uh series i think we have to get into it and again for all those i have just about three pages of divorce remarried questions we said on may 23rd that sunday we're going to be discussing you know life after divorce that whole parsha divorce parsha children and the remarriage part which is uh really needs probably more than one session but we'll start may 23rd and it's going to be an amazing session anybody that's here tonight that you know that sent me those questions we did not ignore them they're going to be part of them and please tell everybody about it and um i want to tell the last person that was just on that there are a lot of shotguns here tonight and this year will be heard by thousands and thousands of people so um i'm happy you said that and let them get that message that everybody deserves to to get information 100 again tonight's show was sponsored by klein's ice cream i recline big fan rabbi wow in the shirim we're a big fan of his milk of the ice cream the chocolate with the vanilla you know the one that has five thousand calories those are our favorites schneider probably client for sponsoring our webinar platform again for everybody was the first time here every sunday night we have a sheer at 10 p.m um different topics um you know some are someone some are not the gay to everybody but uh you know please please try to come on again it's and let people know about it it's a tremendous test when somebody finds the shurim that they need or they're looking for really i've heard tremendous things again this coming sunday at 4 25 we're going to have one of the bigger diameter of charlene kaminetsky the worship of philadelphia will be discussing how to take our marriages to the next level level how to achieve the vacation shamans it should be an amazing program look forward please celebrate to join again everything tonight is recorded and uh it's going to be on www.menakhandbarefoot.com it's going to be on rabbi website the shoot yeshiva.net it's going to be on his youtube channels if anybody has any questions please email coach monaco gmail.com again tonight's share share number 51. if anybody wants to listen to it on the telephone the phone number is 848 777 grow that's 848 777 grow again a special thank you to all our advertising sponsors liquid scoop robbie from jcn this is mika sopher from cola live and closing words for the for the whole series coach monaco wow the thank yous are coming in but hashem i want to thank everyone for coming you remember jacobson for giving your time and uh i i think it was very very very needed and uh somehow we have to continue a place where people can come and uh listen ask so they can get the little guidance but i just want to end like like we heard the whole time that this is basically this is the journey of life and we need to learn some skills like we discussed uh open communication could be with the parents sometimes when you're dating and sometimes with yourself uh listening skills how to hear what the other person is saying and then you because you get the triggers what are my thoughts and when a person does find himself or herself in a place where you don't want to be with the negative emotions to understand that that's this is part of the journey and don't get phased you know comes and goes and like we say positive and negatives if you want to continue feeling those positives um the negatives go along so there are negatives and positives like a roller coaster goes up and down up and down and a lot of people don't like it they get burnt once and oh i don't want to try it again but uh this is part of the journey but one thing we have to do is make sure we take along hashem uh wherever we go let him hold our hands and guide us in whatever it is and we can always talk to him and ask him and down to him and with hashem all over here that neither should have it hashem and all those that need it should we go easy and i should open our eyes we should see what we need to see i'm in a man i'm going to see jacobson after such a good welding series give the oil in the physic the inspiration let's go okay first of all i am really privileged and thrilled that this was amazing i think whenever jews get together to do good things and help each other there is an incredible sayata deshmaya we all see it and i want to tell you something about life the only people who don't get criticized are the people who do nothing you hear usher people who do nothing don't get criticized people who do things there's always negative feedback it just means you're doing so it's so important it's such a privilege to be part of such a project that i hope will continue in one form or another form to be able to bring so many people together to discuss things that are really at the heart of our lives as individuals as a community as am hashem as amanetsa i also want to really bless every single one of you that your journey should be smooth and easy and and geshmaq and delightful as best as possible for those of you looking for your soulmates to be able to find the mashativo maslakas and build beautiful homes and amazing families with brachavats i also want to conclude with two more thoughts number one i know that there are some people who harbor some very very private questions very intimate questions questions that you may think are extremely uncomfortable to ask and you're not even comfortable to put them in chat or to come on live i saw some questions that came in that are very personal and deal with some deep struggles that people have so i just want to open the floor and say that anybody who has such a question that we have not dealt with feel free to email it to the washer or to coach management and if you want i should look at it ask them to forward it to me it's confidential you don't even have to write your name just give an email you can make up an email address if you want we don't care it's not about finding out who you are and blee neder i will try to address it to the best of my ability and really no taboos in other words i know some of people are dealing with some serious stuff um i'm not gonna get graphic here but you know what i'm talking about and feel free you it's important to have somebody to speak to who will not judge you and here you're dealing with a group of people who are not judgmental um i certainly work on myself not to be judgmental it's actually not hard for me when you're around the block a couple of times you see that all judgment is ignorant so it's not really hard not to be judgmental but really i want to open up before that anyone who has any question you could pass it on so coach manasseh if you want it forward it to me they'll forward it to me and i will be neder and respond to you the last thing i want to share with you is that's the i think such an important tidbit on life that helps me and i think it can help all of us that is we live today in an incredible generation rabbi taylor said this on sunday he said it's a generation of openness and open communication it used to be that there was a lot of dishonesty teenagers did not tell their parents what they were thinking youth did not tell their teachers what they were thinking today is the generation where everything is coming out in the open it's painful because it's not being repressed but it's also an amazing blessing that everything is coming out you know what else is coming out my friends all the stress all the anxiety a lot of traumas it's all coming out and it's hard for all of us because we're dealing with a lot these days but what i want to tell you is that this is all part of the blessing of google in order to be liberated we have to spit out our toxicity our negativity our traumas our anxieties our stress it's all coming out so that we should clear up and cleanse our systems to be able to come to a point where we will all experience the oneness the oneness of hashem the oneness of the world the oneness of our people the oneness of infinity whatever is coming up in your life before dating during dating and after day i beg you don't be afraid of it don't be ashamed of yourself it's so important these days to be able to forgive yourself forgive yourself for not being perfect forgive yourself for making mistakes forgive yourself for having challenges in your mind and experiencing thoughts that are very very uncomfortable to deal with forgive yourself these are all things that are emerging in order to be able to help you come closer to your true self which is infinite divine incredibly amazing and powerful hold on hold on to your core hold on to the reverend shalom remember who you are never ever forget who you are and live life from that space from that attitude and then you will be able to conquer every challenge because you will know that you were not sold you were sent you're not a victim you're not a loser you were sent into this world with an amazing light you're never ever stuck i want everybody to get rid of those words from our intellectual and mental vocabulary i'm stuck you're not stuck you're not stuck you're a piece of hashem hashem is not stuck you're not stuck you were sent into a difficult world you were sent into a difficult challenge to bring light into that place but you're never ever stuck at your core you are eternally free thank you very much sunday 10 o'clock same time same place grocery shopping we love you guys love you too bye bye-bye