Kesher Nafshi 8-Chinuch in turbulent Times: Bechira or Shmura

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com everybody. I think that uh I want to start first with uh just want to sh I'm sure all of us would love to stand up and share our emotions from Sat Shabas. It's so inspiring and everything and just being but I think the greatest inspiration is uh sitting together with so many people that are at our age that are ready to hear and change. Like imagine you hang up a uh a poster and you say like you know we're creating a group where we're going to tell you everything you did till now or something else is wrong and we're going to switch around. we're going to change your whole life. Whatever your parents told you till now, which nobody would come into that convention, it would just just never happen. But uh our situations pulled us right in here and and we're all doing it so graciously. We're waiting with Sam be able to on the Shabas afternoon have that the the uh the panel over there and have a few hundred people in one room and it should be quiet and even there was there was quiet. Everybody was quiet. Amazing. I mean by even as you know today's topic we're going to talk about um basically we're going to talk about the kips but we're going to be talking more about the siblings the skips and the rest of the family and and the future of what we learned from from all these all these uh all the teachings and all the everything that we learned in the last 10 years or maybe less I mean throughout of dealing with with kips. By the way, the word kips would not fly a couple of years ago. It would not fly. It would not fly a couple of years ago. It just it just wouldn't fly to call a kid in pain. It was off the derek and there was nothing doing. We all know that the reason why Hashem created the world is we look into the we start to most are based on the where he says if Hashem created the world because the nature of good is to do good if Hashem is good if you you could be great if you're not sharing your greatness if you don't have a good you can have a good heart but if nobody if nobody gets anything from you you're not sharing your good heart that's not being a good hearten it's like having a good guitar if nobody plays it it's It's there. It's just sitting there. So, you have to have someone to play the guitar. You have to have someone that's actually doing it. Hashem created the other. He created the world and he created us. He created humans that have that we should have. We should be able to choose and have choice. And by choosing to do the right thing, we get we get closer to him. And that was the ultimate goal is to give good. He wants us at the end game. We should all end up in Gaden. He wants the end game is to catch us doing something right. not the cat was doing something wrong. I had one of the kips that I was dealing with and he said like uh you know his whole image on the way he perceived it that he grew up in he was being told that so I thought you know it's it seemed to him like Hashem is like a big barbecue in Shmayim and he's waiting for us to do an au like he's the guy's going to it's going to he's going to fall through now we're going to have uh we're going to have someone to put together like he can't wait to c he can't wait to catch you doing something wrong. Some people have that perception but there's the opposite the is to um at the end game is the end goal is to give us goods. So why did he give us the har give only which is do good but then we're robots it's called or uh it would be like a puppet you know like someone puts in a uh what's it called the puppet show and then he talks to himself he says I am great and you like what is it is the one that says the same words right but but in general just make a puppet show right uncle whatever yeah so it's nothing from it but if the puppet is part of him then it's nothing doing if the puppet is able to decide not to praise the king and he does choose to praise then then then it's not a puppet it's an individual so Hashem created us in this world that we should be individuals that are able to choose to do good and bad how many of our kids seemingly it looks like they don't have choice that tak don't have choice or at least they don't have choice in the same place their other people have but still the goal is that every person should end up choosing right of of wrong and once you You you choose right as then you know your end game was wasab. So the is the greatest key the greatest tool the greatest thing that we have is that we are able to choose right from wrong. Everybody in their own situation in different places some but at the end of the day every person for themselves knows where they have their where they able to choose right from wrong in people we try or at least we tried until now we tried getting our children in a place where they don't have to make choices even we are going to make the choices for them. So little kids, it makes sense. You have a little kid, you don't want them to be exposed to the world or to be to to to to be friends with kids with little kids that are that are talking profoundly or different word. You know, you you're we're isolating our kids in a certain sense. We want them to grow up to do the right thing. So until now means that I am keeping my children away from being exposed to the bad things in the world. The problem is that that only works until you're 13 years old. Once you're 13, you a girl is 12, boys 13. You have the ability to start making your own choices. But in our system, in the ultra system, a little more regular and less. But in the karedi world in all of us the karedi world is that we are still trying to that our children even when they're 19 20 to keep them away from a place where they can make their own choices. We are constantly giving our children shmita or we're giving them shm we're keeping them away. We don't want them to be exposed to to all the narish kite in the world. We're constantly trying to work in a to bring them to a place where they cannot choose right from wrong. We're taking away their bik. That's basically what we're doing. We we are choosing for them. I went to the glasses store uh just a few weeks ago and I bought some new glasses and there was a lady standing there very very lady with her son which was about 18 19 years old and I hear her arguing with him and she tells him this is and she's telling him no this is this is this is two this is tum like a whole and she says you're going to go into soon you can't you can't wear glasses like a it seemed to me that he was a little fine He wanted to have a little more updated glasses and and and I'm thinking to myself, this kid is 18 years old. If you trust him to get married soon, he can't he can't choose his own glasses. You don't trust that advice to so in certain communities in the in the in the ultra communities. They control the children even after the I have couples coming to me from very isolated communities in Brook in New York and and they're telling me that they have Shambias issues because her father told her that your husband became a dead I know you put on loafer shoes instead of lacer I'm not sure exactly what where the limits are and the cuffs you know I don't know if you know the cuff story you know the cuffs okay so cuffs on the pants you ladies you don't know about this whole thing are they more fancy or less pants. Oh, so when I was a teenager, it used to be that whoever had didn't have cuffs on the on the pants was on the she had to have cuffs and then it became modern not to have. So by now it's very confusing. So I'm not sure where it's up to but in every family and I had this called you know I'm teacher I'm learning with the he's telling me that he went to the store he wanted to buy a talis and his mother came along to the talis store to the swarm store and he wanted to buy himself a thinner talis and she said And a whole fight he's getting married a whole fight that you're going off to taking a thinner talis. So certain people have are trying to control or to help or to be their kids even after their someone told me he's 50 years old. He said my father still tells me what to do. Okay. Some parents only until they get married. My parents never told me a word since I got married and I'm lucky ever neither my in-laws. But some people are till then a person goes into a grocery nowadays. You want to buy ketchup. How many ketchups do you have in America? I don't know about Manchester but or in Chicago. You go into my or B park there are 12 or 15 types of ketchup. Every company, one is bigger, one is smaller, different prices, different qualities, different labels. You have to make choices at 25 types of of herring now for sure. And we have so many choices that we need to make in our life on a on a even on man things and just shopping the in the olden days in my days when I used to go to the store there was the choo choos and the three types of candies and there was jelly beans as as old as I am. So I don't know I know people older than me maybe was already in those days and and five types of cereal that were kosher and there was nothing. There's choices, choices, choices, choices, choices. I think the greatest gift you could give to your child is to learn how to make choices, smart choices in everything in life. If we know how to make a choice, decisions, our life is easier. There are so many people sitting around this way or that way. They come to me, our daughters go to this camp, that camp, but and they get so confused on how do you make choices because they were never given the opportunity. I have my little kids on PES and and right. So I have the last few years. We give them amount of money, $30 a child, maybe $30 now before inflation, after inflation, probably $50 every child. We take them to whichever store they want. Okay, obviously they want the toy store. My wife goes along with them and they could choose whatever they want within that that budget. So one kid takes off walkie-talkies and the obviously the boy the girl takes off her doll. No, probably not, but whatever. Yeah. And my wife tells him, "Okay, you could buy this. You can buy something else." And now the kid takes No, I'm going to take five small things. If you buy this toy, this toy is going to break probably within the next few days. If you want, you can buy it. But I'm telling you, rather buy this one or this one. this is going to last longer helping them making a choice, but at the end it's your money. You do whatever you want. So this kid comes home 3 days later his toy is broken. I'm not giving him another $30. So he learned he had a consequence. Life taught him something that if you buy something that's junk, it's not going to last and it's going to break. And the other kid and he sees his other brother playing with the other toy for 3 weeks and they never last too long. Oh, they lose it. The batteries or something happens. We give our children choices according to their age. I never I remember we grew up we were we are six boys and one girl but it was a boy girl and then me and then five other we always matched. It's nice my mother likes to match us but there was always me that wanted to have a different I I was very self-conscious as I wanted to wear something else. There was no such thing. You had to everybody had to come in with the green corduroy pants and had to match with and I was scared that my friends are going to think green corduroy pants are are off. It's not socially accepted and I didn't want to wear it. Of course, I made sure to tear it within a few days by their knees and you know it had to be replaced. Or a certain shoe that my mother didn't understand the nuance that that in this you can't have it. She used to tell me all shoes are black this shape and that shape. It's very it's very So we give choices to our children but with within within as long as it matches with their age. So my wife could come to them and say you could wear any of these three things but not that the kids could come and say I don't want to I I want to go with a dress to school. They have to you have to always have. So we're giving them we're teaching them to make choices to make smart choices and then later in life when they come to adult life or teenage life they learn how to make real smart choices on very important things in life. There are consequences in life. You know some people make money and they they spend it. The others learn how to save. All my kids have piggy banks. I'm very into teaching them about money. Very not that money is important. I'm not teaching that money is more important than life. No. But money is an important thing in life and you need to learn how to save. This kid saved $10 and he went to spend it. Said, "No, you sure you want to spend already? Maybe wait another week. We make different deals with them. You'll have $20." So, you know, he bought a bigger toy. He bought something small. He was a We're constantly teaching them to make smart choices to to learn and to feel how what choices means. How about Yiddishkai choices? Oh, I can't do that. Yes, you can. I have three little boys. One of them is 10, 8, and six. One of them does not like to go come to shield with me. And I always tell them, you should know it's such a privilege to dashem. There's so few people in the whole world that are Jews. I'm from the Jews. How many dions of mal are waiting for you to say regardless of your age, but if you're not ready, you do not have to come. Wife sometimes like he's getting older. And guess what? One day, mom, a couple of weeks ago, that kid started coming from the beginning to the end, sits near me and he wants to d every now and then I take a different piece and I explain to him the T and I explain to him who said this and when it started just few years ago and there was a little bit of information he should know what Davin is all about when he's ready. You have to be ready. So what happens is really is about teaching the children how to make choices, how to be smart and to make choices. Of course, we still have to have some so the and some people never are their kids. They tell them what to do. They keep them over the streets. They make sure they don't talk to this one or to that friend. And they make sure that they don't uh uh uh you know because this house has a has a video machine and this house every family on their own way trying to make shm don't do this don't look that don't they're controlling them in a certain way but they're not teaching them what life is all about and how to make choices and and to understand that there are consequences of of of of doing foolish things. There's always something that you could explain when it comes to making a decision, right? The natural thing is let's say you want to make a decision if you want to want to buy if you want to go away for Shabas or not. So what's the how do we usually do it? We say I'm going to go for Shabas. I'm going to gain this but maybe I shouldn't go because then the kids are not going to have way to go but so I should go but I shouldn't. We go back and forth right? We do that naturally. We start thinking back and forth. I teach my children when you make a decision, you first make one of the two or why you should do something or why you should not, but the whole list. Don't go back and forth and I show it on my palm of my hand and I say this is the yay and this is the nay. Let's say give me a list of all the reasons why you should go there or why you should buy you do you want to why you should buy this product or you shouldn't why you should go why you shouldn't go all the reasons why you should all the yes okay I'm going to go you're going to gain this okay what else are you going to gain okay that's and why why should you do it why and then you turn over the page and you start writing all the nos why you should not usually by the time you're filling out the second part of the sheet you're very clear what you want to in life. This is such a important life skill that I learned only later. So why should I give it to my kids? And I watch them doing it. Even my little ones I have a whole stock of them all ages. But you watch the little ones saying and they're thinking all the yes why we should do it, why we should do it, why we should, what am I going to gain, what what is it good for? And and then why I should not and what happens is such clarity. And the same thing is when it comes to yiddish kite and I think that this is uh also a very important thing to separate there's the basher and there's the right we all know and this is one of the questions that was asked today where is the where is bash so you have I have so many couples counting a huge chunk of the of the issues are money right monetary issues and he should take a night job he should work at night he should work in the morning he should do that he's not doing enough she's not doing enough she should work he should It's should we do this? Should we not? It's a gun. And he says, "What do you mean? I'm doing I'm not I'm not to do if Hashem wants he." And he has 100 stories proving that you don't have to work more. You don't have to do or anything in life. And then the other says, "What do you mean if you don't do you have?" And she also has 100 stories what you should do. You have to do extra. This sadic did extra and that and that one. And everybody brings their eyes. Where is How does it work? Rasher from Shmay. and knowing when you've done enough. when you've done versus people go to doctors for certain situations and they go to and the other guy says what do you mean run to more you know so it's endless trying to to do something and it's endless to to to say I'm not doing anything I'm just relying on I'm just the telephone I got a from the over here I said 40 and uh Hashem is going to So where how does that work? So I always say the same thing with the palm. I say let's do everything that makes sense. Let's say we want to buy a house, an investment property or whatever it is and let's talk practical. Are we able to do it? How much money is it going to cost? Talk to the lawyers. Talk to the mortgage brokers. Get to the bottom of the nothing. Basher over here comes to everybody uses the word by when it comes to Basher but it's so much easier right because you never get to the bottom of things a million% so you say it was basher I always tell people I don't want to hear the basher word until the it's not Basher yet once it happened the Basher until then you have to do the maximum of finding out information making sure your child knows what they're looking for make sure you know who he or she is marrying to make sure they meet up enough times. Make sure you're doing everything zero bash. Don't mention Hashem's name now, please. It's up to you. Once the happened, you take all the papers, you tear it up, you take the magnifying glass, you break it out. It's the best. It's Basher because it happened already. So don't confuse Bash while you're doing not when it comes to going into a business. Yeah, you sit you're sitting there through the meeting like a half an hour and deciding we should do a business deal and you go into it. You're gonna see and I and I make sure to to all true is the one that's actually doing the one actually that's giving us but Hashem wants us to do our part and our part is is the same when it comes to doing decisions back and forth. Don't do back and forth. A whole list practical. Does it make sense? Does it make sense what I'm going to do now with my kip? We're doing this, we're doing that. Afterwards, you say, "Let's turn over the page. Let's go to the bash side. We're going to start saying to let it work out. We're going to go take whatever you want to do. You could say you're going to be mal and you're going to say whatever is going to happen is anyway up to Hashem." Yes, of course. To do both. You can't just do one. But you have to first be practical. Is not practical. It's not. It has to make sense. But going back and forth is something that's always going to confuse us. When I talk to a person and they say, "Yeah, was basher was basher. Let's let's put basher in a minute. Let's talk. Let's manto man. Let's talk like let's talk. Does it make sense or doesn't make sense?" This is all coming from a place where people are we're confused. We don't know how to when it comes to making choices, when it comes to deciding on things. We're constantly going back and forth. And I think that this is confusing us the most. So if you come over here for shabas and you meet up with a professional of your liking there's a whole lot a whole lot of us and you you discuss it and you make a decision or by sitting with two or three and you go home you sit down with your spouse you make a decision this is how we're going to deal with this kid this is what we're going to do this is the practical stuff this makes sense you go home you follow you do what you have to do of course you have to turn over the page and be and ask and give whatever you can in the rough place that that Hashem should help that it should go faster than planned and better than planned and you shouldn't have to it should be in school and I wish all of you should talk we should all go home with Niss we should all be shocked but we need to have a practical plan. So if making choices is one is something that we need every single day in our life from going to the grocery and from which gas station to buy gas. I just spoke to someone. He's a a galitani. I don't know if you know what galitani is. They they come from the he very poor place. They're extremely stingy by nature. Polish galitan is even more. And this guy is I know him. He owns a minimum of 80 properties that I know of. And he tells me I get a stomach ache when I take gas on the 17 and I pass by the next gas station. It's two cents less a gallon. I get a stomach ache. I think this happens only to rich people. Only to rich people. Maybe. Maybe that's why they became rich. That's what he tells me. That's what became rich. He saved all these fies. But people talk as a mention. But you know what? What's the problem? The problem is not the stingy part. It's okay. Maz used to say there's about you could save. Saving is a good thing. Being stingy is something else. The saving is stingy. But that that's not the problem. The problem is that people have buyers regret. What is it called? After they buy something, huh? Buyers remorse. Buyers remorse. Why? What does that come from? Because in the first place when they made that decision was not based on the clarity. Clarity is key to success in every way, shape or form. So the most important thing is to learn how to make decisions, how to separate and make clear. This is this is right, this is wrong. Let's do first yay or nay whatever you know constantly go. I wanted to share with you a story. I had a single man that came to me from Kichi guy from Lakewood. It's a while ago. He got remarried and the wife had a big kid and he he made a big decision back for I was not involved at the time. I was only got involved after he got married and he took this he wanted to marry this woman but she had a boy. Okay. He took this kid in. This kid was in his way on a daily basis. You know you get married to a wife. You want privacy and you know you want to be able to you know to live together and and then you know he's always in the kitchen and he's always in the dining room. He's always sitting on the couch. you know there's no sh it was it was you know and he developed a hate to this child and that's when he reached out to me mama a hate he said when he heard his name or he saw this kid he came a little too late to me but he came at least he came he broke it and he was mammish and I tried working with him you know to be retroactive if he would have made a decision properly knowing exactly what he's going into speak to a few professionals talk to people that that have done blending families It's not blending because he didn't have any children. So see that if he would know what he's getting into there wouldn't be any hate. There wouldn't be but Lamasa was done that way. I saw I have no opinion. He told me it's starting to make me feel resentment towards my wife. When she's nice to him I feel like he's taking away from me. He was so honest his deepest insecurities and every he opened every folder in his head. I appreciate when someone is real and this was his issue till I did the same thing with him. I said, "Let's make a list of every reason why you hate this kid." So, I started I made a few columns. He takes away my privacy. He takes this. What does certain parts in your brain say? I I I tell you, should I tell you really what I think of sometimes? I wish he doesn't wake up in the morning, but because it's going to be the least s from like he's talking about every everybody. We all have parts. He was talking about every single part. I loved it. He was honest. We're sharing every single reason why he does not like this kid and his kid is never going to like. We wrote three columns. I don't know like 50 things, 50 items. How old was the child? I don't know, four, five years old. A little kid. But he was writing to me. Okay. But he was in between he kept going back. No, but he's also good. I said, "No, no, no. That soon that we're doing that later. We're not talking about the good parts yet." And he start again. But he does is also there's other part of him, right? this is just the insecure one. I said, "No, no, we're going to get there soon." And he said, "Okay, I don't have anything." I said, "No, we're writing 10 more things." And we forced he was thinking and oh, so because of that and I remember by my brother S and he came, he wanted to be in the pictures and I'm wondering that 10 years from now when we're going to have children together, they're going to be exposed and they're going to know that he's from a different husband. Like it's going on and on. We finished that side of the paper. He needed a coffee and a drink. I took a walk with him. We came back into the office. I said, "Let's do the other thing. Tell me any good that this boy brought any in marriage. I can't think of anything. Three things. Start saying if my wife wouldn't have this child, she would never marry me. He I come from a crazy home. My father's a known person rocking the streets in Michigan. My mother is this. My siblings are this. This girl is coming from a phenomenal family and everything else. Started writing, writing, writing. I said, "What happens when you compliment that kid? Does it bring you closer to your wife?" He says, "She lights up." When there's a hard moment at home, I'm nice to the kid. I have two seconds. I'm able to to rebuild our rekindle our our harmony at home, our love at home in seconds writing. We wrote three pages of three columns. He called me up a few days later. He said, "Shi, I love this kid." And by the way, he sent me a text that he's he had a he had another he had a child with her. Why am I sharing this? These are gifts that in school we're not taught how to make choices, how to separate things, how to decide and divide. You know they say divide and conquer. You you you're finding something divided. If you could write down settle of all the good that your kip is giving you. You know I'm getting there but this had to be I think we could all do it. We have it at home. We have that kid that this guy had. It's just not our it's our own kid. Write down lists and lists of all the goods. Maybe you should write with all the the pain you have first. And while you're writing the pain, don't write anything about the good you have from any any advantage, any pleasure, nothing. just all the sour that you're having from this child. A list and a list and a list and a list and a list. You do both lists, you're going to love this kid so easy. You're not going to need half of the speeches here. You're going to call them every day and kiss up that kid if we're lucky if they're home. I once shared with you a few shabatons back that when I lost a child with my second marriage, we lost a child 16 months old baby. She did a wakeup show this morning 11 years ago. We were sitting Shiva and my wife was telling me she's amazing. She says, "Let's write a list of all the good things that came along with this nayan." I wasn't sure if I want to start with that list or the other list, but we said, "Okay, let's do this. We're going to write everything that we write. If three out of these three things things would be missing, it would have been a thousand times harder throughout the Shiva. Hundreds of people coming right and we went into our room started writing. We wrote 100 items as simple things as if my wife would have said if I would have feed the baby, the baby had to die. She was 16 months old. She had to pass away. Imagine she would have passed away while I'm feeding her and she choked. I would have had guilt all my life. Write it down. She was our second child together. second marriage marriage would have been our first child. It would have been a million times harder. Write it down. The other kids were not home that Shabas was Shabas morning. So they didn't see the trauma. They didn't see the whole thing. It was a very traumatic scene over there. Write it down. We were writing and writing and writing and writing. That Friday, this happened to Shabas Friday. I was in Home Depot and I called up my wife and I said there was skits of of uh carbon monoxide detectors and I said, "Do we have we just bought the house a few days before? Do we have a carbonoxide detector home?" I don't know. I'll buy one. I bought one. is stuffed in a battery right before showers and put on top of the fridge. The first thing when the police came, they called Raccoin and the fire department to check if there's carbon monoxide and they said, "You don't have a carbon monoxide detector." So, I was thinking to myself, "Who know?" I said, "What? I just got one. It's right at the top of the fridge." Oh, okay. I would have lived in guilt forever that maybe the baby, you know, Lamas was cry. But till 18 months, they say was she was 16 months old. And we wrote that down. Carbonioxide detector, everything. Everything. No. Our child did not come back home. Didn't happen. But we were living in a different world after writing that 100 things. Yeah. We were talking about all the sar and all the we had years to talk about that. There's nothing like it. This is called separating. Separating in emotionally separating even in suda even in a good time you write down you separate or you talk about it at least you share and you separate. It's dividing and conquer. It's all about it's all about right and left humanist right and left it's always considered right and left we need to always have and separate things we're able to get such clarity anytime you need to make a decision about your kid you decide who is the person that you're going to discuss it with and then you write down all the pros and the cons why should we choose should we not but we should but maybe we shouldn't but if that's going to that's going to and then when you make the decision knowing that your mamish have all the reasons, all the yays and all the nays, you don't look back. You don't have buyer's remorse. You don't have you don't look back in any decision you ever made. And if we could give this to our children, this gift, you're giving them a great gift. And how about Skips, a sibling of a Kip? if we could sit down with them and I do it. I sit with my kids and and and with children you got to do many times and I don't do the older ones with the younger ones at the same time. Certain ages we sit down and we write together and we discuss. I don't always write. What what s do you have from having I'm embarrassed. I go to school and I know in this person and that one and my teenagers telling me that one day came with yeshiva. It was a kipka you know like a kipka people. He walked in the whole time and he heard them talking about about their siblings. such bishes and we're talking we're crying about it and then I said before we get up let's write down a few good things can't be any good things so let's try and when they stand up they love that sibling they're able to mammish love their sibling because they first of all they're validated it was clear it's organized and they had every re and I don't let jump to the to to to the good parts totally first the bad then the good sometime does the opposite and mameish makes it so much easier it's it's under able to separate and and see how to make is called it it's always it's always talking conquering the is also the same idea there's there's a with with your with your mitz we were told that if you do a with oh you're bal you're going to go da now you're doing this and he spoke and now he's still going to gifts to it's two separate it's two separate and all the talk about it again and again I'm sure others as well as I said already the the the writes a few times in a person did the biggest in the world and a minute later there's a mitzvah to be done he says I'm not going to do this mitzvah who am I he says this is a cursus even the mitzvah You always have to separate. It's two separate things. We are all sadikim. I struggle with this. I struggle with that. The says he says interesting thing. He says on says you should love your fellow just like you love yourself. He says what does that mean? You love yourself knowing that I have I'm a good guy. I have a problem. I have suffer jealousy. I have a problem suffer but I'm a good person. I suffer from cast but I'm a good person. Says the same thing do with another person. separate the good themselves from their from the bad deeds. Separate them from their deeds. And if we could do this with our kips, if we could sit with the skips and tell them this and say there are two a person could be a shabas and this same person could be the greatest bud and this person could be unbelievable and get about we have to try when it comes to ourselves. We have to try the max as much as we can when it comes to others. Separate them from their deeds. This is so hopefully in the the years to come we're going to have way over when it comes to our children are being exposed to every single thing in the world. I deal with with bkim from the most yeshivas top elite yeshivasi from every crowd from litish I'm telling you I know these boys come to me or I should help to build their self-esteem the manal send them to me when they're sitting in my office after once or twice they feel comfortable they start telling me how many TV shows and episodes are being sent around between the yeshivas this little tiny SD cards you know the big payers that parents have no clue what they're seeing. So their parents are still busy giving shm you're not allowed to go with the taxi because of the story with the you shouldn't go there because you're going to so the more the world is getting open the more shir they're giving to you know certain certain places became become more isolated more closed the more the world is opening instead of teaching them how to choose to be aid we say every day by ding hashem chooses us with love who does he choose Just a few years ago, it was so easy. You lived in theettle or even in America till a few years ago. I grew up in Bora Park. I didn't even know what a is ever. The the the guy that cleaned the yes is yeshiva the pull down the tablecloths. He was a guy. Why did I say I don't know anything about a I grew up in mish in in the hisha community in the yusha community. Nobody's living in the yiddish community anymore. Of course, we are in bashm. It's great. But we need to the walls shattered. There's no walls around us. We are lucky that we know what our kids are up to. At least some we know that they need help. I'm much more worried for these bhim that come to me and the parents don't know. I would never share with the parents. If I know the parent is besides a word is a word if even if the kid is younger than under 18 because if I know the guys if I if the parents are going to know about it they're going to destroy this kid rather not tell them. These are like traumas that are not treated. Someone told me a big ask over here at he said in Bamesh he spoke to the phone company. I don't know who who does the cell phones if it's bez company. I don't know how many people live in Bamesh. He says double the amount of subscribers and cell phones they have over there. That means everybody has two cell phones. I know I'm a WhatsApp rebu following on WhatsApp. But I know exactly what's happening in I was by the yesterday uh to um Thursday morning. How many people came to me? Whoa, where did they if they know me, it's only through WhatsApp. What's the problem? And it's or in if you have a smartphone and you want to put a filter, your children are out of school. So all of them have a smartphone in this pocket. In this pocket, they have the the flip phone and no filter. The answer is a genius. No filter. I remember many years ago there was there was a I went for training on on dealing with drugs because I was when I started dealing with teens and he told me I want to come to yeshiva he's a guy he said he himself was over the whole I want to come to she I said what do you mean as long as there's not even 1% of boys that are weed why do you need to come expose them like like in the public schools are teaching them about safe you know but why teaching them those stuff why exposing if there would be 80% of bkim that are or even 50% % to 40% of Bharim that are exposed to drugs then you come he teach them how not to get fooled and don't just start with a brownie it's not a brownie it's not a jelly and if you know there's a bubble gum just by the very sad story I had a a young man that told me that I was a school teacher many years ago and he went to flatbush with his wife on shabas kdesh and his wife collapsed when they came home she she ate a it was not a brownie it was a bowl of gum whatever The name it was called, huh? It's a kish. A jelly. A kdish. A jelly. But it's it was it took her 6 weeks. She had to be flushed of blood. When they got to mass, it was crazy. And they got back, this young man is ready to sue whoever it was. But it had like I don't know the numbers. You were taking it. No, no. There was 250 millig whatever it was. Like it's like 10 joints at once. So basically if we if the world is not there yet almost not there yet but if we come to a place where it's readily available even for people that are not the junkies there are no junkies but let's just for conversation purposes then we're going to have to educate all of us right a brownie that doesn't look brown right so we don't want to expose kids to things but if you know that in every yes yeshiva I don't work with girls that much I work boys, but I'm sure it's the same thing with the girls. Then maybe you should have a magic coming up and and talking about the world. Why would you shouldn't watch movies? And if you end up watching movie, there's a huge difference between rated Rated PG-13. PG PG-13 is rated R. I don't even know the it's it's bamish, but at least they should know the difference. So you start have to start teaching the world, the kids, our children, the next generation on making smart choices and choosing to be a Yid and choosing Hashem over everybody else. So that means that we need to start telling them why they should be a Yid that we should be able to say Hashem chooses us and then we say right back. But if our children don't know why they're hidden, they don't know why they should if you know how many people ask me these book come in and they say my shakas I want to have shakas in the morning so long hurts me already. What are these makum thinking? Every book is up to that level and again and again and he doesn't even know why. He says so so ask me questions you know they always ask me said you can ask me whatever you want. Why do I need to d if Hashem knows my problems? Do I need to tell him? Do I need to beg him? Is the ego involved? I start telling them what fill is all about. I never knew like I didn't even know the touch. We need to start teaching our children minds that you're teaching them all the reasons why they should do it. All the good everything that's happening, they should choose. Who do you think Mashia is going to come to? Robots. He's not going to come to robots. That's why Hashem created the internet today. I don't know. I'm not I'm not a shaman, but I'm thinking he created a world when all of us plus all of our children and our future children even more to choose Hashem every moment of every day. We are choosing. In the old days, if someone wanted to do an a you had to travel a miles, it's all at our fingertips. You could do like Shabas friends say my sister's married go $36 for right and the second what do you do we're doing by by moving the finger like this and we can do the biggest aas by moving the finger like this you could hurt someone with a text you could hurt someone by forwarding a text if this is the case I want to see every ro and every shield before lining giving a shear how to deal with WhatsApp not how not to have WhatsApp wake up yes 80% of has WhatsApp if not more face it I know how many people have WhatsAppy because all following me how many people come and give and then someone someone asked the guy cashier recently million stories in my head but and he said we can't stay I watch anytime I go into my car sends me a text I watch your your your status every day everybody has WhatsApp And there's no shidam how to deal with WhatsApp almost like like like bameish that we you could destroy someone's prasa by forwarding that I just went to this glasses store and I didn't like the glasses within a week that guy people are not walking to the store destroying families on the internet on the internet even million times more you send a message to your alaba to your mima to your neighbor How you doing? It's eras [Music] means that we face reality and we teach how to make choices and why they should want to make the choice. Why should someone choose yishkite? I want to share with you a story. Someone reached out to me recently. Well, not recently to me recently a year or two ago. He said that my son is dating got engaged to a shika. Maybe you could talk to to my son to get him to drop this girl. So he gave you my number. He's a modern Orthodox person living in he's a doctor. He tells me I told him uh my son you're the last option we have. And Robin Flatbush gave my number. Fine. I said, "Listen, I want you to know that if this boy is going to come to me, I'm a guy. I'm have a beard. I'm a person. But if he has no issue talking to me, this boy walks into my office as tall as this." He sits down and says, "Yeah, yeah." You're like, "I've been to a I know all the stuff. I'm not interested in Yiddish kite. I love this girl. It's a done deal." I said, "Great. I'm a very curious person. I don't know if you did some research on me. I love knowledge. I would love to know your perspective in hiddite your perspective on Hashem and Tyra. You convince me. Let's started going with the whole conversation. And I didn't use I I was I was trained by many many years ago. My my my mother's first cousin, Rabbi Mati, is one of the big I used to go there and everything. I took my training. So I I knew nothing touching those arguments. Zero. Nothing from the nothing. I went total different direction one after the other. But I love this girl. I love her. I'm never going to Hashem sent me a beautiful story a few days before aid tells me a story. And this it was amazing. What's the story? The capish in the lower east side of Manhattan. There was a cap was one of the greatest sadik that survived the holocaust survived without his wife and kids. people used to used to always take from him. He never traveled without taking from him the nagget always took from from from the saddic. So this was saying that he was in the in the barracks over there. He was in the Ashwitz and there was people came for and he said that one person came and he said in the next barrack there's there was trains coming in from different countries. So they bought him from Germany, Geden from Germany, and this one German Yid is crying and pulling his hair 24/7. And nobody could calm him down. Reba, maybe you could talk to him. So he says, "Bring bring him to me." Comes to the Reb. And the Reb says, "What's the problem?" "My wife, my kids." He says, "All of us. They took all of our wives, our kids. They took everything. All we're all in the same boat. It's it's talking. You don't understand." And he says, "I went OTD and I wanted to marry the shika and my father threw me out of the house and he said, "If you marry the shika, she's going to hurt you one day." And I didn't believe him and we had the greatest life. I had a few children with her. And then when the Nazis a few days ago came knocking at every door and every German door, are you hiding a gid? Says my own kids, my wife said, he is a Jew. They couldn't resist that moment. My wife and my kids turned me into the Nazis and that's why I'm here. I told the story to this guy. He says, "I'm not convinced. She would never do it on me." I said, "You know what? Would she convert for you?" That's a conversion. She would do anything for you. Let her convert. Your father is oldfashioned, isn't it? Let her convert. Ah, she would never do it. He calls me up the next day. I broke off the shed. Sometimes a little bit of knowledge could do a lot of things. It it it cut off it severed the such a deep love that he had for her. Knowledge is power. If we want our kids to make smart choices, okay, the Kips are not always ready to hear what we have to say, but at least the skips or the other kids, if we could, if you want the future to survive in Kali, it's not going to work anymore. Robot, do it because this is what we do and this is encourage questions. So you should be able to fill them up with knowledge as much much knowledge as you can Jewish pride even how proud Sid you know how beautiful is let's not talk about that for skip by the way for kips that's the only thing that works talked to them about the Eden are the smartest nation that we create all the technology and which is true you know many medicines come out of Eden and the whole world is studying Hundreds of thousands of students around the world trying to understand one line in Einstein's talk about all the Eden the geniuses. This is not a real pride. The real pride is the being of course. But sometimes for the kips this works put in at least Jewish pride in them. Let them walk around with the star of David necklace or star of David tattoo rather than something else over there. This is as much as we can do. And then we hope obviously when they're going to be healed one day very soon then we're going to they're going to make smart choices. Life the future of Kalis is if we have knowledge and because the world is giving us permission to make choices. We're making choices which someone told me now he's and he just learned the whole you know and he went through all the and he decided that he's not keeping he's starting shabas early and he's ending shabas early went through he was mine I don't think he has to be mine discussion and he's kind of I said great he said no you don't understand this is he said his father would not eat from this house anymore shabas you're make Abdullah and makes or the literatur make which the orn and your and your shabas of if you go into your car before 72 I'm not talking to you anymore these are these are the results from I had a meeting with that father I told him let's talk about let's talk about it most of most until World War II did not keep from 72 there was a meeting you know about right there was a meeting over here in America suat together with many others he was he's a tons the tons that kept it yeah and he was trying to convin took upon took upon a different place in the day they didn't keep 72 but it became such a thing to these people that don't have meaning they don't have knowledge you could keep your stuff if you want to dress like a certain dress code like your parents and fet you should but at least know why you're doing it have that you know it's like when the boys play ball they tell them you're shy so they think okay so if I'm playing ball already I got to be it's the same thing you know I'm I'm teaching in yeshiva forever yes now now is actually closed now for the while we're going to reopen it but for a couple of years I was there every Thursday for being with I was giving them they were asking me all kinds of questions y and kite and everything about life the was saying how hard is for them the smartphone shabas I gave a whole schmiss if if it would be recorded, I would probably banned forever. I was telling the difference between a cigarette and a smartphone. If you cross the line of using a smartphone, which you're not allowed to on Shabas, it's not even a million miles close of turning on a lighter and lighting a cigarette. This is this is this is your trend other people would take it as if I'm I'm permitting it's okay to use a smartphone to me it's clear that if the san would be living today they would say smartphone is said even if you can't pinpoint the exact p because if you know what chabas is meant to be smartphone is user because when I go on vacation and I leave my cell phone in the hotel room. That's the reason. And by the way, if you do take it with you on vacation, feel so bad to you. Even subconsciously, even when it's on vibrate, even when it's closed, not every part of your brain is closed. Your flip phone leaving your hotel room when you're going on that walk on vacation. That's the that's enough of reason but it doesn't come close to actually being shabas and smoking cigar shabas it's so came to me and he said I stopped smoking shabas for weeks already smart I can't I they're so addicted you know what addiction is it's an addiction [Music] we have shabas so we don't get addicted to the phone totally we are addicted somewhat how many times a person touched their phone. I know the numbers, the studies. Crazy what it's doing to us. But again, it's a new thing. Like every new thing, it takes time till till humans figure out how to use and not to abuse it. And this is such a big things, it's going to take longer. But our children, the next gen going or us in a few years from now, know exactly how to use technology in a healthy way. This is called teaching them how to make. But if you come in, you say if you're going the whole you're going to look like with his smartphone. It's going to be the same exact thing. They're all going to be smoking a shabas. If you save the book of one cigarette, one Shabas, he saved the whole world. He shabas. I'm not talking about the real Kips. We know that, right? I'm just talking about in between the way we call them the gray area. I'm going to conclude with this that let's fill ourselves up with knowledge. Let's all become very curious. Let's us ask let us ask questions on yiddishkite. If you like it about victim is great beautiful books questions and answers the Q&As's or the someone gave out a book now some people it's not good they don't like his style description pink is this there this a there there are there are hundreds of resources today let's fill ourselves up with as much knowledge as we can that we should make smart choices and our children should make smart choices and our skips we're going to fill them up that they should not also become they're seeing things these kids if you give them knowledge people always ask this is the common question by every single shabaton we have right what do we do but if you bring home a kid the other kids I said the opposite this is giving you an opportunity to give answers to your other kid ask me questions when would you ever sit down with your daughter and discuss about smoking cigarette she doesn't smoke or anything but if she sees her sibling living in the house and doing things he tell them why it's not good why is a girlfriend bad why is what what's without without the Islam why what what's what is it doing to their life but we need to fill ourselves up with answers and we give them the answers this is great opportunities to help them get closer and I want okay I'm going to turn off the video I want I want to say this off record okay you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by to anytime.com