KLM Easy Mitzvot Series 5: When its Permitted to Speak Loshen Horah with Rabbi Asher Baruch Wegbreit

[Music] welcome back to klm i just can't believe we have a few weeks break and the world just turns over and around uh it's never dull it's certainly never dull in aries israel where we're filming from and it's not all around the world so i was in the middle of what we call an easy mitzvah series which is a lot of fun and shows you how fun and deep and beautiful mrs are like chavez etc however i think we need to pause and complete something that will help us to respond i mean there's been a war there was a war against israel there's been anti-semitism all around the world and what's so beautiful about being jewish is we are not just mere uh bystanders we have a lot we can do a ton and it just occurred to me you know if they did studies about jews it seems to be that they're so involved in general and social activism right they're very active and i think that the jewish soul knows that uh we're responsible for the world okay and that's a it's wonderful that hashem has given this task to be a light and to be responsible but it's heavy too it really is you know let's say like again in eretz israel the corona leanhar has settled down okay so shen made a beautiful miracle here but you know as jewish people if there are people suffering anywhere you know and in india look at it what's going on in india and brazil you know these things we're responsible for the world hashem looks to us and what's impact it's so empowering though how much we can do okay but i want to suggest not by activism ready inactivism inactivism is going to change the world and bring peace and love and the redemption that's what i would like to suggest inactivity you're thinking right what does that mean okay i want to first show you from the torah that being inactive is powerful and important okay because what is inactivity it's overcoming being reactive because reactive is the source of so much trouble all right speaking generally let's get down to brass tacks adam marichon the first human being has how many mitzvahs one mitzvah right so you might think like uh build fruit trees you know some like beautiful act uh study the torah after all we we now say that the torah is the biggest myth of all so he didn't say study the torah he didn't say to do anything what did hashem say don't eat from this tree okay we know he wanted us to eat from others but the point is the commandment was do not do okay do not react to temptation and so that was you see number one the the one commandment if he had done that the final redemption would occur if he had just been inactive about that tree one case here's another one see why why am i stressing this too commandments make us feel good you know and they should you do kindness you encourage a person you help the poor you save captives those are great and you feel great but if you just control yourself if all you do is you just control yourself it we don't feel like we did so much you hear that we don't feel that self-control and inactivity accomplishes let's see why we're wrong who split the c okay shannon marshall did the thing why did he split the sea because joseph atzadek controlled himself with potiphar that's the amazing thing joseph sadik did an act of self-control and as a result the c split the midrash says the c split in the merit of joseph exotic being inactive there you go again you hear this so that's two two examples right and i want to tell you i want to bring in another example of how inactivity is profound and has a profound effect okay shabbos is in activity right the main service of shabbos is to refrain from doing malacha right that's called guarding the shabbos and just i mean maybe people i'm sure this went viral but i just want to tell you in brief a story i saw rabbi yol gold uh it was incredible uh these uh these brothers who owned a die a jewelry store very fancy jewelry in new york so it's shabbos they're making kiddush something like this and the alarm goes off and they hear this they see the phone ringing and the phone was from the alarm service at the jewelry store and it keeps ringing keeps ringing keeps ringing and the one brother looks like he goes come on it's shabbos we can't do that you don't break the shabbos because of financial problems right but it didn't stop it was all night in the morning it kept ringing ringing ringing right so mostly shabbos you know they held on right mostly shabbos they come running to they get in their car and they go to the jewelry store in new york right and lo and behold the owner goes into the jewelry store he sees the jewels strong strewn everywhere but what he's terrified about is the safe that has the most power precious jewelry right thank god it's locked and so as he's walking out the police come up to the jewelry store and they said who are you and he says i'm the owner and then someone broke in and he says wait a minute was the alarm ringing all night you know he says yes and day why didn't you answer he says it was my shabbat and i listen to hashem and i i'm inactive i i don't respond so the policeman who wasn't jewish said he says your shabbos and your hashem saved your life because you're getting calls all night by the thieves they lower themselves in through the air conditioning vent and what they do is they want the owner to respond to the alarms and don't come there and then they pull a gun on him they make him open the vault and then they kill him he says your shabbat saved your life inactivity right so we have to start value we as i said the the number one commandment was don't eat right the the only commandment that would have been enough for a gonadian that we have joseph sadik's restraint with another woman split in the merit of that hashem and split the sea and we see shabbos most of the time you're inactive and that's it's protecting you and the jewish people okay so i'd like to suggest that what we can do right now is to to stop what's going on you know all the you know with the one thing and people will note it that we're hearing israel the one thing that the war did is brought us together you know there's a togetherness it's really unfortunate you know i promise you shin doesn't want to do it that way he would love us to get together and not be negative and critical and this and that he'd love us to be inactive when it comes to speaking negatively he'd love us to and do it that way not through wars not through missiles and all these things and tragedies that break the heart of everybody right so i want to for you for those who saw that the first time we did this we're going to review the 10 rules of speech and that gives you a chance to be actively inactive because if you're not if it's not in the forefront of your consciousness you can't stop right and again i want you to know the the gemara says it's your constraint is like you did a positive commandment you you're going to bask and reward for that okay so we're going to review those 10 and then bring another seven that are so important if we want to be inactive and bring the redemption okay let's take a look one more thing uh to mention adam and hava started with one commandment but then after they left the garden of eden they had they actually had a total of six and then uh when noah came there was another mitzvah so now there's seven that's with the vinay noah the the holy people that observe those it's seven not just one just to make sure that's clear but now let's go back to the uh incredible um power of inactivity right so these are what we call the ten basic rules of speech right and if you if you have these in your consciousness you're ready you're ready to just accomplish extraordinary things by your restraint now i want to remind you that we need to remember right the information that's not there to call up in our consciousness is not going to help us so we're going to just do this easy process of repetition and repetition will lead to retention so as i do it with the people in the class here i encourage you to i'll pause and also ask don't answer immediately we'll have a little pause and then you'll answer and everybody try to answer as well we'll get these back into our system okay because it's been several weeks and then we'll introduce in a very important seven okay here we go we said that you should not speak or you should not say something it's lush and hara it's evil speech if it's derogatory if it's let's say denigrating right degrading even if it's true and and we mentioned that's a classic stumbling block because we feel but it's true hashem doesn't care about that he doesn't want to say negatively it doesn't matter if it's true so again if it's negative even though it's true okay now it's your turn what's the first of the ten rules three even if it's true right figure out three even it's true right derogatory even if it's true next if it's damaging even if it's not derogatory meaning i'm only saying something positive but if you say something positive like you know he's one of the best hosts for shabbos right and everybody he you know uh throngs to his house that could be damaging or sometimes even positives damaging so we have to be careful so let's again the second one is if it's damaging even if the words are positive but they lead the damage it's an issue so let's go over the first two so let's do the first one again what's the first one that's true yeah and the second one is damaging you know it's not negative even if it's not negative okay okay right right okay good if it's not derogatory good number three this is a little disappointing jokes okay even if it was just a joke you didn't mean to harm them but if the joke puts the person makes the person look negative in the other's eyes no good so even if it's just a joke all right just do a quick review with the first one if it's if it's uh uh it's true even if it's true damaging even if it's not damaging i mean even if it's not derogatory number three even it was just a joke right okay good now let's go to the fourth one again this is just a quick review it doesn't help to include yourself so even if you include yourself in the negative thing say i was there too i threw the rocks at the building to who et cetera doesn't it doesn't help that's uh still leshnar about the other person okay so let's go over again all right without looking what's the first one it's direct derivative even it's true right damaging even if it's not right three even if it is uh just a joke even if you include yourself okay five even if it's non-verbal if you wink or you smile or you roll your eyes as a great example writing okay internet texting that's okay non-verbal is also forbidden okay so number one if it's true number two it's damaging even if not derogatory it was just a joke good uh even when you include yourself good and five right okay let's go to the other side and see the other rules when you speak about communities or kids you can't say the ashkenazi and the spartan the hasid and the lit fox groups you shouldn't speak negatively about groups and not even kids okay we have to we have to be very careful with that so communities and kids number one uh it's directory even it's true right two is damaging but not necessarily derivative it's still a problem right three even it's more just a joke good four just even if you included yourself five you when you say it's not verbally right non-verbal is also problem and six you speak about groups or communities or even kids right very very important next one even when you speak to a close relative your spouse right your sister your brother right yeah it's forbidden we feel like that can create an intimacy but it's not a good one it's not a good form so six is even speaking two relatives okay what's the first one it's uh derogatory even it's true okay damaging even if it's not between right and even non-verbal speak about groups communities or kids it's still not permitted okay we're almost done here and even if it information's already known it's in the newspaper or something like that that doesn't allow you to say the negative thing okay so even if it's already known okay let me start from the beginning yeah yeah just bring you every time we go over it we're giving ourselves a chance that it's going to pop up when we need it okay if it's derogatory even if it's true it's damaging even it's not derogatory good it's just a joke it will make you improve yourself even if it's not verbal you link is about communities or kids right even if you're venting to close relatives it's not justified right although one qualification right is it even if a close relative needs to vent under certain conditions it's okay okay but but not you shouldn't believe it yeah for right and it's not a wholesale license to just uh say to a relative great okay and last one even if the like uh if the information is already known right it's well known doesn't justify speaking russian hara okay not nine is what we call rochellus tail bearing right which is the person doesn't say negative he says that did you know that esther said something negative about you and that causes animosity that's called richielis syricalis is no good okay it says run through we're almost done even if it's derogatory but it's even true right if it's damaging even not derogatory even if it's just a joke you will when you include yourself even if it's not verbal good you mean it's about communities or kids right even closer even when you're speaking to close relatives even the information is already known or you know well said it it actually causes anabolicity between people right even if you don't say something negative yourself but you'd say that someone else did that's righteous that's no good and the last one is it you should not believe or even ideally listen to lush and horror to negative speech okay let's just go through one more time and then we'll introduce the new seven okay okay go first it's a directory even it's true it's damaging even if it's not derogatory or even if it's worse just a joke even if you include yourself even when you say it down verbally right you speak about groups communities or even kids you want me is too close relative right even if it's well publicized or known uh it's called a regular wing aid cost animosity right right and finally in all cases you shouldn't believe it or listen to it okay there's nothing like review for retention every tension is really uh saves us and brings up um in uh i taught this in some other places and people are reporting to me that they've had miraculous cachings of their tongue and that is such an intervention right now so now let's move to the seven okay now maybe we some people think well maybe i should just not speak right but the truth of matter is if you learn how to speak it's fine but here's really something tricky hashem really uh thinks a lot of us and um gives us quite a challenge sometimes you are obligated to share negative information and the re withholding that information is a problem okay okay we're gonna see that uh we're we have to be very spiritually flexible to handle this okay so let's take a look um it's all in one puss amazingly enough in parsha's kedoshan um aleph the yikra 1901 right all in one sentence is a very important point okay here it is this is the torah commandment do not go about as a tale bearer amongst your people now we learned just a moment ago regelas is to you know say did you know what he said about you but this also includes lash and hara okay here it is where hashem says and by the way at the end of the passage i'm hashem and if you want to act as if you didn't mean it there's no i know the truth okay but so here we have okay lush and heart do not do this yet in the very same verse okay and the malbim discusses this and or ahima kadosh and the time all say wait a minute look what hashem puts in the same verse okay do not stand by the blood right do not stand ugly by the blood of your neighbor i am hashem and i expect both of these things okay you know this reminds me a story just tell a little story my rebbe's rebbe my review told me this and he said his reviews rebbe um they were learning torah and he really inspired them to learn torah with tremendous dedication and they were learning and learning and learning and then what happened uh the rebbe comes by and looks and goes what are you you guys are a bunch of stamp collectors all you're doing is we're doing it for yourself now we know for yourself can be okay but he called them stamp cleaners so they the the stu the tom meet him look to each other the rebbe wants us to do hesit we got to do hessed right so they get up they close their gamoras and they started doing hessed beautiful like gibbonette right so what happens they get back there he goes oh you're running away from learning aren't you so they said rebbe what do you want from us he says everything i want everything so here do not speak negatively well you know what if you're the blood of your neighbors at stake speak negatively we we have to do sometimes we have to speak and now let me tell you a couple contexts where it is necessary to relate negative information okay let's just give i'll just give you a a a classic example is you know someone's about to start a business and he's gonna partner with somebody that you know is a thief okay you really know he's he's embezzled from companies this and that now we're gonna see this isn't so simple there are some rules that we have to master uh to even do that but but the idea is you could say to yourself it's lush and hard to say he's an embezzler is that lush and hard let's say he really is an embezzler is it lush and hara well it's fine it's it would fit the rules of lush and hard because it's negative and damaging but it's not if it's to protect another jew okay so negative infra it's negative information that's true but it's not evil speech if it's to protect and help somebody okay very it shows you the sophisticated nature of human interactions in speech right or the other thing is again let's say there's a shitty proposed and you know information that would make it clear that this person should not marry this other person for whatever reason just giving you some classic examples right so that's the when you speak negative information for toe for good it's called the toe ellis for ben for a constructive purpose so negative information for constructive purpose is permitted and required your fulfillment so you get close to god from it okay now sounds good right not so simple okay what you know people that want to be good people um and they know that it's not okay to speak klajanara right but you know if it was just us and our own good nature it'd be great but we have a host a guest we have a guest within us called the yatora the evil inclination and he knows these laws very well and he wants to convince us often this is what good people i'm bringing this up today because good people face this all the time but it's constructive i need to tell you this it's a constructive purpose this is where even good people can slip and stumble right because before you share negative information that you feel is for constructive purpose you have to fulfill some conditions seven you hear seven conditions right so we immediately the little voice the little voice inside of us says wait i gotta share this with my wife about uh what the rebbe did to my kid and this and that and we go whoa we go right into the speech but did we stop the sacred pause and go through the seven now you can't go through the seven if you don't know the seven right so we're going to do the same exercise we're going to get the seven down all right and by the way this is you know this is a way to feel very accomplished you know you know the 10 rules of rash and hara and you showed hashem you cared you even before you speak negatively for what seems to be a positive you took the time to make sure to review is it permissible to do this okay so you stop and do this we're going to talk at the very end what happens when you master this okay or even just get it anywhere with this it's just huge okay let's look at the seven okay so as we discussed the this pussic um brings the uh paradox right no negative information yes negative uh information if it's to protect someone it's all both of these are required of us so it is permitted to speak negatively for constructive purpose but it's only permitted here we go we're going to learn the seven okay it's only permitted if the information is verified okay i think what we have to do here is take a well let's just take one example just to make this clear i i like this case uh because in sometimes you know let's say a a child says that a teacher you know um did something uh negative to him he uh he gave him a a hit or something you know a terrible thing let's see right so that's that's important thing now let's say let's use this for a second so you hear from your son that the rebbe hits me right uh and uh in such a case uh the teacher hit me let's say that he tried to me so the first thing you have to know is you have to find out did it actually happen okay and if you only heard it right then you had it it doesn't mean you can't if you have to you have to do some research and make sure the report is accurate okay so it has to be very so the negative information has to be verified that's the first rule okay the first condition to share negative information for constructive purpose is that it's verified you have to verify either firsthand if it's second hand you have to do your research and know that it's true okay that the thing took place secondly um you have to know what your what you heard is truly negative in the eyes of the torah maybe i won't stay with the same example the whole time okay let's say um a person uh uh let's let's let's pick this um that you you saw the person um uh say say something uh negative let's use that okay you heard him say something negative about a person in the community right and you're saying he's speaking la shannara we just learned you can't say negative right even if it's true right but let's just say that really that this person was um speaking to the um the parents about some you know about a child or something and they're trying to uh um trying to help the parents guide the kid right so you hear you not everything that looks wrong is wrong okay so before you share something what you think is a negative thing the person's father natari you have to know is it really true according to atari you have to ask a rabbi okay so there's two so far what's the first thing you have to do before you say something negative if the information is verified right you have to verify that the facts are true and secondly it's actually valid concern right according to the torah right it has to be a valid concern according to the torah good let's go to the third one if you would try to rebuke first meaning it's only permitted if you tried and failed to correct the person yourself right you saw something that was concerning and you can't just go tell someone else about it even if you run oh here's what i saw let's say uh there's a shopkeeper who seems to always not give back correct change okay so uh that seems to be let's say you know for sure it happened and you know so it seems like that that that's valid right uh and let's say it is he really is you're supposed to give back the correct change however before you tell people don't go to him right because he doesn't give value change you go to the shopkeeper you say look you i i imagine you are just not paying total attention but you have to give out correct change you try to say look there's been more than one instance here that you didn't do this correctly and you try to correct them instead of to have somebody else or say something negative or block them for some reason do you hear this so you have to rebuke them you have to try to point it out and it's only permitted when yeah either you know for sure they won't accept the rebuke or you tried and failed okay you hear this so the third one is um it's only permitted if you tried to rebuke first okay what's the uh first one that the information is true or verified right you have to know it's true verified information number two if you know the information this is a valid concern right it has to be valid according to the torah okay that's number two number three made every attempt to rebuke right you try to correct the issue with the person okay and only if you tried and failed uh or can you speak okay number four now this imagine you did all your work right you know you verified that something happened number two you um you know that that what they did wrong is wrong according to torah you tried to rebuke them and it didn't work so now it's permitted but you have to be so careful because you only say what's necessary to get the point across okay let's again maybe let's take an example um the uh you want to prevent this person from uh or you want the person to know that this person has a history of embezzlement right he's about to go into the job right so you you say this guy is a swindler you know he does this all the time right so if you exaggerate the case every ounce of exaggeration is a sin it's lush and hara it's not constructive anymore so you have to be very careful in fact what i've seen when i've uh consulted with rebellium you really try to actually say as little negative as you can to get the job done but you have to be very careful so you can't exaggerate that's a so it's only permitted when you don't exaggerate okay let's go through them again the first one is true verified true and verified too if you know the information addresses a valid concern right according to our well done three you attempted to rebuke right and it didn't work four very important exaggerates right no exaggeration okay so that's four number five you ha and this is not easy if you have to have pure intentions your goal has to be to protect to not stand idly by the blood of your nerve you have to be trying to help someone you know sometimes it's to help the person you're speaking about to correct them and get them to stop doing destructive behavior right but here's this i number one i told you for good people which i know the people watching are this area is dangerous because we'll often feel i have just i this is important it's necessary information right but here's the other tough one if you're upset you can't do it that's it let's go through the four the uh the four that leave up to there you know you verified it right it's a real concern according to the torah you tried to rebuke right and what was the fourth one you tried to rebuke and you were careful not to exaggerate but if you're kind of upset and you kind of feel good that you're pointing out the flaw of this person you have to step aside you have to get somebody else to do it or you have to really purify your intentions okay this and that's why a general rule if you're upset just be quiet right you hear that hashem really wants this to be done the right way you know he wants us protecting jews not getting out negativity on jews right and again we're saying this is so important right now this could bring so much peace and redemption okay so pure intentions all right let's go over the five and then we have just two more to go what's the first one if the information is verified right it has to be verified too it's valid concerned according to total values right three if you try to rebuild first right you tried good not allowed to exaggerate at all and you have to have pure intention right pure intentions if you're okay good so here's another one if if you you have to have exhausted other options first okay now here uh the um this is an again an important one is maybe you can achieve the goal a different way you know you could uh without saying something negative you can get the person let's say you know that person's considering a a marriage possibility with someone who it you know all these concerns are here right and but the thing is maybe before they accept to do that you could propose something that they want you know you find an alternative to get out of the situation so no negative activity has to be expressed right so you have to exhaust it's only permitted when you exhausted other options okay that's number six okay let's just review okay what's the first one it's true and verified true and verified too if you know the information address is a valid concern according to the torah three you're tempted to repeat four right you have pure intentions right pure intentions and then six if you do not state other options first right you have to say can i get this accomplished without having share negative information finally it you it's only permitted when you know the listener won't violate the torah when they receive this information that's why i brought this example let's say the teacher right let's say a teacher was accused of you know hitting a kid or something like this now uh let's say it was verified right it's def it's it was not an appropriate act of discipline uh okay now let's let's yeah let's take this let's say yes it was brought to his attention you tried to bring it to his attention okay and now but all that was covered and you were you're careful not to exaggerate you have pure intentions right let's say it's you're not the mother it's somebody else goes and does it you tried everything else okay and it seems like the only effective thing will be to tell the principal all right however if you know that the principal will immediately fire the person now i'm not saying this is what the law is okay i'm just kind of giving you an idea but let's say that according to torah you can't dismiss a person immediately without a warning or something but if you know that the principle will without any warning without any discussion he'll just kick him out of the school i don't know maybe that is okay i i'm just giving i'm just trying to give it like a real example that you can connect to right but if someone will take the law into their own hands and go over the torah law can't be done that way okay now the thing is this think about this right there are seven things to get down before you start to share something negative right and let's review them and i just want to talk about what this does for consciousness and the value of it and then we'll be done so but just one one quick review okay what's the first one it's the information is verified right it's only okay if it's verified if it's second handed you can you can verify it then it's okay too the actual information addresses a valid concern according to the target right has to be good number three you try to review first right you try that good you don't exaggerate at all at all good five you have a pure intention right good six you exhausted all your other efforts for options first and then the last one is only if the listener will uh will not voice the torah he won't violate the torah with the information you give okay these are the seven okay and then we'll just discuss this okay we now learn the seven rules of sharing negative information and we have the 10 rules of speech so one of the beautiful things is it's very hard you know to i think it's a very high level when a person can stop themselves and restrain themselves right it's uh and by the way i want to go back to autumn and hava when when they fail to restrain themselves the gemara tacks on a very interesting thing it says animals start lost the fear of man right and it brings it says that when uh the gemara says in sanhedrin that when a person acts like an animal animals look at them as a peer and they're no longer there's an inherent fear that animals have towards a human being right now i just want to go back to this it's so amazing what the album says when you know that before the succeeded he says to hava why don't you eat from this fruit and she says if i eat from the fruit i'll die therefore i don't want to eat from the fruit so now imagine this you have to realize that the nachos spoke and he stood up and he looked like a human being and he looks at what seems to be uh he look i'm sorry he looked like a human being right and he's speaking to hava but he he so this creature is speaking to this creature and he hears her say i'm not going to do that because later on i will get a negative consequence so the album says that he thought that she was an alien that she came from out of the world because no animal could fathom that you would not immediately do whatever you want you would not just take what you want and regardless of what's going to happen later and he was right then the shama of a human being comes from another world right we are like aliens or okay from another world and we're on a whole other level from animals when we act like human beings and we restrain ourselves when it's the right thing to do so this is such a deep thing when we practice inactivity we're doing we're accomplishing greatness where we're showing that we're super we're the most superior creatures on earth and that's you know we're supposed to be enlightened to the nations so if we can model this speech you know thank god you know enough time if you practice tara speech and you're careful not to speak negatively and not not use curse words you know other people will elevate their speech around you you know it's a beautiful thing it's a beautiful thing that's what we can do a speech especially we can raise up ourselves and mankind in the same thing and then you hear what how beautiful that is and i just want to point out that but you can only have a choice about the matter if you know if you have the 10 rules of of what constitutes losh and hara has to be available in your consciousness so review this i encourage you and then before you immediately say well this is really important i need to share this let's stop have a very sacred pause go through the seven and i i really suggest that this is the best way to stop anti-semitism it's a profound act that we can all take and we should see a lot of challenges [Music] is