3 Tips To Finding Your Soul Mate (Shidduch)

[Music] you have those few things for sure your decision making of who to marry and when to marry changes drastically and without ever needing to live with them without ever needing to touch their fingers well actually believe it or not if a person lives together with a woman before marriage they're also not going to find out why while you're dating you're not going to be the same thing as marriage and in fact people are lying to each other thinking that they need to be intimate or living together in order to know each other the way to get to know each other and what I mean when I say they have the same ideology does not require more than just a few conversations uh a few conversations where number one in the beginning you ask them about ideology is referring to not who they're voting for not whether they are right or left wing ideology means their belief and practices Accord to the T who is the rabbi you listen to oh I don't listen to any rabbis except my Rabbi in a so what does he you know do does he have any lectures online does he have any books no he just gives lectures uh once a week and Shabbat so what do you do the rest of the week for to oh no I don't learn to the rest of the week already that gave you a significant amount of information that she is not vested into the tah she's not really interested in T is more of entertainment for her than it is a lifestyle for her why if she her whole life is only going to be an hour a week of t on Shabbat that happens to be you know coincidentally when she's there with her family that means she's she's only religious by by circumstance not by belief but if she tell you no no I listen to Rabbi XYZ how often you listen to him oh I listen to him uh every day well now if you're familiar with the rabbi that's also going to give you an idea a painting like anywhere that says oh listen the RAB your own ruven people get somewhat of an understanding oh this person likes M this person likes you know truth so on you know they like me or don't like me they know that's that's the genre if you will that's the genre on the other hand if you tell them other names they'll tell you oh this one likes you know other things that are not that so if she tells you I listen to this guy every single day and you're familiar with the person that's going to give you a certain amount of information of what is her ideology what is our ideology who do you ask questions if you have a question about I look for it in the book okay that's a very serious problem what do you me look for a book who made you a p who made you a rabbi you don't have a rabbi I don't know I have a rabbi I call him when I have questions oh yeah which one who's the rabbi oh he's the local Rabbi here okay give you more information means that if she calls the rabbi every time she has a question that means she has a connection to a rabbi that's positive information but again all of these types of questions of ideology have to do with how does she or he practice the life of toah are they a robot are they a human are they following because they have to because that's the family they live in and if they left everything they get thrown out of the house or are they following because they want to are they passionate about Tah and mitv and building a Jewish life or are they really more interested in watching Netflix and Hulu and HBO and prime time TV network and Oprah Winfrey and the rest of the Z TV pretending to help people what is she or he interested in is she interested in being like a Goya or a Jew cuz sometimes people I know I want to be a Jew while acting like a that watches Hulu and bulu and plays video games and and and and and spends virtually no time whatsoever learning to when are they religious during the holidays if you know that this is the way the person is that's all a whole lot of information from you now once a person has this information about ideology that's already half their uh that's that's enough to make a decision chemistry maybe five minutes to decide whether this person has any chemistry with you or not it'll develop or not but nonetheless five minutes you'll know whether there's some type of chemistry if she's disgusting in your eyes if she beautiful in your eyes you know some people they look beautiful I had one student told me listen she's beautiful she's amazing she's this she's that okay great chemistry first meeting wow she's great she's wonderful she's great what great wow three four five meetings six meeting saved me from this woman what happened oh listen the truth came out she's horrible midot she yells everybody she's this she this she this okay so it took a few meetings to get to where you know where how are you going to now how do you get to that how do you get to that one of the things that I recommend to people that ask me for guidance onim um is the following after you have identified this you have chemistry with this person you've identified that you have similar ideology and you guys are very serious you're you're thinking you're already' gone out several times it's continuously growing and getting better and better after you've gone on several dates of course there's no physicality there's no intimacy or anything like that it's all kosher dating and so on at some point after those couple of dates tell you okay now it's time to play house what does Playing House mean how a conversation about what is life going to look like the day after the wedding when do we wake up who takes out the garbage how many kids are we going to have who's going to work how when am I going to learn when am I not going to learn are we going to have a TV in the house are we going have a phone in the house are we have cell phones do we have any uh Playhouse Playhouse now once you play house when you start that conversation that conversation go on for five years why because life goes on oh I want to have two kids oh why only two kids no listen it's enough I only grew up with one sister that's enough for me I only want one one you know two kids if the guy says no but I want four kids now does that mean you break the no listen are you open to more or you think that under no condition what oh I don't know okay already over there that's enough of an answer that means that she has no you know she thinks two kids is what she wants if you make her happy enough she'll want 50 she's healthy enough she want more if you make her miserable she not even going to want one she's going to regret that she ever met you so sometimes a person needs to know you can't take every answer so the end of the world but you play house you play house and you start discussing how life is going to look like the day after the wedding and because that's when life gets real before the wedding it's all fantasy oh who's going to pay for the dress who's going to get the ring who's going to get the cake who's going to get to this who's going it's all fantasy it's all big Fantasy Life Starts day after the wedding who where are we going to live how often are we going to go to your parents every Shabbat how often we going to go to your parents what if I don't want to go there what if I don't like it can we just go once a month can we go once a year can we move away to a different country if I get an opportunity at work to move to a different country would you come with me you all of these questions you play house and you realize where you both stand what life you want what life they have and now you see how you apply the similar ideologies that you have to your life CU even though you may have similar ideologies that still doesn't mean that you're going to tell tell each other where's the red line where's the red line you have those few things for sure your decision making of who to marry and when to marry changes drastically and without ever needing to live with them without ever needing to touch their finger even why through this process you know more than most married men know about their own wives and she will know more than Mar most married women about their husband why because a conversation conversation without intimacy is before is is is much clearer much more honest once intimacy gets into play he's now answering wait if I don't answer the way she likes she's not going to give me if he if I answer what he doesn't like he's not going to give me so once this intimacy that's in there it taints the answers but so long as there's nothing I can talk to him the way I want why he doesn't like it I can leave there's no breaking heart there's no nothing he's never touched me I never touched him nothing so it's even though some people make a big deal out of it that the shid broke off and so on in reality is it's no uh it's no real it's no big deal it may be a big deal to them but it's not real big deal to the n and so on because there wasn't anything uh consummated we are meant to be a light unto the Nations not to follow their misguided practices remember every Jew has to remember that he's a Jew and she's a Jew we don't celebrate non-jewish holidays even if they seem harmless it's a z disrespect to the Torah and could lead to CH Hashem desecration of God's name stick to our holy Torah and our own holidays that's the path of a true Jew